Some of you will be aware that for the most part of 2008 so far, I have been having an internal struggle. I have been waiting for Romeo to become my reality not just the voice on a phone or words on my screen whether it be my computer or my mobile phone. During all this time I have vowed to be celibate. But during this time Lotto has been trying to tempt me into meeting him for sex. Ever since we first met almost 18 months ago he has made it clear that he really likes me but doesn't want a relationship.
I find Lotto very sexy, his compliments and outright flattery have served me well during the time I have been waiting for Romeo. But the time came when he wanted to meet in a hotel room. The problem is that now that I have found Romeo I don't want to play around with anyone else. Romeo is the only man for me until or unless we break up. But Lotto is so tempting, I have managed to keep away from him but we have had lots of steamy conversations online and by text even phone sex once. But I always feel guilty. when we chat I always go through the will she won't she game. I feel bad for letting Lotto think that I might give in and meet him. I am not purposely leading him on because when we chat I do want to meet him. Its when we are not chatting that reason prevails.
A few weeks ago we were chatting when he got in a strop and said he wasn't going to bother any more. We had not spoken again since. I had been feeling bad about this because I want to explain to him that I wasn't messing him around I genuinely was struggling with meeting him or not. Its as though half of me was saying no, think about Romeo and the other half was saying yes meet him you know you want to. I resisted the temptation to email or text him. Obviously now that I have met Romeo I am even more determined to behave myself. Yesterday I saw Lotto was online, I half expected him to say something but he didn't. Late I left him an offline message just saying
I hope you are ok
I really should have just stayed silent. Tonight he was online again and we ended up chatting. He was telling me how much he fancies me still. Without meaning to I have found myself agreeing to be online tomorrow evening to exchange emails, photos and have phone sex. I didn't tell him about romeo so he still thinks that I have never met him. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I am going to remain loyal to Romeo.
I think I will have to email him to explain.
Last night I was chatting online with Forest who told me that he has sore elbows. I made a joke about him letting her go on top sometimes. This seems to have been a turning point in our friendship. Tonight we chatted again, we talked for the first time about our sexual relationship. I think now that I have Romeo it is possible for me to talk about me and Forest without it hurting. Apparently he has one regret and that is that he never managed to have anal sex with me. But really although it spanned 4 or 5 months we only actually had sex 3 times including my special friday.
i was thinking about you the other week, and in all the good times we had
what was the best for you
and all the exploration of you
and give you tlc when you had been a naughty girl that once
considering what an exciting lady you were to be with that would of been just as exciting and pleasurable i am sure
we talked about him calling me exciting as I have never thought of myself in that way.
i would have said I was more excitable than exciting
you are that but you are willing to take as well as give willing to let it happen and make it happen and willing to try that is exciting
we talked some more about the sex we had/hadn't had and the fact that I can now talk about it. We also talked about it being good that we managed to stay friends.
probaly cos we talked so much before hand to loose friendships like that
I missed that friendship after we met, sex got in the way
well time for bed for me take care of you little miss exciting
These were just a few excerpts from our conversation but it was the closest we have come to a real heart to heart for a long time. Before we met I used to tell forest everything he was the person I told all my adventures to he was the one I told of all my frustrations. He lifted me when I was feeling low, he calmed me when I was being excitable, he was my confidante, then we met and it all just fell apart as I got swept away on my emotions for this sexy man. As I said to him during this heart to heart, I don't regret the sex we had, but I do regret that our friendship suffered because of the sex. But now we are back to being friends without the sex and I feel much happier.
“Doing” a Doctorate – week 16
6 hours ago