not an old boiler

I have just had a good week

Not an exceptional week but a fairly decent one. On Tuesday I had a call from Spark he was placing an order but will only speak to me so instead of calling the office he calls my mobile. Not that I mind much. Because of the nature of his business he tends to collect his orders rather than have them delivered. But this time it was going to be difficult so he asked if I would be able to meet him to deliver his goods. As our journeys home from work took us in opposite directions along the same road.

So on Tuesday after work I drove over the hill to the Gladstonian where I parked next to spark's car. No sooner was I out of the car than he was kissing me. I broke out of his embrace and suggested we transfer the parcels from my car to his. He asked if we could sit in my car for a bit.
After a little more kissing Spark told me that he has thought about me a lot. He asked if I had been thinking about him and did I ever think we might meet up again.

'no not really..............you are not available and I am worth more than a quick fumble in a car'.

I think that suprised him. Although he did agree with me quite emphatically about being worth more. We talked and kissed for a while before going our seperate ways.

On wednesday late afternoon I found some money that someone had dropped. It was quite a bit of money and I could really do with it at this time. It would be really helpful a I don't get paid until next friday. I was telling Plumber about it later and he said

'I hope you kept it......but knowing you, you did the honest thing and handed it in.'

of course he was right, I did hand it in. Although it was very tempting I know I would be devastated if I had lost that amount of money and it didn't get handed in, besides I believe in Karma. It also felt good to be doing the right thing.

During my chat with Plumber I told him that I was meant to be going out on Saturday evening with a friend but I might have to tell her I couldn't afford it. I told him which pub in the city we were going to. I know that the band he roadie's for play there sometimes. But he told me we should go to their gig at a more local pub (in the village where my friend now lives) on friday. He even said he would give me money for drinks.

Work has been good too.....the volume of work coming in is not high but I have been able to make progress with a few of my projects. There is also a trade show at the Birmingham NEC very soon which my boss will be attending with a trade stand for several days. I shall be there on the Sunday which will be good experience for me and good for my networking. I have a choice now....do I drive there and back on the Sunday knowing that I will have to be in the office working on the Monday. Or get a lift there and train home (2 1/2 hrs drive or 3 1/2 hrs by train).

I was telling Forest about going up to the show, he thought I meant this Sunday, which would put paid to his plan to invite me round for some fun this sunday evening. After clearing up that bit of confusion I said I would consider it and let him know.

Friday evening arrived my friend picked me up and took me back to her place from where we walked to the pub which was already buzzing. A double rum and coke or two later when the band had begun playing I turned around and found one of my neighbours stood behind me. We chatted for a few minutes, our sons are friends. It occurred to me that I might be able to get a lift home with him. However he only stayed for the first set so that was no good. In the end I asked Plumber if he knew anyone who could give me a lift otherwise I would have to order a taxi. Plumber said that he could take me but I would have to wait for him to load up the van drive it to the drummer's house not far away and come back with his car.

His mate who has been over from his new home in a warmer european country (staying with him) offered to wait with me. He was very friendly and told me all about the lifestyle where he now lives. He did say 'so you know plumber then'. I was very vague just saying 'yes we are friends'. Fortunately our transport arrived just then. I climbed in the back and Plumber drove me home. On arrival he walked me to my back door (out of sight of his car) where he kissed me, told me that his mate doesn't know he is seperated. Noticed the state of my garden fence (which we had discussed at the time it came down a few months ago). He also said that he hoped I would be able to go to he party they were having on Saturday night.

I was feeling hungry when I got in so made a pasta snack but used too much water so it was too sloppy but at 1am I wasn't going to make anything else. To my suprise when I turned on my laptop Forest was there saying 'hello drunk' . I had warned him earlier that I was going out drinking. ( he isn't a night owl like me). I am afriad I fell asleep chatting to him. when I woke up half an hour later he had said good night so had Plumber who had also tried to chat to me.

Whilst at my mother's on saturday afternoon ET called to say there was a problem with our boiler, he had put more gas on but couldn't get the boiler to fire up. I went home to sort it out only to discover that it has lost pressure and needs to be re-pressurised. Fine! we followed all te instructions, locate flexible filler loop. That was the problem we couldn't find one. We checked online, I called Plumber and LV for help. Plumber was very good spending ages trying to help me on the phone but wasn't available to come round. He was setting up the gear for the night's gig in a village a little way off. (I told him I wasn't going after all as my friend couldn't get a babysitter). If I couldn't get it sorted he would call round on sunday to fix it for me.

I called LV who also spent ages on the phone trying to find the solution. Between all of us we conclude that the 'flexible filling loop' has been hard fitted, but I couldn't get it to do anything. So here I am on sunday morning feeling cold and unwashed. Waiting for a suitable time to request a visit from Plumber.





Plumber has been and took all of a minute to fix the problem :)

And Now its New Year already

Its New Years Eve again ................how did I get here so soon?
I have been off work for a whole week......a whole week I can't believe it. All those plans I had for writing and walking, going into the office for a few hours to get work prepared for the new year. where has the time for all that gone?

Boxing Day I had a few hours of solitude while the offspring were with their other parent. Ideal time to write. I cleared the kitchen did some laundry tried to get some inspiration, resorted to reading my new book of humourous quotes. Nothing! I was just getting my second mince pie of the season when the phone rang......can you pick us up now please.

The rest of the week has been no better. If I wasn't giving ET a lift into work or shopping (yes I have visited asda and sainsburys) I was paying money into the bank (not only mine). Oh I did get myself some new shoes in the M & S sales. Surely you didn't think I would get through the week without some new shoes ..............purple ones to go with all my purple tops. I do like to be colour co-ordinated didn't you know. I have visited my mother several times and done a few errands for her. Including taking her to hospital for her pre op blood test.

Mother did tell me yesterday as I drove her home in her car........you are a good girl doing all this for me. ha ha I do try to be good when I can (I'm not naughty all the time).....I have accepted that I have reached that time in my life when I am still running around after my children but now also my parent (I only have one left). Nobody needs to know of the not so good thoughts I sometimes harbour.

