The wonder of Facebook

I was going to write a post about my day with Plumber, I was also going to write about my trip to The Cotswolds but before I can write either I feel compelled to write a very different post.

Along with quite a few of you I have a profile on facebook. I don't use facebook all that much, I have phases. Mostly in recent months I merely look to see what my friends have been upto, write a comment but don't get involved with all the application. I did though do the quiz to see what chocolate I was seeing as Queen Vixen had already done this one and was shown to be a snickers bar how could I resist. I am a twix bar apparently.

Through facebook I can keep up with what some of my blogger pals have been doing like Dani whilst she has been in australia although she hasn't been blogging much she has been posting comments and photos of her trip on facebook.

Recently I have had a fair number of friend requests from people I had lost touch with in my real life. A couple I knew before I met my husband for example. A woman I was very close to when our children were at the play group stage.

Today I had a new request from a woman I was very close to for years from when her son was two (he turned 19 this week). This woman is incredible. If I have had a tough life hers has been twice as tough. At the turn of the century she was just beginning to get a normal life back after a number of years helping to care for her mother who has been severly disabled both mentally and physically since a brain haemorage when she was in her early 40's. Her 10 year old son became very ill (he had lukemia). But even though she was caring for her sick mother and her very sick child as well as managing to cope with a pre school child, she still found time to talk me through my cancer.

We lost touch a couple of years ago when her marriage was in trouble, her husband blamed me. I was very worried about my friend but felt it best to keep out of the way until she felt it was safe to make contact. Today I was so very pleased to hear from Abbie, we have exchanged some very long emails catching up on each other. Abbie is the most caring and genuine persone I have ever known. I have just worked out that she has just turned 40 this month but she has so much worry and stress in her life I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the rest of her life the happy stress free life she so deserves.

Whilst I was catching up with Abbie I discovered that I had accepted another request, this time from a man. I don't remember accepting him. I have found a couple of friends that I don't recall accepting. I only accept people I know or who know my friends. Tonight I was looking at this name it dawned on me that this name was familiar so I checked the profile. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I do indeed know who this man is. We even dated once 18 months ago. I did think this must be a mistake as the last time we had contact was a very strange affair. I am not sure if I explained on here how our brief relationship came to a very abrupt and definite end.

On his profile he has two friends (one of them being me). I wondered if he had realised who I was. I sent him a brief message saying that I was very suprised. He has replied asking if I still live in ******* so it appears that he does know its me. Well I wonder why he has decided to make me his first friend and why now.

It seems that Skipper has joined the list of men I used to know, who are turning up out of the blue. Knight, Forest, Bovril (aka Married Man) and now Skipper.

Hector

I was starting to answer the comment that nitebyrd left on my last post about the description Hector had given me. Having given this some thought i decided that my friend Hector deserves a post of his own.

for each of us there are people who come and go in our lives. some we might chat to a few times, some may become lovers and some are close friends.

Hector is one of these people who I just clicked with, there has been no build up of friendship over days, weeks or months. The first time we chatted we were up all night chatting and we have been firm friends ever since. Lol that makes it sound as though it has been years. It has in fact been 2 months. We chat and play games on face book, I ahve so many invites for hugs, kisses and much more and a good proportion of them are from him. mind you he gets just as many back from me. we chat on msn for hours, we text and exchange jokes. like the one he sent me on Valentines day.

Man goes to see wizard and says 'can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago' Maybe says the wizard, if you can remember the exact words of the curse. the man replies without hesitation ' I now pronounce you man and wife'.

we chat on the phone too, I do like to hear his scouse voice lol I shall have to ask him what he thinks of my voice. he thinks I'm an idiot, he calls me sexy bum, mate but mostly 'maddo'.

He is like my best friend, my brother, my lover all rolled into one except he is not my brother or my lover. He knows I still have the hots for Swinger. I know he is in love with a woman who doesnt want to know. we flirt, we tease , we can have sensible conversations, but equally we can both be as daft as a brush or as mad as a box of frogs.

Before I knew that Pixie was changing the date of her party I had asked him if he wants to meet up for coffee when I travel to Pixie's . Without any hesitation he agreed, even says he will behave himself. I have warned him he will have to hope my will power is strong and I behave myself too. we talked about friends and those who are just a shag. I asked him which I am. he tells me I am a friend but he would still like to shag me. He knows it isn't on the cards and hes ok with that but he can still dream he says. now that Pixie has changed the date of her party and we still don't know when it will be. I have suggested to Hector that maybe I will find myself with a reason to travel up that way before the party or he might find he has a reason to travel south. he says its more likely he will come south as he travels more often than I do.

On friday I decided that its time to change my profiles again on the dating sites. They need updating. I decided that in order to get it right I should ask Hector for his help seeing as he has got my measure. But I didn't see him online until after I had done it. But I did discuss with him a message I had received in response to one I had sent to a professional man in Brighton. I showed Hector the message from brighton, he didnt like it thought it was sleazy. He asked me to send him my profile which he thought was fine and he wrote me the message he would have written in response to my profile. It was brilliant a very good mixture of humour and compliments and very obvious that he had read and understood my profile. I have not spoken to him since last night( this morning as it was 4am when I said good night).

