New Direction

This has been a better week, not great but better. I have been in a better place, knowing that although my case has not yet been resolved, it is going to be looked into. I might yet have to pay back every penny that I have allegedly been over paid. I don't know how anyone can be certain about the final figure. It seems to me that the TCO are incapable of consistently calculating the correct figures. How else could they come up with different figures on two consecutive days using the same information. I have finally received the dispute form that I to complete. I have read the accompanying booklet which explains in detail both their responsibilies and those of u mere mortal who believe they are there to help us afford to work. It is my belief that I have always given the correct information within the reqired time scales. Whenever I have received paperwork that I either didn't agree with or understand I was straight on the phone that same day. Anyway I feel so much better simply because I am not accepting that I have to pay this money. In the meantime I have increased my personal loan to give me soe breathing space. I got confirmation on Thursday that the loan has gone through.



The new old romance with Oxo that started up again so suddenly, ended just as quickly. Less than 72 hrs in total. I was pissed off at the way it ended but not overly bothered. On the evening of the day that that particular relationship ended I was already due to go out with some of the girls from work. A chat with forest involved a request to visit him after my evening out. 7.30pm I set off with PB on the short walk to our local Tandoori restaurant. I was wearing jeans and my Purple top with black beads on the shoulders. I decided to wear my black beaded shoes (a favourite pair that I have worn many times). But day in and day out for months I have worn open sandals, wearing y shoes with bare feet was a mistake. By the time we joined our friends (6 of us in all) my heels were blistered. We had a lovely evening, but by 9.45 we were all ready to go home. My feet were very sore so I ended up walking 2/3 of the way home bare foot. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered just how badly injured my heels were. I text Forest to let him know that I wouldn't be visiting him. I told him that my evening had been nice as had been the rum, wine and baileys that I had drunk. He was disapointed but agreed that I should not try to drive.



When my colleagues saw my poor cut heels I soon gained a new nickname........scabby cow (ok it was me who said it first).



I am not entirely sure how my thoughts progressed as I was driving home from work but I know I started off thinking that adult education classes start again in september and I really should do something (even if it mean asking my mother to pay for it for me ..not something I like to do). I could go back to creative writing classes, that would force me to do more writing but isn't exactly very active. I revived my contemplation of whether Belly dancing could be the way for me to go.....perhaps I could try a weekend session. I began thinking about doing something which would get me out of the house and meeting new people. Somewhere along the line I came up with an idea, one that had never occurred to me before. An idea that most of you will find unexpected if not a little odd. But if you knew more about my life growing up in Kent you might be less suprised.



When I got home I went online to find local clubs, there are about 8 within a few miles. I checked out a few of the websites, read about training coures. What each club has to offer, membership fees, club houses. I gathered that the various club houses are open on saturday and sunday lunchtimes and evenings as well as weekday evenings. They all have regular social events. They all encourage people to visit them to find out more. So having done a bit of homework I made a choice, I didn't discuss it with anyone, choosing to keep it to myself until I had been there. At lunch time today I parked in the small carpark beside the clubhouse, climbed the stairs to the small bar where I was welcomed by a very friendly bearded man. I told him I had come to have a look at them. That my family are growing up and it is now time for me to find a new interest. He asked me if I had done this before.



Not since I was a child



Not very long ago then



He seemed friendly, there were not too many people there, so I couldn't really get a feel for what they are like but reading through the most recent issue of the club magazine I think it could be good for me. Later I called round to see my mother and after a while I told her about my idea, he thinks I should do it.



I am still thinking about it, I don't know if I will do this, I might have to be extra nice to my mum, not that I am ever anything else.



Watch this space

Being pro active

I wouldn't want to go through the last week again in a hurry.

