catching up

Where to start?

Saturday morning I went off to put a deposit on the car DC wanted to buy. Then I had to juggle my money so that there was enough in my current account so that DC could get the insurance set up, he had to pay for two months in advance then pays nothing for two months. This meant that I was left with very little to buy food but that was ok as DC was going to pay me back in cash when he got home. I spent a couple of hours with my mum in the afternoon.

Whilst at my mums she had a phone call, I could only hear her side of it but it was very soon apparent who and what the call was.

'no SF I can't lend you any money.'

'no I am a bit short myself at the moment'

'well I can lend you £20 that I have in my purse'

'I don't want you to come here'

'no don't come here and don't try to see LiR'

'I will give the money to her so she can give it to one of the boys to give you'

'No you will have to arrange to meet one of the boys'

No prizes for working that one out. I phoned OJ who said that his dad had rung him asking if he could lend him any money.

' I told him I don't have any and nor does mum.'

Sunday was another warm sunny day, I drove DC to where his new car was, he signed on the dotted line and paid his money. I drove around the corner and waited for him to follow but he didn't then I saw him in my rear view mirror talking to the guy he had just bought the car from. A few minutes later I got a text from DC

flat battery!

Jump leads and a couple of minutes with the engine running he was ready to go. So now my son has a car that he can afford to run so he shouldn't have any need to borrow mine.

I spent my afternoon at the cinema with my mum. The Duchess was a very moving and interesting film. Kiera Knightley' Duchess was a very powerful character,you could help feel her pain and frustrations.

I ended my day by having a long conversation with Forest. The start of this conversation was quite painful for me. We were not talking about our past, that is in the past now and we have moved on. But he was asking me about Romeo. I have been finding these last few weeks hard to cope with as I had not heard from Romeo for three weeks which is longer than any other time that I have not heard from him. I am and always have been confident that I just have to be patient and he would be back and I know that as soon as I hear from him I shall be fine. But talking to Forest made the whole situation worse for me. The questions he asked (the same questions everyone myself included) put doubts in my mind that I can't afford to have there. In order to survive these absences I need to be strong and patient and have absolute faith and trust in Romeo. When someone sows these seeds of doubt in my mind it hurts me. I had to change the subject.

Oh yes thats when things began to get hot. Among other things the conversation turned to Lotto, I am not saying why or how that subject came up. But to cut a long story short I was telling Forest about my conversation with Lotto last weekend, when he tried to be my master. He was very half hearted about it and caved in to me very easily. This led to me telling Forest that he would be good at being a Master. He is a passive aggressive, or so I thought a couple of times when we were together. Well it was like a light being switched on. Forest went into Dom mode and yes I would say that he has the making of a Dom, now this is a side to him that I never saw before.

Anyway having talked to him last night and following a text I got this morning from Aunty in reply to a text I sent to her on Saturday I was feeling rather depressed and hurt about Romeo. So much so that I was feeling like he was ignoring me. I wanted to send him a text telling him that he was hurting me but I didn't I just got on with my work and plastered a smile on my face everytime I answered the phone. I am not quite sure if I mentioned the other week that another of my customers has been chatting me up. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for his email address meaning his work one but he gave me his personal email address. We have exchanged a couple of emails nothing much.

Today I was given a message to phone him as he wanted to place an order. We must have been chatting for at least half an hour as I was taking his order. During the conversation he insisted on giving me his mobile number. I text him later to let him know that his order had been packed and would be delivered tomorrow. So now he has my mobile number. Perhaps that was a mistake. I really enjoyed chatting to him and our conversation lifted my spirits. So my depression was beginning to lift so I was feeling much happier. I think this guy could be featuring here a bit more so I had better give hima name. Paulo.

To my utter suprise I got a text from Romeo at lunch time telling me he has just returned from a trip to the far east. I guess he will be getting over jet lag for the next few days so I have just replied that I had started to get worried about him. I shall just leave him be now and wait for him to contact me. Although I enjoyed chatting to Forest last night I really wish he hadn't sown the seeds of doubt in my mind.

As for Paulo, I had only been in the house for 10 minutes when he phoned me just because he wanted to hear my voice. Apparently he finds my voice very sexy and I intrigue him. We talked about families (he has been seperated 6 months) homes, he wants to get my shower fixed for me (so he can share it with me tut tut)and we talked about food, dieting and gyms. Again we chatted for a good half an hour. I have had 5 emails from him in the last hour. Ok so he wouldn't keep sending them if I didn't reply. But I do enjoy talking to him.

So now I don't know where I am at. I have such strong feelings for Romeo but I feel hurt by his lack of communications in the last two months. I guess I shall just see how things pan out with Romeo over the next few weeks. If we can't progress in the next month then there is no point in carrying on all it is doing is hurting me. It hurts me that I am beginning to feel this way because I really felt we had something special. Perhaps its just the length of his absence then what Forest was saying last night that I just can't fully shake off.