I was just chatting to Forest comparing notes about conversations we have needed to have with our respective eldest child during the festive season. I told him that these are the times I hate being a parent. His reply ..........'these are the times they need us to be parents'. You see this is why I adore Forest not just for his body but he is also great to talk to. Even if he has got wharped ideas at times. Earlier I received a missed call (it rang once) from a very strange number obviously not a British phone number so I googled it. To my suprise I got a result..........a female filipino looking for hotel work. Forest predictably suggested hiring her to earn money for me.

It hasn't all been running around after others I did go out for lunch with Plumber on Tuesday. It was nice to spend a few hours together with no pressure of time or anything else just talking eating and drinking. I amost forgot that I had promised to collect ET from work at 5.30 it was 5.20 when I realised and we were sitting in Plumbers car chatting up on Winchester Hill in the growing dark. We quickly drove off to fetch ET (he only had to wait 10 mins or so). A quick kiss before I ran indoors. I had forgotten what it is like to kiss him. We have agreed not to wait so long before we go out again.

I won't pretend any of us received or gave many presents this year but Christmas day was good and we all appreciated what we did get, but I do want to share one gift with you. It is probably the loveliest gift I have ever been given.



Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminded that I have some wonderful and generous friends too. Which has led me to realise what my New Year resolution must be.

My New Year Resolution is to accept help when it is offered. I did think another resolution might be to actually ask for help but on considering that I realised that to expect that might be asking a little too much.

Here is my favourite photo from Christmas Day. After my mother's first visit to my house in a long time (she can't manage the stairs very easily and our bathroom is upstairs) I took her home we both forgot her basket but our cat Nipper decided to adopt it.

Here we go again ........or perhaps not

For a few months I had a fair few dates, mostly with Plumber (hes currently out of the country for the second time in less than a month). But although I was having these dates most of the time I was behaving myself. I know I have at least one reader who keeps trying to read between the lines, thinking there has been more going on than I was telling. But the truth is that although I had some fun with Plumber and even spent a few nights with him, I have had relatively little sex in the last six months. To be honest there has been very little action for the last two years since I had my bust up with Forest. In fact since then I could count my sexual encounters on one hand. Until six months ago that is, but even in the last six months I have only made love 4 times (once with Thomas who will always hold a special place in my heart) and 3 times with Forest.

Forest is the reason that this blog has the address it does, I originally dedicated this blog to him. I adored him, I gave him my heart. But he didn't want it, I was very hurt, but I dusted myself off and got on with life. I vowed that I would never see him again, we did manage to pick up the pieces of our friendship. The subject of sex was avoided for a long time. Even when it did become a topic of discussion, it was only general, never sex between us. Then came the day when that changed, it was just talk, nothing more.

That was until about six months ago when we began discussing the possibilities of being friends with benefits. Sufficient time had elapsed for my broken heart to be mended, I was able to be dispassionate about it. We tried it once and it was good, very good. We both know how to give each other pleasure and this time I was able to stop my heart from being involved. I think that knowing there is no emotional involvement helped. I am a great believer that sex is better when love is involved, but in this case we like and care about each other and that seems to be enough to enable us to have great sex.

But he has gone and spoilt that. I have been getting random kisses from him by text. Over the weekend we chatted online (twice........very rare to hear from him at all at weekends). I told him about meeting Spark who reminded me how it feels to have butterflies. He told me about his date with a lady who gave him butterflies. Which is why I am suprised that he has been thinking about me. Why, if I had met someone new who gave me butterflies I would be thinking about them not my friend. When I said that I doubt he thinks about me very much he replied 'probably more than you realise'.

I really wish he hadn't said that, because now I keep thinking about him. I don't want to be thinking about him too often. I know that if this continues then the feelings I had for him 2 years ago will start to come back. It was humiliating enough before, it would be doubly humiliating to go there again. I do like him, we have some long conversations about all sorts of things including family things. I know he likes me as a friend (as a friend he sometimes has great sex with). But he doesn't want a relationship so I have to guard my heart from falling for him again. He knows that I won't stop being friends with him for any man but if I become involved with someone then I shall be faithful to him. Our friendship will go back to being non sexual. But at the moment he is filling my thoughts and I wish he wouldn't.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels as though I must have been very wicked in a previous life to have such bad luck in this one.

On Tuesday I had a phone call at work to say that the internet at home wasn't working. Our connection was not even showing on the list of available networks. It had been getting steadily worse for sometime dropping in and out of connection. I had promised that I would call our internet provider on Thursday (I had booked the day off on Thursday). But now I had no choice.

When I got home from work I prepared the evening meal (corned beef hash) before making the call to talktalk. Following the instructions from the operative I reconnected to the internet. So that was another problem solved. Time to finish cooking the dinner, I put a tray of chips in the oven for ET.

Next thing I know ET is telling me we have got a power cut, but the lights were still on. I climbed into the cupboard under the stairs where the fuse box lives along with the gas and electricity meters. The trip switch was down and wouldn't stay up. I phoned LV for advice. We worked out that it was the cooker that had blown the circuit. By switching off the cooker at the wall I was able to switch the rest of the circuit back on. It was lucky that most of the dinner was already cooked. This was one of those moment when I wonder why me? Just how bad was I in a previous life.

On wednesday I was alright as I was going out for dinner with Plumber. I was wracking my brains trying to figure out what my boys could have for their dinner. We decided on some frozen meals that I usually oven cook but that can be done in the microwave. However it turns out that after I had gone out they decided to walk to the local chip shop, stopping on the way to buy a pizza to go with their chips. It wasn't until they returned home that they realised that they couldn't cook the pizza!

During our meal at a newly refurbished and reopened (after a year) pub beside a river in an area renown for its watercress beds, I explained to plumber what had happened with my cooker. I am hoping that it might be a simple inexpensive job that he can do for me, but then I am still waiting for him to fix my shower for me (2 months after he said he would). If I could afford it I would get someone else to do it for me.

The setting for our meal was lovely, the pub is very spacious but each area is very intimate and interesting. The food was delicious although the menu was very limited ie 4 starters and 4 main courses. I would say that this place is well worth a visit if you are in the area. It was the first time I had been there but I gather from friends that it was very popular years ago but it went downhill and had a bad reputation for several years. Hopefully now that it is under new management it will become popular again.

