catch up

Its been a while so here's a few things to catch up

My baby boy JA (he's now about 6" taller than me) has just two years left at school, when he goes back in September the hard work gets harder as he begins preparing for his GCSE's in 2012. At the start of the month he had a 5 day sailing course which much to my relief he loved.

ET how is it possible he is officially a man now at 18 but he will always be my timid little boy scared of everything. He is working part time at M & S for the summer then in September he is going back to college (I hope he sticks it out for longer than a term this time).

OJ is quite the independent young man at 19 son to be 20 he is doing well at Uni and is currently in Thailand with some of his Uni friends for 5 weeks. When he gets back here he will be moving into a house that he will be sharing with the same friends he is with now.

DC I don't see or hear much from him these days he is busy living his own life. He has also finished his first year at Ui and has already moved into a house with friends. He is also working through the summer (at last).

Mum is slowly recovering from her last knee op, she can now walk short distances without her stick, but she does suffer when she has done too much walking about. She drives short distances ie around out town and maybe to the adjoining town. But no further, her driving worries me and I always insist on driving whenever we go anywhere together. Last weekend I took her for an overnight visit to my grandmother in the Cotswolds.

Grandmother is now 91 and thankfully stopped driving last year. She still lives alone and seems to manage but her memory is not great. She talks a lot about her father and her sister. But also her little boy and her daughter. She asked me if I ever met her little boy (he was my dad). She cried when we were leaving ..........she doesn't think she will see me again.

SF is not my favourite person right now. In the last 3 months he has paid me only £50 towards the upkeep of our children. He is meant to give me £100 per month so he is £250 short. He says he has no money and anyway I earn more than him and have a laptop and run a car. I was thinking about going back to the CSA to get money from him when I received a letter from them advising of a new calculation of what he should be paying. I have called them asking that they collect the money from him. It would mean that he can't miss payments plus I would get more, not a lot but it all helps.

Sailor He is getting used to living on his own, spends a lot of time with his daughters and grandson. We see each other when we can, last weekend we went out sailing (with Plumber) it was the first time I had been out on the open sea.

Plumber........what can I say except that he loves me, he wishes I was his wife.

My garden is about to get a make over, very soon, a gardener is going to dig up just over half of my garden and paving it for me. A week later a contractor from my housing association are finally replacing my fence. (It has only taken since November).

Perseverance

We have now been divorced for a little over 4 years yet several times a year and yesterday was one of those times he asks the question

Is there any chance we can try again?

No

Still alive

Ok so I have not blogged for a while.

There have been a few times when I have thought...............I could blog about that. But by the time I get a chance the inspiration has gone.

There hasn't been much to blog about really. My work has been busy, Since March I have been attempting to keep up with as much work as I can which has seen me working through my lunch break a few times just to keep the pressure down a bit. The reason is that where a year ago there were three of us working together (in theory). Then since september it was reduced to two of us, since March my colleague has been covering another important post within the company (one which is vital to the running of the company). So for the last few months I have been trying to cope mostly on my own. (Business has also picked up a bit too). This has meant that I have been coming home exhausted. However things should be getting back to normal in the next few months with two new staff joining the office very soon.

I suppose I should update you on what happened after my last post.

SF arrived at my home with his friend and colleague from before he lost his licence 4 years ago. I chatted to GG for a few minutes as I hadn't seen him for a few years. SF is very lucky to have such a good friend who will turn out for him in times of need. (hmmm idea just sprung to mind GG now on his own since both kids have left home.........hmm perhaps should suggest this).

I offered SF a cuppa but he was ok he had his beer (a case of it) during the evening I chatted to him with our boys. He has been smoking since I filed for divorce, but agreed to smoke outside as this has always been a smoke free zone. It was fine while I was sat downstairs with SF and ET. I reiterated that it would only be one night.

It was after I went to bed that it got worse for me. ET had also gone to bed shortly after me, I heard the stairs and landing creaking, I heard SF's voice outside my door, he was speaking to JA & ET. I lay awake until gone 2am listening to every noise worrying that my door would open. The memories of those 7 months of hell while he still lived in the house during our divorce came flooding back. The fears and feelings I had during that time had returned. There is no way in this world I could have another night like that. In the morning I got ready for work as I was leaving I woke JA telling him to ake his father a cuppa and get him to leave when he went to school. I was not impressed that the whole house stank of cigarette smoke and he had used one of my candle dishes as an ashtray. At work I worried that he wouldn't go. I phoned OJ (he had been out the previous night) repeatedly until he assured me at 9am that his dad had gone. Two days later he phoned me to ask if he could sleep on my sofa again. I said NO and he accepted that and to my relief hasn't bothered me since.

That same night I had also told Plumber online that it was time he started being honest with me. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about. But because SF arrived while we were talking we couldn't have a proper conversation that night. A couple of nights later we had a heated conversation about his lies. He has now admitted that he does live at home some of the time but they have seperate rooms. Hes still not being totally honest but its a start and he now knows that I will not stand for bare faced lies. Our relationship if you can call it that has become stronger. Over recent weeks he has said that he thinks I deserve a better life and if he could he would give it to me but current circumstances mean he can't at present. He says that he won't stop me seeing others and hopes I wont stop him but he won't go out of his way to see other women .......I satisfy all his needs. (whatever he means by that).

Plumber knows I have been seeing Sailor (who also knows about Plumber). They are both happy to share me but don't want me to be hurt or damaged. A few times there have been half arrangements for the three of us to go sailing together. But on the day things didn't work out. I have now been out in the harbour with Sailor on his boat a couple of times, once just using the engine then on Monday after work we spent a couple of hours sailing while the weather was good. I really enjoyed that and hope to go again this weekend. Plumber is very jealous (of us sailing).

Tuesday evening I had a posh frock evening (thank heavens for ebay) I wore a purple dress
with silver heels ..........my mum calls them y 'Dorothy slippers'. It was the Rotary club President's night. Very different to previous ones I had been to. This was at a pub on the A32 that I have passed many times but not taken much notice of because it does not look inviting from outside. It turns out to be a restaurant that has tribute acts performing a caberate on a small stage. The room we were in had a very strange mix of traditional countryside prints including a Roebuck, and theatrical ornamentation. There was a chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The place is run by a couple of men who had been in the theatre in their past. One of them apparently was one of the countries leading pantomime Dames.

So now you know what has been going on in my life in the last 5 or 6 weeks.

Meeting a clown

Over recent weeks I have had far more calls than I care to receive from SF.First there were the calls asking what to do about christmas. (Would it be alright to have the boys on boxing day).I might not want SF in my life any more but I am not going to stop our sons from seeing him if they so want. I don't see why he stil thinks it is nescessary to ask my permission to see them. They are all old enough to make up their own minds, and make their own arrangements with him. He isn't meant to contact me he is supposed to ring them directly. I would say that he has all their mobile numbers but JA often forgets to charge his phone and the others have all had new phones in recent months and not passed on their new numbers. Unfortunately he got my mobile number and our home land line number by accident when he borrowed a phone from ET. He promised he wouldn't be a nuisance which he isn't really but I could do without his calls that are never important or urgent.

Before christmas he called me asking to borrow some money. He keeps telling me that he is going to finish with his girlfriend. I don't need to know this it is nothing to do with me, I don't care who he lives with. However DC won't see him when J is there. He asked me if he could give our sons a post dated cheque for them to split between them for christmas.On Christmas Eve he called me at 5pm from the pub, he had earlier decided to catch the trai to Kent to visit his own family and would have the boys on sunday instead of boxing day. However now he couldn't afford the train fare. I was not going to lend him the money. On the sunday suprise suprise he couldn't see the boys because all he had was some ham and some instant mash. Later I asked OJ how he and his brothers feel when their dad lets them down like this. He says that they just accept it as he has always let them down all thier lives, making promises then on the day saying it will have to be another time. He has asked if he can borrow money from his own sons. They are now refusing to let him have any money because he spends it on beer and cigarettes.

