these old songs

Driving home from work today absent mindedly singing along to classic soul I found myself paying attention to the lyrics of this song. It got me thinking about lack of respect. How men who treat their women like this have no respect for either woman. But worse, how women who allow their man to behave like this have no respect for themselves. But the worse thing of all is that I have been one of these women.



When I met N, he was the first new man in my life for 20 years. I thought he was wonderful, after all I had been trained to believe that no man other than my husband would ever want me, and I was lucky that he put up with me. N made me feel good, for the first time in 19 years I felt sexy again. He wanted to prove to me that I meant more to him than just sex, but he was already seeing someone else. (She knew about me from the start but still got involved with him). By the time I found out about TB (the bitch) he had been seeing her behind my back for a month. N doesn't drive (medical reasons) he lives about half an hour away from me and TB about 1.5 hrs away. She would take him to her home where he would be stuck until she took him home (which was often 2 or 3 weeks), at the end of that time he would call me up, tell me he was finished with TB and only wanted me. Just when I thought everything was going well between us he would be off with her again. I should have told him to get lost but I didn't. I thought I loved him, he always told me that it was really me he wanted, but she had some kind of power over him. He always said that I was the nice one and she ........well she just wasn't.



Anyway the three of us carried on in this way for too many months. Him living with her for 2 or 3 weeks then being with me for a couple of weeks. Until the time came when I took a stand, he hurt me badly and on this occasion he said something that I just couldn't forgive. I punched him as hard as I could muster in my fury before driving off into the heat of the day. Later I went back mainly to see if I was still angry, but using the excuse of making sure that he had deleted every photo he had of me from his computer. (yes he was the one who started me off with the photos). He didn't want me in his flat as TB was there, I had always insisted that I never wanted to meet her, I didn't want to be friends with her. I was adamant that he prove to me he had deleted the photos. months later he told me that he had never seen me so angry and that if I had been like that more often he would never have gone off with her. (He couldn't cope with me being nice all the time).



Looking back now I can see that he didn't have any respect for either of us. He was just playing us both off one against the other.



I've known of your
Your secluded nights
I've even seen her
Maybe once or twice

But is her sweet expression
Worth more than my love and affection ?
But this time before you leave my arms
And rush of to her charms
(Think it over) Haven't I been good to you ?
(Think it over) Haven't I been sweet to you ?

Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart
Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart
Think it over
Think it over

I've tried so hard, hard to be patient
Hoping you'd stop this infatuation
But each time you are together
I'm so afraid I'll be losing you forever

Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart
Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart
Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart


However later this evening I heard this song which is more in keeping with the way I feel these days. As I was sat half watching BB whilst writing this post with my laptop perched on my knee while I lounged on the sofa at the end of a long day, a chat window opened. It is a very long time or so it seems since this window opened. It was the lovely Romeo. He only had a few minutes to chat as he was about to take an international call from a client. I didn't mind that he only managed to chat for matter of minutes. It was yet another example of how much closer we have become in the last 10 days but more especially in the last 4 days. All these months I have tried to be patient with him. I always felt since the beginning that he was worth waiting for. finally I believe my patience is paying off and I shall soon know if I was right to believe in him for so long even though we had not met. during the months since Feb I have listened and sung along to many songs but this one song has been a constant reminder that you can't rush it. Patience in this case has certainly proven to be a virtue.



I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take


You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

But how many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a love
To let me live again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin on
When I feel my strength, yeah
Its almost gone
I remember mama said:


You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take


How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before loneliness will cause my heart
Heart to break?


No I cant bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that i, I cant go on
These precious words keeps me hangin on
I remember mama said:

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take


You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


No, love, love, dont come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms
To hold me tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it aint easy
It aint easy
But mama said:

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take





what song helps you to keep going and why?

pip

This is something I have been thinking about posting for a little while, more seriously since Vi took up internet dating. Then last night reading her post about Joey I decided that the time has come this is something I have to write about.