Nearly everyday I received at least one new statement from the TCO (tax credit office). Each day the amount of my alleged over payment was mounting. There is absolutely no way that I could both pay my rent and feed my family on the money I was left with. By wednesday I had no cereal, bread or milk left in the house, under £1 in my purse and not enough fuel to get to work and back. I managed to concoct some food for my evening meal but didn't manage to keep it down. I had earlier been thinking about taking a day off on Thursday because I needed a break. But I had decided to have the day off on Friday instead and make it a long weekend. But now that I was poorly I was forced to stay at home on both Thursday and Friday.

I spent a lot of Thursday and Friday in tears. It has been a long time since I was so down. But even though I was feeling so very low, I was determined not to just accept the situation. Letters were written to TCO and my local MP with a further copy being emailed to Tessa Jowell in her role as HM Paymaster General. Time was spent scanning all the statements onto the computer. I applied for and was accepted for a top up on my personal loan (with my monthly repayments increasing by just £7). I felt so much better for being pro active. I don't know if I can over turn or perhaps reduce the alleged over payments but at least I have tried to do something about it.

During this time I have also had some long heart to heart emails with a guy I have been in contact with for a few weeks. The upshot of all this is that he disagrees with all the advice that women have about men. The main thing being that women should just be themselves and not give the impression of being too strong. Strong women scare men away, men like to feel protective. I know he is right, my friend PB and her husband of more than 20 years split for this very reason. He felt he wasn't needed by his strong independent wife.

Talking of men, there has been a very unexpected twist in the tale. Two years ago I was seeing Forest but so infrequently that I was also seeing Oxo. Not long after my bust up with Forest I alo stopped seeing Oxo. It did take some time before he accepted that I wasn't going to be persuaded to see him any more. I had decided by then that I was ready to have a proper relationship. Oxo told me that he would wait for me. I knew he liked me a lot, but he wasn't interested in having a relationship.

On Saturday night I had been reading a message on one of the dating sites when I saw a photo that I recognised. It was Oxo, I sent him a very brief message using the code word we had used . Although he didn't recognise the photo of me with my glasses he knew straight away that it was me. A couple of emails and phone calls later he was telling me that he had thought we had something special before I went off and found myself a romance. He wants me back but I told him that I am only looking for a relationship not just a casual fling. We have agreed to give it a try. I don't know how this will pan out but only time will tell.

memory lane and other lanes

I had a trip down memory lane this morning whilst at work I might add.
A phone call from one of our customers, it is standard practice to ask the customer for their postal address so that we can make sure we have the right customer account. I was quite intrigued to see that this customer's postal address indicated that it was not far from the place where I was born. We talked about this place.


We talked about the hospital where I was born, his own children were born in the same hospital. He told me that this hospital is about to be torn down and replaced with houses.
We then went on to discuss the town where our customer is based. It is the same town where I spent many many hours during my childhood, both my mother and her brother went to school in this town. My late uncle, who was killed in a road accident in Texas where he had lived for a number of years, just a week before his step daughter gave birth to her first child. Attended this school.

I have grown up knowing that another 'old boy' of this Grammar School was this man. I remember many walks through the park ending at the paddling pool in the summers. Or walking my grandparents beloved labrador retriever cross Candy through the wooded areas of the common. I went on to mention the village where my grandparents lived. To my utter surprise this man told me he is going there this evening to visit a friend who has one of the farms. I described the location of the house where I spent many happy times, he knew exactly where I meant. It was a lovely trip down memory lane and I feel also forged a closer link with this particular customer ....... 'good customer relations' I believe this is called.

It was a good day at work, but then for me most days are good. I don't allow myself to get stressed in anyway, I am getting much better at what I do and even managing to solve problems without having to keep asking for help. The good weather helps to improve the mood all around.

