Thursday, 18 October 2007

thursday

thursday so far has been a better day.

work was fine although I got accused of trying to look intelligent as I was wearing my reading glasses. I don't often wear them, I have had them for a year and not yet got used to them. They are fine for looking at the screen but where I have to keep looking down at the orders I am reading, then at the screen( I am not a touch typist) it isn't much better than not wearing them. then I have to remember to take them off to walk about otherwise I would land in the warehouse rather than walking down the stairs. I was wearing them today as I had woken up with a niggly headache. Not unusual when I have had a disagreement with anyone. as the day went by the headache began to ease.

When I got home I found several messages from Neptune. Vi I can now tell you that the song he chose was 'Little sister' by Elvis ......... I really should have known it would be an Elvis song as he told me weeks ago that he is a fan of Elvis. He has also said that he would like to meet and thinks it would be fun. He can't meet this weekend but has suggested the Town/city where we could meet. so this has cheered me up. I was afraid that maybe I had been putting up too many barriers and he was just being polite. I said to Forest the other day that I was afraid I would not be good enough. Forest wisely suggested that I should let Neptune decide for himself whether I was good enough, I shouldn't make that decision for him.

No matter what has occurred in recent weeks, I still regard Forest as a friend. We are now able to talk without treading on eggshells. I do believe that friends, good friends should be able to be honest with each other. But this does not mean trampling on a friend's feelings with size 12 hob nailed boots. I think forest and I can remain friends I do enjoy chatting with him but I think we need to agree not to discuss what did/did not happen between us. We agreed the other day that sex had got in the way of our friendship. Unfortunately the conversation got around to dodgy ground and for me the wounds of last month were re opened and the knife twisted. I really don't think forest meant to hurt me with what he was saying. I just think that he didn't think about the implications of what he said. when I said goodbye on wednesday morning I signed off with a kiss ( nothing unusual in that). I wanted to rise above the hurt and pretend everything was alright. but during the following hours my mind kept going back to how those words made me feel.
It wasn't the words themselves it was what I percieved them to mean and how that affects any future relationship I may want. As I said on my wednesday post I go from one extreme to the other. Anyone who is a regular reader will know that throughout the late spring and summer I adored Forest and would not hear anything against him. I wore my heart on my sleeve. My reaction to finding out that my feelings had been so badly misplaced is to build barriers and show that I am not too eager and I wont be wearing my heart on my sleeve again too soon. I know this is something I have done in the past and am trying to overcome. This I think is at the route of why I felt the way I did about the conversation I had on wednesday morning. I felt that it had put me back in turmoil not knowing where I go from here. should I carry on being honest about my feelings, should I let my head be ruled by my heart and keep getting hurt, trampled on and mistreated. Or should I shield my heart, put up barriers and keep any prospective future partners at arms length and run the risk of never meeting anyone because I appear to be too cold, too distant.
I try to be honest at all times and I hope that shows in my blog. I am sure that forest can think back over the past year and know that anything I say about my feelings are an honest reflection of how I am feeling. He has been there for me through a lot of ups and downs over the past year. But I also believe that in being honest I always try not to say anything that will hurt anyone else. I am sorry that forest feels aggrieved by what I wrote this morning. I still say that I was hurt but I am sorry that in my expressing my hurt this has upset someone who I care about.

Now this evening I have been out. It is that time of year again. It is time to do the round of ............college open evenings. Having gone through this last autumn with OJ it is now the turn of ET to decide what he wants to do next year and where. He has an idea that he would like to go into music technology and computing. I may be wrong but I get the idea his aim is to get into music production. where DC loves to make music ET wants to be on the technical team producing it. One thing about these rounds of college open evenings .........they bring it home that the boys are growing up and this time next year I shall have three sons who have left school!!!! how can I possibly be old enough ???

My baby JA has been on an adventure day today. rock climbing, low ropes, tunnelling, he has had a good but tiring day. he slept for a couple of hours when he got home. Now that means he doesnt want to go to bed. he has been telling me that he is being bullied at school. this would be alarming but it turns out that what he means is he goes upto ET and friends annoying them. they are the ones he says are bullying him but I gather from his cheeky grin that this is just playful.


PS
It might seem that I recover very quickly from deep hurt. This is because I talk/write it out of my system. In the distant past I buried my feelings and told no one how I felt. Doing this made me ill and put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I get it off my chest and move on instead of letting it fester. That is why blogging is such a good thing for me.

10 comments:

George said...

Does wearing glasses make you look intelligent? Then I must be one smart dude.

Why don't you just meet him and show him the regular you ... he'll like what he hears and sees

Lady in red said...

thanx George......... I will meet him....... a lot of my doubts are about my body image. It has also been harder this time because I have been hiding my sexuality from him. I have got used to using this when getting to know new men. but this time I want to be wanted for me not for what I can do.

DJ Kirkby said...

have forgotten everything else I was going to say in my relief that JA isnt being bullied!

her indoors said...

friends mean a lot to us and if you can have a friend who can be there for you anytime then keep hold of him, and of course we do sometimes say things that will be heard not as we meant it to but a true friend will ride through.
glad you are going to meet neptune, he gotta be nice if he like Elvis mmmmmmmm. and so please the boy is not getting bullied whew

Lady in red said...

dj & HI being the youngest of 4 boys JA is quite used to standing up for himself. If he was bullied at school his older brother and friends would protect him. He is such a funny little fellow that all the older boys' friends like him even when hes being annoying. He thinks he is an equal to all the older boys even goes on sleep overs with the 17 year olds. they all treat him as one of the group.
He is quite popular with his own age group too.
last night Forest asked if I was ok, we chatted and are ok.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve honey. One day the right guy will be there to enjoy it.

Emma said...

Lady you are so much like me and if you have read my archives you will notice I always bottled things up, blogging has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

I have though turned into the woman surrounded by a brick wall which will take some breaking down..try and keep your heart on your sleeve if you can, because I sometimes feel like I don't have one anymore..xx

Lady in red said...

Vi I don't think I can stop myself anyway.

Emma I think I have read back as far as July. I am sure you not only have sleeves but very pretty ones too. I am sure I told you the other day that you are not the bitch you think otherwise you wouldnt care whether you had hurt portly man.

HI do you want me to ask if he likes Cliff too as I know that would endear any man to you lmao

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