Ok first of all confession time, those who have been reading my blog for ages will know this but there seem to be quite a few newish readers to my blog this year. After I divorced SF (shit face if you were wondering...hey he worked in shit and talked it too), I met N, he was a player who messed me about something cronic, sharing his time between me and 'the bitch'. I will go into that story another time. It took me 7 months to come to my senses and ditch N (well technically he ditched me but I hit him and nearly ........another time ok). Anyway this one time he went too far, I couldn't forgive him. Now during our on off relationship I had sent him many sexy photos, some suggestive others more ...well lets just say more to his liking. when we split up I made him get rid of them all. But I still had copies. Money was becoming a real issue for me at this time. I had not worked since March, even by that time my part time wages had not been enough to support me and my 4 boys, although SF was still living in the house he paid nothing towards the rent let alone any bills (main reason I am still struggling to get out of debt). I was desperate to find a way to earn some extra money.



Against my better judgement, remember I was desperate at this time, I tried to find any of the mens magazines or soft porn sites online that might pay for any of my pictures. I didn't go down that route but I did find an advert for a site called 'adult friend finder'. After many years of having very little and even then bad sex, meeting N had made me remember that I am a sexual woman. I enjoy sex and quite honestly wanted more. With trepidation I created a profile never thinking for one moment that anyone would be interested in me, especially considering all the nubile young women on offer. But I was wrong, I was inundated with offers. I had a few dates and even had sex with some of them. Then there was Pip. Pip comes from deepest Thomas Hardy country, he had grown up in the village my grandparents had retired to 35 years ago. I remember a fair few holidays down there so Pip and I had these memories to compare. We talked a few times then he showed me his picture. I was not impressed but not wanting to be shallow I thought I would continue chatting. Then he told me he had a week off work and wanted to meet me for lunch near The Other city which is where he works. So on the appointed day I drove over to The Other city and met him at a pub restaurant on the outskirts of the city.



The day before we met he had text me that he really liked me and if it wasn't being too pushy he might like to kiss me!!!



Too pushy my foot!! Well it was very sweet of him but really that was not what this was all about. Anyway back to lunch, we met he bought me a very nice lunch but as we sat eating I found him soooooooooboring I was just looking around I couldn't keep my attention on him however much I tried, I certainly couldn't maintain eye contact......there was just no chemistry at all. After lunch we moved to the comfortable sofa's with our drinks. He kissed me, if I remember right I moved so that he kissed my cheek. I just did not dig this guy at all, but I was feeling so bad that not only had he bought me lunch but had driven an hour to get there. then he got the idea that we should leave the pub, as we went out to the carpark he led me over to show me his new car ...don't ask me what it was I don't remember. We sat in the front talking, I phoned my friend to find out what time she needed me to pick up ET to get him to cricket (I didn't need to do that but it gave me a reason to escape in half an hour).



Pip persuaded me to get into the back with him where he tried to kiss me some more. there was one time when he said to me........



'Youknow you can put your arm around me if you like......... I think I have taught you something new today........I have given you a french kiss'



yuk yuk yuk....he might have tried to give me a french kiss but I was not co-operating. He actually thought I was very innocent. but in all this the funniest thing was when one of the waiters walked up through the car park, he could obviously see Pip pawing me. I was sat bolt upright staring forward. Pip had his back to the carpark so didn't see the look on the waiter's face. A few minutes later another waiter went passed this time laughing and doing the thumbs up to me.......I so wanted to do a thumbs down back. I know I shouldn't have let things get to this situation, I was just too soft .........no pun intended there but I will let it stay.



Eventually I made my escape unharmed in anyway but my dignity. but by the time I got home from my friend's house Pip had already text me that he liked me very much. Later as I was chatting online to my friend connor I got an IM from Pip, I tried to put him off, but he was adamant that he thought I was lovely and he wanted to see me again preferably tomorrow. I logged off and continued chatting to connor on a different msn profile. Pip was texting me that he liked me so much. I tried to let him down by texting him that I was worried about his feelings for me, that I wasn't ready for this. That is when the first email arrived.



sorry LiR i,v balls this up havent i , tell you the truth i,v been bit depressed last few days think it had somthing to do with my ex getting married i was upset that she,s got a happy famile life again .i like to think it wasnt that but cant think of any other reason so yes i was an idiot pushed you to hard im sorry can i have another chanch please we can have an healthy sex relationship, if you like that isi,ll understand if you dont want to see me again fuck it im such a idiot sorry x pip



wtf!! this guy thinks he pushed me too hard by kissing me, that I am very innocent and hes suggesting we have a sex relationship!!



