Removed

Last night I was removed

When I got home from my weird day at work I came online. I had only been there a few minutes when LV wanted to chat. At the end of the conversation he invited me out for dinner on Saturday evening to cheer me up.

I spent Saturday morning writing a fantasy for Paulo which I then emailed to him. Then I wrote to Romeo telling him how hurt I am that he has become so distant. What I could have done was stayed silent myself and just waited to see how long it would take him to notice. But to my mind that is playing games something I vowed never to do in this relationship. I promised him at the start that if there is ever anything I am not happy about then I will tell him. That way I won't be letting little things fester until they become big problems. So now I have told him that I feel hurt. I have told him that I have been getting attention from elsewhere but he is still the only one I want. I have made my position clear. What I have not done is made any ultimatums.

I feel better for telling him how I feel now it is up to him to make an effort.

Later I went into town to buy new school shoes for JA, to my horror he showed me his shoes earlier in the week one of them only has half the sole left. so I bought him two pairs so that should keep him going for a while until the next time his feet have out grown his shoes. I also got myself a new pair of smart black shoes for work. Even though I didn't get into the shopping centre until 4.40 (they close at 5pm) and didn't venture further than the first half dozen shops I still managed to go in three shops and spend about £50.

Back home a quick chat with LV then off to the chip shop a treat for the boys as I was going out. Little did I know that not only was the shop heaving with customers but they were also doing an order for 40 people!!! this is a small family run shop with one girl serving. But she was taking everyone's orders as she waited for the food to be cooked so it ran quite smoothly, I was quite impressed with the way she managed to keep the orders going.

Back home I dumped the food in the kitchen and told the boys to go sort it themselves while I changed out of my wet joggers into my red skirt, red tights and one of my purchases of the day a new cream blouse with flower shaped glass buttons. I just had time to phone Hector to wish him a happy birthday. It has been a while since we chatted so it was good to catch up with him. Hes leaving his job in January after 28 years. Hes going to be setting up a new venture with a friend and will probably be moving down to London so no excuses we will have to meet up when hes down here. Its nice that we have the kind of friendship that we can go for months with no contact then just pick up where we left off the kind of friendship where we will always be mates. Just for once when I call him Hector on here it is also the name I use for him in RL (not his real name but the name I use anyway it started out as a joke and has continued, no one else ever calls him that).

A few minutes later my lift arrived to carry me away for the evening, I was being removed from my computer. LV is very pleasant company and I feel honoured that he wanted to travel in bad weather to take me out for the evening. We went to the pub where I had lunch with my mum a while ago. It has changed a lot since the days when I went there a lot with my husband and small boys. It has been given a more upmarket ake over but I think it has lost a lot of the character.

The food was ok but not brilliant but we were given the wrong steaks. I had asked for well done but got rare, the first bite was ok a bit pink but when I got to the bit that still had blood in it no thanks that just isn't my cup of tea, so we swapped. When we were asked if everything was ok

LV told the waitress that we had been given the wrong steaks and that the food was tough but he wasn't after a refund of fresh food etc. When the next waitress came to clear away our plates she wanted us to have desserts free of charge but we were both full so declined.

LV wanted to visit my favourite view so we went up onto the hill, with the wind and the rain we couldn't see much, we could see all the lights of the city below but it wasn't easy to pick out anything. After chatting for a while LV drove me back home. There was a surreal moment as we were sat at traffic lights and I was thinking about Romeo, out of the blue LV says 'Do you know where Romeo is now?' We had both noticed a jag drive passed and it had made us both think of Romeo.

When I got in I went up to bed, as I lay there listening to the rain I fired up my laptop which took so long to load that I had just opened an email when I fell asleep. This morning I had too messages saying 'your up late' and 'what are you doing up at this time?' The second one left at 2.23am was from Neptune who I have not spoken to for a few months although I have seen him come and go on msn a few times.

Those men

for those of you who have not been reading my blog for long enough and those who have either forgotten or have become confused here is a quick recap.

A) Harvey ................. very brief fling that lasted 3 days last November. Has since joined the same dating site where I found my Romeo. From time to time we go together to social events organised by the dating site. He also from time to time enlists my help with things like filling in application forms, writing his CV etc. We are just good friends although I am aware that he would never kick me out of bed if I chose to be in his. Knows about Romeo.

B) Neptune ............. started chatting on dating site (same one) last September. Very slow starter but every time I considered giving up he would start chatting again we final met for a drink when I was on my way home from visiting Fire Byrd aka Pixie last December. We continued to chat and text for a while but gradually dwindled out. Every now and then he comes online and chats usually telling me I should go to bed as its getting late.

C)Forest .............. online friend who became lover for a few months last year now friends again. We chat regularly, its good to be mates again. Knows about Romeo, probably still wouldn't kick me out of bed if I chose to go there again.

D)Lotto ................male friend we met once 18 months ago and have flirted ever since. He has been trying to get me to meet him again even though he has a g/f and he knows about Romeo. wouldn't kick me out if bed if I chose to be there.

E) LV ....................Real life, met through work but now friends. He took me to Goodwood festival of Speed, has talked about going out for a meal. I am aware that he likes me, but he knows about Romeo.

F) Someone else .....................Difficult one this, any man I have flirted with in recent months knows about Romeo. (Theres no harm in flirting is there?)

