worse than an episode of Hollyoaks

I have never seen Hollyoaks but when I was explaining to DC the latest goings on in my family as opposed to our family. He coented that it was worse than Hollyoaks.



It was mid evening on Saturday, my family is different to Eastenders our dramas happen after Christmas day. My mum rang to ask for my advice. My advice!! She wanted MY ADVICE!!!



She had had a call from my brother D who wanted her to take in his step son G (20). his fiancee, and his daughters A (4) and (J) 2 plus new baby who may or may not be his child but the girls are the baby's sisters. (I don't even know if baby is a boy or girl or when it was born). G was just 16 when he became a father, by the time he was 18 he and his g/f had a second daughter. At various times in the last few years there has been drama with this little family. The little girls's mother comes from a family well known by the local police. There have been threats at knife point. Staged burglaries, court battles for custody. It has all been more incredible than any fiction.



Finally after several break ups the young couple broke up last spring. It then transpired that there was another baby on the way although G was certain he wasn't the father. Eventually due to the mother's instability and neglect G was given custody of his two girls. The mother insisted that she wanted G to also have the new baby when it was born. We didn't believe he would or should take on the third baby but apparently he has.



This last drama was because G now has all three children with him at his new council flat where he lives with his new fiancee. I don't know what sparked it but the mother was threatening to kill the family and the police wanted them out of the area. They all live about an hour away from us so my mother was considered to be the obvious place for them to go.



The advice my mum wanted was should she take them in? To me there was no question. If I had room I would have had them here but there is just no way there was room for them here. But my mum lives alone in a three bedroom house although she only has one spare bed (single). The two little girls could have snuggled in there together whilst G and his partner could sleep on the sofa and arm chairs keeping the baby with them. There was an occasion during my divorce when the police had asked me to leave our house for the night and we had slept in the arm chairs/sofa at my mum's. so I know it is possible. But apparently it was the experience of my divorce that has put my mum off she feels she has been through enough family drama and this little family although she is 'great granny' to these girls and they have been to her house just a few weeks earlier, they are not 'our family'.



As it turned out other arrangements were made and the little family didn't need to stay with mum.



If that little drama was not enough there was heartbreak on Sunday when Charlie finished with DC after almost 5 years. He was upset but is surviving (with a few hugs from his mummy).





By the way it is now midnight so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!




Oh and I had a pleasant suprise this evening when my phone rang ;)

A quick update

I gather that the young family have gone upto the big smoke to stay with another relative.

I have been asked if my unexpected call was from Romeo, the short answer is no, I would have been much more enthusiastic than 'a pleasant suprise' if it had been Romeo. No this was from a possible new man in my life. I have not thought of a name for him yet so I shall just call him 'the man' for the moment. we are taking things very slowly. He is only a couple of years my senior, lives in my town possibly less than a mile from me. I know who he is but he doesn't remember me. We have been in contact every day for the last three weeks apart from a gap of a few days when he was very busy in the run up to xmas.

Never again!

Our mission was to buy a coat for me from my mother as a late christmas present.

10.30am mother phoned to say she was waiting for me in the road. Donning my legendary red fleece I joined her in her car for the short journey to our destination. I think I realised early on, as in before we had gone a quarter of a mile, that this was not going to be the smoothest journey. At the junction with the first main road you have to get as far forward as you can to see the traffic coming from the right. The railway bridge on the corner is not very transparent.

Luckily we didn't have to wait too long as there was scant traffic at this time. (they must have known). The next junction has traffic lights which were red as we approached. By now I realised mother has developed an alergy to junctions as she stops half a car length shy of the junction. Onwards we go heading west until we reach the recently improved roundabout that we have been navigating regularly for 20+ years. It is several months since work here was completed and although I have been at this roundabout with her a number of times since then she still can't figure out how the lanes work. To me they look the same as always but with an extra lane on the outside.

Cautiously we manage to get around to the required exit and head for the motorway. Turning onto the slip road I am amazed that we didn't clip the curb. We join the motorway at a sedate pace I wasn't checking the actual speed. I have never known my mother to drive at speed.

Two junctions later we exit the motorway again finding it difficult to stay in the designated lane for our destination. We manage to get onto the right road but miss the turning for the superstores. I suggest we take the next roundabout and use the other entrance to the superstores. Mother agrees but doesn't change lanes as she is intending to circle the next roundabout and go back along the dual carriage way back around the motorway junction to try again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I manage to persuade her to change lane and turn left at the roundabout then at the second roundabout turn left again which takes us to the superstores. We are now faced with a massive car park jam packed with cars. Now the fun really starts. After driving around for a time we find ourselves back on the perimeter road. I spot a space at the very end of one of the parking areas and another car is reversing leaving two spaces. I notice there is an elderly (ok late middle age) man with two walking sticks standing in one of the spaces helping a huge 4 x 4 to manover into the end space. Once in place we turn into the parking area ready to park but the man with sticks is still in the second space. I dread this but persuade mother to reverse into the space. As she is waiting for man with sticks to move another car moves up alongside us waiting to exit the car park. I manage to stop mother from hitting him as she tries to swing the car into the waiting space (she hadn't even noticed the car beside her!!). By now I am thinking it would be safer to jump out and help her into the space. Finally we are parked.

Now for the walk to the store which is humming with humanity of all sizes, shapes and sounds. Mother finds herself a perch whilst I walk around looking for a coat. Perhaps it was only to be expected that I didn't find one that was suitable. However did buy a very nice black jacket with red lining to wear on special occasions, along with a black lace top and a caramel coloured satin blouse and a pair of chocolate stockings. So the trip was not a total waste of time. But next I had to brave the journey home.

Oh how I wish I hadn't directed mother towards the main exit which comes out next to the motorway junction. It meant stopping on a fairly steep slope as we waited for the lights to change. Mother has not had the confidence to do hill starts since the incident on the Isle of Wight ferry a few years ago. (Now that was scary). Hmmmm I don't think I have ever travelled on the hard shoulder before!! Oh and before we got back to my home we did curb it once.

Mother says she seems to have lost some of her confidence after not driving very much in recent months. I would dearly have loved to take over the driving today but that would have made another dent in her confidence.

I love my mother dearly but she has never been a good driver and now I am afraid it is probably only going to get worse.

absent without leave

9.15am saturday 27/12/08

could I speak to LIR

speaking

I am calling from Talktalk could you please confirm your full name and address including post code

LiR .......blah blah blah blah blah

and the bank the direct debit comes from

blah blah

right I am calling because ..............oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you just checking your account I didn't need to call you.

ok thanks

good bye enjoy your weekend

11.am saturday

mum why isn't the internet working?

I suspect it has something to do with the call I had earlier they must have restricted the line again but in error this time.

So a 'quick call' to talk talk (took 25 mins to get through)

go through the whole name address and bank thing again

how can I help you today?

my line has been restricted why

oh because you went over your call limit

...................wtf (ok I didn't say that just thought it)

But I paid over the amount of my bill the other day.

Yes I can see that and you don't owe anything until your bill is due on 9th Jan.

I had a call from one of your colleagues this morning who realised he didn't need to call did he put restriction on in error?

I can see hes left a note on here saying he called you. Yes it has gone on in error. I will get it lifted for you. It should take between 1 and 48 hrs. It is normally very quick but to due the high demand of calls and its the holidays it could be longer.

I am not happy about this

I am sorry and I can see where you are coming from

goodbye enjoy your weekend.

Sunday 28th

still line is restricted

call talk talk but

every single number I try tells me that the office is closed ........opening hours are........sundays 10am to 5pm (this is sunday midday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Monday 29 9am

line still restricted

phone again and have to go through all the security stuff again

how can I help you?

my line has been resricted

yes you went over your call limit, your bill was issued on boxing day so now you are in a new billing period and shouldn't be restricted.

I will get this lifted for you it could take 1 to 48 hrs.

I was told that on saturday

oh then it wasn't lifted

I was told it would be

it didn't work then, it will take upto 48 hrs

I was told on saturday it would take upto 48 hrs

I am sorry I will get it lifted straight away

thank you

Monday 10am

finally we have the internet back

but instead of catching up with everyone I am off out for lunch with LV

have a good day everyone

The shock of uncharitable thoughts

I have just shocked myself and my poor mum.
Mother visited my brother D and his family today. She had a lovely time but has just rung to let me know that she is home and tired after driving the furthest she has driven for months. While we chatted I asked after my sister in law (S). I knew that S is due to go into hospital and will need time off work in January. But I didn't know why.

Apparently S has been suffering with endometritis which is something I can sympathise with. But my initial reaction was ........ah the poor girl........... but I was not being sympathetic at all. You see S is going to have a scrape and possibily a hysterectomy. Now I can sympathise with S over the pain and discomfort and the inconvenience she has suffered in the recent past. I can sympathise that she might have to undergo surgery and not be able to work for at least six weeks (especially at a time when she can't afford not to work).

But the reason I am feeling uncharitable is that I suffered in the same way for 26 years from the very onset of my menstral cycles when I was 14 (for once I was a late deveolper). My GP told me that I would grow out of it and be having normal periods by the age of 17. Well he could not have been more wrong.

