Buses and 5 could be 2

Buses seem to be a theme for today.



Earlier I was checking out the photos from DJ & Chopper's book launch. To see them go here. Now I am quite good at convincing myself that I am overweight yes theres no getting away from that but I am not too overweight. Then now and again I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflected back from a window. I don't like what I see so I move passed quickly, back into my fantasy land where I am just large but not massive. But then there are these cruel people in life who just have to take pictures. Thats fine but sometimes these pictures have me in them. Not much else as that would mean using an extra wide lens.



So what has this got to do with the book launch or with buses, anyone who has read dj's blog this week or her comments on here will know that she has been saying how beautiful I am.......can you see the glow from my red cheeks already? Not only has dj been saying this but casdok has joined forces with her saying I am gorgeous and have an aura about me.......... more girls more, I am even beginning to believe it.



But then I saw the photos of all the lovely people at the launch, dj you and casdok are both gorgeous (there are not enough photos of the beautiful casdok). But then I saw the ones that include this massive blob of lace and velvet. All I could see was the back end of a bus. Now I know you were drinking on monday but you must have been slaughtered to see beauty in this big old crate. I might be able to run away from mirrors and windows but photos are more permanent reminders.



Anyway this morning the flow of text messages between myself and The Man which began yesterday has continued until, that is I stopped to look at the photos mentioned above. This is when I did something naughty...........



Just looking at pics from monday. My friends keep saying how beautiful I am but all I see is back end of a bus! You might want to have second thoughts about meeting! x



Silence ......................obviously I am good at cutting off my nose to spite my face. My reasoning behind what I did was that I have very carefully avoided mentioning my weight problem to him. I had intended to pretend my weight doesn't bother me (yes I know you all know that it does). I figured that he would think I was being a typical woman exaggerating, then if when we do meet he doesn't like what he sees I can say that I had warned him.



2 hours later!! he replied



LiR...! whats that got to do with anything.? Yeah like I' a pin up as well...! Your friends see the beautiful person both inside & out & in those I would trust. We will only eet when 'we' are ready. I for one am looking forward to meeting you LiR. xx



So that has got that one out of the way :-)



I have also been exchanging a few brief emails with dj regarding firstly her new announcement which if you want to know what that was go visit her here. But also the worries of a parent whose 17 yr old son suddenly announces a wish to join up and the resulting fears of him going into conflict. It seems I made them laugh by saying that my brother (who I was very close to at the time) was merely 19 when he was sent to the Faulklands war. He now faces conflict everyday in his role as a Bournemouth Bus driver!!



My personal feeling is that yes I worry about my child being hurt or worse killed, but the reality is that in the battles faced these days the chances of being killed in action are far less than in earlier conflicts. It is tragic that too many of our young men and women are killed in action but the numbers are still less than are killed daily on our roads and other accidents. If anything I would be happier knowing that he had a career mapped out for him with all the benefits that come with being in the Forces especially in these days where jobs are few and far between, than for him to be wandering aimlessly through life not knowing what he wants.


So after more conversations about it all last night, unless they won't have him, later in the year our little family unit could be cut from 5 to just 2 as the three older boys go off into the world within a short space of time.

D is for Date

Ok so here is the latest news.

Last night I was feeling really quite poorly so when I woke up this morning with a sore throat and upset tummy I text PB to say I was unwell. It seems that I am not the only one as JA was feeling sick. I later discovered that ET had not gone to college he had woken with a sore throat. He has been at college for 3 days and now hes ill !! But he will have to go in tomorrow as next monday hes off on a week of activites at a residential centre in New Forest. He will need to find out all the details about what he needs to take etc. He does seem to be enjoying his course so far which is good, I am only sorry that it will only last 12 weeks.