Naughty Lady

Oh dear I have been a bad Lady
I have been neglecting my blog
Is it because I have been playing happy families ........... No not really
Is it because I have been busy with my love life..............No although Oxo rang me last night
It is because I have become addicted
I have found something that has taken me by suprise and taken me over
Oh I did write a post on here on friday but ET decided that he was going to use the computer and logged me off while I was getting a drink
I have not been completely out of communication in the last week
I have chatted to several bloggers by text or msn
I have also chatted to Harvey, Fireman Sam and Oxo not forgetting Neptune
but what has taken me over
Facebook!!
I got sucked into it a few months ago just dipping in every now and again not really figuring it out
But over the last few days I got chatting to some guys on an application called Flirty
yes I was doing what I know how to do flirting
One guy (Hector) has chatted so much that on friday night we chatted and chatted until at 4.30am I figured there was no point in going to bed
we were still chatting at 9.45am when I had to go out
But we didn't chat again until sunday because I was so tired the rest of saturday that I was sleeping until I started being sick (same bug my baby had xmas day and OJ on friday)
today sunday it has taken me all day to catch up with all the invites I have been gettig from my new friends.
So I apologise for neglecting my friends on here but I have been having fun

Pixie's Party

right so I am back and I need to catch up with everyone
I know you are dying to know whats been going on with me
where do I start?

right I've just checked the bullet post Vi wrote ...good thnking Vi

my weekend with Pixie, Queen Vixen and Trousers
my plan was to set off at about 1.30pm (I was going to give Vi a lift but that plan changed)
As I was getting ready to set off the BT engineer arrived so I had to stick around while he did his checks on the phone line which was dead as a dodo.
eventually I set off in bright sunlight only to find that 40 minutes up the road I was driving through torrential rain. by the time I reached the motorway it was sunny again but the light was fading fast. I got all the way to the small town where Pixie lives before I got lost having missed the first turning off the main road. Having driven around for a few minutes I found the local Co - op and called Pixie who then told me how to get to hers from where I was. Quite easy really, as I reached her house I saw this mad woman on the doorstep waving madly.

Having parked and hugged I was shown to my room. Then it was back to meet Trousers. I had seen comments of his on Pixie's and a few other blogs, I had even lurked on his blog a few times as he had on mine but we were not in contact so I was unsure how we would get on. he is lovely and even now several weeks later I can't help thinking that he reminds me of someone only I don't know who.

Pixie is just lovely. She is exactly how I imagined her to be. warm, charming, generous, witty and just lovely, her enthusiasm is infectious. Her home is wonderful, everywhere you look there are little collections. I couldn't begin to now tell you what they were as they were many and varied. Suffice to say that you could never get bored just looking around there is always something new to see.

QV arrived shortly after me. Again I had only lurked on her blog a few times and after my first ever comment she then announced that she would not be blogging anymore. I could be paranoid and think that had something to do with me but I know it wasn't. A very bubbly blonde, she swept into the room in a glorious black lace gown showing a very generous bosom (not that I have any need to be jealous).

We had a scrumptious meal all home cooked lovingly by Pixie, I know it wasn't all on the diet but I don't often get to go out and eat like this. The food was washed down by a number of bottles of bubbly (we got through almost 6 bottles between the four of us). Considering I had never met any of these people before I felt very comfortable with all of them. Pixie had rung me on friday night wondering if she should cancel as so many people had dropped out and it would now be just the four of us. having negotiated the night out and looking forward to it for 3 months I was more than happy to still go. Small gatherings are better for me anyway, being slightly deaf I find larger groups overwhelming as I can't hear everything that is going on, so I tend to sit back and watch rather than take part.

After much chatting and laughing the tarot cards came out, as did the phones. I text Neptune (with much encouragement from the others) to tell him that on my way to my weekend out I had passed the town where he lives. I asked if he wanted to meet up when I came back the next day. To my suprise he said yes. we arranged to meet in the tesco car park. while this was going on Pixie began blogging about our drunken evening, I added my bit,as did both QV and Trousers. I can't now remember who ws sat on the chair when it fell apart. But it was hilarious watching a pissed Pixie trying to put it back together again, eventually she gave up. For some reason both QV ans Trousers' parts of the blog ended up somewhere in the ether. I do remember we had some fun teasing Innocent on the blog, he text me that he could see we were having fun.

We finally fell into our beds at around 3am or at least most of us did. In the morning (was it only 5 hrs later) we were all in the kitchen drinking tea or in Pixie's case hot water, when she told us that not only had she gone for a walk after we went to bed but she also did another blog.
after a cooked breakfast QV set off home and I left not long after just as Pixie and trousers were about to embark on a late morning stroll. I would have joined them if I hadn't arranged to meet up with Neptune.

At least I tried

I think I gave Neptune a chance to show me that he could be the one

He hasn't taken it.

Since his computer broke he has been quite slow to take things any further.

He text me on sat 10th nov I replied twice but got no response.

He text me on 15th nov I replied but got no further response.

He text me on late on sat 17th Nov. I replied I told him I wished I had someone to snuggle up to. No response.

Monday 19th Nov I emailed him. No reply.

What is the matter with the man??

Either he wants to meet me or he doesn't.

I give up!!

Monday's desire

fairly quiet Monday today

Ok so I said I wouldn't text Neptune, but I did. I sent him a text just before I set off for work.

are you ok?

short simple and just that.
As I was driving he replied telling me that he was having a lie in as he has a day off work today. (I knew that).He was going to make some tea and go back to bed. For once I arrived at work with a couple of minutes to spare so I replied telling him mine is with skimmed milk no sugar.

