I am who I am

Relax ....release .....let go!

I read these words on Mel's blog and it reminded me of something that was said to me last summer.

Remember Dylan ? I saw him a few times during the summer. He was a bit of an oddball but he seemed pleasant enough and he liked kissing me, holding hands and cuddling. So because he liked those things I will forgive him for being a total ummm what can I call him ok I will just say a total Dylan.

Anyway Dylan was a qualified counsellor...........um alarm bells should have begun ringing straight away. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a counsellor after all some of my closet friends are also in that line of work.

He had a knack of getting me to open up. He would say something in an email that would open up the flood gates. I would start writing a brief reply and end up pouring out my soul. It was very cleansing for me and he said that he was glad that I had felt able to tell him the things I did. He said that he often seems to have this effect on women. That's good it wasn't just me then.

During our face to face conversations I would be telling anecdotal tales and would mention something about my ex or my illness etc. He told me that I should mentally put my ex into a box tied with ribbon, place it on a river and let it float away. Ok I can see that this could be useful. But I was not about to do this. I can understand that he was trying to help. He wanted me to forget about my past and move on. Yeah I get that really I do. I also get that he saw my ex as my baggage.

I don't know about you other girls and boys who are dating but a lot of people talk about baggage. Either declarations of not having any or not wanting to meet someone with baggage.

Now I figure that some people might perceive me as having a lot of baggage. Personally I don't think I have any baggage.

I have children (young adults really) but they will never be considered baggage by me, why should any child/young adult be given such a label?

I have a past life .............doh so has everyone unless they just suddenly woke up from a deep coma. If you are the real Sleeping Beauty I apologise for being so dismissive.

I can understand that it could be classed as baggage if events in your past make you bitter. But for me and I would assume most normal people my past is just that 'my past' I don't and won't pretend I don't have a past (even if I prefer not to mention some things). I won't pretend that my life has been easy, that the challenges I have been through didn't exist.

Everything in my past (distant or recent) good or bad, are a part of me. It is the past that has made me the person I am today. The things that happen today or in the near future will shape who I am in years to come. If I hadn't gone through the difficult marriage, cancer, difficult divorce, financial problems, rape or any of the other things that have occurred in my life I would not be the person I am now.

I hope that my past has shaped me into a good, caring, happy individual with a zest for life and a willingness to try many things.

Without the traumas of my past I might possibly be a very shy withdrawn person who lives through her children but has no life as a person, no personality, no sparkle just a drab lump of being.

If my past is baggage then I celebrate my baggage.

Dylan's final words were that I told him too much...........if he didn't want to know he shouldn't have encouraged me to open up so much, so thoroughly, so painfully. I know I am very open, but I have never told any one person so much as I did in those emails (replies to his probing). There were times when I made a simple comment and his reaction was far too deep. He needs to learn not to analyse everything anyone says so deeply and just accept that some things need to be taken at face value. It was his probing and constant analysing of everything I said that led to my revelations that were too much for him.

At the end of the day I am who I am whether you call it baggage or not.

Just how New Years Day should be

After a late night and no I was not out partying I was at home with one of my sons while the others were all out enjoying themselves.

I slept in, had a very vivid dream about Mr Passionate. In which I had sent him no less than 4 New Year Text messages so of course he just had to come and find me. No it was not a naughty dream ...well ok it was naughty if you count the fact that he is married and in this dream he was surrounded by 3 yes 3 former lovers. but the actual content of the dream was not naughty.

When I finally awoke from my slumbers I figured I should email him to wish him a Happy New Year and hope that all is going well in his life since he moved out of the area. I had purposefully not done so last night, I even half thought I might have deleted him from my contacts during my most recent culling of names I no longer speak to.

This led to some blog writing yes this is my second post on here in two days. I have also written posts on all my other blogs ................get the Dr I must be ill. So much writing in one day, I have not done that in a long time.

By lunch time I had decided that today would be what is known as a pyjama day (for me at least). My sons were going to their father's for dinner or was it lunch (3pm) but first the 3 eldest boys went to visit my mother to help her move furniture around to make life easier for her when she comes home from hospital. She goes in on Monday morning (I have to get her there for 7am) for her latest knee op. DC drove them there and later took them to their dad's so I didn't need to get up as I wasn't going anywhere. Once I had finished writing and reading blogs I ran myself a hot soapy bath and managed to relax among the frothy bubbles for 40 minutes.

I am now dressed, even bothered to put on make up and jewellery, my curry is in the oven and I am about to paint my nails which I have not done for months (probably before the summer). No I am still not going anywhere but who says I can't dress up and look my best just to lounge around indoors with my sons who have now returned home.

Bliss ...............music playing on the radio and a glass of spiced rum and coke at the ready.