Thursday morning I was woken by a tremendous crash of thunder and heavy rain so that was the end of my hopes for a warm sunny day off. I had a headache all morning which tablets didn't touch. In the afternoon I went shopping for microwavable food then called round to see my mother. By then it was raining steadily with no sign of letting up, but at least my headache was easing. Mother was excited because she had something for me, a free gift that had arrived with some stationary she had ordered. She opened the parcel and handed me a flat oblong box. Inside this box was stainless steel precision scales, (I had been talking about getting some digital scales) but these are not designed for the purpose I had in mind. There were more for weighing letters and parcels than people. Only my mother could have made such a mistake bless her.

I ended my day off by driving 34 miles to visit Forest. As always we had a very relaxing time kissing, making love and chatting. We discussed the problems I am having with my cooker and my shower. He suggested that I should switch the cooker on at the wall while the cooker is completely turned off, then one at a time turn each part on to see which parts of the cooker if any worked without tripping the fuse again. He also suggested that the solution to my problems with my shower could be a magnetic descaler on the in pipe. I now know that my oven and one hot plate still work. But since then the microwave has begun sparking and flashing so I wont let anyone use that! Luckily I was chatting to a friend about this and he has very kindly bought me a new microwave oven. It is things like that which remind me I am lucky to have such lovely friends.

Being pro active

I wouldn't want to go through the last week again in a hurry.

Nearly everyday I received at least one new statement from the TCO (tax credit office). Each day the amount of my alleged over payment was mounting. There is absolutely no way that I could both pay my rent and feed my family on the money I was left with. By wednesday I had no cereal, bread or milk left in the house, under £1 in my purse and not enough fuel to get to work and back. I managed to concoct some food for my evening meal but didn't manage to keep it down. I had earlier been thinking about taking a day off on Thursday because I needed a break. But I had decided to have the day off on Friday instead and make it a long weekend. But now that I was poorly I was forced to stay at home on both Thursday and Friday.

I spent a lot of Thursday and Friday in tears. It has been a long time since I was so down. But even though I was feeling so very low, I was determined not to just accept the situation. Letters were written to TCO and my local MP with a further copy being emailed to Tessa Jowell in her role as HM Paymaster General. Time was spent scanning all the statements onto the computer. I applied for and was accepted for a top up on my personal loan (with my monthly repayments increasing by just £7). I felt so much better for being pro active. I don't know if I can over turn or perhaps reduce the alleged over payments but at least I have tried to do something about it.

During this time I have also had some long heart to heart emails with a guy I have been in contact with for a few weeks. The upshot of all this is that he disagrees with all the advice that women have about men. The main thing being that women should just be themselves and not give the impression of being too strong. Strong women scare men away, men like to feel protective. I know he is right, my friend PB and her husband of more than 20 years split for this very reason. He felt he wasn't needed by his strong independent wife.

Talking of men, there has been a very unexpected twist in the tale. Two years ago I was seeing Forest but so infrequently that I was also seeing Oxo. Not long after my bust up with Forest I alo stopped seeing Oxo. It did take some time before he accepted that I wasn't going to be persuaded to see him any more. I had decided by then that I was ready to have a proper relationship. Oxo told me that he would wait for me. I knew he liked me a lot, but he wasn't interested in having a relationship.

On Saturday night I had been reading a message on one of the dating sites when I saw a photo that I recognised. It was Oxo, I sent him a very brief message using the code word we had used . Although he didn't recognise the photo of me with my glasses he knew straight away that it was me. A couple of emails and phone calls later he was telling me that he had thought we had something special before I went off and found myself a romance. He wants me back but I told him that I am only looking for a relationship not just a casual fling. We have agreed to give it a try. I don't know how this will pan out but only time will tell.

hypnotised?

Whatever can be done with me?

Tonight I am meant to be meeting Golf (he has promised to look over a financial agreement for me before I make any decision about it).

On Thursday I have a date with Echo, dear sweet echo I fear I might be too wanton for him if he only knew how passionate I can be.

Forest keeps asking me when I will be ready to see him again. I still find him sexy but I am enjoying keeping him dangling this time around. (not that that is the reason I have delayed.....more a case of a lack of energy and petrol).

Plumber I know he wants me ...............he tells me he has growing feelings for me, he calls me his 'sweet one'. But I have not seen him for a couple of weeks, we have only chatted online a couple of times (probably because one or other of us hs fallen asleeep first). But he seems to have forgotten how to use his phone. I am not really bothered except that he has promised me a new shower and I am not one to be pushy I will make do with baths until he has the time.

But even with these men around me I am not happy. Karma is still in the background, he still keeps giving me mixed messages so I don't know if he is just too scared of getting hurt again or he really isn't interested. In all these months I have remained friendly but not pushed him in anyway, but now I have reached a point where I need to know if he is still interested or not. So I text him asking if hes busy next weekend, which he is as hes going away with family. So I text back saying that I just wondered if he had had enough time yet to decide whether he still wanted to see me again or did he need more time, I didn't want him to miss my 'sell by date'. 3.5 hrs later still no reply (first reply was within 20 minutes) so I am guessing I have my answer now.

I also sent an email to Romeo this morning, not that I am expecting anything to come of it but I need closure at least with him. I told him that the logicl side of me realises that its over but a part of me still hopes. I also told him that early on he had said that I shouldn't think hes lost interest when I don't hear from him and until december he always did get in contact just when I was becoming distraught thinking he had gone. I always believed that he would tell me if he didn't want me anymore. I never believed he would just stop contacting me. I don't know the reason that happened. I don't feel distressed at his loss, but I think about him every single day.

Although I have these other men in my life I would rather have a relationship with Karma than any of the others and if Romeo came back into my life I would go to him like a shot (but he would have to do some serious grovelling before I forgave him). I have told him about my new challenge and my problems with testing my blood, I have asked him if he has any wise words or mantras he could offer me. Don't laugh, I have never told you before but he has all the skills of Paul McKenna. (I don't think he ever hypnotised me but he has the ability) but that is only part of his work. I really do miss him every day which probably sounds stupid seeing as I only met him once last July. I know he doesn't deserve me and I deserve better but we don't chose who we fall in love with. If we did I would have chosen someone much more available.

Looking Forward

I have not been feeling like blogging much in the last couple of weeks. I have had things to say but neither the inclination or energy to write anything. I am afraid I have not been reading other blogs much either and those I have read I haven't been commenting much so I apologise for my bad behaviour.

