Thursday, 31 December 2009
I have been off work for a whole week......a whole week I can't believe it. All those plans I had for writing and walking, going into the office for a few hours to get work prepared for the new year. where has the time for all that gone?
Boxing Day I had a few hours of solitude while the offspring were with their other parent. Ideal time to write. I cleared the kitchen did some laundry tried to get some inspiration, resorted to reading my new book of humourous quotes. Nothing! I was just getting my second mince pie of the season when the phone rang......can you pick us up now please.
The rest of the week has been no better. If I wasn't giving ET a lift into work or shopping (yes I have visited asda and sainsburys) I was paying money into the bank (not only mine). Oh I did get myself some new shoes in the M & S sales. Surely you didn't think I would get through the week without some new shoes ..............purple ones to go with all my purple tops. I do like to be colour co-ordinated didn't you know. I have visited my mother several times and done a few errands for her. Including taking her to hospital for her pre op blood test.
Mother did tell me yesterday as I drove her home in her car........you are a good girl doing all this for me. ha ha I do try to be good when I can (I'm not naughty all the time).....I have accepted that I have reached that time in my life when I am still running around after my children but now also my parent (I only have one left). Nobody needs to know of the not so good thoughts I sometimes harbour.
I was just chatting to Forest comparing notes about conversations we have needed to have with our respective eldest child during the festive season. I told him that these are the times I hate being a parent. His reply ..........'these are the times they need us to be parents'. You see this is why I adore Forest not just for his body but he is also great to talk to. Even if he has got wharped ideas at times. Earlier I received a missed call (it rang once) from a very strange number obviously not a British phone number so I googled it. To my suprise I got a result..........a female filipino looking for hotel work. Forest predictably suggested hiring her to earn money for me.
It hasn't all been running around after others I did go out for lunch with Plumber on Tuesday. It was nice to spend a few hours together with no pressure of time or anything else just talking eating and drinking. I amost forgot that I had promised to collect ET from work at 5.30 it was 5.20 when I realised and we were sitting in Plumbers car chatting up on Winchester Hill in the growing dark. We quickly drove off to fetch ET (he only had to wait 10 mins or so). A quick kiss before I ran indoors. I had forgotten what it is like to kiss him. We have agreed not to wait so long before we go out again.
I won't pretend any of us received or gave many presents this year but Christmas day was good and we all appreciated what we did get, but I do want to share one gift with you. It is probably the loveliest gift I have ever been given.
Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminded that I have some wonderful and generous friends too. Which has led me to realise what my New Year resolution must be.
My New Year Resolution is to accept help when it is offered. I did think another resolution might be to actually ask for help but on considering that I realised that to expect that might be asking a little too much.
Here is my favourite photo from Christmas Day. After my mother's first visit to my house in a long time (she can't manage the stairs very easily and our bathroom is upstairs) I took her home we both forgot her basket but our cat Nipper decided to adopt it.
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Setting out at 6.45 am I slid gingerly along my garden path onto the public footpath. It only took 2 steps to realise I would be better off walking along the crisp frozen grass crunching along until I had to cross the pavement to grab hold of a neighbours garden fence. When the fence ran out I had no choice but to launch myself across the back ice topped tarmac down onto the road to where my car was parked. Slowly making my way around the car with scraper in hand, working to remove the ice from the windows. Icy rain making everything colder and wetter. Driving very very slowly skidding at the bottom of the road we crawled to the main road.
Carefully we made our way into town observing that pedestrians were without exception using the road rather than the paths. By the time I got ET to work we were a little late but at least we arrived in one piece. I was about to return home when I decided to pull over and phone my friend/neighbour/colleague PB to warn her what the roads were like. This was a bit of a mistake as I then couldn't get my car moving at first. However perseverance helped and with in a few minutes I was on my way again.
Calling into the local petrol station I found the forecourt being guarded by a man in a high visibilty coat standing next to a large sign proclaiming 'seriously severe ice'. He told me that they were open but be very careful. After filling up and completing my business I returned home passing PB as she was just leaving. Turning my car around I saw another neighbour (who I worked with a few years ago) with container of salt in her hand. She told me that she couldn't open her garage, as she couldn't stay on her feet. She had fallen and hurt herself already. Parking up I again managed to skate from my car to the pavement grabbing hold of my neighbour's fence I hauled myself along until I reached the grass (still crunchy even though it had been raining for some time by then). Once I reached my path I launched myself across the great devide that was formerly the pavement now an ice rink. Hanging on to the fence post geting a faceful of frozen wet leaves from the shrub that overhangs my side of the fence. (thank heavens I had cut it back about a month or so ago).
I left the house again at 8.40am for an audiology appointment at a local health centre. This time it was light and I could actually see the ice. There was not only ice on the road and footpaths but on the fences everything. Everything that was exposed to the elements was coated in solid ice. Never in my life have I seen so much ice everywhere. Again I crunched my way along the grass then holding onto the fence. Skating to my car I could see the frozen footprints where I had earlier stood to scrap the ice off which had now frozen again. Our road was still very icy but the traffic had by now churned the ice up to frozen slush. Even on the main road traffic was moving very gingerly. I didn't have far to go to reach the health centre. I noticed that the few people who were either brave or stupid enough to venture out were avoiding the paths still. As I attempted to turn into the health centre car park I saw that the gates were closed with a sign saying 'car park closed dangerous ice'.