Last week I was asked if he could give the a dinner on Sunday (today), a few days ago he asked if they would like to go to a local carvery for early bird dinners. Now today he is saying that instead of seeing them today he would see them on thursday and give them a buffet meal. It will be ET's 17th birthday on Friday his father tells me he is going to give him £20 on thursday so that I can have him at home on his birthday.SF got paid on Friday so it is that time of the moth when he pays me the £100 maintenance that I recieve every month from him. He called me this morning asking if I need that money yet. When I told him that I do need it so I can go shopping he asked when I am going shopping.

' Not until I get the money. '

'Can you do me a favour and give me and J a lift into Town to the cash machine then I can give you the money'.

'ok'

'When will you be going?'

'Give me an hour'

'Oh I wanted to go now, would you be able to pick us up from The H******** ? so I can have a drink first or would The Mill be easier for you?'

Bloody cheek! So I kept him waiting by going to the local Tip first. But when I got to The Mill I nearly died when I saw them walking towards my car. With his baggy black and white striped cotton trousers with huge red and green patches at the knees. A tee shirt with coloured hoops (I didn't look very closely) an off white cotton blazer and a fedora.!!!

OMG hes turned into a clown all he needs are the big shoes and a flower that sprays water. She wasn't dressed quite so flamboyantly but was still quite a sight. I wanted to hide in case anyone saw me with them. They both talked non stop as I drove, making it hard for e to figure out what either of them were saying. J's speach is not very easy for me to understand (even on a good day) apparently she had a stroke some years ago and her speech was affected. That coupled with my hearing deficeincy doesn't help. Several times SF told J to stop talking. He was very rude to her.When I pulled up outside the Post Office I had to tell J to get out of the car so that SF could go to the cash machine. No sooner was she out of the car and she was gone trotting off towards the pub. I am sure that by the time he had climbed out of the car and reached the cash point she must have already reached the pub. Very strange!!

Money, ET and SF

I have wrapped most of the presents that I have bought. Not many this year but I know my boys understand I can't afford much, I know they will be dissappointed on christmas day even if they don't say so. I know none of them will complain (or at least not in my hearing) that they didn't get much. We will still have a nice day and as we are going out for our christmas dinner the day will be so different to previous christmas days so that will help.

I have been lying in bed this morning mulling things over. I have a tension headache which is hardly suprising as I think I must have slept with my teeth gritted, I tend to do that when I am worrying. I was just thinking about my colleague telling me that our other colleague has been worring about the kind of christmas I will have. She had asked her if she thought I would be offended if she offered me some money so that my boys could have a good christmas. I am really amazed as she has only known me for a couple of months. But even more so as during the week she told me that she has been offered another job (more money)and might leave after christmas.

While I have been lying here I have been thinking about this. No I wouldn't be offended after all over the years I have learnt that I can't afford to be too proud to accept things that have been offered to me. (there has been a lot of cast offs for the boys particularly school uniforms ). I used to joke that I should be called 'second hand rose' even most of my furniture is second hand. But having said that if she does offer me some money I shall turn it down. Not because I am offended, quite the contrary I would be very touched at her generosity. But being given second hand things is one thing but money is another. I have already blogged a couple of times about the generosity of my colleagues where I used to work. The money they gave me when I was left with nothing after my purse was stolen a few days before christmas three years ago. I still feel bad that I have not been able to finish paying them back yet.

Our christmas is not going to be anything special but we will have each other and my mother will make sure we have enough to eat etc. I have done a lot of thinking about the current situation with the Company I work for and I do believe that this is just a blip partly down to everyone expecting to be paid early as it is December. I don't think our Company is in serious trouble, our directors are not going around seriously stressed, they appear to be in good humour. Believe me when they are stressed we can tell. I also don't think I would have got a bonus at the end of November if things were that bad. We have just had new catalogues and price lists printed, why would they go to that expense if we were going under. So all in all I don't think I am about to lose my job, we are just not getting paid early. If I had known in advance, then I would not have got this damn wii which I really do regret buying. I could have done so much more with that money.

Yesterday I did buy a few cheap presents then bought enough food to last us until monday. I took ET with me to ASDA as he wanted to buy me a christmas present. He realised that he couldn't afford the item he had wanted to buy so I walked him around the clothes, necklaces and music sections pointing out a few things that would be appreciated. He then did his shopping while I did mine. I have no idea what he bought as he has kept it hidden in the bag for life that he kept clutched to himself.

In the last week ET and I have had a lot more one to one time than usual. He tells me that he does miss his friends and he does want to get his social life back. I had thought he had stopped seeing his friends because he wanted to play his PS3 games. But he says it is because he never has any money and his friends always want to do things that cost money. Most of his friends have had part time jobs. He did say he has been invited to a few parties but he didn't want to go as it always means drinking. He doesn't enjoy drinking, this was quite a revelation for me as I have in the past had to collect him from various parties where he has drunk so much he has been sick. He also admitted that not only does he not like drinking but it worries him because he knows what drink can do to you having watched his father being drunk so often.

As each of my sons reach the age where their peers are getting drunk I feel grateful for the only thing SF has done for our sons. DC does drink but only moderately and I don't recall ever seeing him drunk. He has said for years that he knows when hes had enough. I am sure he does get drunk occassionally but thats only when he is staying away from home, he is often driving so doesn't drink. OJ is now legally old enough to drink but won't touch it. We have said that we would get a bottle of wine between DC, OJ myself and Granny, to have with our lunch on xmas day but they have both declined. So for this I am grateful to SF for showing them that they do not want to become heavy drinkers.

On a brighter note I got an honourable mention this week on dj's wordless wednesday.

from depression to being happier

Earlier I wrote about how numb I have been feeling for the last few days, since then I have been busier.

First of all I took some old bikes to the tip ......no I don't mean my friends.

I cracked the whip and got my boys doing chores.

Then I had a chat with Rae who was concerned about me after my last post.

I am now feeling much more like myself.

I know some of you were worried that I was showing signs of depression. So here is a confession.

For years I was very susceptible to depression. In my early twenties I was clinically depressed. I had to give up my job as got closer and closer to the edge until I reached a stage where I didn't know how I was going to survive the next hour let alone the next day. My GP offered me anti depressants but I chose to ask for councelling instead. A councillor came to see me at home and we talked for about an hour and a half. We talked about all the things that had and were going on in my life. It was quite an impressive list of things some that I hadn't even realised I was depressed about. My depression wasn't just about the one or two major things that I was concerned baout but a whole host of smaller things too. But unfortunately this councillor was moving on to another area so I would have to see someone else.

The someone else never materialised, but just knowing that my myriad of problems had been acknowledged was enough to start my journey out of the depression. Years later my mum described me during those months as being like a black cloud on the end of the sofa. I would stay up half the night not wanting to sleep then in the morning not wanting to get up. There was even a point where I was so low that I wrote out a list of my belongings and who I wanted to have what. It was my intention to end my life as it was so worthless and everyone would be better off without me. I don't remember now 25 years later what the trigger was but I pulled back, I realised that my family would be devastated if I killed myself. I realised it would be an incredibly selfish act. I managed to get some part time bar work in a country pub where I knew the chef. This was my first step back to recovery.

A few years later I was a new mum living in a strange town in a house that had no phone or neighbours. I knew very few people, my partner was working all day leaving me at home with a young baby. Then his best friend from his school days came to stay along with his girlfriend. He had sold his home after his divorce and they were planning to got to Australia and New Zealand travelling for a year but needed somewhere to stay for a month (it felt more like a year). I did not get on with this woman. Again I became depressed, this time I acepted the anti depressants but it didn't take me very long to discard them. I hated the feeling that I was about 4" off the ground all the time. Nothing felt normal, it was just the weiredest feeling, so I just managed as best I could for the remaining weeks.

