Monday, 26 November 2007

no internet

just a quick post to let you know that I have no internet at the moment so I am using Harvey's computer while he has a quick shower.

Hope fully I will get my connection sorted very soon.

It appears to be a fault on the telephone line.

Sunday, 25 November 2007

driving around

not heard from Skipper since friday eve

spoke to Harvey sat morning we decided to go ten pin bowling in the aftenoon. He has never been before so the first thing he did was fall over, while I was falling about laughing. We had two games and won one each so had to have a decider which he won. then it was down the road for a walk along the beach (that lasted all of 5 minutes as someone was a wimp and thought it was too cold). A cuppa in a local cafe to warm up then he hands me the keys to his new car (he had only had it 24 hrs) and we head off up the hill its dark by now and the view over the city is great. He has only ever been there during daylight before. After an age he leans in for his first kiss, wow he knocks the wind out of my sails. snogging must have been about half an hour, before we set off again so I can go feed my youngest. Once I have fed JA , made myself an omelete had a shower and got back outside to where he is waiting hes been asleep in his car. I drive us to his loft conversion bedsit to watch a dvd. not sure if we had watched half of the movie before we got distracted. It is now 8.25am and I am using hi computer before I go home.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

swings, roundabouts and slides

I hope you can keep up because I am not sure I can!


I have been getting on very well with Skipper this week, we have exchanged a lot of text even during our working day. We have chatted on msn and had some very nice conversations on the phone. I really do enjoy hearing his voice (He says he likes to hear mine too).


He has asked me if we could swing together. I told him that I prefer slides as swings make me nauseous.


Last night when I should have been posting my food diary for the day I was in my bed, door shut, radio on to disguise my conversation as I chatted to Skipper. We chatted about things like work. How our days had been. Then we got down to some very hot mmmmmmmm phone sex. He had told me to make sure I had a towel ready before he phoned. During our chat he made me come 4 times before he felt sleepy. But I didn't mind as it was well past his usual hibernation time. I then had a few more orgasms after he had gone.


Today we have been discussing what we each want/don't want from this. We have both been in long unhappy marriages. Neither of us want a serious relationship. But we need to define what we do want.


Tonight he has been out for a drink with the same friend he stayed with one night last week. Tonight I went out for a drink with a different man (Harvey). I began chatting to Harvey online last week. He lives in the next town to me but doesn't know the area too well as he only moved there a few months ago. This afternoon Harvey came online chatting. He was asking me of all people about the local night life. Then he asked me where I was taking him tonight.


huh cheeky


who me lol


are you asking me to meet you tonight?


in a long about way yeah


lol







ok


o ok shock


so we arranged to meet 3.5hrs later. He picked me up from the next road, so that I didn't have to drive. we had a nice time drinking (me on smirnoff ice hom on J2O) and chatting and agruing. I mentioned saggitarius he swore that it was capricorn. We argued over it for ages. He was trying to convince me that as his birthday is 1st dec he is capricorn. but I was dead certain it was Saggi. eventually to check this out I decided to text a friend. (50/50 was no good) I didn't fancy asking the audience. I thought of sending a text to Vi but I figured she would be out having fun so I text pixie (thanx for backing me up). He still tried to convince me that both Pixie and I had it wrong. It was 12.30am by the time we got kicked out of the pub and his new car (only got it today) was already frosted over. He drove me home and we chatted for a bit longer. He has asked to see me again. I thought he was going to try to kiss me but he didn't. I needed the loo again!! so had to rush off so I don't know if he would have kissed me or not. He has just been online asking if he can phone me tomorrow.


After spending an evening with me giggling like mad he now thinks I am one very crazy woman. He kept saying ........what are you like eh?

He was very easy to spend an evening with but I didn't feel sexually drawn to him.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

How quickly things change

I started this week really miserable, but now I am happy.
I started this week not knowing where I stood with Skipper.
I started this week flat broke.
I started this week in floods of tears.

I went to the gym on monday with the idea of working hard at getting rid of my frustrations.
While I was there I discovered that my hard work has started to pay off I had lost 2.5lb in a week.
I text Skipper to find out where I stand. He made it clear that he does want to be with me. He has some important things to sort out first.
I managed to find enough money to get some electricity.
I managed to make DC realise that he must pay me back the money he has borrowed.

As the days have passed Skipper has been texting me allowing my confidence in him to grow.
Today my boss called me into the conference room to tell me that I shall be getting a pay rise in January. I am also getting a bonus in my November pay. You have to be there for a year to get the bonus but they decided to give me a bonus anyway. My boss also said that I am worth more than the job I am doing. (I knew that, which is why I had said I would only do it short term). This gave me the courage to say that I am now ready to work full time if she wanted to consider me for the sales job. I said I think I could do it, she said she knows I could. I have to hand in my CV, but she said the other applicants just have admin background not sales. My advantage being that I have been working for the sales team and picked up quite a lot as I have gone along.

While I was feeling pleased with myself I got an unexpected phone call from a man with a lovely gentle voice. which reminds me I must get offline as I ahve a date with that voice and my bed.
goodnight xx

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

saucy problem

Good home wanted for unused sauce mixes


My friend Vi has as I already mentioned a week or so go done the impossible


she has got me back to doing more home cooking


I am back to cooking dishes from scratch just as I used to do


in the days when I was a stay at home mum


so now we are eating a healthier diet and


I am left with a stack of unused sauce packets.


chilli con carne, shepherds pie, sausage casserole, and several others


not sure what to do with these now


does anyone want them ?

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

At least I tried

I think I gave Neptune a chance to show me that he could be the one

He hasn't taken it.

