Tuesday, 24 July 2007

paranoid

I have a tendency to get paranoid.

If I am driving,I start to get paranoid when the car behind me takes the same turnings as me more than once. The longer it goes on the worse my imagination gets. Sometimes I think I am being followed because I abscent mindedly did something wrong in my driving. Other times I think its my ex husband having me followed. All stupid and I get such a feeling of relief when the other vehicle goes a different way or on the motorway goes past me. when I was travelling to Blah there was a recovery vehicle that pulled out everytime I did, then pulled in again everytime I did until eventually they overtook me. This must have gone on for all of 5 minutes but felt more like an hour.

today I feel sad, today I feel unloved, today I feel there must be something wrong with me. I know it is me being paranoid again. Why do I feel like this. 24hrs ago I was happy. 24hrs ago I was in the arms of a man who has made me happy even when I have felt ill for the past 10 days. (Dr says its viral and may take another 2 weeks before I am feeling better). Since leaving my side this man who has made me happy, has barely managed to do more than send a text telling me that sleep is good for me. I know I am being impatient. He has work, family and others in his life. I am not his top priority. I had got used to the sleep well text each night and the how are you this morning text. What has happened to those?

It now seems that maybe I should just shut myself off. recently I had an encounter with another man who just cut himself off after. different situation, different man, different feelings, different hopes. Same result........... thin air.....ok not quite thin air

I have been getting too introspective, looking for reasons where perhaps there are none. Is it me? is it my home (I know I have not touched it while im ill). Did I say something? did I not say something I should have done? Did I let things go too far, or not far enough? Maybe I should have left things as they were. I was happy with our friendship as it was.

why has this happened recently, even Oxo has taken 2 weeks to make any contact with me since we last met. There is one man I can rely on but its probably best I dont invite him round until I am better. right now Mr Passionate would break me in two.