Nothing!!

Reading a post on nitebyrd’s blog at the weekend reminded me that I never did tell you what happened to Coach who was going to be the big romance back in January. He was a fairly local divorced man my age. He had worked as a manager at the very big factory/distribution place next door to my workplace, but this had been demolished and relocated further down the coast a few years ago so we were in fact passing each other on the motorway each morning. He seemed to be a genuinely caring man and what we found we had in common was the time we have both spent following our son’s football teams. He also coaches in another sport in his spare time. Yes you guessed it, that’s where he got his name from.

I was playing it real cool, taking my time to reply to his emails and text messages, none of which had any sexual overtones. It was refreshing to talk to a man who didn’t seem to be ruled by sex. We had lots to talk about without that. He rang me a few times and seemed nice. We arranged to meet for a drink after work on a Tuesday evening. However before that he rang me on the Sunday inviting me for an impromptu drink at a hotel mid way between our homes.

We had a very nice drink and chat, after a while he began to touch my hand in a nice gentle understanding way. Until eventually he just took a hold of my hand. As described here we then went back to his house. As we were drinking our tea he became very amorous which I hadn’t expected. This was after all the man who had never been the slightest bit sexual in any of our exchanges. I was enjoying his kisses but when his hand wandered to my zip and into my jeans I started to resist even saying no a few times but he wore down my resistance, besides what did it matter if I gave in now as this was the start of something really good. Hadn’t he just mentioned treating people as you want them to treat you, hadn’t he been asking how soon we should think about meeting each other’s children. This was not some seedy one night(day) stand. So, when he took my hand and led me to his bedroom. I just followed secure in the knowledge that this was only the first of many times.

In his bed he was having trouble keeping hard so I took things into my own hands and of course my mouth. Soon he was very ready for action, I was careful not to show off just how wonderful I am and just kept things nice and simple. He suggested trying a different position but I just stuck to the tried and tested good old faithful missionary. Out of nowhere he asked…………

Do you do this often?

I ignored his question. Later we were dressed and back downstairs snuggled together on his sofa and he asked me if I would still be ok for Tuesday as he really wanted to see me again soon. He took me back to my car and we kissed goodbye.

Later I emailed him to say thanks for a very nice time but that I was concerned that he seemed to think I did this often. I didn’t get a reply. I figured he was busy with his children. Monday came and went, nothing! I sent him a text that just a simple x.
Tuesday, the day we were due to meet again, still nothing. Two and a half months later I have still heard nothing from him. I decided not to send any further text or emails. He was obviously not the charming man I had thought. He was obviously a cold calculating good for nothing low life.

I could have let this and my earlier experience with Skipper make me cynical about all men. I didn’t, I became wary but not too cynical. Yes I know I should still be careful. Things are going very well with Romeo other than that we still have not met yet due to his work keeping him out of the country. I trust him 95% but I still keep one eye and ear watching out for any clues that he may not be who and what he says. If it turns out that I got it wrong yet again then so be it I shall just shrug my shoulders and move on again. Life is too short to be afraid to live it. I am taking a giant leap of faith with Romeo but I trust him not to let me down. We talk for hours every night now. He is as hooked on me as I am on him. I know it won’t be too long now before we are together. Having said that after all these weeks it seems impossible to think that it will ever be any other way for us. Anyway I must post this now as Romeo will be online soon and I don’t want to waste any time that we have.

mum's garden

As some of you have commented on my mum's garden I thought i would show you one of the pictures I had to edit so that you could see the squirrel..........

if you look carefully you can still see him

Mr Squirrel

Today I visited my mum

from her window I watched this little fellow

he kept slipping down the pole

but he was hanging on for dear life
eventually he managed to get some nuts
success at last and it had stopped raining for a few minutes

Happier

After my panic attack last night I was just reading a few blogs before going to bed to read. Mmmm reading has been a love of mine since I was knee high to a grasshopper (oops I still am). But I have not done enough reading recently.

It was about 11.20pm and I was getting tired. I wasn't expecting to hear from Romeo as he had already emailed and text me earlier during a meeting.........very naughty (he said it was a good thing the other 7 people couldn't see his screen.) knowing that he was an hour ahead of us I assumed he would be in bed already.


So I was amazed when this window opened up flashing orange to tell me that 'my romeo' was online saying hello. We chatted, we talked about my stories he agreed not to read my first story but as we had talked about it I said he could if he wanted to. we discussed how my style has altered since I first began writing. Then he read the story that I had been panicking about. He was amazed at my imagination but liked my understanding of the male/female sexuality. we talked a lot considering that he was very tired by the time we finally said good night it was 12.45am for me so 1.45am for him.

By the way I began writing this post on thursday evening and now it is friday night/saturday morning.

On thursday morning I managed to leave my phone in my car until I realised when I had to phone OJ about parents evening at college. when I retrieved my phone I found a text from Romeo thanking me for our chat on wednesday night. Of course I replied that there was no need to thank me. It is nice that he does though. Thursday evening was quite busy for me with parents evning then having to take JA to and from the youth club he has recently joined with his new friends who all live in the village where this youth club is. In the summer he will be able to cycle there. He is growing up and becoming much more independant so quickly but he will always be my baby.