Anyway back to me being ill, I have slept a lot, read some of chopper's book, had a phone call from Paulo who had rung the office and found I wasn't there so rang me at home to see if I'm ok. The Man text me at 9.30am I didn't reply until 10.30am he text again at 13.36 after a meeting at which time I told him I was home ill. 15.25 another text asking if I fancy a chat. we chatted for 22 minutes while he was driving (using his hands free so I couldn't catch everything he said). But apart from general chat, he asked about Monday night, we also talked about my cancer and me being ill now. He told me I need to get better soon because we need to meet. So we are going to meet next weekend. He will be away for a few days next week but hopefully by the time he gets back I will be well enough to meet. within 5 minutes of putting down the phone he had text me again.

I did think it was funny during our chat he said he had not been on laptop for a few days so he probably owes me a few emails ............I said I hadn't written any. (I only reply to the ones he sends lmao.........I didn't tell him that bit though)

Men and books

It has mostly been a good day for me.

After a manic few weeks work has finally slowed down giving us a little breathing space although there is still plenty to keep us busy. Not that the lemon chewer can see that. She now thinks that there is not enough work for all three of us and she will be out of a job in 2 weeks. she doesn't understand that the work we have been doing for the 4 months since she joined us is in reality only the tip of the iceberg for us. There is so much more to our work that we just have not had time to do in recent months. I, for one, am looking forward to getting a chance to get down to the real work.

Anyway, I digress, as it was more my intention to describe my morning, or to be more precise, the activity of my mobile phone. First there was the joke which arrived at 10.07am . Then there was the observation of the weather together with a comment about being on a train twiddling thumbs. It was 10.16am by then, this time as it was quiet I replied. Possibly a mistake as that was the start, 5 more text messages before 11am. Including a comment about it being time for a coffee, to which I replied that mine is tea, white no sugar (predictable I know). I then sent him a picture of my mug on my desk. He liked the red lipstick print on the white enamel. After this exchange it all went quiet for an hour, I am guessing that was when he was making his way to his destination (Earls Court).

The afternoon was quiet, but when I arrived home I found that I had received a photo (bottle of red wine and glass) two hours earlier and I hadn't noticed. Then at 8.30pm the text started again until 10pm when he said goodnight. to which I said .................goodnite x. Much to my suprise at 10.33pm I got ..............

thank you for my 'x' LiR. xx

Hmmm I wonder how much longer this will continue, will he eventually ask me out or is he waiting for me to ask him out right.

I have not been feeling very well this evening, my throat is sore again and I feel generally unwell, but I was cheered up by a phone call from my mum. She wanted to tell me that she has been reading DJ's book and although she finds the story of DJ's life fascinating it is the way it is writen that had my mum excited. I have never heard her this excited about reading a book (she is always reading 3 or 4 books at any one time.) DJ my mum says your book is beautifully written. There are many authors ie Wilbur Smith whose books are written so well that you feel as though you were there, but she has never written anything so beautifully written as this book. For those of you who don't know the book I am talking about is ................. From Zaftig to Aspie. I am looking forward to reading it myself once mother has finished with it. In the mean time I have Chopper's book to read.

Am I wicked?

Over the weekend I sent an email to The Man telling him I would have to stop chatting to him as I had found my perfect man then showed him the profile that I showed you in my previous post. with just the comment ........................as if!! after it. ( his response today was to call me a malteser and say its a good thing he read right to the end of the email).

Today the following text exchange occurred.



I've just remembered your off out 2nite. Have a good one. Going anywhere nice? xx

Couple of friends celebrating having their first books published. Rosie's Bistro . I intend to dress up as its ages since I've been anywhere. Don't care if my red velvet skirt with split and black lace top is over the top!

You've painted a lovely picture in my mind. Thank you LiR.......wish you were on my arm ...! xx

Awww thank you x x

Your very welcome LiR have a lovley evening & tell me all about it later. xx


Do you think there might be some progress here? It does seem that although I am letting him do most of the work it doesn't hurt to nudge the rudder in the right direction now and again.

Nigel's Way

As I said recently, Cheekydani is dating by her friend Nigel's rules or at least she is for a trial month. I decided to see what would happen if I try to do it Nigel's way too.

So this is how it has been working out.

Romeo has not been on contact since 8th December. I have not emailed him since before christmas nor text since New Years day. I have not told him that he has competition or that he is risking losing me. I have said nothing at all.

