Saturday, 28 July 2007

cross

he says I seem to be cross
whatever gives him that idea
I am not cross while we are chatting
perhaps it has something to do with some of my recent posts
"fond" and maybe "scream"
On the whole I am fairly cheerful
I am enjoying going to work again
I am enjoying feeling sexy again after the last few months
whilst not great my life is ok
my social life is improving
maybe I am premenstral but I don't think it is that
I tend to shout a lot when I am premenstral (often shouting apologies for shouting)
I am unlikely to be premenstral as I no longer get menstral and if I was it only lasts a day or maybe two


yes I was cross when he told me that everyone is very fond of me, I was also cross with him because he keeps telling me that the man who I yearn for is a 'fuckwit'. Maybe I need to be told that, but it doesn't mean that I want to hear it or can accept it.

I am cross because that man who occupies my thoughts so much makes me so frustrated. I am cross with me for letting a man get under my skin. I am cross with myself for not being able to keep my feelings to myself, for telling him how I feel. My instinct tells me to play it cool and pretend he doesnt mean anything to me. A male friend told me 6 months ago when I had a crush on GB that I should tell him how much I like him, that men need to be told they are wanted too. So I dither, should I tell him or play it cool. I can't make up my mind so I try to play it cool then I worry that he will think I don't care, so then I over compensate and tell him I really want him, I stop short of using the words love or need (I don't love or need him or any man but boy do I want him).
He is very quiet and unassuming, he is very gentle and safe, but he very quickly got under my skin, that wasn't meant to happen. He was meant to be like the others, he was meant to be nice,kind, a good lover, a good friend, someone I could go weeks or even months without speaking to but when we do its like we pick up where we left off. I have that with others so why not with him. I am cross with myself because I cannot bear to go a day without speaking to him one way or another. I am cross with him because he doesn't keep in contact. I am cross with me for wanting him to, I am cross with him because he won't. I am cross with him because I feel he is playing mind games with me. I am cross with me for being a paranoid idiot, he probably doesnt even think about it. I am cross because I want to see him so much. I am cross because he doesnt mind me seeing another man (not that I was trying to make him jealous). he just text me at the wrong moment. Until I got his midnight text I was frustrated that I hadnt heard from him in hours but his text made me angry. I wanted, to shake him, slap him tell him to wake up. I wanted to tell him I am here waiting for him come and get me!!! I wanted to tell him that he had driven me into the arms of another man when it was him I wanted.

I am cross with my son, he has had a warning from work for having too much time off work ill (hes only been there since feb) but today he was ill. I told him last night to dose himself up and get plenty of sleep, then drag himself into work today. He wasnt due to start work until 1pm!! but he didnt go. I am also cross with him because he was meant to move out a few weeks ago then it was put back to last monday then postponed indefinitely, partly because he didn't have enough money left to pay first month's rent. He's telling me this when hes wearing new clothes and has spent £150 on a ticket to Reading festival and god knows how much on a paintballing session. So hes still here and eating all my food and using electicity and has now completely runout of money. (he had to borrow money for petrol from his younger brother). Because he was moving out I didn't ask him for a month's rent so for a whole month he has only given me £130.

I am cross with my boss, this morning I over heard her telling someone that now she is 50 she has got an appointment to go for a mammagram, but she wont go. she said if she is going to die then she will die. I was not near to her at the time (her voice carries) she was not speaking to me otherwise I would have told her that she was being irresponsible. She then made a phone call to someone about an interview for her 16 yr old daughter. she was concerned that the company's website infers that it employs youngsters from mainly broken homes (her daughter does not come from such a home!!) this comment was noted by both the other people I was working with. She continued to be the caring parent making sure that this company had her daugher's best interests at heart. She is such a caring mother but obviously not caring enough to ensure her health is looked after so that she can continue to be a mother.

In conclusion I guess he might be right.........I might be slightly cross