Monday, 12 May 2008

emails and voices

A couple of weeks ago I exchanged email addresses at work with one of the customers I talk to often. During one of our conversations I mentioned the piece I wrote about paint roller refills recently. He showed an interest so I sent it to him. Today he sent me this:

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped."Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing.""C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.""So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very oldwoodenbox, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.The businessman laughed, and said,

"Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to thedoor, and started pounding the keyhole.The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box! "The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more."I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch.

"After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!

"The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my arse.


Now how on earth am I going to have a sensible conversation with him ever again. So I emailed him back......... Well that has shattered the illusion.

Pray what illusion

I don't do praying that would be a waste of time (what I didn't say was that I can think of other things to do when I am on my knees)

OK forget praying....what illusion

I really thought you were a gentleman

It will be interesting to see if he comes back with anything else.

Its a good thing my boss was out of the office as she has begun saying that she knows who I am talking to whenever I am chatting to him.......I guess now I had better think of a name for him in case I mention him again. Now let me see.........Biffa or maybe LV (lovely voice). which reminds me that I had to confess I had been thinking about him just seconds before he phoned today. I had just been talking to one of our Reps who I think has a very nice voice and I always call him young man which tickles him because although I don't think he sounds it he is apparently nearer 60 than 50. I had just put the phone down and was thinking that his voice reminds me of someone then remembered it was Biffa aka LV when the phone rang again and it was him.

Oh and tonight I have been exchanging emails with my very first internet friend from years 8 years ago, I know it is 8 years as she has just told me that the new grandaughter who came along whilst we were friends is now 7!! We kept in touch for several years but then life got in the way for a while. " days ago she sent me a chain email and I sent her a short note back, there were three of us originally I kept in touch wit the other lady for a little longer. Until my marriage was in melt down and SF was checking my emails etc we had a huge row when he read a supportive email from her, that was the day I thought he was going to rape me, about 3 years ago.


Mei Del said...

he should forever be known as VP

Lady in red said...

Mei I did think about something along those lines....I shall have to give it some thought or perhaps he will give his own ideas if he were to read this, which I wouldn't put it past him to find this if he hasn't already.

Gypsy said...

That was hilarious!!

Lady in red said...

update this morning I got sent his own email addy, I am not sure what I meant to do with this but I did write it down and bring it home.

somebody said...