Buses and 5 could be 2

Buses seem to be a theme for today.



Earlier I was checking out the photos from DJ & Chopper's book launch. To see them go here. Now I am quite good at convincing myself that I am overweight yes theres no getting away from that but I am not too overweight. Then now and again I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflected back from a window. I don't like what I see so I move passed quickly, back into my fantasy land where I am just large but not massive. But then there are these cruel people in life who just have to take pictures. Thats fine but sometimes these pictures have me in them. Not much else as that would mean using an extra wide lens.



So what has this got to do with the book launch or with buses, anyone who has read dj's blog this week or her comments on here will know that she has been saying how beautiful I am.......can you see the glow from my red cheeks already? Not only has dj been saying this but casdok has joined forces with her saying I am gorgeous and have an aura about me.......... more girls more, I am even beginning to believe it.



But then I saw the photos of all the lovely people at the launch, dj you and casdok are both gorgeous (there are not enough photos of the beautiful casdok). But then I saw the ones that include this massive blob of lace and velvet. All I could see was the back end of a bus. Now I know you were drinking on monday but you must have been slaughtered to see beauty in this big old crate. I might be able to run away from mirrors and windows but photos are more permanent reminders.



Anyway this morning the flow of text messages between myself and The Man which began yesterday has continued until, that is I stopped to look at the photos mentioned above. This is when I did something naughty...........



Just looking at pics from monday. My friends keep saying how beautiful I am but all I see is back end of a bus! You might want to have second thoughts about meeting! x



Silence ......................obviously I am good at cutting off my nose to spite my face. My reasoning behind what I did was that I have very carefully avoided mentioning my weight problem to him. I had intended to pretend my weight doesn't bother me (yes I know you all know that it does). I figured that he would think I was being a typical woman exaggerating, then if when we do meet he doesn't like what he sees I can say that I had warned him.



2 hours later!! he replied



LiR...! whats that got to do with anything.? Yeah like I' a pin up as well...! Your friends see the beautiful person both inside & out & in those I would trust. We will only eet when 'we' are ready. I for one am looking forward to meeting you LiR. xx



So that has got that one out of the way :-)



I have also been exchanging a few brief emails with dj regarding firstly her new announcement which if you want to know what that was go visit her here. But also the worries of a parent whose 17 yr old son suddenly announces a wish to join up and the resulting fears of him going into conflict. It seems I made them laugh by saying that my brother (who I was very close to at the time) was merely 19 when he was sent to the Faulklands war. He now faces conflict everyday in his role as a Bournemouth Bus driver!!



My personal feeling is that yes I worry about my child being hurt or worse killed, but the reality is that in the battles faced these days the chances of being killed in action are far less than in earlier conflicts. It is tragic that too many of our young men and women are killed in action but the numbers are still less than are killed daily on our roads and other accidents. If anything I would be happier knowing that he had a career mapped out for him with all the benefits that come with being in the Forces especially in these days where jobs are few and far between, than for him to be wandering aimlessly through life not knowing what he wants.


So after more conversations about it all last night, unless they won't have him, later in the year our little family unit could be cut from 5 to just 2 as the three older boys go off into the world within a short space of time.

Men and books

It has mostly been a good day for me.

After a manic few weeks work has finally slowed down giving us a little breathing space although there is still plenty to keep us busy. Not that the lemon chewer can see that. She now thinks that there is not enough work for all three of us and she will be out of a job in 2 weeks. she doesn't understand that the work we have been doing for the 4 months since she joined us is in reality only the tip of the iceberg for us. There is so much more to our work that we just have not had time to do in recent months. I, for one, am looking forward to getting a chance to get down to the real work.

Anyway, I digress, as it was more my intention to describe my morning, or to be more precise, the activity of my mobile phone. First there was the joke which arrived at 10.07am . Then there was the observation of the weather together with a comment about being on a train twiddling thumbs. It was 10.16am by then, this time as it was quiet I replied. Possibly a mistake as that was the start, 5 more text messages before 11am. Including a comment about it being time for a coffee, to which I replied that mine is tea, white no sugar (predictable I know). I then sent him a picture of my mug on my desk. He liked the red lipstick print on the white enamel. After this exchange it all went quiet for an hour, I am guessing that was when he was making his way to his destination (Earls Court).

The afternoon was quiet, but when I arrived home I found that I had received a photo (bottle of red wine and glass) two hours earlier and I hadn't noticed. Then at 8.30pm the text started again until 10pm when he said goodnight. to which I said .................goodnite x. Much to my suprise at 10.33pm I got ..............

thank you for my 'x' LiR. xx

Hmmm I wonder how much longer this will continue, will he eventually ask me out or is he waiting for me to ask him out right.

