an afternoon at sea

As I said last time I posted on here I spent a lovely afternoon out sailing on Sailor's 32' racing yacht. Plumber came with us. I had only just introduced the two of them when the harbour master gave the all clear. It was a sudden scramble to cast off.
Out in the harbour then out into the sea


the skipper of the yacht

the other crew member
oh and yes I was there too

returning to the harbour

In the lock as we return to the mooring




It was a lovely afternoon with two great guys who had two things in common a love of sailing and ME!! I also caught the sun

catch up

Its been a while so here's a few things to catch up

My baby boy JA (he's now about 6" taller than me) has just two years left at school, when he goes back in September the hard work gets harder as he begins preparing for his GCSE's in 2012. At the start of the month he had a 5 day sailing course which much to my relief he loved.

ET how is it possible he is officially a man now at 18 but he will always be my timid little boy scared of everything. He is working part time at M & S for the summer then in September he is going back to college (I hope he sticks it out for longer than a term this time).

OJ is quite the independent young man at 19 son to be 20 he is doing well at Uni and is currently in Thailand with some of his Uni friends for 5 weeks. When he gets back here he will be moving into a house that he will be sharing with the same friends he is with now.

DC I don't see or hear much from him these days he is busy living his own life. He has also finished his first year at Ui and has already moved into a house with friends. He is also working through the summer (at last).

Mum is slowly recovering from her last knee op, she can now walk short distances without her stick, but she does suffer when she has done too much walking about. She drives short distances ie around out town and maybe to the adjoining town. But no further, her driving worries me and I always insist on driving whenever we go anywhere together. Last weekend I took her for an overnight visit to my grandmother in the Cotswolds.

Grandmother is now 91 and thankfully stopped driving last year. She still lives alone and seems to manage but her memory is not great. She talks a lot about her father and her sister. But also her little boy and her daughter. She asked me if I ever met her little boy (he was my dad). She cried when we were leaving ..........she doesn't think she will see me again.

SF is not my favourite person right now. In the last 3 months he has paid me only £50 towards the upkeep of our children. He is meant to give me £100 per month so he is £250 short. He says he has no money and anyway I earn more than him and have a laptop and run a car. I was thinking about going back to the CSA to get money from him when I received a letter from them advising of a new calculation of what he should be paying. I have called them asking that they collect the money from him. It would mean that he can't miss payments plus I would get more, not a lot but it all helps.

Sailor He is getting used to living on his own, spends a lot of time with his daughters and grandson. We see each other when we can, last weekend we went out sailing (with Plumber) it was the first time I had been out on the open sea.

Plumber........what can I say except that he loves me, he wishes I was his wife.

My garden is about to get a make over, very soon, a gardener is going to dig up just over half of my garden and paving it for me. A week later a contractor from my housing association are finally replacing my fence. (It has only taken since November).

Still alive

Ok so I have not blogged for a while.

There have been a few times when I have thought...............I could blog about that. But by the time I get a chance the inspiration has gone.

There hasn't been much to blog about really. My work has been busy, Since March I have been attempting to keep up with as much work as I can which has seen me working through my lunch break a few times just to keep the pressure down a bit. The reason is that where a year ago there were three of us working together (in theory). Then since september it was reduced to two of us, since March my colleague has been covering another important post within the company (one which is vital to the running of the company). So for the last few months I have been trying to cope mostly on my own. (Business has also picked up a bit too). This has meant that I have been coming home exhausted. However things should be getting back to normal in the next few months with two new staff joining the office very soon.

I suppose I should update you on what happened after my last post.

SF arrived at my home with his friend and colleague from before he lost his licence 4 years ago. I chatted to GG for a few minutes as I hadn't seen him for a few years. SF is very lucky to have such a good friend who will turn out for him in times of need. (hmmm idea just sprung to mind GG now on his own since both kids have left home.........hmm perhaps should suggest this).

I offered SF a cuppa but he was ok he had his beer (a case of it) during the evening I chatted to him with our boys. He has been smoking since I filed for divorce, but agreed to smoke outside as this has always been a smoke free zone. It was fine while I was sat downstairs with SF and ET. I reiterated that it would only be one night.