Last night I was feeling very low, emotionally drained. As I mentioned yesterday I chatted to Thomas but didn't feel much cheered. However he was waiting for me online this morning as prepared for work. We chatted again and my spirits were much better. It occurred to me that since last summer the two of us have chatted from time to time, generally for a couple of days then nothing for weeks. He seems to be there on days when I am in need of cheering up, this he has done and I doubt I shall hear from him again for some time. Out of all the men I met during the year I was playing the field Thomas was one of those who has made the biggest impression on me along with Swinger and Mr Passionate. Forest and Oxo also made huge impressions on me but those three are the ones I was closest to. I should include SL as he took me on a journey I wouldn't have taken on my own, but he cut me off in a way I may be able to forgive but not forget. After all who likes to be replaced by a younger model and only finding out when someone else tells you. Anyway finding Thomas online waiting for me at 6am was just the tonic this girl needed. Oh and the much awaited text that came at 8.19am that put a smile on my face.

Naughty Lady

Oh dear I have been a bad Lady
I have been neglecting my blog
Is it because I have been playing happy families ........... No not really
Is it because I have been busy with my love life..............No although Oxo rang me last night
It is because I have become addicted
I have found something that has taken me by suprise and taken me over
Oh I did write a post on here on friday but ET decided that he was going to use the computer and logged me off while I was getting a drink
I have not been completely out of communication in the last week
I have chatted to several bloggers by text or msn
I have also chatted to Harvey, Fireman Sam and Oxo not forgetting Neptune
but what has taken me over
Facebook!!
I got sucked into it a few months ago just dipping in every now and again not really figuring it out
But over the last few days I got chatting to some guys on an application called Flirty
yes I was doing what I know how to do flirting
One guy (Hector) has chatted so much that on friday night we chatted and chatted until at 4.30am I figured there was no point in going to bed
we were still chatting at 9.45am when I had to go out
But we didn't chat again until sunday because I was so tired the rest of saturday that I was sleeping until I started being sick (same bug my baby had xmas day and OJ on friday)
today sunday it has taken me all day to catch up with all the invites I have been gettig from my new friends.
So I apologise for neglecting my friends on here but I have been having fun

Crushing Oxo

I am really sorry that I felt I had no choice but to tell Oxo that I won't see him again. This wasn't the first time. I told him in May that I wasn't going to see him any more as I just wanted to see one man. It wasn't that, that man had asked me not to see anyone else, if anything he encouraged me to still see others but I just didn't want to. Oxo was very good about it at the time saying that he hoped the man I liked would treat me well.

One night I was bored and sent a joke by text to various men that I know. Some replied others didn't, that didn't matter. But Oxo replied, he obviously thought I had sent the joke to him alone. we got chatting and he asked to see me again. I can't remember now if I saw him that night or if it was soon after. I hadn't seen the man I liked for a few weeks so I went to see Oxo. That was the first time I stayed at his place but I rushed home first thing in the morning in the hope of getting back before the boys woke.

We chatted a few days later and agreed that we would go back to seeing each other from time to time. Unless either of us got serious with anyone. It was agreed that either of us could call the other and ask for sex, we came up with a code word which meant that if we both said yes I would arrive at his place 1.5 hrs later and stay over. Over the next few months Oxo used the code word quite a few times but I often turned him down for various reasons. I like him but was still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him again. But I did spend several saturday nights and once, a week night at his place. those sunday mornings chatting and drinking mug after mug of hot tea were very cosy. He was more than willing for me to stay at his place mid week, going straight to work from there the next morning but I only did that once.

since I made the declaration that I wanted to be a one man woman I have struggled with the idea of still seeing Oxo. Part of me wanted to continue but a bigger part was saying no that would go against my decision. whenever Oxo asked me over in the last few weeks I was making excuses not to go. when we had first come up with the code word idea we both agreed that there would be no pressure. If one of us didnt want to meet up for an reason then that was cool. But in reality, everytime I said no he tried to persuade me. so when it came to telling him that there would be no more I just kept putting it off. But now that meeting Neptune is becoming imminent and I really want to give that a chance if there is one. I felt I had no choice but to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. He asked if it was because I want a long term relationship, he has knwn since the beginning that that was my ultimate aim. Months ago he told me that he only wants nsa for now but that it could develope into a relationship later on as he thinks I am perfect apart from the small matter of my sons. But even if he had wanted a relationship, I know that he isn't the man for me.