But I thought I would let you all know I am still here, my world is not totally centered around my health.

Tomorrow night I have an excuse to get all dressed up as I am going to a Rotary Dinner (that will be interesting my first meal out since this started).

Sunday evening I am meeting up with Golf.
Thursday evening I am seeing Echo
Both Plumber and Forest are around but nothing has been arranged with either of them although Forest does seem to be very keen to see me again when I am ready.

OJ has now finished his A'levels and thinks he has the whole summer to laze around before he goes off to Uni in early Oct. (His mother has other ideas).

DC is finally selling his car on Saturday!! He is furiously making arrangements for his month long trip to USA (3 of them are driving from west coast to East). Before he goes off to Uni late September.

ET is still trying to build his muscles and get fitter for his big adventure with the RAF (we still don't know when).

JA is just being a typical 13 yr old but has come into his own in the school cricket team (5 wickets and 54 runs not out yesterday). We are trying to prepare ourselves for the mass evacuation leaving the two of us alone together.

Getting cold

I am worried that I am getting cold!

Earlier in the week I turned down an evening with Forest again. We have chatted but I have been very careful not to give the impression that I am keen to see him. I do want to see him but I am not falling over myself to move mountains to get there. 2 years ago I would have done anything just to spend a few minutes with him.

I have been spending a few evenings with Plumber this week. He provided a dinner of cold chicken and salad on monday evening with cheesecake for dessert (not very nice we donated 3/4 of it to ET's get fat campaign). Followed by tv before an early night of passion. Tuesday evening was bbq in his back garden, tv and an early night falling asleep almost straight away. Wednesday I decided to stay at home with my boys but Plumber had other ideas so I had dinner with him, then home for an early night alone. It has become obvious that he likes me a lot. He even phoned me last night because he hadn't seen me online. Apparently I am his number one.

I have not asked him outright about being married but the evidence of the last few days has been confusing to say the least. One minute I am convince he does still live there then there is proof that he doesn't. Anyway what I was going to say is that I am enjoying the attention and he os good for me but I don't miss him when he is not near. I don't get palpations when I think about him. I like him but there is no spark. Last night he waited until he had spoken to me to see if I was going over to his place before he cooked his dinner. I could have gone over but I chose not to. Instead I stayed home and chatted to Forest without any feelings of guilt.

Motorbike rider

'Silver Toyota T reg x'

'Motorbike red'

This was how we were supposed to find each other at our rendevouz. Unbelievably we had never seen each other's vehicles before.

He had text me this morning saying he could drop by at lunchtime. I didn't get a reply when I asked what time. But when I was out helping my mother to buy a new mobile phone (she also treated me to a new strimmer) he text to say that lunch time had come and gone, not much time at weekend so we would have to meet at airport station at either 4.45pm or 8.45am tomorrow.

'It will have to be 4.45 I'm afraid'

So there I was at 4.40pm parked up waiting, he text to say he had got caught on phone but would be there soon.

I settled down to read a bit more of this book while I waited. Before too long a rider on a red motorbike drove passed me then returned but didn't stop just carried on. It must have been at least 5 minutes before my phone rang.

'where are you?'

'in my car'

'but where?'

'where are you? I'm parked at the back of the platform........when you drive into the carpark pass the station and up ahead'

'when I drove in I passed the taxi rank and round the small roundabout'

'I can see the taxis from here.'

'ok I will come find you'

I saw him drive back past the taxis and disappear back into the other part of the car park. I waited a few more minutes then got out of my car to stand leaning against the bonnet as I continued to read my book' I heard his bike but didn't look up from my book until he stopped next to me.

I moved to stand nearer to him, we spoke briefly as he reached inside his jacket pocket, pulled out a case which he opened up to reveal two pairs of glasses. Looking inside I selected the pair with the pink tinged black frames, put them on my face and we said our goodbyes wishing each other a good holiday weekend.

No more emotional mess

Last night I saw Forest



It had been over a year and a half since I last saw him. We have become friends again during the intervening months. But I didn't think I could ever risk seeing him again. I was afraid that seeing him would undo all the healing I had done. I was afraid that seeing him would bring back all the old feelings I had had for him.



About a month ago Forest suggested meeting up again. I thought about it for a day or two but didn't give him a decision right away after all he might have just said it on the spur of the moment. I figured that perhas he was just feeling horny and wanted to get his leg over thinking he could get this with me. He assured me that this was not the case at all. I waited for him to ask me again a few days later before I agreed to meet up. Over the next few weeks he was texting me on and off but we didn't make any plans to actually meet until last week when it was decided that it would be either sunday or Tuesday evening. By last Friday the decision was made that I would go to his house on Tuesday evening.



I had just arrived home on Tuesday when Forest text me that his son had decided to spend the evening with him. We agreed to postpone our evening until Thursday besides I was not in the best of spirits as that was the day I was feeling really down. Wednesday I was getting more texts



hugs



cuddles



kisses



Thursday morning he text to make sure I was still ok to see him that night. I was looking forward to seeing him again but not sure how I would feel when I did. When I arrived and he greeted me with a kiss before making me a nice cup of tea then leading me into the livingroom where we sat chatting and kissing oblivious to what was going on on the tv (The Devil wears Prada).



Like me he has put on weight since I last saw him (not that I made any comment) and his hair is a little greyer than before. Other than that it was as though it had been only weeks not months. I felt very relaxed with him. To my delight although I still like him and think he is sexy I didn't feel emotional at all. I was even wondering why I had been so besotted with him before. I am sure that now we have spent one evening together there will be more but this time the

emotional mess is absent.



Much to my amusement Forest said he was suprised that I am not blonde anymore. I have never been blonde! I had been colouring my hair with various shades of red and brown which had faded leaving my hair lighter than my natual colour. You can judge for yourselves if I look blonde in this picture taken just weeks before we fell out.

What a mess

It has been quite a stressful few days for me. I don't often let life's worries get to me too much but this time it just felt like there is no way I can manage this. Up until now I have believed in my ability to manage but this time the problems felt insurmountable.

First it was the conversation with Plumber. He has had a problem with his vehicle since our canoodling on Friday night. Apparently the evidence that I was highly aroused has been a bit of a problem for him. He declared that he wasn't complaining and I shouldn't worry about it. But although initially I was ok it did start to bother me. That plus the fact that he says I snore softly and my house is not up to his standard (his house is imaculate not a thing out of place). I was beginning to feel depressed.

