two very different days I don't want to repeat

All week I have had trouble sleeping with this rotten cough. Each morning I have woken feeling dreadful.

Thursday I knew from the outset was going to be a hard day workwise. It isn't helped by the fact that I have become used to having my early mornings to myself, being up and out before any other member of the family. Every 4 or 5 weeks DC is working the early shift 8am until 4pm, but he still doesn't need to be up and about as early as me as he works closer to home. As from last week JA was back at school which means I must make sure he is up and out of bed before I leave the house. Then at the start of this week ET started college, for the first couple of days he had to catch the 9am train so that wasn't so bad but Thursday and Friday it was the 8am train. Wednesday OJ went back to college, catching the same trains as ET. This has been DC's week to work early. So the last few days have seen all 5 of us getting in each other's way as we get ready for the day ahead. aaaaagggrrrrrrr.

Thursday morning I was sorting myself out when ET got to the shower before me, drat that is going to put me behind schedule. Plus I need to go to the garage on the way to work to get some money. SF was meant to call round on wednesday evening (he even rang to tell me he was bringing me not only the money he had borrowed but the £100 he pays me each month) he didn't turn up. Whilst I was waiting for ET to finish in the shower I heard the travel news a lorry had over turned on the motorway diversions were in place. I text PB in case she hadn't heard it. By the time I had showered and dressed I was later leaving than I had wanted considering the possible traffic problem. At the garage there was only one person serving and a couple of customers taking for ever. Finally setting off I could see as I came down the hill towards the motorway that already the traffic was slowing down even though the overturned lorry was at the far end of the motorway just where it becomes an A road.

I wasn't going to sit in that! I diverted myself to go up over the hill but there was more traffic than normal for that time in the morning going that way. Obviously others had the same idea. As the road crossed the motorway I could see below me 4 lanes of stationary red lights. As the hill road climbed higher I joined the back of the traffic crawling along at 20mph but at least we were moving unlike the traffic below. Because it was still early and the weather dull I could see lines of headlights trying unsucessfully to escape the city, while similar lines of red lights sat waiting to circumnavigate the same city. Turning on my radio I heard that the overturned lorry contained gas canisters, an exclusion zone of 200m was being implemented. Nothing was moving in either direction down there.Meanwhile the traffic on the hill had become stop start as other vehicles tried to join us from the various lanes that criss cross my favourite road. Eventually I arrived at work after an hour (a journey that would normally take me 20 minutes). Every road in the area had become gridlocked. Boss Lady is usually in the office by 7.30 didn't arrive until after 8.30. It didn't matter which direction you came from you had to get caught in the problems.

By the time I arrived at work I was feeling quite poorly, at first I thought I was out of breath but soon realised that even with my cold my breathing was fine but my heart was beating 20 to the dozen. It took me a good half an hour to feel calm, I know this had nothing to do with the chaos on the roads, I was not stressed out about that. I was also in a lot of abdominal pain which I worked out to be trapped wind probably as a result of all the coughing I had been doing over the recent days and nights. A couple of pain killers soon eased that problem.

The office has been strained this week, with NL seemingly oblivious to the unacceptable amount of problems his incompetence has been causing. It has been noted that for one reason or another from the middle of August until the middle of October there is not one day when every member of the sales team are in the office. However it is becoming increasingly evident that NL is more of a hinderance than a help. We cannot carry on this way, something has to change. I have over the last couple of months been alarmed to discover that where I had believed myself to be very patient and enjoy teaching people on a one to one basis, I can in fact be very impatient with this young man. (as a person he is a perfectly nice young man). I try to be friendly towards him, but I CANNOT WORK WITH HIM. If it had been anyone else I could have taken some time off to get myself well again even if it was just a case of leaving a little early, but he cannot be left unsupervised. I dread to think what has occurred today while there was just him and BG(part time) and the boss. NL cannot even be trusted to take a message, it seems to be asking the impossible for him to obtain the name and company plus phone number. (there sure are a lot of "chaps" in his world).

Anyway I finally got home from work and collapsed in a heap on my bed feeling as though I had been fed through a wringer. While I dozed JA took it upon himself to feed all four boys. OJ was very impressed, as of course was I when I heard. SO Thursday was a day I don't want to repeat again in a hurry.