So last night I told him. I was worried that his silence was a bad sign. But when I said I hoped we would still be friends he said ..........ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart.
I found that really hard. I don't want him waiting around for me.

I don't know if Neptune and I will even like each other when we meet. Maybe we won't in which case I shall be right back where I started, but I don't think I will be calling Oxo, although it is a comforting idea to know that I could go running back to him if this doesn't work.

catching up

ok here we go
Sunday started with the blocked toilet yuk and of course there is only one person who gets the dubious delights of sorting that little problem out, getting used to it now, must have done this about half a dozen times in the last two years, thank heavens it wasn't Saturday morning.

Later in the day I went over to see my mum on the way to do the weekly shop that I hadn't done on Saturday. She is having her hall, stairs and landing painted, so wanted help to move the grandfather clock. I am so glad there was no one there with a camera. I must have looked a right sight. Managed to slide the clock along the floor to the dinning room door. Problem one, the door frame isn't high enough. Ok so there I am stood one foot either side of it, mother and her crutch behind the clock. shes holding the back up as I pull the bottom forward to allow it to tilt backwards.
problem two, I am now stuck, straddling the bloody thing with my arms wrapped around it to stop it from falling. Top half now in dining room, I want to push the bottom half backwards so that it can be stood upright again. But instead of pushing the top up mother is letting it drop. Now I am really stuck (and all the time remembering it cost her a lot of money and time to get it fixed the last time it stopped working after she moved house......its temperamental). I am now bent double arms around the middle of this great weight still one leg on either side. finally we lower the clock to the ground and push it so that it is completely in the dining room then I managed to get it back upright.....I can't quite remember how I managed that on my own. We got it into a corner out of the way. Now my mum tells me she has arranged for my brother to collect it, him and his wife are going to have it.
I ended my evening chatting to Sammy which lead to some cam fun
No Vi the candle wax had nothing to do with Sammy, we had some good dirty fun but not with any wax although I did show him what I had been using in his absence ...........my new best friend (my electric toothbrush and me have become well aquainted in recent nights)

after we said goodnight it was time to wrap up birthday presents. Do you think I could find any sticky tape? I had earlier asked the other boys if they knew where it was. I thought I would try the glue stick instead. No way was that going to stick.........it has about as much stick to it as a lump of jelly, zilch nothing no way was it going to work
Ah bright idea, I am looking at my nails thinking they really need to be done when it strikes me that I could glue the paper down with nail varnish. If you ever decide to try it don't bother it doesn't work. I go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.........nothing at all of any use but I do get another idea
candle wax!! use the wax to seal it down, I have candles in my room. find lighter, light two candles, drip the wax onto the underside of the wrapping paper where I want it to stick........nothing doing.
I give up......put the wrapped presents into a bag to keep them together until the morning.


Ouch I just told Oxo that I won't be seeing him as I want to give it a chance with Neptune. I said I hope we can still be friends

ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart

now I feel awful, but I couldn't let him keep asking me to go over there when it isn't what I want.

Sammy and others

It is looking more likely that I shall be having a weekend away very soon. I have been discussing with Sammy the possibilities of sharing a pillow for a night. I would love to meet up with cake while I'm in that area but knowing my luck it will coincide with one of her weekends away.

It is also now looking promising for 1st December to join Pixie and others for her christmas party. Negotiations with #4 son are going well, once he realised that I will be here when he opens his presents that was all he was worried about. There was never any question of me not being here for that (thats if I can afford to get him anything) maybe I will get him a few packs of blue tack......he loves the stuff for some reason.

I didn't get to see Mr Passionate after all this week, but he assures me we will get together soon. When we do I am going to let him know that I won't see him any more. but of course I shall wait until we have had our fun before I tell him this.