Add to that receiving my new statement of tax credits for this year. When I applied for my current job I rang the Tax credit office who told me that my increased hours and salary would not affect my Working Tax Credits until April 09, 16 months later I had forgotten that! So now my Credit Award has been reduced. Coinciding with this reduction ET finished his full time Education so I nolonger get Child Tax Credit for him. In addition to these two reductions they have decided that at one point in the past I was over paid so they are now recovering the over payent by reducing my current payments. These three changes mean that I am with immediate effect approximately £350 pm down on my monthly income. Seeing that I was barely managing before I really don't know how I will be able to pay my bills and feed us for the next few months until October when DC and OJ go to Uni.

So is it any wonder that my stress levels were sky high on Tuesday, so much so that I was close to tears for much of the day. I was, as I told my mother 'wallowing' I have to do this occassionally for a couple of days then I pick myself up, dust myself off and get back to normal. Tuesday was not the best day to be wallowing as I had plans to make it a special day (I had been invited to visit someone I have not seen since Aug 07). But first there was my much awaited Drs appointment to discuss such issues as breast reduction options.

My Dr had other ideas. Firstly she advised me that they nolonger provide this service on NHS, it can only be done privately now. She has prescrived me extra strength Ibuprophen for my back pain to allow me to be more active. She is concerned about my recent weight gain even though I have tried to be active and dieting. I am to have blood tests for diabetes. She also wants to work with me on my weight, her concern is not the amount of weight but that it is all in the front (stomach and breasts).

When I had been home a few minutes I got a text apologising but my evening out was cancelled due to unexpected family arriving. (our evening together is now planned for tonight). It was just as well really because although he would have been a tonic for me, I wouldn't have been much company for him. During the early evening I had a conversation with Plumber via IM. I said something about being a lost cause. He then admitted that his feelings for me are growing, I am becoming very special to him. He will do anything he can to help me with anything.

I fell asleep early that night (waking up at midnight thinking I had slept for hours) which I obviously needed. Wednesday saw me almost back to normal. The money worries are still there but I feel better able to cope with things again. At 1pm I got a call from Plumber he was not far from my office so would come to see me at lunch time. We spent an hour sitting in the van he was driving (he does some Agency driving) in Asda car park drinking tea from his flask. So that made a nice change.

In the evening I had a visitor. Harvey had rung me on tuesday wanting my help with something on the computer. I hadn't heard from him for at least 6 months since he moved out of the area. Hes moving back to the area at the weekend. He is back with his ex g/f and wanted me to help him edit his phone bill to remove some calls that she mustn't see. I told him it is a bad idea but he is determined.

Pouting

Is it classed as a date then when Plumber came round this afternoon?

I have had a busy day, 5 yes 5 men turned up on my doorstep at 7.35am. The head man explained what they would be doing then they got down to ripping out the old boiler, the water heater and some of the radiators. I had only just begun to do the sink full of washing u that has been staring at me for days when they turned the water off. Ok I had a sink full of soapy water so that wasn't a problem but when they wanted to run the cold tap into my sink of soapy water I had to give in and let out my soapy water to make room for the horrid cold water.

I brought my laptop downstairs so that I could listen to the radio and start doing some work on my spreadsheets for my project at the office. The electricity was turned off. There was nothing for it but to make my first visit to the amenity tip. I have never seen it so quiet there.

After I returned the electricity came back on, I was waiting for my laptop to sort itself out as it wasn't very happy about its battery running out. I noticed that Golf was online so I did something I very rarely do, I initiated a conversation (actually I often initiate our conversations ~ he feels honoured for some reason). Plumber phoned me while I was chatting to Golf (that became a little confusing for me). Having similar conversations but at different speeds is not the easiest thing to do. Later it was Forest who was chatting (first by text then when I got back online by IM). He wanted to see me tonight but I had to decline as I knew that after just 2 hours sleep last night I was going to be very tired tonight.

Both the water and electricity were turned off at different times forcing me to sit and read for a while. It was at about 2.20pm that the head engineer came to tell me that they were finished and he wanted to explain where everything was and how it works. I know what time it was because it was just at that moment that Plumber phoned me.

Where are you?

At home ........why where are you?

Outside looking at your knickers

Lol Ok I will be right there

He was at the back of the house while I was at the front door saying goodbye to engineers. Plumber had come round to cut back the long grass, nettles and brambles that make up the main part of my back garden. He also had a look at the space I have made for the dishwasher he has got for me. He needs t make a few adjustments before it will fit but he says it won't be a problem. I left him to get started on my garden while I finally got stuck into the washing up and cleaning my kitchen.

But when I looked back outside I was horrified. The brambles were still in tact but he had tackled the nettles and grass but he was chopping down the clematis that was just coming into flower (I have been growing it for 12 years). He then moved over to the other side of the garden and cut down my other clematis, honeysuckle, broom and ballerina rose bush. He was methodically stripping everything out of my garden. I don't think he saw me pouting. Oh well I shall just have to start from scratch again.

I need to get all the greenery that he has cut down chopped into small pieces so that it can be bagged up and taken to the tip. Plumber was here for about 2 hours in all and we managed to get quite a bit done in the garden so I guess that does count as a date sort of so I am going to include it in my tally.

I had to dash off at 4.30 because I had made a Dr's appointment for JA as he has been experiencing pains in his legs. I had figured that he has Osgood Slatters Disease which I was pleased to hear the Dr confirm. As he was examining JA's knees I couldn't help noticing that in recent years this Dr has become a little portly. Watching him with his curly hair reminded me of Elliot Hope in Holby City.

I couldn't find the photo of my clematis in full bloom but here it is covered in snow last April so you will have an idea of the sorry state it was in after the gales had done their worst.

Dangerous suprise

On saturday I had a chat with aunty (first time for months) I didn't really have any pressing issues I just fancied a chat. She wanted to talk about the men in my life. I told her Golf and Plumber's names but she asked for the other one. I told her Karma's name and the name I use for him but she only wanted to use his proper name. She went through each one of them telling me how each of them feel about me, how I feel about them, the respect they have for me and vice versa. How romantic each of them are etc. She told me that not one of them is romantic although each of them can do their bit. All three of them like me enormously and have great respect for me. She said that Plumber is the softest one of them but he doesn't blow my mind. She was right in everything she said but I did tell her I was suprised about what she told me about Karma as I believe he has lost interest. She was having none of it, saying he has not lost interest he has just been preoccupied.