I waited about 24 hours before I replied to him, I tried to make it out that it was all me not him, I didn't want to hurt him, I was still feeling bad that he had bought me lunch. Hey I have got better at this now....that was two years ago. I was feeling confident that this would be the end of it and he would be history. But I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for what followed.



thanks LiR i now know how you feel now . i shall tell you the truth now i am into swinging i do go out and meet other women and do have a girl friend thats who i go on holiday with. she see,s other men aswell, that the life im living at the moment so you see you had no worrys we could of had good sex together booked into traval lodges, i was right about feeling depressd you did catch me in a bad way that day, not knowing what i wanted from you sorry i lead you on i feel such a rat as i usally do when meeting someone new, as im in love with alli only prob is she doesnt feel the sameway so thats the mess my lifes in, we seam to be quite a pair dont we so i know you wont ever want to see me again now youv read this, so take care hun have fun hope you find what your looking for, lovely to have meet you, your very nice xxx pip



Now there is no way in this world that I am going to believe this.

I don't remember if I ever replied to this but I do remember that he continued to contact me. One day he was trying to chat while I was chatting to Connor, I told him what had been going on and connor just as a joke said he was surprised that I hadn't put pip in contact with 'the bitch' (pip had asked if I knew any women who might be into swinging). then the devil got into me and I said I might know someone, who actually lives a little nearer to him than I do. shes 100 miles from me. I showed him the picture I had on my computer (connor thinks it ugly) but pip was quite taken so I told him the town where she lives. For days he pestered me for her email and phone number. Eventually I owned up and told him that she was no friend of mine, I made him promise that if I gave him her email addy he wouldn't let on it was me that gave it to him. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to meet her, even when I told him she had been my love rival.



weeks went by and as it happened N had got back in touch and thats another story altogether, but as it happened I ended up staying over night at his place. the next day I got a text from pip....telling me that.....



'that 'the bitch' is a right cow and i'm having nothing to do with her'



so he had made contact then........I couldn't help laugh



I never heard from him again thank heavens.



most people think I am lovely but I do have an evil streak in me lmao



maybe one day I will tell you about my plot to have revenge on N (but I have grown up now...well perhaps just a tiny bit).

Real Life readers

This feels a little strange. It was confirmed to me today that I am being read by someone in my RL. In the past my blog has been read by some of my lovers/potential lovers, this has not bothered me in the slightest. The only one that bothered me was N. He found my blog Battle to find myself after I had finished seeing him. Of course he read my thoughts about not being happy with him, he felt that I had made a fool of him because everyone knew who he was. In fact only one person I talked to (Forest) knew about him and which town/city he lived in (not the same as mine). N even spoke to Forest online one day when he was staying here and I was chatting to Forest he decided to get in on the act and wind poor Forest up (at this time it was still several months before I met Forest). N was the reason I started my second blog Kindred Perverts and took on the persona of Sexy Vixen. N was also the reason I made both blogs private for a while when he was trying to black mail me. What ever did I see in that man?

I did find that it had an effect on my writing when I was seeing Forest knowing that he had been reading my blog since it began. Sometimes I found myself writing things especially for his benefit even though I was never sure whether he had read it or not as he reads on and off rather than regularly. Other times I censored what I wanted to write because I wasn't sure I could be completely honest whilst Forest might be reading it. Then I set up this blog with the idea of dedicating it to Forest for his birthday, it consisted purely of posts that were about him.

Until there came a time when I decided to have a change in direction this coincided with my decision to stop reading a couple of blogs by women who I had been friendly with until the day I accused one of being a bully to one of my other friends. Luka recognised this as being aimed at her and decided to go overboard in her defence of herself. I took this in my stride refusing to be drawn into any arguments but when she decided to rehash the whole thing again I decided it was time to cut the ties with her and one or two of her followers. Its was on this very blog that I had my public bust up with Forest which led to him leaving a few comments for the first time.