And Now its New Year already

Its New Years Eve again ................how did I get here so soon?
I have been off work for a whole week......a whole week I can't believe it. All those plans I had for writing and walking, going into the office for a few hours to get work prepared for the new year. where has the time for all that gone?

Boxing Day I had a few hours of solitude while the offspring were with their other parent. Ideal time to write. I cleared the kitchen did some laundry tried to get some inspiration, resorted to reading my new book of humourous quotes. Nothing! I was just getting my second mince pie of the season when the phone rang......can you pick us up now please.

The rest of the week has been no better. If I wasn't giving ET a lift into work or shopping (yes I have visited asda and sainsburys) I was paying money into the bank (not only mine). Oh I did get myself some new shoes in the M & S sales. Surely you didn't think I would get through the week without some new shoes ..............purple ones to go with all my purple tops. I do like to be colour co-ordinated didn't you know. I have visited my mother several times and done a few errands for her. Including taking her to hospital for her pre op blood test.

Mother did tell me yesterday as I drove her home in her car........you are a good girl doing all this for me. ha ha I do try to be good when I can (I'm not naughty all the time).....I have accepted that I have reached that time in my life when I am still running around after my children but now also my parent (I only have one left). Nobody needs to know of the not so good thoughts I sometimes harbour.

I was just chatting to Forest comparing notes about conversations we have needed to have with our respective eldest child during the festive season. I told him that these are the times I hate being a parent. His reply ..........'these are the times they need us to be parents'. You see this is why I adore Forest not just for his body but he is also great to talk to. Even if he has got wharped ideas at times. Earlier I received a missed call (it rang once) from a very strange number obviously not a British phone number so I googled it. To my suprise I got a result..........a female filipino looking for hotel work. Forest predictably suggested hiring her to earn money for me.

It hasn't all been running around after others I did go out for lunch with Plumber on Tuesday. It was nice to spend a few hours together with no pressure of time or anything else just talking eating and drinking. I amost forgot that I had promised to collect ET from work at 5.30 it was 5.20 when I realised and we were sitting in Plumbers car chatting up on Winchester Hill in the growing dark. We quickly drove off to fetch ET (he only had to wait 10 mins or so). A quick kiss before I ran indoors. I had forgotten what it is like to kiss him. We have agreed not to wait so long before we go out again.

I won't pretend any of us received or gave many presents this year but Christmas day was good and we all appreciated what we did get, but I do want to share one gift with you. It is probably the loveliest gift I have ever been given.



Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminded that I have some wonderful and generous friends too. Which has led me to realise what my New Year resolution must be.

My New Year Resolution is to accept help when it is offered. I did think another resolution might be to actually ask for help but on considering that I realised that to expect that might be asking a little too much.

Here is my favourite photo from Christmas Day. After my mother's first visit to my house in a long time (she can't manage the stairs very easily and our bathroom is upstairs) I took her home we both forgot her basket but our cat Nipper decided to adopt it.

Family steps

It has been a tiring week, a good one but tiring all the same.

Work has continued to be good, I am enjoying my work again just as I used to do.

Preparations for the exodus have been stepped up a gear. (Nagging increased too). DC was quite happy with his idea that he would just load everything into my car as it was, no boxes or bags required!!!!! I had brought some boxes home from work for him to use. I told him that my job was to ensure he had the essentials and be his driver on the day but packing was down to him.

Thursday evening I took him to visit my mum so that he could tell her a bit about his american trip before we went shopping. She presented him with a cheque to keep him going for the first few weeks (student finance is still pending). He insisted that our trip to Asda would be quick as he wanted to visit Charlie. We didn't leave there until 10.15pm and over £100 later with a trolley laden with "essentials" and even some food (cereal, pasta, long life milk etc). He didn't get to see Charlie that night.

On Friday I decided that as two of my boys are over the legal age to drink and I have never bought either of them a drink we would all go out for a drink when I finished work. We drove up onto the hill so that they could see the view over the city as they drank. Would you believe it .....everyone of them had Appletiser!! .....well that was a cheap round for mum. It was interesting though to hear DC and ET giving OJ advice about beer and alcho pop drinks. DC is concerned that OJ will be a wet rag during his Freshers week. Neither of us want him to sit alone in his room while the other students are out enjoying themselves. Later at home DC gave OJ a bottle of beer to try, he wasn't impressed with the taste but did a very good impression of a drunk leaning against the wall. I was struck by how accurate his impression was of how his dad used to be. I had completely forgotten what the staggering had been like. Obviously OJ hadn't forgotten, I was very shocked by this act.