Having decided that I would write this post I spent some time thinking about him and what I would write. It dawned on me that I probably couldn't find anyone better suited to me. He is funny, intelligent, sensitive, he understands me, he can see past the insecurities, the sexual woman, he can see the real me as I am, all the different sides of me. He finds me attractive, sexy and he appreciates both my humour and my writing. He told me weeks ago that I am wearing his cock out (even though we have never met).

maybe I should just decide to spend a weekend with him instead of an hour or two and just see where it gets us. See if there is that spark between us in person or if we are destined to be friends and nothing more. when I asked his advice about my profile he was baffled. He said he didn't know why I need to use dating sites at all. Maybe hes right and I don't need them.

I want to kiss you

Do you know how much I want to kiss you?

Do you know how much I want to be held by you?

Do you know how much I want to gaze into your eyes?

Do you know how much I have to tell you?

Do you know how much I miss my friend?

Do you know how much I want the feel of your fingers inside me?

Do you know how much I yearn for your caresses on my arse?

Do you know how much I love to hear your voice?

Do you know how much I want to shake you?

Do you know how much I want to tease you?

Do you know how much I ache for your touch?

Do you know how much I want to scream because of you?

Do you know how much I admire you?

Do you know how much I desire you?

Do you know how much I want to banish you from my mind?

Do you know how much I want to suck you?

Do you know how much I want to do with you?

Do you know how much I want to show off this lovely man?

Do you know how much I want to really fuck you?

Do you know how much I want to show you how wet you make me?

Do you know how much I wish I didn't feel all this?

changing my mind

why had I changed my mind you asked me

I didnt exactly change my mind, that would mean I had decided never to meet you. I had never made that decision. though I was happy having you as my friend. If Im going to be totally honest your picture is not a good one so it didn't make me feel I had to meet you urgently. But I try to keep an open mind so that would not have stopped me from meeting you. Besides I have found that mostly the men I have the best chemistry with are not the best looking. But why was I not getting around to meeting you? This is going to be difficult to put into words that make any sense to anyone but me.

I enjoyed chatting to you. I felt I could tell you anything, you didn't judge me, you enjoyed my adventures, you helped me to work out how I felt about people, events etc. you laughed at my humour, you encouraged me when I was feeling either low or in a strange mood. Sometimes when I described something I had done or wanted to try you would tell me you would like to try those things with me. I let those comments pass. I didn't grab hold of them and turn them into an opportunity as I could have done. You asked me if I wanted your mobile number but I let that chance slide by without comment. I don't know how you felt when I did that. It wasn't that I didn't want your number, there were times I wished I did have it.

There were times when I thought about what it would be like if I met you. Part of me wanted to meet this man who I had become very fond of. A bigger part of me was scared. Now I understand why I was scared and I understand that I am still scared. Another reason we didn't meet sooner is that you passed comments about wanting to do things with me but you never once asked to meet me. If you had asked me out right to meet up I would have agreed but you didn't. You still don't ask to see me, you either accept or decline when I mention it. You told me very little about yourself, oh I knew about you doing work on your house, your cats and that you have 4 children. eventually you told me that you see a woman sometimes, you have a good time with her. but you dont get together as often as you would like. The more I learnt about you the more I knew that if we met I would like you. I was coming to the stage of not wanting to play the field anymore. I wanted a more steady relationship in my life. I didn't and still don't think I am ready for a full on
relationship but I wanted someone who I could go out and do things with sometimes. Someone i could sometimes wake up with instead of always waking up alone. I thought from our conversations that you knew this. We even talked about me needing to find a single man who could give me more time than just the occasional tumble in the bedroom. sometimes I wondered if you were telling me to read between the lines and
accept that you are single and would like to be that person. But I was never sure if I was imagining this.

As the months passed and we didn't meet but I was becoming more fond of you the more scared I became of meeting you. I didn't want to meet you and find that I really liked you but it wasn't reciprocated. when we did meet I knew I liked you. I am not going to say that it was love at first sight it wasn't. but during that first time as we sat drinking our glasses of cola I found myself warming to you, you are much better looking than your picture shows. But it wasn't your looks that got me it was you, your manner, your quiet confidence tinged with a little uncertainty. As you know I was mesmerised by your lovely eyes, I could just gaze into those pastel blue eyes of yours for hours. There is nothing brash about you, you are trully a
gentle man. when your hand brushed my knee it felt so good. When you kissed me goodbye with your hand on my waist it felt so good I can still feel that touch now all these months later.

But it was the next day when we met for a walk that you really caught me. I can't pin point the moment, was it when you took hold of my hand as we walked, was it when we stopped to kiss that first time. I could have stood there by that pond forever but reaching up to you was hurting my neck a little and it can't have been too good for you, being so much taller than me. was it when we wandered off through the trees. I know that by the time your hands were roaming over my body as we stood amongst the trees you had me hooked. My body gave me away even if my words didn't. I still can't believe I was so arouse just by being with you that my juice was running down my legs even before your hand found the hem of my skirt.

If my behaviour since then has been irratic, sometimes my mood has been good sometimes frantic it is only because you confuse me so much. I don't understand what it is that makes me feel the way I do. But more than that I have no idea how you feel, are you glad we met or do you regret it. Do you like me for me or do you just want the sex we have. If we could talk more like we used to I would feel better but in the absence of your words my mind fills in the blanks and that can be pretty horrendous at times.I really am scared of my feelings and the implications they bring.