While I was beavering away at my work my mind was wandering all over the place as it does. (I really need a job that will make me use my brain). I was thinking about Swinger. More to the point I was trying not to think about him. How dare he do this to me. Just when I was beginning to get my life straight. I am trying so hard not to let his return get to me. I remind myself that I should be thinking about Neptune. I have not met Neptune yet and at this rate it isn't going to happen this year if at all, even if we do meet will we still like each other. I have gone from worrying that I won't be good enough for him to wondering if he will be good enough for me. (thats got to be good hasn't it?).
Swinger had his chance, but he left me with no word of explanation. I tell myself he doesn't want to stay in contact with me and I mustn't think otherwise. But then I argue that he sent me that email. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want me to know he is back. so the question is why does he want me to know that. He promised me answers but none have been forth coming so far.
Amongst my jumble of thoughts I was also thinking about my writing. I have been asked to write more of 'Granny's Tree'. I need to write more of my book and I have two days to think of something to do for my homework. The subject of this week's homework is to write about something that we try to forget about but it just keeps growing. Suddenly I knew what I would do. Not a short story this time.
I have decided that I don't want to post all my writing her on this blog. AS I still have kindred Perverts open I am going to use that as a place to keep my creative writing. I have changed the name of it to Lady in Red writes......it still has the same address as before but I don't need to keep the name anymore. this weeks home work has been posted over there already. Next will be the updated and extended version of Granny's Tree.

After work I text Neptune again to ask if he was still enjoying his lie in. Then I headed for the gym. An hour I worked out, treadmill, bike and cross trainer with a bit of resistence work in the middle. I weighed myself afterwards to discover that even though I have been working out and dieting for the last week my weight is exactly the same as last monday.

I had just got back to my car when I got a text from Neptune telling me about his day. apparently all the computers he looked at (to replace his current defunct one) had vista on them. But he was now stretched out on his sofa watching a film. ...............Its a hard life isn't it?

After cooking spaghetti for the boys and chilli for me and DC, I had a long IM chat with a married local man. the subject got around to fantasies. He told me what one of his was so I sent him what I had written months ago about a situation that was close ish to his fantasy. we then talked about being tied up. He isn't the slightest bit interested in anything that isnt very vanilla. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with that. He asked if I had had any of my writing published as he thought it was good. I also showed him the pissoem that chopski wrote for me. If you have not seen it you should go and find it here.

after he had gone I set about writing my homework.

I think I shall have an early night now.

memories

After the high I was on the other day I feel a bit flat now.
My weekend has been fine, there have been no disasters. Just a normal weekend really, not much happening.
I went to the murder mystery evening on friday. It was fish and chip supper whilst the various cast members moved from table to table so we could ask them questions. I went with OJ and JA also my mum and her friend, Bananas. Mother had brought some non alcoholic wine for the two of us to drink and cola for the boys. Bananas had a bottle of red wine. My boys had their first taste of red, OJ who never touches alcohol at all thought it was ok but didn't want much just a 1/4 of a glass. JA didn't like it much thank heavens. I have never taken to red, much preferring white but I agreed to try the red and it was better than I remember but I still only had 1/2 glass as by the time I was ready for more Bananas had not only finished the bottle but was scrounging from the next table. At the end of the evening we all had to stand by the person we thought had committed the murder. JA myself and Bananas all thought it was the dodgy junior solicitor, mother thought it was the smarmy 'Uncle' Tom and OJ thought it was the widow (Lady Muck). As it turned out the senior solicitor who was about to read the deceased (Lord Muck)'s will when he died. Had been killed by blows to the head. These blows were administered by both the junior partner and the honerary Uncle. It wasn't certain which had struck the fatal blow. So we were all right except for clever cloggs OJ who for once in his life got something wrong.

saturday was very quiet, I had a nice lie in then exchanged a few emails with various friends. Posh Bird asked if I would feed her cat as she was going to be away until sunday afternoon. Then I went shopping again to get more of the things I need in order to do this new eating regime properly. I have now stocked up on more of the items I didn't have before. I can't remember when I last bought pesto or mixed herbs to go in my home cooking. My mentor in this diet is managing to do something that neither my mother or SF ever managed to do.......shes turning me into a housewife aarrgggg. I even made home made potato and leek soup today. I have remembered though that there are three reasons why I ahve not done this before. I am too lazy to stand preparing fresh food every day. It cost more to stock my cupboards up. I need more space to store everything I need for all these recipes.
I exchanged a few text with Sammy on Saturday.....he says hes been very buy but life will get back to normal after tuesday. He said he would try to get online on sunday night. No sign of him yet and its 11.22pm.
I have heard nothing at all from Neptune since his text on thursday night even though I replied on friday morning. He had said that he would not be able to use computer until he gets back to work on tuesday but he didn't say he wouldnt be able to use his phone either. I know I could text him again but why should I put in more effort if he isn't doing the same. I had thought that he might want to meet over the weekend as he hadn't said he would be busy.....oh well its his loss.
I text swinger on saturday while I was shopping......I don't know why I often get the urge to text while I am food shopping. I was just testing to see if he is still using the same mobile number as before. he replied that he is but he was suprised I still have the number. Thats when I told him I only delete the numbers of people I have forgotten and he is not forgotten. I have not heard from him since.

