And Now its New Year already

Its New Years Eve again ................how did I get here so soon?
I have been off work for a whole week......a whole week I can't believe it. All those plans I had for writing and walking, going into the office for a few hours to get work prepared for the new year. where has the time for all that gone?

Boxing Day I had a few hours of solitude while the offspring were with their other parent. Ideal time to write. I cleared the kitchen did some laundry tried to get some inspiration, resorted to reading my new book of humourous quotes. Nothing! I was just getting my second mince pie of the season when the phone rang......can you pick us up now please.

The rest of the week has been no better. If I wasn't giving ET a lift into work or shopping (yes I have visited asda and sainsburys) I was paying money into the bank (not only mine). Oh I did get myself some new shoes in the M & S sales. Surely you didn't think I would get through the week without some new shoes ..............purple ones to go with all my purple tops. I do like to be colour co-ordinated didn't you know. I have visited my mother several times and done a few errands for her. Including taking her to hospital for her pre op blood test.

Mother did tell me yesterday as I drove her home in her car........you are a good girl doing all this for me. ha ha I do try to be good when I can (I'm not naughty all the time).....I have accepted that I have reached that time in my life when I am still running around after my children but now also my parent (I only have one left). Nobody needs to know of the not so good thoughts I sometimes harbour.

I was just chatting to Forest comparing notes about conversations we have needed to have with our respective eldest child during the festive season. I told him that these are the times I hate being a parent. His reply ..........'these are the times they need us to be parents'. You see this is why I adore Forest not just for his body but he is also great to talk to. Even if he has got wharped ideas at times. Earlier I received a missed call (it rang once) from a very strange number obviously not a British phone number so I googled it. To my suprise I got a result..........a female filipino looking for hotel work. Forest predictably suggested hiring her to earn money for me.

It hasn't all been running around after others I did go out for lunch with Plumber on Tuesday. It was nice to spend a few hours together with no pressure of time or anything else just talking eating and drinking. I amost forgot that I had promised to collect ET from work at 5.30 it was 5.20 when I realised and we were sitting in Plumbers car chatting up on Winchester Hill in the growing dark. We quickly drove off to fetch ET (he only had to wait 10 mins or so). A quick kiss before I ran indoors. I had forgotten what it is like to kiss him. We have agreed not to wait so long before we go out again.

I won't pretend any of us received or gave many presents this year but Christmas day was good and we all appreciated what we did get, but I do want to share one gift with you. It is probably the loveliest gift I have ever been given.



Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminded that I have some wonderful and generous friends too. Which has led me to realise what my New Year resolution must be.

My New Year Resolution is to accept help when it is offered. I did think another resolution might be to actually ask for help but on considering that I realised that to expect that might be asking a little too much.

Here is my favourite photo from Christmas Day. After my mother's first visit to my house in a long time (she can't manage the stairs very easily and our bathroom is upstairs) I took her home we both forgot her basket but our cat Nipper decided to adopt it.

wooohooo

The sun is shining and I feel good

I had a lovely evening last night with a friend (ok he did spoil it a bit at the end by telling me he he really wants me always has). He knows I will only ever be his friend, someone he can talk to. He is one of these people who everyone else turns to with their problems, I am the one he can turn to ocassionally when there is nobody else.

I am in a good mood, things with the butterfly man have been put to rest. We can be friends, we both know there is a spark there but it isn't going to be lit. Instead we will work together to do more business, it makes more sense, the more business he gives me the better prices I can give him, both businesses benefit.

DC arrived home from his travels yesterday. He has lots of tales to tell, he says his trip was amazing. After being away for 28 days we will just about get used to him being back when he will be gone again. I can't believe that this time next week I will be taking him to Uni.

All this is good but the icing on the cake has to be the letter I just got from my MP. He enclosed a letter from Rt Hon Stephen Timm MP.