Over the next few years I became depressed a number of times. It was not easy to live with an alcoholic whilst caring for my young children. The debts, the lack of money, the insults, it all added up. But after a few years I woke up and realised that it was up to me to change the way I dealt with my life. That is when I made the decision to be happy. I decided that I would only ever be happy if I decided to be happy. That worked for a while. But I wasn't really happy, my decision hadn't made me happy it had stopped me from being miserable. Which in my book, considering the life I was leading was a positive move.

In the last 10 to 15 years I have had days when I have felt depressed but I have always managed to pull myself out of it within a few days. I have learnt that when I get depressed now I allow myself one or two days to wallow in it then I give myself a good talking to and take measures to bring myself out of it.

During that first big depression I discovered that I had got myself into that state because I had kept all my feelings buried deep inside. My lover had gone off saying he would be back in a few days. I didn't hear from him again until he came looking for me 11 months later. During those months I had stubbornly refused to allow myself to get upset until I knew what had happened, why the love of my life had gone off in the way he did without so much as a word. These days when I have any problems I talk about them.

ouch writing that last paragraph has just made me see why I get so worked up about Romeo when I don't hear from him when I expect to. But I know the situation now is so very different to the situation then.

I have also had a chat today which has made the situation with Romeo suddenly become much clearer. I won't go into details about that as I feel to do so would be very wrong of me. Just trust me.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I appreciate your concern but I will be ok.

This one is for Mel

Happy Halloween!! You've been Mooned!!

One rule to this game.... You can NOT get someone who has already gotten you! Now... go out there and get as many people as you can, before they get you! I got you first! and you can't get me back! Nanee - Nanee - NaNa! (hehe) We do not stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!

For those of you still wondering what I meant about being removed, I was referring to being removed from my computer for the evening. LV is aware that I spend far too much of my time at my computer, so he took me away from it for a few hours.

Some of you may be wanting to know what is happening with Paulo this week. He text me a couple of times whilst I was out to dinner on saturday evening. I didn't hear from him on Sunday, on Monday there was an email when I got home from work which was later followed by a brief chat on msn. Tuesday nothing, I did consider contacting him but decided that if hes interested he can do the chasing. Besides last week when he was constantly texting and phoning I needed that to stop me from brooding over Romeo. This week I am in a better place so I don't need that attention as much (I wouldn't call a stop to it though). Today I thought he would text or phone me during the day, but he didn't until he was about to go home. He rang me at 4.25pm saying ' I wanted to tell you that you have not been forgotten, today has just been jam packed all day.' My work has been busy these last few days also.

On my way home my phone rang, I thought it might be DC as I had just tried to ring him, or it could be Paulo, but to my astonishment it was SF!! A few weeks ago he lost his mobile and borrowed one that he had previously given to ET. Unfortunately when SF tried to phone his 'mum' he phoned ET's 'mum'. Damn that means that he now has my mobile number for the first time in 2.5 years. I just know that he will use that number whenever he wants to talk to me.

Last night I was bored and did a spot of snooping, I was trying to see if there is anything on the internet about Paulo. I didn't find much but thought I would see if his daughter is on facebook (she is 16 afterall). I found only one girl with that distinct name, but to my suprise she has been attending a school in London not the town where I believed he lives. But then I worked out the distance between the school and his work place (20 miles) a couple of times he has phoned me as he drove home and I thought he was driving a long time, now I know why. So it seems that he is a neighbour of Mei's. I found this idea amusing so emailed her last night to tell her this. When I woke up I had a reply from her.

so wha do you want me to do? drive up and down his street to see if a mrs paulo lives there too? your wish is my command as i also like snooping!

don't you just love her?

On the Romeo front he is away again for two weeks. His text on Sunday evening didn't say much but it did put a smile on my face and I have been feeling much happier this week (I have no explanation as to why).

catching up

Where to start?

Saturday morning I went off to put a deposit on the car DC wanted to buy. Then I had to juggle my money so that there was enough in my current account so that DC could get the insurance set up, he had to pay for two months in advance then pays nothing for two months. This meant that I was left with very little to buy food but that was ok as DC was going to pay me back in cash when he got home. I spent a couple of hours with my mum in the afternoon.

Whilst at my mums she had a phone call, I could only hear her side of it but it was very soon apparent who and what the call was.

'no SF I can't lend you any money.'

'no I am a bit short myself at the moment'

'well I can lend you £20 that I have in my purse'

'I don't want you to come here'

'no don't come here and don't try to see LiR'

'I will give the money to her so she can give it to one of the boys to give you'

'No you will have to arrange to meet one of the boys'

No prizes for working that one out. I phoned OJ who said that his dad had rung him asking if he could lend him any money.

' I told him I don't have any and nor does mum.'

Sunday was another warm sunny day, I drove DC to where his new car was, he signed on the dotted line and paid his money. I drove around the corner and waited for him to follow but he didn't then I saw him in my rear view mirror talking to the guy he had just bought the car from. A few minutes later I got a text from DC

flat battery!

Jump leads and a couple of minutes with the engine running he was ready to go. So now my son has a car that he can afford to run so he shouldn't have any need to borrow mine.

I spent my afternoon at the cinema with my mum. The Duchess was a very moving and interesting film. Kiera Knightley' Duchess was a very powerful character,you could help feel her pain and frustrations.

I ended my day by having a long conversation with Forest. The start of this conversation was quite painful for me. We were not talking about our past, that is in the past now and we have moved on. But he was asking me about Romeo. I have been finding these last few weeks hard to cope with as I had not heard from Romeo for three weeks which is longer than any other time that I have not heard from him. I am and always have been confident that I just have to be patient and he would be back and I know that as soon as I hear from him I shall be fine. But talking to Forest made the whole situation worse for me. The questions he asked (the same questions everyone myself included) put doubts in my mind that I can't afford to have there. In order to survive these absences I need to be strong and patient and have absolute faith and trust in Romeo. When someone sows these seeds of doubt in my mind it hurts me. I had to change the subject.

Oh yes thats when things began to get hot. Among other things the conversation turned to Lotto, I am not saying why or how that subject came up. But to cut a long story short I was telling Forest about my conversation with Lotto last weekend, when he tried to be my master. He was very half hearted about it and caved in to me very easily. This led to me telling Forest that he would be good at being a Master. He is a passive aggressive, or so I thought a couple of times when we were together. Well it was like a light being switched on. Forest went into Dom mode and yes I would say that he has the making of a Dom, now this is a side to him that I never saw before.

Anyway having talked to him last night and following a text I got this morning from Aunty in reply to a text I sent to her on Saturday I was feeling rather depressed and hurt about Romeo. So much so that I was feeling like he was ignoring me. I wanted to send him a text telling him that he was hurting me but I didn't I just got on with my work and plastered a smile on my face everytime I answered the phone. I am not quite sure if I mentioned the other week that another of my customers has been chatting me up. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for his email address meaning his work one but he gave me his personal email address. We have exchanged a couple of emails nothing much.

Today I was given a message to phone him as he wanted to place an order. We must have been chatting for at least half an hour as I was taking his order. During the conversation he insisted on giving me his mobile number. I text him later to let him know that his order had been packed and would be delivered tomorrow. So now he has my mobile number. Perhaps that was a mistake. I really enjoyed chatting to him and our conversation lifted my spirits. So my depression was beginning to lift so I was feeling much happier. I think this guy could be featuring here a bit more so I had better give hima name. Paulo.

To my utter suprise I got a text from Romeo at lunch time telling me he has just returned from a trip to the far east. I guess he will be getting over jet lag for the next few days so I have just replied that I had started to get worried about him. I shall just leave him be now and wait for him to contact me. Although I enjoyed chatting to Forest last night I really wish he hadn't sown the seeds of doubt in my mind.

As for Paulo, I had only been in the house for 10 minutes when he phoned me just because he wanted to hear my voice. Apparently he finds my voice very sexy and I intrigue him. We talked about families (he has been seperated 6 months) homes, he wants to get my shower fixed for me (so he can share it with me tut tut)and we talked about food, dieting and gyms. Again we chatted for a good half an hour. I have had 5 emails from him in the last hour. Ok so he wouldn't keep sending them if I didn't reply. But I do enjoy talking to him.

