Wednesday, 31 October 2007


just got in from my writing class. OJ and JA are watching never mind the buzzcocks, the guests include Daniel Bedingfield who I adore (his music that is) and catch me while I swoon.....................captain Jack aka John Barrowman (Fireman Sam knows him and says hes a real nice guy). Yes I know he's gay but I don't care I think he's lovely. Maybe I should unblock Fireman Sam and start seeing him again to see if I can get him to take me with him next time hes going off to work on set with JB.

I have paid my phone bill............well it had to be done if I am going to keep in touch with Neptune, we have now given each other our mobile numbers so it wouldn't have been much good if I couldn't reply to all the text messages I know I will get from him now lmao.

I have topped up my electricity and gas meters so that we can keep warm and I can use computer while the kids watch tv.

We have food in the cupboards and fridge so we can eat for a few days...............this includes some new items as I try to adjust not only mine but the whole family's eating habits.

I now have a full petrol tank just incase I get any invites to go meet a certain elusive man. Not really I do need to get to work every day too but it does no harm to be prepared.

On friday I get just a little bit closer to getting my rent arrears paid off.

Its day three of the new eating regime.......slowly but surely getting used to the changes this is bringing. It isn't easy but at least I know that I am not doing this alone which helps and when I looked at the hot cheese and onion slice that was only 34p at the local garage shop I did think it looked and smelt nice but I knew I shouldn't so I gritted my teeth and walked away from it.

Oh I also let my colleagues read some of my writing today. I was told by mum to be again (mtba) that I really should write a book. Wayne really liked 'Granny's Tree' and think I should write more of it. He recons he should be able to read part two tomorrow. Some chance I have hardly had time to think let alone write this evening.

Tonight at my writing class we were given pages of writing competitions for us to enter. DJ if you or anyone else wants a copy let me know.

Our homework for next week is to

think about something one tries to forget that just gets bigger and bigger.

No idea what I shall do yet but no doubt I shall think of something before next wednesday.

Bought myself a new red top this morning just incase I have anywhere to go at the weekend even though I had promised myself I wouldn't buy anything new until I had dropped a size. Well sometimes a girl has to do these things.

I turned my phone off when I was at my writing course just incase I got a call or text from Neptune. After the class I turned it on again to find that yes I did have a new text. But the name was not Neptune it was *****
and had just one word.....................Boo
It has been sometime since this man has text me so it was somewhat unexpected


I got paid today

I'm going shopping

I'm paying my phone bill

I can get my rent arrears sorted

we can get some gas and electricity

I can fill my car up with petrol

the rest of them will have to wait!!

Monday, 29 October 2007

first day

Today has been the first day.

the first day the kids went back to school after half term. I say the first day they went back, I was just getting ready for work when I heard someone in the bathroom. That was odd as I had been alone in the house for half an hour.

JA was in the bathroom retching into the toilet. he just cleaned himself up and put himself to bed without saying a word.

So I phoned the school and went to work. After I got home I asked him how he was. He told me that he had got to school but felt sick so he asked the deputy head teacher if he could go home.

Today was the first time I had been to the gym for over a week. I worked hard, I did think about taking it easy as no one was watching but then I figured that if I did that the only person I would be cheating was me so I kept at it. 90 calories on the treadmill after 12 minutes. 43 on the static bike after 10 minutes and I have no idea how many calories, probably not many on the floor and ball excercises. 45 minutes not bad for the first time in over a a week.

Today was the start of my new eating regime. I am now using skimmed instead of semi skimmed milk and trying to eat proper meals so that I don't need to snack. I am avoiding bread as much as possible and my favourite cheese.

On my trawling the blogs I read I found this delightful picture on Keyser Soze post today. I thought it was so good I had to share it with you as I am sure most of you will enjoy it.

I had been mystified as to why I had heard nothing from Neptune since first thing on friday morning. I had sent him a message early on sat evening, there was a possibility that we could meet on sunday. so why was it that by this morning he still had not read my message. He hadn't even been on the dating site as far as I could tell, hes normally logging on every few hours.

mystery now solved but an opportunity missed. He sent me a message from his work computer. His pc at home stopped working. He also said that its a pity as he would have been able to meet me yesterday after all. So now I have suggested that we swap mobile numbers.

I bet he is going stir crazy as he has told me he is addicted to the computer but he is trying to wean himself off it.......he doesn't have much choice at the moment lol

Have been chatting to forest for quite a long time tonight ............the first time since the day we had our public spat. We are fine its good to feel comfortable chatting to him again. we can even make fun of each other and ourselves.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

confession time

This is not something I admit to very often as I find that most people, are not very understanding. Many people scoff and make fun. Other people are concerned for me.

I am not talking about a strange cult or sexual deviation. I am not talking about drugs or alcohol. I am not talking about an extreme religion.

I am talking about psychics. See already some of you are inwardly scoffing. Yes I know there are a lot of so called psychics out there who are at best not very good at worst complete frauds. But there are some out there who genuinely do help.

I am not saying that I am completely convinced that they can tell us what will happen in the future, I don’t think it works that way.

A couple of years ago when I was in a bad state, I had told my husband I wanted a divorce, he had not taken the news well. I was at home alone one Saturday afternoon. I had over previous months got interested in horoscopes and was reading mine daily. I don’t any more but at that point I did. On this particular day I had gone onto the horoscope page on msn home. On trawling through the various things on offer. I came across a telephone number that you could ring to speak to a psychic. I did this, I had nothing to lose. I spoke to Aunty. I don’t remember a lot of what she told me. I do remember that she looked to see when my husband would move out. I was hoping a few days, a few weeks at the most. She checked each month, October, November, December, yes he would still be there at Christmas. January, February, March things would start to happen. April that was it he would move out in April. No not April how could it be that long, I wasn’t going to believe that. She must be one of these frauds, she is obviously wrong.

The next week I was again on my own. I was still feeling frantic and SF was insisting that he would not move out. I am a bad mother and I should move out. Again I phoned the same number and spoke to another psychic. I don’t remember what she told me but it was ok. Another week and another psychic, I was coming to rely on them to talk to about things I couldn’t talk to anyone else about. Over the weeks there were several psychics, but one of them I spoke to a few times was Aunty, every time we spoke she checked to see when SF would leave. Every time it came back to April. There were other things she helped me to come to terms with. She gave me advice and encouragement. She made me look after myself told me to be good to myself even if it was only to buy a magazine. Over the months I chose to speak only to Aunty, making a note of her pin number so that I could go directly to her. One day as we talked I mentioned that I was struggling financially and it was costing me a fortune. She gave me her private number so that I can text her when I need to talk she replies by text or will let me ring her at home. She sends me healing. When she doesn’t hear from me for a while she texts me to let me know she is thinking about me.

