I ahve been giving some thought to both internet dating and flirting. I guess to a degree it is because Vi has just begun her adventures with dating on the internet that has got me thinking but it isn't only that. I am registered with several dating sites but when I found Romeo I left a note on each profile saying that I am not currently looking as I ahve found someone who makes my heart sing. I have done this for a couple of reasons.
Partly because I don't want to delete my profiles and then find at some point in the future that I have to set up new ones. But whilst not deleting my profiles I didn't want any potential men wasting their time sending me messages that I wouldn't be replying to. But also I know that N is still on some of the sites and every now and then I get notified that he has been looking at my profiles. I figured that if he thinks I am happy with someone he will leave me alone. I have no intention of ever getting involved with him again so there is no point in us being in contact again. I know that if he thought I was receptive(even though he wouldn't know the word) he would be sending me text and IM messages.
Recently I have hesitated before deleting the emails that tell me I have new matches. I don't open them but I don't delete them straight away. The reason is that a very small part of me is saying it wouldn't do any harm to have a look. You never know who is out there. But as quickly as the thought crosses my mind it is gone again. I know if I go onto the site where I found Romeo the first thing I would do is go to my favourites which tells you the last time your favourites logged onto the site. In the beginning I was constantly looking to see when Romeo was last online. That did help when he went quiet that first time because I could see that he hadn't been on the dating site either so I knew he wasn't just avoiding me. Then I found that my trust in him had grown and I didn't need to keep checking. The last time I did look he hadn't been on there since before my birthday (around the time he was asking me how to delete his profile).
I have not mentioned Romeo much recently because there is not much to say. It is difficult to put my feelings into words. I don't really know what to think or feel at the moment. I don't know whether to be hurt, angry, confused or just simply trusting. I know he has been very ill, I know he has been feeling very low. I know he is often in places that make it difficult to get in contact. I send him emails and text messages but I have no idea how many of them he recieves or when.
Our last conversation was lovely surprise telephone call. He promised to call me again in a few days. He did but I missed it and he left me a voice message (which I have listened to over and over again) hearing his cheerful voice sounding a little unsure what to say when he finds I am not there has helped me over the weeks. after that voice mail I heard nothing from him for almost a week, then I got a text out of the blue telling me thast he was very ill. Another week and another text it was the first day his head had begun to clear, he missed me. Another week and another text he was finally beginning to feel better, he missed me and had been thinking about me. Next day another text should we see if we could meet one evening next week. Now a week later I have heard nothing more.
I don't know what to think. I trust him, I know he hasn't ditched me. I know I will hear from him. I don't need him, to make me happy. I am happy in my life it is all beginning to come together. But that does not stop me wanting him. Wanting the special bond we have built up over the weeks and months. Wanting to see him to touch him to kiss him to make love with him. If I didn't feel this bond with him I would have given up long ago. Some times I feel so disheartened. I don't feel anxious or stressed any more. I know what we have is good, I know he feels it too. I know I just have to be patient. But there are times when I feel as though my patience is wearing thin. I don't know how long I can keep going like this before something breaks. Mr Green says
'I really am impressed at your will power and loyalty to Romeo'.
I don't know if the likes of Lotto, Mr Passinate and Thomas make it easier or harder. They all let me know that they want me. In some ways this is very bad but in others very good. It is good because they make me feel sexy and wanted but bad because they tempt me but I don't want to do anything to spoil what I ahve with Romeo. I know that he trusts me without question, I don't want to break his trust. After all how could I expect to be able to trust him if I do something to break his trust in me.
I enjoy flirting with Lotto and Thomas on IM. I enjoy flirting by text or email with Mr Passionate. But I know it is nothing more than flirting. They are all lovely and sexy men, I enjoy their company. Although we have flirted I ahve not seen any of them for a long time, the last being Mr Passionate on that special friday last summer. Lotto I only met the once in March last year. Whereas Thomas I met several times and planned more encounters, but first his work came between us then mine. Who knows if we might have ever managed to make love, I have told him that it won't happen now but that I envy the woman who does eventually get him there. I feel a little sad that after everything between us we never did make it to bed but at least we do both have the memories of the times we did have and the gift I gave him one sunday afternoon so long ago now.
On the subject of flirting, whilst my marriage was falling apart SF constantly accused me of having affairs and flirting with the men at the football club. I remember thinking about this and coming to the realisation that upto that point and beyond I had never flirted. I don't think I ever conciously flirted even as a teenager. I was never interested in the boys at my school and too shy to mix with any that I didn't know. I was the proverbial wall flower (not quite content) to watch my friends having a good time while I melted into the background. Because I was so shy it puzzled me when at a local disco one lad asked me to dance, he later told me I was 'a cock teaser'. I had not as far as I was aware done or said anything to provoke this response. I wonder if he was in fact just trying the phrase out. I think I was 16 at this time.
I have always had a lot of friends, some close others not so close, but I was always the quiet one in the corner that people didn't notice or at least I never thought they noticed me. You know sometimes I really wanted to be noticed but it was always the bubbly girl who got noticed even though I felt I was prettier, slimmer (in my youth). I always felt I ahd so much more to offer than my friends but I was never noticed , why would anyone notice me when there was this bubbly out going girl or woman who was so much more fun. I was always the serious one. I remember saying to my friend at the football club a few years ago that I felt people just put up with me but she told me I was wrong. She said that everyone thinks I am lovely. I was not convinced but it was nice to be told that.
Over the past two years my confidence has grown enormously. I am still shy when I am in groups, perhaps this is a legacy of being slightly deaf I can't quite follow whats going on when I am in a group. I am much better when there are only two or three of us together. Over the past two years I have grown confident enough to flirt with men online, I can flirt on the phone too (the other person can't see me so that s good). But now my confidence is such that I can also flirt in person but only when I am in the right mood in the right situation with the right person.
I realise also that one reason why I never flirted before was that I was always afraid the other person would take my flirting too literally and think there was more to it when really there wasn't. So I took the safe option of never flirting. How much time did I waste? Now I love flirting and I think I am becoming quite good at it. But of course it always helps when the person I am flirting with is sexy too.
So now I have discovered that I can flirt and enjoy it too and now I ahve a job that allows me to flirt all day. But I can also have an intimate conversation without flirting. There is one man who I talk to regularly, I ahve met him a few times so I know that he is not my type in any way shape or form yet I still find myself having very intimate conversations with him. Mind you I did tell him today that I was not going to fulfil his fantasies over the phone when I work in an open plan office as he very well knows.
So tell me have always flirted or like me are you a late starter?
Is flirting just harmless fun that helps the world go around or is it a dangerous game to play?
have you had any particulary good or bad experiences of flirting?
“Doing” a Doctorate – week 32
2 days ago