I never knew when my period was going to arrive, my periods where described as 'irregular' I could go anything from 7 days to 7 months between the end of one period and the start of the next. Each one lasted a minimum of 10 days of which 8 were very heavy and very painful. I could wake up in a pool of blood or as often happened it would start during a lesson at school. I would get to the end of a lessson and stand to leave the classroom to discover that my skirt was soaked in blood. This continued right through my adult life. With the exception of the times I was either pregnant or thought I was due to the month after month of no period (the longest time being 10 months). I could have worn towels or tampons every day which would have eliminated the problem of unexpected floods. But I wanted to live without those restrictions.

I did have various tests which concluded that I had a disease of the ovaries which prevented them from working properly. I am very lucky to have my sons because many women who have this problem don't conceive. I can't at this moment think of the name of the disease except that it was poly something of the ovaries. A side effect of this is oesteoporosis, this meant that I was put on the mini pill for 5 years to slow down the problems with my lack of bone density. During the times when I didn't bleed for months on end I would convince myself that I was pregnant, (I spent a fortune on pregnancy tests that were negative). But then out of the blue I would flood.

So whilst I didn't have as many periods as many other women I have no idea how a normal period feels as mine were always without exception long heavy and very painful. The only time my periods were 'regular' was when I was on the pill. But even then although the timing was controlled by the pill they were still very heavy and painful.

So really I guess I am not unsympathetic to what S is going through just pissed off that these days there is an easy fix when I suffered for 26 years with never a mention of anything that could be done to ease my problems.

Further more when I found the link for this post I noticed this ...........................

Patients suffering from chronic endometritis often have an underlying cancer of the cervix or endometrium.

Could this be an indication that as long ago as when I was 14 I was already destined to have cervical cancer even if I was not diagnosed with it until I was 38. Now I am thankful that my cancer treatment has brought about the end of the painful periods which could in themselves have even have been a symptom of that cancer. Before anyone suggests that it was early sexual activity that causes this I did not have my first sexual encounter (with my first love) until I was 17 which is in many circles considered to be fairly late.

A special day

Ooooppps we were due to be at mother's by 10am so that we could open presents before heading off for our dinner. But I only woke up when DC came looking for wrapping paper and sticky tape at 9.45am. It was time to leave the stockings for the boys as I had fallen asleep before them at about 2.30am.

No time for the bacon bagels we had planned to have. By the time we reached mother's it was 11am so we just had time to open a few prezzies, including the now infamous wii which the boys loved, I needn't have worried about that. DC gave me this lovely fluffy white hooded dressing gown. ET and JA gave me a new handbag and a necklace with matching earrings.

OJ gave me a laptop bag

the boys got my mum a digital picture frame. They seem to have got really good prezzies for each other this year.

We arrived at the restaurant just as they opened the doors. We had to go down two flights of steps to a room with just three tables set up. But how many people can say they views like this whilst eating christmas dinner in UK.

The meal was lovely, the boys were good company we all had a lovely time.

No one thought much of my idea that we go for a walk along the beach, probably because only two of us had coats. So we returned to mum's to finish opening presents.

watched by santa

Here he is guarding my bottle of baileys and electronic dictionary. By 5pm everyone was ready to return home, within minutes the wii had been set up. I have already played a couple of games against JA.

So now I have told you about my day what did you do on this day that we have been preparing for over the last two months.

Blogging by proxy

In the end I was only without the internet for about 36 hours as I was at work when it went off. But during the time without it I have played far too many games of spider solitaire and won precious few I might add. I have listened to music, watched tv including a few Nicholas Cage films

Monday night I went shopping at Asda as DC had given me some cash. 20 minutes after arriving at the store I had finished gathering up the bits I needed to get us through the days upto xmas day. 20 minutes to shop but 35 queueing just to get to the checkout. Having left home at 9pm I got back home at 10.30 for just £25 worth of shopping!!!

Tuesday evening more spider, more tv, then just before midnight the text began,

'are you awake'

Then the phone calls began. it was LV he had read my blog and wanted to chat.
During our chat LV decided to read the coments on my blog to me. That was so funny hearing someone else reading my blog and the comments down the phone to me. But if I thought that was funny it was nothing to listening to him reading other blogs out to me so that I wouldn't miss out. All these blogs were ones that he doesn't usually read. Which made it all the more hilarious. We didn't stop talking until 2am then my alarm went off at 6am, by 8am I had paid my phone bill and gone back to Asda which was not particularly busy neither was the town centre where I went next. so here I am back home and back online. Just about to fall asleep before I start reading blogs.

Have a great christmas everyone

No internet

I have had my phone line restricted because I can't pay the bill until Wednesday when my wages go into the bank so until I have paid my bill we have no internet


If I don't get back online before christmas I hope you all have a very good christmas

all my love to all my lovely friends

Money, ET and SF

I have wrapped most of the presents that I have bought. Not many this year but I know my boys understand I can't afford much, I know they will be dissappointed on christmas day even if they don't say so. I know none of them will complain (or at least not in my hearing) that they didn't get much. We will still have a nice day and as we are going out for our christmas dinner the day will be so different to previous christmas days so that will help.

I have been lying in bed this morning mulling things over. I have a tension headache which is hardly suprising as I think I must have slept with my teeth gritted, I tend to do that when I am worrying. I was just thinking about my colleague telling me that our other colleague has been worring about the kind of christmas I will have. She had asked her if she thought I would be offended if she offered me some money so that my boys could have a good christmas. I am really amazed as she has only known me for a couple of months. But even more so as during the week she told me that she has been offered another job (more money)and might leave after christmas.

While I have been lying here I have been thinking about this. No I wouldn't be offended after all over the years I have learnt that I can't afford to be too proud to accept things that have been offered to me. (there has been a lot of cast offs for the boys particularly school uniforms ). I used to joke that I should be called 'second hand rose' even most of my furniture is second hand. But having said that if she does offer me some money I shall turn it down. Not because I am offended, quite the contrary I would be very touched at her generosity. But being given second hand things is one thing but money is another. I have already blogged a couple of times about the generosity of my colleagues where I used to work. The money they gave me when I was left with nothing after my purse was stolen a few days before christmas three years ago. I still feel bad that I have not been able to finish paying them back yet.

Our christmas is not going to be anything special but we will have each other and my mother will make sure we have enough to eat etc. I have done a lot of thinking about the current situation with the Company I work for and I do believe that this is just a blip partly down to everyone expecting to be paid early as it is December. I don't think our Company is in serious trouble, our directors are not going around seriously stressed, they appear to be in good humour. Believe me when they are stressed we can tell. I also don't think I would have got a bonus at the end of November if things were that bad. We have just had new catalogues and price lists printed, why would they go to that expense if we were going under. So all in all I don't think I am about to lose my job, we are just not getting paid early. If I had known in advance, then I would not have got this damn wii which I really do regret buying. I could have done so much more with that money.

Yesterday I did buy a few cheap presents then bought enough food to last us until monday. I took ET with me to ASDA as he wanted to buy me a christmas present. He realised that he couldn't afford the item he had wanted to buy so I walked him around the clothes, necklaces and music sections pointing out a few things that would be appreciated. He then did his shopping while I did mine. I have no idea what he bought as he has kept it hidden in the bag for life that he kept clutched to himself.

In the last week ET and I have had a lot more one to one time than usual. He tells me that he does miss his friends and he does want to get his social life back. I had thought he had stopped seeing his friends because he wanted to play his PS3 games. But he says it is because he never has any money and his friends always want to do things that cost money. Most of his friends have had part time jobs. He did say he has been invited to a few parties but he didn't want to go as it always means drinking. He doesn't enjoy drinking, this was quite a revelation for me as I have in the past had to collect him from various parties where he has drunk so much he has been sick. He also admitted that not only does he not like drinking but it worries him because he knows what drink can do to you having watched his father being drunk so often.

As each of my sons reach the age where their peers are getting drunk I feel grateful for the only thing SF has done for our sons. DC does drink but only moderately and I don't recall ever seeing him drunk. He has said for years that he knows when hes had enough. I am sure he does get drunk occassionally but thats only when he is staying away from home, he is often driving so doesn't drink. OJ is now legally old enough to drink but won't touch it. We have said that we would get a bottle of wine between DC, OJ myself and Granny, to have with our lunch on xmas day but they have both declined. So for this I am grateful to SF for showing them that they do not want to become heavy drinkers.

On a brighter note I got an honourable mention this week on dj's wordless wednesday.

Not the best of weeks

It hasn't been such a great week. First ET had the let down over the job that this time last week seemed to be the opportunity he needed.

On wednesday I decided to take the afternoon off from work, it was quiet so they could manage without me and I still had one day leave to take before the end of the year, so now it is just half a day. I could have gone off galavanting and had a god time somewhere. I could have gone off christmas shopping. Instead I nipped into asda for a few bits before heading home to bed with a sinus headache. I slept from 2pm until 7pm apart from the regular interruptions of

'what are you doing home? whats for dinner?'

By 7.30pm I was at my mums having agreed a week earlier to help her to count the money from that day's collection outside a local store for the Rotary Club. They had collected over £300 in one day from that particular store so another 3 sessions like that would see a nice big donation for their charities account. For my efforts I was rewarded with a bowl of hot christmas pudding with rum sauce mmmmm very welcome.