Since his computer broke he has been quite slow to take things any further.

He text me on sat 10th nov I replied twice but got no response.

He text me on 15th nov I replied but got no further response.

He text me on late on sat 17th Nov. I replied I told him I wished I had someone to snuggle up to. No response.

Monday 19th Nov I emailed him. No reply.

What is the matter with the man??

Either he wants to meet me or he doesn't.

I give up!!

Monday, 19 November 2007

every cloud has a silver lining

I was miserable before but I was even more miserable today.

I woke up with a bad neck/shoulder pain. I figured that after I eventually fell asleep sometime after 2.30am I must have lain badly. But as the day wore on and I could feel exactly where the pain was coming from it occurred to me that I may have strained a muscle as I tried to intervene in a fight between two strapping boys late last night. I don't normally interfere in their scraps but this one was bad is was like a fight to the death type of battle. They have not done this for a very long time, probably a couple of years. But of course this time they are so much bigger OJ is more than 14 stone and JA is no light weight himself.

so I spent the day having to turn my whole body every time someone behind me was saying anything. It also hurt to move my arm too much in front of me as I keyed in my work.

My biggest headache though has been money as per usual. DC finally got the money he was waiting for at the weekend. He hasn't told me that he has got his money, he told his father who then told OJ as he thought I should know. DC has avoided me for 99% of the time. However he did come in and cook himself some dinner on saturday evening before going to see his girlfriend. I asked him to take the gas meter card to put some money on it, I also asked him to collect ET from the station for me at 9.30pm. He agreed to both. ET walked home oblivious to the idea his brother should have given him a lift. when DC came in he hadn't got the gas card topped up he had left it too late......he promised to do it on sunday morning before his band practice. He went out very early.........by 11.30 I was livid that he was off out for the day with the gas card so that even if I managed to get some money I couldn't do anything without the card. I couldn't phone him as he hasn't paid his phone bill again!! So I found his mate J's home number and rang his mother, she gave me J's mobile number. I rang J who told me they had just parked at the back of the house and DC had been to the garage to top up the card he was bringing it in. By the time I got downstairs he had been and gone. I have not seen or heard from him since!

He did not come home last night. I knew he was going to be in Brighton all day today giving performances at a music college in preperation for their tour which begins tomorrow and ends on friday 30th nov. They are touring around the country with two other bands. this morning I text J to tell DC to bring money here that he owes me and OJ as the electricity would have run out before I got home from work and I will need money for fuel by tomorrow let alone milk etc.
I have not heard from him. No money has been either left in the house or transferred into my bank account. If he comes home tonight he had better have the money or he won't be going on tour even if it means I put him in hospital ( I don't mean that but I am that angry. when I got home from work the electricity meter was down to the last 7p. I had been worrying all day about not having any electricity tonight. we could light candles to give us some light but I couldn't cook anything and I couldn't even go out for chips. as it happened I had left some money in my pocket the other day and the coins had collected in the rubber of the washing machine door. I got some electricity :-)

I have spoken to Skipper and feel much better about that situation now too. I won't go into details but he does want to see me. I told him that I have been to the gym and when I weighed myself after my work out I had lost 2.5lb since last monday.......so I shall heed Skipper's words

'Don't worry ...be happy' which is one of my mantras

I am begiining to feel more cheerful again

Sunday, 18 November 2007

miserable

I don't feel much like saying anything today.

It is cold and hasn't stopped raining

I feel miserable

I was stood up

he was too tired!!







update : not feeling so miserable now having had a very flirtatious evening both online and by text with several men I know. I have also been having some fun playing with facebook which I am just starting to get into.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Owning my cancer part one

Recently Pixie wrote about her Cancer , how it felt hearing that she had cancer, living through her treatment and how her nearest and dearest coped with it. This got me thinking about my experience. I have written several times about, being a survivor and how I feel about that but I have never put into words my actual experience. I have not owned my experience the way pixie has. So today I am going to try to write out my experience. I don’t know how difficult this will be as I am not sure what will come out by doing this.

Since my cancer was treated I have encouraged other women to have pap tests (smear tests) and mammograms, to keep themselves healthy for the sake of their families. I have never said anything that would lead anyone to realise how I found out that I had cancer. I am sure the majority of people will think that it was through a routine smear test. This was not the case, I was one of those unlucky few who slipped through the net.

When my youngest child was 6 weeks old I had my routine post natal checks that included a smear test. The test came back with a request for a further test as there were insufficient cells to test. Apparently this is not uncommon after a birth, it takes a while for the cells to grow back. I had a further test which was normal. I was due to have my next test when my son had just turned 5. (In the UK we have routine tests every 5 years although in some places it’s every 3 yrs, I gather in the US it is every year). The reason given for the longer time period here is the lack of resources to examine the tests that are taken.

So this is my story of how I found out I had cancer and what happened next. It was over the Easter period in 2000, I began to notice that I was waking up wet, get your mind out of the gutter, not that kind of wet! I was beginning to leak for no apparent reason. I felt so embarrassed; I figured it must be due to my age and weight. I was 38 and very over weight, I had seen the adverts for Tena Lady, so I thought it must be something natural. I put up with it for a few months, wearing panty liners all the time hoping that no one at work would notice the smell. They didn’t. Eventually after months I was chatting to my mum she was also having problems and on comparing symptoms she convinced me that I might have a prolapsed womb. So I made an appointment to see a lady Dr at our surgery. She referred me to the local hospital to see an Urologist. My appointment came through for early January 2001. By this time I was in a lot of pain and my periods were becoming heavier and closer together. I was put on pain killers for this. By the time I saw the Urologist I was taking double the dose I should have been on.