DC and I had agreed that we would leave early on Saturday morning as he didn't have a specific time slot for moving in (unlike OJ), especially as Southampton FC which is just a stones throw from his Halls of residence, were playing at home. However he didn't appear until about 10am and still needed to pack my car. He thought we would need to make two trips but I managed to get it all in. The forecast had been for showers but it was hot and sunny (27 according to my car at one point and 24 for much of the time). Finally he was in his new home with his belongings and I left him at 1.45pm. (during the afternoon I got a series of texts telling me the things he had forgotten but wanted). So that is one son stepping out on his own to begin the next stage in his life. Next week we repeat the process with OJ.

Last weekend ET discovered a function on his mobile phone that allows him to turn his wallpaper into a pedometre. We both have Sony Ericsson phones so he has changed mine too. Each day we have had to compare how many steps each of us has taken during the day. (not so easy for me as most of my clothes are pocket less.) There have been many times I have left my phone on my desk/bed forgetting to carry it with me. Anyway I have made a concerted effort to make sure that each day I reach or exceed the final total of the previous day. Having a job that is desk based doesn't lend itself to a particularly active life. But my determination not to have a bad day has encouraged me to walk more than I would otherwise do (no bad thing). After yesterday with trips to and from my car, a tour of Halls, a trip into town centre with OJ to choose his first pair of glasses, followed by a wander round Asda kept my total for yesterday quite healthy. So today I was trying to figure out how I was going to keep up my record. It occurred to me that I could go for a walk somewhere, but where?

I decided to take the boys on a mystery tour, they wanted to watch the football on tv but came anyway. It was the first time I had been to Winchester Hill in daylight (each time Plumber has taken me there it has been dark). It had been overcast all day but I was convinced it would still be relatively warm. I hadn't banked on the drizzle we were greeted with. Even with the low grey cloud and drizzle we could still see a very long way into the distance towards Southampton. We walked to the iron age fort and back, a good hour plus which gave me not only a healthy total on my pedometre but also a healthy red glow too. I was shattered by the time we arrived back home to the aroma of casserole and baked potatoes almost ready.

During this coming week more steps will be taken by this family, both on our pedometres and as my boys move nearer to their future lives. This time next week OJ will be in his new home and ET will be about to set out on his next adventure.

wooohooo

The sun is shining and I feel good

I had a lovely evening last night with a friend (ok he did spoil it a bit at the end by telling me he he really wants me always has). He knows I will only ever be his friend, someone he can talk to. He is one of these people who everyone else turns to with their problems, I am the one he can turn to ocassionally when there is nobody else.

I am in a good mood, things with the butterfly man have been put to rest. We can be friends, we both know there is a spark there but it isn't going to be lit. Instead we will work together to do more business, it makes more sense, the more business he gives me the better prices I can give him, both businesses benefit.

DC arrived home from his travels yesterday. He has lots of tales to tell, he says his trip was amazing. After being away for 28 days we will just about get used to him being back when he will be gone again. I can't believe that this time next week I will be taking him to Uni.

All this is good but the icing on the cake has to be the letter I just got from my MP. He enclosed a letter from Rt Hon Stephen Timm MP.

"In this case HMRC failed their responsibilities and LIR has at all times provided the correct information regarding her income and circumstances. She therefore met her responsibilities and I am pleased to say that HMRC have reviewed this case and have written off the overpayments. all her acounts are now balanced with no overpayments. .................They have therefore now repaid the incorrectly recovered amount of ****** . HMRC confirm that no further recoveries are being made from LIR's award."

They have also apologised for sending me both incorrect and confusing information and apologise for any worry and distress their mistakes have caused.

I am so glad that they had made me so angry that I wrote to my MP about this. If I had just accepted that I owed them money and must pay it back, I would still be paying them a lot of money I can't afford to lose. .............................Go me ..................I got something right for once in my life

vacation

off to sunny Norfolk for a week

worse than an episode of Hollyoaks

I have never seen Hollyoaks but when I was explaining to DC the latest goings on in my family as opposed to our family. He coented that it was worse than Hollyoaks.



It was mid evening on Saturday, my family is different to Eastenders our dramas happen after Christmas day. My mum rang to ask for my advice. My advice!! She wanted MY ADVICE!!!



She had had a call from my brother D who wanted her to take in his step son G (20). his fiancee, and his daughters A (4) and (J) 2 plus new baby who may or may not be his child but the girls are the baby's sisters. (I don't even know if baby is a boy or girl or when it was born). G was just 16 when he became a father, by the time he was 18 he and his g/f had a second daughter. At various times in the last few years there has been drama with this little family. The little girls's mother comes from a family well known by the local police. There have been threats at knife point. Staged burglaries, court battles for custody. It has all been more incredible than any fiction.