The months went by and then it was March, SF and I went to court, he was ordered to leave the property by 24/04/06 (my mum’s birthday). After we left the court he told me he would burn the house down. Finally he left quietly on the last day. Aunty had been right all along he left in April. Not all our talks involved predictions like that. Mostly it was to do with the current situation with various people in my life. Aunty was there for me when I needed her during the months of torment with N. She never judges me, just helps me through the difficulties and shows me things more clearly. Sometimes I choose to disregard what she has said and do as I think anyway. I told her about Forest she told me no there would be nothing there. I chose not to believe her. Now I can see she was right.

Sometimes we are in contact frequently other times it can be several months in between. A couple of weeks ago I spoke to her for the first time in months. I asked her about Neptune. She says yes he is a good one. She told me how far away he is from me. In these two years I have never told her where in the country I am. She has told me that he is as romantic as I am, he won’t tell me any lies. She persuaded me to take the bull by the horns and ‘go get him gal’. (she had never called me that before) that day he called me gal for the first and only time.

Today I called her as I wanted to know what was going on with him. Since I last spoke to her I had asked him if he wanted to meet, which he does he even recommended the city he thinks we should meet in. Earlier this week I asked if he had any thoughts when we should meet. Apparently it depends on how my confidence is. I told him my confidence is fine right now and my diary mostly free. He says his diary is also pretty free so we shall have to wait and watch. This pissed me off no end what was that supposed to mean. His diary is empty but we have to wait and watch. So I didn’t send him any reply at all. Next morning he was on msn (hasn’t done that for a while) telling me about a program he watched the night before about spiders which he commented on as being something I am fascinated in.

Aunty tells me that what he meant about waiting is that we wait to see if it rains on Sunday. He has a game of golf scheduled but wont be playing if it rains. This would mean he’s free for the day. That makes sense. Aunty tells me we will meet, and that the city is a lovely place for us to meet. I hadn’t told her where it was. Aunty assures me that I may not fancy him when we meet but that we will get on very well, he is not long term though. She has also told me that I am about to lose 8 or 9lb in a few weeks. That, I should do this with others who can help me with it. Almost as an after thought she told me that the test results came back all clear which is why my Dr hasn’t called me. I hadn’t even been thinking about the test results as they were a while ago now. I am pretty sure that although I had text her about starting the job and not being well I hadn’t told her about having tests and the Dr calling me in after each test until the last one.

I don’t rely on her now like I did a couple of years ago but I do find that I get strength and comfort from speaking to her. Oh and she told me today that even though I am short and round I am pretty and I have men falling over themselves for me.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Granny's tree

Ok so here it is my experiment.

Dj has challenged me to write a children's story...........not the kind of thing I normally write. so here goes I got the idea few days ago and have been mulling it over not quite sure how to do it so this morning I just thought 'sod it girl just start writing and see what happens.'

so here it is .............not very long and probably rubbish and could be improved and extended.

But hey who said it has to be perfect.

Granny's Tree

Katie and Harry are putting on their coats and scarves.It is the half term holidays and they are staying with granny in the country for a few days while mummy has to work.

Granny lives alone now with just Jasper the old yellow dog with his shaggy hair and Tiggs her old grey striped cat. His name is really Tiger but everyone calls him Tiggs for short. He spends most of his day on the window seat catching the sun.

Come on Katie hurry up

Harry calls to his big sister as he runs out of the backdoor.

I’m coming wait for me I just need to finish getting my wellies on.

Granny has told the children to be careful as the paddock is still muddy after the rain last week. Granny will watch the children from the kitchen while she is busy cooking their dinner and baking fresh scones for a special treat to have later. This morning they all got in a mess when Harry wanted to help with the chocolate fairy cakes.

Harry put on your pinnie if you want to help Katie stir the mix.

Granny can I lick the bowl can I can I

He had pleaded. When Katie was carefully spooning the mix into the little paper cases on the tray.

Now Katie pushes the door open and races out to join her brother, Katie loves her little brother even though he is only seven and still acts like a baby sometimes. Next week Katie will be nine then she will be even more grown up than she is now.

Harry must be hiding as Katie can’t see him anywhere. She sits down on the bench in the middle of the field.

I don’t care where you are I am just going to sit here and wait for you

She shouts.

The sun is shining but it is still cold and the leaves are falling from the trees. Katie watches them for a while. Harry comes out of hiding to kick the leaves around where they have fallen in piles under the trees at the edge of the field. Then Katie notices that the big tree on its own, granny says it’s an oak tree has still got most of its leaves.

She wanders over to the big tree. There are a few leaves on the ground some brown others still a bit yellowy but there are other things too. Granny told the children when they were little that fairies live in this tree and they use the acorn cups to drink from. But that was just a story for little kids wasn’t it.



Katie looks up into the branches thinking Harry must have climbed up there while she wasn’t looking. But he isn’t there she can see him over at the fence now talking to the old brown horse in Mr Cartwright’s field. Nelson must be getting old now, he’s even older than Katie is.



There it is again, that whisper almost as if the tree was whispering her name, but trees can’t talk.

Who are you and what do you want

Katie is trying to be braver than she feels now, she thinks of calling Harry over here or maybe she should run to him.

Katie it is me, I won’t hurt you, I have been watching you. You are a kind girl, I see you feed the birds and stroking the animals.

But who are you and why won’t you let me see you

She peers up into the branches looking for a clue.

Katie you can see me, I have been her for more than a hundred years, you have climbed into my arms I mean my branches. My little friends the fairies want you to become one of our friends.

But you have to promise not to tell anyone our secret.

Katie tries not to jump up and down with excitement

I promise I promise

Can I tell my granny though cos she told me about the faries and I thought it was a story.

Katie your granny knows our secret but as she got older she forgot about us and now she just believes we are a fairy tale that she remembers. We don’t need her to remember that we are here.

If you promise to keep our secret we can have lots of fun and adventures.

what are you?

Chopski commented on my post ......not for the faint hearted

You spend a lot of time on the web you're going to bump into lots of spiders. Lots of other insects too!!

This got me thinking about all the people I have met online and what insects they would be. I consider myself to be a butterfly

I am generally very colourful and like to bring good cheer into the lives of those people who see me. I flit from one place to another never stopping in one place or with one person for long.

If you were to describe yourself as an insect what would it be and why?

everyone's summertime favourite the pesky wasp, guaranteed to send half the population running around flapping their arms screaming
the beautiful dragonfly with its netted wings, usually found near water. the odd looking but still interesting stick insect sometimes found as children's pet kept in a tank where it can hide amongst the twigs and leavesthe bumblebee looks s soft and furry but with a sting in its tale
for those night time butterflies the plain looking moth that loves to be in the spotlight

upon asking my youngest son what insect he would be, he said a cricket, this is apparently because he likes to jump.

the gardeners friend the much loved ladybug or ladybird, generally thought of as red but comes in many other colours too, feeds on the hated aphids.crane flies, another reason for todays children to panic, unlike in my youth when we would have been catching them and as cruel as children can be removing legs and wings.

don't feel you have to be limited to these

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Not for the faint hearted

Ok so most of you know I have been talking to Neptune for a while now, since 2nd September to be precise. One recurring topic has been spiders. We have both been plagued with these little beauties (house spiders) this summer. We also have plenty of these, stretching their webs across the garden path.......ewwww. Seeing as they are known as garage spiders why are they in the garden?
Oh yeah the garage door has been out of use for months.