I have not been feeling very well this evening, my throat is sore again and I feel generally unwell, but I was cheered up by a phone call from my mum. She wanted to tell me that she has been reading DJ's book and although she finds the story of DJ's life fascinating it is the way it is writen that had my mum excited. I have never heard her this excited about reading a book (she is always reading 3 or 4 books at any one time.) DJ my mum says your book is beautifully written. There are many authors ie Wilbur Smith whose books are written so well that you feel as though you were there, but she has never written anything so beautifully written as this book. For those of you who don't know the book I am talking about is ................. From Zaftig to Aspie. I am looking forward to reading it myself once mother has finished with it. In the mean time I have Chopper's book to read.

A grand night out

On Sunday I did a practice run in the daylight to find the venue for tonight's celebrations. It was only because I had to stop at the traffic lights that I found it as I was stopped right by the door.



Tonight I left home only a few minutes later than I had intended (I had to read all 7 of the emails from The Man). When I tried to turn out of our road I was confronted by a disturbing sight, a drunken young man stood in the road. The cars in all directions stopped, lights shining on this swaying statue for a few seconds that feel more like minutes. He raises his hand then staggers across the road in my direction. He walks in front of my car towards my passenger door, for a heart stopping moment I fear that he is going to try to open my door, I consider pressing the button that locks the doors, but instead I lurch my car forward and drive away as quickly as I can.



By the time I arrive at my mum's place to drag her out for the evening I have calmed down. It doesn't take long to arrive at our destination but after driving up and down several side roads without finding a place to park. I find myself at the traffic lights again so mother gets out whilst I continue my search for a space. Now I am on my own it doesn't matter if i have further to walk. But I found a space outside a pizza parlour not too far from the Bistro which was lucky. So off I go clip clopping along the uneven pavement. Pushing open the green door expecting to find the group of excited bloggers and a bemused mother, I am suprised to see just a few groups of people chatting quietly, no sign of the hosts or more worryingly my mother!



At the far end of the room I notice a girl in black heading down a short flight of stairs with a sign pointing the way to the wine bar. Quickly I make my way down the stairs. Is this some kind of joke, am I perhaps the guest at a suprise party, it is like The Marie Celeste down here in the room scattered with tables and chairs but no people. Even the girl in black has vanished. I did what I assume most people would do and returned to the bar above to ask if I was at the right place. It is the right place and I am shown the way back downstairs through the door at the end to the stairs leading to the conservatory outside.



Here I find a room buzzing with excitement. Mother waves to me from the far end of the room. Making my way towards her I met a very excited and lovely DJ Kirkby. Eat your hearts out people, I was priviledged to have met the reclusive DJ and even though she had warned us all that she is not tactile and doesn't like to be touched. DJ hugged me!.

DJ is as lovely as I knew she would be with a gorgeous smile. Chopper is just as I remember from those windswept days of another life except he now has his goatee. For two shy people both did a grand job of reading for us. DJ's talk about Autism was very interesting and not in a text book kind of way but real.

I also got to meet the lovely Casdoc who wrote the Shrek Rap which was performed for us by the talented Daren Callow. If you don't know what the Shrek Rap is you need to visit either DJ or Casdoc' blogs or even both. Casdoc and DJ have sons who are Autistic. Tonight's event apart from launching the books that DJ and Chopper have just had published, was to raise money for Portsmouth Autism Support Network.

Anyway I now have my signed copy of Chopper's book and my mum has a signed copy of DJ's book, we will swap once we have read them. Oh and I nearly forgot to mention that I also met Troy who has recently begun to read my blog, I know Trixie wil be jealous.

But then it was back to reality, wandering around a shop in my finery looking for the ingredients that are needed for tomorrow's food tech lesson. On arriving home I discovered the bathroom floor was flooded and the toilet blocked. Armed with an 18" rubber gauntlet it took me just a few seconds to dislodge the offending blockage before mopping up the floor with old towels.

Writing up tonight's events was interrupted by a trip across town at 12.20am yeee gods the temperature had dropped in the hour or so since I had got home. What was I doing going out at that time you are thinking. I had booked DC's car for its MOT early Tuesday, his car needed to be dropped off so I was giving him a lift home. BTW he has had a letter offering him 'An unconditional place' on the University course he had applied for.

Am I wicked?

Over the weekend I sent an email to The Man telling him I would have to stop chatting to him as I had found my perfect man then showed him the profile that I showed you in my previous post. with just the comment ........................as if!! after it. ( his response today was to call me a malteser and say its a good thing he read right to the end of the email).

Today the following text exchange occurred.



I've just remembered your off out 2nite. Have a good one. Going anywhere nice? xx

Couple of friends celebrating having their first books published. Rosie's Bistro . I intend to dress up as its ages since I've been anywhere. Don't care if my red velvet skirt with split and black lace top is over the top!