Finally after several break ups the young couple broke up last spring. It then transpired that there was another baby on the way although G was certain he wasn't the father. Eventually due to the mother's instability and neglect G was given custody of his two girls. The mother insisted that she wanted G to also have the new baby when it was born. We didn't believe he would or should take on the third baby but apparently he has.



This last drama was because G now has all three children with him at his new council flat where he lives with his new fiancee. I don't know what sparked it but the mother was threatening to kill the family and the police wanted them out of the area. They all live about an hour away from us so my mother was considered to be the obvious place for them to go.



The advice my mum wanted was should she take them in? To me there was no question. If I had room I would have had them here but there is just no way there was room for them here. But my mum lives alone in a three bedroom house although she only has one spare bed (single). The two little girls could have snuggled in there together whilst G and his partner could sleep on the sofa and arm chairs keeping the baby with them. There was an occasion during my divorce when the police had asked me to leave our house for the night and we had slept in the arm chairs/sofa at my mum's. so I know it is possible. But apparently it was the experience of my divorce that has put my mum off she feels she has been through enough family drama and this little family although she is 'great granny' to these girls and they have been to her house just a few weeks earlier, they are not 'our family'.



As it turned out other arrangements were made and the little family didn't need to stay with mum.



If that little drama was not enough there was heartbreak on Sunday when Charlie finished with DC after almost 5 years. He was upset but is surviving (with a few hugs from his mummy).





By the way it is now midnight so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!




Oh and I had a pleasant suprise this evening when my phone rang ;)

A quick update

I gather that the young family have gone upto the big smoke to stay with another relative.

I have been asked if my unexpected call was from Romeo, the short answer is no, I would have been much more enthusiastic than 'a pleasant suprise' if it had been Romeo. No this was from a possible new man in my life. I have not thought of a name for him yet so I shall just call him 'the man' for the moment. we are taking things very slowly. He is only a couple of years my senior, lives in my town possibly less than a mile from me. I know who he is but he doesn't remember me. We have been in contact every day for the last three weeks apart from a gap of a few days when he was very busy in the run up to xmas.

Wet

Saturday I got wet.



Saturday my mum had decided that she wanted me to drive around with her as I delivered packages to various people from the groups she belongs to. The idea was that I would call round mid afternoon and be her delivery service, a chance for her to get out of the house for a while. I would drive her car as it has been stood on her drive not moving for 2 weeks.



That was the intention, this is what happened.



A lie in for me as I lay on my bed listening to the wind and rain. Eventually I made myself move and had a long hot bath, the water was too hot, I felt a little off colour from the heat. Finally I forced myself to dry my hair before venturing out into the bad weather. OJ and ET insisted I drive them to thier dad's for dinner. (nobody had told me about this). JA had already gone on his bike. DC was finishing his game then having a bath before driving to his dad's place to join the rest of them.



Having walked down the path to my car my hair is damp and windswept. Arriving in the road where my mum lives I drive around the block twice before parking across her drive. There just isn't anywhere else to park. So we have to go out in my car, I don't have a problem with that. As I am helping mum into my car I am getting steadily wetter. I drive back to my side of the town where I am delivering the first package. Now if I was delivering something to one of my friends/aquaintances in this weather it would be a quick drop off. But not this time, I find myself face to face with an immaculately dressed lady who wans to know how mum is. I am now past smoothing my hair into my chosen style. Next its a stop in the next road, a bigger package and a message to pass on. I am about to give up on the lady of the house and attempt to push the package through the letter box. When the door opens. As I stand there dripping in the rain she explains that she had been upstairs. Explanation over she then goes on to ask me how mum is, from her relatively dry hall as I continued to stand in the rain talking to someone I don't know as she waves wildly towards my mother who isn't even looking.



Next stop the letter box, thankfully it doesn't want to ask how mother is.



Another stop and I'm invited to step inside where I chat to the kindly gentleman who ferried mother to the Dr's and later back to the Hospital on Friday for the removal of stitches - but thats another story. Both him and his wife don coats and a large brolley to come out in the rain to speak to mum and tell her the tale of the president's sister fainting during Thursday evening's Dinner in a local Hotel. But thats another story.



Next back to mother's for a cuppa and a chance to dry off a little. Once I had dried out a bit I set off to Asda to buy essentials for the weekend. Again I got wet!! But as I meandered around at leisure just buying a few items instead of a half weekly shop (I don't do a full weeks shop the boys eat it all ). OJ rang me from home, it seems they had returned home to rain in the kitchen.



Someone had left the bathroom tap running, the basin had overflowed and water was cascading through the kitchen ceiling. OJ seems to be more intent on finding out who is responsible than in mopping up the bathroom floor to prevent more water ending up in the kitchen. Numerous towels later and the heating on full blast the floors and ceiling now appear to be dry, there is no ominous bulge in the kitchen, so I am hoping there has been no lasting damage.