We have discussed ways of getting rid of the house spiders, I think Neptune would like one of these, I know my kids would.

I have heard on my radio that these are good for getting rid of spiders although I have no idea how or why.

I expect we will soon see lots of these little plastic spiders everyhere as the halloween hype kicks in.

I quite like the look of this little lady.

I decided to find a picture to tease Neptune with and came up with this one.

when I am not busy or I am mulling something over in my head, a new post or a short story or maybe something less important like a letter to the bank or council, I play this game a lot. During the break up of my marriage I played it for hours on end. I would put on my headphones and listen to music and play spider. It meant I didn't have to think about things or participate in what was going on around me. It drove SF mad that I would do this, but it was preferable to listening to him.

Wouldn't I just love one of these babies and look its in red too........every picture I found of the Alpha Romeo Spider showed a red one, maybe they don't make them in other colours.

stylish or not?

I was playing with pictures while I was chatting to both JJ and Si this afternoon. The last picture I put up before Si had to leave work and go home was the picture I sent to Mr Passionate while I was waiting for him to visit me at the hotel after Forest had left. I had taken and used it to tease him in the hour before he arrived. JJ has seen this picture before but he said he likes it, I quite like it too but to me it says 'tart'.or at best 'sexy'

He disagrees,

see what you think.

JJ says he thinks it is stylish!!

I think his interpretation of stylish is different to mine.

Oh and I have put a picture of the birthday cake on my side bar.

Crushing Oxo

I am really sorry that I felt I had no choice but to tell Oxo that I won't see him again. This wasn't the first time. I told him in May that I wasn't going to see him any more as I just wanted to see one man. It wasn't that, that man had asked me not to see anyone else, if anything he encouraged me to still see others but I just didn't want to. Oxo was very good about it at the time saying that he hoped the man I liked would treat me well.

One night I was bored and sent a joke by text to various men that I know. Some replied others didn't, that didn't matter. But Oxo replied, he obviously thought I had sent the joke to him alone. we got chatting and he asked to see me again. I can't remember now if I saw him that night or if it was soon after. I hadn't seen the man I liked for a few weeks so I went to see Oxo. That was the first time I stayed at his place but I rushed home first thing in the morning in the hope of getting back before the boys woke.

We chatted a few days later and agreed that we would go back to seeing each other from time to time. Unless either of us got serious with anyone. It was agreed that either of us could call the other and ask for sex, we came up with a code word which meant that if we both said yes I would arrive at his place 1.5 hrs later and stay over. Over the next few months Oxo used the code word quite a few times but I often turned him down for various reasons. I like him but was still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him again. But I did spend several saturday nights and once, a week night at his place. those sunday mornings chatting and drinking mug after mug of hot tea were very cosy. He was more than willing for me to stay at his place mid week, going straight to work from there the next morning but I only did that once.

since I made the declaration that I wanted to be a one man woman I have struggled with the idea of still seeing Oxo. Part of me wanted to continue but a bigger part was saying no that would go against my decision. whenever Oxo asked me over in the last few weeks I was making excuses not to go. when we had first come up with the code word idea we both agreed that there would be no pressure. If one of us didnt want to meet up for an reason then that was cool. But in reality, everytime I said no he tried to persuade me. so when it came to telling him that there would be no more I just kept putting it off. But now that meeting Neptune is becoming imminent and I really want to give that a chance if there is one. I felt I had no choice but to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. He asked if it was because I want a long term relationship, he has knwn since the beginning that that was my ultimate aim. Months ago he told me that he only wants nsa for now but that it could develope into a relationship later on as he thinks I am perfect apart from the small matter of my sons. But even if he had wanted a relationship, I know that he isn't the man for me.

So last night I told him. I was worried that his silence was a bad sign. But when I said I hoped we would still be friends he said ..........ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart.
I found that really hard. I don't want him waiting around for me.

I don't know if Neptune and I will even like each other when we meet. Maybe we won't in which case I shall be right back where I started, but I don't think I will be calling Oxo, although it is a comforting idea to know that I could go running back to him if this doesn't work.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

acronyms and icons

So the first person up in this house after me on monday was the birthday boy. He opened his presents once JA and ET were up, by which time DC had already left to go to work. It didn't take much to unwrap his presents ripping required, I somehow think that can at times be the best part. He liked the new watch I had bought him t replace the one he lost months ago. I expect that will now re appear again. I did think I had found it once but it turned out to be JA's. I also bought him a woollen scarf for his winter walks to the station when hes going to and from college and a new pair of trousers. Not much to show for a 17th birthday but he understands.

when I was at work I got chatted up by a mystery man. I still don't know who he was. Part of my job entails taking the orders that I have put onto the system down to the Warehouse Manager. I do this usually 5 or 6 times a day. I have to negotiate a long flight of stairs as our office is above the warehouse, then walk the length of the warehouse. The concrete floor is painted which can be a bit tricky for high heels. Obviously the warehouse staff wear more suitable footwear. But working in the office I tend to dress for the office more than the warehouse. The mystery man who appeared to be doing some kind of inspection. On my first trip of the day he told me that I dont need to wear my high visibility vest............they can hear me coming from miles away. As I said in that case they should never be surprised when I arrive at the far end with my stack of orders. Every time I made the trip the mystery guy had to make some comment to me, making various suggestions about how to make it easier ( some quite funny).

On my return I stopped at what is known as the broomology (they make up the brooms) to collect my son's birthday cake. I had asked the broom lady (no she isn't a witch but looks more like the sugar plum granny with her white and pink hair...shes nearly 60) some weeks ago if she would make a cake for OJ. She does these as a sideline. she did him proud. when I get the photo we took onto the computer I shall post it on here. I couldn't do much for OJ for his birthday but I wanted to show him he is appreciated and feel he deserves something special not just for his birthday but for doing so well in his exams. He announced last night that he is now old enough to drive but thinks it best he saves up before he thinks about doing anything about it.

When I got home OJ had some friends round to play computer games, he had to show them his cake he was so pleased with it. (and to think his dad had offered to supply a cake........from the end of date stock at the shop where he works). not a one off like I had made he he he.
we had to take a photograph before it was cut. JA asked if I was going to have any of it. When I said I would have a piece he was disappointed that they would have to divide the cake in five!!!
Five!!!!! ye gods I divided it onto 15 slices. It was very nice mmmm, but I was very good and only had one small slice. Later JA showed just how much of a cheeky monkey he is. I caught him sneaking a late night pack of crisps. when I told him to put them back as it was too late he stated he was hungry and had already opened them. Ha I was not going to let that go. made him reseal the pack with parcel tape.......where had that appeared from and where was it when I needed something the night before!! If he was really hungry he could have some fruit. So off he goes back to the kitchen then lays on the sofa watching tv. I couldn't believe it when I looked at him. Hes only eating a chicken sandwich.