You've painted a lovely picture in my mind. Thank you LiR.......wish you were on my arm ...! xx

Awww thank you x x

Your very welcome LiR have a lovley evening & tell me all about it later. xx


Do you think there might be some progress here? It does seem that although I am letting him do most of the work it doesn't hurt to nudge the rudder in the right direction now and again.

Honestly

The lovely DJ Kirkby has awarded me this honesty award. Perhaps she is under the illuion that I am honest.

Below are the guidelines when winning the Honest Scrap award:

1. List 10 honest things about yourself (try to make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!)

2. Pass the award on to 10 bloggers

1. I had said that I would go to a football match this morning but when I got the text saying 'stay under your duvet the match is off' I have done just that.....stayed under my duvet. (it is -5 this morning!!)

2. When my boys were young I was treasurer of their playgroup, I am not very good with money but I enjoyed the challenge. I also enjoyed the power of calculating what the staff pay rises should be as well as the fees we charged the parents even if this power also scared the heck out of me.

3. When I was 19 I worked for an Insurance Company in London. We underwrote a policy for something called an 'Intelligent Pig' I believe it was a heavy Machinery but it was the inspiration for my first attempt at writing a children's story of the same name.

4. Sometimes I am to honest, my honesty can get me into trouble, I can be tactless at times in my honesty.

5. I have always been extremely shy. As a teenager I was always the shyest in my group of friends but strangely I was often the bravest too. If the rest of them were too scared to do something or go somewhere I would do it. Perhaps I have always been unbalanced.

6. I am even now very sceptical about the psychic world including tarot and horoscopes yet I find myself turning to these things in times of stress. I do though believe in fate and find myself noticing 'signs' more and more as I get older. Particularly in the medium of songs, especially songs that I have always liked but never really noticed the meaning behind the words until I hear it out of the blue at a time when those words mean something to me.

7. I love to write but I am often too lazy. I tend to write short stories because I need to write the whole piece in one sitting. If I have to go back to something the next day I rarely do. I have a folder full of projects I have started but don't have the drive to complete. Perhaps there will come a time when I have no distractions when I can sit down and complete some of them.

8. I love my boys to bits but I am not a very good mother. I have never had any control over my boys even when they were little they could run rings around me, but I do think I have managed to instil good values in them so that they are turning out to be good young men.

9. I intend to go to the gym today because although I have not weighed myself for months I know I have put on weight even though I have tried to eat properly. It is getting harder and harder to find clothes in my wardrobe that fit comfortably and I refuse to buy bigger sizes. I am still a couple of stone and 2 sizes smaller than I was before my divorce but even so 3 years ago I was a couple of stone and 2 sizes smaller than I am now.

10. All my life I have been a avid reader of books but since I began blogging I hardly ever pick up a book, I have 3 on the go at the moment, I have been reading them for months, in the past I would have read them in a couple of days.

Now I have to choose 10 bloggers to bestow this award on. Mei Del, Andrea Whatever, Rae, Cheekydani, Ronjazz, Having my Cake, Fat controller, Elaine, Nitebyrd and finally Wild Cat

Granny's tree

Ok so here it is my experiment.

Dj has challenged me to write a children's story...........not the kind of thing I normally write. so here goes I got the idea few days ago and have been mulling it over not quite sure how to do it so this morning I just thought 'sod it girl just start writing and see what happens.'

so here it is .............not very long and probably rubbish and could be improved and extended.

But hey who said it has to be perfect.


Granny's Tree

Katie and Harry are putting on their coats and scarves.It is the half term holidays and they are staying with granny in the country for a few days while mummy has to work.

Granny lives alone now with just Jasper the old yellow dog with his shaggy hair and Tiggs her old grey striped cat. His name is really Tiger but everyone calls him Tiggs for short. He spends most of his day on the window seat catching the sun.

Come on Katie hurry up

Harry calls to his big sister as he runs out of the backdoor.

I’m coming wait for me I just need to finish getting my wellies on.

Granny has told the children to be careful as the paddock is still muddy after the rain last week. Granny will watch the children from the kitchen while she is busy cooking their dinner and baking fresh scones for a special treat to have later. This morning they all got in a mess when Harry wanted to help with the chocolate fairy cakes.

Harry put on your pinnie if you want to help Katie stir the mix.

Granny can I lick the bowl can I can I

He had pleaded. When Katie was carefully spooning the mix into the little paper cases on the tray.

Now Katie pushes the door open and races out to join her brother, Katie loves her little brother even though he is only seven and still acts like a baby sometimes. Next week Katie will be nine then she will be even more grown up than she is now.

Harry must be hiding as Katie can’t see him anywhere. She sits down on the bench in the middle of the field.

I don’t care where you are I am just going to sit here and wait for you

She shouts.