Today I was expecting the arrival of an electrician to find out why our shower is not working. Mid afternoon I received a call on my phone (which I had stowed in my cleavage to free my hands as I visited the warehouse). The electrician was in Reading of all places and wouldn't get to us today as there had been an accident on the motorway. I have now accepted an appointment for him to come on Thursday (he couldn't come Friday with the 'window man'). But I did manage to confirm that Window man is booked for Friday morning.

two very different days I don't want to repeat

All week I have had trouble sleeping with this rotten cough. Each morning I have woken feeling dreadful.

Thursday I knew from the outset was going to be a hard day workwise. It isn't helped by the fact that I have become used to having my early mornings to myself, being up and out before any other member of the family. Every 4 or 5 weeks DC is working the early shift 8am until 4pm, but he still doesn't need to be up and about as early as me as he works closer to home. As from last week JA was back at school which means I must make sure he is up and out of bed before I leave the house. Then at the start of this week ET started college, for the first couple of days he had to catch the 9am train so that wasn't so bad but Thursday and Friday it was the 8am train. Wednesday OJ went back to college, catching the same trains as ET. This has been DC's week to work early. So the last few days have seen all 5 of us getting in each other's way as we get ready for the day ahead. aaaaagggrrrrrrr.

Thursday morning I was sorting myself out when ET got to the shower before me, drat that is going to put me behind schedule. Plus I need to go to the garage on the way to work to get some money. SF was meant to call round on wednesday evening (he even rang to tell me he was bringing me not only the money he had borrowed but the £100 he pays me each month) he didn't turn up. Whilst I was waiting for ET to finish in the shower I heard the travel news a lorry had over turned on the motorway diversions were in place. I text PB in case she hadn't heard it. By the time I had showered and dressed I was later leaving than I had wanted considering the possible traffic problem. At the garage there was only one person serving and a couple of customers taking for ever. Finally setting off I could see as I came down the hill towards the motorway that already the traffic was slowing down even though the overturned lorry was at the far end of the motorway just where it becomes an A road.

I wasn't going to sit in that! I diverted myself to go up over the hill but there was more traffic than normal for that time in the morning going that way. Obviously others had the same idea. As the road crossed the motorway I could see below me 4 lanes of stationary red lights. As the hill road climbed higher I joined the back of the traffic crawling along at 20mph but at least we were moving unlike the traffic below. Because it was still early and the weather dull I could see lines of headlights trying unsucessfully to escape the city, while similar lines of red lights sat waiting to circumnavigate the same city. Turning on my radio I heard that the overturned lorry contained gas canisters, an exclusion zone of 200m was being implemented. Nothing was moving in either direction down there.Meanwhile the traffic on the hill had become stop start as other vehicles tried to join us from the various lanes that criss cross my favourite road. Eventually I arrived at work after an hour (a journey that would normally take me 20 minutes). Every road in the area had become gridlocked. Boss Lady is usually in the office by 7.30 didn't arrive until after 8.30. It didn't matter which direction you came from you had to get caught in the problems.

By the time I arrived at work I was feeling quite poorly, at first I thought I was out of breath but soon realised that even with my cold my breathing was fine but my heart was beating 20 to the dozen. It took me a good half an hour to feel calm, I know this had nothing to do with the chaos on the roads, I was not stressed out about that. I was also in a lot of abdominal pain which I worked out to be trapped wind probably as a result of all the coughing I had been doing over the recent days and nights. A couple of pain killers soon eased that problem.

The office has been strained this week, with NL seemingly oblivious to the unacceptable amount of problems his incompetence has been causing. It has been noted that for one reason or another from the middle of August until the middle of October there is not one day when every member of the sales team are in the office. However it is becoming increasingly evident that NL is more of a hinderance than a help. We cannot carry on this way, something has to change. I have over the last couple of months been alarmed to discover that where I had believed myself to be very patient and enjoy teaching people on a one to one basis, I can in fact be very impatient with this young man. (as a person he is a perfectly nice young man). I try to be friendly towards him, but I CANNOT WORK WITH HIM. If it had been anyone else I could have taken some time off to get myself well again even if it was just a case of leaving a little early, but he cannot be left unsupervised. I dread to think what has occurred today while there was just him and BG(part time) and the boss. NL cannot even be trusted to take a message, it seems to be asking the impossible for him to obtain the name and company plus phone number. (there sure are a lot of "chaps" in his world).

Anyway I finally got home from work and collapsed in a heap on my bed feeling as though I had been fed through a wringer. While I dozed JA took it upon himself to feed all four boys. OJ was very impressed, as of course was I when I heard. SO Thursday was a day I don't want to repeat again in a hurry.

