Saturday, 7 June 2008

being a mother is not so hot

What on earth made me think this would be a good thing to do?

I know that Giggle, trubl and Peach are all going through the traumas of pregnancy right now and for me those days seem so far away. But really is it the right thing to do. My mum has always (well for the last 20+ years at least) maintained that your children are a bigger worry when they are grown up than when they are little. As I am sure you are aware I have 4 little darlings and some days I just wish I could run away and leave them. Of course I am not going to do that but some days that is how I feel.

My youngest JA is 12 1/2 he is a typical boy going out on his bike having adventures with his mates (they all live in the village so life for them is more akin to my own childhood, with streams to fish and paddle in, trees to climb etc. He worries me because he has a very busy A road to cross (years ago there were a number of deaths on this stretch of road with pedestrians getting hit, it is much better now though). He either forgets to take his phone or it runs out of battery, so even when he has got credit he cant ring me and I cant tell him to come home for dinner. some times he doesn't go to school 'ill', as I leave the house before he gets up in the mornings I can't judge whether he really is ill. He has mechanical problems with his feet, not a huge problem but enough to make sport difficult for him. This is the extent of my worries for him. I am very lucky.

Next I have ET (it really was cruel of me to give him the middle name of Thomas) at 16 1/2 he is fairly tall but not over tall but very skinny. He currently has two more GCSE exams to take then he is finished. His school Prom is in two weeks then he starts college in September. He doesn't appear to do a great deal of revision although he says he does. He loves to chat on msn and myspace until the early hours with his friends. I don't like the loud noise that seems to involve a lot of screaming which he calls music. It is difficult to get him to do anything like washing up etc but when he does do it he does a good job of it.

He likes to go to either The City or The Other City on the train with his mates. He likes going to the cinema and he likes girls. He likes to party, he doesn't smoke or get upto anything he shouldn't do other than a little drinking, but surprisingly he doesn't over do it, apparently all those years of seeing his dad drunk have had a positive effect on him. He needs to earn money (he isn't afraid of work and most of his friends now have part time jobs). what he doesn't do is have the motivation to get a job. He has on several occasions walked around town handing his CV to store managers but that is all he has done. My biggest worry about him are that he hasn't got a job and I am damn sure I don't want him wasting all summer lazing around the house playing computer games all day every day.

Penultimately (unlike The Apprentice's Kevin on the special 'weakest link' that I saw last night I do know the meaning of the word) I have OJ. OJ at nearly 18 is a bit of a clever clogs. He has just had his last AS level exam yesterday. He has one more year at college where he is studying Pure Maths, Further Maths, ICT and Law. He then has plans to go to Uni and do a Maths degree (he is expected to get straight A's in all his exams). He is applying to go to Oxford. This week he received invites from two other Univercities offering him places to study Maths with them (he has not even considered applying to these but they have saught him out). He is thinking about Warwick and I forget which other if he doesn't get into Oxford or failing that Southampton has a good maths department by all accounts.

OJ is not interested in girls yet 'but I'm not gay'. He isn't often out socialising, although he does occasionally go to the cinema or out for a meal with his friends. He has a season ticket for the County Cricket ground. (This year I have only had to take them once as they now either go by train or in his mate H's car). He has joined an indoor soocer team which is every wednesday eve. He is very careful with his money. He is the man of the house these days, he will put up shelves etc if I need him to so thats something I won't need to do anymore.

OJ worries me because he will not put himself out to find work. Many of the part time jobs that young people do are he feels 'beneath' him. He won't work in a fast food outlet or push rolleys around. Everything anyone suggests he isn't interested in. He gets his EMA £30 a week which pays for his train fare to get to college and a bit of spending money. He says he doesn't need money. But I know that if he goes to Uni he will need some money to help him live, getting a job now will help him to save up for then.

Lastly I have DC who aged 20 is the bane of my life. The early years were a constant battle often ending up with me pinning him to the ground and sitting on him to keep him still. I think things improved when he had sleep problems when he was 8. I got very little sleep for a couple of months trying to help him to sleep until eventually my GP gave in and prescribed a sedative to knock him out at night. At the time I had a baby and two other young children. Over the following years our relationship was much better although he avoided me as much as possible when I was ill (he couldn't cope with his mum being very ill). The teenage years were fine unlike many families we didn't have the typical teenage battles. (In fact noof my three older boys have). Dc was my protector during the break up of my marriage, he protected me from assualt when his dad was in a mood often having to hit or push his dad away from me. I will always be greateful to him for this.

DC has never had any money sense, which means that although he earns almost as much as I do he can never afford to pay his keep let alone his share of the council tax. He is in a lot of debt, has a stupid bank account that wont allow him to use direct debit or standing order fascilities. He has to go to the bank to get money. He pays his car insurance £150 pm by direct debit from my bank. but he has to transfer the money first. This month he didn't the money left my account before he gave me cash. So I now have charges on my account for going over my overdraft limit to pay his debt. He has been to the bank a few weeks ago and now has anoother account which will allow him to use most ATM machines but he still can't use DD etc. A few weeks ago he lost the keys to his car, so suddenly my car is considered to be 'the Car'. He can't get to the bank easily. so why isn't he using his new account. because his salary was paid into the old account. why has he not arranged for it to be paid into the new account? because he hasn't got the new PIN, why has he not done anything about this?