"In this case HMRC failed their responsibilities and LIR has at all times provided the correct information regarding her income and circumstances. She therefore met her responsibilities and I am pleased to say that HMRC have reviewed this case and have written off the overpayments. all her acounts are now balanced with no overpayments. .................They have therefore now repaid the incorrectly recovered amount of ****** . HMRC confirm that no further recoveries are being made from LIR's award."

They have also apologised for sending me both incorrect and confusing information and apologise for any worry and distress their mistakes have caused.

I am so glad that they had made me so angry that I wrote to my MP about this. If I had just accepted that I owed them money and must pay it back, I would still be paying them a lot of money I can't afford to lose. .............................Go me ..................I got something right for once in my life

When is a joke not a joke

I would like to let my friends know that I appreciate their concern really I do.

But my last post was meant to be a light hearted one following the previous few that had been full of agony and feeling old. Obviously my attempt to be light hearted and make a few tongue in cheek jokes ie about checking my phone have back fired. I promise I wont do it again!

I appreciate that the written word doesn't always allow the reader to see that the writer is not being serious in everything they write but I did think my friends would recognise my sense of humour. I know my sense of humour passes some people by but then I guess I am sometimes deaf to the humour of others.

So I guess that sometimes a joke is not a joke to those who read it.

My motto for a long time has been ...............A day without laughter is a day wasted.

From Jeans to Macaronni

On friday I nipped into Asda on my way home from work as I needed to get some food in for my tribe of gannets whilst I was away. Whilst there I decided to buy myself a pair of new jeans for travelling in. Now for me buying jeans is not all that easy. For a start I am not your average size 12/14 or even 16. Thankfully I am no longer the size I was a few years ago, but neither am I the svelte 14/16 I was 2 years ago sob sob. So I am very limited to what I can find that is in my waist size. But to make matters worse I am only 5'0" so I can't wear the standard length jeans so I certainly can't wear the long ones. So many times I have looked through the racks and come across standard and or long but not short. But on Friday night I bought two pairs labelled 'short'.

Saturday I wore pair one (dark blue) short!! they were still dragging on the ground as I walked (even in my trainers) Today I wore the light blue bootleg cut pair........still too long, still dragging on the ground......what height do they think "short" is? Oh and to make it even worse my new jeans are so loose they keep slipping down................oooops perhaps that means I am loosing some weight big big smiles.

We had a lovely evening, lovely people, most of who I have met before, obviously as hostess there was the Fabulous Firebyrd, Quintessential Queen Vixen, Talented Trousers, Marvelous Mei Del and a new face for me Wonderful Wake up and smell the Coffee. Some of us took part in a joint experiment. The bubbles flowed (from bottle to glass to lips) very easily. The home made curry was delicious and I even ate some of the rice (I have not eaten rice for many many years so I am proud of myself for that).

On the way home I had a brief stop in London where I was treated to a kiss from a handsome Frenchman...............no don't get excited it was only a polite greeting from Mei's handsome partner.

On arriving home I was pleased to discover it is still in one piece (still untidy but at least I know I am in the right house). But I did start to wonder when my little boy you know the one that turned 13 less than a week ago, decided to cook macaronni cheese (from scratch for himself OJ and ET for dinner). Can you believe it he turns 13 and starts cooking.

meeting up with such lovely people is well worth 10 hours of travelling in two days.

More on bits n bobs

Financial Boost

I had suspected that it might be on the cards but I wasn't banking on it. As I was leaving work a few days ago my boss caught me to say that I shall be getting a bonus with my November pay next week. I have to keep quiet about it though as neither of my colleagues will be getting the bonus (you have to be working there for a year to qualify). So now I know that I can pay off my water bill and buy a few things for my family at christmas. I am not going to go mad as I think my income is about to drop.

College Appointment

Today I had an appointment with ET at his college. The appointment was with a lady in the careers department. She tried to find out just what it was that made ET decide he doesn't want to carry on at the college. We now know that what he wants to do is get some training in web design which he now thinks he would like to study at another college nearer to home next september. In the mean time he needs to find a job or some kind of training. He has now signed the leavers form so has officially left college. This means that I will lose 1/3 of the tax credits I currently receive.