On the one hand I could see the sense in that but on the other hand it was stupid. Perhaps there would be people falling over in the car park which like everything else was dangerously slippery. But where better to have a fall than in a place where there are doctors and nurses. Instead patients were forced to park across the road where there is a small parade of shops. I parked my car in one of the few remaining bays slid across the road running along the parade. Up onto the ornamental paving hanging onto the metal railings that surround the beds of shrubs that decorate the area. I made my way to the gap that led to the outer pavement lining the main road. At this point I had no choice but to let go and free slide to the edge and step into the road. Luckily there was still not much traffic (a mere fraction of normal) and those cars on the road were moving slowly. Reaching the opposite side of the road I joined about 4 others who were gingerly picking their way from gate to door of the health centre.
Once inside I was suprised to see an old friend working as a receptionist. I waited for heer to finish a protracted telephone call before greeting her. To my utter amazement she told me that she is now a granny (twice over), I assumed that this was from her daughter from her first marriage but no both her sons have become fathers. Her sons were school friends of DC and OJ. In years past there were often weekends when I had one of her boys sleeping over while she had one of mine. (in fact I had not long collected OJ from there when he fell out the window ripping open his armpit, about 9 or 10 yrs ago).
Anyway she made a note that I had arrived although it took her a while to find my name on the list as she was looking for LiR not my real name of Lady. (ok so that is not my real name but you get the idea). I then sat in the waiting room reading my book. Mother phoned me to tell me not to go out because it loks very icy, I shouldn't go to work (I would normally have been at work almost an hour by this time). I had to cut the call short when I was called in by the 'trainee scientist'. It was my time for my early christmas present. The young lady who didn't look much older than DC explained that she felt I would benefit from a different type of aid from the one originally planned for me.
I was hooked up to a computer via various wires connected to a machine that made noises at me. After an age during which she fiddled with her computer whilst I sat staring (as instructed) at the speaker emitting noises that would not be out of place on an episode of Dr who, she was satisfied that she had set the appropriate levels for me. This device I shall be wearing from here on in is a clever little thing. Not only has it been set reasonably quietly to give me a chance to get used to the new sounds I shall be able to hear but it gradually increases the volume over several months until it reaches the optimum volume. But I can adjust the volume according to various situations and it will remember those changes and make those adjustments itself next time I am in a similar setting. Armed with my new 'open fit' hearing aid, spare batteries, tips, tubes and leaflets I was now free to get off to work.
Although it was gone 9.30 by now it was still extremely icy outside. How I managed to stay on my feet I really don't know as my feet did slip countless times on my various trips to and from my car. Anyhow I made it safely back across the two road to my car and set off to work. Once I got back to the main road I was ok but I did still see others struggling. I made it to work without incident unlike many others according to my radio. This being our last day before we broke up for christmas I prayed we would be let off early today (in the hope the roads would have thawed and not refrozen). We were in luck, stock take completed we finished at 3 pm. Armed with my christmas cards a bottle of spiced rum and two bottles of shiraz I bade my colleagues christmas wishes and departed.
I didn't go home I collected a few items from a local store and called round to see my mother and collect the turkey. I was just leaving mother when OJ text me asking for a lift home from his soccer match at 6.30pm. That was an hour away, first I collected ET from work. While were were driving home there were flashes of lightning in the sky among the dark clouds. It was drizzling but nothing worse, the ice had eventually melted whilst I was at work. However when I was driving home with OJ the drizzle had become heavy rain that turned to hail. By the time we were half way home (its about 2 miles) the road appeared to be covered with snow. The hail was so thick everything was now covered in a blanket of white at least an inch deep. Hours later this carpet of white was still there. Adding to the excitement of our short journey was the sudden crash of thunder accompanying the sky splitting lightning.
This is one day I shall remember for the weather for a long time yet. How was your day?
Sunday, 13 December 2009
I have been struggling with my finances for years and every now and then I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But right now reality is biting hard as it always does at this time of year. It is hard enough struggling for the rest of the year but the lead up to christmas always makes it worse. The realisation that I can't afford to buy any treats for my boys hurts.
Following the recent episode with my bank account I have found that I am several weeks in arrears with my rent. I am also in arrears with my Council Tax and sewerage rates. Every single month is a struggle. Every month I tell myself that next month will be better.
But I have come to the realisation that I simply do not earn enough to cover all my expenses even though I am very careful to keep spending down to a minimum.
I have a choice, I can change my job for one that pays more. That is not going to be easy besides I am one of the lucky few who has a job that I enjoy, working with people I like. Or I can continue with my current job (I have checked and I am earning the average amount for similar work) but take on a second part time job. I get tired easily so that would put an extra strain on me. But it would get me out of the house meeting other people. I could look for bar work a couple of evenings a week but that isn't going to make up the difference of £600pm between my current income and that of a year ago when I was on higher child tax credit and family allowance. Or as a family friend has suggested, a local coach firm are looking for more drivers particularly women. This would give me more money but would the greater number of hours be too much for me.
I have decided to apply for part time work with the coach company for the moment and see what happens.
My laptop has been away for repair for 3 days which ended up being a couple of weeks. It is now almost virus free and after having windows reinstalled it is faster and cleaner. I haven't really missed it too much. I have been using JA's old desk top which doesn't let me do much but at least I could check my emails and go onto facebook to get my fix of bejewelled the game I play a lot.
I have recently got back into reading books, something I have not done much of in the last couple of years. I'm averaging one every week at the moment compared with one a year which is what I had been managing before.
