I am really sorry that I felt I had no choice but to tell Oxo that I won't see him again. This wasn't the first time. I told him in May that I wasn't going to see him any more as I just wanted to see one man. It wasn't that, that man had asked me not to see anyone else, if anything he encouraged me to still see others but I just didn't want to. Oxo was very good about it at the time saying that he hoped the man I liked would treat me well.
One night I was bored and sent a joke by text to various men that I know. Some replied others didn't, that didn't matter. But Oxo replied, he obviously thought I had sent the joke to him alone. we got chatting and he asked to see me again. I can't remember now if I saw him that night or if it was soon after. I hadn't seen the man I liked for a few weeks so I went to see Oxo. That was the first time I stayed at his place but I rushed home first thing in the morning in the hope of getting back before the boys woke.
We chatted a few days later and agreed that we would go back to seeing each other from time to time. Unless either of us got serious with anyone. It was agreed that either of us could call the other and ask for sex, we came up with a code word which meant that if we both said yes I would arrive at his place 1.5 hrs later and stay over. Over the next few months Oxo used the code word quite a few times but I often turned him down for various reasons. I like him but was still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him again. But I did spend several saturday nights and once, a week night at his place. those sunday mornings chatting and drinking mug after mug of hot tea were very cosy. He was more than willing for me to stay at his place mid week, going straight to work from there the next morning but I only did that once.
since I made the declaration that I wanted to be a one man woman I have struggled with the idea of still seeing Oxo. Part of me wanted to continue but a bigger part was saying no that would go against my decision. whenever Oxo asked me over in the last few weeks I was making excuses not to go. when we had first come up with the code word idea we both agreed that there would be no pressure. If one of us didnt want to meet up for an reason then that was cool. But in reality, everytime I said no he tried to persuade me. so when it came to telling him that there would be no more I just kept putting it off. But now that meeting Neptune is becoming imminent and I really want to give that a chance if there is one. I felt I had no choice but to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. He asked if it was because I want a long term relationship, he has knwn since the beginning that that was my ultimate aim. Months ago he told me that he only wants nsa for now but that it could develope into a relationship later on as he thinks I am perfect apart from the small matter of my sons. But even if he had wanted a relationship, I know that he isn't the man for me.
So last night I told him. I was worried that his silence was a bad sign. But when I said I hoped we would still be friends he said ..........ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart.
I found that really hard. I don't want him waiting around for me.
I don't know if Neptune and I will even like each other when we meet. Maybe we won't in which case I shall be right back where I started, but I don't think I will be calling Oxo, although it is a comforting idea to know that I could go running back to him if this doesn't work.
“Doing” a Doctorate – week 33
1 day ago