To my suprise on Sunday I got a long text from Karma, on Monday there were more text and when I got home from a night out with Plumber there was an email apologising for being busy. There have been more texts since.



This afternoon out of the blue I got a text from a number not stored on my mobile. It was from the man who had inspired me to write this little fantasy. He was telling me that he was in our place. I replied that I was at work, he let me know that he had been passing and was hoping we could catch up with each other.



Tonight I was suprised when I signed onto msn, immediately I was greeted by a friend I have not chatted to for weeks. Nothing unusual about this as we often go weeks or even months between catching up. But tonight was different, very different, tonight verged on dangerous territory. No I got that wrong it didn't verge on dangerous territory it slammed into it. Within minutes we were discussing whether I wanted to see him. I was frantically avoiding answering all his suggestions and propositions. He knows how to make me melt, he knows I find him incredibly sexy. He knows how to play me, he was doing his best to tempt me. I was doing my best to put him off. He didn't want to be put off. He tells me that his blue eyes are still sexy.



He knows I can't resist his charms. I know I can't resist. I have been dreading this conversation for 18 months. I knew eventually we would have this conversation. I knew all along that I would want to go to him, I would want to feel his touch, gaze into those blue eyes. But I also know that it is dangerous for me. I jokingly accused him of being in need of a leg over wrapping it up in prety ribbons. But he assures me that he is not in need of a leg over but he says I am a very sexy and enjoyable lady.



I have managed to avoid agreeing to anything so far but I don't know how I will fare next time we chat. Now that the conversation has happened I know it will again.

Those men

for those of you who have not been reading my blog for long enough and those who have either forgotten or have become confused here is a quick recap.

A) Harvey ................. very brief fling that lasted 3 days last November. Has since joined the same dating site where I found my Romeo. From time to time we go together to social events organised by the dating site. He also from time to time enlists my help with things like filling in application forms, writing his CV etc. We are just good friends although I am aware that he would never kick me out of bed if I chose to be in his. Knows about Romeo.

B) Neptune ............. started chatting on dating site (same one) last September. Very slow starter but every time I considered giving up he would start chatting again we final met for a drink when I was on my way home from visiting Fire Byrd aka Pixie last December. We continued to chat and text for a while but gradually dwindled out. Every now and then he comes online and chats usually telling me I should go to bed as its getting late.

C)Forest .............. online friend who became lover for a few months last year now friends again. We chat regularly, its good to be mates again. Knows about Romeo, probably still wouldn't kick me out of bed if I chose to go there again.

D)Lotto ................male friend we met once 18 months ago and have flirted ever since. He has been trying to get me to meet him again even though he has a g/f and he knows about Romeo. wouldn't kick me out if bed if I chose to be there.

E) LV ....................Real life, met through work but now friends. He took me to Goodwood festival of Speed, has talked about going out for a meal. I am aware that he likes me, but he knows about Romeo.

F) Someone else .....................Difficult one this, any man I have flirted with in recent months knows about Romeo. (Theres no harm in flirting is there?)

Heart to heart

Some of you will be aware that for the most part of 2008 so far, I have been having an internal struggle. I have been waiting for Romeo to become my reality not just the voice on a phone or words on my screen whether it be my computer or my mobile phone. During all this time I have vowed to be celibate. But during this time Lotto has been trying to tempt me into meeting him for sex. Ever since we first met almost 18 months ago he has made it clear that he really likes me but doesn't want a relationship.



I find Lotto very sexy, his compliments and outright flattery have served me well during the time I have been waiting for Romeo. But the time came when he wanted to meet in a hotel room. The problem is that now that I have found Romeo I don't want to play around with anyone else. Romeo is the only man for me until or unless we break up. But Lotto is so tempting, I have managed to keep away from him but we have had lots of steamy conversations online and by text even phone sex once. But I always feel guilty. when we chat I always go through the will she won't she game. I feel bad for letting Lotto think that I might give in and meet him. I am not purposely leading him on because when we chat I do want to meet him. Its when we are not chatting that reason prevails.



A few weeks ago we were chatting when he got in a strop and said he wasn't going to bother any more. We had not spoken again since. I had been feeling bad about this because I want to explain to him that I wasn't messing him around I genuinely was struggling with meeting him or not. Its as though half of me was saying no, think about Romeo and the other half was saying yes meet him you know you want to. I resisted the temptation to email or text him. Obviously now that I have met Romeo I am even more determined to behave myself. Yesterday I saw Lotto was online, I half expected him to say something but he didn't. Late I left him an offline message just saying



I hope you are ok



I really should have just stayed silent. Tonight he was online again and we ended up chatting. He was telling me how much he fancies me still. Without meaning to I have found myself agreeing to be online tomorrow evening to exchange emails, photos and have phone sex. I didn't tell him about romeo so he still thinks that I have never met him. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I am going to remain loyal to Romeo.



I think I will have to email him to explain.



Last night I was chatting online with Forest who told me that he has sore elbows. I made a joke about him letting her go on top sometimes. This seems to have been a turning point in our friendship. Tonight we chatted again, we talked for the first time about our sexual relationship. I think now that I have Romeo it is possible for me to talk about me and Forest without it hurting. Apparently he has one regret and that is that he never managed to have anal sex with me. But really although it spanned 4 or 5 months we only actually had sex 3 times including my special friday.


i was thinking about you the other week, and in all the good times we had


what was the best for you



and all the exploration of you

and excitement

and give you tlc when you had been a naughty girl that once

ok


considering what an exciting lady you were to be with that would of been just as exciting and pleasurable i am sure

we talked about him calling me exciting as I have never thought of myself in that way.

i would have said I was more excitable than exciting


you are that but you are willing to take as well as give willing to let it happen and make it happen and willing to try that is exciting

we talked some more about the sex we had/hadn't had and the fact that I can now talk about it. We also talked about it being good that we managed to stay friends.

probaly cos we talked so much before hand to loose friendships like that


I missed that friendship after we met, sex got in the way


well time for bed for me take care of you little miss exciting

These were just a few excerpts from our conversation but it was the closest we have come to a real heart to heart for a long time. Before we met I used to tell forest everything he was the person I told all my adventures to he was the one I told of all my frustrations. He lifted me when I was feeling low, he calmed me when I was being excitable, he was my confidante, then we met and it all just fell apart as I got swept away on my emotions for this sexy man. As I said to him during this heart to heart, I don't regret the sex we had, but I do regret that our friendship suffered because of the sex. But now we are back to being friends without the sex and I feel much happier.