Today Friday was another day I don't want to repeat too soon but for very different reasons. I had sat up chatting to my mentor until gone midnight before being industriuos on my laptop, finally managing to fall asleep around 2am only to wake up at 5am Again!!! (thats every day this week). I was awake when the boys were getting ready for school/college, but too tired to get up. I dozed off again not needing to be at my mum's until later. I arrived at my mum's house in glorious warm sunshine. Managing to squeeze my car onto her drive I left the windows open about 5" to stop my car getting too hot in case DC used my car to transport people to the crematorium (I was going in the Limo).

I had plated up the food for later and was enjoying a cup of tea when my brother D his wife S and R (who I will tell you about another time, it is very complicated)all arrived. As we sat chatting the clouds burst open just then DC and JA arrived running from DC's car, they were soaked. Everyone kept telling me that my car windows were open, tossing my keys to DC he turned and ran back out to close my windows for me. Poor lad when he came back in he was soaked to the skin. My mum tried to dry him off with her hair dryer but that wasn't working so I suggested we iron his shirt, that worked lol. Its a good thing we still had plenty of time. As per usual T and his wife J (Tom and Jerry as D calls them) arrived not long before we the car was due to arrive.

My Grandpa didn't follow any faith so this was not a religious funeral, we started off with some Greek music as he had always loved Greece this was followed by my mum telling the story of her dad's life. Next some quiet reflection time as we listened to some bird song to celebrate his love of the New Forest. Next the part I had been dreading, I stood in front of these people (most of them my family) and read out the memories I had written down from the times my brothers and I had spent with Grandpa as children. I have always had problems with speaking to a group of people, one or two I can manage but more than that I feel my face turning red and my eyes water. But I was prepared to give this a try in the knowledge that if it became too difficult the Funeral Director would take over for me. However I managed to keep reading to the end and apparently read it well and clearly so that even in the back row I was heard. I was complimented even on the way it was written. My memories were followed by the reading of "Death is nothing at all" by canon Henry Scott-Holland. We finished off with a rendition of "The Essex boy" Brass Band music that he loved (especially appropriate for a man born and bred in Essex).

At the end of it all I can say that it was a lovely funeral and the lady from the Nursing home who came along left saying that she wants hers to be like that. But I shall repeat that that this day s not one that I want to do again just yet.

Of the dozen funerals I have now attended this was the second that was more a family celebration of a life than a religious ceremony. Do you all know what kind of funeral you want? Will it be a burial, cremation, a green funeral, will your passing be mourned or your life celebrated? .

Its drafty here

Did I mention that my mum wanted her three children to each read out our memories of her dad at his funeral on Friday. Today she had a meeting with the Funeral Director ( a fellow Rotarian) who suggested as we will be pushed for time we should have one reading of our collective memories. So muggins has been charged with the task of writing these memories up. Mother has spoken to T and I spoke to D who has yet to come back to me with his memories.

so I have done a first draft of memories, I thought I would try it out on you lucky lot. I have decided, without conferring with the brothers, that instead of writing it as though I am describing memories to people who don't know him (we all do). I am doing it as though this is just another visit where we reminisce about the past. See what you think, does this work. your

feed back would be appreciated.





Hello Grandpa Bill,


Are you awake?


It’s LiR and I have D and T with me, we have been talking about the things we remember from when we were children. Do you remember all those times we went with you when you walked your dog Candy through woodlands and along winding farm tracks. Do you remember the treats you always carried in your pockets, there were dog biscuits for Candy and foxes glacier mints for the rest of us. As we walked along you would tell us things, sometimes it was about the countryside around us and other times your adventures on your travels. T has been remembering the humour in your stories, I always liked to hear about the time when you were stopped from boarding a plane after a visit to India, you had gone so brown that they thought you were a native.


In your younger days with your love of gardening you always had that tanned weather beaten colour, unlike these last years when you lost most of that colour through being stuck inside so much. But wasn’t it lovely for you to sit in the sun lounge when you were living at Oak Mount. Do you remember that day when a bird got inside and couldn’t escape, I was so afraid that you would have a panic attack with the fear of birds that you always had but you were brave and allowed me to encourage him to the open window.


When we were children and we stayed with you and Granny Pat, you spent a lot of time tending your garden, it was always bright with flowers, but the brightest of them all were the marigolds, proper ones not like those French ones you see so much now. We all remember sitting quietly while you watched your favourite Western Films, or if it wasn’t westerns you liked to watch Top of the pops but your favourite bit was always when those dancing girls ‘Pans People’ were dancing to the latest hit.