I don't have anything exciting to tell you. There have been no dates to tell you about. No great social events to describe. My life has been a tad monotonous in that I go to work then go home.
I did drive upto Gloucestershire with my mother for a short visit to my grandmother a few weekends ago. She will be 91 on 27th December, although she is getting frail she still lives alone in the home she shared with my grandfather before he died at the start of 1994. When I last saw her in April I found it very difficult as she had problems with remembering names not just people but places and things too. Since then she has been assessed and is now on medication which has helped her a great deal, she doesn't get so confused and can now say names (even if she does get her sister and daughter muddled).
This time next week my boys will be home from Uni after their first term away. DC ran out of money a couple of weeks ago but OJ has managed his money much better. On Thursday he is getting the train home and we are going back to his college for awards night where he will be getting an award for his A level Law. Afterwards he will go back to Uni which finishes on friday then I will go up there to collect him and his belongings on Saturday. I can't believe it has been a whole term already, we have hardly had time to miss them as they have both been home a few times.
A couple of weeks ago I had my last oncology check up and have now been discharged after 8 years. I have also had a couple of audiology appointments and on 23rd December I should receive my new digital hearing aid. This is being tailor made to my specific hearing unlike my old hearing aid which just amplifies everything. The result being that I hear every noise around me clearly but still struggle with voices especially those people with low voices.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Monday, 9 November 2009
Now I ask you this................why would I be desperate for a man?
I was married for too many years to want to be married again in a hurry.
One of the reasons I divorced him was so that I could make my own decisions without having to always defer to him first. (not a major reason for divorce but a welcome bonus).
Whilst I was still unhappily married I was scornful of women who had to have a man in their life.
Now here I am giving an impression that I must have a man in my life.
I am not one of those women who can only be happy if there is a man in their life.
I am and have since my divorce been happy with myself, my self confidence has grown immensely. After years of emotional and verbal abuse I had to relearn to love myself. Now I am in a place where I do.
I do not need anyone male or female to make me happy I do that myself. That does not mean that having a man in my life would not add to my happiness, it just isn't the recipe to happiness. I decided several years ago to be happy and I trully believe that we all choose whether to be happy or miserable. I choose to be happy. I do have off days where I am not so happy but they are few and far between.
I take great store in being independent, managing on my own, being able to do everything a man can do. I have always believed that anything a man can do so can a woman. I do love to be feminine but I am also just as happy to get my hands dirty doing practical stuff. (that doesn't mean I am good at it but then not all men are either). A few years ago I said that there are only two things I need a man for.......putting up wallpaper and sex. So how do I manage .......I don't do wallpaper I paint my walls and for sex well that is easy .............I have Forest for that .....my 'occasional indulgence'.
So why would I want a man in my life........well thats obvious isn't it
To put up shelves and curtain poles, to unblock the toilet ...................to cut the hedge........strip wallpaper, all things that I am capable and do, do myself. But it would be nice to have some help with these things.
To share things with, holding hands walking along the beach, going out for meals or to the theatre/cinema. To go on holiday with.
I have struggled financially through out my life both during and since my marriage. It would be nice to have someone to share the burden with. Someone I can treat sometimes, someone to treat me occasionally.
For 20 years I was starved of affection, this has left me craving affection, it is very difficult for a naturally tactile and affectionate person to live in a world without intimacy.
All of these things are reasons I would like to have a man in my life but even without any of these things I am still happy.
I know that having a man in my life will not make me happy.............anyone who knows me knows that I am happy already.........a man in my life will only enrich the life I already have.
My idea of a perfect relationship is one where you live close to each other but not together. I think adjoining houses with a connecting door that you can lock would be great.
Saturday, 7 November 2009
I decided a while ago that I was going to try to avoid blogging about my love life (or lack of) as writing about it seems to have an adverse effect. That leaves my family, I think I have blogged so much about DC & OJ going off to Uni and ET 's attempt to join the RAF there is little else to write and they deserve a break as do my readers.
Having just said I was trying to avoid it, I am now going to write about my love life. It could be that every man who ever comes near me, reads my blog and as soon as they are mentioned they cut loose. Now I know this is not the case, besides, very few people read my blog these days. I have even been keeping quiet on Face book. But last week I posted on Face book that I have been invited to the England v Australia Rugby International at Twickenham. (I should be on my way there now). Surely the curse wouldn't be activated by such a simple thing as saying I had been invited. I didn't say who had invited me. But obviously the curse even reaches my face book.
Perhaps you would like a little back ground information here. Why am I suddenly blogging about going to Twickenham when clearly I am not. Who was I going to be going with. What is all this nonsense about a curse. Or perhaps you are just wondering if I have finally lost all my marbles (it has been on the cards for 40+ years).
Why the curse?
Back in the early part of the summer out of the blue I saw Oxo again after 2 years. He told me that he had thought we had a good thing going before, when I went off and left him. (I wanted a proper relationship, he didn't). He agreed to try having a relationship even though he feels he isn't good at relationships. A couple of days later I mentioned him to PB (friend/neighbour/colleague) that I was seeing him again. It must have been less than 30 mins later that I received a text from Oxo saying that he was sorry but he would not be in touch again. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but as shocked as I was, I wasn't upset just bewildered.