Now another RL person is reading my blogs. This person is not a current or former lover. This person is not someone I have ever met in person. We speak fairly regularly and we even exchange emails. I am a little embarrassed that this person has been reading some of the more intimate things I have written. I was somewhat alarmed this evening when I discovered that one of the first things this person read was this post about texting JJ. He has also read this little fantasy that I wrote after a text comment from Forest. If he was someone I didn't know it wouldn't worry me. The fact that we speak in RL doesn't over worry me, but he knows my Boss and some of my colleagues, now that could be interesting. I guess that I am just going to have to trust this person who I think has chosen his own name. (First person to ever do that). How did he tell me what he wants to be known as? I received an email this afternoon (from one LV to another). I took this to be his way of not only telling me that he has read my blog but also that he would prefer to be known as LV.

situation Vacant

I have a possible vacancy for a man to be by my side (well more accurately in my bed).

I had a husband, we shared a bed for 19 years but in the end I didn’t want to share the bed with him any more so I divorced him and bought a new bed. (the fact that the kids broke it within a few months is irrelevant). We went to court because he was harassing me and on a few occasions I thought he was going to kill me….he threatened to lots of times. But now we are able to be civil to each other again. Last week though he asked if we will ever get back together again…….I told him no.

I had a boyfriend, he has been in my life on and off for 18 months now. He messed me around. He was seeing someone else. He would stay with me for a few weeks then be with her for a few weeks. I thought I was in love with him, I fought to get him back. Eventually he hurt me too badly and I tried to forget him. Then after Christmas we got back together but I wasn’t keen, shouldn’t have agreed. But I wanted to sometimes not wake up alone so I put up with him. It wasn’t good, I no longer thought he was great in bed. His kisses didn’t melt my heart any more. I broke up with him but it took several months for him to accept. Then he wanted to be friends and chat on msn. Every time we spoke he would end up being rude, leaving me wanting to smack him one. Last night we spoke briefly and he was fine, no insults! He invited me over for a drink………I declined.

I have had a number of married men in the past year. The fact they are married means that we could never have more than a few stolen hours occasionally. I got lonely at night and on weekends so I decided to give up my married men. All but one anyway. How could I give up my Mr Passionate. He is as passionate about me as I am about him which is delicious. But I can’t ever see him at the times when I am lonely.

There have been other men, mostly they are too far away or the chemistry just wasn’t right. There is one who I see still. I like him he is kind, has his own home, lives far enough away but not too far. Sexually we are good together. He likes me to stay all night it is nice waking up with him on a Sunday morning. I felt like going to see him last Friday when I was feeling down. I know he would have comforted me, he would have made me feel wanted but I just couldn’t go. I felt that I would have been using him. It wouldn’t have felt right to be sleeping with him while my mind was with someone else. I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself which would have made it less pleasurable for him too. I know he wouldn’t have minded if I was using him. We both know that we are fuck buddies nothing more although he did say a few months ago that it was possible this could become a relationship eventually. This is not what I want though. He is nice, he is safe but he doesn’t light my fire.

I had a friend, we chatted often on msn when he was at work. He wanted to meet me but I was in no hurry and he wasn’t pushing for a date, just reminded me from time to time that he would like to do with me some of the things I was doing with others. He read my blogs often to keep up to date with what I had been doing when we hadn’t chatted for a while. After months we swapped mobile numbers, he warned me that he doesn’t have his switched on all the time. We began to text occasionally but mostly we still chatted on msn. After a few more months we met. I thought I was meeting a friend. In fact I met a very sexy man who completely bowled me over during our chat and consequent walk in the woods the following day. I think the world of him, he is my friend and lover. But timing has not been good since we first met. Either he has been very busy and not had time to chat on msn or I have not been able to get to the computer to chat. Now I work I am unable to chat with him. I have now discovered that he is not very communicative by phone. We do exchange text messages but not as much as I would like. But I accept that is just the way he is. He lost his phone for a couple of weeks which didn’t help, I was climbing the walls not being able to text him. But as always just when I start to think this is not working he will text me. He might not say much but he is caring and thoughtful. My friends tell me to forget him as he obviously isn’t interested he is just messing me about. But I don’t agree. I think he is just being himself, working hard and not being pushy. But I want him to be pushy, I want him to be masterful. In a way he is, he is the one in control here even if he doesn’t say much. I want to see him very much, my body craves the physical contact with him but more than anything it is my friend I miss when we are apart.
We have not seen each other since I went back to work about 5 weeks ago.

So anyway, there is a vacancy in my bed, maybe my sexy friend will fill it but maybe he won’t.