Its funny all this time since he did his vanishing act at first I hurt, then I just worried about him. I didn't think about him too often as the months passed. It was as though he was a favourite possession that has been put on a shelf not forgotten but not often looked at. When I first got that first email, I was shocked and had to read the name of the sender several times before it sank in that it was him. My first thought ........Omg its Swinger......hes still alive then which made me happy. then I emailed him and we exchanged 4 or 5 very brief emails over about an hour. It was later that the feelings I had had for him began to flood back. I still have a photo of him by my bed. I hadn't looked at that photo for months, but I held it to me before I fell asleep. In the morning as I gazed at it again it was as though my body remembered him. He was the first person to tell me about the alternative use of an electric toothbrush. oon I found myself in need of mine but that was soon discarded in favour of fingers. fingers which had not been put to use in this way for a while.

Over the past couple of days so many things have come into my mind, things I had completely forgotten about until now. When I was removing the black nail varnish from ET's fingers (halloween party last night) I remembered that swinger likes the smell of nail varnish. I remembered too that he likes motor sports. I remember the car he drives, the fact that he goes commando. He prefers to drive the back roads to using the motorway. I remember what he said when I told him I had a puncture when I was driving at 80mph. He loves DIY( he was going to fix my mum's plumbing until he got sent away). Mostly its the little insignificant things I am remembering, things that I had forgotten I knew.

today I took OJ to get his new rail ticket as finally his EMA went into his account this weekend. then we went shopping again!! He needed to buy a birthday present for SF (54 yesterday). He had told me what he wanted them to buy him. Ha ha OJ is the only one with any money so that means I have to stump up the rest. He also decided to buy himself a new dinner plate and bowl that none of the others are allowed to use. He's fed up that its always me and him that do the washing up and the others just leave theirs in the sink. So hes bought his own set. then after the shopping I went up onto the hill to take some photos. I had been saying that I want to get a decent digital camera so tht I can take better pictures especially of the views that I see every day. This morning out of the blue DC asked me if I wanted the camera he had won at work a couple of months ago. at the time I had said he could give me the camera as he hadn't paid me even half his rent money. But he had said he was going to sell it on ebay. He had bought himself a good camera a few months earlier.

difficult to believe these two photos were taken from the same spot within minutes.

omg omg omg!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it

pinch me

I think I am having a dream

it can't be real

he wants to talk on msn but he says I'm showing offline

I can't believe it

is this for real?

I am online but he isn't so why does he say I am not?

I say .............oh so you are a live then?

he says ............yes just

I can't believe it

I didn't think I would ever hear from him again

out of the blue I get an email from him

it must be a dream it can't be true

its not a personal email just a version of the ...........friend for a reason email

he says he needs to do some crawling

I am just pleased he is alive and talking to me even if it is by email cos he cant get the msn to work








and I got a late night text from Neptune :-)

way up on a high

I am on a real high right now!

I have been trying to phone the DWP Debt Management team for days. They are claiming £500+ that I was over paid whilst I was working over Christmas last year. Anyway I finally managed to speak to them and I can pay monthly for 12 months and as I want to make my payments on the first of each month as I get paid on the last day of the month my first payment will be December. So I have another month and it will be paid off by this time next year. So I am really pleased I have got that sorted and it was much less painful than I had anticipated.

But the main reason for being on a high is the job situation. When my friend first persuaded me to take this part time job doing Data Entry it was for 3 months to cover maternity leave until sept. Then in august I was asked to stay until 22/12/07. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about what I am going to do after xmas. I knew there was a possibility there might still be a job for me where I am, but I decided that 6 months of Data Entry was enough. I am worth more than that. It has been good for me to get back into working but I don't want to be doing this for too long. I have been looking at it as a stepping stone to better things.

Today I was asked if I would consider covering maternity leave for Mtba from March 08 until the end of the year. Mtba does all the credit control. So that would be a much more interesting job for me and I did work in accounts many years ago so it wouldn't be totally alien to me. I said it would depend on what work I find after christmas. Obviously I am not going to promise to come back after a 3 month break if I find something else. Apparently they want me to carry on with the Data entry until March. I have said that I am worth more than Data Entry but I will think about it. I am going to see what the going rate of pay is and see if I can negotiate a better rate of pay. But I will probably accept anyway as it means I have job security for another year. Perhaps by then as I will have been there for 18 months by then they will want to keep me on longer.

Today I got through my work really quickly......there was not so much of it today which was just as well as I had taken a chicken and bacon pasta to eat for my lunch. I was able to stop typing and eat properly for a change. Usually it is a race against time to get as many orders as possible onto the system so no break for me. I have been good today no bread or pastry.

Oh and I was exchanging text messages with Neptune before work this morning so that was nice ;-)

swooning

OMG!!!
just got in from my writing class. OJ and JA are watching never mind the buzzcocks, the guests include Daniel Bedingfield who I adore (his music that is) and catch me while I swoon.....................captain Jack aka John Barrowman (Fireman Sam knows him and says hes a real nice guy). Yes I know he's gay but I don't care I think he's lovely. Maybe I should unblock Fireman Sam and start seeing him again to see if I can get him to take me with him next time hes going off to work on set with JB.


I have paid my phone bill............well it had to be done if I am going to keep in touch with Neptune, we have now given each other our mobile numbers so it wouldn't have been much good if I couldn't reply to all the text messages I know I will get from him now lmao.

I have topped up my electricity and gas meters so that we can keep warm and I can use computer while the kids watch tv.

We have food in the cupboards and fridge so we can eat for a few days...............this includes some new items as I try to adjust not only mine but the whole family's eating habits.

I now have a full petrol tank just incase I get any invites to go meet a certain elusive man. Not really I do need to get to work every day too but it does no harm to be prepared.

On friday I get just a little bit closer to getting my rent arrears paid off.