Much excitement today!!
Its only been a short time since I first reported that our garage had been broken into back in May!!! since then the contractor has been and looked at it. then decided they couldnt fix it until we clear everything out of the garage. We couldn't clear it until they opened the door for us, that took about a month (the day I started work in June). another month and they came and tried to fix the door but it was beyond repair. In mid august they came to measure the door, breaking off the door handle in the process.

Today they fitted the new door, now we can open the garage at will ........yippeee won't that be a novelty. Bikes can go back in there along with everything else that has been stacked in my back garden for months.

Oh and I had a lovely chat with Si, he is a man I first started chatting to in the summer of 2006, we dont often chat, just now and again. Its been a few weeks since the last time when we were talking about silly fingers and the typos they make. Today he asked me to teach him cyber speak ........says he knows quite a bit about computers but not messenger (not sure that is strictly true as hes been using msn since we first chatted 15 months ago). anyway it was fun especially when he began to make some up and I could work them out. He was making wise cracks about my picture so I changed it to the one of me sticking my tongue response he wanted to do a moon back at me. So I had to instruct him how to get a picture from his files onto his messenger. I was very surprised that he had actually taken a picture of his arse then transferred it to his computer right there in his office. On my asking he confirmed that yes it was an open plan office but he was at one end so he gets some privacy .........I still can't see him dropping his trousers in the office and taking the picture with no one noticing. One of the other things we chatted about was the little icons you can get on msn messenger. He decided that acronyms and icons was a good line and would make a good name for a band.

Monday, 22 October 2007

catching up

ok here we go
Sunday started with the blocked toilet yuk and of course there is only one person who gets the dubious delights of sorting that little problem out, getting used to it now, must have done this about half a dozen times in the last two years, thank heavens it wasn't Saturday morning.

Later in the day I went over to see my mum on the way to do the weekly shop that I hadn't done on Saturday. She is having her hall, stairs and landing painted, so wanted help to move the grandfather clock. I am so glad there was no one there with a camera. I must have looked a right sight. Managed to slide the clock along the floor to the dinning room door. Problem one, the door frame isn't high enough. Ok so there I am stood one foot either side of it, mother and her crutch behind the clock. shes holding the back up as I pull the bottom forward to allow it to tilt backwards.
problem two, I am now stuck, straddling the bloody thing with my arms wrapped around it to stop it from falling. Top half now in dining room, I want to push the bottom half backwards so that it can be stood upright again. But instead of pushing the top up mother is letting it drop. Now I am really stuck (and all the time remembering it cost her a lot of money and time to get it fixed the last time it stopped working after she moved house......its temperamental). I am now bent double arms around the middle of this great weight still one leg on either side. finally we lower the clock to the ground and push it so that it is completely in the dining room then I managed to get it back upright.....I can't quite remember how I managed that on my own. We got it into a corner out of the way. Now my mum tells me she has arranged for my brother to collect it, him and his wife are going to have it.
I ended my evening chatting to Sammy which lead to some cam fun
No Vi the candle wax had nothing to do with Sammy, we had some good dirty fun but not with any wax although I did show him what I had been using in his absence new best friend (my electric toothbrush and me have become well aquainted in recent nights)

after we said goodnight it was time to wrap up birthday presents. Do you think I could find any sticky tape? I had earlier asked the other boys if they knew where it was. I thought I would try the glue stick instead. No way was that going to has about as much stick to it as a lump of jelly, zilch nothing no way was it going to work
Ah bright idea, I am looking at my nails thinking they really need to be done when it strikes me that I could glue the paper down with nail varnish. If you ever decide to try it don't bother it doesn't work. I go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.........nothing at all of any use but I do get another idea
candle wax!! use the wax to seal it down, I have candles in my room. find lighter, light two candles, drip the wax onto the underside of the wrapping paper where I want it to stick........nothing doing.
I give up......put the wrapped presents into a bag to keep them together until the morning.

Ouch I just told Oxo that I won't be seeing him as I want to give it a chance with Neptune. I said I hope we can still be friends

ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart

now I feel awful, but I couldn't let him keep asking me to go over there when it isn't what I want.

Too late

its too late now to blog my sunday but I will try to catch up on monday

there was not much exciting

started with a blocked toilet

later moving time

ending with some cam fun with Sammy

candle wax

Sunday, 21 October 2007

The game

I pinched this from dj Kirkby

Here are a few single word descriptions of me from people who know me in RL:

'Amazing', 'Caring', 'Sensual', 'Funny','Exciting','Loving', 'Charming'

The Game is on! And you're it! Try describing ME in one word.... just one single word in my comment box and then post the game on your blog and I will come do the same for you.


not much to tell about saturday
woke up with a migraine took one of my special tablets which did help me to sleep a little, but spent half the morning running to the bathroom retching.
The boys were great they know to leave me in peace. Curtains shut not even my radio on. (I always have my local radio on, I love the mix of music from the 70s 80s and modern plus the banter......DC calls it hospital radio but then he listens to the moronic radio one).
Usually when I have a headache the boys still sit on the end of my bed to use my computer. But when I have a migraine I can't stand the small joggles as they fidget. I did wake up late morning to find DC sat there but he can sit still so wasn't too bad but I could still hear him drumming his fingers on the desk. Must be a musicians thing!!
my mobile went off a couple of times It was my mum, I knew she would be asking if I am ok and is it one of my saturday headaches. But I just didn't feel up to speaking so ignored it. I knew she would call the house phone and ask the boys if I was ok.
Evntually I was just beginning to feel better when OJ asked if he should go over to the shop for some bread etc. Hes a great kid and life would be so much harder without him to look after us all. He was my rock when I had cancer even though he was only 10 then.
I managed to get myself downstairs. to my surprise while I had been sleeping the 3 younger boys had worked together (unheard of ) not only had they tidied up the living books and clothes were gone.......they even vacuumed. Apparently they had a motive. They wanted to get the Pool Table out. So they tidied up, played pool and then put the table away again (it lives behind the sofa).
I went back to bed a gain for a while before checking my emails. I had a message from Neptune, our latest topic of conversation being where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world. It seems that although there are lots of places we want to go to I would love to go back to Lapland which is a place he says he would love to visit. He also says he would like to go to New Zealand which is one place I would love to visit. A few years ago my mum talked about going there but I told her she couldn't go until my boys have grown up as I want to go too. Other places I would like to visit are Canada, Ireland and Patagonia. There are plenty of places I would be happy to go to (basically I would go anywhere) but these are the ones that are top of my list. Strange none of them are particularly hot. I have never been anywhere hot ever. But then I have been to very few places anyway yet.
Neptune said he would be away all weekend as he is visiting family and watching the Rugby cup final. He will be back sunday night. I already knew he would be away. I have been thinking about where to go and what to do when we meet. I do know parts of the city he has suggested meeting in, but not well enough to know where to go. The places I do know are only because I used to go there with N (he lives in that city). Perhaps Fat Controller has some suggestions. He was there more recently than me.
So as I was not going to be going anywhere and half the country including Neptune would be watching the Rugby I made myself a nest on the sofa with my book and a drink to watch the rugby. I still don't really know what was going on but their player Montgomery was a bit of alright. why did SA get a penalty when our player was charging through them with the ball. the ref said something about you can't block......surely it was SA who were blocking us ???? I doubt I shall ever understand the rules..........and what was that about is his leg on the line or over it ?
I guess I shall have to stay clueless. I really wanted to watch and understand the match so that I have an idea what happened when people are talking about it but I fell asleep for the last 5 minutes (as if I hadn't slept enough already). I woke up at around midnight and watched some gangster type movie with Andy Garcia. Before getting the energy to get back upstairs. so now here I am blogging at 3am.

well this post has turned out much longer than I expected seeing as I did nothing all day except sleep.