Cat Mess

We have had a stinky problem recently. Our cat who is now 11.5 has never really used a litter tray, it is quite something to see her crouched over a storm drain doing her business. Suddenly she began pooping in the corner of the livingroom behind the sofa where the old desk top computer lives. I don't know why she was doing this it seemed to be about once a day. It is times like this that show just what a bunch of wimps I have. Not one of them will entertain clearing up the mess, they prefer to put up with the stench until I clear it up. I was starting to worry that there might be something wrong with her but she does now seem to have stopped. She doesn't seem to have done it since last weekend.

Dating Site

As I mentioned a few days ago I have registered on a dating site. I am not seriously looking but having said that I have exchanged emails with a couple of men, one in particular.

Interests: music, walking, eating out
53 year old guy, kind, caring and romantic, looking for a caring, honest lady for a relationship. Fed up with being on my own. Time for something special in my life

we have exchanged at least one email each day this week.

There is another man slightly younger and just down the road in the city but I get the impression that he is a player or at least thinks he is a ladies man. very good looking for 50 but I don't think hes my type. But as I am not really looking for someone to meet that doesn't really matter. It's interesting to see who is out there locally though.

Friends

Over the last few weeks I have seen just how very important our friends are to us. I have been there for some of my friends when they have been in a bad place, but they have also been there for me when I ahve been in a bad place.

Hurrah for good friends even those who we have never met.

Sunset

We have been getting a bit excited in the late afternoons in our office. In the last few days there have been some really impressive sunsets. So much so that the office digital camera was brought into action on wednesday afternoon. Thursday's sunset was even better. I have managed to get a couple of pictures on my mobile phone but can't seem to be able to transfer photos to my computer from my phone. Today BG who finishes work at 2.30 every day was staying until 4.30 so would still be there when the sun set. But it wasn't so good today, joking I said that it was because she was there. But blow me down with a feather no sooner had she left to go home than the sun set suddenly changed from mediocre to brilliant.

These two views were take from our office window on wednesday. The sunsets on thursday and Friday were even better though.

A good day

Something happened today, something that doesn't happen everyday, something I didn't expect.

Last night I was very tired, I didn't write a post, I didn't do any other writing either, nor did I do any of my spreadsheets. I didn't check my bank account online as I had planned.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I checked my account to see if my bills had gone out on schedule. I was surprised to see that my bank balance was in the black. I was in the red a couple of days ago. I knew I should still have a bit of a margin before I reach the limit of my overdraft but not an awful lot. I checked the statement and discovered that there was a credit from the Child Tax Credit. When I got to work I phoned them to check that it was genuine. I didn't want to spend the money only to discover that it wasn't mine to spend.

I spoke to a very helpful young man who told me that the lump sum I had received was money that they owe me for under payments back dated to April. Tomorrow I get my usual payment only from now on my payments are going to be £53 per week more than they have been for the last 6 months.

Now what a great start to the day that was. Even if I do think about the fact that I have been £200 a month short, it has been a struggle but the lump sum now, will have a greater impact on my situation than £50 pw would have done. Particularly as I am on summer leave next week it means that I can at least take my boys out for one day next week, plus I can afford to get my hair cut again. I don't need to worry about finding money for fuel to get to London next weekend where I shall meet Mei before the two of us set off north to visit Bollinger Byrd and others.

Heart to heart

Some of you will be aware that for the most part of 2008 so far, I have been having an internal struggle. I have been waiting for Romeo to become my reality not just the voice on a phone or words on my screen whether it be my computer or my mobile phone. During all this time I have vowed to be celibate. But during this time Lotto has been trying to tempt me into meeting him for sex. Ever since we first met almost 18 months ago he has made it clear that he really likes me but doesn't want a relationship.