Thursday morning I woke feeling fine which was good as I had obviously caught the sinus problem early and headed it off before it became the prolonged problem my colleague had been experiencing. But by lunchtime the headache was back only this time it was down the side of my face instead of the front. By the evening I was feeling sick, so another dose of capsules and an evening sleeping was called for.

I am glad to say that today I have felt fine no sign of sinus pain. However there has been a growing unease at work as news filters through that we can't be paid yet. Our biggest customer is late paying the amount owing for this month. A couple of us looked up how much that company owes and although only a fraction of it is now in arrears in total they have had over £1m worth of stock that is yet to be paid for. Scary stuff. Although I don't think our company is about to go under I am worried about how long I can make the money in my purse last. I have warned DC that he might have to pay for food for the next week and I will pay him back when I finally get paid.

As for my love life watch this space I might have some news before long.

Not a chance

We thought it was going to be the opportunity of a life time.
Monday evening ET was feeling disheartened. He didn't believe he could do it, he felt he was too shy to talk to adults on the phone. We had a long heart to heart, I did my best to build up his confidence, to encourage him to believe in himself, be positive.

Tuesday morning he phoned me to let me know that he had met the guy for a lift into work to be told that they had decided they didn't need an extra person they could manage without him.

He was a little relieved but mostly he was upset.

He didn't have a chance to see if he could get the hang of what they wanted. He is not stupid he is a bright lad, just very shy.

So now we start again

Families past

Driving rain didn't help visisbility on our journey. Mother drove for a little over an hour until she felt she needed a rest then I took over the wheel. I do enjoy driving her car, the freedom of being able to overtake others without worrying that I won't have the time to build up speed. Although speed was not the problem as we followed the convoy of tractors pulling trailers of straw bales. 3 hours after setting out we reached my grandmother's home.

M will be 90 on 28th Dec. She is a game old woman stil living alone in her bungalow. She is steadier on her feet than my mother is and still walks into the village every day and drives short distances to visit friends. She has only recently given up being chairperson of the local embroidery club. I only found out recently that M writes poetry which is why she has a computer (to make writing easier).

It was a very odd experience talking to M as I hadn't seen her for about 18 months (the last time being a week or so before I started working again). My mother has been saying for a few years that she believes M had a minor stroke without realising it. She has been progressively forgetting words and names. It was quite strange having a normal conversation with someone who couldn't remember the names of things or people. But apparently when she is writing the problem disappears.

After lunch M was telling us stories of her youth when she lived with her father after her mother had run off with the chauffeur. It has always been a family joke that M and her sister had so many step mothers they had a ladder. In truth I believe there were only 2 step mothers and 2 step fathers a half sister and 3 half brothers. It was a little difficult to follow the tales of nudists in the woods and wicked step mothers trying to spoil wedding days when everyone is called either her, him or the other one. But I did get the translations later on the journey home as my mother knows all these stories well.

It is interesting to learn that my great grandfather was a land owner who was selling off his land before the start of WWII but my grandmother considers her family not to be in the same league as the family she married into who 'had money'. Of course my grandad's family didn't have money for long as my Great Uncle gambled the family money away.

Oh well looking on the bright side at least I didn't get sent away to boarding school like my father and his sister did. I had the dubious record of being the first child in my father's family not to go to boarding school. (I grew up believing that boarding school had done my father no favours). My father didn't know how to relate to any of his family. However M told me as best she could that I was the apple of my father's eye, he adored me but never had a good word to say about my husband. It's funny because since my father died several people have told me how much he used to enjoy my visits when he had his shop in Highcliffe. He liked to see me and my boys. But he was never able to say or show it to me. I always left feeling as though I had been in the way.

Oh yesssssss

I am pleased to announce that ET starts work on Monday.

He has a week's trial to see how he gets on.

He will be getting a lift to work by one of the two men who interviewed him.

He will get in house training leading to further qualifications

He seems to be quite enthusiastic

I hope this works out for him.

The joys of boys

Tonight DC has made arrangement to visit my mum tomorrow evening. He has decided that he wants to go to University next year. He plans to spend two years studying Comedy writing. He feels that his destiny is to write comedy for radio. He has been putting together his 'Personal Statement'. I was priviledged to be asked to read the notes he had made whilst he was putting it together but now it has been completed he wants my mother's professional eye to look over it.

Apparently in the course of their telephone conversation he suggested possibly taking OJ with him to show her his 'Personal Statement'. OJ has just told me that he has had acknowledgements from two of the Universities he has applied to. Warwick have let him know that they always wait until the last minute to make an offer of a place. Surrey have also said it will be a while before they make offers. The others he has applied to were Bristol, Bath and lastly Southampton, all of which he believes have very good maths departments.

Last night I mentioned to OJ that he will be in charge again on Saturday as I will be driving up to The Cotswolds with my mother to visit my late dad's elderly mother. M who will be 90 over the christmas weekend still lives alone in her own bungalow, still drives short distances and still writes poetry on her computer.

OJ has now confessed that he wasn't here on Saturday night while I was away, he went to an 18th b'day party. A party with a difference, all the boys wore suits. Apparently DC had a hand in dressing OJ up for the occasion 'smartening me up'. OJ is very smart in the intelligence sense of the word but scruffy in apearance most of the time. He has always been one of those boys who no matter what you dress them in they will look a mess within minutes. JA is very much the same (a typical boys boy).

ET has an interview tomorrow yipeeeeeeeeeeeeee, perhaps I will be able to relax instead of worrying about him sitting in his room day in day out playing computer games. He doesn't even see his friends anymore. A year ago he was always going out with friends now he says they never ask him any more. Probably because he went through a stage of wanting to play his damn Call of Duty game endlessly once his study leave began back in May. He has become a virtual recluse, one reason why I insist on him leaving the house at least once a day.

So tomorrow he is meeting my mum after her hairdressers appointment and travelling with her to the other side of town. She is going to her Rotary Christmas Dinner at the Golf Club. ET's interview for an IT Company is in the same Business Centre that has been built in recent years in and around an old Manor house that had fallen into disrepair. The interview is for IT support 37 hours a week at minium wage but at least it will be a paying job and even if he hates it at least it will give him some experience and something else to add to his CV for next time. He is very lucky to get this opportunity so quickly. I really hope that he get the job and starts to get a life again. It worries me that he has lost his friends.

While I was trying to find out more about the Company I received a request to be added to my windows live account
I accepted albeit sceptically. But it was a young man (no more than 20 at best) my immediate thought was here we go again ...............
But he said I bet you are wondering why I contacted you.......I was browsing the net looking for anything about my cousin and I came across your comment.


there is absolutely no such thing as a friendly match in football, if anything they can be dirtier than league or cup matches.

watch out for a little girl at chelsea she is 11 yr old Jodie Brett she will captain her side this coming season.....knocks socks of the boys let alone the girls

this was something I wrote in the comments on a blog in the summer of 2007. It turns out that this lad is Jodie's cousin. Jodie who is in JA's class at school was the best player in JA's football team when he was 8. She later got snapped up by Chelsea and has been woth them for a few years now. Apparently she now also plays for England Under 14 girls.

From Jeans to Macaronni

On friday I nipped into Asda on my way home from work as I needed to get some food in for my tribe of gannets whilst I was away. Whilst there I decided to buy myself a pair of new jeans for travelling in. Now for me buying jeans is not all that easy. For a start I am not your average size 12/14 or even 16. Thankfully I am no longer the size I was a few years ago, but neither am I the svelte 14/16 I was 2 years ago sob sob. So I am very limited to what I can find that is in my waist size. But to make matters worse I am only 5'0" so I can't wear the standard length jeans so I certainly can't wear the long ones. So many times I have looked through the racks and come across standard and or long but not short. But on Friday night I bought two pairs labelled 'short'.

Saturday I wore pair one (dark blue) short!! they were still dragging on the ground as I walked (even in my trainers) Today I wore the light blue bootleg cut pair........still too long, still dragging on the ground......what height do they think "short" is? Oh and to make it even worse my new jeans are so loose they keep slipping down................oooops perhaps that means I am loosing some weight big big smiles.

We had a lovely evening, lovely people, most of who I have met before, obviously as hostess there was the Fabulous Firebyrd, Quintessential Queen Vixen, Talented Trousers, Marvelous Mei Del and a new face for me Wonderful Wake up and smell the Coffee. Some of us took part in a joint experiment. The bubbles flowed (from bottle to glass to lips) very easily. The home made curry was delicious and I even ate some of the rice (I have not eaten rice for many many years so I am proud of myself for that).

On the way home I had a brief stop in London where I was treated to a kiss from a handsome Frenchman...............no don't get excited it was only a polite greeting from Mei's handsome partner.

On arriving home I was pleased to discover it is still in one piece (still untidy but at least I know I am in the right house). But I did start to wonder when my little boy you know the one that turned 13 less than a week ago, decided to cook macaronni cheese (from scratch for himself OJ and ET for dinner). Can you believe it he turns 13 and starts cooking.

meeting up with such lovely people is well worth 10 hours of travelling in two days.