Friday, 19 October 2007


Last night after I had written and published 'thursday' I was writing to eat or not to eat
when forest came online. He asked me if I was ok. I thought he must have read the email I had sent him earlier or 'Thursday' but he said he hadn't read either. I told him he should read Thursday, I think he was a little reluctant as he didn't know what he would read. I hope that now he has read it, he realises it was ok. we chatted for a while before he went off for the night.

No sooner had Forest said goodnight than I had a lovely surprise. Another window popped open, it was Sammy. I hadn't heard from Sammy since Saturday afternoon!! I had text him asking if I had scared him away, the following day he replied that he was just busy.I didn't hear from him again until last night. We chatted for a while until he fell asleep. He had wanted to know what I had been up to. after I had told him the highlights and low spots of my week. I mentioned that I had been missing our late night chats and had to resort to electric toothbrush and tingle lube to help me fall asleep.

this morning I was nearly late for work, not because I was chatting or doing anything else on my computer. It is now that time of year again when I stop going around with bare legs. I am not really a tights woman, preferring stockings even for work. So what has this got to do with being late for work. It is still early in the season so have not yet bought many pairs of new stockings. I was sat on my bed going through a great pile of stockings that for some reason are not in pairs. I found several opaque but none were quite matching pairs. I did find one pair though but they were just not for wearing to work. The ones I wore the last time I met my Knight aka Thomas. why not wear these ? they have a silver bunnygirl motif just above the ankle. there were other pairs, but also not for work, fishnets in black, brown and red. then there were the ones with seams up the back, there was a single one with a diamond pattern and also some knee highs to wear under trousers. Eventually I found a pair that were the same colour and without any ladders.

Oh and why did I have to open my big mouth this afternoon. It was quiet and I had gone over to the printer, my friend 'posh bird' who is the General Manager, asked me how my love life is going. I told her it wasn't up to much but that I am talking to a new man who I am hoping to meet soon. Slim girl asked me what happened to the guy I really liked, I just told her it hadn't worked out. No one in our office knows much about my love life.
thats when it happened. I asked posh bird if she had a ladder I could borrow. my new garage door is due to be fitted on tuesday. I want to rub down the flaking paint above the door so I can give it a new coat of white gloss. I do have a ladder that I bought last year but it is in my garage. I can't open the garage as when the contractors came to measure the door they broke the handle off. anyway I asked posh bird if she has one I could borrow, but her ex (he fitted my new cooker for me last year) has taken it. so she comes up with the idea to get a new ladder from the warehouse, and as I want to borrow it I get to bring it home in my little car. So now I have her new ladder stood in my dinning room.

Thursday, 18 October 2007


thursday so far has been a better day.

work was fine although I got accused of trying to look intelligent as I was wearing my reading glasses. I don't often wear them, I have had them for a year and not yet got used to them. They are fine for looking at the screen but where I have to keep looking down at the orders I am reading, then at the screen( I am not a touch typist) it isn't much better than not wearing them. then I have to remember to take them off to walk about otherwise I would land in the warehouse rather than walking down the stairs. I was wearing them today as I had woken up with a niggly headache. Not unusual when I have had a disagreement with anyone. as the day went by the headache began to ease.

When I got home I found several messages from Neptune. Vi I can now tell you that the song he chose was 'Little sister' by Elvis ......... I really should have known it would be an Elvis song as he told me weeks ago that he is a fan of Elvis. He has also said that he would like to meet and thinks it would be fun. He can't meet this weekend but has suggested the Town/city where we could meet. so this has cheered me up. I was afraid that maybe I had been putting up too many barriers and he was just being polite. I said to Forest the other day that I was afraid I would not be good enough. Forest wisely suggested that I should let Neptune decide for himself whether I was good enough, I shouldn't make that decision for him.

No matter what has occurred in recent weeks, I still regard Forest as a friend. We are now able to talk without treading on eggshells. I do believe that friends, good friends should be able to be honest with each other. But this does not mean trampling on a friend's feelings with size 12 hob nailed boots. I think forest and I can remain friends I do enjoy chatting with him but I think we need to agree not to discuss what did/did not happen between us. We agreed the other day that sex had got in the way of our friendship. Unfortunately the conversation got around to dodgy ground and for me the wounds of last month were re opened and the knife twisted. I really don't think forest meant to hurt me with what he was saying. I just think that he didn't think about the implications of what he said. when I said goodbye on wednesday morning I signed off with a kiss ( nothing unusual in that). I wanted to rise above the hurt and pretend everything was alright. but during the following hours my mind kept going back to how those words made me feel.
It wasn't the words themselves it was what I percieved them to mean and how that affects any future relationship I may want. As I said on my wednesday post I go from one extreme to the other. Anyone who is a regular reader will know that throughout the late spring and summer I adored Forest and would not hear anything against him. I wore my heart on my sleeve. My reaction to finding out that my feelings had been so badly misplaced is to build barriers and show that I am not too eager and I wont be wearing my heart on my sleeve again too soon. I know this is something I have done in the past and am trying to overcome. This I think is at the route of why I felt the way I did about the conversation I had on wednesday morning. I felt that it had put me back in turmoil not knowing where I go from here. should I carry on being honest about my feelings, should I let my head be ruled by my heart and keep getting hurt, trampled on and mistreated. Or should I shield my heart, put up barriers and keep any prospective future partners at arms length and run the risk of never meeting anyone because I appear to be too cold, too distant.
I try to be honest at all times and I hope that shows in my blog. I am sure that forest can think back over the past year and know that anything I say about my feelings are an honest reflection of how I am feeling. He has been there for me through a lot of ups and downs over the past year. But I also believe that in being honest I always try not to say anything that will hurt anyone else. I am sorry that forest feels aggrieved by what I wrote this morning. I still say that I was hurt but I am sorry that in my expressing my hurt this has upset someone who I care about.

Now this evening I have been out. It is that time of year again. It is time to do the round of open evenings. Having gone through this last autumn with OJ it is now the turn of ET to decide what he wants to do next year and where. He has an idea that he would like to go into music technology and computing. I may be wrong but I get the idea his aim is to get into music production. where DC loves to make music ET wants to be on the technical team producing it. One thing about these rounds of college open evenings .........they bring it home that the boys are growing up and this time next year I shall have three sons who have left school!!!! how can I possibly be old enough ???