Its day three of the new eating regime.......slowly but surely getting used to the changes this is bringing. It isn't easy but at least I know that I am not doing this alone which helps and when I looked at the hot cheese and onion slice that was only 34p at the local garage shop I did think it looked and smelt nice but I knew I shouldn't so I gritted my teeth and walked away from it.

Oh I also let my colleagues read some of my writing today. I was told by mum to be again (mtba) that I really should write a book. Wayne really liked 'Granny's Tree' and think I should write more of it. He recons he should be able to read part two tomorrow. Some chance I have hardly had time to think let alone write this evening.

Tonight at my writing class we were given pages of writing competitions for us to enter. DJ if you or anyone else wants a copy let me know.

Our homework for next week is to

think about something one tries to forget that just gets bigger and bigger.

No idea what I shall do yet but no doubt I shall think of something before next wednesday.

Bought myself a new red top this morning just incase I have anywhere to go at the weekend even though I had promised myself I wouldn't buy anything new until I had dropped a size. Well sometimes a girl has to do these things.

I turned my phone off when I was at my writing course just incase I got a call or text from Neptune. After the class I turned it on again to find that yes I did have a new text. But the name was not Neptune it was *****
and had just one word.....................Boo
It has been sometime since this man has text me so it was somewhat unexpected

first day

Today has been the first day.

the first day the kids went back to school after half term. I say the first day they went back, I was just getting ready for work when I heard someone in the bathroom. That was odd as I had been alone in the house for half an hour.

JA was in the bathroom retching into the toilet. he just cleaned himself up and put himself to bed without saying a word.

So I phoned the school and went to work. After I got home I asked him how he was. He told me that he had got to school but felt sick so he asked the deputy head teacher if he could go home.

Today was the first time I had been to the gym for over a week. I worked hard, I did think about taking it easy as no one was watching but then I figured that if I did that the only person I would be cheating was me so I kept at it. 90 calories on the treadmill after 12 minutes. 43 on the static bike after 10 minutes and I have no idea how many calories, probably not many on the floor and ball excercises. 45 minutes not bad for the first time in over a a week.

Today was the start of my new eating regime. I am now using skimmed instead of semi skimmed milk and trying to eat proper meals so that I don't need to snack. I am avoiding bread as much as possible and my favourite cheese.

On my trawling the blogs I read I found this delightful picture on Keyser Soze post today. I thought it was so good I had to share it with you as I am sure most of you will enjoy it.

I had been mystified as to why I had heard nothing from Neptune since first thing on friday morning. I had sent him a message early on sat evening, there was a possibility that we could meet on sunday. so why was it that by this morning he still had not read my message. He hadn't even been on the dating site as far as I could tell, hes normally logging on every few hours.

mystery now solved but an opportunity missed. He sent me a message from his work computer. His pc at home stopped working. He also said that its a pity as he would have been able to meet me yesterday after all. So now I have suggested that we swap mobile numbers.

I bet he is going stir crazy as he has told me he is addicted to the computer but he is trying to wean himself off it.......he doesn't have much choice at the moment lol

Have been chatting to forest for quite a long time tonight ............the first time since the day we had our public spat. We are fine its good to feel comfortable chatting to him again. we can even make fun of each other and ourselves.

Not for the faint hearted

Ok so most of you know I have been talking to Neptune for a while now, since 2nd September to be precise. One recurring topic has been spiders. We have both been plagued with these little beauties (house spiders) this summer. We also have plenty of these, stretching their webs across the garden path.......ewwww. Seeing as they are known as garage spiders why are they in the garden?
Oh yeah the garage door has been out of use for months.

We have discussed ways of getting rid of the house spiders, I think Neptune would like one of these, I know my kids would.

I have heard on my radio that these are good for getting rid of spiders although I have no idea how or why.

I expect we will soon see lots of these little plastic spiders everyhere as the halloween hype kicks in.

I quite like the look of this little lady.

I decided to find a picture to tease Neptune with and came up with this one.

when I am not busy or I am mulling something over in my head, a new post or a short story or maybe something less important like a letter to the bank or council, I play this game a lot. During the break up of my marriage I played it for hours on end. I would put on my headphones and listen to music and play spider. It meant I didn't have to think about things or participate in what was going on around me. It drove SF mad that I would do this, but it was preferable to listening to him.

Wouldn't I just love one of these babies and look its in red too........every picture I found of the Alpha Romeo Spider showed a red one, maybe they don't make them in other colours.

Crushing Oxo

I am really sorry that I felt I had no choice but to tell Oxo that I won't see him again. This wasn't the first time. I told him in May that I wasn't going to see him any more as I just wanted to see one man. It wasn't that, that man had asked me not to see anyone else, if anything he encouraged me to still see others but I just didn't want to. Oxo was very good about it at the time saying that he hoped the man I liked would treat me well.

One night I was bored and sent a joke by text to various men that I know. Some replied others didn't, that didn't matter. But Oxo replied, he obviously thought I had sent the joke to him alone. we got chatting and he asked to see me again. I can't remember now if I saw him that night or if it was soon after. I hadn't seen the man I liked for a few weeks so I went to see Oxo. That was the first time I stayed at his place but I rushed home first thing in the morning in the hope of getting back before the boys woke.