So now I don't know where I am at. I have such strong feelings for Romeo but I feel hurt by his lack of communications in the last two months. I guess I shall just see how things pan out with Romeo over the next few weeks. If we can't progress in the next month then there is no point in carrying on all it is doing is hurting me. It hurts me that I am beginning to feel this way because I really felt we had something special. Perhaps its just the length of his absence then what Forest was saying last night that I just can't fully shake off.

Update and accusations

I am relieved to tell you that after Monday life has settled down a little. Having talked to ET on Monday he went to college on Tuesday and seems to be in a happier place. I now think that his 'quitting college' was a knee jerk reaction to missing his train. I also think he now realises what a big step he would be making and probably not in his best interests to quit.

On the other subject, to bolster my courage I 'power dressed' for work on Tuesday to give myself more strength. In the end we didn't hear from SF at all on Tuesday. As he had said he doesn't have my phone numbers (even the house phone number was changed after he moved out). If he wants to speak to me he has to call one of our sons on their mobiles. We have all agreed that he can't stay here, that makes it easier for me knowing that our boys don't want him here. Tonight OJ had a missed call from him but none of us have spoken to him, I am still dreading his next call but I know there can only be one answer if he asks again about staying here.

On a different subject, back to that other boring topic, my work. One of our Reps made an accusation to me the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to him in a short period of time that morning. He said I was talking to him in a sexy voice and wondered why. I told him I wasn't I was just talking the way I normally do. I'm not sure he was convinced and I have not spoken to him again since. No thats not true I did speak to him again a short time later. Ok I confess I did alter my voice slightly when I answered the phone knowing it was him but I thought I was just speaking nicely. Perhaps it was more a case of what I said rather than how. The first time he called he said

'Oh hi LiR, how are you?'

'I'm fine .....all the better for speaking to you'.

my reply was just a bit of tongue in cheek fun, we have always got on ok, I have never flirted with him in any way shape or form so perhaps I caught him off guard.

So after he accused me of talking in a sexy voice, once I had denied it I had to make sure I kept my voice the same each time he called. I wonder how long I can keep this going. I have never met him as he is based in the north. Although one of our other more local Reps he lives in a small Kentish town that I knew well in my childhood, and visits our office every few months. He is not far off retirement but I can still wind him up so that he tells me I have made him 'come over all unnescessary'. Who says work can't be fun? Oh yes Bob was saying something crude to WM about what to do with an 18" roller sleeve, they both looked at me and said they wouldn't ask me what I would do with it. WM did mutter about it would need a lot of batteries though. I really don't know what they could be insinuating. Don't they know that I am a shy, innocent, naive single mum. Now Trixie don't spray your coffee everywhere. I am innocent I tell you.....stamps foot and goes off to the corner to hide with an impish grin spread across my face.

Bloody hell!!

Work was fine today even with NL back, it was a very quiet day which meant that I could get on with catching up with some of the things that have been put to one side for weeks. But whilst I was enjoying my work there were other problems rearing their ugly heads.

First I had a missed call from home while I was away from my desk, this was followed by a text from OJ.

ET needs to get his act together, cos this is 3rd day off out of 11 which is way below the compulsory 85% so dont be suprised if you get called in.

WTF when I left this morning ET was up and getting ready for college so what was OJ on about?

I rang home and ET answered, I asked him why he was home, he had missed the train so didn't go to college as he would have missed his first lesson. He is quitting college and has applied for a job at Co-op. I can't deal with this now so I will talk to him later. When I got home I discussed thi with all the boys, we all agree that ET can't give up college after just 2 weeks. He has agreed to stay at college until half term, then if he still feels that college is not for him he can leave but only on the condition that he has found himself a job that will pay him enough to be able to pay me the money I will lose when he is nolonger in education. So we will have to see what he does.

Then this evening their father phoned asking if he can sleep on my sofa until 10th October, hes very down and if he can't find anywhere that is near enough for him to walk to work (in town) at 4.30am each day then he will get under a rail line. Not sure how he would 'get under a rail line' but he seems to think he will. In other words hes blackmailing me. 'Give me a roof over my head or the boys lose their father'.

I told him 'no' time and time again but he kept begging, in the end I said I would think about it but wasnt making any promises.

I can't have him here and I don't know why he thinks otherwise. He told me that he doesn't mind if I have someone, he wont be any bother. Bloody cheek. As far as I am aware he doesn't know about Romeo and I would like it to stay that way for the moment, not that Romeo seems to be much in evidence at the moment. I wish he was around giving me the moral support I need right now.

Whilst I feel sorry for him I can't allow him into my home, into our lives. How do I stand firm and stop him from wearing me down on this. If he was still being objectionable it would be easy. But as we have been civil for the last year, it has become harder to say no without appearing cold hearted. I just know he is going to lay the guilt on me.

Right now I need Romeo to hold me and tell me that he will stand with me as I stand firm against this man.

Feeling like death warmed up

By the time we arrived it was too late grandad had passed away.



I can't help feeling that he would have preferred it that way. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sat there watching for his last breath. Waiting for his last moment. We had said our goodbyes hours earlier. He had not been aware of what was happening for hours, he had had enough. We had been there for him when he was still conscious, that was more important to us and him.



Thursday was a strange day waking up feeling crap (having been awake until 5am) I still cant believe that at one point I told my mum I felt like death 'warmed up'. It was only later I realised what I had said. When I mentioned it to my mum she said she had noticed and had chuckled to herself. But she agreed that she felt as though she had a hangover. The day was a mixture of phone calls and sleeping.



One phone call I hadn't expected was SF, he had tried calling me at work. To give his sympathy?

No he didn't know grandad had gone. He does now and I have said he can attend the funeral (if he doesn't drink first). No he was phoning to ask me to lend him £50 to tide him over until he gets paid next week. I really wish he wouldn't put me in this situation. Most months I find myself just scraping through with no spare money. But I do still have money in the bank not that I want him to know that. I don't want to be lending him money but I feel that if I say no then he might be less willing to help me out next time I need it. (hopefully those days are now over). Equally I don't want to set a precedence for him to keep begging me for money every time he wants beer or cigarettes. I gave him £20. I could have managed more but don't feel it would be helpful to either of us if I did.