My baby JA has been on an adventure day today. rock climbing, low ropes, tunnelling, he has had a good but tiring day. he slept for a couple of hours when he got home. Now that means he doesnt want to go to bed. he has been telling me that he is being bullied at school. this would be alarming but it turns out that what he means is he goes upto ET and friends annoying them. they are the ones he says are bullying him but I gather from his cheeky grin that this is just playful.

It might seem that I recover very quickly from deep hurt. This is because I talk/write it out of my system. In the distant past I buried my feelings and told no one how I felt. Doing this made me ill and put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I get it off my chest and move on instead of letting it fester. That is why blogging is such a good thing for me.


wednesday was both good and bad

it started off with forest chatting asking if I ever sleep. we chatted for a bit then the conversation changed and I told him that had we been in the same room on tues evening I would have slapped him. the gloves came off then and we both said things that made me realise that he will never win any prizes for being tactful. the more he tried to explain himself the worse it got. I didn't pull any punches either. I made it quite clear how he had made me feel. This time if we had been in the same room it would not have been a slap in the face but a well placed knee. I was ok but pissed off. It seems that I am worth more than NSA and should just go out and find what I am looking for. but in the next breath grrrrr no I can't bring myself to relay what he said. I don't think he even realised what he was implying.

anyway off to work. It was quite quiet for a change and it soon became apparent that I would not only clear my workload but with plenty of time to spare. I decided it would be a good time to take the extra hour they owed me for staying an extra hour the week before last. Apart from anything else I was finding that I kept welling up with tears. It seems that no matter how much I told myself that Forest and what he said didn't matter, it did. I found myself thinking about how I go from one extreme to the other and don't know how to find the middle ground. Forest and Neptune are prime examples of the extremes. with forest I wore my heart on my sleeve. I let my heart rule my head. With Neptune I put up barriers, I tried to play it cool, perhaps so cool that I could appear to be cold and uninterested. I was feling miserable by the time I got home.

I came online sure there would be a message from Neptune, he had been sending me replies at around 9am shortly after I leave home for work. there was a message and as I began to reply, JJ began to chat. I am afraid that I was being a wet blanket but he soon had me giggling. we talked about Neptune who he thinks is odd. I thought that about forest (as did most of you) so that doesn't help much. he asked if we have met yet. I told him I don't even know if Neptune is even really interested, perhaps he only replies to my emails to be polite. He persuaded me to ask Neptune if he wants to meet as he had mentioned it once weeks ago but I hadn't replied, (I was trying not to be too eager.) so having already asked him the question about karaoke I sent another email asking if he still wanted to meet. I know he has read these emails over 12 hours ago. I know he was online before I went to bed last night. it is now 8.38am and still no reply. so I guess thats a no.

I went off to my writing class feeling in good spirits. I asked my tutor June if she thought I should take my stories to Rosie's wine bar as dj keeps telling me. But she has never heard of it. I told her of the magazines that dj thinks I should send my stories to. She agreed, but she also told me off. I am too quiet and she is going to start picking on me more to read my work out to the class. I explained about being shy but no she wants me to read my work out and says it will get easier. I nearly forgot one of my friends who had been quiet for weeks text me several times last night just before my class. I have promised to catch up later.

Oh and I have agreed to be a guinea pig for a certain blogger with her new online service. As of today I have to write down what I eat in the special diary she has forwarded. so far today one cup of tea and a bowl of cornflakes with semi skimmed milk.

Now I have to scoot or I will be late for work. Maybe when I get home I will find a reply from Neptune.

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

all woman

I shall be going off to my class tonight but while exchanging messages with Neptune in the last few days we discussed Karaoke. I have now asked him if he were to go to another karaoke what song would he sing? mine would have to be this ...............

All Woman (Lisa Stansfield)
He’s home again from another day
She smiles at him as he walks through the door.
She wonders if it will be OK
It`s hard for her when he doesn’t respond

He says babe you look a mess
You look dowdy in that dress
It’s just not like it used to be
Then she says. . .

I may not be a lady
But I’m All Woman
From Monday to Sunday
I work harder than you know
I’m no classy lady
But I’m All Woman
And the woman needs a little love
to make her strong
You’re not the only one

She stands there and lets the tears flow
Tears that she’s been holding back so long
She wonders where did all the loving go
The love they used to share when they were strong

She says yes I look a mess
But I don`t love you any less
I thought you always thought enough of me
To always be impressed

I may not be a lady
But I’m All Woman
From Monday to Sunday
I work my fingers to the bone
I’m no classy lady
But I’m All Woman
This woman needs a little love
to make her strong
You’re not the only one

He holds her and hangs his head in shame
He doesn’t see her like he used to do
He’s too wrapped up In working for his pay
He hasn’t seen the pain he’s put her through

Attention that he paid
Just vanished in the haze
He remembers how it used to be
When he used to say

You’ll always be a lady
‘Cos you’re All Woman
From Monday to Sunday
I love you much more than you know
You’re a classy lady
‘Cos you’re All Woman
This woman needs a loving men to keep her warm
You’re the only one
You’re a classy lady
‘Cos you’re All Woman

So sweet the love that used to be
So sweet the love that used to be

We can be sweet again

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

cancer and other stuff

This morning I read a post by a very brave lady, evening, whose blog I have only just become privileged enough to read. Although I have known of her for some time through other blogs I read. She got me thinking about how Cancer has affected my life.

In some ways I think I am lucky. I am lucky that I had cancer. A strange sentiment I know. I am lucky because before I found out I had cancer I was just drifting through life without living. When I was told that I had cancer and what treatment was being proposed all I could think about was

I will have to take a few weeks off work!!

I wasn’t worried that I would die, I wasn’t worried about the treatment, I was worried about telling my boss I needed time off work. I had no intention of dying, I had 4 young sons who needed me. I had a husband who couldn’t manage without me, not that he had realised this before.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone goes through cancer treatment if they can prevent it. But as I did go through it and survived, I figured that I had been given a second chance to live. Once I had got my strength back which took months (I was actually off work for 9 months not a few weeks). I did the classic re evaluation of my life.

I began to think about the things I would like to do while I am still on this earth. I started off thinking about the big things but decided that it isn’t the big things that are important. I could do the grand gestures like freefalling from a plane or climbing mount Everest. But to me it was more important to appreciate the little things like enjoying my children. I got involved in a local soccer club that my boys belonged to. I didn’t want to be one of the parents who drop their children off but don’t see their achievements. I didn’t know how much longer I would have, I didn’t know if the cancer would come back. I wanted to make sure that what ever happened my boys could look back and say ‘my mum was there…..she saw the goals I scored/saved’.
So I got involved with the teams, I became the club fundraiser, then the club secretary, finally the club chairperson. I wanted not only to be there for my own children but to put something back into society, to give local children a chance to follow their dreams. I knew everyone of those boys and girls, I enjoyed being someone they could talk to. Someone they looked upto.