Cinderella is going to The Ball

Cinderella is going to the ball

OK so I am not quite Cinderella but tonight I shall be going to my one and only social event of this party season.

Some of you may be aware that it is becoming tradition for Firebyrd to invite a few select bloggers into her home before christmas.

Tonight is the night so in a little over an hour from now I shall ease myself behind the wheel of my pumpkin (small Toyota Corolla) and set off like the wind towards The Big Smoke, braving the car park known as M25. Hoping that this time I am better prepared and won't require my travelling companion to talk me into landing on the correct runway.

After a brief stop I shall be swapping my single pumpkin for a double (larger Toyota) and together your two heroines will allow themselves to be whisked away on a journey packed with chatting and giggles. Until 3 hours later we arrive at the Palace door greeted by the beautiful Pixie Queen (Firebyrd) along with the equally beautiful Queen Vixen. It is likely that the other guests will have arrived before us so it will be time for the party to begin.

Clawing my way up

I have been giving some thought lately to the journey I have been on in recent years. I am well aware that my financial situation is far from comfortable. However when I look back at my situation in previous years I know I have come a long way.



In 2005 my first autumn/winter as a single parent (although still officially married). With no money to buy christmas food or presents for my children I borrowed £100 from OJ so that I could buy a few things. Within 5 minutes my purse was stolen. My work loaned me £100 to be paid back over the next two months, one friend left me an envelope on my desk with £40 to pay back as and when I was able but not before. (she was semi retired and couldn't really afford it but she wanted my boys to have a christmas of sorts). Another friend had told her husband (who I have never met) on christmas eve she handed me a letter from him. He was reaching out to someone he didn't know with £200 in cash not to be paid back until I could afford it. That christmas we didn't have much but I knew that there are some very special people out there and I am lucky to know them. That winter was a tough one for my family as we struggled to live through the break up of my marriage with my husband still living in the house but contributing nothing towards the household bills. I was only working 5 hrs a day at the time so my wages didn't cover all the bills I needed to pay.

A few months later I had to take some sick leave as the divorce was taking its toll on my health. It was at this point that I lost my job. It took 3 months before I finally started to receive anything from the benefits office. During that time I was very lucky to have a supportive mother. When I lost my job I took the decision to not look for more work straight away. I needed some time to get myself and my children sorted out after everything we had been through. Over the next year money was very very tight especially once DC finished college and was deemed by the powers that be, to be working full time and contributing to the household bills, he was doing neither. So my income was drastically reduced but my out goings were increased. I was reduced to getting up very very early on sunday mornings and selling anything I could at a local bootsale just to earn enough money for electricity or petrol.

My stubborn streak made me do everything I could to manage on my own without having to ask for help unless I had no choice. One of the things I had to do was taking out Provident loans at very high interest rates. I couldn't pay all my bils so I paid those who made the most noise about being paid. Luckily each time one of my creditors was making a lot of noise another debt was coming to an end.

In June 2007 I took on some part time temporary work, I preferred to earn my own money rather than rely on the government or my mother to pay my way. My 3 month contract became 6 months, then I took on a full time permanent contract (my current position). In January 2008 I worked out that if I am careful and just keep plodding along paying each debt as it comes along, I hoped to be free of my debts by the end of the year. By February I had realised that this was unrealistic so amended my goal to be debt free by february/march 2009.

Now in December 2008 I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and believe that I will have paid off my debts by february. So roll on 2009 and getting straight.

why do weekends end too soon?

I would like to say I had a quiet lazy weekend especially after how tired I have been and knowing that the next two weekends are going to be very tiring. (next weekend I am going to visit Firebyrd with a few other bloggers I shall be driving up with Mei Del like I did last time.) The following weekend I am driving my mum up to visit my grandmother in the cotswolds. I took mum out for a trial drive today (the first time she has driven since her op). My grandmother will be 90 over the christmas holidays and still lives on her own, still drives short distances. I have decided to write a story for her for christmas probably about a little girl watching all the mischief that the occupants of a classy gift shop (such as the one y grandparents had when I as growing up) get upto at night. But I am also getting together a hamper of useful things for her including copy paper for her computer printer, washing powder etc. Things she would normally have to buy but will be able to save the money to spend on heating and food.

Saturday I did my six monthly turn my paper work out. I had to renew my car tax. My filing system consists of ...............open the envelope read it put it to one side to deal with later. Then after a few days scoop them all up and stow them in one of two drawers or a box in the corner of my bedroom. Then when I need something like when my tax is due I turn everything out on my bed until I find what I need. I always do find it eventually as I always keep everything for 6 years at least.

Having paid a few other bills (thats most of my xmas bonus gone already) I went to dee my mum before going shopping. My brother and family were there when I arrived, after they had gone we discussed what to buy my boys for xmas. I really don't know what to buy for any of them this year. Then I had to dash home to take JA to collect 2 of his friends who were staying over as it is JA's b'day tomorrow. My baby will be a teenager tomorrow.

I had decided to treat them to take away Pizza but first I still needed to go shopping for a few bits. While I was waiting for the pizzas I passed the time reading back over some of the romantic text messages Romeo has sent me (I couldn't help smiling). By the time I had shopped and bought pizza it was 8pm before I got back home.

Today has been a bit of a rush too. Taking the boys back home at 10 am as they were tres tired having not slept all night. Now I know what the bumps in the night were and when I thought someone had fallen down the stairs (I didn't investigate as I didn't hear anyone cry or scream etc). I managed to win an ebay auction for microsoft office 2003 for OJ for his laptop. before heading out to escort mum on her maiden drive. We collected OJ so that he could have a chat about Law with his learned (retired solicitor) granny while I headed off for a quick session at the gym. No problems this time. (I avoided the treadmill this week and made sure I drank plenty of water afterwards).

Back to mum's to join in the conversation with mum and OJ then drop OJ back home and gather up DC and off to the Shopping Outlet centre. Managed to buy some trainers for JA and also my secret santa gift for Firebyrd's party. By the time we got to Tesco it had closed 10 minutes earlier.

Next stop was the tres tres posh Golf and Country Club which DC wanted to join for it's gym. It is not far from his work and several of his work mates are members. He is now a Corporate Member (if I want to join I can join on his Corporate Membership because I am his mother and he still lives at home.) It was very impressive and I do like the idea of swimming by candlelight. The Bistro is quite inviting too. The sort of place I can envisage taking Romeo to eat. It is only £7.50 per month more than the gym I belong to which doesn't have a swimming pool or a Bistro. I do enjoy swimming so perhaps I shall treat myself to a change in the New Year.

I managed to get myself into a spot of road rage after leaving. Pulling up to a roundabout that appeared to be clear I shot out into the turning in time to see a car speeding towards me on my left. Ok I just had time to get out of his way but he was not happy, after blasting his horn for far too long he kept on my tail with his lights blazing trying to intimidate me. I just continued on my way with him following up close for a few miles, there were plenty of chances fro him to overtake but he didn't. He waited until another roundabout onto a busy A road before he came around me cutting me up. Upon reaching the bottom of the hill by the village he turned left back towards the way we had come which just told me that he would have got to his destination quicker had he turned off several miles earlier. DC says tht in my place he would have kept stepping on the brakes to make the prat slow down then he would have wound down his window and given them the finger. I just don't think it was worth the aggravation. So he didn't like me pulling out in front of him, so he had to slow down a little, but he hadn't reached the roundabout so I was safe. Get over it prat!!

I have been stooooopid tonight though. Because I really don't know what to buy for any of my boys this year, I can't buy clothes or music as I would get them wrong. I had a mini brain wave.
This is where you have to imagine the thought bubble over my head (I think I will get them a Wii they will be cheaer this year). So a quick visit to ebay find one for £150 which is just about to end and one for £170 also about to end. On impulse I bid on one that has 10 seconds to go. So now I have won a wii for £172. Now I am panicking!! have I bought this for them or me? They have never once said they want one, they are happy with their computers and PS3. Is it just me who thinks it would be good after all it was fun when I played on Trixie's wii with her and firebyrd. Plus I now realise this one doesn't come with any games. So I have been trawling ebay etc looking for games.

Now I must finish this as I have to wrap up JA's birthday presents ready for the morning.

Busy

It has been busy at work this week, well not really busy it has been quite quiet as it is the last week of the month. But there is still lots to do catching up on the things we can't do the first three weeks of the month. I have found it particularly tough this week because I am still babysitting our newest colleague. She is making progress but it does still mean that I have to check her work as well as doiing mine. Our boss is away at Trade Show and yesterday BG was off sick and Bob is busy tying up loose ends clearing his desk ready for a weeek off work.

I have been so tired by the end of the day that it has been as much as I can manage to read a few blogs each night let alone write a post.

Yesterday I was so tired driving home that I could hardly stay awake which was scary. When I got home I lay down and slept until 8pm. When I woke up ET and OJ were standing over me, they had brought me a plate of sausages and the two end bits from a garlic bread stick. Before I woke up I was having a very vivid dream.