Then, there was a new guy in my life fairly quickly after that (I have forgotten what I called him). He tells me that he is a trained councellor, he works with people who are terminally ill. He scolded me about my humour, I thought he was eccentric, but to cut a long story short, after weeks of emails we had a long chat on the phone which resulted in us agreeing to meet for a drink. That mid week drink led to an afternoon/evening the following sunday talking, holding hands and dare I say it, kissing. A few days later an another evening together and promises to go to a party together after my imminent holiday. Before we had met he had got me to open up to him about various issues. The flood gates had opened and I ended up telling him so much more than most people ever know about me. (he said he was honoured that I had told him). I mentioned this promising new man on my blog.
When I returned from my family holiday he didn't go to the party, or answer any of my emails or text messages. Eventually he confessed that he nolonger wanted to see me. He said I had told him too much plus he feels that I have more than my share of health issues!!! He couldn't cope with me being a diabetic, cancer survivor, but the last straw was my headaches (I get fewer now than in previous years). Ok his loss, I was not upset about losing him so soon but it was the way he went about it that got my goat.
But moving on within a week I met Spark, he had not been intended to be a love interest, he was a customer from work. We met for lunch which went too well, he asked to see me again the next evening. After many comments from a colleague at work about the big grin on my face I mentioned to her that I had seen one of our customers. Next day he told me that he didn't want to mess me about, he has a girlfriend and although it may not last he felt guilty about me.
I decided to give dating a break when I got a message out of the blue from a new man from a dating site that I don't set much store by, but have had a profile on for years. The message was different to most.......it was neither a 'hi fancy a chat' or a 'lets have some fun'. Neither of which instill me with much confidence. But this man got my interest, I have to be honest and say that just looking at his photo (which I quite possibly had done several times) I would not have looked any further. I replied by chatting about something on his profile. Soon the messages going back and forth became emails, phone numbers were exchanged (but not used.....that first conversation on the phone is difficult when you both have children who seem to congregate when you want a private conversation). Our emails became a daily ritual. We agreed to meet for a meal 3 weeks down the line. But then we both realised that it would be halloween weekend and he needed to see what his children were doing. (they are younger than mine).The day of our meal was fast approaching and no decision made whether our date would be this coming weekend or the following one (today).
On Friday morning he emailed me. He has tickets for England v Australia @ Twickenham (today) would I like to go with him and have a meal after. Now this is when I wrote my question on Face Book saying that I had been invited should I accept. Of course I did want to go but I had one small reservation in that it would be a very long day to be with someone I had never met, if it turned out that we didn't get on. (thats me trying to be sensible for a change). Before I left work I rushed off a quick reply (I would be out all evening) saying that it sounds good but mentioned my reservation about us not having met. Also would this be as well or instead of our meal the next day. Saturday came and went so did Sunday......nothing. I wrote to him saying that it would have been nice to be told that Saturday was definitely off as I could then ahve made other plans for my evening. It wasn't a nasty email, if anything it was apologetic in case I had missed something and he had already told me. But I have had enough of being treated badly so I was standing up for myself, expressing my right to be treated with respect. Monday and Tuesday came and went, still no word. By wednesday evening I was getting jittery about today. I sent a brief email saying he is obviously busy but could he please tell me what the plan was for today.It is now Saturday lunch time the match is about to begin and I am still at home not having had a single word from him since he issued the invitation 8 days ago. Now I wonder if it is the curse of having mentioned his invitation even though I didn't mention him. Or is it that he is a jerk just like all the other men who have come and gone in my life. Perhaps he is one of the many 'time wasters' who lurk on dating sites, they like to email and chat but never actually meet. (He wouldn't be the first to make arrangements to meet me but then vanish when the day arrives). During a chat conversation last night I was asked if he is now History. As much as I know you want me to say yes, I can't.
You see I have done a fair bit of thinking about this. On the face of it, he is just another one who has messed me about and for whatever reason, having reached this far has decided to just cut me off. There is always of course the simple explanation that he has not been near his computer or there is something wrong with it. But I have dismissed that idea for two reasons, he could phone me if that was the case. Plus his business is internet based so he would need his computer for his work......he wouldn't therefore go a whole week without it. So it is obvious isn't it, he has messed me about and now he doesn't want to know.
But maybe it isn't as simple as that, maybe he has a perfectly good explanantion and I will find out what that is when he eventualy gets in touch again. Maybe he is ill, (Swine flu is still rife). I don't know what the explanation is, but I think that if I am patient I will soon find out. You see from what he has told me about himself and his family I don't think he would just stop speaking to me, especially when his last email was to invite me out. Perhaps my email asking for a little respect upset him, I don't think so. It certainly wasn't a spitting my dummy out, type of email and even if it had been, I don't think it would have scared him. From what he has hinted at he has led quite a dare devil life in the past. A few words from me are not going to have him quaking in his boots. Besides I rather think that if he hadn't liked what I had said, he would have told me that, not just gone silent. Unless everything he has told me about himself is a complete and utter lie then I don't think he is the kind of person who would do any of this intentionally. It seem so out of character to me. But then again we all know that I am the queen of gullible.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Did I mention that I had my hair cut two weeks ago and after wearing it in a bob for a few years then letting it grow quite long I have gone back to wearing it short. Very few people (family aside) who I see frequently these days have seen me with short hair before. Somewhere further down my sidebar there is a photo of the new me taken by LV the day after it was cut. (we had been out for lunch in the New Forest). Apparently the new style makes me look younger. One of my friends from my pre marriage life commented on my new picture on face book that I look no different than I did more than 2 years ago............well she can't see the grey hair and wrinkles in that small picture.