unexpected emotions and thoughts

A day of unexpected emotions and thoughts.
Mid morning my mum called, my granddad had been taken to hospital, she was waiting to find out which hospital. In the meantime she had an appointment to see her consultant about her knee at 1pm. She would call me later to let me know which hospital grandad was now in. If it is the ‘Super Hospital’ which is more or less on my way home, I would visit him after work.
A short time later another call, he is in the Super Hospital would I be able to take her to visit him, with her bad knee she can’t walk from the car park it is to far.
What time do you want me to pick you up?
Now!! the hospital, have said I should come now, it might still be too late.
Abandoning my work saying I may or may not be back later I rush off to get my mum, 35 minutes later I have dropped her off at A & E whilst I find somewhere to park. A quick call home to let the boys know where I am, and off to find my mum. I am ok as I make my way across the car park and along the road passing buildings still under construction, but as I turn the corner towards A & E it hits me the last time I was here. But more about that later.
I was directed to where granddad was laying on a trolley surrounded by medical staff. A doctor was talking to mum. As soon as I arrived granddad seemed pleased to see me, holding out his hand and trying to say something. I took his hand in mine, for a few moments I really thought this is it, he’s going to die right here right now, while I’m holding his hand. He was trying to talk but I was not able to make out what it was. Already he had pulled off the oxygen mask, he is very weak, but his grip is firm. After a minute of stroking my hand he relaxes back against his pillows. My wild imagination convinces me that he is happy he has his daughter and granddaughter with him, now he can let go.
But I was wrong; he still has too much fight left in him. My granddad is 94 and has never been ill in his life until he caught pneumonia 18 months ago. This now is his third bout of pneumonia. The doctor explains that one of his lungs is now very bad. Mother and I follow as he is moved to an assessment ward. Still he fights off every attempt to give him an oxygen mask, even when one is successfully put in place it is not long before he has taken it off.
My granddad is lying in his hospital bed looking like a tiny white haired frail man little more than a skeleton. Drips and wires trailing fro his bed, his breathing a laboured rattle. He sleeps fitfully, we sit quietly by his side wanting to be there for him but knowing that he is past being aware of us. We are both becoming hungry so regretfully I left mum sitting there as I went in search of the shop for a sandwich and drink each. It didn’t take me long to find the corridor where the shop used to be, but it had moved. Ten minutes later back on the ward as we munched our sarnies the physio explained that she wants to try to shift the fluid from his lung by pushing a tube down his nose and into his lung. I can’t help feeling that this is wrong.
I don’t want to lose this man who I have loved all my life, the man who took us children on long country walks with his dog, always having mints in his pocket to hand out to everyone. The man I was slightly afraid of but loved anyway. The man who even after he retired was always up by 6am every day. The man who told me in 1983 when my gran died that he wouldn’t be here in 10 years time. The man who a year later was embarrassing me by asking my advice on how to keep an erection when he was with his new partner. The frail man who looked after his partner on his own until she was admitted to hospital with cancer in 2005. The man I would drive every weekend to visit his partner in Bournemouth Hospital until she died. The man who continued to live alone until he became too weak to manage and moved into a rest home in September 2006 aged 92. The man who in February 2007 began to tell us about his time in the second world war when he was on secret missions travelling into Southern France, going into hiding from the Germans until he could be rescued. Things he had never mentioned before, because he had signed the Official Secrets Act. But now he wanted his family to know about it and he felt that it wouldn’t be a security breach now.
I shall be sorry when he is not here any more, but I feel it would be so much better for him if he was just left in peace to fade away. At 94, unable to dress himself, feed himself or do anything other than watch the tv which he can’t always hear, this lovely man who is still in possession of an active mind has nothing left to hang to for.
We left the hospital late afternoon, he was sleeping, he hasn’t tried to speak since I first arrived. Tonight they have moved him to a room on his own. Mum and I talked on the way home and over a cup of tea at her place. We are both feeling a little sad although not upset. We both feel that this time he may not make it. We are glad that we were there for him this afternoon. If my mum gets a call in the night to say that he is going I shall of course rush to get her back to the hospital. I don’t feel that I must be there when he dies, if I am needed by either of them I shall be there but I feel like I said my goodbyes to him today. If he pulls through I shall be happy, but this time I think he will give up. But having said that, I have been surprised how firm his grip was and his determination to rid himself of all gas and air masks. So there is still fight in him even if that is just instinct.
As things stand at present, I shall go to work as normal tomorrow. Life goes on it has to, but I shall be paying closer attention to my mum and how she is.
I mentioned earlier the last time I was in the A & E department. It was September 2005, SF had during the night threatened me with a carving knife in front of JA (9yrs) then when JA became distressed, he took an overdose of his anti depressants, I called an ambulance, took JA to my mum’s the older boys wanted to stay at home so they could get themselves off to school etc in the morning. When I arrived at the hospital SF was being assessed. Hours later it was evident that he had only pretended to over dose. SF was then seen by the mental health team before he was discharged.
This was one of the lowest points for me, I had already begun divorce proceedings. Today brought back the vivid recollection of sitting on the ward being told by these people that I had to give him another chance, he needed my help, I have to make allowances for him in his poor mental state. I just sat there and sobbed and sobbed, they had no idea what they were asking of me. When I said to my mum today that walking around that corner had brought back memories of the last time I was here, she knew exactly what I was thinking about. It is one of the things I had shut out, very rarely talked about, best forgotten. But today I was back there, back in that place 3 years ago. But it also made me think about how far I have come in the last 3 years. There is no going back ever!!
Earlier I read Miss Understood’s purse meme which included a post she had written several years ago Russian Doll. I am linking to it here as reading it seems to apt considering this last part of my post. Do read it, Miss Understood makes a lot of sense.


1.45am just been called to go to hospital now

organised ~ not!!

I began my day by playing with my blogs, moving things around adding things and deleting a few things too. It felt good to be tweaking what had not been tweaked for a while. I am not going to tell you exactly what I have done as half the fun is seeing if you can spot the changes, and you should never forget that I do like to have fun.

LV commented earlier.............'Humour detected'

Being the organised person that I am (not), I planned to do several things today.

a) buy a new strimmer to cut back the nettles and brambles I have been cultivating this year, whilst I have one last chance.

b) buy a new net curtain or perhaps some vertical blinds to replace the net curtain Nipper shredded at the start of the week trying to get out of the top window.

c) buy new school blazer, and sports shorts and socks for JA going back to school next wednesday.

I couldn't decide where to go or in which order. So with my usual last minute satuday afternoon dash I headed for the 'superstores' just out of town. Q & B as LV refers to it only had a few strimmers left and those were the all singing all dancing super duper top of the range expensive ones. On the way to the garden equipment section I had passed the flat pack furniture. On the way back I picked up a 3 drawer chest for the boys to have in their room. The unit JA keeps his jumple of tangled clothes in also acts as a stand for the new HD flat screen TV that DC bought last week in place of buying a ticket for Reading Rock festival. On wednesday that unit got knocked, it apparently is quite unsteady (held upright by the heap of clothes that have been shoved into it). The unit got a second knock which sent the TV flying onto the floor breaking the screen. I have suggested that JA puts his tumble of clothes into the doorless wardrobe where OJ currently keeps his clothes. OJ can use the new drawers. OJ enjoys building flat packs (ok maybe not but he enjoys the challenge). To make his life easier I also invested in a power screwdriver.

I had just reached the checkout when I decided on a detour to the back of the store where they keep blinds. There were a few vertical blinds but mostly it was venetian blinds ( I do not want those). I didn't see what I wanted. But I did buy a new shower head.

On leaving the store I turned towards the other city paying a visit to the super duper Tesco store I will never get used to the recorded voice telling you that you are nearing the landing point when you go up or down the moving slope (like an escalator but without steps ~ more of a human conveyor belt). No blinds or nets,but I did get a set of kitchen knives, curry for my dinner and two tubs of cheese sauce granules (asda have not had them for the last 2 weeks ~ and the boys use it on pasta, potatoes and various other things.)

Oh and I nearly forgot to tell you about the fly in the ointment that was my day. SF phoned.

what are you doing this evening?

why?

I need somewhere to lay my head tonight, can I sleep on your sofa?

have you and Village fallen out?

No but her mother is getting on my nerves, I wish I had worked all day today. So can I sleep over?

No you can't, sorry.

Ok, talk to you later

what a nerve he has, apart from me not wanting him here he can't. I sent a text to aunty telling her that he had asked and was he going to start trying to worm his way back in.

yes

so I phoned her for a chat, I wanted to talk about Romeo anyway.

First she linked into SF and Village. (first time we have talked about the people he now lives with). She tells me that village is besotted with SF (I know she has liked him for yrs) but he doesn't love her although they are ok. The problem with her mother is that although she likes SF she doesn't think he treats her daughter very well (they live in the mother's house). No surprises there then.

Aunty told me not to let him back here even for one night (not that I will ) she is concerned that he might try to wear me down, then she picked up that he has an injunction against him anyway.

Then we talked about Romeo, she looked into various aspects of him and his life. Most of it was going over old ground, but I do like to know that she will come up with the same answers each time. So her verdict is that he is very much a worker, he feels he has to prove himself all the time, even though he knows he is very good at what he does. Money wise, he has lots of it but it isn't something he thinks about. Romance wise he is very romantic. Relability is his failling, he is not reliable although that is not intentional. He trusts me and has a huge amount of respect for me. This time she also said that since meeting he has moved very close to falling over the edge, he has very deep feelings for me. Oh yeah she had already picked up that I have fallen for him too. Several times during the conversation Aunty said that Romeo is 'lovely' which is a word I often use to describe him when ever anyone asks. She thinks we will be together at the start of October but there is also a slim chance I will see him in september.