I had begun this post whilst he was at the YC. BUt when I got back from collecting him ET was using my computer for his homework. I think that is fr more important than what I was doing especially as his exams start ofter the holiday........OMG I just realised its only another week before they break up for two weeks!!! I am sure its next week as the friday after is my birthday and they will be home that week.

Anyway as I was saying I didn't get back online so went to bed as I was tired (so tired that I forgot to set my alarm and consequently overslept this morning). At about 11.45pm ET finished his work and left my room so I went online and found a message from Romeo saying that he was ' sorry I missed you tonight'

I didn't hear from him all day today. I wrote him an email telling him I had been having a grown up evening finally getting brave enough to check my credit report and doing things that will improve my situation. I then went on to say that I didn't know if I would hear from him as I don't seem to on fridays. But not long after sending my email he was online chatting. He hadn't yet read my email. It seems that he can't get enough of talking to me. Tonight though was a very different type of conversation. We had our first 'intelligent' conversation. It seems we have similar thoughts about government spin and other such topics. I really feel as though I have found my soul mate. Alas my poor Romeo couldn't chat for long tonight as he was very tired having been up since 5.30am and has a breakfast meeting tomorrow. I am worried that he will make himself ill working so hard for such a prolonged period.

Impatient

Boy do I wish I had been less impatient.

I had not long gone online this evening when I received an email from Romeo telling me how much he desires me. Without thinking I sent him January Heat aka I love my kids but (without the first part). I did check it over before sending it. But I was checking for spelling and grammatical mistakes. After I had sent it I saw Pixie's comment on my last post and realised what I had done. I then took the time to really read my story for the first time in ages. I can't believe that
a) I dreampt that up,
b) actually wrote it and
c) actually was foolish enough to send it.

I have tried a spot of damage limitation.
first I text him to let him know that I ahd just taken the time to read my story and couldn't believe I had dreampt it up let alone written it.
Secondly I have now emailed him asking him not to read it until I am with him and could perhaps read it to him. At FC's suggestion I have now sent him 'You' but first deleted the very last line. suggeting that this would give hima better picture of how my mind works. Fingers crossed that he will respect my wishes and not read January Heat yet. I trust him enough to believe that if I have asked him not to read it then he won't unless it was already too late. If he has read it then I hope he finds it very erotic and doesn't take it to heart. I hadn't realised until now just how obvious it is that this story was written with a particular lover in mind.

I just hope it doesn't put him off which was my reason for not telling him about my stories in the first place.










UPDATE

we have chatted online, he has not yet read the story I was panicking about but loves 'You'. We have talked about 'January Heat' so I think everything is fine. Damn!! he was reading it as we were chatting.

'I have read your banned story as we have been talking, wow, some imagination but also a profound insight into male female sexuality'

aww he is being so lovely and not the slightest bit judgemental just very encouraging.

unexpected dilema

Ok guys I need your help.

During a delightful phonecall with Romeo this evening I made a confession.
He has known from the start that I write. Well if he hadn't figured that out by now from my emails he must be asleep. Anway I have been keeping my sexuality underwraps. I didn't want to scare him off. But the last few nights we have been very intimate in our texts, IMs and tonight's phone call. I confided that I write erotica...........possibly a stupid thing to do but we are both being honest we are both allowing each other behind the walls that we had both built up. Considering the subject of our conversation I felt it would be wrong to keep secrets and it was just a natural thing to tell him. So now my dilema.

He wants me to send him a small selection of my stories so that he can see how my mind works and what my secret fantasies are. He wants me to send him an early one and a later one plus one other. This is where you guys have to help me. He doesn't want me to give too much thought to what I want him to read. I mustn't sensor what he reads. So if you have any favourites from the ones that are found here in the side bar please let me know. If you have not read them before my stories are under the title ................Probably fantasy but can you be sure.

At the moment I am thinking perhaps working late, but I am not sure what else, should I let him read the very first one I love my kids but (otherwise known as January heat)

The more I chat to Romeo the more I like him. He is very different to other men I know, he is not only romantic but respectful too. He is away again at the moment and had been hoping to see me at the end of this week but things have gone pear shaped again. However he has made a note of my birthday and will do his very best to see me on that day if not before.

shattered

I'm going back to work for a rest tomorrow

Today was furniture move day.

I am not sure when or why I decided last week that I wanted to change my living room around. In the past (we have been in this house 11 years next month) we have moved the 3 seater sofa, we have moved the table at the end of the room but not this time.

this time I moved everything.
The TV is where the two seater sofa was.
The computer and drum kit are where the three seater sofa and small cabinet were.
The two seater sofa is at right angle to where the three seater sofa was making a barrier across The alcove where the computer now is.
The three seater sofa is now along the opposite wall to the two seater (where the computer , drum kit and filing cabinet were).
The filing cabinet and small wooden cabinet are where the TV was.
I have been shopping and made a trip to the tip at which time it began snowing and fitted in cooking a roast chicken for the boys.

I think after this I shall follow Pixie's example and have a soak in the bath.

This morning Romeo text me that he feels even closer to me after last nights two text sessions

Teasing

Today my family had a meal out in an Italian restaurant. It was a real education for my boys to try different dishes. The pasta and sea food were delicious but the desserts were devine.



