Monday, 27 August 2007

changing my mind

why had I changed my mind you asked me

I didnt exactly change my mind, that would mean I had decided never to meet you. I had never made that decision. though I was happy having you as my friend. If Im going to be totally honest your picture is not a good one so it didn't make me feel I had to meet you urgently. But I try to keep an open mind so that would not have stopped me from meeting you. Besides I have found that mostly the men I have the best chemistry with are not the best looking. But why was I not getting around to meeting you? This is going to be difficult to put into words that make any sense to anyone but me.

I enjoyed chatting to you. I felt I could tell you anything, you didn't judge me, you enjoyed my adventures, you helped me to work out how I felt about people, events etc. you laughed at my humour, you encouraged me when I was feeling either low or in a strange mood. Sometimes when I described something I had done or wanted to try you would tell me you would like to try those things with me. I let those comments pass. I didn't grab hold of them and turn them into an opportunity as I could have done. You asked me if I wanted your mobile number but I let that chance slide by without comment. I don't know how you felt when I did that. It wasn't that I didn't want your number, there were times I wished I did have it.

There were times when I thought about what it would be like if I met you. Part of me wanted to meet this man who I had become very fond of. A bigger part of me was scared. Now I understand why I was scared and I understand that I am still scared. Another reason we didn't meet sooner is that you passed comments about wanting to do things with me but you never once asked to meet me. If you had asked me out right to meet up I would have agreed but you didn't. You still don't ask to see me, you either accept or decline when I mention it. You told me very little about yourself, oh I knew about you doing work on your house, your cats and that you have 4 children. eventually you told me that you see a woman sometimes, you have a good time with her. but you dont get together as often as you would like. The more I learnt about you the more I knew that if we met I would like you. I was coming to the stage of not wanting to play the field anymore. I wanted a more steady relationship in my life. I didn't and still don't think I am ready for a full on
relationship but I wanted someone who I could go out and do things with sometimes. Someone i could sometimes wake up with instead of always waking up alone. I thought from our conversations that you knew this. We even talked about me needing to find a single man who could give me more time than just the occasional tumble in the bedroom. sometimes I wondered if you were telling me to read between the lines and
accept that you are single and would like to be that person. But I was never sure if I was imagining this.

As the months passed and we didn't meet but I was becoming more fond of you the more scared I became of meeting you. I didn't want to meet you and find that I really liked you but it wasn't reciprocated. when we did meet I knew I liked you. I am not going to say that it was love at first sight it wasn't. but during that first time as we sat drinking our glasses of cola I found myself warming to you, you are much better looking than your picture shows. But it wasn't your looks that got me it was you, your manner, your quiet confidence tinged with a little uncertainty. As you know I was mesmerised by your lovely eyes, I could just gaze into those pastel blue eyes of yours for hours. There is nothing brash about you, you are trully a
gentle man. when your hand brushed my knee it felt so good. When you kissed me goodbye with your hand on my waist it felt so good I can still feel that touch now all these months later.

But it was the next day when we met for a walk that you really caught me. I can't pin point the moment, was it when you took hold of my hand as we walked, was it when we stopped to kiss that first time. I could have stood there by that pond forever but reaching up to you was hurting my neck a little and it can't have been too good for you, being so much taller than me. was it when we wandered off through the trees. I know that by the time your hands were roaming over my body as we stood amongst the trees you had me hooked. My body gave me away even if my words didn't. I still can't believe I was so arouse just by being with you that my juice was running down my legs even before your hand found the hem of my skirt.

If my behaviour since then has been irratic, sometimes my mood has been good sometimes frantic it is only because you confuse me so much. I don't understand what it is that makes me feel the way I do. But more than that I have no idea how you feel, are you glad we met or do you regret it. Do you like me for me or do you just want the sex we have. If we could talk more like we used to I would feel better but in the absence of your words my mind fills in the blanks and that can be pretty horrendous at times.I really am scared of my feelings and the implications they bring.