'I have managed like this for months so get off my case'

When I got home from work yesterday I discovered that the toilet was blocked. Apparently DC (who had a day off from work as he was working today) had blocked it allowing the floor to get flooded and had just walked off to his girlfriend's house leaving it like that. The sink was also still full of the washing up I had asked him to do on Thursday. I tried several times to phone him but he was not answering my calls.If I ask him to do anything he usually promises to do it later but never does. On Thursday the Company he works for announced that it will be making 900 employees redundant. I think this may be a good time for DC to find a new job not necessarily here. During a conversation a while ago he said that if I kicked him out he would move to Brighton. The drummer of his band has a house there. I think this wold be a good idea for my sake if he did this now. I love DC and at times it is good to have him around but mostly he just causes me anguish. If he were not here he would not be costing me so much to keep and I would not be worrying about him so much.

Being a mother is sometimes something I wish I wasn't. I think this mother is going to have to push one of her chicks out of the nest before the relationship becomes too strained for both of us.


Mei Del said...

this will do your relationship a world of good - he'll have to find his own feet in the world and one day he'll thank you for all the years you put up with him and then let him go to learn to be a man.

Lady in red said...

I hope so
this evening he has borrowed my car to go to Brighton for band practice he expects to be back around 5pm tomorrow(last time the reality was 7pm) I have told him if my car is not back by 4.20 (when I have to collect JA after his activity weekend) then he won't be living here much longer.

MarmiteToasty said...

Dam they sound lazier then my 4 sons LOL.....

Why is his car insurance so very high, my Sam who is 18 only pays £55 a month ....whats your lad driving a bloody Bentley LOL

Mine 2 that work full time pay there 'keep' money on the dot each and every Friday.... they are off to Spain on holiday next week so this week they paid next weeks keep to even though they wont be here :)....

kids aye.......


Lady in red said...

marmite he drives a suzuki vitara (stupid boy) he doesn't need a 4 x 4 he has realised that now and decided to sell it but it will still take him months to get around to doing anything about it. I have spoken to a dealer who told me what he could get for it and where to advertise it it up to him

Mei Del said...

bloody hell don't let my george hear that! he was just moaning to me that all his mates have sick cars whilst his is just unmentionable (it's a peugeot 205 - he should be lucky already!)

Bollinger Byrd said...

That poster is just what I need for youngest with attitude!
But as you know to solve his issues I get to run away from home next year instead.... can't wait!
Even though when he's good he's very very good company and when he's bad, he's lucky he hasn't been arrested yet!!

Mel said...

Kids, eh?

((((( hugs ))))))

Lady in red said...

Mei his first car was a peugeot 205 the car he had been wanting but after 5 months he decided he didn't like it and swapped it for this fuel guzzling insurance nightmare!!!

now hes after a 205 again or a micra but he wont do anything about it other than search the net for what he wants then get depressed because he cant buy the car he wants until hes sold this one.

Lady in red said...

BB as soon as I saw that I thought it was just perfect.

In the whole I am lucky my kids are all good kids, polite well mannered never been arrested although DC did come close 4 years ago....that frightened the life out of him for a while.

Lady in red said...

mel thanks

nitebyrd said...

LIR, I only have one son, who is now 22, still at home and is not very motivated to find a job that will offer him more money, insurance benefits and full-time hours. He has been somewhat of a trial since puberty. I thought when he was young because he was such a wonderful baby and child, that he wouldn't be my head/heartache. I thought my daughter would be the one I'd tear my hair out over. But, they both changed. He for the worse, she for the better.

Like yours, my son, isn't bad or evil but still he gives me fits.

Mother Nature allowed me to have a girl and a boy, which told me upon the birth of that boy I was to stop reproducing at two children. I admire you for raising 4, all male, children. I could not have done it.

Just always know, you are not alone.

Lady in red said...

Nitebyrd isn't it funny how they can be such a trial to us but we still love them anyway. Yet we don't feel that way about other people.

He actually managed to get my car home on time yesterday...not sure if that was the added incentive of not living here if he didn't. But as it turned out I had got PB to collect JA for me as I was bed ridden with migraine. (which could have been brought on by the worry of how to get JA if my car wasn't back)

Vi said...

Urgh... you aren't making me think my life will get easier when my boys grow up. lol

Gypsy said...

My daughters are almost 14 and are starting to display those lovely teenage characteristics. You know..... the attitude and the eye rolling because mum doesn't know anything. I don't think they understand how I made it this far in life without them.

I know it's only set to get worse and when they're in full blown adolescence I will likely be in that wonderful place called menopause. I just hope we all come out the other side in one piece.

Emma said...

I find it hard to comment on any of this not being a mother, well only to Holly.

But seriously whatever you feel is best will be the right thing for all of you.

I personally think you have done a fantastic job with them all in sometimes very difficult circumstances. You should feel very proud..xx

having my cake said...

That Teenager thing really did make me smile. Trust me, girls are just as bad x

Giggle! said...

LOL!!!! Well theres no going back for me now ffs!!!

As soon as the little shit can walk... I'll be giving it away! :-P *GiGGLeS* *Hugs* xx

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