I find Lotto very sexy, his compliments and outright flattery have served me well during the time I have been waiting for Romeo. But the time came when he wanted to meet in a hotel room. The problem is that now that I have found Romeo I don't want to play around with anyone else. Romeo is the only man for me until or unless we break up. But Lotto is so tempting, I have managed to keep away from him but we have had lots of steamy conversations online and by text even phone sex once. But I always feel guilty. when we chat I always go through the will she won't she game. I feel bad for letting Lotto think that I might give in and meet him. I am not purposely leading him on because when we chat I do want to meet him. Its when we are not chatting that reason prevails.



A few weeks ago we were chatting when he got in a strop and said he wasn't going to bother any more. We had not spoken again since. I had been feeling bad about this because I want to explain to him that I wasn't messing him around I genuinely was struggling with meeting him or not. Its as though half of me was saying no, think about Romeo and the other half was saying yes meet him you know you want to. I resisted the temptation to email or text him. Obviously now that I have met Romeo I am even more determined to behave myself. Yesterday I saw Lotto was online, I half expected him to say something but he didn't. Late I left him an offline message just saying



I hope you are ok



I really should have just stayed silent. Tonight he was online again and we ended up chatting. He was telling me how much he fancies me still. Without meaning to I have found myself agreeing to be online tomorrow evening to exchange emails, photos and have phone sex. I didn't tell him about romeo so he still thinks that I have never met him. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I am going to remain loyal to Romeo.



I think I will have to email him to explain.



Last night I was chatting online with Forest who told me that he has sore elbows. I made a joke about him letting her go on top sometimes. This seems to have been a turning point in our friendship. Tonight we chatted again, we talked for the first time about our sexual relationship. I think now that I have Romeo it is possible for me to talk about me and Forest without it hurting. Apparently he has one regret and that is that he never managed to have anal sex with me. But really although it spanned 4 or 5 months we only actually had sex 3 times including my special friday.


i was thinking about you the other week, and in all the good times we had


what was the best for you



and all the exploration of you

and excitement

and give you tlc when you had been a naughty girl that once

ok


considering what an exciting lady you were to be with that would of been just as exciting and pleasurable i am sure

we talked about him calling me exciting as I have never thought of myself in that way.

i would have said I was more excitable than exciting


you are that but you are willing to take as well as give willing to let it happen and make it happen and willing to try that is exciting

we talked some more about the sex we had/hadn't had and the fact that I can now talk about it. We also talked about it being good that we managed to stay friends.

probaly cos we talked so much before hand to loose friendships like that


I missed that friendship after we met, sex got in the way


well time for bed for me take care of you little miss exciting

These were just a few excerpts from our conversation but it was the closest we have come to a real heart to heart for a long time. Before we met I used to tell forest everything he was the person I told all my adventures to he was the one I told of all my frustrations. He lifted me when I was feeling low, he calmed me when I was being excitable, he was my confidante, then we met and it all just fell apart as I got swept away on my emotions for this sexy man. As I said to him during this heart to heart, I don't regret the sex we had, but I do regret that our friendship suffered because of the sex. But now we are back to being friends without the sex and I feel much happier.

Birthday season

I am staring at 46 in under a week and as so many of my blogging friends are also Aries I thought I would wish all my friends a very happy birthday. It has amazed me how many of my blog friends were born under the star sign of Aries. So many strong women, I guess its true that like attracts like. some of these bloggers have already had their birthdays and others are just around the corner. but off the top of my head I can think of a fair few, all strong people in their own way.

Chopper who is just setting out on his battle to over come his recurring back problems he has a most warped and enduring sense of humour.

Evening has been battling breast cancer and come through the other side, but always has the time and energy to be supportive to her many friends worldwide.

Laney has been though a tough time in recent years, I have only begun to read her blog in recent months but it is evident that she is a very kind and supportive friend to all around her. What she did for Rhonda was amazing. I am sorry I didn't get to see the video she made for Evening's birthday.