I am not going to post our conversations very often but I thought I would share this one with you. I just enjoyed teasing Romeo so much.



hi, hope you are having a good Easter. Keep thinking of you and what I would like to do with you xxxxxxxx



It has been lovely but very cold. Have missed you. Talking of what you would like to do a question came into my mind earlier about something I have never done but would like to try with the right person. xxxxxxx



So you should be a writer, so tell meeeeeeeeeee, please xxxxxx



what do you mean I should be a writer? I have begun a new story by the way.





well done, what would you like to try? you can tell me about the story later.



Well it involves two people, they have to be able to trust each other particularly the one who it is happening to has to really trust their partner. I think I would enjoy either role.





so tell me all, it sounds very interesting



It was something I read yesterday that posed the question wouldn't you like to experience this. I thought about it and the answer was yes. Even if I found that once was enough. Do you enjoy being teased?



I adore it in every way, I hope you like physical teasing. so share so I may imagine the pleasure for both of us.



Teasing is a major part of it. It would be no good without teasing especially naked flesh. Teasing and trust are two of the main ingredients.



so what roles would we play, hmmm. Be bold and declare your intention bold and sexy temptress



Ah but I am enjoying teasing you from afar as it is the closest I can get to teasing you for real. don't spoil my fun and theres nothing stopping you from guessing. What would you like it to be?



I see pink silk gently holding you, so that you let go and be totally in the feelings as you come repeatedly to my wicked touch and to your delight



I hadn't envisaged the colour pink other than in relation to flesh but that sounds good to me. It seems we are on the same wave length ;-x



Yes playing both roles sounds fantastic. I can imagine you stretching and sighing during intense multiple orgasms. mmmmmmmm. alas I must go as about to go out for dinner. After this I shall be thinking of you writhing xxxxxxxxx











Was it cruel of me to tease him for so long?
Oh and things got much hotter after he returned from his meal.

a walk on the wet side

Hello mum its DC

where are you

At the beach

what are you doing there

walking

but its snowing

Hail all

It's 3am and I am woken by the wind and rain. It takes me an hour of tossing and turning, of hugging my pillows to me as I think about my Romeo wishing he was here to marvel at the storm, to hold me in his strong safe arms protecting me from the elements.

Now it is around 8am and I am awake again, no work today as it is a bank holiday. My back hurts as it has done often recently. I need to get a new bed, but that will have to wait until I can afford it. I check my emails etc, I don't go downstairs as there are 3 twelve yr old boys sleeping in the lounge. I have checked that ET has gone out to do his paper round and have roused DC to remind him he still has work today. After a while listening to the rain lashing against the window and the wind howling at everything in sight I turn on my radio then climb back into bed. The first song I hear is - A woman in love - perhaps this is true, but how can I be in love with someone I have never met in person.

I am thinking about my Romeo, about how it will feel to have his fingers touching my body. I begin to quiver with excitement. I can barely contain myself. If ever I needed the touch of a man it is now. But not just any man it has to be this man. This man who I so much want to meet, I want to see his smile as he talks, I want to touch his face and trace the line of his jaw. I want to breathe in his scent. I want to run my fingers through his soft brown mane of hair. I want to run my fingers across his chest making my way south as his fingers caress me with his own gentle touch. I want to taste his lips as they cover mine in that first passionate kiss. I feel the heat rising in my groin, I feel this desire for this man who has captured my heart so easily. I allow my fingers to explore that damp place I have been trying to ignore recently. I feel as though I am betraying this man by not waiting for his touch. But I comfort myself with the idea that I am merely using my own fingers in the way that I want his to do, I pretend to myself that I am following his instructions, that I am giving him this pleasure. I come oh so quickly, my breathing rapid for a moment steadys back to normal and my face is covered in the biggest smile.

I drift off into a pleasant dream, one in which I receive a phone call asking if I am alright.

'I am fine, just missing you'

But in my dream it is not my Romeo who is calling me and I feel a fool. I wake again, the curtains are billowing in the stiff breeze as the wind continues to howl its protest. The splatter of rain on my window becomes the rattle of hail against the glass, my curtains straining now to escape the restriction of the curtain pole, the fierce wind bites my face the hail is stinging my skin and my picture of my lovely Romeo is covered in pieces of ice. Yes my window has never been repaired and still won't close, which is fine except on days like this. I wonder how many other people are assaulted by a face full of hail whilst they are still in bed!

gone mad

At the weekend I went mad

Firstly I decided to take a skirt to the dry cleaner's to be repaired. The only thing wrong with it is that the zip has broken. It is costing me £9.95 to have a new zip put in. I think I bought the skirt for about £5 so basically I am paying double the amount for the zip than I paid for the skirt in the first place. But I really like this skirt, I like the cut of it, I love the way it falls in soft folds, the way it swings as I walk. I love the feel of the soft brown fabric (I forget what material it's made from) but it just feels so lovely. So to me it is worth paying to get a new zip put in.

secondly, when I went to the dry cleaner's I was parked outside my hair salon and decided to make an appointment for just after payday at the end of the month. Now this is where the insanity really kicked in. I only had my hair cut 2 weeks ago so it isn't due another cut for at least a month. So because I feel like getting my hair done I opt for a colour treatment instead.