Today Friday was another day I don't want to repeat too soon but for very different reasons. I had sat up chatting to my mentor until gone midnight before being industriuos on my laptop, finally managing to fall asleep around 2am only to wake up at 5am Again!!! (thats every day this week). I was awake when the boys were getting ready for school/college, but too tired to get up. I dozed off again not needing to be at my mum's until later. I arrived at my mum's house in glorious warm sunshine. Managing to squeeze my car onto her drive I left the windows open about 5" to stop my car getting too hot in case DC used my car to transport people to the crematorium (I was going in the Limo).

I had plated up the food for later and was enjoying a cup of tea when my brother D his wife S and R (who I will tell you about another time, it is very complicated)all arrived. As we sat chatting the clouds burst open just then DC and JA arrived running from DC's car, they were soaked. Everyone kept telling me that my car windows were open, tossing my keys to DC he turned and ran back out to close my windows for me. Poor lad when he came back in he was soaked to the skin. My mum tried to dry him off with her hair dryer but that wasn't working so I suggested we iron his shirt, that worked lol. Its a good thing we still had plenty of time. As per usual T and his wife J (Tom and Jerry as D calls them) arrived not long before we the car was due to arrive.

My Grandpa didn't follow any faith so this was not a religious funeral, we started off with some Greek music as he had always loved Greece this was followed by my mum telling the story of her dad's life. Next some quiet reflection time as we listened to some bird song to celebrate his love of the New Forest. Next the part I had been dreading, I stood in front of these people (most of them my family) and read out the memories I had written down from the times my brothers and I had spent with Grandpa as children. I have always had problems with speaking to a group of people, one or two I can manage but more than that I feel my face turning red and my eyes water. But I was prepared to give this a try in the knowledge that if it became too difficult the Funeral Director would take over for me. However I managed to keep reading to the end and apparently read it well and clearly so that even in the back row I was heard. I was complimented even on the way it was written. My memories were followed by the reading of "Death is nothing at all" by canon Henry Scott-Holland. We finished off with a rendition of "The Essex boy" Brass Band music that he loved (especially appropriate for a man born and bred in Essex).

At the end of it all I can say that it was a lovely funeral and the lady from the Nursing home who came along left saying that she wants hers to be like that. But I shall repeat that that this day s not one that I want to do again just yet.

Of the dozen funerals I have now attended this was the second that was more a family celebration of a life than a religious ceremony. Do you all know what kind of funeral you want? Will it be a burial, cremation, a green funeral, will your passing be mourned or your life celebrated? .

Tears and Flowers

This morning along with my mother we travelled down through the New Forest to visit the little village church where my Granny was buried in October 1983. I was just 21 when she died, I was very close to my Granny, they had been due to visit us for a few days but she died of a massive heart attack during the night just a week before their proposed visit. The first thing I wanted to do when I heard the news, was to phone my Granny and tell her about this awful thing that had happened. Of course I couldn't ring her to tell her of my loss because she was the one I had lost.

I had inherited my love of writing from both my Granny and my mum. My Granny had a number of short stories published when I was a child, apparently she had a small income from her writing. In my late teens I had begun to dabble with a little creative writing of my own, just for my own amusement. But when she died so did my desire to write, I wanted to continue but somehow the flame had gone out. I didn't start writing again until January 2007, which was when I first began allowing others to read my work. I have made a decision to go back to writing classes and continue writing.

Today we visited her grave, we had meant to do so when we drove back from Bournemouth on Bank Holiday Monday, but didn't as we hadn't brought any flowers with us. My grandpa had done his best to tend her grave until he had to give up driving aged 90. Mother and I visited the grave when we could sometimes together but mostly alone. I think the last time I went was on the day of G's cremation 3 or was it 4 years ago. We left some potted flowers and I tidied up the headstone as best I could.

On the way we had talked about the funeral this coming Friday. It won't be a religious affair as unlike my Granny, my Grandpa didn't believe. So it will be a few pieces of music with a few words from mum about her dad's life then the hard part, I shall be reading out some of my memories of this man I am proud to be related to. My brothers will also do the same.