I was also meant to spend a night of pampering with Oxo on thursday but both of us suddenly found we couldn't manage it. I am quite relieved to be honest. I do like him and we are good together but he was worrying me when we chatted on tuesday. He is determined to overcome the problem of my lack of depth when it comes to intercourse. Although not ideal this is not too great a problem with anyone else. I am now beginning to feel that I shall tell him I won't be seeing him again. I had wanted to do this face to face but maybe now I shall tell him on msn.

I dont know where I am............ but thats ok

I have tried unsuccessfully not to think about forest too much while he is away.
I have tried to occupy myself
I have tried to remove him from my mind
I have tried searching dating sites for someone to replace him
I have chatted on msn
I have had text conversations
I have exchanged emails

I have not been frantic
I have not been in a panic
I have not been throwing myself at every available man
I have not been totally good
I have not been terribly naughty either
I have not kept Forest from my mind

In the past week I have had offers
Oxo asked me to visit him and stay over I declined
Fireman Sam has hinted and I said maybe
Fireman Sam has even asked me to play with him I declined
Rusty has teased me with his text
Rusty has requested a repeat of our previous meeting I can't decide
Do these men think that I am avoiding them personally

I want to keep occupied
I dont want to think
yet I feel disinclined to accept these offers
it isn't that I have gone off sex
It isn't that I am saving myself
I just don't feel in a space where sex is everything
I feel as though these offers are something I can take or leave
I am choosing to leave for the moment and just be here
I leave my boys while I indulge in pleasure often enough
for the moment I shall just be here with them

I am not feeling the peaks and troughs that go with passion
I am feeling serene and calm
no need to rock the boat
I am happy just chatting, texting and emailing
I am connecting with friends old and new
just being me

I am trying to work out what I want
I am trying to work out what I dont want
I am lost without emotion
but that is ok

while the cat is away.........

George has asked me if it will be a long three weeks while Forest is away. I have to say that there is the potential for it to be very long. After all I was climbing the walls when I couldn't contact him for 2 weeks. Now I know he is away for 3 weeks it did hurt when I found his message. Not because he is away, I don't begrudge him a holiday, he is very hard working not just in his work but in his private life too. I am assuming that he has taken his children away with him, I could never wish him not to spend time with his children who he cares for very much, this is so obvious when he talks about them. What hurt was the way he told me, but more than anything that he left it until the last minute to tell me. He probably did this for one of two reasons, either it didn't occur to him until the last minute to tell me, then realised that I would go crazy if I didn't hear from him for that length of time without knowing the reason. Or he didn't want to tell me before as he was worried about how I would react to the news that he would be away. I would have reacted much better if he had told me before. I would have like to ask him where he was going what it is like there etc. Now I am wondering if it will occur to him to send me a postcard he had better not say he couldn't as he doesn't know my address. He has been here a few times, I had to give him my address for him to find my house.

Anyway onto the subject of the next three weeks for me.
Ronjazz has told me that I only need to be true to myself not anyone else. He is right and I have to say that my decision to behave myself and nor see others was because that was how I wanted it not because any man had asked me not to see anyone else. All the men I see including Forest are happy for me to see others (or at least thats what they say).So for a few months I saw forest then gradually began to see Oxo again. Then Mr Passionate crept back into bed with me last week. You know that thing the more you have the more you want. Well in the last week I have seen 2 men that I hadn't seen before, I am making plans to see Thomas again. I am due to see another man Rusty this week also. Although we have not met already we began chatting last year and did arrange to meet at one point but his business meeting over ran and we just never got around to rearranging the date until now. So far from crying myself asleep every night I think maybe I shall be too busy to worry too much about what was his name again?