My relationship with Plumber has changed in recent months. When it started we agreed to having a casual relationship ........we were not committed to each other and could see others. All very well but he was very jealous if he thought I was seeing anyone else not that I ever talked about it. I knew he really likes me but wasn't prepared to give me any kind of commitment so I felt justified in seeing others without making a thing of it. He used to tell me that he had growing feelings for me.............but that was as far as it goes. Our friendship has grown and I know that I only have to ask and he will do anything for me (if he has time). I know he would be happy to continue to see me on a casual basis although not very often these days, but I ahve made it clear to him that I am nolonger happy with a casual relationship. For me it has to be a committed relationship so I am now looking for a long term relationship again not casual. (although I am not really looking very hard at the moment but just enjoying life as it is).
Life at the moment involves being more into family life. With the two older boys gone (although not for long enough for us to get used to it) the three of us who are left have been spending more time together actually sitting in our livingroom for hours at a time instead of all being in different rooms. This week ET suddenly got in the mood to tidy their bedroom (I had been saying that it was such a mess with clothes all over the floor that I wouldn't go in there). This led to more change. JA has moved into the box room (formerly DC's room). Tv, stereo, and other such things have been moved around and both boys are now quite happy to have a room of their own. With a dozen bin liners lined up in the livingroom full of rubbish/old clothes, this led to a trip to the amenity tip yesterday.
On Thursday evening ET was complaining that the light in his room isn't very bright. (with bunkbeds and a cabin bed in the one room it is a very dark room). He has the brightest (energy saving) light bulb I had, I figured that having an uplighter shade probably doesn't help. The light shade in JA' new room is all bent and scorched so I took the shade from ET's room and put it on JA's room. Now I need to get a new shade for ET , I found that the light fitting is so old that the part the bulb goes into is very brittle and burnt as I was screwing it back on bits were breaking off. After putting JA's shade up I discovered that I couldn't replace the bulb as the metal housing for the bayonet was broken on one side. OK no problem I would get new fittings for both at the weekend.
This is where it is useful to have a Plumber for a friend. Late on Friday night/early saturday morning he came online after a gig. We chatted and I mentioned the light fittings.............in a flash he offered to come over and do them for me and supply the fittings too. (sorry couldn't help myself). Hence he came to see me on a Saturday lunchtime. (he also had a long chat with ET about RAF and Forces life in general ............he was a weapons engineer in Army before becoming a PT instructor).
Finally Student Finance have got their act together. Having applied online for student grants back in April, sending off my documents in May, (receiving them back in July) now in October I received two 'Urgent' emails telling me that I need to send more documents, only they didn't say what. It took several phone calls to find out that they wanted my P60 for 2007/8 but I had sent my P60 for 2008/9. ................It is beyond me why they couldn't have said this on the comp slip that accompanied my documents when they were returned. Why did it take from May until October to tell me they needed a different P60 and even then only after several phone calls from me. DC posted the correct P60 on Monday 12th October on Friday 16th I had two letters addressed to the boys for them to sign and return so that the monay they are getting can be paid. I now have to post OJ's to him so he can sign it and post it again before the threatened postal strike on Thursday/friday. I saw DC for half an hour yesterday so he has done his. I only hope that next year it is all done much quicker.
Monday, 12 October 2009
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Forest is the reason that this blog has the address it does, I originally dedicated this blog to him. I adored him, I gave him my heart. But he didn't want it, I was very hurt, but I dusted myself off and got on with life. I vowed that I would never see him again, we did manage to pick up the pieces of our friendship. The subject of sex was avoided for a long time. Even when it did become a topic of discussion, it was only general, never sex between us. Then came the day when that changed, it was just talk, nothing more.
That was until about six months ago when we began discussing the possibilities of being friends with benefits. Sufficient time had elapsed for my broken heart to be mended, I was able to be dispassionate about it. We tried it once and it was good, very good. We both know how to give each other pleasure and this time I was able to stop my heart from being involved. I think that knowing there is no emotional involvement helped. I am a great believer that sex is better when love is involved, but in this case we like and care about each other and that seems to be enough to enable us to have great sex.
But he has gone and spoilt that. I have been getting random kisses from him by text. Over the weekend we chatted online (twice........very rare to hear from him at all at weekends). I told him about meeting Spark who reminded me how it feels to have butterflies. He told me about his date with a lady who gave him butterflies. Which is why I am suprised that he has been thinking about me. Why, if I had met someone new who gave me butterflies I would be thinking about them not my friend. When I said that I doubt he thinks about me very much he replied 'probably more than you realise'.
I really wish he hadn't said that, because now I keep thinking about him. I don't want to be thinking about him too often. I know that if this continues then the feelings I had for him 2 years ago will start to come back. It was humiliating enough before, it would be doubly humiliating to go there again. I do like him, we have some long conversations about all sorts of things including family things. I know he likes me as a friend (as a friend he sometimes has great sex with). But he doesn't want a relationship so I have to guard my heart from falling for him again. He knows that I won't stop being friends with him for any man but if I become involved with someone then I shall be faithful to him. Our friendship will go back to being non sexual. But at the moment he is filling my thoughts and I wish he wouldn't.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Yesterday was the day, he had booked his moving in slot 1.30 to 3.30pm. we set off at about 11.20am to give us plenty of time. Stopping off at asda near to where I work to pick up a couple of last minute items including some lunch and fill up with petrol. It was just when we were leaving there that OJ realised he had left his phone behind so we went back to get it. (If we had got any further I wouldn't have bothered).