I had to drive overnight to see Rae where I would collect among other people SF's best friend from when I first met them (it was really the best friend I fancied not SF). Trixie and one or two others but I don't know who. I dropped Trixie off at her place then SF's friend at his place in Kent before going home in time to get to work. But I seemed to be worried about having such a short nap before I began my journey and I was wasting valuable sleeping time trying to work out how I was going to keep myself awake to drive so far during the night after a long day at work. How was I going to stay awake at work next day.

Obviously this dream was because I was so tired during my drive home from work. Although work has been tiring today I wasn't as bone tired as yesterday but I am still planning to have a well earned early night for a change.

I have not managed to get around to all my favourite blogs and those I have read I have not commented on all of them.

Ouch

If anyone ever hears me saying I am going to the gym for heavens sake stop me.

Having gone to the gym a few sundays ago and being energised by the exercise I was more than a little shocked to have such a negative reaction to my latest visit.

Having sat on my bed chatting I found that when I tried to walk it was absolute agony, I could hardly put any weight on my feet. How could this be when my workout had been minimal.

After a little perserverance walking became easier. Having changed my bedding I settled down to watch a dvd. I was totally relaxed until once again I tried to walk around. It felt as though both my ankles had been crushed.

I went to bed worrying about how my legs would be in the morning. But luckily when I woke my legs were fine.

I am not sure why I had such a bad time as having only been to the gym once in recent months I tried not to over do it and go mad. All I did was 10 minutes on treadmill (5 minutes walking at a steady brisk walk followed by 30 seconds of fast walking then one minute of steady walking repeated for 5 minutes). Then onto the static bike 4 minutes of steady cycling followed by 6 minutes of 10 seconds fast and 20 seconds steady cycling. On another day I would have done double that without these problems.

I can only think it has something to do with a glitch at the start of my session on the treadmill. I tried to program in my weight so that I could monitor calories burnt off. Instead I was programming in the speed. Of course this was faster than I could comfortably manage so I quickly adjusted the speed.
I have sent Romeo a message telling him that it is all his fault. If he was here I wouldn't need to spend my sunday afternoons at the gym as I can think of a much better way to exercise on a sunday afternoon.

More on bits n bobs

Financial Boost

I had suspected that it might be on the cards but I wasn't banking on it. As I was leaving work a few days ago my boss caught me to say that I shall be getting a bonus with my November pay next week. I have to keep quiet about it though as neither of my colleagues will be getting the bonus (you have to be working there for a year to qualify). So now I know that I can pay off my water bill and buy a few things for my family at christmas. I am not going to go mad as I think my income is about to drop.

College Appointment

Today I had an appointment with ET at his college. The appointment was with a lady in the careers department. She tried to find out just what it was that made ET decide he doesn't want to carry on at the college. We now know that what he wants to do is get some training in web design which he now thinks he would like to study at another college nearer to home next september. In the mean time he needs to find a job or some kind of training. He has now signed the leavers form so has officially left college. This means that I will lose 1/3 of the tax credits I currently receive.

Cat Mess

We have had a stinky problem recently. Our cat who is now 11.5 has never really used a litter tray, it is quite something to see her crouched over a storm drain doing her business. Suddenly she began pooping in the corner of the livingroom behind the sofa where the old desk top computer lives. I don't know why she was doing this it seemed to be about once a day. It is times like this that show just what a bunch of wimps I have. Not one of them will entertain clearing up the mess, they prefer to put up with the stench until I clear it up. I was starting to worry that there might be something wrong with her but she does now seem to have stopped. She doesn't seem to have done it since last weekend.

Dating Site

As I mentioned a few days ago I have registered on a dating site. I am not seriously looking but having said that I have exchanged emails with a couple of men, one in particular.

Interests: music, walking, eating out
53 year old guy, kind, caring and romantic, looking for a caring, honest lady for a relationship. Fed up with being on my own. Time for something special in my life

we have exchanged at least one email each day this week.

There is another man slightly younger and just down the road in the city but I get the impression that he is a player or at least thinks he is a ladies man. very good looking for 50 but I don't think hes my type. But as I am not really looking for someone to meet that doesn't really matter. It's interesting to see who is out there locally though.

Friends

Over the last few weeks I have seen just how very important our friends are to us. I have been there for some of my friends when they have been in a bad place, but they have also been there for me when I ahve been in a bad place.

Hurrah for good friends even those who we have never met.

Sunset

We have been getting a bit excited in the late afternoons in our office. In the last few days there have been some really impressive sunsets. So much so that the office digital camera was brought into action on wednesday afternoon. Thursday's sunset was even better. I have managed to get a couple of pictures on my mobile phone but can't seem to be able to transfer photos to my computer from my phone. Today BG who finishes work at 2.30 every day was staying until 4.30 so would still be there when the sun set. But it wasn't so good today, joking I said that it was because she was there. But blow me down with a feather no sooner had she left to go home than the sun set suddenly changed from mediocre to brilliant.

These two views were take from our office window on wednesday. The sunsets on thursday and Friday were even better though.

Bits and bobs

I have been meaning to write a post on here about various bits and bobs for the last couple of days.

I have been meaning to write am email about bits and bobs ready to send to Romeo.

I couldn't decide whether to write the post or the email first so I didn't write either.

So now I am just letting you know I am still here, I am ok, I have quite a few things to tell you, but first I'm going to write a brief email to say that I will be writing a longer email tomorrow.

In the meantime here is a bullet list to remind me what I have to tell you about

• boost in my finances
• cat mess
• appointment at college
• sunset
• dating site
• friends

from depression to being happier

Earlier I wrote about how numb I have been feeling for the last few days, since then I have been busier.

First of all I took some old bikes to the tip ......no I don't mean my friends.

I cracked the whip and got my boys doing chores.

Then I had a chat with Rae who was concerned about me after my last post.

I am now feeling much more like myself.

I know some of you were worried that I was showing signs of depression. So here is a confession.

For years I was very susceptible to depression. In my early twenties I was clinically depressed. I had to give up my job as got closer and closer to the edge until I reached a stage where I didn't know how I was going to survive the next hour let alone the next day. My GP offered me anti depressants but I chose to ask for councelling instead. A councillor came to see me at home and we talked for about an hour and a half. We talked about all the things that had and were going on in my life. It was quite an impressive list of things some that I hadn't even realised I was depressed about. My depression wasn't just about the one or two major things that I was concerned baout but a whole host of smaller things too. But unfortunately this councillor was moving on to another area so I would have to see someone else.

The someone else never materialised, but just knowing that my myriad of problems had been acknowledged was enough to start my journey out of the depression. Years later my mum described me during those months as being like a black cloud on the end of the sofa. I would stay up half the night not wanting to sleep then in the morning not wanting to get up. There was even a point where I was so low that I wrote out a list of my belongings and who I wanted to have what. It was my intention to end my life as it was so worthless and everyone would be better off without me. I don't remember now 25 years later what the trigger was but I pulled back, I realised that my family would be devastated if I killed myself. I realised it would be an incredibly selfish act. I managed to get some part time bar work in a country pub where I knew the chef. This was my first step back to recovery.

A few years later I was a new mum living in a strange town in a house that had no phone or neighbours. I knew very few people, my partner was working all day leaving me at home with a young baby. Then his best friend from his school days came to stay along with his girlfriend. He had sold his home after his divorce and they were planning to got to Australia and New Zealand travelling for a year but needed somewhere to stay for a month (it felt more like a year). I did not get on with this woman. Again I became depressed, this time I acepted the anti depressants but it didn't take me very long to discard them. I hated the feeling that I was about 4" off the ground all the time. Nothing felt normal, it was just the weiredest feeling, so I just managed as best I could for the remaining weeks.

Over the next few years I became depressed a number of times. It was not easy to live with an alcoholic whilst caring for my young children. The debts, the lack of money, the insults, it all added up. But after a few years I woke up and realised that it was up to me to change the way I dealt with my life. That is when I made the decision to be happy. I decided that I would only ever be happy if I decided to be happy. That worked for a while. But I wasn't really happy, my decision hadn't made me happy it had stopped me from being miserable. Which in my book, considering the life I was leading was a positive move.

In the last 10 to 15 years I have had days when I have felt depressed but I have always managed to pull myself out of it within a few days. I have learnt that when I get depressed now I allow myself one or two days to wallow in it then I give myself a good talking to and take measures to bring myself out of it.

During that first big depression I discovered that I had got myself into that state because I had kept all my feelings buried deep inside. My lover had gone off saying he would be back in a few days. I didn't hear from him again until he came looking for me 11 months later. During those months I had stubbornly refused to allow myself to get upset until I knew what had happened, why the love of my life had gone off in the way he did without so much as a word. These days when I have any problems I talk about them.

ouch writing that last paragraph has just made me see why I get so worked up about Romeo when I don't hear from him when I expect to. But I know the situation now is so very different to the situation then.

I have also had a chat today which has made the situation with Romeo suddenly become much clearer. I won't go into details about that as I feel to do so would be very wrong of me. Just trust me.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I appreciate your concern but I will be ok.