Dark master has plans to have me spanked when his sex slave comes over from Canada. He has spoken to her about it and they want to make my fantasy story 'her suprise' come true. Rusty has plans for me to be tied and teased. I am sure that in the next few weeks I shall see both Oxo and Fireman Sam my fuck buddies. Thomas is organising time to see me, we have agreed that the fantasy of the knight and his lady is over. This is now an illicit affair between two real people. He is concerned that as he is as good as married I will give him the bums rush (that is not what I have planned for his bum). So I think while the cat is away this mouse will be playing hard and may even be too knackered to see him on his return.

Male harem

Is there a word that equals harem when attached to men as opposed to women?

I have just been chatting to Thomas formally known as my knight. we were discussing the men in my life. I described them as the male equivalent to a harem. In the past I have talked of my stable of men.

I had thought that sometimes men runaway from me. they enjoy being with me but suddenly bolt like frightened cats. This I put down to them not really liking me as much as they could. But I am beginning to realise now that I was wrong. They run because they do like me. It isn't me that frightens them but their own feelings towards me. Thomas has just promised that he wont do it again. He hadn't realised that I had noticed that was what he had done.

which best describes what I have harem or stable or is there a better way to collectively describe my men.

He tells me

He tells me I am a gorgeous kisser
he says he wants me and wants me and wants me


He tells me I am a great kisser and very sexy, we do have great sex together


He tells me I am perfect, he loves my sexy voice, the only thing wrong with me is that I have kids


He tells me I am the sweetest person he knows


He tells me I am a sweet girl


He tells me nothing just holds me close, kisses me and makes me feel happy

how many ?

how many men can a girl see in a week without being greedy

I have been good for months now, ok ok maybe not as pure as driven snow but still I have only seen Forest and thats only been about once a month. so what is a girl to do when she gets lonely and there is a nice guy who adores her. Of course every few weeks she takes comfort not only in his arms but in his bed too. so thats Forest and Oxo. there is no one else or is there.

At work today two of the girls asked me if I had a nice date last night and without thinking I said which one. Oooops I had to say that I had a drink with one man then later visited another. I didnt say that I stayed over night. They asked me which is the one you really like then? Oh well thats someone else. So I made a quick retreat back to my desk before the questions got going, they were already saying so you are seeing more than one man then, my reply was 2. well I am only 'seeing' 2. the other men in my life are friends aren't they ?

I was exchanging emails with OG the otherday and she was saying she gets confused about all my men so maybe I should list them on here as I did for her.

my men = 1) Forest mmmmmmmmmmmm friend turned lover

2) Oxo fuck buddy seen him 4 times

3) Mr Passionate (was PL) married lover from last autumn not seen since feb but we both want to when we get chance ......the one married man I couldnt give up

4) Damien = my spanking master

5) JJ is poss Dom, wants to tie me up spank me and then get sexual. there is talk of me having a session with both of these two. see 'Shock' on kindred

6) N ex boyfriend now trying to get me back again (no chance)

there are no other players in my life at the moment. although there may be someone new on the horizon soon. (been chatting to one or two new guys ......

does this help...............in last 4 months have only had 5 shags (4 oxo and 1 forest)

sorry that should now be 5 oxo

In the last few days I have managed to chat to Forest online a few times, I have now (today) told him that I am to be spanked. He says I am a naughty girl and probably deserve to be spanked.

I need to get showered now and prepare myself for my date with a new man who I shall call Chip. I have been chatting online with chip on and off since last summer. We got as far as arranging to meet once months ago. I can't remember now whether it was me or him who cancelled. We have not chatted for ages. On monday he began chatting again and by the end of the chat we had agreed to ahve the date we didn't have before.

So within a week I will have seen Damien, Oxo, Forest, FF and Chip........is this being greedy?

update

I doubt whether I shall hear from chip again, although a nice enough man there was nothing there and my face now hurts after over an hour of benign smiling!! Any one who knows me knows that when I get going I can talk and talk. In the whole time I was with chip I may have spoken for a minute possible 1 1/2 at a stretch.

life is good at the moment

I got paid today, so I paid my phone bill, filled up my car with petrol (now I stink of the stuffand it was hard to breathe without swallowing some). topped up the electricity key. managed to block my phone that I had just paid the bill for. (I forgot I changed the sim pin and turned the thing off by mistake!!) my sunglasses broke just when we get some sun!!

went out for a drink with married male friend. had text from Forest looking forward to our rendevous.