The Man I am enjoying a regular exchange with. Nearly every day he sends me a chatty email about his day etc. I reply to this then wait for his next email. He has begun sending me email jokes too 5 today alone! Some days, ok most days he sends me a text even if its only a joke. I reply to this. On the days he doesn't make contact at all (like yesterday) I resist the temptation to email or text him. Today he was working from home, this morning he sent me a text joke, this resulted in an exchange of text.

geordie in amsterdam goes to a prostitute & asks how much? she says 350euro, fella says 'I'll give yi 500 if yi let iz do it geordiestyle'. she agrees & afterwards she says , 'that was great sex but can yu tell me what the geordiestyle bit was?' he replies 'can i give you that 500 next week pet?' xx

my reply ...............remind me to avoid Newcastle.

This afternoon I checked my emails ............................5 from The Man

I hadn't been home for very long this evening when I got a text 'fancy a chat? xx'

I didn't find the text until 10 minutes after it was sent. I replied ok

About 10 minutes later my phone rang. He had missed my reply and was disappointed until he found it. we didn't talk for long as I have a sore throat today. It was also a bad line and the screeching on the line was getting on my nerves. Before we finished chatting he slipped in.

'keep the emails coming they are fun'

'like me .................I will grow up one day!'

'no don't ..........there is no room for grown ups in this world.'

I think perhaps he likes me just a tiny bit ;)
Tonight I have been on the dating site, not to see who is there but to let him see that I have been 'online in the last 24 hrs'. I also wanted to change my photo as it is awful but because I am not paid up it will only allow me to have one photo.................brainwave!! I have deleted it and uploaded a better one (Rach's favourite). Whilst I was doing that I got a request to chat on the site's IM but as I am not subscribed I can't do that.

Tomorrow when I am less tired I shall rejoin the free site where I found Romeo and create a new profile.

It is time to let the fun begin (once this rotten sore throat has gone that is).

Scared

My confidence is good
My belief in myself higher than ever before in my life
I know my personality is good
Frequently I am called 'lovely'
I am cheerful
I am humourous

But why am I scared?

I am scared because I dislike my body
Like most women I have never been happy with my body, but as much as I dislike it now, I hated being skinny even more.

When I was playing the field it wasn't such an issue, my sexual partners were using me as much as I was using them but it was only sex. They taught me that not all men only want women with perfect figures. There are many men who like a woman with a fuller figure. But that was fine, we would initially meet for a drink or a meal but after that it was mostly sex and friendship.

But now that I am not and have not been in the market for a relationship based on sex, for a long time, there are a whole new set of fears.

Now that I am in the market for a serious relationship I am scared that my personality won't be enough. I am scared that no matter how much we might get on he might take one look at me and say no.

I know that if I am not happy with my body then need to do something about it. I have been trying to lose weight. I am still trying to follow the diet that I started in the Autumn of 2007 but I am not managing to get to the gym. I keep trying to get to the gym, but working full time then getting home cooking etc I am too tired to go to the gym.

In my heart of hearts I know that any man worth having will accept me as I am. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. I think that is why I am happy to let thing continue to progress slowly with The Man. We continue to exchange emails and text most days, there has been no further talk of meeting although I have no doubt that we will meet soon.

Coffee?

A few days ago I told the story of how The Man first contacted me. We have been exchanging emails since 16th December. We have been exchanging texts since 28th December. We have even had a few telephone conversations (always followed by a thank you text or email).

I mentioned that I had been reading the advice Dani was getting from her male friend. He advised keeping the man waiting for a reply. So I followed that advice, on Tuesday. I received a text from The Man just before 8pm after I had sent him a joke from Rae. My natural instinct was to reply there and then but I didn't. I waited an hour and then another. By the time I was ready to settle for the night I hadn't heard from him again and although I really wanted to reply I figured that as it was now late it could wait until the morning.

In the morning there was still nothing. I decided to send him a simple text. Not saying much more than drive carefully. (I knew this was to be his first day back at work). Within minutes I received a long text back. Later there were a couple of joke emails from him.