My natural hair is dark brown although I am sure it is now more a case of salt and pepper. But over the last two or is it three years I have been adding colour, sometimes auburn, other times chestnut and sometimes just some light streaks to break up the colour. THe last couple of times my son's have assisted in applying the hair colouring. The result being that instead of streaks the coulours ahve merged into one great spread of copper. So I am going to get a 'T cut' what ever that means. This should result in some darker streaks to break up the pale copper effect that in some light can appear blonde..........that explains my recent behaviour.........I have been looking in the mirror and thinking I am blonde..........started having too many blonde moments.

Now this has to be one of my greatest blonde moments. My regular hairdresser is not free to do a colour treatment on the day I chose so I ahve the manageress doing it (she has cut my hair the last two times anyway) But this means that I ahve to pay the higher fee for the priviledge. So £60 for the colour treatment and £21 for the cut and blowdry this is going to be my most expensive hair cut ever. OMG £81 the most I ahve ever paid has been the last couple of times at £33 a time and I am not keen on paying that much so posh bird has promised to give me the number of her hairdresser.

So damage limitation called for.........good old mother has agreed to this being my early birthday present.

My Romeo

He's back, he's back, he's back, he's back, he's back

with his black and white cat

ooooppss not really ''giggles''



My Romeo is back in Europe (still not in UK)

He text me this morning whilst I was at work (several times)

he has missed me, but where he was ''nothing works''



Ok I know there are cynics out there thinking 'here we go again......she's been taken in again by some guy with lame excuses'

I don't care what anyone thinks, maybe I am being gullible, maybe his tales of being in places where there is only a very poor internet connection and no mobile signal are just that. Maybe he is stringing me a line. A very small part of me is keeping a wary eye out for this. I am not 100% naive even if I am 99%. But for the moment he makes me happy and in my book that counts for a hell of lot. I would far rather feel happy, then have my hopes dashed to the ground yet again,
than to not have this happines in the first place.



There has to be the occasinal good guy out there and how will I find one unless I learn to trust. Not every man out there is a complete prat......(I could use worse words but they don't come easily for me) so why should I tar every single man with the same brush just because some have let me down badly. If Romeo turns out not to be the man I believe him to be then I shall just move on. But for now I am happy so please don't rain on my parade.

Taking a break

I'm knackered!!
Ok so I have not been to the gym for a couple of weeks, ran out of time one Sunday then last Sunday I was busy helping Harvey, I thought it would be an hour or two, I was there for 6 hours sorting him out. He has thanked me but said that I had embarrassed him. It seems that he was not as cool with me being there as a platonic friend as he made out. either it didn't show or I just wasn't looking for signs. He is a nice guy but just not my intellectual equal. Fine for a quick fling (well 4 days is quick isn't? whilst not being a one night stand), but not a long term option.

I have been feeling fat all week probably due to the amount I have been eating in the last two weeks. I really want to not do this as I want to look my best when Romeo returns home. But I guess it has been the lack of having him there to talk to plus the stress of the last few weeks over DC and his precarious job situation, I have not felt the inclination to do the hours chatting and playing online so I have been reaching for food instead.....but I have been eating more at work too. So hopefully this unaccustomed exercise will help to burn off a few of these extra calories.

So what am I doing apart from trying to keep myself occupied? I am spring cleaning.
I am clearing out my house of as much clutter as I can manage. I am clearing out my internet stuff too. I have reduced my msn contacts to a more manageable number, getting rid of those I don't talk to anymore. Anyone who is connected to my days of being highly sexual apart from those who have become friends anyway including Forest. does it surprise you that we still chat? I am sure you would be surprised at some of the conversations we have although we steer clear of one subject. Oxo on the other hand is being petulant, he says hi, asks how I am and how work is going but then he will ask how my love life is or I going to visit him. When he doesn't get the reply he wants he just goes offline. I can't be bothered with his behaviour now if he doesn't want to be friends then he can go be miserable on his own.

I am sad that I ahve not heard from Romeo now for a week, but I am trying to be positive and be patient (I don't know how long for though). did I tell you that I could hear his voice in my head on Wednesday afternoon when I was walking through the warehouse. The odd thing about that apart from me hearing his voice as clear as anything but at that time he was online on the dating site. (I don't know how long for but that was the last time he logged onto the site). I am guessing he thought about me and as I was in a quiet place his thoughts came to me telling me that I will get through my problems as I am strong enough. I have just been clearing out all the old messages from my mail box on the dating site, I have saved all the ones to and from Romeo but got rid of the rest. In doing this I noticed that he has kept all of mine right from the very first apart from one about 6th from the start which he has deleted. this helps me to feel positive. In the last few days I have done a new tarot reading each day just to be sure. they have each been different but all have been positive telling me that my life is about to improve, I am about to be swept off my feet, I am strong and I need to be patient. I am about to fall in love unconditionally.

I received a phone call (or three) at work on Thursday, the Housing Association who own my home want to survey my house for asbestos. I thought the asbestos had been removed last year when the scaffolding was up. When the gutters etc were replaced. But no they want to invade my home for an hour this Wednesday, while they poke about checking every room for traces of asbestos. I have arranged for my mum to come over for the time they will be here as I can't afford to take the time off from work. Yesterday I brought home a box of 100 builders rubble sacks. I have told the kids they have to fill as many sacks as they can. This is a good time to have a thorough clear out. The sacks can then either be stacked in the garage or taken to the tip. I can see myself driving to the tip many times tomorrow. I also have a washing pile 4' high so gradually getting through that. I ahve been sorting out my clothes in my wardrobe so that my clothes go from left to right according to size 18/20 down to 14(all of which have fitted me at some point in the last 18 months.)

