Sunday, 16 November 2008

Numb

I am feeling numb from the inside out

It isn't because anything has happened

It just is

In a strange kind of way I feel absolutely fine. I am not in a state of anxiety. I feel that since I had 'that text' from Romeo a kind of pressure has been taken off me. I feel relaxed and my weekend headaches have been absent. I lie, I do have a slight niggly headache now but not like the ones I normally have. I think this one is partially due to the grim grey skies I see from my window but also the fact that I ahve been at my computer since woke up, yet I have achieved nothing.

I have been determined that I am going to the gym today yet I am sat here munching on a packet of biscuits.

It was my intention to get down to some serious writing this weekend, short stories, funny tales, it didn't matter as long as I wrote something. I have played globs on face book, I have played spider too which is something I tend to have on my desk top when I am writing. It may seem weird to you but when I am writing and get stuck I play a few hands of spider while I mull over what I want to write and gradually it comes together until I can click on the window containing the piece I am writing and just continue. I have looked as a few blogs but not nearly as many as I would normally read. I just don't feel inclined to do the things I normally do, which would be ok if I was doing other things instead.

Last night whilst chatting to Dani I decided to set up a profile on a dating site I had not looked at before, my hairdresser told me about it last week. It took me an age to come up with a new username that would convey the happy confident woman I usually am. But eventually I came up with a name that is different to any I have used before that suits me, Dani says she likes the name I chose. Thanks honey. I have exchanged emails with one man from the local city oh and Dani it might amuse you to know that the talking point was belly dancing.

But I don't feel any enthusiasm for any of it. I don't feel enthusiasm for reading or writing (two things I love to do apart from the obvious).

When I visited my mum yesterday she asked what was wrong and refused to believe me when I said nothing. I don't feel that there is anything wrong. I don't feel miserable or upset, I don't feel worried or anxious. But at the same time I don't feel full of the joys of life, I feel 'vacant'. The lights are on but nobody is at home.

This morning I had a chat with Aunty. Again she asked whats wrong and I said nothing she told me I was fibbing. Again I don't feel there is anything wrong, I just feel dead, numb, there is no significant feeling.

I am wondering if I have unconsciously shut down. I have tried to give Romeo space, I have only sent him the one email and the one text since I received his text 10 days ago. But in doing so I am denying who I am. It is my natural inclination to send him a text or an email at regular intervals. sometimes I am telling him how I feel,other times its something that has occurred in my life or maybe in the world. Sometimes its something sexy or cheeky or both. Not doing this is like having my right arm chopped off or tied behind my back. It has held me in check, but it has subdued me, I don't feel like myself at all.

Mentally I have given myself a date before which Romeo must show me that it won't always be like this. I can't go on like this indefinitely. I have told a couple of people that I am doing this but have not said the date I have given myself. I only hope that he will come through for me before his time is up.

In the meantime my mind is going into survival mode.

5 comments:

Rae!xx said...

Aw bless you, I am sure it will all come good in the end...xx

Fire Byrd said...

think that's a really good idea to give yourself a date. Cause whatever happens giving yourself a purpose will make you feel more empowered.
AS for your feeling vacant, it could be a grief reaction that your inconscious has kicked into to protest you. Or worse case scenerio is your getting depressed.
Just take care of you and try and find the time to be good to yourself.
hugs xx

cheekydani said...

I felt like that after my grandfather died, numb and cold, I think I was probably a bit depressed but without knowing it. Take care if you've ever been depressed before to watch for symptoms.

But glad you signed up on the dating site, I'll join you as soon as I can :)

x

Trixie said...

Oi, is this a dating site I don't know about girls??? Fill me in!!!

Agree with FB on this, You don't think anything is wrong, but there is...

I went through the same thing with Chief. You don't want to give up on them, but you know, you are going to have to...and move on.

It's when I finally put a closure on the Chief episode, that I threw myself back into the dating world. So yep, roll on that date, and you'll be able to move on. x

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