The day of my appointment arrived and I was called in to see the specialist, we talked whilst I outlined my problems, he then asked me to lie on the couch while he examined me. He told me that he couldn’t do a thorough examination as there was a blockage, he would like me to be seen by a Gynaecologist to get his opinion. A week later I was back at the hospital being seen by a registrar, he tried to examine me but I bled so much that he was unable to examine me properly; he went off to seek advice from the consultant. It was decided that I should have a colposcopy to examine me under general anaesthetic. I was very nervous about this as I had only ever had operations when I had my children. On the day of my day surgery I was all ready to go down to theatre, I had my pre med when the fire alarms went off. We were assured that we would not be affected by this. Time ticked by, until eventually I was advised that I would be going home without my operation as they had run out of theatre time.

A week later I was back again; there were more of us than there were beds, so we all had to wait until a bed was found for us before we could be operated on. Luckily I was one of the first to be found a bed. This time I wasn’t given the pre med whilst still on the ward and when my time came I was walked down to theatre (that walk seemed to take for ever and my legs were feeling quite weak.) when I came round again after the operation I was very sick. My consultant (DJ calls him god) came to see me, he told me that they had found a tumour. I threw up and he scuttled off to find a nurse promising to come back. (He didn’t). Because I didn’t stop vomiting I was kept in hospital for a couple of days. During this time I was wheeled about to have various tests and chest x-rays. It is not easy keeping still for an x-ray when the vomiting won’t let up. Not surprisingly they got me seen and out of the way pretty quickly. Eventually I was well enough to go home. I think I had been there for 3 days by then.

A couple of weeks later I received a letter telling me to go to the Oncology clinic on Friday 9th March 2001. I had spent two weeks wondering about the biopsy results. But I wasn’t worried as I swear that one of the junior doctors had told me I would have a hysterectomy to remove the tumour. So even if the tumour turned out to be cancerous I would be ok as they were going to remove it. On the appointed day my mother drove me to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room with all the older women in various states of ill health. Many in wheelchairs others wearing scarves to disguise the lack of hair. After a time my name was called and I was shown into a side room with instructions to slip my clothes off from the waist down, lie on the bed with the sheet covering me. After about 10 minutes a very smart older lady entered the room introducing her self to me. I have never forgotten her name (same Christian name as mine). She asked me how I was feeling, I told her that I was in a lot of pain. She dismissed this as being normal as I had just had a very major operation. It very quickly became obvious that she had the wrong notes and thought I was someone else. She went off to find someone. I was left there for an absolute age. Finally a lady called Margaret came to see me.

I can’t at this time remember what she said only that I got dressed and we went into the office next door, my mother was invited to join us. God was there, he began talking about radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I asked if I was going to have a hysterectomy but he replied that my tumour was too big to be operated on. Margaret then took me and my mother upstairs to the Macmillan suite where we were shown into a very nice room, given tea and biscuits. Here Margaret explained about my tumour and the treatment they were proposing. I was to have chemo every Tuesday for a month plus radiotherapy every day for a month. I am glad that I had my mum with me as all that was going around in my mind was….oh no that means I have to take time off work!!
I wasn’t worried about my health or my family…..just that I needed to have a month off work.

On the drive home I rang my husband at work to tell him that I had cancer. He kept repeating ‘is it terminal?’ over and over again. He left work early to meet me at my mum’s house. The first thing he said when he saw me ‘is it terminal’ I wanted to hit him. But I told him that it would only be terminal if he continued to say that as I would be forced to get a knife and stab him. Over the next few weeks there were many tests to be done on my kidneys, chest etc. a template was created using three tiny marks tattooed on to my backside so that the radiotherapy machine could be aligned for each of my treatments. I had to have an MRI scan which was the first time I have ever had a panic attack. I felt rather ill after this. Then came the call from Margaret to arrange a hearing test. They needed to know what my hearing was like so that it could be measured as chemotherapy can cause hearing loss. I explained that I have a hearing loss already and had been wearing a hearing aid for a couple of years. It was then decided that to prevent further hearing loss I would not have chemo, but my radiotherapy would be increased to six weeks. I would also have a dose of internal radiotherapy.

I am going to take a break now as this is becoming very long I shall continue possibly tomorrow.

my stars

I just pinched this from Wyld Cat

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Thursday, 15 November 2007

gotcha

after being out last night I didn't chat to Skipper. In a stupid kind of way I missed that even though it had only been 5 days since we even found out that each other existed.



this morning he text me early saying he was sorry he had missed me last night, he had gone to see a friend and ended up staying overnight. (male friend he even gave me the name).



later I text him



so did you miss me then?



yes. I was reading your account of how you suck slowly teasing and licking whereas other girls go at it like woodpeckers (his description not mine).................well guess what I love it slow.



maybe other girls watch too much bad porn



you might be right. I'm quite good at cunnilingus. I've been told. X



This is when I decide to have a bit of fun at his expense



what is that? I have asked the lads at work and they just laughed but won't tell me.



Cunnilingus is where the man licks the lady. We should do it together. X



Good this lady likes to have the back of her neck licked x



I'll lick more than that. I so want you to suck my cock slowly, God that would be good. do you fancy doing swinging with me?



I won't say it hasn't crossed my mind but we should take it one step at a time.



Well, I'm free all the time. You say and I'll be there. as for us I think I should book a hotel for a night. Then we can enjoy some quality time.