Now I suppose I have sat here long enough I am cold again so I best crack on (and crack the whip get those lads doing some more work).

predictions

A couple of days ago I decided to do a tarot reading using the link on Pixie's blog. It has been many months since the last reading I did. I am not really all that clued up on the meanings of the cards but if this reading means anything like what I take it to mean then life will be looking up for me. see what you think and if you like you can tell me your predictions for me based on these cards.

Love, Lovers, Loving and all that jazz...

Present SituationWhere things are currently sitting.

Four of Pentaclesl...The picture on this card shows a dark haired woman dressed in a robe and a crown on her head. She holds three pentacles in front of her and one is above her crown. Behind her is a brick wall symbolising strength, protection and safety. The pentacles ofcourse represent her finances and how she manages them. She is shrewd, careful and very practical. She is securing her financial future and will soon be rewarded for her patience and endurance. If you are this woman you are about to finally achieve your goal of financial security and freedom. You will be able to protect yourself from the adversities of the past and gain total financial control of your life. You may also be able to teach what you have learnt to others.



Your World - Your FocusWhat surrounds you currently, how others view you, where you are both mentally and spiritually.

Four of Cups...The picture on this card shows a hand holding a cup and this is reaching out from a cloud and presenting the cup to a person who is surrounded by leaves and there is a hill in the background and many trees. There are three cups full of liquid in the foreground. This can represent an offer to be considered. Sometimes it can symbolise that the person is reluctant to accept any offers. However, the wise person should at least investigate what is being presented, rather than dismissing it without knowing all the facts. Something can arise out of the blue and be a surprise. If you happen to notice that your circumstances may alter quite significantly if you take up some new direction, then proceed with assurance that this is the right path for you at this point in time



Your Lovers World - Their FocusWhat surrounds your Lover currently, how others view them, where they are both mentally and spiritually.

Ace of Pentacles...This card shows a large pentacle in the middle which is symbolic of material wealth and abundance. If you should receive this card in your layout, and it is representative of a future event, then you will be surprised to learn that one of your greatest financial wishes is about to come true. This can bring financial stability to those who have never had it before in their life.



Nature of your Issues togetherEither past influences or current what surrounds you both.

King of Swords...Physically he is usually tall and relatively slim. Sometimes bearded and with piercing eyes, either blue or black. He sometimes gives an austere appearance. He may look like he doesn't smile too often. He may not age well and could tend to look rather weathered or older than he actually is, even at a young age. Mostly he would have dark hair. Conservative in attire most of the time. Serious manner in appearance and clothing. Personality: Can be abrasive, tactless and have a harsh attitude towards life and his efforts for survival. He may have fought various battles, personal or in times of war, that have left him feeling empty and scarred. He may even have a physical scar on his face or hands. He tends to treat people abrubtly, as if they annoy him just by their presence. He is serious and often secretive. Often, what he doesn't say, says it all. His look can condemn. He likes to be in charge and in control of his life and his environment. He is generally in business suits or a uniform of some type. He appreciates the discipline of keeping up appearances and likes his boots polished very well. He may actually collect old relics or swords as a hobby and enjoy cleaning and polishing them and putting them on display in his home. He is generally tidy by nature, methodical and despising clutter and useless items. He believes that life is meant to involve hard work and he would not like to be unemployed at any time, as he likes the structures of time and discipline in his well-ordered life. He would appreciate a good steak. He dislikes waste and frivolity. He has the gift of intelligence, commonsense and foresight. He likes to have well-defined plans and goals. He is a stickler for rules and doing his duty. He is a born leader. He appreciates time. He is capable of being the instructor. Occupations suited to him would be the head of a company or large organisation. Also he would make a great surgeon, doctor, police officer, dentist or anything that involves the use of sharp items or weapons. He would make a good soldier, warrior, fighter or leader of a revolution. His future lies in being more open to others if he is to feel fulfilled at the end of his life. He could fall in love again, or renew his vows with his wife if already married. He is faithful though observant of the beauty of women. He especially admires women of grace and good manners. He is as vulnerable as the next man, but rarely shows it. He will have a relationship if she shows enough direct interest in him. Querent's card. If this is you, now is the time to make a clean break with what you have been doing up until now. Sever the past and start anew. You can heed the challenge. You are brave and can face anything the future holds. Just say yes! If you are not the querent and this card appears, I suggest that you allow this person to be themselves. Do not stand in this man's way, he will rollercoaster over you without even noticing you were stood there in the first place. He can be the most sincerest friend, only after you have proven your friendship to him, never before.



Obstacles to overcomeAreas that need to be illuminated, places that need to be worked through.

