By the time we arrived it was too late grandad had passed away.
I can't help feeling that he would have preferred it that way. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sat there watching for his last breath. Waiting for his last moment. We had said our goodbyes hours earlier. He had not been aware of what was happening for hours, he had had enough. We had been there for him when he was still conscious, that was more important to us and him.
Thursday was a strange day waking up feeling crap (having been awake until 5am) I still cant believe that at one point I told my mum I felt like death 'warmed up'. It was only later I realised what I had said. When I mentioned it to my mum she said she had noticed and had chuckled to herself. But she agreed that she felt as though she had a hangover. The day was a mixture of phone calls and sleeping.
One phone call I hadn't expected was SF, he had tried calling me at work. To give his sympathy?
No he didn't know grandad had gone. He does now and I have said he can attend the funeral (if he doesn't drink first). No he was phoning to ask me to lend him £50 to tide him over until he gets paid next week. I really wish he wouldn't put me in this situation. Most months I find myself just scraping through with no spare money. But I do still have money in the bank not that I want him to know that. I don't want to be lending him money but I feel that if I say no then he might be less willing to help me out next time I need it. (hopefully those days are now over). Equally I don't want to set a precedence for him to keep begging me for money every time he wants beer or cigarettes. I gave him £20. I could have managed more but don't feel it would be helpful to either of us if I did.
“Doing” a Doctorate – week 36
1 day ago