(I think I like this man already)



Cunnilingus is where the man licks the lady. Did you really think I didn't know this?



Ok you got me. X x x



Did it not suprise you that I didn't know. x



Yes, I should have realised. silly me.



What more can I ask for in a man. He is on the same wave length as me sexually, he has a sense of humour, he belongs to a creative writing club, we can talk books, reading, boats and lots more. He is not afraid to communicate regularly through out the day every day. He goes to the gym 5 days a week. He is very gentle and well mannered.

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

getting it together

well I managed to stock up with food. It cost more than usual because I am on a fat free diet. The food I need costs a little more than I had been buying, but hopefully it will not only help me to lose weight but get the boys into better eating habits too. I even bought a pack of cous cous which I have never previously wanted to try. I don't know if I will like it but unless I try it I won't know.



This afternoon I had an appointment to see my GP about the gall stones that were found when I had my ultra sound scan a few months ago. My GP says that 15% of people have gall stones with no ill effects so unless they become inflamed and cause me pain they are not worried. He also confirmed that my last set of blood tests had been much better but as one of my kidneys was slightly inflamed when I had the scan I need to have yet another blood test in the next couple of weeks. We discussed my migraines, he was concerned that my HRT might be making them worse but I assured him that if anything they have improved in the last few years (less frequent).



Tonight I am off to watch my boy get his GCSE certificates at a special presentation night. While we are there ET has gone with friends to another college open evening. Obviously I couldn't go with him this time. It is times like this when being a single parent becomes so difficult, not being able to be in two places at once.



Since I saw Skipper on Sunday we have been texting each other intermittently every day even whilst at work. We have also chatted on msn and phone mmmm that gets very hot. Today he text me asking



'when are we going to get together and where'



Now I know he has said that he is looking for a long term relationship but I want to be sure that he isn't just after one thing. I have made it clear more than once that I am not looking for casual sex. so I am not going to just hand it to him on a plate.



'If you are lucky I might allow you to take me out at the weekend'



'if you are lucky I might be free'



' :-{ I am never lucky'



lets see if he misses me this evening whilst I am out. I shall text him to say that I am going out and turning my phone off.










update : OJ got an award for coming top in the whole school for his maths GCSE. After the presentations the head of the maths dept stopped OJ, he said that OJ got 400/400 in his final maths exam which is something he has never seen anyone do before.

Now I feel such a bad mother. I turned my phone off for the presentation and forgot to turn it back on again. ET was phoning me for a lift home, he had been walking for hours from one campus to another and back again. He collapsed on my bed saying his legs ache so much he cant walk any more. He had hoped I would give him a lift back from the station about 1 1/2miles uphill.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

getting money

Today I had to borrow money from Posh Bird for petrol so I could get home from work and get back again tomorrow. Today I had to ask OJ to use his money to buy some basics like milk and potatos so that I could feed my family. I hate that I have to do this. DC still owes me more than half of his keep for this month plus petrol money and last weeks loan installment, £170 in total not including all the food hes eaten etc. He made the stupid mistake of thinking he could buy a new guitar for £500 with the money he was selling his Guitar amp on ebay for (£400). Silly idiot did it the wrong way around. He bought the guitar before he got the money for the amp (2 weeks before). so hes been short of money for two weeks. He now has the £400 but its in his paypal account and takes a few ays before he can access it from his bank account. Next week he is going on a 10 day tour with his and two other bands. I just hope he gives me the money he owes me by friday.


SF came round earlier to hand over a suit he is lending to OJ for his GCSE Presentation tomorrow night. He also gave them some end of date cakes. He told me he would give me some money on thursday. I asked him if this would be in the morning or evening. So he says when do I want it. Now I just have to tell him I have nothing now and had to borrow money for fuel and food. So hes walked to cash point with OJ and JA to get my money......yet again its only £100!!! thats equal to £25 per child for a month!!!!!!!!!!!


no wonder he can buy them things for birthdays and christmas.


so now I am going to Asda to buy some food!!

Monday, 12 November 2007

Bananas

My mentor suggested that I try eating bananas for snacks as they are filling but not full of calories.


Bananas, Bananas to that I can only say ewww bananas.


I don't eat bananas


for several years the very mention of bananas would send me into fits of giggles.


when I was a shy and innocent 18 year old I had just begun to date an older man of .......20, we both belonged to a social club. One night not long after we started dating we were at a social event, there were various party games. we were volunteered to take part in one of the games as a couple. there were 4 couples, the men were stood on chairs with a peeled banana between their thighs.......yes I am sure you have guessed it. this game was a race to see which female could eat her partner's banana with her hands behind her back. I don't think I came last which is amazing in itself.


Afterwards our friends all said they bet that had put me off bananas. Not at all, I hated bananas always had done. most foods that I don't like, I find it is because I don't like the texture. With bananas I can't abide the smell. I can eat slices of dried bananas no problem but fresh ones no way. so of course for a long time everytime anyone said bananas I just fell about in a heap of giggles. My family of course knew this so my brothers took great delight in saying bananas at every possible opportunity.

my date

He called me just as I was leaving home to ask what I was drinking. As I walked into the bar there he was stood with my smirnoff Ice beside him so I didn't have to wonder if it was him. He is shorter than I expected but still tall compared to my mere 5'0". He had already decided we would grab the table in the far corner. I had taken some of my writing with me to show him. We talked about my writing and what it needs to make it better. All the time he was holding and stroking my hands. At one point he asked for a kiss which was very nice. After a few hours of chatting and holding hands we walked back to my car. He helped me on with my coat and carried my folder while holding my hand as we walked.