Queen of Cups...The picture on this card shows a beautiful woman, dressed in a gown that could be a wedding dress. This is holding a cup between her hands as if she has just been given this by someone in front of her. She has lovely blonde hair that is braided and she wears pearl earrings and some pearls around her hair. She wears an elaborate head dressing and there is a large fan in the background. She is stood beside the ocean. If this is you, then you may be about to get married or even have your first child. You are sensitive and caring and very family orientated. You are immaculately well groomed and have great pride in your appearance. You could be about to achieve a position that is very dear to your heart. If this is not you, then someone you know already, or whom you are about to meet, who is described by this card is about to enter your life and make a huge impact on your lifestyle.



Lessons & Signs to watch forThe Divine Universal watch tower! Signs to signal their impending arrival, areas that need illuminating... only you will know that which needs to be seen.

Page of Cups...The picture on this card is of a youngish person, who is often male, though this can indicate a female. He is colourfully dressed and wears a hat and some plumage in it. He carries some red flowers, and a cup with a fish jumping about in it. He looks content and yet very innocent. He could be about to embark on a new career or had just graduated from college, university or from law school. He is clean shaven, either blue or black eyes and has lovely sleek hair. He loves to wear bright coloured clothing which reflects his warmth and compassion for others. If you draw this card and the person is yourself, you may discover some new career direction that will lead you towards prosperity. If it is someone else, they could become very important to you, either by becoming your new best friend, or your lover or husband/wife. This person is also highly sensitive and should therefore only mix with people who are positive and enthusiastic. There may also be some special occasion coming up where you have to put on your best threads.



Your Hopes, Fears, DesiresWhat is it that your soul really wants and needs.

The Devil...This could be the little devil who is prankish or disruptive in the classroom or with other playmates. However it can also be a strong and forceful element in a grown up that unleashes its tremendous energies at whoever stands in the way of his/her desires. This is considered a Trump card, and therefore contains many powers to be utilised as the needs or desires arise. Someone can be incredibly possessive and dominating around you if you pull this card out in your reading. Often they have a love/hate relationship with someone and it could be getting out of control. Someone is madly in love with or wants to control the actions of another and this should not be allowed to continue as it represents one persons victory at the cost of another's defeat, and to great distress for the one defeated. If you are trying to succeed in business it is likely that you will with this card as there is no stopping the determination and the will to succeed. Someone may be power hungry around you and their ambitions are stirred to such an extent that failure is inconceivable to them. Do not anger or irritate those who show the slightest signs of violence or hostilities, for to unleash the devil has no boundaries or limitations to the trail of devastation it can leave in its wake.



Your Lovers Hopes, Fears, Desires What is it that your lovers soul really thirsts for?

Ten of Wands...This card shows a man struggling with a heavy load. This may reflect some aspect of your life where you feel a little overwhelmed and unable to continue without a strong will and a determination not to fail. Your motives are of high standing and you only want what is best for everyone concerned. You will soon gain the feather in your cap and be able to move freely through life as if the coast is finally clear. Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation. Give yourself every effort to succeed and you surely will.



What Challenges your RelationshipAreas that require awareness and attention.

Queen of Wands...The picture on this card is of a woman wearing a crown and beautiful clothes and a robe, with a wand in one hand and a lovely golden sunflower in the other. There is an abundance of green leaves around the flower and the wand. She looks serene and calm. She is obviously a woman of considerable power and influence. She also appears warm and welcoming. She has lovely blonde hair and blue eyes. She displays an air of sophistication and strength. If you are this woman then you have truly found your destiny. If this is the woman you are about to become, then rest assured your future is secure and you will find all of your needs met. You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love with and marry. This may develop during the warmer months of the year, as in Spring or Summer. If this is someone you know, then value her friendship, for she is loyal and trustworthy. If you are a male, you may meet this woman through a friend and become involved with her in a romantic relationship. If you are a young person, this person could be your mother or a teacher, or both.



The Final OutcomeThe Final Card, the outcome of it all, the future of your relationship.

Wheel of Fortune...This card is a delight to arrive in your reading. Not only can it bring about an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you, but that you are finally taking the lead in the direction of your own life and your ultimate destiny. This card suggests not so much that events happen to you, but rather that you instigate many major changes to bring about a new life with new challenges and renewed hope. You may decide to leave a job, leave a partner, or go overseas and the decisions you make with regards to these will be so swift that you will shatter some people's impressions that you were once a stable and slow mover. Now all things must change, and change swiftly. If you should happen to win the lottery or some other good fortune befalls you, make sure you know exactly what you want to do with your new-found freedom, independence and wealth. The bolt out of the blue is likely to happen just when you thought you were in a rut and didn't anticipate anything was going to alter. Opportunities can arise thick and fast and leave you gasping for air between this offer and that. Don't allow anyone to push you into anything you are unsure of.

I am

I'm tired

I'm sad

I'm having an early night

good night

Life after Cancer

Life after Cancer

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital. It will be my yearly check up, hopefully I will continue to be told that everything is fine and I can now be signed off their care list. For those of you who don’t know the history of this I was diagnosed with cervical cancer on 9th March 2001. That day and that date are indelibly etched on my memory. It’s odd how I can remember the date I was told I had cancer but the date I was told I had the all clear is somewhat hazy. I remember it was late September 2001 I had an appointment in October for the results of the most recent tests but it was brought forward.