This morning there was another long text telling me he was working from the office today and that in Feb he has to go to Switzerland for business.

This evening as I was stuck in traffic going home from work (the journey that normally takes about 30 mins took more than an hour) I was sat behind a car that was the same make as The Man had told me he drives. I followed this car until it turned off at the last turning before mine. By now I had convinced myself that this could be The Man. So I text him asking if his car is blue and was the reg **** *** . Half an hour later.................

Fancy a chat? x

okay

It wasn't long before my phone rang. We chatted he told me about the type of business his company is in. He told me that it wasn't his car I had been folllowing. But he told me he would have turned down that road then taken the first right then left. He lives in the same road as Charlie. He asked me what I was cooking, he told me that spaghetti is his favourite food.

I must go now I have to phone my daughter.

ok lol

We should have a coffee together, we have done the emails and the text and we have talked on the phone, we should meet soon for a coffee. Plenty of notice though. lol

Six months lol.

lol

Then about half an hour later another text.

lovely chat LiR. when I said coffee read 'drink' of your choice.........within reason I should say. x

So it looks like I will be meeting The Man sometime soon.

Btw I was chatting with Forest last night who seems to be very solicitous at the moment.

The Man

New Year,

new start?

maybe, who knows.

Not sure if I did mention it, I think I did but not going to go back looking. A few months ago I mentally gave myself a date. A deadline for Romeo to prove to me that things will improve. I never told him this. But as you can probably guess now that deadline was New Year. I have heard nothing from Romeo since early December. No Christmas message, no New Year message, nothing. Yet I still believe in him, I still love him, I believe that there will be a very good reason he hasn't been in touch. (A reason he can't tell me about). I still hope that it won't be too long before the work he is doing will change. He did tell me that he will stop doing this work, although he loves what he does he can give it up, he won't continue forever. But he didn't say when he might change to something more home based. I love this man very much, I can't imagine being with another man.

I am still very much in love with Romeo, as I was told last week 'to the point of excluding anyone else from your life'. I am not sure how accurate that is. Now this post is titled 'The Man' because Cheekydani has asked for more details about the man who suprised me with a call on New Year's Eve. This is even more cheeky of her because she knows more about him than anyone else. Due to a little chat we had online just prior to xmas, when she was positively encouraging me to be cheeky and move things on with him.

Ok you want to know more.

At the start of December I received an email out of the blue from a man I had never heard of. I nearly deleted it but decided to check it out. It was from The Man. It simply said that he had read my profile on a dating site. (something I had done before I found Romeo, an awful profile with a dreadful photo). The profile said that I can't read messages (I am not subscribed) but gave very heavy clues to reach my email address. He hoped that his email had reached me. I didn't reply or delete it but next day I read it again and replied that it had reached me and would he like to tell me something about himself. I had no idea where he was or age or anything just a name.

A few hours later he had replied telling me various things about himself. Not only is he in my age bracket ie he had a birthday a few days earlier making him 2 .1/4 yrs older than me, but lives in my town. Divorced! He mentioned keeping fit for his hobby (a sports official) this led me to mention the only sporting venue I visit these days, it turns out that he officiates at this venue as their longest serving official. Suddenly I knew who he was although I only knew his first name before. I logged onto the dating site and searched him out and yes there is a photo on there and he is the person I thought he was.

Anyway to cut a long story short, since then we have been exchanging emails most days. I have not been initiating them just wait for his email then reply. He has a good sense of humour which is essential for me. He is very family orientated, appears to like my humour. When I didn't have the internet for a few days over xmas(twice!!). I was reading his emails on my mobile phone, which did give me the option to reply but although I could change the subject I couldn't type in the message box. so I gave him my mobile number. This was appreciated and now gave us the added option of text messages and he phoned me too. On New Year's Eve I was suprised to get a call from him as I wasn't expecting it. He said he was going to text me but decided to call instead. neither of us have mentioned meeting but I think it will happen. Last night in my email I answered a couple of the things he had said with comments that will let him know I am not just a frumpy middle aged woman but a sexy one too.