We chatted a few days later and agreed that we would go back to seeing each other from time to time. Unless either of us got serious with anyone. It was agreed that either of us could call the other and ask for sex, we came up with a code word which meant that if we both said yes I would arrive at his place 1.5 hrs later and stay over. Over the next few months Oxo used the code word quite a few times but I often turned him down for various reasons. I like him but was still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him again. But I did spend several saturday nights and once, a week night at his place. those sunday mornings chatting and drinking mug after mug of hot tea were very cosy. He was more than willing for me to stay at his place mid week, going straight to work from there the next morning but I only did that once.

since I made the declaration that I wanted to be a one man woman I have struggled with the idea of still seeing Oxo. Part of me wanted to continue but a bigger part was saying no that would go against my decision. whenever Oxo asked me over in the last few weeks I was making excuses not to go. when we had first come up with the code word idea we both agreed that there would be no pressure. If one of us didnt want to meet up for an reason then that was cool. But in reality, everytime I said no he tried to persuade me. so when it came to telling him that there would be no more I just kept putting it off. But now that meeting Neptune is becoming imminent and I really want to give that a chance if there is one. I felt I had no choice but to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. He asked if it was because I want a long term relationship, he has knwn since the beginning that that was my ultimate aim. Months ago he told me that he only wants nsa for now but that it could develope into a relationship later on as he thinks I am perfect apart from the small matter of my sons. But even if he had wanted a relationship, I know that he isn't the man for me.

So last night I told him. I was worried that his silence was a bad sign. But when I said I hoped we would still be friends he said ..........ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart.
I found that really hard. I don't want him waiting around for me.

I don't know if Neptune and I will even like each other when we meet. Maybe we won't in which case I shall be right back where I started, but I don't think I will be calling Oxo, although it is a comforting idea to know that I could go running back to him if this doesn't work.

catching up

ok here we go
Sunday started with the blocked toilet yuk and of course there is only one person who gets the dubious delights of sorting that little problem out, getting used to it now, must have done this about half a dozen times in the last two years, thank heavens it wasn't Saturday morning.

Later in the day I went over to see my mum on the way to do the weekly shop that I hadn't done on Saturday. She is having her hall, stairs and landing painted, so wanted help to move the grandfather clock. I am so glad there was no one there with a camera. I must have looked a right sight. Managed to slide the clock along the floor to the dinning room door. Problem one, the door frame isn't high enough. Ok so there I am stood one foot either side of it, mother and her crutch behind the clock. shes holding the back up as I pull the bottom forward to allow it to tilt backwards.
problem two, I am now stuck, straddling the bloody thing with my arms wrapped around it to stop it from falling. Top half now in dining room, I want to push the bottom half backwards so that it can be stood upright again. But instead of pushing the top up mother is letting it drop. Now I am really stuck (and all the time remembering it cost her a lot of money and time to get it fixed the last time it stopped working after she moved house......its temperamental). I am now bent double arms around the middle of this great weight still one leg on either side. finally we lower the clock to the ground and push it so that it is completely in the dining room then I managed to get it back upright.....I can't quite remember how I managed that on my own. We got it into a corner out of the way. Now my mum tells me she has arranged for my brother to collect it, him and his wife are going to have it.
I ended my evening chatting to Sammy which lead to some cam fun
No Vi the candle wax had nothing to do with Sammy, we had some good dirty fun but not with any wax although I did show him what I had been using in his absence ...........my new best friend (my electric toothbrush and me have become well aquainted in recent nights)

after we said goodnight it was time to wrap up birthday presents. Do you think I could find any sticky tape? I had earlier asked the other boys if they knew where it was. I thought I would try the glue stick instead. No way was that going to stick.........it has about as much stick to it as a lump of jelly, zilch nothing no way was it going to work
Ah bright idea, I am looking at my nails thinking they really need to be done when it strikes me that I could glue the paper down with nail varnish. If you ever decide to try it don't bother it doesn't work. I go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.........nothing at all of any use but I do get another idea
candle wax!! use the wax to seal it down, I have candles in my room. find lighter, light two candles, drip the wax onto the underside of the wrapping paper where I want it to stick........nothing doing.
I give up......put the wrapped presents into a bag to keep them together until the morning.


Ouch I just told Oxo that I won't be seeing him as I want to give it a chance with Neptune. I said I hope we can still be friends

ofcourse, I'll wait for your broken heart

now I feel awful, but I couldn't let him keep asking me to go over there when it isn't what I want.