After you retired and moved down to the middle of nowhere, deep in the heart of Dorset , you had your work cut out for you in the form of pesky moles. You tried everything known to man to get them out of your vegetable garden. Mind you I am sure us children caused as much damage to your garden as the moles did. If we were not building a camp out of bits of wood we were chasing butterflies with our nets.


By the time you moved to Village we were all growing up and doing our own thing so we didn’t see you so much anymore. But just because we didn’t visit so often didn’t mean you were forgotten, just as you won’t be forgotten now. We all have children of our own now and you are a great grandpa to DC, OJ, ET, JA, HM, H and E. As well as those little boys in America, Uncle Rick's grand children through his adopted daughters A and S.
Grandpa Bill your memory will always live on in our hearts and in the pictures you created with your eye for detail in every painting you did. I am sure each of us will visit with you again soon so for now sleep in peace until you feel the touch on your arm to let you know we are here once again.


Your loving grandchildren LiR (Nellie as only you could call me) D and T.

Randomness

Heartburn

family bbq

indigestion

being a great aunt!!!

making new friends

coincidences

kangaroo juice

taking over the driving

watching Edinburgh Tattoo with DC and My Mum

My ex M-I-L wants to be friends "I always did like you"

This Place

There is a place, a town I have memories although most are now so distant they are just vague recollections.

There were times as childen we were bundled into the family car and drive to this town (I think it is a town as opposed to a city although it is certainly not small. How many times did we laugh as we followed the road towards the sea, there were signs pointing towards a hospital or a clinic, the years have clouded my memory. I think they were signs pointing to classes or clinics or some such for the blind. we always sniggered at that. How would the blind people they were for even see the sign. Not long after we had passed this on the left we would turn to the right side, as a girl even a girl like me who was not into girly things I was always fascinated by this place where royals of the past had stayed. how had such an exotic palace come to be in such a place as this.

There were family walks along the promenade, or if we were lucky picnics on the beach. Once or twice we were there to see the cyclists flooding in at the end of the annual bike ride from London.

Later when I was older I would go there at night with my first love and his friends to dance the night away in one of the discos. I remeber one night I was standing with a couple of FL's friends when I noticed this girl who was so very obviously a pro, trying to get friendly with FL and his best mate so I put myself between the pair of them linking arms with both of them. I don't know why I told you that but at the time I thought I was very brave (I was only 17).

then when I was engaged a year later we used to go there for the night life with friends. I always think it was funny that we celebrated my 20th birthday in a club for over 21s. A few years later I would go bowling or out for meals with a group of friends from the local pub, walking through the lanes looking in shop windows at things I would never be able to afford.

In more recent years I have had to drive there at midnight to collect DC and his drunken friends who had gone to watch a gig, the act they most wanted to see being the last on stage meant missing the last train home. On the way back driving along the main A road at full speed at about 2am I had a reaction that had DC seeing his life flashing before his eyes. I had just managed to miss a rabbit as it hurtled across the beam of my headlights.......It was my reaction of no no no nonooooooooooooooooo tht had DC worried he wasn't watching the road as he was texting at the time and thought I was going to hit another car or worse. we were both very releived when we didn't hit anything. That was a little over 2 years ago, the last time I ventured there. I have been invited a couple of times by a fellow blogger but I never went mainly because he didn't make me feel that he wanted me more that he was an option for me.

More recently I have wanted to go there to be with the man who captured my heart all those months, but there is no point in me being there if he isn't even in the country.

escape

As she watches the fat drip from the meat she is preparing for their dinner, she wonders

how did it get to be like this again?

He had just told her that he needed her to take him to football for a 9.30pm kick off. As she added the sieved tomatoes and chopped onions, her mind was ticking over. How would she be able to manage this one then. A dash of salt, a shake of black pepper a large pinch of mixed herbs, she has always enjoyed puzzles and logic problems but this could take a bit of working out.

'Couldn't you fetch 'The child' early?'

'Not possible they wil still be on the mini bus until about 9.20'.

A slug of brown sauce and a large pinch of her secret ingredient (they have never noticed). If she plans it right and they leave on time she could just do it but it would be tight. She had planned to take her time cooking after another long day at work. No rush to get dinner served tonight, she could have it ready for when she got home after collecting 'the other worker' and 'the child'. But not now, now everything she had planned was going to change. Now she needed to have dinner ready by 8.oo so that 'the man child' could eat in plenty of time to allow him to be comfortable during his time in goal. Now she would have to leave home earlier.

As she stirs the meat laden sauce she begins to plan her escape. Warnings have been issued, in 48 hours time her free taxi service is being withdrawn temporarily. She has made plans that don't include them. Adding spaghetti to boiling water she contemplates the Friday afternoon traffic as she heads towards London then on further north to a destination that promises friends, music and booze. A welcome boost to her empty social calendar. It may only be a short break but a short break from normal routine has to be refreshing, either that or she will sleep like the dead and miss all the fun again!!