Cake is an amazing writer, she too has been through heartache and I know from reading her blog this morning that this birthday will be a very emotional one for her. Cake I don't have word to offer you but lots of hugs. my only words are that I feel your pain I went through a similar thing 21 years ago and it was that one time that it was so painful after that it has been a case of not forgotten but the pain has subsided.

Pixie is an amazin woman with whom I ahve become close, I ahve nominated her my honarary sister which she was pleased to accept. Like cake, Pixie writes a lot that I can associate with but never think of writing until I see that she has put my thoughts in writing.

Trousers I am afraid that I only dip into his blog occasionally but he is a dear and has also been struggling with what life brings him. It was so lovely to see the positive energy coming from his recent posts. Oh I am sorry if I let the cat out the bag that its your birthday in a few days.

there are other bloggers who I could include like La fille who unfortunately closed her blog last year. If I have missed anyone please let me know and be sure that I wish you a great birthday too.

For those of my friends who have birthdays at other times of the year, you are all lovely but we can't all be blessed with the good fortune to be Aries. Oh and if you didn't know those of us who are Aries just remember that we are the babies of the zodiac so cannot be expected to grow up.

its good

This week is continuing to be good

I had intended to write about whats going on but I ahve been so tired tonight that it is now too late so I shall have to fill you in tomorrow.

In the meantime just know that life is good even if it is tiring

Pixie I am thinking about you and keeping my fingers crossed

Vi I am glad things are going well for you the same for Emma

Cat I hope things improve for you soon

Innocent I am glad you have cheered up

everyone else I just hope life is treating you well right now and I shall get round to commenting on your blogs again soon if I havent already.

love to you all

oh and Pete hope you start feeling better soon xx

Too late

its too late now to blog my sunday but I will try to catch up on monday

there was not much exciting

started with a blocked toilet

later moving time

ending with some cam fun with Sammy

candle wax

thursday

thursday so far has been a better day.

work was fine although I got accused of trying to look intelligent as I was wearing my reading glasses. I don't often wear them, I have had them for a year and not yet got used to them. They are fine for looking at the screen but where I have to keep looking down at the orders I am reading, then at the screen( I am not a touch typist) it isn't much better than not wearing them. then I have to remember to take them off to walk about otherwise I would land in the warehouse rather than walking down the stairs. I was wearing them today as I had woken up with a niggly headache. Not unusual when I have had a disagreement with anyone. as the day went by the headache began to ease.

When I got home I found several messages from Neptune. Vi I can now tell you that the song he chose was 'Little sister' by Elvis ......... I really should have known it would be an Elvis song as he told me weeks ago that he is a fan of Elvis. He has also said that he would like to meet and thinks it would be fun. He can't meet this weekend but has suggested the Town/city where we could meet. so this has cheered me up. I was afraid that maybe I had been putting up too many barriers and he was just being polite. I said to Forest the other day that I was afraid I would not be good enough. Forest wisely suggested that I should let Neptune decide for himself whether I was good enough, I shouldn't make that decision for him.

