Thursday, 26 July 2007


I am unhappy, I am sad, I feel empty, I am miserable
There, I said it, I admit that I feel miserable
Today I sent an email, one that I really didn’t want to write let alone send.
As much as I really like him both as a friend and a lover
It just wasn’t working
I would have liked to have seen him much more often
But I could cope with the infrequency of our being together.
The reason I have given up is the spasmodic communication.
This is all I am going to say about this

Today I have thought about other men in my life
Last night I had a chat via msn with JJ about our plans for a spanking session
This spanking session is with the expectations of him being highly sexually aroused while I have to remain un aroused with much temptation being placed in my way to persuade me to be bad which in turn would lead to further punishment. This chat was continued via phone as I later lay in my bed playing, as he listened to my moans he was describing what he will do to me and how my wrists will be bound and my eyes blind folded to heighten my experience.

There is another man in my life who is planning to spank me. We are friends and I trust him. This is not intended to be a sexual event. This will be a very different experience for me. There is no talk of arousal, more of implements and rituals.

Today I text a married lover. When I decided to stop playing the field I told all my lovers that I would not see them anymore, all that is except this one. I just couldn’t bare to give up this one lover. The one I have referred to as my Passionate lover. He is married as I say and when I first met him he was playing around with other women. Months ago he told me that he just didn’t have the time to play around anymore but he would always make time for me. As it happens we have not been able to find the time to see each other since February. He comes here to me as I refuse to go to his home although that would have been easier. It has been difficult as there always seemed to be one of the kids home or I had to go out. Then I was ill, soon after this #2 son finished school, now I am working in the daytime. He works nights. I have not been in touch with him for a couple of months. But today I felt a need to connect with him. He says he had wondered where I had disappeared to. It was good to exchange text for a while. He still wants to see me and is pleased that I still want to see him. I can’t see this happening before September which is torture but at least I know we both still want it.

I have also had various chats recently with my ex b/f on msn. Each time I end up wondering why I bother. Without fail he makes me want to hit him. He can be so childish, irritating and damn right rude. He always ends up being insulting to me. Yes I know I should block him. One of the things he often asks is if I have any new pictures. This man thinks nothing of insulting me but wants pictures of my body. He never believes me that I have no new photos. In fact there are only two new pictures of me and only one person other than me has seen them and that’s the man who took them on his phone then later sent them to me. (unless he has shown them to anyone which I doubt).