In other areas I wanted to appreciate nature, I tried to go for country walks but my children were not very co-operative. I love to hear bird song, the rustle of the breeze in the trees. I changed my route to work so that instead of driving along boring built up roads I drove along lanes and past the sea. I love to drive with the windows open so I can feel the breeze in my hair. I love the feel of rain in my face, (unless I am on my way to a posh event or a hot date).

Over the years people have told me that I am a strong woman, a survivor. To me that is a very strange thing to say. Why am I called a survivor? I don’t have any choice. What are my options? In all the problems in my life……..heart break, cancer, divorce etc I have been told I am a survivor. I just get on with what I have to do. How do you not survive. It isn’t easy, it isn’t pleasant but its life. I don’t know how not to survive. I get things wrong, I make a mess of my life, but I am still alive. I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to make the best of things. But in what way is that being a survivor? I can’t choose not to survive, it just happens. When I was going through the divorce and all the harassment/intimidation I was told how strong I was. Teachers, police officers everyone told me they admired how strong I was. What choice did I have, I had to keep everything together for my children. I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak, I wanted someone to hold me and make it better, but there was no one. So I just had to get on with it.

Now I feel as though I have come out the other end of it. I am still struggling but that is a financial struggle now. I have been happier in the last 18 months than in most of my life. I am getting back into working regularly, the boys are growing into intelligent and pleasant young men, on the whole my health is good although I have bad spells. I was given the all clear from cancer in September 2001. I have been having regular checks since then, only once a year now. I am on hormone treatment to prevent me getting cancer of the womb. I feel that my cancer has gone but it till affects me every day of my life. It isn’t something that I focus on and there are days weeks when I don’t think about it. It is a part of my history, part of the person I am today. It is not something I can take away.

I was talking to forest earlier this evening about my problems with having a very shallow cervix following my radiotherapy. Oxo is determined to rectify this problem. I was saying to forest that although a few months ago my lack of depth did bother me, now, I have learnt that it isn’t a problem, I know I can give and receive pleasure anyway. Which forest confirmed.

Now I have run out of steam so I shall shut up.

Monday, 15 October 2007


this week's homework was to look at a picture of a man (who happens to have tattoos covering both arms). We are to choose a character to have a conversation with this man.

Here is my conversation:

Good morning Gladys and how are we today?

Whats good about it? I’m still ere aint I?

That’s one reason to be happy Gladys, we all look forward to your cheerfull face every morning. Now shall we get you downstairs to breakfast. Bert is already there wondering whats keeping you so long.

Let go you don’t have to hold me I can walk on me own young man

I know you can young lady but I just wanted to show off escorting such a pretty lady down the hall.

Ok Ok enough of your banter where’s me stick gone?

Here it is now let me hold the door for you, there we go.
Steady as we go now, wait for me I’m not as young as I used to be you know

Ha ha that’s funny your not much older than my grandson and that’s another thing

Oh no what I have done this time Gladys?

Cant you cover them arms of yours up

I thought you liked my tats

I don’t care but me grandson is coming to visit me today and hes bringing the younguns. I don’t want you scaring the little babyies do you hear me Barry.

Yes Gladys I will make sure I don’t frighten the children is that ok?

Well you just make sure you don’t.

Right here we are climb aboard and I’ll strap you on. We’ll have you down stairs in a jiffy.

No I aint going on that thing I’ll walk down the stairs if you don’t mind I aint an invalid yet.

Gladys just you get on this chair you know as well as I do the doctor says your not to walk down the stairs not after that fall last month. Do we have to go through this everyday.

You knows how much I hates this thing Barry. You know if you were a real man you could pick me up an carry me down them stairs.

Now now Gladys you know I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to. Tell you what, if you get on this lovely chair I will change my shirt to one with long sleeves so you wont have to see my beautifully decorated arms and nor will anyone else.

It’ll be your fault when Mavis rips my shirt so she can see the pretty pictures.

That Mavis is mad, crazy mad, she talks to er self you know.

Gladys now stop that its not nice to call your friends names.

Shes not my friend just cos we both live in this ere home don’t make er my friend do it?

I guess not but, you still have to get on with the others living here. Right lets take the strap off and you can step down.

How did I get down ere already?

Gladys you was naggin so much you didn’t notice you were moving.Right now you can race me to the lounge Laura will be serving the coffee in a few minutes. Now you behave yourself while I go and get Freddy.


Numerous messages passed between us in the early afternoon before the England/Estonia match. He said he felt he was being chatted up but was not complaining and I should carry on.
Sunday morning I ask if he often gets chatted up........saying that it is not something I do, but perhaps if I had a few drinks I might lose my inhibitions. A few hours later I receive his reply.

Have a few drinks Lady, and then try and chat me up and I'll mark you out of ten . . .

Well what is a girl to do when she gets a challenge like this. But retrieve a bottle from the I only have non-alcoholic drinks and a half bottle of white wine that was opened weeks ago and should have been ditched. so I gave it some thought and came up with this........still awaiting his response.

Have a drink and chat me up he says
I will let you know how you did
Huh who does he think he is
As if I would put myself through that
But how can I turn it down
Always ready for a challenge

I could try to impress
I could talk of archaeology
The history of matters maritime
To wax lyrical on machines
Such as BMW R 42
Or BSA 350 Fury

I could ask if he follows Justin Rose
Or perhaps its Montgomerie, Clarke and Westwood
As they head for Pebble Beach
Or maybe he would discuss the merits
Of White versus Davis or Taylor
Now its O’sullivan or Hendry

But I think I will stick to what I do best
Admit defeat, take a bow
And depart before my cheeks
Do blush scarlet with embarrassment
For chatting up a handsome gentleman

I have no previous experience

Sunday, 14 October 2007

something to share

I was writing a bit more of my book this afternoon. my headphones on and random songs from my playlist in my ear. This came on and I would like to share it with my friends. I think it is something we should carry with us whatever our situation.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Doing my nails

stuck at home, I've spent all my money but at least I know I shall be getting my money back from the bank in the next few days and also SF has promised to bring me cash over the weekend........looks like it won't be today. I have painted my finger nails in aztec gold nail varnish. Now I am wondering what colour to paint my toe nails. The last time it was hot purple and before that chocolate brown. the other choices are :

Diva (deep red)

Odyssey (silvery with hint of mauve)

Mauve (cant read the name)

Vernis a ongles (similar to odyssey but pinker)

Why does #4 son have this thing about painting the outside of the bottle with the varnish grrrr hes done it again and where has he hidden the rest of my varnish bottles?

#3 son came home from a day out in the city with his friends last sunday with his nails painted. they were alternatly red and black.

Sammy and others

It is looking more likely that I shall be having a weekend away very soon. I have been discussing with Sammy the possibilities of sharing a pillow for a night. I would love to meet up with cake while I'm in that area but knowing my luck it will coincide with one of her weekends away.

It is also now looking promising for 1st December to join Pixie and others for her christmas party. Negotiations with #4 son are going well, once he realised that I will be here when he opens his presents that was all he was worried about. There was never any question of me not being here for that (thats if I can afford to get him anything) maybe I will get him a few packs of blue tack......he loves the stuff for some reason.

