Monday, 28 April 2008

My Decision explains a lot

A few months ago I wrote a piece for the charity blog book being compiled by a group of fellow bloggers. I don't know if my short piece has been included in the book but I have decided to post it here (it has been residing on Lady in Red Writes for several months). Romeo read it when it was first completed and felt honoured to have been allowed to read it as he got a great insight into the woman I am from this. The reason I am posting it here now is because I have a fair few newish readers who may find it of interst and by way of an explanation of who I am.


MY DECISION



It has been a couple of years now and I don’t have any regrets. Some time ago, I think it was the middle of last summer my mother asked the question.

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‘If you had known how hard it was going to be would you still have done it?

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’I consider this carefully before replying. I am not sure why as I knew the answer, there was never any doubt in my mind.

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‘Yes most definitely, it was the best thing I could have done.’Indeed it was the only thing I could have done.

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I had given it my best shot. 19 years of my life I had given to that man. But the day had come when I realised that enough was enough. He couldn’t understand it when I told him I didn’t want to continue living with him. He couldn’t work out what was wrong with me. We had a good marriage didn’t we, we never argued did we?

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He was right in a way, as until the last few months we had very rarely had a row. Firstly he was never around to have a row with as he was always either at work, pub or asleep. (the perfect marriage in some ways).

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Secondly we never rowed because, when he was around he made me feel so useless and weak that I never dared to argue with him and on the occasions when I tried to vent my anger on him he would turn it around to be my fault. Like the many Saturday mornings when he came home from shopping. (I wasn’t allowed to shop I spent too much, whereas he always bought bargains – you know the deals where if you buy this you get that free or the end of date things). We had a freezer full of things we would never use and a fridge full of things that had to be eaten in one day but nothing for the rest of the week.

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He often came in with a mood on, this would make me grumpy, (no one likes to be moaned at for no reason). Because I was now grumpy he would complain about my mood and stomp off to the pub.

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During all these years he would tell me that I was‘fat, ugly, useless with a brain like a sieve’

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Now after so many years of being told this it becomes hard to believe otherwise. I believe that if you get married you should try to make the marriage work. I was not going to give up easily. I had to try to make it work. Besides I had nowhere to go and 4 children to consider. Because I had done such a good job of trying to make our marriage work he had no idea that it wasn’t working. The end of our marriage came as a big shock to him. For me it never really was a marriage. I had never been in love with him. We had never courted as such, just fell into a relationship as when we met we were both getting over broken hearts and needed someone to turn to. If I hadn’t got pregnant the marriage would never have happened.

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Now, though we are divorced and I have never been happier. Financially we were never really solvent as a couple. Does anyone know a solvent alcoholic? But we did have two wages coming in, his full time wage and my part time wage (part time!! I worked longer hours than he did for half the money).

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Now it is just me and the boys, I am the only one bringing any money into the home. It has been a struggle and there are days when we have to keep our coats on because it’s too darn cold and I don’t have any spare cash to buy gas. (Yes I have had to get a key meter for both the gas and electricity). There are days when we have just 2 slices of bread and no milk. But we manage, I have not killed any of them off yet.

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Are we better off now? Financially no we are worse off but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it isn’t going to be like this forever and now that I have a full time job that I enjoy things can only get better.

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However we as a family unit are much happier. Gone are the days of dreading the door opening, wondering if he is in one of his soppy drunk moods or in a nasty bad tempered mood that has everyone either cowering behind a cushion or hiding away in the bedrooms. Gone are the days where everyone had to be silent or risk his bellow of

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‘Stop that noise’ or ‘be quiet’

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In the past two years there has very rarely been a cross word spoke between any of the five of us. It took me a few months to realise that he was never going to be here again chastising me for staying up late or reading when I should be doing something else. I can have friends here if I choose. (visitors were forbidden when he was here).

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Our house rings with the sound of music (not always to my taste, teenagers!!) and laughter where before there was only silence broken by shouts of ‘silence’.

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There is an air of confidence about us all that was not there before. I have learnt that I am worth so much more than I ever knew. I am happy, I laugh, I joke, I feel sexy, I feel worthy, I have finally come to love the person I am.

10 comments:

Vi said...

Beautiful words Lady! I can't tell you if its in or not, cause I don't remember! lol. Hopefully the book may be released by the end of the week (Peach will be letting people know who got in)

Lady in red said...

Vi it really doesn't matter to me whether it got in or not but from the comments I got from those who read it on LiR writes they thought it should be because of the positive message it conveys.

Mei Del said...

this was one of the first things i read when i was getting to know you - and your strength and happiness and pride at what you've achieved so far clearly shines through. you go get 'em lady!

MarmiteToasty said...

Ya know, when I was first raising me lads on me own and we was as skint as skint can be..... we would go to ASDA just to buy the cheap break and reduced price milk, and whilst in the shop I would tell my boys to 'go eat ya tea' which meant, go eat whatever ya need to make ya tummies full until tomorrow, cos tomorrow we start it all again..... had to do this for a few weeks........

Do I feel guilty...... hell no, it was called survival...... we talked about the rights and wrongs of it, and the morals of it...... but it just had to be done......... and anyways, they make enough dosh off me grocery bills now lol

your strength shines through.......

x

Gypsy said...

You should be very proud, not only of this post, but the courage it must have taken to walk away knowing that in some ways your life would get tougher. I admire you very much for having the guts to go through with it for you and your boys. Well done you....

Lady in red said...

Mei yes I am proud of what I have achieved and it is better because apart from my mum and the support of my friends I ahve done it all alone.

Lady in red said...

marmite I near enough live in ASDA
there are weeks when my weekly shop consists of just bread, milk, mince, cereal and a few veg and potatoes oh and toilet paper. I managed to but enough groceries for 5 of us for 4 days on just £18 this weekend....don't know how I managed that

Lady in red said...

gypsy it was not a difficult decision to make but it did take a lot of strength not to let him wear me down into changing my mind. If it hadn't been for what he subjected the kids to through his hostility to me I might have backed down. I will never forgive him for the things my youngest witnessed, thats where my strength came from. 9yr olds shouldn't see their fathers threaten to stab their mother with a kitchen knife or being duped into thinking they had witnessed their dad take an overdose!! some men are so selfish and cruel.

Mel said...

What a well written testimony of love...

Thank you for sharing that with us.

*hugs*

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