The sun is shining but it is still cold and the leaves are falling from the trees. Katie watches them for a while. Harry comes out of hiding to kick the leaves around where they have fallen in piles under the trees at the edge of the field. Then Katie notices that the big tree on its own, granny says it’s an oak tree has still got most of its leaves.

She wanders over to the big tree. There are a few leaves on the ground some brown others still a bit yellowy but there are other things too. Granny told the children when they were little that fairies live in this tree and they use the acorn cups to drink from. But that was just a story for little kids wasn’t it.

Katie

Katie

Katie looks up into the branches thinking Harry must have climbed up there while she wasn’t looking. But he isn’t there she can see him over at the fence now talking to the old brown horse in Mr Cartwright’s field. Nelson must be getting old now, he’s even older than Katie is.

Katie

Katie

There it is again, that whisper almost as if the tree was whispering her name, but trees can’t talk.

Who are you and what do you want

Katie is trying to be braver than she feels now, she thinks of calling Harry over here or maybe she should run to him.

Katie it is me, I won’t hurt you, I have been watching you. You are a kind girl, I see you feed the birds and stroking the animals.

But who are you and why won’t you let me see you

She peers up into the branches looking for a clue.

Katie you can see me, I have been her for more than a hundred years, you have climbed into my arms I mean my branches. My little friends the fairies want you to become one of our friends.

But you have to promise not to tell anyone our secret.

Katie tries not to jump up and down with excitement

I promise I promise

Can I tell my granny though cos she told me about the faries and I thought it was a story.

Katie your granny knows our secret but as she got older she forgot about us and now she just believes we are a fairy tale that she remembers. We don’t need her to remember that we are here.

If you promise to keep our secret we can have lots of fun and adventures.

The game

I pinched this from dj Kirkby

Here are a few single word descriptions of me from people who know me in RL:

'Amazing', 'Caring', 'Sensual', 'Funny','Exciting','Loving', 'Charming'

The Game is on! And you're it! Try describing ME in one word.... just one single word in my comment box and then post the game on your blog and I will come do the same for you.

wednesday

wednesday was both good and bad

it started off with forest chatting asking if I ever sleep. we chatted for a bit then the conversation changed and I told him that had we been in the same room on tues evening I would have slapped him. the gloves came off then and we both said things that made me realise that he will never win any prizes for being tactful. the more he tried to explain himself the worse it got. I didn't pull any punches either. I made it quite clear how he had made me feel. This time if we had been in the same room it would not have been a slap in the face but a well placed knee. I was ok but pissed off. It seems that I am worth more than NSA and should just go out and find what I am looking for. but in the next breath grrrrr no I can't bring myself to relay what he said. I don't think he even realised what he was implying.

anyway off to work. It was quite quiet for a change and it soon became apparent that I would not only clear my workload but with plenty of time to spare. I decided it would be a good time to take the extra hour they owed me for staying an extra hour the week before last. Apart from anything else I was finding that I kept welling up with tears. It seems that no matter how much I told myself that Forest and what he said didn't matter, it did. I found myself thinking about how I go from one extreme to the other and don't know how to find the middle ground. Forest and Neptune are prime examples of the extremes. with forest I wore my heart on my sleeve. I let my heart rule my head. With Neptune I put up barriers, I tried to play it cool, perhaps so cool that I could appear to be cold and uninterested. I was feling miserable by the time I got home.

I came online sure there would be a message from Neptune, he had been sending me replies at around 9am shortly after I leave home for work. there was a message and as I began to reply, JJ began to chat. I am afraid that I was being a wet blanket but he soon had me giggling. we talked about Neptune who he thinks is odd. I thought that about forest (as did most of you) so that doesn't help much. he asked if we have met yet. I told him I don't even know if Neptune is even really interested, perhaps he only replies to my emails to be polite. He persuaded me to ask Neptune if he wants to meet as he had mentioned it once weeks ago but I hadn't replied, (I was trying not to be too eager.) so having already asked him the question about karaoke I sent another email asking if he still wanted to meet. I know he has read these emails over 12 hours ago. I know he was online before I went to bed last night. it is now 8.38am and still no reply. so I guess thats a no.

I went off to my writing class feeling in good spirits. I asked my tutor June if she thought I should take my stories to Rosie's wine bar as dj keeps telling me. But she has never heard of it. I told her of the magazines that dj thinks I should send my stories to. She agreed, but she also told me off. I am too quiet and she is going to start picking on me more to read my work out to the class. I explained about being shy but no she wants me to read my work out and says it will get easier. I nearly forgot one of my friends who had been quiet for weeks text me several times last night just before my class. I have promised to catch up later.

Oh and I have agreed to be a guinea pig for a certain blogger with her new online service. As of today I have to write down what I eat in the special diary she has forwarded. so far today one cup of tea and a bowl of cornflakes with semi skimmed milk.

Now I have to scoot or I will be late for work. Maybe when I get home I will find a reply from Neptune.