I didn't get to see Mr Passionate after all this week, but he assures me we will get together soon. When we do I am going to let him know that I won't see him any more. but of course I shall wait until we have had our fun before I tell him this.

I was also meant to spend a night of pampering with Oxo on thursday but both of us suddenly found we couldn't manage it. I am quite relieved to be honest. I do like him and we are good together but he was worrying me when we chatted on tuesday. He is determined to overcome the problem of my lack of depth when it comes to intercourse. Although not ideal this is not too great a problem with anyone else. I am now beginning to feel that I shall tell him I won't be seeing him again. I had wanted to do this face to face but maybe now I shall tell him on msn.

Friday, 12 October 2007


today has been just a tad different
first thing my mum picked me up once the boys had gone to school/college and work
We were headed into city to visit a care home. This care home belongs to the same people who own and run the one where my grandad has lived for the last 13 months. He is 93 and becoming quite frail. He is having trouble walking (shuffling really) even with his walking frame. It now takes a lot of time for the staff (who are all lovely) to get him from his room and down the stairs each morning and back again in the evening. It is getting close to the time when they are not going to be able to keep him there any longer. He doesn't need nursing just help with walking and now also with eating as he is losing the feeling in his fingers and can't hold the cutlery very well. this other home has a vacancy in a ground floor room which he is being offered the chance to take. so we went to have a look, this home is a little bigger than the one he is in now, it is also nearer to us. My mum introduced me to the owner saying we might have met before, just as I said that no we hadn't he said he has seen me a few times when I have visited the man.

Any having checked this new place out (it will be the old man's decision) we set off for the drive to visit him in his current home (very close to where Forest lives). He now knows that he has the option of a ground floor room but at the other home, he doesn't yet know that it is a twin room. At the moment it is empty and there is a chance he could be on his own for quite some time but we felt it best not to mention this for now. He is thinking about it over the next week.

While we were travelling I got a call on my mobile (thankfully I was not driving) from my bank.
Maybe the two messages I left on their answer phone yesterday saying that I have made one complaint and if the problem is not resolved very soon I shall complain again, did the trick. The Assistant Branch Manager is now dealing with this. I explained to him what has happened and how long it is taking to get my money back. He called me back later to say he has made some calls and is now using his own authority to reimburse my account. He will also make sure I get all bank charges incurred during the four months this has taken reimbursed. He apologised for the problems I have had and understands my frustration. So next week I should have my money back. Bloody Romanians !!!!............the aggro they have caused.

I did something today that I have not done for weeks........I text Forest. As I was in his home town, I told him that we were having lunch in one of his local pubs, a different one to where we usually go I made a comment abut it. His reply was bloody cheeky. Whilst we were having our lunch two couples came in together intending to sit at the next table before moving to another. as they were moving away mother recognised one of the couples as the people who bought grandad's bungalow. The cheeky sod who sent his workman in to start ripping out the gas fire and strip the wall paper weeks before the property changed hands.

I also exchanged a couple of text with Sammy. ;-)

Thursday, 11 October 2007

sad and lonely

I am feeling a little sad and lonely
I know we all come into each of our lives for a reason
This is something I have believed in for some time now
Perhaps for these people the reason is no longer
I have some friends, fellow bloggers who I had been in very regular contact
Suddenly the contact has stopped
Both of them I have been there for them during their times of need
Both of them have moved on
I am not required any more to get them over the crisis
I am glad they are fine now
I am sad that they cannot
Check to see if I am ok
One sent me a text out of the blue
Saying he was being a renegade
The other had said he missed my good morning how are you texts when he was away
So why now when I have sent none has he not wondered why
So it seems I have out lasted my usefulness


So much for my plans for today

I have done some work on my writing and sorted out some of my earlier pieces using word count. I chatted for a while with Forest, it is good that we are friends again. I had an unexpected exchange of text messages with Sammy and a brief email exchange with Mr Passionate. Then JJ came online to chat. He asked me how things are with Neptune. I told him that I am taking things very slowly and letting him do the chasing if he does indeed want to do any chasing.

JJ says .........he would be a fool not to chase uuu..

why is that?

lol,,, now a question like that could get me into a lot of trouble
because i think u are worth chasing

awww thank you JJ's a pity JJ is spoken for.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

I did it!!

well now I am back and I am pleased to say that I did read my story out to the class. I could feel my eyes watering and I was trying to read it too fast to get it over with. I was falling over my words and realised I should have read it out loud before as some of the sentences were too long. After a while I got a bit more confident and my eyes stopped watering allowing me to calm down a bit more. Until that is I got to the part where she was dressing. then the eyes started to water again. when I had finished it was just silence and I thought they had hated it. But they had liked it. one comment was that there was no dialogue, and it was picked up that I changed tense a couple of times but otherwise they liked it.
next week I have to read my description of my kitchen. thats easy ...........dreadful mess falling apart.

the new home work is to choose a character to have a conversation with a man in a picture we were shown. then write the dialogue of the conversation


well I am just off to my writing class.......wish me luck as I will probably have to read my story out to the class this week.

that means my face will take on the colour of the dress in the picture.

But I shall be a brave little Lady and do my best.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

for your entertainment tonight

the very first draft of the beginning of my book

Picking up the red note book Caroline opens the front cover and reads. 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Yesterday we went to court and Neil pleaded guilty to harrassment. He agreed to a restraining order to stay away indefinitely. Now I hope we can both move on.'

Caroline wonders how they ever let things get so bad that they had to face each other across a court room, but what was worse was the reason. The court hearing had marked the end of months of harrassment and intimidation.............

New Me

From here on I shall be making this my main blog
I have decided to re-invent myself
From now this will be the place where Lady in Red entertains her visitors
Hopefully you will still find it cosy and scattered with cushions to rest your weary head.
You may even find a daily dose of smiles

Lady in Red hopes to continue to shower her friends with :

and sometimes even .......... wisdom

Sunday, 7 October 2007


this blog is no longer dedicated to my feelings towards someone I thought was special. He has shown me that I was wrong. He tried to blame me by saying he never promised me anything which is quite true he didn't. But when I have repeatedly told someone that I don't want to be a fuck buddy anymore is it really so unreasonable to expect that by continuing to see me he has accepted my wishes. By refusing to answer when I ask him how he feels he was allowing me to continue to let my feelings grow. Had he been honest we could have limited the fallout better.

I am now over it, I no longer have such deep feelings towards him, I see him only as a friend I chat with online just as we did for many months before. will we ever have sex again. I thought I had the answer to that one .........a great big NO WAY!!!

But now I have no answer, at present my intention is that the answer remains no, but when and if the subject comes up who knows. Maybe I have cleared my felings out enough to make it possible to have sex without emotion. But that seems a little too clinical to me right now.

Does he still want to continue having sex with me? a week ago I would have probably said maybe not. Now I think ........hes a man isn't he? emotion doesn't come into it would just be business as usual as far as hes concerned (thats my guess).