Real Life readers

This feels a little strange. It was confirmed to me today that I am being read by someone in my RL. In the past my blog has been read by some of my lovers/potential lovers, this has not bothered me in the slightest. The only one that bothered me was N. He found my blog Battle to find myself after I had finished seeing him. Of course he read my thoughts about not being happy with him, he felt that I had made a fool of him because everyone knew who he was. In fact only one person I talked to (Forest) knew about him and which town/city he lived in (not the same as mine). N even spoke to Forest online one day when he was staying here and I was chatting to Forest he decided to get in on the act and wind poor Forest up (at this time it was still several months before I met Forest). N was the reason I started my second blog Kindred Perverts and took on the persona of Sexy Vixen. N was also the reason I made both blogs private for a while when he was trying to black mail me. What ever did I see in that man?

I did find that it had an effect on my writing when I was seeing Forest knowing that he had been reading my blog since it began. Sometimes I found myself writing things especially for his benefit even though I was never sure whether he had read it or not as he reads on and off rather than regularly. Other times I censored what I wanted to write because I wasn't sure I could be completely honest whilst Forest might be reading it. Then I set up this blog with the idea of dedicating it to Forest for his birthday, it consisted purely of posts that were about him.

Until there came a time when I decided to have a change in direction this coincided with my decision to stop reading a couple of blogs by women who I had been friendly with until the day I accused one of being a bully to one of my other friends. Luka recognised this as being aimed at her and decided to go overboard in her defence of herself. I took this in my stride refusing to be drawn into any arguments but when she decided to rehash the whole thing again I decided it was time to cut the ties with her and one or two of her followers. Its was on this very blog that I had my public bust up with Forest which led to him leaving a few comments for the first time.

Now another RL person is reading my blogs. This person is not a current or former lover. This person is not someone I have ever met in person. We speak fairly regularly and we even exchange emails. I am a little embarrassed that this person has been reading some of the more intimate things I have written. I was somewhat alarmed this evening when I discovered that one of the first things this person read was this post about texting JJ. He has also read this little fantasy that I wrote after a text comment from Forest. If he was someone I didn't know it wouldn't worry me. The fact that we speak in RL doesn't over worry me, but he knows my Boss and some of my colleagues, now that could be interesting. I guess that I am just going to have to trust this person who I think has chosen his own name. (First person to ever do that). How did he tell me what he wants to be known as? I received an email this afternoon (from one LV to another). I took this to be his way of not only telling me that he has read my blog but also that he would prefer to be known as LV.

memory lane and other lanes

I had a trip down memory lane this morning whilst at work I might add.
A phone call from one of our customers, it is standard practice to ask the customer for their postal address so that we can make sure we have the right customer account. I was quite intrigued to see that this customer's postal address indicated that it was not far from the place where I was born. We talked about this place.


We talked about the hospital where I was born, his own children were born in the same hospital. He told me that this hospital is about to be torn down and replaced with houses.
We then went on to discuss the town where our customer is based. It is the same town where I spent many many hours during my childhood, both my mother and her brother went to school in this town. My late uncle, who was killed in a road accident in Texas where he had lived for a number of years, just a week before his step daughter gave birth to her first child. Attended this school.

I have grown up knowing that another 'old boy' of this Grammar School was this man. I remember many walks through the park ending at the paddling pool in the summers. Or walking my grandparents beloved labrador retriever cross Candy through the wooded areas of the common. I went on to mention the village where my grandparents lived. To my utter surprise this man told me he is going there this evening to visit a friend who has one of the farms. I described the location of the house where I spent many happy times, he knew exactly where I meant. It was a lovely trip down memory lane and I feel also forged a closer link with this particular customer ....... 'good customer relations' I believe this is called.

It was a good day at work, but then for me most days are good. I don't allow myself to get stressed in anyway, I am getting much better at what I do and even managing to solve problems without having to keep asking for help. The good weather helps to improve the mood all around.

Last night I was feeling very low, emotionally drained. As I mentioned yesterday I chatted to Thomas but didn't feel much cheered. However he was waiting for me online this morning as prepared for work. We chatted again and my spirits were much better. It occurred to me that since last summer the two of us have chatted from time to time, generally for a couple of days then nothing for weeks. He seems to be there on days when I am in need of cheering up, this he has done and I doubt I shall hear from him again for some time. Out of all the men I met during the year I was playing the field Thomas was one of those who has made the biggest impression on me along with Swinger and Mr Passionate. Forest and Oxo also made huge impressions on me but those three are the ones I was closest to. I should include SL as he took me on a journey I wouldn't have taken on my own, but he cut me off in a way I may be able to forgive but not forget. After all who likes to be replaced by a younger model and only finding out when someone else tells you. Anyway finding Thomas online waiting for me at 6am was just the tonic this girl needed. Oh and the much awaited text that came at 8.19am that put a smile on my face.

tears of laughter

What was the last thing you cried about? Laughed about? Got angry about?

I just pinched this from Mel

it has got me thinking about the answers.

The last time I cried was about the lack of money to keep my home warm and food in the kitchen to feed my kids. what makes me cry the most about this is that my son earns almost as much as I do but can never afford to pay me for his keep or keep up with his own debts. I have promised myself that the next time he comes home with a new tattoo or new clothes and declares he has no money then I shall pack his bags for him. Apart from the money issues we get on really well and I love him to bits and I know he loves me too. He is just so irresponsible when it comes to money. I think he has had me in tears more than anyone else in the past year. I don't expect my son to help me to pay all the household bills but I would like him to pay something towards the food he eats and the electricity he uses, a bit towards the council tax would be good too. He asked me last night if he could get a new contract phone and pay it through my bank account as his doesn't have the facility for direct debits or standing orders. I told him no, not until he has proved he can be trusted to make the payments and starts to pay his keep regularly. I made it quite clear that I wouldn't be in the financial state I am in if he paid his way. I have mentioned a few times in he last week hat I might get a part time job to top up my salary even if it is only for a few months. Even the thought that I might have to do this doesn't seem to bother him. He has just assumed that that is what mothers do. He hasn't offered to do anything to help around the house either.