No matter what has occurred in recent weeks, I still regard Forest as a friend. We are now able to talk without treading on eggshells. I do believe that friends, good friends should be able to be honest with each other. But this does not mean trampling on a friend's feelings with size 12 hob nailed boots. I think forest and I can remain friends I do enjoy chatting with him but I think we need to agree not to discuss what did/did not happen between us. We agreed the other day that sex had got in the way of our friendship. Unfortunately the conversation got around to dodgy ground and for me the wounds of last month were re opened and the knife twisted. I really don't think forest meant to hurt me with what he was saying. I just think that he didn't think about the implications of what he said. when I said goodbye on wednesday morning I signed off with a kiss ( nothing unusual in that). I wanted to rise above the hurt and pretend everything was alright. but during the following hours my mind kept going back to how those words made me feel.
It wasn't the words themselves it was what I percieved them to mean and how that affects any future relationship I may want. As I said on my wednesday post I go from one extreme to the other. Anyone who is a regular reader will know that throughout the late spring and summer I adored Forest and would not hear anything against him. I wore my heart on my sleeve. My reaction to finding out that my feelings had been so badly misplaced is to build barriers and show that I am not too eager and I wont be wearing my heart on my sleeve again too soon. I know this is something I have done in the past and am trying to overcome. This I think is at the route of why I felt the way I did about the conversation I had on wednesday morning. I felt that it had put me back in turmoil not knowing where I go from here. should I carry on being honest about my feelings, should I let my head be ruled by my heart and keep getting hurt, trampled on and mistreated. Or should I shield my heart, put up barriers and keep any prospective future partners at arms length and run the risk of never meeting anyone because I appear to be too cold, too distant.
I try to be honest at all times and I hope that shows in my blog. I am sure that forest can think back over the past year and know that anything I say about my feelings are an honest reflection of how I am feeling. He has been there for me through a lot of ups and downs over the past year. But I also believe that in being honest I always try not to say anything that will hurt anyone else. I am sorry that forest feels aggrieved by what I wrote this morning. I still say that I was hurt but I am sorry that in my expressing my hurt this has upset someone who I care about.

Now this evening I have been out. It is that time of year again. It is time to do the round of ............college open evenings. Having gone through this last autumn with OJ it is now the turn of ET to decide what he wants to do next year and where. He has an idea that he would like to go into music technology and computing. I may be wrong but I get the idea his aim is to get into music production. where DC loves to make music ET wants to be on the technical team producing it. One thing about these rounds of college open evenings .........they bring it home that the boys are growing up and this time next year I shall have three sons who have left school!!!! how can I possibly be old enough ???

My baby JA has been on an adventure day today. rock climbing, low ropes, tunnelling, he has had a good but tiring day. he slept for a couple of hours when he got home. Now that means he doesnt want to go to bed. he has been telling me that he is being bullied at school. this would be alarming but it turns out that what he means is he goes upto ET and friends annoying them. they are the ones he says are bullying him but I gather from his cheeky grin that this is just playful.


PS
It might seem that I recover very quickly from deep hurt. This is because I talk/write it out of my system. In the distant past I buried my feelings and told no one how I felt. Doing this made me ill and put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I get it off my chest and move on instead of letting it fester. That is why blogging is such a good thing for me.

sad and lonely

I am feeling a little sad and lonely
I know we all come into each of our lives for a reason
This is something I have believed in for some time now
Perhaps for these people the reason is no longer
I have some friends, fellow bloggers who I had been in very regular contact
Suddenly the contact has stopped
Both of them I have been there for them during their times of need
Both of them have moved on
I am not required any more to get them over the crisis
I am glad they are fine now
I am sad that they cannot
Check to see if I am ok
One sent me a text out of the blue
Saying he was being a renegade
The other had said he missed my good morning how are you texts when he was away
So why now when I have sent none has he not wondered why
So it seems I have out lasted my usefulness

tomorrow

Forest I don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us.

While you have been away my life has been carrying on, nothing stays still for long. I had hoped that once you got back from your vacation it would be just a few days until my temporary contract ended so maybe we could get back to the easy friendship we used to have. I was hoping we could chat on msn again the way we used to do. We might even manage to spend some time together. but while you were away I was offered an extention to my contract until xmas. I would be stupid to turn it down so I accepted. this means my situation is slightly better for me and the boys. But it does mean that I wont be able to chat to you on msn while you work, as we did before. you won't be able to visit me at my home while the boys are at school/college unless I have a pre booked day off from work which is not out of the question. I don't know where we will be tomorrow or tomorrow's tomorrow. I am not looking for a fully committed relationship just more than we have had. I don't want to spend too many tomorrows wondering when or if I will see you. I am not asking for much although sometimes it might seem that I am. The biggest commitment I ask for is communication. The key to every kind of relationship (even friendship) is communication, which is something we seem to be having trouble with, which is sad as we used to be good at it.