As soon as we were in my car he was kissing me passionately. We drove off and found somewhere a little more private to kiss than under a street lamp in the middle of a public car park overlooked by the local police station. Soon I had got him back to the station to catch his train, we kissed goodnight. Later we were texting again, then he went quiet. It seems he last text got delayed as I didnt receive it until 2.30am.


He has been texting me all day.


some how I think I will be seeing him again. (for the moment I am going to refer to him as Skipper)

Sunday, 11 November 2007

on top of my world

Today I am feeling on top of my world

after yesterday clearing up lose ends I feel so much better.

Relief and liberated are two words to describe how I felt after my exchange with Swinger.

Before he contacted me last night I had been online during the day and gone onto a dating site I had not used for perhaps 18 months. I have updated my profile and did a search sent messages to about 8 men. I have had several replies which are now ongoing. But the very first one picked up on the fact that I write. we must have exchanged about a dozen messages on the site then moved onto msn in the evening finally chatting on the phone until 4am this morning.

We are meeting up for a drink tonight.

cards have already been put on the table so there will be no misunderstandings, we both want the same thing.

he text me this morning

'I can't stop thinking about you!'

swinger update

I have been in contact with Swinger and tied up the lose ends. Basically he says that he went quiet because he didn't want to hurt me and he could tell that my feelings for him were growing. He isn't very good at goodbyes so he cut me off so I could get on with my life without him.


'the reason I went quiet on you is because, in my opinion, it would have been the best way for you to maybe not forget me but at least let go of the feelings that you were getting'.


I kind of figured that this was part of it. but even when we were seeing each other I always got the impression he was in deeper than he wanted to be. He didn't behave like someone who didn't have feelings. I certainly didn't have to initiate contact or persue him in any way it was always him. I was trying to be cool and nonchalant, obviously not very well. He was always protesting that he didn't want to get involved as he had recently been hurt. but his actions were much louder than his words, which I teased him about numerous times. I think this says it all.


'I, like you, have been hurt too much in the past and I am not prepared to put myself through it again.' (thats the difference between us .....he isn't prepared to run the risk of a woman hurting him again,whereas I am prepared to accept hurt as part of living).


we have now cleared the air as it were and now we can be friends without pressure, he says he is not in this country and won't be coming back here to live but would still like to see me when he comes over to england. I told him he still owes me a game of ten pin bowling.

Saturday, 10 November 2007

100 posts

I have been tagged by pixie to do this it also happens to be post 100 on this blog


8 passions in my life


my four boys
my music
my writing
my reading
fresh air
my computer
my friends
compassion


8 things to do before I die


ride in a hot air balloon
ride in a helicopter
learn to ride a horse (I have a fear of horses)
finish at least one book
see my boys grown up and settled
find a man who is worthy of my love
finish my IT course
travel widely


8 things I often say


I suppose you can’t get home any other way
What homework have you not done ?
Use headphones we don’t all want to hear it!!
Hugs as always
You know where I am if you want anything
How much do you need?
I’m not playing the field anymore
I may not have any money but I am happier than I have ever been

8 Books I read recently


The Beachcomber - Josephne Cox
Trust Nobody - June Hampson (my writing tutor)
London – Edward Rutherfurd
The Quest - Wilbur Smith
Tease Me – Dawn Atkins
Sinners – Jackie Collins
Triumph of the sun – Wilbur Smith
Sex, lies and online dating – Rachel Gibson



8 songs that mean something to me


I’m not in love – 10CC
Lady in Red – Chris de Burgh
I just called to say – Stevie Wonder
Cherry Cola – Savage Garden
I will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
Whole Again – Atomic Kitten
All Woman – Lisa Stansfield
All your Attention – Daniel Bedingfield

8 Qualities I look for in a friend


compassion
humour
honesty
warmth
trust
intelligence
spirit
courage

8 people who I'm passing this on to


Dj Kirkby
Chopski
Emma
Her Indoors
Complex Girl
Wyld Cat
George
Cheekyfaces

Friday, 9 November 2007

why?

why do I only discover that I have a nick in my thumb nail as I am putting on my stockings for work ??

Parents evening

Tonight I have been at parent's evening at the college OJ attends. He has only been there since september so this was the first time I met any of his teachers. Apparently he was too late to get an appointment with his Law tutor. The first tutor I saw was his ICT tutor............... I wanna go to college please...........he was rather scrummy. very pleasant man and very mmmmmmm

yes I could like his classes. He told me that if OJ has any problems or if I want to ask anything I can email him OJ can give me the address. We laughed as we chatted it was really nice and no pressure to move along. He was a really nice man. As I was leaving I joked that I might email him if I get stuck with my homework. he laughed but he didn't say no.


On the way home I stopped to take this picture.

I love this view but I much prefer to have company whilst I am looking at it.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Full circle

today I feel as though my life has gone full circle in the last year.

In september 2006 I said goodbye to Swinger as he was about to set off for his new life abroad. He had a few more days left in the UK but was busy tying up lose ends and saying goodbye to family. On the last day before he handed back his work phone we were texting each other as I was driving 38 miles to help my mother move my grandad from his bungalow to the rest home where he would be living from that day on. On my way there I had a puncture and had to pull over at the earliest opportunity. I text swinger what had happened and that as I was a lone woman RAC said they would have one of their vans with me within 90 mins. I clearly remember swinger thinking this was incredible.