I am sure that some of you reading this will be thinking its all mumbo jumbo and I shouldn't listen to these people. Aunty as I call her here has been there for me for the last 3 years. Occasionally she is wrong but generally she is right about most things even when I hope and pray she is wrong. I trust her to be truthful, she won't just tell me what I want to hear. She has been good to me and lets me contact her at home or just by text instead of going through those expensive telephone lines that are £1.50 per minute. Yes I have used other psychics when I was in my deepest misery, there are occasions when I still use others but mostly it is aunty who I trust and she knows me so well now (lol she always says I have enough romance in me for the whole world). Three years ago I was speakig to her at least once a week, sometimes more. These days I don't need her but sometimes I just like to have some confirmation that my own instincts are right. I did ask her how Romeo will react if I tell him that I love him. She says he will be pleased but probably go quiet.

So thats another day over and as we all know tomorrow is another day. (I might even reveal the latest reward I have been given)

By special request

Vincent left a comment on my last post that he likes to read about cars.

So Vincent as I said recently ..........be careful what you wish for.

When I first moved to this area and had my first child I was living with my parents for a short time until SF found a job down here (he had been made redundant from his mini skip driving job in Tunbridge Wells). Sometimes my mum allowed me ther use of her blue VW Polo but this meant that I had to drive her to work and pick her up later.

As the months passed and SF had found work we moved into a bungalow in a large village that was later designated Town status not far from The Other City, this was before the county cricket moved to this locality. At this time my dad had left his job in Maidstone that he had been commuting to weekly since my parents had moved down here for my mother's job. My dad was no longer using his yellow VW camper van as he now used the Mitsubishi Lancer (the car I ahd passed my driving test in a couple of years earlier). So my dad let us have his camper van as our family car, this meant that SF could use it for works and any family trips. I however was still stuck living in a strange place with no car no phone and no neighbours. Transport for me was either shanksy's pony or public buses. We had our first holiday as a family in this camper van, me and him sleeping in the awning whilst DC (firstborn was sleeping in the campervan surrounded by all the cushions to prevent him falling) that holiday in Swanage was one of the better ones.

I was a little afraid of driving this camper van, At this point I had only driven a few cars and the thought of this great big van horrified me. I did once drive it around Sevenoaks and Tonbridge though when SF was drunk (just for a change). I think we eventually stopped using the van when it was going to cost too much to get it through its next MOT. Between them SF and my dad had been patching it up as best they could for sone time. By this time though my mum now had a company car so lent me her Polo to use as the family car. She still owned it but I had full use of it unless for some reason hers was not available.

I drove this car for years. It was only a three door car but it served me well for many years. With this car I made friends with many of my neighbours. (We had moved now to an area known in this town as the western wards, quite close to the 'superstores that line the main A road that runs parallel to the motorway). I often found that I had a flat battery and would be knocking on doors for a fit man to help me to bump start this car. Nextdoor was a fit fireman but it depended on his shifts whether he was there. Failing that my friend Katy who I had met when her cat went missing, her hubby was often there (being a financial advisor he didn't go to work as early as others). I had a portable battery charger so became adept at removing the battery, charging it up then replacing it. Another few years went by and we moved to this town. I was still driving my polo which by now my mum had transferred into my name I was now responsible for the insurance etc. Over the years an oil leak developed, there were several times when I had to call out the RAC until one time they wouldn't come out to me as I had gone over my allotted number of call outs for the year. I would have to pay before they would turn up now.

We both used the car a lot which meant that although he is only 5'8" he still had to move the driver seat each time he wanted to use the car. Moving the seat so often eventually wore out the catch under the seat. Instead of taking it to a garage to be fixed the seat was wedged in place with a piece of wood which I was never happy with but it was a darn sight better than driving along suddenly finding the seat moving backwards and having to grip the steering wheel tight to pull myself forward so I could reach the peddals.

Due to the battery and oil filter problems if the car went for more than a few hours without being started it wouldn't start. I am still not sure why. So as he went to work at silly o'clock each morning (being an HGV driver) it was my duty to take the car for a drive around the block at around 11pm. Once, I had already gone to bed and he made me get up to take the car out. It was late, it was winter so I just put my coat on over my night clothes. Stupid me I didn't take my house key, when I got back I couldn't get into the house and I couldn't get him to wake up. I had to get my neighbour to phone the house so I could get in. After that I gave her a spare key to my house, I ahd already had to get her husband to climb in through a window once when I had gone to school without keys.

Eventually about a year or so after we had moved to the house I now live in, the car had become such a joke that I was allowed to get another car. I was talking to a friend one day and said that I was looking for a car she said she was selling her rover 214. There was no way I could afford that. But when she said she was only looking for about £250 for it we decided to buy it.

This was the biggest car I had ever driven but I loved it. We sold the Polo to a friend whose hobby was doing up VW's. but it wasn't long before I discovered that the fuel guage didn't work. I was on my way home from work going to collect the children from school when the car just stopped. I managed to get the car into the central reservation out of the way of the traffic, a passerby gave me a lift to school where I phoned SF who got his mate Biffa to bring me a can of petrol and meet me back at the car. But where I had been trying to get the engine to start I had made the battery flat. Biffa went and collected SF from the pub with a spare battery so we could get my car back on the road. At one point the window on the driver's door wouldn't work. Then there was a problem with the drivers door and I would have to climb in from the passengers side. I had that car for about a year then we bought another identical rover even the same colour but this one was a year older (not even newer) than the one I had just got rid of. SF stored the first Rover in the yard at work so we could use it for spares.

A year later this car too was benig more trouble than it was worth, again there were a lot of calls to RAC. I learnt how to jiggle a pin that regulates the speed the engine turns over. Eventually at the start of 2001 SF took out a loan to buy a decent car. £5000 was not a great sum but it would but something more reliable than I was used to. But then we shouldn't spend it all on a car we should keep some back to pay for repairs etc so we began looking for something around £2000. But then I was diagnosed with Cancer and for a few months didn't drive at all. The loan money was used up on just living during this time.

At around the time I was getting better and my Insurance payout was due, PB who at that time was working for Recruitment Agency was looking after a Vectra 1.8 saloon that had been returned by a Rep who had just lost his job. The company wanted to sell the car for the same amount as my payout so although I had never driven an automatic I did buy it from her.

I very quickly grew to enjoy driving this car, I loved the comfort, space and of course the power. As I spent a lot of time during the next few years driving boys to and from Football, training, matches and tournaments, I needed a car capable of carrying all this lot around. Often I found myself leading a convoy of cars to various matches. But over the next few years there were starting to be things going wrong. There was never anything major just little niggles. Like the trim at the side of the windscreen had some broken clips so wouldnt stay clipped in place. One of the wipers decided that it would flop about during heavy rain no matter how many times it was sorted out. I forget all the other little things that were going wrong with it, but I loved that car. However it was starting to leave dark brown patches where it had been parked. SF would never let me take it in to be seen to.

So when we were going through the divorce I made a decision, I found that the engine was over heating and I had to fill the radiator with water, this worried me I now thought that the car had a leaking radiator so I arranged with my mum that she would lend me some money to but a new car (after all she had bought new cars for both my brothers). I went out and found a car, I wanted a cheaper car, smaller engine, lower insurance and tax, cheaper to run. So I found a garage near to my work in Grotspot, I fell in love with a shiney red Escort. It was still a 1.8 but it was deisel so it would be cheaper to run. I got a friend of a friend who does cars up to come and check it over for me and within a couple of days I had sold my vectra and bought the escort.

I didn't even tell SF that I was changing cars, now that really felt good making a decision without having to ask him. Unfortunately I had been too hasty, what I should have done was to get my vectra repaired, but on second thoughts I did need to find a car that was cheaper to run and the escort was cheaper to insure.