sleeping

not much to tell about saturday
woke up with a migraine took one of my special tablets which did help me to sleep a little, but spent half the morning running to the bathroom retching.
The boys were great they know to leave me in peace. Curtains shut not even my radio on. (I always have my local radio on, I love the mix of music from the 70s 80s and modern plus the banter......DC calls it hospital radio but then he listens to the moronic radio one).
Usually when I have a headache the boys still sit on the end of my bed to use my computer. But when I have a migraine I can't stand the small joggles as they fidget. I did wake up late morning to find DC sat there but he can sit still so wasn't too bad but I could still hear him drumming his fingers on the desk. Must be a musicians thing!!
my mobile went off a couple of times It was my mum, I knew she would be asking if I am ok and is it one of my saturday headaches. But I just didn't feel up to speaking so ignored it. I knew she would call the house phone and ask the boys if I was ok.
Evntually I was just beginning to feel better when OJ asked if he should go over to the shop for some bread etc. Hes a great kid and life would be so much harder without him to look after us all. He was my rock when I had cancer even though he was only 10 then.
I managed to get myself downstairs. to my surprise while I had been sleeping the 3 younger boys had worked together (unheard of ) not only had they tidied up the living room......school books and clothes were gone.......they even vacuumed. Apparently they had a motive. They wanted to get the Pool Table out. So they tidied up, played pool and then put the table away again (it lives behind the sofa).
I went back to bed a gain for a while before checking my emails. I had a message from Neptune, our latest topic of conversation being where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world. It seems that although there are lots of places we want to go to I would love to go back to Lapland which is a place he says he would love to visit. He also says he would like to go to New Zealand which is one place I would love to visit. A few years ago my mum talked about going there but I told her she couldn't go until my boys have grown up as I want to go too. Other places I would like to visit are Canada, Ireland and Patagonia. There are plenty of places I would be happy to go to (basically I would go anywhere) but these are the ones that are top of my list. Strange none of them are particularly hot. I have never been anywhere hot ever. But then I have been to very few places anyway yet.
Neptune said he would be away all weekend as he is visiting family and watching the Rugby cup final. He will be back sunday night. I already knew he would be away. I have been thinking about where to go and what to do when we meet. I do know parts of the city he has suggested meeting in, but not well enough to know where to go. The places I do know are only because I used to go there with N (he lives in that city). Perhaps Fat Controller has some suggestions. He was there more recently than me.
So as I was not going to be going anywhere and half the country including Neptune would be watching the Rugby I made myself a nest on the sofa with my book and a drink to watch the rugby. I still don't really know what was going on but their player Montgomery was a bit of alright. why did SA get a penalty when our player was charging through them with the ball. the ref said something about you can't block......surely it was SA who were blocking us ???? I doubt I shall ever understand the rules..........and what was that about is his leg on the line or over it ?
I guess I shall have to stay clueless. I really wanted to watch and understand the match so that I have an idea what happened when people are talking about it but I fell asleep for the last 5 minutes (as if I hadn't slept enough already). I woke up at around midnight and watched some gangster type movie with Andy Garcia. Before getting the energy to get back upstairs. so now here I am blogging at 3am.

well this post has turned out much longer than I expected seeing as I did nothing all day except sleep.

thursday

thursday so far has been a better day.

work was fine although I got accused of trying to look intelligent as I was wearing my reading glasses. I don't often wear them, I have had them for a year and not yet got used to them. They are fine for looking at the screen but where I have to keep looking down at the orders I am reading, then at the screen( I am not a touch typist) it isn't much better than not wearing them. then I have to remember to take them off to walk about otherwise I would land in the warehouse rather than walking down the stairs. I was wearing them today as I had woken up with a niggly headache. Not unusual when I have had a disagreement with anyone. as the day went by the headache began to ease.

When I got home I found several messages from Neptune. Vi I can now tell you that the song he chose was 'Little sister' by Elvis ......... I really should have known it would be an Elvis song as he told me weeks ago that he is a fan of Elvis. He has also said that he would like to meet and thinks it would be fun. He can't meet this weekend but has suggested the Town/city where we could meet. so this has cheered me up. I was afraid that maybe I had been putting up too many barriers and he was just being polite. I said to Forest the other day that I was afraid I would not be good enough. Forest wisely suggested that I should let Neptune decide for himself whether I was good enough, I shouldn't make that decision for him.

No matter what has occurred in recent weeks, I still regard Forest as a friend. We are now able to talk without treading on eggshells. I do believe that friends, good friends should be able to be honest with each other. But this does not mean trampling on a friend's feelings with size 12 hob nailed boots. I think forest and I can remain friends I do enjoy chatting with him but I think we need to agree not to discuss what did/did not happen between us. We agreed the other day that sex had got in the way of our friendship. Unfortunately the conversation got around to dodgy ground and for me the wounds of last month were re opened and the knife twisted. I really don't think forest meant to hurt me with what he was saying. I just think that he didn't think about the implications of what he said. when I said goodbye on wednesday morning I signed off with a kiss ( nothing unusual in that). I wanted to rise above the hurt and pretend everything was alright. but during the following hours my mind kept going back to how those words made me feel.
It wasn't the words themselves it was what I percieved them to mean and how that affects any future relationship I may want. As I said on my wednesday post I go from one extreme to the other. Anyone who is a regular reader will know that throughout the late spring and summer I adored Forest and would not hear anything against him. I wore my heart on my sleeve. My reaction to finding out that my feelings had been so badly misplaced is to build barriers and show that I am not too eager and I wont be wearing my heart on my sleeve again too soon. I know this is something I have done in the past and am trying to overcome. This I think is at the route of why I felt the way I did about the conversation I had on wednesday morning. I felt that it had put me back in turmoil not knowing where I go from here. should I carry on being honest about my feelings, should I let my head be ruled by my heart and keep getting hurt, trampled on and mistreated. Or should I shield my heart, put up barriers and keep any prospective future partners at arms length and run the risk of never meeting anyone because I appear to be too cold, too distant.
I try to be honest at all times and I hope that shows in my blog. I am sure that forest can think back over the past year and know that anything I say about my feelings are an honest reflection of how I am feeling. He has been there for me through a lot of ups and downs over the past year. But I also believe that in being honest I always try not to say anything that will hurt anyone else. I am sorry that forest feels aggrieved by what I wrote this morning. I still say that I was hurt but I am sorry that in my expressing my hurt this has upset someone who I care about.

Now this evening I have been out. It is that time of year again. It is time to do the round of ............college open evenings. Having gone through this last autumn with OJ it is now the turn of ET to decide what he wants to do next year and where. He has an idea that he would like to go into music technology and computing. I may be wrong but I get the idea his aim is to get into music production. where DC loves to make music ET wants to be on the technical team producing it. One thing about these rounds of college open evenings .........they bring it home that the boys are growing up and this time next year I shall have three sons who have left school!!!! how can I possibly be old enough ???