By the time the RAC man had finally arrived decided that my wheel was beyond repair, driven me to the nearest town (where grandad was moving to)to buy a new wheel which had to be ordered from another town. We waited for the new wheel to be delivered then driven down one side of the dual carriage way to the end so we could turn around and come back down the other side. (my car being just one mile short of the end). I drove to the bungalow to meet my mum who had already moved grandad into the home without me. By now as grandad had been moved there was nothing left to do but have a late pub lunch. this was when I got my last text from swinger who was taking the piss out of me.

In October 2006 Swinger came back to the UK for a couple of weeks, he had told me not to miss him too much as he would see me soon. I prayed that he would arrive the week I had to go to court to be a witness against my ex husband in the case against him for harrassment and intimidating a witness (me). Yes he would be back that friday 3 days after the court case, this gave me something to look forward to. On the friday I was having a pub lunch with mother and grandad (he had to sign all the estate agents and solicitors forms) I was getting a series of very hot text from Swinger. We spent that night together. Then he was gone.

In the last week I have had emails from Swinger, today I heard that my grandad is ill again. He has never been in hospital until this year. He has now been in hospital twice and may need to go in again as he has a chest infection and has been confined to bed. The home have told my mother that he cannot stay there any more, he is now too frail, they cannot give him the care he needs. ( we have been expecting this, at 93 he has been declining in the last few months). We now need to find him a nursing home, preferrably one nearer to us.

This afternoon I had the dubious pleasure of my ex talking to me on the phone yada yada yada it went on and on. But one of the things he did tell me was that today his probation ended. He had to go into the probation office to be signed off. They have made it clear to him that he isn't to come near my home as I could have him jailed. As things stand at the moment I wont do that as we are currently on civil terms. but if he were to become a nuisance then I would.

The day my grandad moved into the home I had taken a day off work (I had only started the previous day on a temp contract).
The week before I had to go to court I was turned down for a permanent job because they wanted me to start on the Monday which I couldn't do as I knew I needed to be in court for two days of that week but would only find out the day before which days. Bad timing!!!
The day I first heard from Swinger again was the same day my current employer told me they would like me to stay on for another year. I only joined the company for 3 months in June.

Maybe I am reading too much into all this, maybe its all coincidences, perhaps not. I just know it all seems very odd to me.

Monday, 5 November 2007

Monday's desire

fairly quiet Monday today

Ok so I said I wouldn't text Neptune, but I did. I sent him a text just before I set off for work.

are you ok?

short simple and just that.
As I was driving he replied telling me that he was having a lie in as he has a day off work today. (I knew that).He was going to make some tea and go back to bed. For once I arrived at work with a couple of minutes to spare so I replied telling him mine is with skimmed milk no sugar.

While I was beavering away at my work my mind was wandering all over the place as it does. (I really need a job that will make me use my brain). I was thinking about Swinger. More to the point I was trying not to think about him. How dare he do this to me. Just when I was beginning to get my life straight. I am trying so hard not to let his return get to me. I remind myself that I should be thinking about Neptune. I have not met Neptune yet and at this rate it isn't going to happen this year if at all, even if we do meet will we still like each other. I have gone from worrying that I won't be good enough for him to wondering if he will be good enough for me. (thats got to be good hasn't it?).
Swinger had his chance, but he left me with no word of explanation. I tell myself he doesn't want to stay in contact with me and I mustn't think otherwise. But then I argue that he sent me that email. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want me to know he is back. so the question is why does he want me to know that. He promised me answers but none have been forth coming so far.
Amongst my jumble of thoughts I was also thinking about my writing. I have been asked to write more of 'Granny's Tree'. I need to write more of my book and I have two days to think of something to do for my homework. The subject of this week's homework is to write about something that we try to forget about but it just keeps growing. Suddenly I knew what I would do. Not a short story this time.
I have decided that I don't want to post all my writing her on this blog. AS I still have kindred Perverts open I am going to use that as a place to keep my creative writing. I have changed the name of it to Lady in Red writes......it still has the same address as before but I don't need to keep the name anymore. this weeks home work has been posted over there already. Next will be the updated and extended version of Granny's Tree.

After work I text Neptune again to ask if he was still enjoying his lie in. Then I headed for the gym. An hour I worked out, treadmill, bike and cross trainer with a bit of resistence work in the middle. I weighed myself afterwards to discover that even though I have been working out and dieting for the last week my weight is exactly the same as last monday.

I had just got back to my car when I got a text from Neptune telling me about his day. apparently all the computers he looked at (to replace his current defunct one) had vista on them. But he was now stretched out on his sofa watching a film. ...............Its a hard life isn't it?

After cooking spaghetti for the boys and chilli for me and DC, I had a long IM chat with a married local man. the subject got around to fantasies. He told me what one of his was so I sent him what I had written months ago about a situation that was close ish to his fantasy. we then talked about being tied up. He isn't the slightest bit interested in anything that isnt very vanilla. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with that. He asked if I had had any of my writing published as he thought it was good. I also showed him the pissoem that chopski wrote for me. If you have not seen it you should go and find it here.

after he had gone I set about writing my homework.

I think I shall have an early night now.