The drive there was fairly uneventful after that.We collected the key and set off to find a place to park near to his residential halls. I didn't think much of it as I was driving up the narrow winding road parking in the warden's spot. No lift at these halls unlike where DC is, luckily it was only one flight of stairs to his room. We unpacked his things before moving my car back to the main car park. It was only when I went to move my car that the realisation hit me that I had to reverse all the way back down this narrow winding road with low walls on either side. Not only that but first I had to negotiate around the estate car that was now parked in the nearest spot to mine at an awkward angle (on a slope that was both vertical and horizontal.........not easy). It must have been painful for any men watching to see my slow progress. I had almost reached the end of the road when the vehicle parked on the side was one obstacle too much for me. I managed to find the only space to turn around using the good old 3 point turn that I have not used for many years.
Having parked in the main car park we walked to the nearby Tesco store which took us about 20 minutes (it will only take him 10 when I''m not with him). I expect my boy will be fine but I do worry about him more than DC. OJ has shared a room with his brothers all his life, now he is on his own, he has more space than ever before. He will find it very quiet (apart from the bell of the nearby cathederal). Today two of his friends from home were moving into nearby halls, so he won't be totally alone.
The view from OJ's new home
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Work has continued to be good, I am enjoying my work again just as I used to do.
Preparations for the exodus have been stepped up a gear. (Nagging increased too). DC was quite happy with his idea that he would just load everything into my car as it was, no boxes or bags required!!!!! I had brought some boxes home from work for him to use. I told him that my job was to ensure he had the essentials and be his driver on the day but packing was down to him.
Thursday evening I took him to visit my mum so that he could tell her a bit about his american trip before we went shopping. She presented him with a cheque to keep him going for the first few weeks (student finance is still pending). He insisted that our trip to Asda would be quick as he wanted to visit Charlie. We didn't leave there until 10.15pm and over £100 later with a trolley laden with "essentials" and even some food (cereal, pasta, long life milk etc). He didn't get to see Charlie that night.
On Friday I decided that as two of my boys are over the legal age to drink and I have never bought either of them a drink we would all go out for a drink when I finished work. We drove up onto the hill so that they could see the view over the city as they drank. Would you believe it .....everyone of them had Appletiser!! .....well that was a cheap round for mum. It was interesting though to hear DC and ET giving OJ advice about beer and alcho pop drinks. DC is concerned that OJ will be a wet rag during his Freshers week. Neither of us want him to sit alone in his room while the other students are out enjoying themselves. Later at home DC gave OJ a bottle of beer to try, he wasn't impressed with the taste but did a very good impression of a drunk leaning against the wall. I was struck by how accurate his impression was of how his dad used to be. I had completely forgotten what the staggering had been like. Obviously OJ hadn't forgotten, I was very shocked by this act.
DC and I had agreed that we would leave early on Saturday morning as he didn't have a specific time slot for moving in (unlike OJ), especially as Southampton FC which is just a stones throw from his Halls of residence, were playing at home. However he didn't appear until about 10am and still needed to pack my car. He thought we would need to make two trips but I managed to get it all in. The forecast had been for showers but it was hot and sunny (27 according to my car at one point and 24 for much of the time). Finally he was in his new home with his belongings and I left him at 1.45pm. (during the afternoon I got a series of texts telling me the things he had forgotten but wanted). So that is one son stepping out on his own to begin the next stage in his life. Next week we repeat the process with OJ.
Last weekend ET discovered a function on his mobile phone that allows him to turn his wallpaper into a pedometre. We both have Sony Ericsson phones so he has changed mine too. Each day we have had to compare how many steps each of us has taken during the day. (not so easy for me as most of my clothes are pocket less.) There have been many times I have left my phone on my desk/bed forgetting to carry it with me. Anyway I have made a concerted effort to make sure that each day I reach or exceed the final total of the previous day. Having a job that is desk based doesn't lend itself to a particularly active life. But my determination not to have a bad day has encouraged me to walk more than I would otherwise do (no bad thing). After yesterday with trips to and from my car, a tour of Halls, a trip into town centre with OJ to choose his first pair of glasses, followed by a wander round Asda kept my total for yesterday quite healthy. So today I was trying to figure out how I was going to keep up my record. It occurred to me that I could go for a walk somewhere, but where?
I decided to take the boys on a mystery tour, they wanted to watch the football on tv but came anyway. It was the first time I had been to Winchester Hill in daylight (each time Plumber has taken me there it has been dark). It had been overcast all day but I was convinced it would still be relatively warm. I hadn't banked on the drizzle we were greeted with. Even with the low grey cloud and drizzle we could still see a very long way into the distance towards Southampton. We walked to the iron age fort and back, a good hour plus which gave me not only a healthy total on my pedometre but also a healthy red glow too. I was shattered by the time we arrived back home to the aroma of casserole and baked potatoes almost ready.
During this coming week more steps will be taken by this family, both on our pedometres and as my boys move nearer to their future lives. This time next week OJ will be in his new home and ET will be about to set out on his next adventure.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Friday, 11 September 2009
He drinks, but not when hes driving, but he still likes a lot of beer.