But on the bad side it didn't have power steering. Not a problem afterall I learnt to drive without power steering. It wasn't long though before I found that not having power steering was giving me problems with my shoulder and even causing me some very bad headaches. I never thought I would say that a car was giving me health problems but it was. It also began falling apart. 18 months ago after my mum haf her knee operation I was driving her around in her car and DC was using my car (for around 3 months). He came home one day with blue rope tied to the driver seat holding something under the car in place. My mum had been worring about me driving this car which my mechanic told me I should never have bought. So whenI started working again last summer my lovely mummy bought me the Toyota Corrolla I ahve been driving for the last year. I miss the power and I miss having 5 doors but as it is mostly only me and maybe one other in the car that is fine.

that time of year again

Mum get rid of that spider

you big baby it isn't going to hurt you besides there is no way I can reach up there

yes it that time of year again when I am in constant call to dispose of the spiders.......do you remember last year when I became obsessed with spiders......just to give you an idea here and here are some examples and here then there were all the little spider pictures I added to my posts and my Messenger

It does always make me chuckle that these boys who are 5'8" and 5'9 compared to my 5'0" need me to get rid of the spiders.

It does seem that that is not the only thing they need me for apart from the normal washing and cooking etc.

So on Saturday I not only got the internet working again even if the reason it wasn't on was down to me having a few blonde moments. There was the new washing line that needed to be strung up because someone snapped the old one by putting a heavy towel double folded on it where it just hung......if it had been hung properly from the high line where it could have blown dry in the breeze it would not have been a problem!!

And then there was the toilet again!!!

No this time it wasn't a case of it being blocked...............this time I didn't have to plunge my arm into the pan to sort it out. This time I was upto my elbow in cold water as I fixed the cistern. The connecting rod between the handle and the plunger had come off completely. It took a few minutes of fiddling around in cold water before I was able to reconnect the handle to the plunger that releases the water into the pan.

Something else that occurs at this time of year is of course 'Father's Day'

Yesterday OJ told me that I don't need to worry about feeding them today as they were having dinner with Dad. SF later spoke to me saying that he was going to take all four boys out for dinner once DC was home from his band practice. I had thought they were having dinner with him and his 'new family' but no it was just him and the boys.........he then said that I could go with them if I wanted.......I didn't so I declined saying I had things to do. (why would I want to sit in a restaurant playing happy families).

So imagine my surprise when I was asking ET if he was seeing his new g/f today, he said he wasn't and that they were not now going out for dinner. This set me off in a panic as that meant I needed to go buy some food for their dinner, DC has had my car most of the weekend and isn't due to bring it back until after the shops shut!! Oh but OJ tells me not to worry, dad just brough them some dinner. I now have in my freezer a box of 40 pieces of southern fried chicken, curly fries and fudge cake, all from Iceland..............so this is what the 'weekend father' thinks constitutes taking your children out for dinner! Yet again SF gets it wrong!!

Iceland fried chicken, Not to be confused with the place where Romeo was a week ago.

UPDATE

The toilet appears to have completely lost the pice of metal that connects the handle to the plunger............so I am about to try to fashion a make shift connection with from a metal clothes hanger......wish me luck!!

Owning My Cancer Part Two

Some of you may remember when I wrote Owning My Cancer Part One. Over the intervening months I have thought about writing Part Two, I even got as far as starting to write it although I never finished it. A close friend of one of my friends has recently learnt that she has cancerous cells in her cervix. I have offered my support to both my friend and her friend. But this has also reminded me that I didn't finish writing the story of my battle to stay alive.

I don't remember whether we made a joint decision not to tell the boys that it was Cancer or if we just didn't tell them. We told other people though, I needed to tell people. I needed people to know that I would need help with school runs, lifts to football those sort of things. To me, it felt necessary to explain to people what was wrong with me as I didn't feel that I appeared to be ill. There were no outward signs, no wounds that people could see, it felt like an invisible illness. I didn't want anyone thinking that I was being lazy not taking my children to school etc. Especially as my children did not attend one of the schools nearby. There were not many other pupils going to their schools who lived near to us. I drew up rotas for the school run. SF was working in The Other City and would start working at 6am. When no one else could do it PB would bring them home for me even though her own son attended another school. (During this time she moved him to the same junior school, later when I was well again I took her son and mine to school on the way to work and she picked them all up on the way home as she started and finished work earlier than I did).

I think in the beginning all we told the boys was that mummy had something wrong with her tummy. Ok thats what my mum and I told them. SF told them that.......'mummy is going to die'. I can't even begin to understand how that made them feel. Aged 13 the eldest of the four I relied on DC to help me by being here for the younger boys when I needed to sleep, or go to the shop for me when we needed somthing. He had other ideas, (I thought at the time that he was being a selfish teenager, but I later learnt from some of his friends that he was really worried about me and his way of coping was to avoid me as much as he could). Friends did that too. One of the things that I didn't expect was that the people I thought would be supportive would avoid me, but other people who I didn't know so well were really supportive.

It is at times like this that the differences in my children becomes more obvious. DC avoided me, OJ aged 10 became my number one carer, not just caring for me, making sure I was comfortable seeing if I needed anything to eat (even learning how to make me a cup of tea) but looking out for ET and JA too. ET would look at me as though I had grown a second head, I was a stranger a monster as far as he could see, he had just turned 9. But my baby JA had just started school and was struggling with that, it wasn't fair on him to have a poorly mummy who might die. He would just say things like mummy has a 'poorly tummy' then go and head butt my tummy. He was too young to realise what was going on. He just wanted his mummy to be like other mummies. I told all the schools so that they were aware of what was happening so they could support the boys if it was nesessary.

Something else I hadn't expected was how it made me feel being told that I had Cancer. Until that time I had been in a lot of pain and was very embarrassed that I was often leaking from my bladder like an old woman, but apart from that I didn't feel ill. There was nothing wrong with me that couldn't easily be put right. But within a day or so of being told that it was Cancer I found that I went right off food, even my favourite foods I couldn't stomach. I became very weak, I would fall asleep at the drop of a hat, one minute I was wide awake the next completely drained and asleep, it didn't matter where I was. I don't know it that was a physical symptom or purely psychological. It was this weakness and lack of appetite that alarmed SF the most. Resulting in him having to get sleeping tablets to help him sleep as he was so worried about me. I always had this feeling that he wasn't so much worried about losing me because he loved me but because he suddenly found out how much I actually did for him and the boys.........'how will I cope with four children on my own' became like a mantra for him.

I spent a lot of time with my mum, I know it was very hard for her, she hated seeing how ill I was and the worry that her beloved daughter might die was very tough for her. There were times when she had to just walk out because she wanted to cry but didn't want me to see her cry. There were also times when she wanted to smack SF for thinking about himself more than me or the boys. It was as if me having Cancer was to make life hard for him. Both SF and my mum carried on working but took it in turns to take a few hours off to take me to the hospital for my treatment. Collecting me at around 11.30am to get me to hospital for my daily appointment with the radiography department. Finally getting me home again by about 2.30 -3pm and back to work while I waited for the boys to be brought home.


I promise you won't have to wait so long for part three

pip

This is something I have been thinking about posting for a little while, more seriously since Vi took up internet dating. Then last night reading her post about Joey I decided that the time has come this is something I have to write about.



Ok first of all confession time, those who have been reading my blog for ages will know this but there seem to be quite a few newish readers to my blog this year. After I divorced SF (shit face if you were wondering...hey he worked in shit and talked it too), I met N, he was a player who messed me about something cronic, sharing his time between me and 'the bitch'. I will go into that story another time. It took me 7 months to come to my senses and ditch N (well technically he ditched me but I hit him and nearly ........another time ok). Anyway this one time he went too far, I couldn't forgive him. Now during our on off relationship I had sent him many sexy photos, some suggestive others more ...well lets just say more to his liking. when we split up I made him get rid of them all. But I still had copies. Money was becoming a real issue for me at this time. I had not worked since March, even by that time my part time wages had not been enough to support me and my 4 boys, although SF was still living in the house he paid nothing towards the rent let alone any bills (main reason I am still struggling to get out of debt). I was desperate to find a way to earn some extra money.