Sunday, 4 November 2007

memories



After the high I was on the other day I feel a bit flat now.
My weekend has been fine, there have been no disasters. Just a normal weekend really, not much happening.
I went to the murder mystery evening on friday. It was fish and chip supper whilst the various cast members moved from table to table so we could ask them questions. I went with OJ and JA also my mum and her friend, Bananas. Mother had brought some non alcoholic wine for the two of us to drink and cola for the boys. Bananas had a bottle of red wine. My boys had their first taste of red, OJ who never touches alcohol at all thought it was ok but didn't want much just a 1/4 of a glass. JA didn't like it much thank heavens. I have never taken to red, much preferring white but I agreed to try the red and it was better than I remember but I still only had 1/2 glass as by the time I was ready for more Bananas had not only finished the bottle but was scrounging from the next table. At the end of the evening we all had to stand by the person we thought had committed the murder. JA myself and Bananas all thought it was the dodgy junior solicitor, mother thought it was the smarmy 'Uncle' Tom and OJ thought it was the widow (Lady Muck). As it turned out the senior solicitor who was about to read the deceased (Lord Muck)'s will when he died. Had been killed by blows to the head. These blows were administered by both the junior partner and the honerary Uncle. It wasn't certain which had struck the fatal blow. So we were all right except for clever cloggs OJ who for once in his life got something wrong.

saturday was very quiet, I had a nice lie in then exchanged a few emails with various friends. Posh Bird asked if I would feed her cat as she was going to be away until sunday afternoon. Then I went shopping again to get more of the things I need in order to do this new eating regime properly. I have now stocked up on more of the items I didn't have before. I can't remember when I last bought pesto or mixed herbs to go in my home cooking. My mentor in this diet is managing to do something that neither my mother or SF ever managed to do.......shes turning me into a housewife aarrgggg. I even made home made potato and leek soup today. I have remembered though that there are three reasons why I ahve not done this before. I am too lazy to stand preparing fresh food every day. It cost more to stock my cupboards up. I need more space to store everything I need for all these recipes.
I exchanged a few text with Sammy on Saturday.....he says hes been very buy but life will get back to normal after tuesday. He said he would try to get online on sunday night. No sign of him yet and its 11.22pm.
I have heard nothing at all from Neptune since his text on thursday night even though I replied on friday morning. He had said that he would not be able to use computer until he gets back to work on tuesday but he didn't say he wouldnt be able to use his phone either. I know I could text him again but why should I put in more effort if he isn't doing the same. I had thought that he might want to meet over the weekend as he hadn't said he would be busy.....oh well its his loss.
I text swinger on saturday while I was shopping......I don't know why I often get the urge to text while I am food shopping. I was just testing to see if he is still using the same mobile number as before. he replied that he is but he was suprised I still have the number. Thats when I told him I only delete the numbers of people I have forgotten and he is not forgotten. I have not heard from him since.

Its funny all this time since he did his vanishing act at first I hurt, then I just worried about him. I didn't think about him too often as the months passed. It was as though he was a favourite possession that has been put on a shelf not forgotten but not often looked at. When I first got that first email, I was shocked and had to read the name of the sender several times before it sank in that it was him. My first thought ........Omg its Swinger......hes still alive then which made me happy. then I emailed him and we exchanged 4 or 5 very brief emails over about an hour. It was later that the feelings I had had for him began to flood back. I still have a photo of him by my bed. I hadn't looked at that photo for months, but I held it to me before I fell asleep. In the morning as I gazed at it again it was as though my body remembered him. He was the first person to tell me about the alternative use of an electric toothbrush. oon I found myself in need of mine but that was soon discarded in favour of fingers. fingers which had not been put to use in this way for a while.

Over the past couple of days so many things have come into my mind, things I had completely forgotten about until now. When I was removing the black nail varnish from ET's fingers (halloween party last night) I remembered that swinger likes the smell of nail varnish. I remembered too that he likes motor sports. I remember the car he drives, the fact that he goes commando. He prefers to drive the back roads to using the motorway. I remember what he said when I told him I had a puncture when I was driving at 80mph. He loves DIY( he was going to fix my mum's plumbing until he got sent away). Mostly its the little insignificant things I am remembering, things that I had forgotten I knew.

today I took OJ to get his new rail ticket as finally his EMA went into his account this weekend. then we went shopping again!! He needed to buy a birthday present for SF (54 yesterday). He had told me what he wanted them to buy him. Ha ha OJ is the only one with any money so that means I have to stump up the rest. He also decided to buy himself a new dinner plate and bowl that none of the others are allowed to use. He's fed up that its always me and him that do the washing up and the others just leave theirs in the sink. So hes bought his own set. then after the shopping I went up onto the hill to take some photos. I had been saying that I want to get a decent digital camera so tht I can take better pictures especially of the views that I see every day. This morning out of the blue DC asked me if I wanted the camera he had won at work a couple of months ago. at the time I had said he could give me the camera as he hadn't paid me even half his rent money. But he had said he was going to sell it on ebay. He had bought himself a good camera a few months earlier.
difficult to believe these two photos were taken from the same spot within minutes.

Saturday, 3 November 2007

Swinger

I was going to explain swinger to cake in my comments box but realised it would be better to do a post instead.

I met Swinger on 'that site' about 2 weeks after I joined it. We had both been drinking when we first made contact so there was a lot of bolshiness from me and contrition and persuasion from him. We very quickly moved onto IM. He appreciated my sense of humour, he also appreciated my photos. Suggestive but certainly not explicit. we chatted nearly every evening in the week leading upto the first time we met. Which was the day after his birthday. (He had wanted to meet on his birthday but I think I already had something else on or was it him I forget now but we couldn't meet that day). When we met I thought he was lovely (I had worried that there would not be the same chemistry in person as there was online). He talked a lot and I found everything he was saying very interesting but I was willing him to move around the table and kiss me. I wasn't going to make the first move.......supposing he didn't fancy me after all. But after a couple of drinks we went for a drive along the road to a car park with a great view and a burger/tea/coffee van. While we waited for our drinks to cool we talked some more and that is when he kissed me. Wow........Swinger knows how to kiss. I was wearing some new crimson silk earings that I had only had for a few days so I took them off putting them on the shelf over the glove compartment. Well it wasn't just the hot drinks that were steaming the car up. We went for a drive into the countryside to get a little, no sorry a lot, more intimate then he drove me back to find my car.