Numb

I am feeling numb from the inside out

It isn't because anything has happened

It just is

In a strange kind of way I feel absolutely fine. I am not in a state of anxiety. I feel that since I had 'that text' from Romeo a kind of pressure has been taken off me. I feel relaxed and my weekend headaches have been absent. I lie, I do have a slight niggly headache now but not like the ones I normally have. I think this one is partially due to the grim grey skies I see from my window but also the fact that I ahve been at my computer since woke up, yet I have achieved nothing.

I have been determined that I am going to the gym today yet I am sat here munching on a packet of biscuits.

It was my intention to get down to some serious writing this weekend, short stories, funny tales, it didn't matter as long as I wrote something. I have played globs on face book, I have played spider too which is something I tend to have on my desk top when I am writing. It may seem weird to you but when I am writing and get stuck I play a few hands of spider while I mull over what I want to write and gradually it comes together until I can click on the window containing the piece I am writing and just continue. I have looked as a few blogs but not nearly as many as I would normally read. I just don't feel inclined to do the things I normally do, which would be ok if I was doing other things instead.

Last night whilst chatting to Dani I decided to set up a profile on a dating site I had not looked at before, my hairdresser told me about it last week. It took me an age to come up with a new username that would convey the happy confident woman I usually am. But eventually I came up with a name that is different to any I have used before that suits me, Dani says she likes the name I chose. Thanks honey. I have exchanged emails with one man from the local city oh and Dani it might amuse you to know that the talking point was belly dancing.

But I don't feel any enthusiasm for any of it. I don't feel enthusiasm for reading or writing (two things I love to do apart from the obvious).

When I visited my mum yesterday she asked what was wrong and refused to believe me when I said nothing. I don't feel that there is anything wrong. I don't feel miserable or upset, I don't feel worried or anxious. But at the same time I don't feel full of the joys of life, I feel 'vacant'. The lights are on but nobody is at home.

This morning I had a chat with Aunty. Again she asked whats wrong and I said nothing she told me I was fibbing. Again I don't feel there is anything wrong, I just feel dead, numb, there is no significant feeling.

I am wondering if I have unconsciously shut down. I have tried to give Romeo space, I have only sent him the one email and the one text since I received his text 10 days ago. But in doing so I am denying who I am. It is my natural inclination to send him a text or an email at regular intervals. sometimes I am telling him how I feel,other times its something that has occurred in my life or maybe in the world. Sometimes its something sexy or cheeky or both. Not doing this is like having my right arm chopped off or tied behind my back. It has held me in check, but it has subdued me, I don't feel like myself at all.

Mentally I have given myself a date before which Romeo must show me that it won't always be like this. I can't go on like this indefinitely. I have told a couple of people that I am doing this but have not said the date I have given myself. I only hope that he will come through for me before his time is up.

In the meantime my mind is going into survival mode.

when enough is enough and what happens next

The aliens have been back again.
Only its my sons who have felt the force.
Last night my boys were going to visit their dad for dinner. He now has a flat in a refurbished block which used to be the local B& B used by the council for its homeless people, which means that he is still within easy walking distance but more importantly has somewhere that our boys can visit him.

I had worked through my lunch so was rather hungry when I got in from work. finding the house empty I set about cooking my dinner which consisted of vegetables being cooked in a wok. I ahd almost finished when I heard DC coming in. He complained that I had cooked my own dinner, he had planned to cook for both of us. Apparently he hadn't wanted to have dinner with the others but had driven them there.

It seems that when he visited Charlie over the weekend the two of them had done some experimental cooking which he wanted to try out at home. But as I had already made my dinner he would cook for all of us tonight. I am wondering what has come over my newly domesticated eldest son. Earlier ET had begun to tackle the mountain that is the clean laundry mountain in the dining room.

This evening I phoned DC whilst I was in Asda before tackling the motorway, he had just been shopping for the food he needed to cook dinner (4 chicken pieces) I think he has forgotten there are 5 of us. when I got home ET has now tackled most of the laundry mountain. He had also washed up including all the pots and pans (with encouragement from DC).

There is a reason why ET has suddenly started doing more about the house.

He has decided that enough is enough.

If you were hoping from the title of this post that I had reached the end of the road with Romeo then I can only apologise.

ET has decided that he isn't going to go back to college. He wants to quit. He says he isn't enjoying college or any of the subjects he is studying. We went through all this 2 weeks into the term, but at that point I was able to persuade him to continue. I got the impression he had settled better and it was ok. But he says it had got better for a while but now he hates it.

We sat up talking until 1.30am on monday night. He wants to get an apprenticeship, very good but he wants to design computer games. I think he has a serious problem here. so we need to look at all his options. He knows that he can't just do nothing, he knows that if he is not in education I will lose 1/3 of the benefits I get at the moment so he needs to earn enough to give me that amount of money.

I am at a loss as to what is his best option. What I do know is that I will not allow him to think quitting college is the easy option. I ahve made it clear that he won't be staying up late playing computer games then staying in bed all day. He has to go to bed at a reasonable time and I shall get him out of bed early in the mornings, he will have a routine in his day. He will do chores around the house. He will go to the local connexions office at least 3 times a week. He will spend time each day trying to find something that suits him and at the same time earns him money. any suggestions will be gratefully received.

Holding out my hand

During my round of blogs this evening I visited alex & suze, I used to be a regular reader of theirs and have recently started reading them again. Tonight Suze was sharing this clip from youtube. How could anyone male or female not adore the yummy John Barrowman. Listening to his song I made a decision.

I have been thinking about this for a few days, I have been trying to wait until the end of the week but I am going to do this tonight. I feel that the message from this song is telling me this is the right time. I am going to send a text to Romeo apologising for making him cross. Now there is no need to get on your high horse, I am not saying sorry, I am not apologising for what I did, I am only apolgising for making him cross. I have always believed that no matter who is in th wrong you should always say sorry. I am stopping short of saying sorry but you get the idea. I am holding my hand out to the man I adore, I just hope he won't take too long before he takes my hand in his

Aliens have landed and I have the proof

I was only being flippant the other day when I said that my body had been taken over by aliens.

Now though I know it is true
I must have been abducted by aliens and returned but not quite back to my normal self.
If you don't believe me let me tell you the evidence I have and believe me theres plenty of evidence.

First there was the Romeo drama, his hurtful text that had me crying (out of character for me)
I could so easily have given up on him at this point but I am too stuborn, I feel that this may have even made me love him even more than before........don't you tut

That was just the start of the strange character changes. I have never been one to cry but I certainly did on Thursday evening and Friday morning, but I feel stronger now than before.

Then today there was more evidence that I have been taken over by some kind of alien being.
I woke up this morning with a headache, (last week was the first time I have gone a whole weekend headache less for ages) I took some tablets and went back to sleep, when I woke again the headache was gone. Normally they last most of the day.

Not impressed yet?

There is more.................

I collected all the books that were stacked in various corners of my bedroom and took them downstairs to fill the book shelf I emptied two years ago when I was taking everything I could find to sell at a bootsale held every sunday in the grounds of a localish secondary school just to raise money for food and petrol. Those were the really bleak days after my divorce. ( I have come a long way in the last two years but still have a long way to go before I can say I have got there).

This afternoon I did my usual mid afternoon dash to Asda to buy food for the next few days, I never buy for a week as my boys (gannets all) would eat it all and I would still have to buy more. I treated myself to bean shoots, thai sauce and other fresh ingredients that I never buy. The wok will be working over time this week. (if this isn't evidence that I have been taken over by some strange being then I don't know what is).

After Asda I stopped off at mother's and without even sitting down I grabbed her car keys and took her car for a much needed spin, it had been sat on her drive way for over 3 weeks. When I got back there was a cup of tea waiting for me. We chatted for a while and I brought down two baskets of dirty laundry for her. I didn't stay too long with mum as I wanted to get to the gym.

Yes thats right the gym. Every week I tell myself I will go to the gym and every week I have a reason not to go, headache or too busy or too tired. So I am really pleased with myself for going. I told myself I would do 20 minutes on the bike I don't want to go mad on my first visit for months. Ha what was I thinking, 15 mins on the cross trainer followed by 15 minutes on the bike later I set off home. See I told you I have been taken over by a strange being.

Arriving home I carry all of the shopping inside in one go (normally I would have taken two trips). By now it is raining hard again and I am in my cut off rousers and vest top. Having taken the shopping in I return to my car to put it away, knowing there is a car parked in my space I am planning to park in the space where DC's car is most days. But in those few minutes someone has parked there. So I parked on the other side of the road to my normal spot outside PB's house. As I got out of my car I ran across the road waving to PB and her b/f who had just got into his car, that must have been a shock to her seing me run for the first time in the 11 years she has known me. I even ran all the way up the footpath to my garden path and upto my door. I never runand if I do its only a few steps. Do you need more evidence than that I ask?

You do oh ok then, instead of collapsing in my normal heap to recover my exertions, I set about a mountain of washing up then cleaned my kitchen!!

Now I might be the goddess of flirting, I might be a funny old bean, but one thing I am not and never have been and I doubt I ever will be, is a domestic goddess.

So have I convinced you that my body has been taken over by someone or something that is not me?

Window window why won't you close

ok so I have a day off today (just when I needed it that was lucky)
I thought I would have a lie in, take a nice hot shower, sort out my bedroom (move bed etc) ready for window man to arrive.