Now I'm off to spend night with Oxo ;-)

situation Vacant

I have a possible vacancy for a man to be by my side (well more accurately in my bed).

I had a husband, we shared a bed for 19 years but in the end I didn’t want to share the bed with him any more so I divorced him and bought a new bed. (the fact that the kids broke it within a few months is irrelevant). We went to court because he was harassing me and on a few occasions I thought he was going to kill me….he threatened to lots of times. But now we are able to be civil to each other again. Last week though he asked if we will ever get back together again…….I told him no.

I had a boyfriend, he has been in my life on and off for 18 months now. He messed me around. He was seeing someone else. He would stay with me for a few weeks then be with her for a few weeks. I thought I was in love with him, I fought to get him back. Eventually he hurt me too badly and I tried to forget him. Then after Christmas we got back together but I wasn’t keen, shouldn’t have agreed. But I wanted to sometimes not wake up alone so I put up with him. It wasn’t good, I no longer thought he was great in bed. His kisses didn’t melt my heart any more. I broke up with him but it took several months for him to accept. Then he wanted to be friends and chat on msn. Every time we spoke he would end up being rude, leaving me wanting to smack him one. Last night we spoke briefly and he was fine, no insults! He invited me over for a drink………I declined.

I have had a number of married men in the past year. The fact they are married means that we could never have more than a few stolen hours occasionally. I got lonely at night and on weekends so I decided to give up my married men. All but one anyway. How could I give up my Mr Passionate. He is as passionate about me as I am about him which is delicious. But I can’t ever see him at the times when I am lonely.

There have been other men, mostly they are too far away or the chemistry just wasn’t right. There is one who I see still. I like him he is kind, has his own home, lives far enough away but not too far. Sexually we are good together. He likes me to stay all night it is nice waking up with him on a Sunday morning. I felt like going to see him last Friday when I was feeling down. I know he would have comforted me, he would have made me feel wanted but I just couldn’t go. I felt that I would have been using him. It wouldn’t have felt right to be sleeping with him while my mind was with someone else. I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself which would have made it less pleasurable for him too. I know he wouldn’t have minded if I was using him. We both know that we are fuck buddies nothing more although he did say a few months ago that it was possible this could become a relationship eventually. This is not what I want though. He is nice, he is safe but he doesn’t light my fire.

I had a friend, we chatted often on msn when he was at work. He wanted to meet me but I was in no hurry and he wasn’t pushing for a date, just reminded me from time to time that he would like to do with me some of the things I was doing with others. He read my blogs often to keep up to date with what I had been doing when we hadn’t chatted for a while. After months we swapped mobile numbers, he warned me that he doesn’t have his switched on all the time. We began to text occasionally but mostly we still chatted on msn. After a few more months we met. I thought I was meeting a friend. In fact I met a very sexy man who completely bowled me over during our chat and consequent walk in the woods the following day. I think the world of him, he is my friend and lover. But timing has not been good since we first met. Either he has been very busy and not had time to chat on msn or I have not been able to get to the computer to chat. Now I work I am unable to chat with him. I have now discovered that he is not very communicative by phone. We do exchange text messages but not as much as I would like. But I accept that is just the way he is. He lost his phone for a couple of weeks which didn’t help, I was climbing the walls not being able to text him. But as always just when I start to think this is not working he will text me. He might not say much but he is caring and thoughtful. My friends tell me to forget him as he obviously isn’t interested he is just messing me about. But I don’t agree. I think he is just being himself, working hard and not being pushy. But I want him to be pushy, I want him to be masterful. In a way he is, he is the one in control here even if he doesn’t say much. I want to see him very much, my body craves the physical contact with him but more than anything it is my friend I miss when we are apart.
We have not seen each other since I went back to work about 5 weeks ago.