So it is almost 6 ½ years since I was told that my cancer had all gone and my body is now clear of all traces of cancerous cells. Great that must mean the end of my cancer. But no, that was just the start of it all. My daily trips to the hospital for radiotherapy had long ago ended. My three days of isolation in the contamination ward unable to move, being sick at regular intervals, all that was over. The invasive exploratory operations to see what was going on inside my body had ceased. I was clear. I could get on with my life without cancer, couldn’t I? It took a few months for my body to recover my strength sufficiently to start getting back to some semblance of normality.

My body continued to suffer the effects of my treatment. The radiotherapy had been so close to both my bladder and bowel that I had side effects in that my control over, both these organs were severely hampered. For a few months I had such little confidence in my body behaving that I rarely left the house. On those occasions when I did I had to be certain that I knew where the nearest convenience (rest room) was. I had to continue the diet I had been on during my treatment which meant very little roughage. I missed my fruit and vegetables, wholemeal bread, anything with fibre in it. I only had to eat an apple and I would go running to the bathroom. My kids took to saying


‘mummy only runs when she needs the toilet’.

No matter where I go or how long I am gone the very first thing I do when I get to my destination is rush to the bathroom, all my family are used to that now. Gradually over the last few years this situation has improved but I do still have some problems. I don’t have time to decide to hold on until later, when I need to go I need to do so very soon, its like being a toddler again (not that I remember being a toddler myself).

When I took the last of the many tablets I was on during my treatment I thought that would be the end of the drugs. It wasn’t. Now it’s the hormone replacement drugs to prevent the lining of my womb from growing. I need this to reduce the chance of getting cancer of the womb. When I first learnt that I had a tumour I believed that I would have a hysterectomy the cancer would be removed along with my womb. Apparently my tumour was too large, too advanced for surgery, hence the 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy followed by 3 days of continuous internal radiotherapy. (3 radioactive rods inserted into my cervix for 3 days). I wouldn’t recommend anyone try this unless they have to. So I started having 3 monthly appointments at the menopause clinic (I was 38) so that I could have oestrogen and testosterone implants. Then finally I began a course of progesterone tablets. The menopause symptoms like hot flushes were short lived once I started the HRT.


So here I am in my mid forties, knowing that I never have to go through the awful pain I had endured since my mid teens every time I menstruated (I can’t say monthly as I was not regular it could be 2 weeks or several months between menstruation, it always caught me by surprise).I also know that I have been through a sort of menopause, I have had my hot flushes etc. I no longer have a working womb, although I had been sterilised when I was 33 at the time of my third caesarean section when my fourth son was born, so that didn’t make any real difference to me.

Initially when I was given the all clear I was to continue with a series of hospital checkups which would be every three months for a couple of years then it became every four months then 6 months. By the time 5 years were approaching I was convinced I would be discharged from care of the hospital. But no they wanted to keep me under their care for a little longer, at least by this time it had become yearly checks.

So my cancer was removed from my body more than 6 ½ years ago but I still have the hormone treatment, the bowel and bladder problems and the check ups. To anyone on the outside the cancer is forgotten but for me it is ever present in my life, as is the threat of a recurrence of this all too often devastating disease.

Perhaps tomorrow I will get an early birthday present and be discharged by the hospital. One more link with my illness cut from my life.








UPDATE

after waiting for an hour in the Oncology clinic it was my turn. a very quick eamination and I was told everything looks good and I should come back in 12 months time. So I know exactly where I shall be at 10am on tuesday 10th March 2009

Spiderman

I pinched this from DJ Kirkby, I am not sure that it is me to a tee but lets see what you think.


Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 70% Superman 60% Robin 60% The Flash 55% Catwoman 55% Supergirl 52% Green Lantern 50% Hulk 45% Batman 40% Wonder Woman 37% Iron Man 35%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

WAR CHILD

I have posted my submission to the WAR CHILD book over on Lady in Red Writes. I very rarely post on there these days but that is probably because I have not been writing much of late. Perhaps I shall get back to some proper writing very soon

Spring cleaning

I have begun to do a spot of spring cleaning

any pictures that I am not happy with ie show too much cleavage or too much leg etc are going. I am cleaning up my act. My Romeo is not like the other men who have come and gone in my life. He thinks I am fairly innocent and I am not going to dissillusion him. If, as things progress, he wants any sexy pictures of me then he will have to take them himself.

I feel as though this is all a fairy tale............fairy tales don't happen to middle aged women or at least they don't happen to this middle aged woman. thats why I want to do my best not to spoil what we have.

a brighter note

I got an excited text from OJ this morning.

He had just got his results for his mock As level exams

He got A for every one of his exams

He had the highest grade in his class for ICT

He was hoping for a B in ICT and Law but is well chuffed with straight A's

He is my little (not so little) star

This good news has come at just the right time.

Absolutely Livid

I have been under stress for nearly a week now and I am hoping that this stress is soon to come to an end. I feel agitated, I am livid, I worry for not just him but myself and the boys also. He just didn't think as usual. He didn't realise the knock on effect his actions could cause.

Tonight I phoned him from my car and told him that I did not want to see him. He obliged by keeping out of my way. Since then we have talked and although the situation has not been resolved I have made it very clear what action is to be taken and the consequences if these directions are not followed.

I admire him, I am proud to call him mine, he is talented he is lovely, he is also very focused on what he wants at the expense of all else. who am I talking about? The one person who has given me the most cause to both cry and worry in recent months above any other living person. DC is a great lad, he is a good musician, artist etc but neither his music or his art work pay him a living.