When I got home I realised that I had left my earings in his car. I text him and he said that we would have to meet again so he could return the earings. I didnt expect to hear from him for a week as he was with family over the weekend then going over to the Emmerald Isle with his work for 5 days. But he was in contact over the weekend then when he was away he began texting me complaining that I was being too quiet. We text a lot over the next few days finally deciding to spend a night together in a hotel when he returned. After that night we saw each other about twice a week and spoke on IM or text in between. Then there was the day he was chatting away when he asked what time we were meeting........we hadn't arranged to meet,but he insisted that we did. He really wanted to see me and wouldn't be able to over the next few days.
when we were sitting in his car with our drinks at the same view point as that first night (our regular meeting place) he broke away from kissing me to tell me that he had that morning been told he had got the job he had applied for 6 months earlier. this job would mean that he would be near to his children who still lived in Europe. He had retired from the Army a few years ago but now works as a civilian for them. This was wednesday and his new job started on monday. The next few days were frantic for him getting everything sorted before he left. But we still kept in contact, he promised we would keep our friendship and be in contact the same way while he was away but we just wouldnt see each other although he would be back from time to time. It was two weeks before I heard from him again. Again he was complaining that he hadn't heard from me. He was about to get his internet connection so it would be better. He told me he would be over for a few weeks soon and would see me then so I wasn't to go missing him too much. I didn't hear from him for another couple of weeks then he was texting me on his way home could I book a room at our hotel. He couldn't wait to see me. I was playing it cool though pretending I didn't know what he was looking forward to. We had our night together, he was distant, wasn't really there with me. He had been in Basra while he was away which was why he couldn't send or receive text. we exchanged a couple of text on the sunday evening by which time he had already travelled to where he was going to be on his course for the next two weeks.
I never heard from him again. I sent a few text and a few emails, just chatty stuff but got no reply.
I worried about whether he was safe, if anything happened to him I would never know. Who would even know to tell me. I pined for a while but I was seeing others anyway so that helped.
I wrote about him in august to celebrate his birthday and my memories of him. I emailed it to him, but still I heard nothing.

Until Thursday evening when he sent me a chain email. I replied and he replied and so it went on. He says he needs to do some crawling.............he will answer any questions I have. Today we exchanged a couple of text. Now I wait to see when I hear from him again and what he has to say.

sometimes when I check my stats I see there have been visitors from the country where he was based, I always wondered if it was him. I am pretty sure that I emailed him the blog address when I first started it.

I am sooo glad that I now know he is alive and safe. My life has moved on I have done and seen a lot in his absence. But I still missed him. I had come to believe I would never hear from him again. Today he said he was suprised I still had his mobile number. I never delete numbers until I can't remember who the person is. (I have learnt in the past that if I delete a number I will come to regret deleting it). I have not forgotten Swinger. I may not have mentoned him much but I didn't forget about him.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

omg omg omg!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it

pinch me

I think I am having a dream

it can't be real

he wants to talk on msn but he says I'm showing offline

I can't believe it

is this for real?

I am online but he isn't so why does he say I am not?

I say .............oh so you are a live then?

he says ............yes just

I can't believe it

I didn't think I would ever hear from him again

out of the blue I get an email from him

it must be a dream it can't be true

its not a personal email just a version of the ...........friend for a reason email

he says he needs to do some crawling

I am just pleased he is alive and talking to me even if it is by email cos he cant get the msn to work








and I got a late night text from Neptune :-)

way up on a high

I am on a real high right now!


I have been trying to phone the DWP Debt Management team for days. They are claiming £500+ that I was over paid whilst I was working over Christmas last year. Anyway I finally managed to speak to them and I can pay monthly for 12 months and as I want to make my payments on the first of each month as I get paid on the last day of the month my first payment will be December. So I have another month and it will be paid off by this time next year. So I am really pleased I have got that sorted and it was much less painful than I had anticipated.


But the main reason for being on a high is the job situation. When my friend first persuaded me to take this part time job doing Data Entry it was for 3 months to cover maternity leave until sept. Then in august I was asked to stay until 22/12/07. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about what I am going to do after xmas. I knew there was a possibility there might still be a job for me where I am, but I decided that 6 months of Data Entry was enough. I am worth more than that. It has been good for me to get back into working but I don't want to be doing this for too long. I have been looking at it as a stepping stone to better things.


Today I was asked if I would consider covering maternity leave for Mtba from March 08 until the end of the year. Mtba does all the credit control. So that would be a much more interesting job for me and I did work in accounts many years ago so it wouldn't be totally alien to me. I said it would depend on what work I find after christmas. Obviously I am not going to promise to come back after a 3 month break if I find something else. Apparently they want me to carry on with the Data entry until March. I have said that I am worth more than Data Entry but I will think about it. I am going to see what the going rate of pay is and see if I can negotiate a better rate of pay. But I will probably accept anyway as it means I have job security for another year. Perhaps by then as I will have been there for 18 months by then they will want to keep me on longer.


Today I got through my work really quickly......there was not so much of it today which was just as well as I had taken a chicken and bacon pasta to eat for my lunch. I was able to stop typing and eat properly for a change. Usually it is a race against time to get as many orders as possible onto the system so no break for me. I have been good today no bread or pastry.


Oh and I was exchanging text messages with Neptune before work this morning so that was nice ;-)