My baby JA has been on an adventure day today. rock climbing, low ropes, tunnelling, he has had a good but tiring day. he slept for a couple of hours when he got home. Now that means he doesnt want to go to bed. he has been telling me that he is being bullied at school. this would be alarming but it turns out that what he means is he goes upto ET and friends annoying them. they are the ones he says are bullying him but I gather from his cheeky grin that this is just playful.


PS
It might seem that I recover very quickly from deep hurt. This is because I talk/write it out of my system. In the distant past I buried my feelings and told no one how I felt. Doing this made me ill and put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I get it off my chest and move on instead of letting it fester. That is why blogging is such a good thing for me.

wednesday

wednesday was both good and bad

it started off with forest chatting asking if I ever sleep. we chatted for a bit then the conversation changed and I told him that had we been in the same room on tues evening I would have slapped him. the gloves came off then and we both said things that made me realise that he will never win any prizes for being tactful. the more he tried to explain himself the worse it got. I didn't pull any punches either. I made it quite clear how he had made me feel. This time if we had been in the same room it would not have been a slap in the face but a well placed knee. I was ok but pissed off. It seems that I am worth more than NSA and should just go out and find what I am looking for. but in the next breath grrrrr no I can't bring myself to relay what he said. I don't think he even realised what he was implying.

anyway off to work. It was quite quiet for a change and it soon became apparent that I would not only clear my workload but with plenty of time to spare. I decided it would be a good time to take the extra hour they owed me for staying an extra hour the week before last. Apart from anything else I was finding that I kept welling up with tears. It seems that no matter how much I told myself that Forest and what he said didn't matter, it did. I found myself thinking about how I go from one extreme to the other and don't know how to find the middle ground. Forest and Neptune are prime examples of the extremes. with forest I wore my heart on my sleeve. I let my heart rule my head. With Neptune I put up barriers, I tried to play it cool, perhaps so cool that I could appear to be cold and uninterested. I was feling miserable by the time I got home.

I came online sure there would be a message from Neptune, he had been sending me replies at around 9am shortly after I leave home for work. there was a message and as I began to reply, JJ began to chat. I am afraid that I was being a wet blanket but he soon had me giggling. we talked about Neptune who he thinks is odd. I thought that about forest (as did most of you) so that doesn't help much. he asked if we have met yet. I told him I don't even know if Neptune is even really interested, perhaps he only replies to my emails to be polite. He persuaded me to ask Neptune if he wants to meet as he had mentioned it once weeks ago but I hadn't replied, (I was trying not to be too eager.) so having already asked him the question about karaoke I sent another email asking if he still wanted to meet. I know he has read these emails over 12 hours ago. I know he was online before I went to bed last night. it is now 8.38am and still no reply. so I guess thats a no.

I went off to my writing class feeling in good spirits. I asked my tutor June if she thought I should take my stories to Rosie's wine bar as dj keeps telling me. But she has never heard of it. I told her of the magazines that dj thinks I should send my stories to. She agreed, but she also told me off. I am too quiet and she is going to start picking on me more to read my work out to the class. I explained about being shy but no she wants me to read my work out and says it will get easier. I nearly forgot one of my friends who had been quiet for weeks text me several times last night just before my class. I have promised to catch up later.

Oh and I have agreed to be a guinea pig for a certain blogger with her new online service. As of today I have to write down what I eat in the special diary she has forwarded. so far today one cup of tea and a bowl of cornflakes with semi skimmed milk.

Now I have to scoot or I will be late for work. Maybe when I get home I will find a reply from Neptune.

Neptune

Numerous messages passed between us in the early afternoon before the England/Estonia match. He said he felt he was being chatted up but was not complaining and I should carry on.
Sunday morning I ask if he often gets chatted up........saying that it is not something I do, but perhaps if I had a few drinks I might lose my inhibitions. A few hours later I receive his reply.

Have a few drinks Lady, and then try and chat me up and I'll mark you out of ten . . .

Well what is a girl to do when she gets a challenge like this. But retrieve a bottle from the fridge.....help I only have non-alcoholic drinks and a half bottle of white wine that was opened weeks ago and should have been ditched. so I gave it some thought and came up with this........still awaiting his response.

Have a drink and chat me up he says
I will let you know how you did
Huh who does he think he is
As if I would put myself through that
But how can I turn it down
Always ready for a challenge

I could try to impress
I could talk of archaeology
The history of matters maritime
To wax lyrical on machines
Such as BMW R 42
Or BSA 350 Fury

I could ask if he follows Justin Rose
Or perhaps its Montgomerie, Clarke and Westwood
As they head for Pebble Beach
Or maybe he would discuss the merits
Of White versus Davis or Taylor
Now its O’sullivan or Hendry

But I think I will stick to what I do best
Admit defeat, take a bow
And depart before my cheeks
Do blush scarlet with embarrassment
For chatting up a handsome gentleman
I have no previous experience

chasing

So much for my plans for today

I have done some work on my writing and sorted out some of my earlier pieces using word count. I chatted for a while with Forest, it is good that we are friends again. I had an unexpected exchange of text messages with Sammy and a brief email exchange with Mr Passionate. Then JJ came online to chat. He asked me how things are with Neptune. I told him that I am taking things very slowly and letting him do the chasing if he does indeed want to do any chasing.

JJ says .........he would be a fool not to chase uuu..

why is that?

lol,,, now a question like that could get me into a lot of trouble
because i think u are worth chasing

awww thank you JJ ......it's a pity JJ is spoken for.