So what has he done this time I hear you ask. If you have been keeping up with my blog in the last year you will be well aware that DC has money problems which in turn become my issues. He has not told me this but I heard this evening that on top of everything else his car was clamped last week. Some of you will remember that his band went on tour last November and I made many frantic calls to his friend to get DC to pay money into my bank account to cover his bills that are set up to come out of my bank account due to his bank problems. He told me a few weeks ago that they would be touring again. He showed me a few dates but they seemed to be much more scattered this time. Imagine my horror when I rang home last Thursday after work to remind him to make sure he had his money ready to pay his Provident loan (in my name!!) to be told that he had gone on tour.

By Sunday I was very agitated that he had neither returned home or made any contact. I had tried to phone him several times. I found out that his girlfriend didn't know when he would be home either. Approximately £200 had gone out of my bank account to pay his direct debits but no funds had been transferred in by him. Finally he arrived home at 5.30am on Tuesday. It now transpires that he has not been to work at all for a week but what has me most horrified is that his work had apparently called twice if not more to find out where he was. He had taken unuathorised leave and still has not tried to speak to his boss. So now I am not only worrying that he has not paid me the money for his debts but he has probably lost his job or at least come very close to losing it. Tonight I have also told him that he has come very close to losing his home too.

I love my son very much but he really has been a trial to me since he left school, these years should be good ones for him but they have been severly dampened by his heavy debts and the inabilty to keep them under control. I feel for him so much that he tries so hard to follow his dream but life just keeps on hindering him.

from bars to bras

'Are you going to the meet on Thursday?'



this text was completely out of the blue on tuesday while I was still at work. It was Harvey, he has joined the dating site that I am on (the one that has the social events like this one). Before Romeo came into my life I had left a message on the forum saying that I might go to the mid week social in february as I have not been to one for months and I was getting fed up with being stuck at home every night of every week. Romeo is away on business so I agreed to go as Harvey wanted to go but was too shy to go on his own as he wouldn't know anyone. (hmm thats what I did the first time I went). Romeo was fine with me going out for the evening with another man. He knows that I am only interested in him. He text me Thursday to tell me he would be there with me in spirit. (aww he is so special).



Harvey picked me up at 7.30. This was the first time I had seen him since November, by the time we reached the city we were trading insults like an old married couple. At first I was bored as I felt really strange being there. I was not looking for anyone romantically as I have my romeo so I felt a little out of place. I did chat to a University lecturer hes only been over here a few years, hes an Aussie, his family are spread all over Australia but h says he probably feels that Brisbane is his home more than anywhere else these days. I told him about my friend Vi going home to Oz for xmas and when JA first tuned into 'track santa' he was over the town where Vi was. How spookey was that?

I chatted to a few others I had never met before plus a few that I had including Ben who I had met at the speed dating (I did like him but like an idiot said yes to him as friend). He now tells me he had said yes. I did chat to Ben the last time I went to one of these events but there was a woman there who he had dated once or twice she was becoming his security guard not letting anyone else near him.



Being the nice guy that he is Harvey had offered a lift home to an older lady who had come by bus from the town where I work. (She was out of place at this event certainly out of any of the men there's league......oh no there was one she was chatting to for ages who might be good for her). I hope she finds happiness she seemed a lovely lady. so we had to take her home which is in the opposite direction for us. Harvey has to go through my town to get to his. I had wanted to get home early so that I could say good night to romeo but by the time I did get in it was far too late as he is in another time zone.



On the way home we had been chatting (as if we could manage silence!!) Harvey has asked me to do something to improve his profile as he wasn't gtting much response from women he messaged.............well hardly suprising as he just says



' hiya, how you doing if you fancy a chat heres my msn'



So once again I am helping a guy to get his profile right and coaching him in how to send messages. He gave me his password so that I could revamp his profile for him which I did on friday evening. This was quite easy to do with the little informtion I know about him. But the funny thing was when a woman tried to IM him, I thought it best not to pretend to be him. I could have had some fun with that but I am not that cruel.





Today is Mother's Day here. Last night ET asked me



'Mummy what time do you want breakfast in bed tomorrow?'



Well I had been up for about 2 hours before anyone else surfaced this morning. It is now midday and no sign of breakfast or even a cup of tea. I have though had two cards, a box of cadburys roses and two boxes of chocolate thins (which I have never tried before). Lucky boys all this choclate they have to eat and Easter still 3 weeks away. Oh and a Calendar wih cats and kittens on as I didn't get a new calendar this year. The card from ET has the following message written in it which I thought was quite sweet (well almost)



To My Mummy



Hope you have a good day and we are tres lucky to have you as our mum, and youa re lucky we put up with your shitty jokes



I had to laugh when I read that.

Last week I had found a bra that I liked when I was out shopping for once the had one in my size, they usually stop a size smaller than mine. It was only £4 a bargain!! so I bought it. wednesday I loosened the straps as you always have to do, and put this lovely black bra on. But although I got it on it did seem that the cups were rather small. So I took it off and looked at the lable. 34C no wonder it didn't fit. the hanger says 40D which is my size so there was no way that I could go to work in this thing, I was so disappointed as I really liked it and thought it would be good under my cerise sweater.