Against my better judgement, remember I was desperate at this time, I tried to find any of the mens magazines or soft porn sites online that might pay for any of my pictures. I didn't go down that route but I did find an advert for a site called 'adult friend finder'. After many years of having very little and even then bad sex, meeting N had made me remember that I am a sexual woman. I enjoy sex and quite honestly wanted more. With trepidation I created a profile never thinking for one moment that anyone would be interested in me, especially considering all the nubile young women on offer. But I was wrong, I was inundated with offers. I had a few dates and even had sex with some of them. Then there was Pip. Pip comes from deepest Thomas Hardy country, he had grown up in the village my grandparents had retired to 35 years ago. I remember a fair few holidays down there so Pip and I had these memories to compare. We talked a few times then he showed me his picture. I was not impressed but not wanting to be shallow I thought I would continue chatting. Then he told me he had a week off work and wanted to meet me for lunch near The Other city which is where he works. So on the appointed day I drove over to The Other city and met him at a pub restaurant on the outskirts of the city.



The day before we met he had text me that he really liked me and if it wasn't being too pushy he might like to kiss me!!!



Too pushy my foot!! Well it was very sweet of him but really that was not what this was all about. Anyway back to lunch, we met he bought me a very nice lunch but as we sat eating I found him soooooooooboring I was just looking around I couldn't keep my attention on him however much I tried, I certainly couldn't maintain eye contact......there was just no chemistry at all. After lunch we moved to the comfortable sofa's with our drinks. He kissed me, if I remember right I moved so that he kissed my cheek. I just did not dig this guy at all, but I was feeling so bad that not only had he bought me lunch but had driven an hour to get there. then he got the idea that we should leave the pub, as we went out to the carpark he led me over to show me his new car ...don't ask me what it was I don't remember. We sat in the front talking, I phoned my friend to find out what time she needed me to pick up ET to get him to cricket (I didn't need to do that but it gave me a reason to escape in half an hour).



Pip persuaded me to get into the back with him where he tried to kiss me some more. there was one time when he said to me........



'Youknow you can put your arm around me if you like......... I think I have taught you something new today........I have given you a french kiss'



yuk yuk yuk....he might have tried to give me a french kiss but I was not co-operating. He actually thought I was very innocent. but in all this the funniest thing was when one of the waiters walked up through the car park, he could obviously see Pip pawing me. I was sat bolt upright staring forward. Pip had his back to the carpark so didn't see the look on the waiter's face. A few minutes later another waiter went passed this time laughing and doing the thumbs up to me.......I so wanted to do a thumbs down back. I know I shouldn't have let things get to this situation, I was just too soft .........no pun intended there but I will let it stay.



Eventually I made my escape unharmed in anyway but my dignity. but by the time I got home from my friend's house Pip had already text me that he liked me very much. Later as I was chatting online to my friend connor I got an IM from Pip, I tried to put him off, but he was adamant that he thought I was lovely and he wanted to see me again preferably tomorrow. I logged off and continued chatting to connor on a different msn profile. Pip was texting me that he liked me so much. I tried to let him down by texting him that I was worried about his feelings for me, that I wasn't ready for this. That is when the first email arrived.



sorry LiR i,v balls this up havent i , tell you the truth i,v been bit depressed last few days think it had somthing to do with my ex getting married i was upset that she,s got a happy famile life again .i like to think it wasnt that but cant think of any other reason so yes i was an idiot pushed you to hard im sorry can i have another chanch please we can have an healthy sex relationship, if you like that isi,ll understand if you dont want to see me again fuck it im such a idiot sorry x pip



wtf!! this guy thinks he pushed me too hard by kissing me, that I am very innocent and hes suggesting we have a sex relationship!!



I waited about 24 hours before I replied to him, I tried to make it out that it was all me not him, I didn't want to hurt him, I was still feeling bad that he had bought me lunch. Hey I have got better at this now....that was two years ago. I was feeling confident that this would be the end of it and he would be history. But I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for what followed.



thanks LiR i now know how you feel now . i shall tell you the truth now i am into swinging i do go out and meet other women and do have a girl friend thats who i go on holiday with. she see,s other men aswell, that the life im living at the moment so you see you had no worrys we could of had good sex together booked into traval lodges, i was right about feeling depressd you did catch me in a bad way that day, not knowing what i wanted from you sorry i lead you on i feel such a rat as i usally do when meeting someone new, as im in love with alli only prob is she doesnt feel the sameway so thats the mess my lifes in, we seam to be quite a pair dont we so i know you wont ever want to see me again now youv read this, so take care hun have fun hope you find what your looking for, lovely to have meet you, your very nice xxx pip



Now there is no way in this world that I am going to believe this.

I don't remember if I ever replied to this but I do remember that he continued to contact me. One day he was trying to chat while I was chatting to Connor, I told him what had been going on and connor just as a joke said he was surprised that I hadn't put pip in contact with 'the bitch' (pip had asked if I knew any women who might be into swinging). then the devil got into me and I said I might know someone, who actually lives a little nearer to him than I do. shes 100 miles from me. I showed him the picture I had on my computer (connor thinks it ugly) but pip was quite taken so I told him the town where she lives. For days he pestered me for her email and phone number. Eventually I owned up and told him that she was no friend of mine, I made him promise that if I gave him her email addy he wouldn't let on it was me that gave it to him. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to meet her, even when I told him she had been my love rival.



weeks went by and as it happened N had got back in touch and thats another story altogether, but as it happened I ended up staying over night at his place. the next day I got a text from pip....telling me that.....



'that 'the bitch' is a right cow and i'm having nothing to do with her'



so he had made contact then........I couldn't help laugh



I never heard from him again thank heavens.



most people think I am lovely but I do have an evil streak in me lmao



maybe one day I will tell you about my plot to have revenge on N (but I have grown up now...well perhaps just a tiny bit).

is it good?

While I am sitting here waiting for Romeo to come online I am listening to some of my music when it reached this song which ET sent to me, as he thought I would like it, several weeks ago. Every time I hear this song it makes me think about Romeo. Yes I know it doesn't take much to get my mind into that particular space. I really want to share this with Romeo but I shall wait. Anyway I thought whilst I was waiting I would share it with my blogger friends. I hope you like it as much as I do. I know I am a bit behind the times and many of you probably know the singer and his songs much better than I do.

Some of you may be surprised to find that I have done a few new posts on my other blogs. I am trying to keep my creative writing to Lady in Red Writes rather than posting it here. I have not been writing much creatively for many months but I am beginning to find more inspiration. I was chatting to my boss today and I mentioned that I am considering taking on a part time job a couple of evenings or a few hours at the week ends to top up my salary. She told me that I would be better off concentrating on my writing. She really admires the writing I have allowed her to see. This would not be the solution to my money problems in the short term but could be in the longer term however it is the short term I am most concerned with. Perhaps I should follow DJ's advice and writ a book of short stories as I don't think I have a whole novel inside my head at the moment although you never know what inspiration I may get in the future.

Having said that I am trying to keep most of my creative writing on LiR writes I have written a piece you might enjoy which is on Battle to find myself.

I am completely stunned!! when I was divorcing SF he kept saying he didn't want to be a 'weekend father' (I thought this would be an improvement). He lives just ten minutes walk away with his g/f (Village Idiot) and her mother and daughter. Ok so there is an injunction stopping him from coming to our house. He has invited our boys to his new home once and that was at my suggestion (lunch on boxing day). Now every Thursday is his day off from work. It is the school holidays, perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with his sons. So he arranged to take the boys to the cinema in the city and lunch at a chinese restaurant. Yes he took them to the city by train. (He has never applied to get his licence back after he was done for being 4 x over the limit). He paid for them to watch the film of their choice while he and his new family went for lunch at the restaurant. Apparently the boys had some chocolate for lunch and the offer of some money for a take away in the evening (it wasn't forthcoming). Will he be in the running for 'father of the year' I don't think so.