So anyway, there is a vacancy in my bed, maybe my sexy friend will fill it but maybe he won’t.

paranoid and irrational

no great words of wisdom today

I am in a sorry state today

been feeling sorry for myself all day

the torrential rain didn't help

not being busy at work didn't help

too much time to think

too many sad thoughts

paranoia setting in

I know he can't help it if his time is already committed

he can't make the meeting I asked for on the off chance

Oh well never mind is the reaction I gave

its the only logical reaction

but that wasn't enough

having spent all day thinking about whether he trully wants me

wanting to cry, but holding back

I tell him how hurt I am

that he must do better

yet my mind knows that he hasn't rejected me

it is me who is rejecting me for him

my warped mind that doesnt think I am good enough for him

my warped mind that thinks he is ashamed of me

It is me who wants him so bad that I cannot believe he might want me too

I thought about sendng Oxo the secret text message asking to see him

But to my mind I would be using him for comfort

when it is not his arms and lips I crave

I thought of texting PL to meet up before he goes to work

but I figured friday afternoon his wife would be home early

I thought of N but only for a second

I text FF we will meet soon

JJ text me

he is thinking of me while naked in his bed

yes this could be what I need

but neither of us are home alone

we agree to have fun next month when he will have more time

I guess all I can do now is


MY Rabbit

I tried him again a few days ago

just to see

if pleasure he will give to me

at last it seems to be better

he slides in with ease

and vibrates where before he did not reach!!

I must go now to my bed and my new friend

who with his long ears will titilate

and cause me to become wet

relaxation he will help me to find

before into a deep slumber I shall sink

this I shall now do I think

Scream

wandering along aisles filling up the trolley
with basic food rations for the week
neck feeling tender, bruises starting to come out
throbbing sensation still from beneath flowing skirt
can they tell, these other shoppers
that from her lover's bed she has arrived here
these things will ensure that for a few hours, days
her night will not soon be forgot
to wake up next to this now familiar body
to stroke his back as he stirs from his deep contented sleep
he turns and feels the wetness between her legs as his cock lands in her hand
within minutes he hovers over her as he enters her now pulsing pussy
still sore from the pounding of the early hours
he has made it his mission to reverse the closing of her vagina

"either my cock has shrunk or your cunt has got bigger"

"your cock has not shrunk"

as he pounds into her sometimes into her pussy
somestimes her ass
her thoughts turn to the other one
the one who has made her want to scream

on the way here there were text messages


sometimes you make me want to scream!!

screaming I hope x

in my head but once in the car with my radio up loud i shall scream

lucky u x

at least someone wants to be with me

touche turtle x x

not lucky me but lucky him

must be u too or no reason to x

maybe you dont think he is lucky, he will make me feel wanted, then I wont need to scream

it was u said u not lucky and screaming is good for u


this only made her want to scream even more, why cant he see that it is him she wants to be with
it is good to be with this man as he holds her and kisses and bites her
he fills her aching body
he gives her back her confidence
the confidence the other has been breaking down
the confidence that attracted him in the first place
but he does not make her heart lurch at the sight of him
he does not make her melt in his embrace
his kisses dont make her heart sing


now the sky has turned dark and there is thunder which suits the way she is feeling the thunder is the screaming in her head and the rain is the tears that she tries not to let fall

understanding

I had a long chat with Oxo last night

we are going to see more of each other

I don't know when or even if I shall see Forest again

So until one of us meets someone else we are going to see each other whenever we want to

we have devised a code where if one wants to we send a text that in one word
tells the other what we want and when

It will mean that I am the one having to travel but at least its comfortable and peaceful at his place

he is very understanding about my current physical limitations but is not phased by it ;-)