08.05 hes banging on the door to be let in. I'm not dressed (throw on some trousers and jumper) there are piles of clothes and books on my bed. Quickly remove the empty bottles that are lined up under the window (only non alcoholic wine but still doesn't look good). There is no way that the window will shut the hinges are all either buckled or broken. Apparently they are pyramid hinges (see I learn new things all the time). It is probably going to be another three weeks before he can fit me in, plus a couple of weeks to book the work in. I'm looking at 5 weeks (it should be done before christmas). He could have taken the window off its hinges and secured it shut. But I would rather have a draft for 5 more weeks than no air for that long.

I have just been drafting an email to Romeo, I shall probably wait a day or two before I send it. I want to make sure I say exactly what I want to say rather than a knee jerk reaction to a text I got from him yesterday. Before you go jumping to conclusions it wasn't a 'dear John' or whatever the female version is. I won't go into details suffice to say that he hurt me. I don't think that was his intention, he was cross with me and let me know it. But on the plus side at least I know he is still alive after 4.5 weeks of nothing.

I do think it was very timely that I got his text last night when I can stay home this morning licking my wounds instead of going to work and being all bright and breezy when all I want is to cry. (has an alien taken over my body? I don't do crying so why now?)

Yessssssss

My shower works again

I can stand in my shower and let the water flood over me taking my tears with it

Wet

Saturday I got wet.



Saturday my mum had decided that she wanted me to drive around with her as I delivered packages to various people from the groups she belongs to. The idea was that I would call round mid afternoon and be her delivery service, a chance for her to get out of the house for a while. I would drive her car as it has been stood on her drive not moving for 2 weeks.



That was the intention, this is what happened.



A lie in for me as I lay on my bed listening to the wind and rain. Eventually I made myself move and had a long hot bath, the water was too hot, I felt a little off colour from the heat. Finally I forced myself to dry my hair before venturing out into the bad weather. OJ and ET insisted I drive them to thier dad's for dinner. (nobody had told me about this). JA had already gone on his bike. DC was finishing his game then having a bath before driving to his dad's place to join the rest of them.



Having walked down the path to my car my hair is damp and windswept. Arriving in the road where my mum lives I drive around the block twice before parking across her drive. There just isn't anywhere else to park. So we have to go out in my car, I don't have a problem with that. As I am helping mum into my car I am getting steadily wetter. I drive back to my side of the town where I am delivering the first package. Now if I was delivering something to one of my friends/aquaintances in this weather it would be a quick drop off. But not this time, I find myself face to face with an immaculately dressed lady who wans to know how mum is. I am now past smoothing my hair into my chosen style. Next its a stop in the next road, a bigger package and a message to pass on. I am about to give up on the lady of the house and attempt to push the package through the letter box. When the door opens. As I stand there dripping in the rain she explains that she had been upstairs. Explanation over she then goes on to ask me how mum is, from her relatively dry hall as I continued to stand in the rain talking to someone I don't know as she waves wildly towards my mother who isn't even looking.



Next stop the letter box, thankfully it doesn't want to ask how mother is.



Another stop and I'm invited to step inside where I chat to the kindly gentleman who ferried mother to the Dr's and later back to the Hospital on Friday for the removal of stitches - but thats another story. Both him and his wife don coats and a large brolley to come out in the rain to speak to mum and tell her the tale of the president's sister fainting during Thursday evening's Dinner in a local Hotel. But thats another story.



Next back to mother's for a cuppa and a chance to dry off a little. Once I had dried out a bit I set off to Asda to buy essentials for the weekend. Again I got wet!! But as I meandered around at leisure just buying a few items instead of a half weekly shop (I don't do a full weeks shop the boys eat it all ). OJ rang me from home, it seems they had returned home to rain in the kitchen.



Someone had left the bathroom tap running, the basin had overflowed and water was cascading through the kitchen ceiling. OJ seems to be more intent on finding out who is responsible than in mopping up the bathroom floor to prevent more water ending up in the kitchen. Numerous towels later and the heating on full blast the floors and ceiling now appear to be dry, there is no ominous bulge in the kitchen, so I am hoping there has been no lasting damage.



Today I was expecting the arrival of an electrician to find out why our shower is not working. Mid afternoon I received a call on my phone (which I had stowed in my cleavage to free my hands as I visited the warehouse). The electrician was in Reading of all places and wouldn't get to us today as there had been an accident on the motorway. I have now accepted an appointment for him to come on Thursday (he couldn't come Friday with the 'window man'). But I did manage to confirm that Window man is booked for Friday morning.

love and hate phones

I really need to get my shower fixed. All the time it isn't working I am struggling to get to work on time. Take this morning, I ran my bath as usual but a little earlier, I was confident that I would be at work earlier today, but once I was in that tub of hot soapy water I just relaxed down into the fragrant bubbles, it was heaven to just lay there as my hands moved over my body rubbing and smoothing, finding each crevice as I washed myelf. I was so relaxed that I didn't notice the time ticking past, all too fast it was time to get out and I hadn't even washed my hair. So again I wasn't early to work.

We got paid today so the first thing I did was to pay my phone bill. Having done this ?I have been switching my phone on and off all day in the hope that the bar will soon be lifted. At one point I realised that my phone had been turned off for most of the morning. Turning it on I was suprised when it rang.

'is that mrs LiR?'
'yes'
'I'm contractor from ******'
'oh yes you are coming to see my window next friday'
'no today, the appointment is for 10.46am today'
'it's next week, friday 7th Nov.'
'it's today 10.46'
'thats very precise, they just say between 8am to 1pm, but I have booked next friday off work not this friday!'
'Don't worry I will come back next week if you are nice to me'
'what do you mean by nice? a cup of coffee?'

we then talked about the window, what it is like and what the problem is. He has said that when he comes next week he will take the window off its hinge, secure it shut and take the hinge so he can get a match for it.

It was quiet in the office today and the girls were killing themselves laughing at me as I talked to window man. I told him that I had only just turned the phone on so I must be psychic and knew he was about to phone me.

I turned my phone off again for a few minutes. This time when I turned it back on it was my mum on the phone. She had been taken to have her stitches removed. The nurse cut the end off the continuous stich then pulled. The stitch was coming away nicely until it was 3/4 of the way out. Then it got stuck and started to become painful. Mum said she could grit her teeth whilst the nurse finshed pulling it out. But it was stuck fast and wasn't going anywhere. So it was decided that she would go back to the hospital to get it looked at. When she got there the dr looked at it then at her notes and said that the nurse was only meant to cut the ends off its a disolvable stitch!! He trimmed the stitch as close to the wound as he could and put a new plaster on it.

During the course of the day I flirted with a few of the customers, the girls thought I was hilarious. At one point Bob was hanging around whilst I was on the phone, he asked our new girl.

'has she been like this all day?'
What they all fail to realise is that I am like this everyday, its just that they heard me today as it was so quie in the rest of the office.

Tonight JA needed a lift to the village so he could go trick or treating with his pals. He wanted me to collect him at about 9pm. But at about 8.20 he phoned home asking if he could sleep over at B's.
'yes'
'can you fetch me so I can get my things then bring me back'
'no, tell me what you want and I will bring it to you.'
'it would be better if you take me home then bring me back'
'I will bring your things'
'you are making it complicated'
'no you are'
'but I need my bike'
'why?'
'so I can ride home in the morning'.

Bloody contractors grrrrrrrrrr

Yesterday we woke up to a sharp frost (it took longer to scrape the frost off my car than I had expected). During the day the sun was bright and warm as it came through the window onto my back. However on the way home the rain began and by the time I reached home it was raining quite hard.

During the later part of the evening I was in my room chatting on my laptop with some of my blog friends. My curtains were billowing in the wind and I was quite cold even with the heating on. Which reminded me that I had not heard from the housing association about the repairs I ahd asked for. I know they had received my email as I had also asked for an uptodate schedule of my rent payments which I received over a week ago in the post.

This morning before work could get busy I rang the Housing Association to remind them that I am still waiting for my shower to be repaired and my bedroom window. But because these are both old repair requests she had to make new repair requests. As if I care whether she writes new report or sticks tot he old ones I just want the repairs done!!.

Later I got a phone call booking an appointment for the contractor to look at my window next friday morning. So I asked if that was for the shower as well. 'No thats a different specialist'. I have now booked a day off on Friday 7th (no point in going to work on a Friday afternoon). My holiday request has been accepted.

Later I got another call from the contractor to book an appointment for the electrician to come and look at my shower.

'couldn't he come on Friday?'
'No, different contractor'.
'the appointment is for Monday 3rd November in the afternoon'
'Can he come late afternoon?'
'He will be there between 12noon and 6pm'
'I have taken a day off work on Friday'
'He will be there Monday afternoon any time after 12.'
'That means I have to leave work by 11.30 and he might not be there until 6pm!!'

I am not happy..............why can the electrician not move his appointment back to Friday? If he is making appointments for Monday surely he is not booked up for Friday.

So now I have to take Monday afternoon and Friday off work for my shower and window to be looked at. They will then have to make other appointments to do the repair work ....... who thinks that they won't be able to co-ordinate their appointments to coincide then either.