He isn't available, he wasn't happy before we met but he is still with someone
So why is it that he is in my head so much, so quickly
Why is it that I never noticed that although I really liked some of the men I have been seeing in the last 9 months, they didn't make me feel butterflies when I thought about them. It is only now that he gives me butterflies that I realise they had been missing.
He writes poetry , has already made up a verse on the spot for me.
He opens doors and pulls out seats
He strokes my arm while I drive, but concerned that he might distract me.
He makes me feel so special
He has put a huge smile on my face.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Monday, 7 September 2009
Now all of a sudden it is almost time for him to go.
In 12 days DC moves into halls at Southampton (he will have been home from his trip for just one week). 7 days later OJ will be moving into halls at Guildford (he has booked his moving in slot 13.30 - 15.30)
This evening we have had a taste of what life will be like. DC is still away, OJ has gone out with friends and ET has been out since lunch time with his new g/f. All evening JA has been saying hello to me. He has gone to bed early because he is bored. He could have made the most of having the TV, PC and PS3 all to himself but it isn't the same without his brothers to argue over them with.
I can't believe it is already more than a week since we got back from our lovely holiday. Tonight I finished resizing my many photos.
Early morning on the deserted beach
swans at Potter Heigham where we eventually had a boat trip on the Broads.
I heard today that following another visit to see her consultant this morning it has been agreed that my mother will be having another operation on her knee..............I hope that after this one she will at last be able to walk again. The pain and inability to walk much have really aged my mother during the last few years. She is 66 going on 75.
Monday, 31 August 2009
We did a lot of driving around the broads (I did the driving everyone else just watched the ever changing scenery). We planned a trip on a paddle steamer from Hickling, had a scrumptious meal while we waited for our trip, then I got stung by a wasp on the underside of my arm (excruciating pain). In a way it was a good thing that at the last minute two coaches turned up and took all the places on the boat so we couldn't go. It would have meant a further 1.5 hrs before I could get to the anti histamin cream and tablets.
We drove passed the RAF Base ET would be going to for his training (only to find when we returned home that he is now going to a different base). A visit to the zoo involved hiring a wheelchair for me to push my mother around in (a glimps of the future perhaps). We finally managed to get a boat trip on Friday from Potter Heigham luckily it was a covered boat as we were hit by a storm during the ride. (We had been so lucky with the weather until then).
I thoroughly enjoyed everything (apart from the wasp sting) but what really made the holiday so good was just being totally relaxed and enjoying being with my sons (mother too but more especially my boys). It was really good to see them enjoying themselves and enjoying being together (not always on the computer/games console). I had many many cuddles with both ET and JA, not so much OJ (being nearly 19 hes far too grown up to have cuddles with his mummy).
It was very important to me that we had this holiday together. I very much doubt that it will ever happen again. Next year even if I have two of them I doubt I would have all three together again for a holiday. All our lives will have changed in the next 12 months. My one regret about this holiday is that DC was not with us but he has already branched out by going to USA with his friends. We have had sporadic contact with him as they progress from west to east coast (last we heard they were in Denver).
Now we are back home, back to realilty. There was a letter waiting for ET his pre joining course has been brought forward to 28th Sept. He has his train tickets, all he has to do is get a train to London Waterloo, find his way to London Liverpool Street then get a train to Bury St Edmunds. He has a choice of two trains to BSE one arrives at 18.32 the other at 20.50 (transport will collect him and others at 21.00) so he is faced with a choice, wait around for 2.5 hrs or get the later train with the risk his train could be late. Now I have no worries about him getting to or from London on his own it is the bit in the middle that is causing the crisis (mainly my mother in a panic). He has only ever been to London a couple of times and never alone. (mother is convinced he will be mugged). I now have a list of items he will need to have with him for these 4 days. I have just managed to get him some high leg black boots (no steel toe caps) with heel and ankle support from ebay. (hopefully he can get them broken in by the time he goes).
The month of September is looming up in front of me with all these changes and arrangements that need to be organised. I can see that come October I shall be exhausted. Between now and 4th (3rd really) I have to make sure JA has everything he needs for the new school year, I had asked their father to do this for him, he hasn't...........as usual it is left to me. JA already has the biggest feet in the family (I only hope he doesn't keep growing too much). DC who returns from his trip on 11th will no doubt sleep for a couple of days while I try to get him organised for his move into University Halls on 19th. Whilst all this is happening I am trying to organise OJ ready for his move into Halls on 26th follwed by ET's adventure on 28th. (working full time all this time).
I have always believed that I am not the kind of mother who wraps her children in cotton wool. I have always given my children freedom (within reason and safety). I believe that although I have never had any control over my children I have managed to instill good manners and morals into them. I am often praised for how well spoken and behaved bright young men they are. However during this time of preparation it has hit me that I have not done such a great job. During our holiday we encouraged them to cook and clean etc (not out of laziness but for their own preparation to look after themelves). They can all cook (meaning heat up) food. But they cannot do the simplest of tasks without contantly asking how/where/when. Perhaps it is a boy thing they don't seem to be able to work things out or read instructions they have to be told step by step what to do.
I have always seen my boys as bright capable lads, now I see boys who have been molly coddled by their mother for far too long. Where I tried not to nag them too much, they don't seem able to think for themselves. Now I am worried that I have created mummies boys who might not manage without their mother telling them what to do every step of the way. I am not saying that I always do everything for them (I definitely don't) but I have always been there telling them what to do. If not in person then on the phone.