It was after I went to bed that it got worse for me. ET had also gone to bed shortly after me, I heard the stairs and landing creaking, I heard SF's voice outside my door, he was speaking to JA & ET. I lay awake until gone 2am listening to every noise worrying that my door would open. The memories of those 7 months of hell while he still lived in the house during our divorce came flooding back. The fears and feelings I had during that time had returned. There is no way in this world I could have another night like that. In the morning I got ready for work as I was leaving I woke JA telling him to ake his father a cuppa and get him to leave when he went to school. I was not impressed that the whole house stank of cigarette smoke and he had used one of my candle dishes as an ashtray. At work I worried that he wouldn't go. I phoned OJ (he had been out the previous night) repeatedly until he assured me at 9am that his dad had gone. Two days later he phoned me to ask if he could sleep on my sofa again. I said NO and he accepted that and to my relief hasn't bothered me since.

That same night I had also told Plumber online that it was time he started being honest with me. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about. But because SF arrived while we were talking we couldn't have a proper conversation that night. A couple of nights later we had a heated conversation about his lies. He has now admitted that he does live at home some of the time but they have seperate rooms. Hes still not being totally honest but its a start and he now knows that I will not stand for bare faced lies. Our relationship if you can call it that has become stronger. Over recent weeks he has said that he thinks I deserve a better life and if he could he would give it to me but current circumstances mean he can't at present. He says that he won't stop me seeing others and hopes I wont stop him but he won't go out of his way to see other women .......I satisfy all his needs. (whatever he means by that).

Plumber knows I have been seeing Sailor (who also knows about Plumber). They are both happy to share me but don't want me to be hurt or damaged. A few times there have been half arrangements for the three of us to go sailing together. But on the day things didn't work out. I have now been out in the harbour with Sailor on his boat a couple of times, once just using the engine then on Monday after work we spent a couple of hours sailing while the weather was good. I really enjoyed that and hope to go again this weekend. Plumber is very jealous (of us sailing).

Tuesday evening I had a posh frock evening (thank heavens for ebay) I wore a purple dress
with silver heels ..........my mum calls them y 'Dorothy slippers'. It was the Rotary club President's night. Very different to previous ones I had been to. This was at a pub on the A32 that I have passed many times but not taken much notice of because it does not look inviting from outside. It turns out to be a restaurant that has tribute acts performing a caberate on a small stage. The room we were in had a very strange mix of traditional countryside prints including a Roebuck, and theatrical ornamentation. There was a chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The place is run by a couple of men who had been in the theatre in their past. One of them apparently was one of the countries leading pantomime Dames.

So now you know what has been going on in my life in the last 5 or 6 weeks.

Day time tv

The last week has meant a lot of sleeping. I don't think I have slept this much for years. The last time I felt this ill was whan I had a virus and my Dr thought my cancer had returned.

There has been a lot of tv watching. I have watched a lot of house programs either finding or doing up. I have wat
ched a few CSI programs. There have been old episodes of Top Gear. I have even stooped to watching Jeremy Kyle. There have been panel games and quiz shows.

There have been a fair few chats with a few men I have begun chatting to recently but being ill I have not really been that bothered about chatting a lot. My attention has been limited and have often just trialed off either forgetting they were still there or telling them I need to sleep.

But there has been one man I have chatted to most days on and off. He is having problems with his internet at the moment but BT have promised to have him back online by Tues. Feeling a touch of cabin fever after a week in my sick bed I agreed to go out for a drink with him. He really is a lovely man and fairly local too. I will definately be seeing more of him. (Actually this was not our first date as I met him before I became ill).
For much of the week food has been a big issue. I knew I had to eat to get stronger but eating anything was such a struggle. Hot food was out of the question as it made me gag, even the smell of food being cooked by/for my boys made me feel queasy. Eating anything was a chore, it was taking 5 minutes to eat a biscuit. But little by little I have got there, against his instincts Plumber brought me ice cream, cartons of custard and packets of instant dessert. I needed food that I could swallow without having to chew it. Apart from my boys Plumber was the only person I saw all week. He came round twice in one day although most days he said he would call in. He is an has been very goo for me but I still can't rely on him.

On Friday DC came home for a while and between us we made up a shopping list which he and OJ went off and bought returning 2 hours later......they seem to have bought everything I asked for. There have now been 3 occasions when all 4 of my boys have been in the house at the same time which has been nice. DC has even got himself a part time job (not before time) starting next weekend. OJ has been tutoring a friend's brother in A level maths every day this week for £10 hr. ET has got himself an interview to go back to college in Sept.

Things are beginning to look up.