Between these calls my mum rang, she had been to the dr's for her dressing to be changed. (one of her friends took her). Apparently while she was there she had her 'flea jab' well thats what I heard, but I realised she must have said flu. I have been requested to call round to take her laundry upstairs for her and she thinks she has some other errands for me but couldn't remember what. She is recovering from this operation well and thinks she will soon be off doing the things she could only dream of for the last few years.

Some of you have been a little concerned about me for a couple of days as I have been feeling low about the situation with Romeo. The last time I heard from him he said he was in Far East for 2 weeks, it has now been 3.5 weeks since I heard from him so naturally I have been concerned. This evening I am feeling more positive and believe that I will hear from him soon and everything will be good.

The trouble I have with phones

For a few years now I have had a contract mobile phone. Back in the days when I was heavily involved in the football club I had a pay as you go phone, but I was constantly having to top up my credit with all the phone calls I had to make both to the team managers and the parents. My husband and I (gawd don't that sound regal)decided that it would be better if I had a contract phone. Together we searched on the internet found one that I liked and at a reasonable rate. Next day as he finished work earlier than me he went online and ordered the phone. (phone #1)Now this is where all the trouble began.

It was fine for a few months, the phone worked well I could make all the calls and send text messages as and when I needed to. But then my husband began to get suspicious, he thought I was having an affair with someone at the club. I was a working mum with four sons who played football, I was at the club nearly every day of the week with one or other of them for training and in those days I had all three of my younger boys with me most of the time whilst their dad was either in the pub or at home asleep. (Perhaps it was my own fault as for years I had joked that I could have an affair and he wouldn't know as he was never there.) I don't know when he thought I had either the time or the energy to have an affair and if I did who was there that I could even fancy and even if I did who was going to fancy a short fat middle aged woman who always looked windswept.

Now when we first got my phone it didn't matter that the bill was addressed to my husband as we had bought it together but it was a phone used soley by me he had his own one. This is where I later became not a little pissed off but very pissed off at 3mobile. They just could not get around the fact that it was his name on the order. They would not even let me change the tarif let alone change the bill into my name. This really became a problem when my husband was going through my phone bill each month cheking who I had phoned/text at what time and were there any patterns. Like the fact that I nearly always phoned or text the manager of OJ's team about an hour after getting in from training. Doh I was the team secretary then later the club secretary. Our conversations were about football, mostly I stayed in the room where my husband was so that he could hear the conversation from my end, if on some occasions I went and sat in the garden it was because it was quieter and I am a little deaf you know.

It soon got to the point where I wouldn't let my phone out of sight, carrying it in my pocket or failing that my waistband or cleavage, just so that he wouldn't go through my messages and call history. I had nothing to hide but he made me feel as though I did. I started sleeping with my phone under my pillow. By this time our marriage was crumbling around us. I decided to buy myself a new phone,(phone #2) one that I could use without his knowledge, and just leave the other one with just family calls. This was fine until about a week later I received a letter from 02 (my new phone provider). There was nothing wrong with the letter except that my husband had opened and read it before I got home from work. This was the final straw that ended our marriage. He was angry that I had bought a new phone (with my own wages), I was angry that he had opened a letter addressed to me.

So now he knew I had another phone he demanded the 3mobile phone as it was in his name, fine I deleted all contacts etc from it and handed it over. We were now going through divorce whilst living under the same roof (not something I would recommend to anyone unless you are a dust bunny and mulder). After a few months I was getting lonely, not that I was missing him, my marriage had been a pretty lonely place for 15 years anyway. He kept trying to make me watch videos on his(my old #1 phone) or playing voice mail messages from women, generally just rubbing my nose in that he was having fun with women. (in his dreams and their nightmares). I decided to investigate internet dating, and the first man I found had a slightly familiar face and turned out to be the ex husband of my very good friend Kez. 10 years later and several stones lighter. Next I came across N (if you have been reading a while you will know that I got involved with N).

Much to my amusement my husband (SF) decided that N was called Mike and was a policeman (oh how funny was that, he even decided which town 'Mike' lived in, and had someone ready to smash up Mikes car). He was wrong in everything he had dreampt up, but what I didn't realise was that each night after chatting on msn, I would go to bed in the box room turn on my radio and continue to chat on the phone. Apparently SF was outside my door listening in. One night he came rushing in and tried to grab my phone which resulted in it being broken. I found an old one of DC's which had been on 02 so I could put my SIM card in that. (oh what a shock I had turning that on, to be greeted by........'CJ is a great fuck' .............ok so now I know my son is nolonger a virgin.) At the weekend I took #2 phone to the shop, it was sent away to be repaired. I didn't like DC's phone so I bought #3 phone a pink motorola as a pay as you go and swapped the SIM over.

Now I was using #3 phone as my main phone and when I got it back #2 was now a reserve phone used only for a few select people. Six months down the line I was nolonger with N, SF had moved out of the house and the divorce was absolute, I began seeing other men. For a long time #2 phone had 5 numbers on it (3 lovers and 2 friends). New years eve came along and my phones (both of them) went mad at 3am. That was when #2 phone died, I never did get to read the message form GB the most imortant of my lovers at that time. Perhas it was just as well as he managed to send what he thought wa a new yr greeting to his employees but actually sent part of one of our conversations......ooops and him a respectable married man!!

So that left me with #3 phone and as a spare for when my contract phone was restricted because I hadn't paid the bill on time I had DC's old phone as pay as you go back up. This worked fine for a long time. Then last december I bought new phones for my boys and upgraded my phone so now I had a nice new shiny black v3 razor motorola (#4 phone) and the pink motorola #3 phone was relegated to be my spare back up phone for that one day each month before I paid my bill. I also used #3 phone as my alarm to wake me each morning. As the months have gone by #3 has stopped holding its charge, I can now only charge it in the car and that doesn't last long. A month or so ago I gave up trying to charge it. But back in the summer when I was on my ebay binge I had bought a samsung similar to my #2 phone but pink. When I got it I found that it is locked to orange and I wanted to use it on 02.

Now if you have not already fallen asleep you will need to pay atention now or you will get lost.

At the start of October checked to see how much I needed to pay 02 for my september bill, I knew I hadn't had to pay anything in august as I had paid two months together. The reply from 02 was that my most recent bill of XX amount was paid. I thought nothing more of it other than thinking I hadn't realised I had already paid september. Tuesday last week my phone was restricted. again I checked my latest bill, the reply was that my latest bill of xxx was paid. I rang 02 from work to ask why my phone wqs restricted but they were saying my bills were paid. I had enough money in my bank account to pay the first bill but not two combined (october is now due). The bar was lifted but I have to check my bank to see if any payments have been made. My bank only shows the last 30 days online, which makes it awkward to see when I last made a payment.

Ok so they lifted the bar on wednesday but on friday evening it was restricted again. I can still receive calls and text but can't make any calls, I can't use my back up phone as it has no charge although it does have £5 credit. So I think I will be clever, remember the samsung from ebay, I shal get it unlocked. So into town at 4.15 giving myself enough time to do the deed but not go off spending money. I need to go to asda anyway. so I find the phone man with his stall, he says yes he can unlock it for £10, fine I leave it with him whilst I go to the bank for some money (good idea that ). When I get back he couldn't find the right cable so has rung his partner to help him, he tells me that he hasn't been able to unlock my phone but if I come back in 15 mins he will do it through his laptop. When I return he hasn't managed to unlock my phone grrrrrrrrrr.

So to recap I have #3 with credit but no charge, #4 phone has charge, can receive but not make calls/text. #5 phone has charge but is locked to orange and I have 02 SIM. So I am stuck unable to make any calls or text. Suposing I get a text from Romeo I won't be able to reply :-(

Now I am feeling a bit stuck because DC has promised to pay me some money. He got paid on Friday (his day off), he went to the bank but didn't transfer money to my account, but said he would do that on saturday). When I got home from Asda DC gave me £200 cash !!!! omg why did he do that. I am glad he gave me money but I would rather it was in my bank. Now I can't pay my phone bill even though I can afford it. I can only get to the bank on Saturdays. I get paid on friday so my phone bill wont get paid until friday.

Today I have a brain wave or two................ouch that hurt, watch out for flying pigs of the spotted variety. Yes that is what I will do I can buy a new cheap phone at asda when I go to do my shopping (yesterday I just got enough food for yesterday as DC hadn't paid me by that time). so I ahve done my shopping and pop into the electrical bit where they sell the TV's phones and cameras. I couldn't find a cheap phone on 02 so I bought #6 a very cheap plastic nokia on virgin (long time since I was a virgin customer) £14 I also noticed that they did SIM packs for £4 so I bought an orange one to see if it would work on #5 phone.

So now I have beside me on my bed
#3 phone £5 credit no charge
#4 phone fully charged but restricted
#5 phone now has working SIM and charged up but needs to have credit
#6 phone works but needs credit

so anyone can phone me but I still can't phone out gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrr

so guess what I am going to do next

buy some credit lol
then I shall indulge in some text sex just to make up for all this stress.....now who shall I choose

oh what fun I have been having with a little encouragement not that I needed much from my friend rae