I don't know all the answers I don't always know what they need to do especially now that they are entering worlds that I have never been a part of. The rest of this year is going to be hard for them and for me, while they settle into their new lives and JA and I are left at home wondering why it is so quiet, worrying about our boys. I know they will each manage (they won't have a choice in that). Having two boys leaving the nest within a week of each other will be hard on us. Then if ET gets through his course (I have every confidence he will) then it won't be long before he joins the RAF properly and he will be gone too.
I love all my boys without exception, I couldn't possibly choose a favourite as they are all so different (my favourite is usually the one I am with at the time). I would never want to have not had any of them but I am not sure if I would ever want to go through motherhood again. When we are young we are warned that parenthood is not easy, there are no hard and fast rules but you never really understand just how hard it is being a mother until you have been through all the stages of your child's growing up (and I have been lucky to have an easy time of all my son's teen years).
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Friday, 21 August 2009
A level result were out yesterday. But before the results were given to the students they were able to go online and find out whether they have got into the University of their choice. 6.50am OJ discovered that both his chosen Universities were offering him a place. So although I was waiting for it I still jumped when my phone buzzed to let me know I had a text.
Applied Maths A,
Further Maths A,
ICT B (A for his coursework though)
So all the hard work has paid off but now the harder work begins. He has accepted the place at University of Surrey (Guildford). With the results he got he will get an automatic scholarship of £4000 but not until March 2010.
Obviously his mother is extremely proud of her son.
I would have written this pot last night but I was out with Dylan. Sitting outside a bar overlooking a Marina close to the city. I had under estimated how cool it would be near the water so we moved inside the bar to a leather sofa for our second round of drinks. We chatted about all manner of things including this video which he hadn't expected me to know. Before we knew it the bar was empty of other customers (or at least the downstairs bar......there wa still noise emanating from the upper bar). It was 11.30pm already ........where does the time go?
We walked back to my car holding hands, a few kisses and cuddles before I drove away (no need to read between the lines, it was only a kiss and cuddle).
Monday, 17 August 2009
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Waiting for mum to cross the stepping stones
Friday, 7 August 2009
Sometimes it feels as though I must have been very wicked in a previous life to have such bad luck in this one.
On Tuesday I had a phone call at work to say that the internet at home wasn't working. Our connection was not even showing on the list of available networks. It had been getting steadily worse for sometime dropping in and out of connection. I had promised that I would call our internet provider on Thursday (I had booked the day off on Thursday). But now I had no choice.
When I got home from work I prepared the evening meal (corned beef hash) before making the call to talktalk. Following the instructions from the operative I reconnected to the internet. So that was another problem solved. Time to finish cooking the dinner, I put a tray of chips in the oven for ET.
Next thing I know ET is telling me we have got a power cut, but the lights were still on. I climbed into the cupboard under the stairs where the fuse box lives along with the gas and electricity meters. The trip switch was down and wouldn't stay up. I phoned LV for advice. We worked out that it was the cooker that had blown the circuit. By switching off the cooker at the wall I was able to switch the rest of the circuit back on. It was lucky that most of the dinner was already cooked. This was one of those moment when I wonder why me? Just how bad was I in a previous life.
On wednesday I was alright as I was going out for dinner with Plumber. I was wracking my brains trying to figure out what my boys could have for their dinner. We decided on some frozen meals that I usually oven cook but that can be done in the microwave. However it turns out that after I had gone out they decided to walk to the local chip shop, stopping on the way to buy a pizza to go with their chips. It wasn't until they returned home that they realised that they couldn't cook the pizza!
During our meal at a newly refurbished and reopened (after a year) pub beside a river in an area renown for its watercress beds, I explained to plumber what had happened with my cooker. I am hoping that it might be a simple inexpensive job that he can do for me, but then I am still waiting for him to fix my shower for me (2 months after he said he would). If I could afford it I would get someone else to do it for me.
The setting for our meal was lovely, the pub is very spacious but each area is very intimate and interesting. The food was delicious although the menu was very limited ie 4 starters and 4 main courses. I would say that this place is well worth a visit if you are in the area. It was the first time I had been there but I gather from friends that it was very popular years ago but it went downhill and had a bad reputation for several years. Hopefully now that it is under new management it will become popular again.
Thursday morning I was woken by a tremendous crash of thunder and heavy rain so that was the end of my hopes for a warm sunny day off. I had a headache all morning which tablets didn't touch. In the afternoon I went shopping for microwavable food then called round to see my mother. By then it was raining steadily with no sign of letting up, but at least my headache was easing. Mother was excited because she had something for me, a free gift that had arrived with some stationary she had ordered. She opened the parcel and handed me a flat oblong box. Inside this box was stainless steel precision scales, (I had been talking about getting some digital scales) but these are not designed for the purpose I had in mind. There were more for weighing letters and parcels than people. Only my mother could have made such a mistake bless her.
I ended my day off by driving 34 miles to visit Forest. As always we had a very relaxing time kissing, making love and chatting. We discussed the problems I am having with my cooker and my shower. He suggested that I should switch the cooker on at the wall while the cooker is completely turned off, then one at a time turn each part on to see which parts of the cooker if any worked without tripping the fuse again. He also suggested that the solution to my problems with my shower could be a magnetic descaler on the in pipe. I now know that my oven and one hot plate still work. But since then the microwave has begun sparking and flashing so I wont let anyone use that! Luckily I was chatting to a friend about this and he has very kindly bought me a new microwave oven. It is things like that which remind me I am lucky to have such lovely friends.