One piece of music my mum would like to play at the funeral but won't because listening to it has her in floods of tears is this one by one of her most favourite artists.

Neil Diamond ~ Hello Again

At the moment I am not feeling too great as I came down with a head cold on Friday, obviously my guard was down and the stinky rotten germs managed to get in under my defences. Maybe thats just my way of allowing the tears to escape. Considering that I am such an emotional person I find it very difficult to release any emotion in these times of sorrow, I don't cry or get angry, I was the same when my dad died prematurely aged 55. I was the same when I had Cancer. But when I have a head cold the tears stream down my face as though from a tap with a dodgy washer that just won't quite shut off. I guess its just another example of my upbringing, the British Stiff Upper Lip thing. Having to be strong, not collapsing in a heap in times of sorrow. My head tells me that I should allow myself to grieve but nothing comes. Maybe I have built a wall around my heart that keeps me going, yet I can read or watch something sentimental and I'm a sopping heap of tears why is that?

I believe love blooms here

A funeral and then a wedding within 48 hours



My Grandpa (thats the name we used) or Grandpa Bill as he wanted us to call him Bill once we became adults but we just couldn't drop the Grandpa bit. He will be cremated on Friday at 3.15, it will only be a small gathering, my mum and me of course, both my brothers and their wives. My Grandpa's late partner G (they never married although they were together for 21 years until she was claimed by Cancer) younger son. My Brother D will be giving him a lift as although in his time he was a professional driver, even chauffeur to the stars (often Alan Titchmarsh) R is now almost completely blind in his early 60s. Possibly Rose (Grandpa had a soft spot for G's hairdresser) she became a close friend of his in the last few years,with her husband.



SF has expressed a wish to be there if I allow him, I have agreed on the proviso that he doesn't drink. My eldest son DC automatically made arrangements to have time off work, no question of not being there. JA my baby has also said he would like to attend. I will have to tell the school to let him out early. There may also be one or two people from the Nursing home, but there won't be anyone else, he has out lived his friends and older family. There is still a cousin who is in his 90s still living in East Anglia, they have not seen each other for many many years.



My mum was meant to be going away for a few days on Thursday, she and her friend Vee were going to Norfolk from Thursday until Sunday morning. Vee's husband M was due to pick me up (not literally but by car) sunday morning so that we could join them at a hotel not far from Norwich. Because at 3.30pm on sunday our mutual friend 'garden fairy' is getting married. We would stay the night in the hotel and make our way home again on monday. I booked the day off from work way back in March. Now that Grandpa has died and his funeral is on Friday mum and Vee have cancelled their short break. Garden fairy has said she would understand if we didn't want to go to the wedding. But we have both said we will be there with bells on. After all didn't I just spend my week's leave searching ebay for suitable clothing to wear for this special occassion.



The reason I call the bride 'garden fairy' is that when I was very ill back in 2001, I was not strong enough to work on my garden. GF would arrive at random times over the weekends and some evenings to tend my garden for me. She worked full time in a senior management post, has suffered for years with back problems, but she wanted to do this for me. She never told us she was there, she never wanted anything for her work. It would only be when someone saw her through the window or went to the door and found her crouched over my flowerbeds that we knew she was there. A few years ago GF and her elderly mother moved back to Norfolk where she had grown up. Not long after she moved she met a lovely semi retired man who has been a breath of fresh air in her life. I have met the groom a couple of times in the last couple of years and know that these two people are so well suited that it shows that even middle aged women can have their fairytales come true. They give me hope and inspire me, with belief that life can be good, you don't have to be young to be happy.



So on sunday we will be setting off early to attend Garden Fairy's wedding. She is such a lovely lady she deserves this happiness. Joking the other day I said to my mum that we have the wedding and the funeral all we need now is a baby. That was when she said, 'did you see the email from AD'? It seems that the one life for another cycle is repeating itself. A few years ago my mum's only brother died suddenly in a road accident in Texas where he had lived for many years. His adopted daughter from his second marriage gave birth to her first child 2 weeks later. Since then she has had 2 more sons, her latest email was to announce that she is expecting her 4th child in a few months. So now we have all three.