I have been blessed

There is a new girl on the blog. Young bright and caring Trublmaka a close friend of Giggle formerly known as VBF (Vi's Biggest Fan). Trubl has only been blogging for a few weeks but I enjoy reading her take on life as she struggles with bringing up her young family whilst carrying her third child. The love she has for her husband is very clear to see. Trubl is one of these bloggers who tends to lurk (I know Ron hates that word thats why I am using it) rather than leave comments. But she has been reading blogs and comments avidly and has now created her own award for bloggers who she feels are blessed with a cup that runneth over.

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She has nominated 7 bloggers I am already friends with nitebyrd, Ron and Giggle, I have read Ashley Ladd a couple of times and really must add her to my blog roll. But I have to confess that I have never visited either C:) aka craig or Spikey Zora Jones although both are bloggers who are already friends with many of my friends. something I should rectify very soon. So if you were counting you will have realised that I said Trubl has nominated 7 bloggers but I have named 6 only.

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I have not been blogging as much in the last couple of days, partly due to a feeling of apathy on my part. I have so much to say but when I have been sat here in front of the screen I have not felt inclined to type anything. I have been reading all my favourite blogs but not left many comments. I go through these phases from time to time so I know it will pass soon. I have been quite tired and been taking myself off to bed earlier than usual.

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Last night I was out with my mum and her friend (White) and my three younger boys. It was the Annual, Rotary Club Quiz night. When asked a week or so earlier to give our team a name apparently the name 'Lady in Red' came into my mother's head so that was the name of our team. We didn't come last but we didn't win either we had a reasonable finishing position approximately mid table so we didn't disgrace ourselves. Mid way through the evening we were served up with fish and chips and a most delicious dessert. I don't often eat fish from a fish shop (no! I don't buy mine from the toy shop either), as I find fried fish too greasy for my taste but this was very nice although that could just be that I was extremely hungry by 8.30pm after a long day at work. At the end of the quiz the raffle draw was announced and to my surprise we won 2 prizes (that has got to be a first), a set of magnolia body lotion and something else which JA presented to my mum as it had been her birthday on Thursday. However the box of Belgian chocolates that ET collected were very quickly snuffled up by the boys.

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Whilst we were at the quiz I missed a couple of calls from Romeo (I was just so involved in the quiz that I didn't notice my phone vibrating on the table). Still it will do him good to know that I am not always sat at home waiting for him (he does know that really). But he did leave me a very nice voicemail message which I have played back on speaker more than a few times. I do love to hear his voice and just hearing him saying that he hoped I had an enjoyable evening and he would be thinking about me just made it even sweeter.

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sorry my mind was wandering a little there .......just daydreaming about my Romeo I nearly forgot why I was here.

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Oh yes I nearly forgot to tell you that Trubl names her seventh blogger to be blessed as

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Lady in Red This beautiful lady is a sign that anything is possible! If you're not already a regular, go and check out her blog to understand! I don't think I can paint a clear enough picture! But her heart comes through her words.

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Isn't that just the sweetest thing anyone could say

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Now she wants us to spread the love and bless any bloggers we think are deserving but there is one condition. We have to drop her a line to let her know we have done this so she can follow the links to the wonderful bloggers who are out there in the Bloggosphere.

Now who shall I choose.

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Pixie (yes girl its you again!!) how could I miss out my honary sister. Fellow Aries girl, she has a knack of saying things that I feel but hadn't thought of saying until she did. She is very sexy, caring and funny too, she is also very in tune with her inner feelings and often lets us have her thoughts with both barrels blazing.

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Emma yes another blogger who I have nominated a few times recently. We live at opposite ends of the country but I feel as though she lives in the next street. I so want to just pop round for a drink and a chat and probably give her a hug too. This woman has a such a great heart and hopefully she has found someone to share her heart with.

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Mei Del is a new blogger to me, she found me through a comment I had left on Pixie's blog (oddly enough using my alter ego Sexy Vixen) but she found me and thats what counts. Mei is living the dream I am only just beginning to realise could be mine. For that I thank her for showing me that even fairytales can come true.

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ronjazz is a blogger who has one of the biggest hearts I have come across in my life. even though his own life may not be running as smoothly as he wishes he has time and patience to be supportive to every one of his friends both real and online.

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I am only naming these few bloggers because I know that all my other friends have already been or will be nominated by my friends and I don't want to make it difficult for everyone else by hogging all my friends lmao does that makes sense? I know what I am trying to say but not sure if it has come across very well