Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Scared

My confidence is good
My belief in myself higher than ever before in my life
I know my personality is good
Frequently I am called 'lovely'
I am cheerful
I am humourous

But why am I scared?

I am scared because I dislike my body
Like most women I have never been happy with my body, but as much as I dislike it now, I hated being skinny even more.

When I was playing the field it wasn't such an issue, my sexual partners were using me as much as I was using them but it was only sex. They taught me that not all men only want women with perfect figures. There are many men who like a woman with a fuller figure. But that was fine, we would initially meet for a drink or a meal but after that it was mostly sex and friendship.

But now that I am not and have not been in the market for a relationship based on sex, for a long time, there are a whole new set of fears.

Now that I am in the market for a serious relationship I am scared that my personality won't be enough. I am scared that no matter how much we might get on he might take one look at me and say no.

I know that if I am not happy with my body then need to do something about it. I have been trying to lose weight. I am still trying to follow the diet that I started in the Autumn of 2007 but I am not managing to get to the gym. I keep trying to get to the gym, but working full time then getting home cooking etc I am too tired to go to the gym.

In my heart of hearts I know that any man worth having will accept me as I am. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. I think that is why I am happy to let thing continue to progress slowly with The Man. We continue to exchange emails and text most days, there has been no further talk of meeting although I have no doubt that we will meet soon.

8 comments:

Elaine said...

Oh, you poor thing. C'mere...have a hug. x

We ALL feel like that. Perhaps he won't like my body? Perhaps he'll think I'm boring? Perhaps he'll be disappointed? But I bet he is feelng exactly the same things as you are. I would hate to meet a man who was so confident about himself and his personality and his body...because that would make him rather ugly in my eyes!

You'll be FINE xxx

cheekydani said...

Oh honey your post really touched me, partially because I could relate - like Elaine said, we all have these sorts of questions. But also it breaks my heart that a gorgeous woman who clearly has men falling all over her feels low about herself.

I'll admit that these days I'm pretty content how I am physically but it wasn't always so. Before I knew I was coeliac, I was terribly unwell and felt very uncomfortable in my skin all the time. When I found out what was making me ill and adjusted my life to fix that, I was just so relieved to feel well. And I decided that I was going to enjoy my body as it was in whatever size. I think the coeliac diet helped with this and I rarely eat poorly as a result, but it was also a change in my mindset to enjoy my body as a healthy being. Since that point my weight has only fluctuated by a few kilos rather than a few stone. Oh that and belly dancing which trimmed up the edges if you like! Anyway, I guess what I'm saying in this ramble is if you can find a place inside that enjoys your body and appreciates it for what it is, perhaps that is a good place to start? Of course eat healthy food and exercise too :)

And don't forget you're a wise wily woman with a brain who I've no doubt can look past the things she doesn't like about her figure and find the one aspect which is gonna rock a guy's world - be it the curve of your waist, a full hip, or a great set of knockers - and flaunt the hell out of it baby! He won't be able to get his eyes off that aspect to notice the rest which you're less fond of, trust me gorgeous! x

Fire Byrd said...

The thing is everyone feels like you do about part of themselves.
And although you know what size I am, I worry about what a man will see when he sees me naked and not because of the mastectomy, but cause of my sagging flesh and none perfect bits. Which is of course bollocks. Cause if someone likes us they like us for our brains and not the size of our bellies.
And you do have a great cleavage!!!!
xx

Rach said...

We all do have these feelings, I know I still do especially not added to by the fact that K is stick thin.

I can also understand what you mean with the when it's just sex having done that myself too.

But like Dani says find your best assett and concentrate on that, I learned a long time ago I have a good cleavage and yes I do use it to my advantage daily...hugs xx

nitebyrd said...

LIR, the thing that I have learned lately and am trying to follow everyday is - Do it for yourself. Don't change or compromise for anyone but YOU!

If you are happy with your body then it will show and those that you will attract will be happy with you the way you are.

Mel said...

...accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love YOU.
That's what's attractive, always.

Just sayin'......

Trixie said...

Hon, we all feel like that at stages. How I feel at the moment as well. But do something about it. So I gather it's my diet you are talking about you are following? That's great! You did well at the beginning on it. Regarding exercise...try some at home if you can't make it to the gym. Your boys have a Wii now..yes? Invest in the Wii Fit...I ADORE mine, and since I've been back from egypt, I've been on it everyday, and I've lost the weight I put on holiday already!

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