Now where does all this leave me? I am in love with a man who is never around. There is a local man who is showing interest and whilst he is not someone I would look at and say wow I really fancy him, he does seem to be very nice. I keep telling myself that I have to let go of Romeo and see who else is out there. It is not going to be easy, I still keep hoping that Romeo will come good for me. Part of me thinks it would be unfair on The Man to start seeing him when I am still in love with Romeo. It would be like saying he is only second best and nobody deserves to be second best. But on the other hand if I don't see anyone else I will never let go of my love for Romeo. I would not be fair on myself to wait indefinitely for a love that may never happen.

Part of me wants to email Romeo and tell him that he has failed to meet my deadline and I am now going to see someone else. But I think I shall do nothing, I shall continue to chat to The Man and see where it leads to. If Romeo wants me then he has to make his move without being prompted by me. As for The Man, I am happy to see where this takes me but I am following his lead, I am not going to chase him. As with Romeo, if he wants me then he has to make the move.

worse than an episode of Hollyoaks

I have never seen Hollyoaks but when I was explaining to DC the latest goings on in my family as opposed to our family. He coented that it was worse than Hollyoaks.



It was mid evening on Saturday, my family is different to Eastenders our dramas happen after Christmas day. My mum rang to ask for my advice. My advice!! She wanted MY ADVICE!!!



She had had a call from my brother D who wanted her to take in his step son G (20). his fiancee, and his daughters A (4) and (J) 2 plus new baby who may or may not be his child but the girls are the baby's sisters. (I don't even know if baby is a boy or girl or when it was born). G was just 16 when he became a father, by the time he was 18 he and his g/f had a second daughter. At various times in the last few years there has been drama with this little family. The little girls's mother comes from a family well known by the local police. There have been threats at knife point. Staged burglaries, court battles for custody. It has all been more incredible than any fiction.



Finally after several break ups the young couple broke up last spring. It then transpired that there was another baby on the way although G was certain he wasn't the father. Eventually due to the mother's instability and neglect G was given custody of his two girls. The mother insisted that she wanted G to also have the new baby when it was born. We didn't believe he would or should take on the third baby but apparently he has.



This last drama was because G now has all three children with him at his new council flat where he lives with his new fiancee. I don't know what sparked it but the mother was threatening to kill the family and the police wanted them out of the area. They all live about an hour away from us so my mother was considered to be the obvious place for them to go.



The advice my mum wanted was should she take them in? To me there was no question. If I had room I would have had them here but there is just no way there was room for them here. But my mum lives alone in a three bedroom house although she only has one spare bed (single). The two little girls could have snuggled in there together whilst G and his partner could sleep on the sofa and arm chairs keeping the baby with them. There was an occasion during my divorce when the police had asked me to leave our house for the night and we had slept in the arm chairs/sofa at my mum's. so I know it is possible. But apparently it was the experience of my divorce that has put my mum off she feels she has been through enough family drama and this little family although she is 'great granny' to these girls and they have been to her house just a few weeks earlier, they are not 'our family'.



As it turned out other arrangements were made and the little family didn't need to stay with mum.



If that little drama was not enough there was heartbreak on Sunday when Charlie finished with DC after almost 5 years. He was upset but is surviving (with a few hugs from his mummy).





By the way it is now midnight so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!




Oh and I had a pleasant suprise this evening when my phone rang ;)

A quick update

I gather that the young family have gone upto the big smoke to stay with another relative.

I have been asked if my unexpected call was from Romeo, the short answer is no, I would have been much more enthusiastic than 'a pleasant suprise' if it had been Romeo. No this was from a possible new man in my life. I have not thought of a name for him yet so I shall just call him 'the man' for the moment. we are taking things very slowly. He is only a couple of years my senior, lives in my town possibly less than a mile from me. I know who he is but he doesn't remember me. We have been in contact every day for the last three weeks apart from a gap of a few days when he was very busy in the run up to xmas.