The last time I laughed now this is harder to answer because I had not really thought about it. I laugh a lot, so it is not something special to be laughing. I laugh as I read blogs, I laugh at the things my kids do and say, I laugh at work, I laugh when I chat with Romeo. I am just a basiclly happy person. Even in the middle of a crisis I will find something to laugh about. It's just the way I am, I believe my ability to laugh at anything helped me to get through my cancer and also my divorce. Perhaps it is because I have never had things easy that I find it easy to laugh. If I didn't laugh I would be crying and I don't do crying. It takes a lot to make me cry but very little to make me laugh.

The last time I got angry I don't remember the last time I was really angry unless it was last summer when I was badly hurt. I had been telling this man all along that I didn't want to be a sex object, that I wanted our relationship to be more than sex. 5 months it took him to admit that that was all he wanted from me. The more he said the more it hurt the angrier I got that someone I adored could be so blatant about using me the way he did. The more he said to excuse himself the cheaper he made me feel, the dirtier I felt, he made me feel worse than SF had done which was some going. But incredibly we are still friends although we will never meet again, I couldn't put myself through the emotions that would bring.

Other than that I have been cross a number of times but not really angry. Something that did make me cross on Friday was my colleague. He uses all kinds of tricks to avoid answering the phone everyone knows this but he seems oblivious that we all notice. But on Friday the phone rang and as I was in the middle of something I let it ring so he picked it up. I could hear him saying hello, hello. I could clearly hear the woman at the other end also saying hello can you hear me? after a while she said 'I am putting the phone down and try again.' I did say that I had been able to hear her as clear as day. The phone rings again but he makes no attempt to answer it so I did. The same woman asks if I can hear her as the person who answered just now couldn't. Yes I could hear her very well no problem at all just as I knew there wouldn't be a problem. After I had taken her order and put the phone down my colleague tried to excuse himself by saying that when he had answered her the line was bad and kept breaking up as though there was another call coming through. I could not believe his audacity. It is a good thing he is leaving on Friday as I would have had to say something about this behaviour. I have been turning a blind eye to his tricks from the day I started this job, but since he handed in his notice he has got s much worse.

baaaaaadddd

I was such a bad girl on thursday

I was feeling a bit down with my cold, I was feeling pissed off with men. Forest began chatting to me online and I decided to ask him something which I really shouldn't have asked or at least I shouldn't have asked him. It was very unfair of me to put him in this situation but he was cool about it.
I said to him that although he had told me I don't have mug written across my forehead when we had our big row months ago, men seem to think I can be treated like trash why.
he was very good talking to me about it. I won't copy the conversation. He feels that I give off a sense of being someone who loves sex even when I am avoiding the subject.

Bye the way I'm chatting to Hector and he recommends that when a woman is giving a bj have some toothpaste in your mouth. I was just trying to figure out how we got to that subject, but niw I remember that I was saying my battery has run out (meaning my phone) he thought I meant my rabbit. then I mentioned that I prefer my toothbrush as recommended by the lovely cake.

On sat night I shall be going out partying with the folks from work. We are having our christmas 'Do'. first we are going out for a meal then on to a club. I wont be driving for a change so I can have a few drinks.
going to be giving my red high heeled shoes an airing. have bought a new soft brown skirt and a red top for the occasion. also bought myself a set of false nails. I have never ever ever used them before.

Crushing Oxo

I am really sorry that I felt I had no choice but to tell Oxo that I won't see him again. This wasn't the first time. I told him in May that I wasn't going to see him any more as I just wanted to see one man. It wasn't that, that man had asked me not to see anyone else, if anything he encouraged me to still see others but I just didn't want to. Oxo was very good about it at the time saying that he hoped the man I liked would treat me well.

One night I was bored and sent a joke by text to various men that I know. Some replied others didn't, that didn't matter. But Oxo replied, he obviously thought I had sent the joke to him alone. we got chatting and he asked to see me again. I can't remember now if I saw him that night or if it was soon after. I hadn't seen the man I liked for a few weeks so I went to see Oxo. That was the first time I stayed at his place but I rushed home first thing in the morning in the hope of getting back before the boys woke.

We chatted a few days later and agreed that we would go back to seeing each other from time to time. Unless either of us got serious with anyone. It was agreed that either of us could call the other and ask for sex, we came up with a code word which meant that if we both said yes I would arrive at his place 1.5 hrs later and stay over. Over the next few months Oxo used the code word quite a few times but I often turned him down for various reasons. I like him but was still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him again. But I did spend several saturday nights and once, a week night at his place. those sunday mornings chatting and drinking mug after mug of hot tea were very cosy. He was more than willing for me to stay at his place mid week, going straight to work from there the next morning but I only did that once.

since I made the declaration that I wanted to be a one man woman I have struggled with the idea of still seeing Oxo. Part of me wanted to continue but a bigger part was saying no that would go against my decision. whenever Oxo asked me over in the last few weeks I was making excuses not to go. when we had first come up with the code word idea we both agreed that there would be no pressure. If one of us didnt want to meet up for an reason then that was cool. But in reality, everytime I said no he tried to persuade me. so when it came to telling him that there would be no more I just kept putting it off. But now that meeting Neptune is becoming imminent and I really want to give that a chance if there is one. I felt I had no choice but to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. He asked if it was because I want a long term relationship, he has knwn since the beginning that that was my ultimate aim. Months ago he told me that he only wants nsa for now but that it could develope into a relationship later on as he thinks I am perfect apart from the small matter of my sons. But even if he had wanted a relationship, I know that he isn't the man for me.

So last night I told him. I was worried that his silence was a bad sign. But when I said I hoped we would still be friends he said ..........ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart.
I found that really hard. I don't want him waiting around for me.

I don't know if Neptune and I will even like each other when we meet. Maybe we won't in which case I shall be right back where I started, but I don't think I will be calling Oxo, although it is a comforting idea to know that I could go running back to him if this doesn't work.