Update and accusations

I am relieved to tell you that after Monday life has settled down a little. Having talked to ET on Monday he went to college on Tuesday and seems to be in a happier place. I now think that his 'quitting college' was a knee jerk reaction to missing his train. I also think he now realises what a big step he would be making and probably not in his best interests to quit.

On the other subject, to bolster my courage I 'power dressed' for work on Tuesday to give myself more strength. In the end we didn't hear from SF at all on Tuesday. As he had said he doesn't have my phone numbers (even the house phone number was changed after he moved out). If he wants to speak to me he has to call one of our sons on their mobiles. We have all agreed that he can't stay here, that makes it easier for me knowing that our boys don't want him here. Tonight OJ had a missed call from him but none of us have spoken to him, I am still dreading his next call but I know there can only be one answer if he asks again about staying here.

On a different subject, back to that other boring topic, my work. One of our Reps made an accusation to me the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to him in a short period of time that morning. He said I was talking to him in a sexy voice and wondered why. I told him I wasn't I was just talking the way I normally do. I'm not sure he was convinced and I have not spoken to him again since. No thats not true I did speak to him again a short time later. Ok I confess I did alter my voice slightly when I answered the phone knowing it was him but I thought I was just speaking nicely. Perhaps it was more a case of what I said rather than how. The first time he called he said

'Oh hi LiR, how are you?'

'I'm fine .....all the better for speaking to you'.

my reply was just a bit of tongue in cheek fun, we have always got on ok, I have never flirted with him in any way shape or form so perhaps I caught him off guard.

So after he accused me of talking in a sexy voice, once I had denied it I had to make sure I kept my voice the same each time he called. I wonder how long I can keep this going. I have never met him as he is based in the north. Although one of our other more local Reps he lives in a small Kentish town that I knew well in my childhood, and visits our office every few months. He is not far off retirement but I can still wind him up so that he tells me I have made him 'come over all unnescessary'. Who says work can't be fun? Oh yes Bob was saying something crude to WM about what to do with an 18" roller sleeve, they both looked at me and said they wouldn't ask me what I would do with it. WM did mutter about it would need a lot of batteries though. I really don't know what they could be insinuating. Don't they know that I am a shy, innocent, naive single mum. Now Trixie don't spray your coffee everywhere. I am innocent I tell you.....stamps foot and goes off to the corner to hide with an impish grin spread across my face.

Thinking, teasing, flirting, lusting, seducing, betraying

I have been thinking about conversations


conversations that make me smile


conversations full of lust


conversations that make me cringe


conversations that make me think


conversations that make me deceitful





Percy wrote a post about Teasing, flirting and Seducing. He talked about the difference between the three. This got me thinking about how I behave.


I have always enjoyed teasing my friends. They in turn tease me too.


I have discovered that I enjoy flirting on the phone or online, I take my teasing to another level by being suggestive in my teasing. I have often referred to my job as being paid to flirt. I find it easy to flirt on the phone or online because the person I am flirting with can't see me. He can imagine me to be the perfect sexual woman in his eyes, but more than that I can pretend in my own mind that I am sexy.





Some of my customers flirt with me, Garfield makes lewd suggestions, his conversations are very sexual. Sometimes he gets so involved in this that he forgets the reason he rang in the first place. It is just banter between two people who have met through work, he tells me what he likes, he asks me what I like, sometimes his conversations get too intrusive and I have to tell him that I am not having this conversation. I have noticed recently that I have become uncomfortable with these conversations. It isn't because he makes me uncomfortable, it is because I am changing. Where I had found these conversations amusing I now find them more distatesful. I feel that by having these chats I am being disrespecting of the man who holds my heart.





Earlier in the week I was chatting with Lotto. He told me how much he had enjoyed seeing me last week. He told me how he had wanted me the moment he saw me. I smile to myself as I remember that it hadn't been obvious but then Lotto is good at hiding his desires. Either he is very good at acting cool or I just wasn't looking for the signs. He asks me if I wanted him as soon as I saw him, I am not sure how to answer. I don't want to lead him on by saying yes, but equally I don't want to hurt him by saying no, so I avoid giving a straight answer.





Earlier in the week I had an unexpected chat with Thomas aka My Knight. He is so gorgeous and sexy and unexplicably he desires me as much as I desire him. But our lustathon has changed. we both lust after the other but now he knows my heart is Romeo's. We talk about the impossibility of monogamy. I assert my belief that I can and will be monogomous. It was never a problem for me in the past so I don't believe it will be now. He doesn't believe he would be faithful even if he was getting what he wanted at home. During our conversation it becomes evident that our conversations in the future will never be the same again. How could they be, we have always been so liberal with our expression of lust for each other. I can't do that now and he doesn't expect it. From now our comunications will be friendly but much more chaste than in the past.





Talking to Garfield, Lotto and Thomas has made me realise that I don't feel comfortable talking so intimately with any man other than Romeo.





This brings me to seduction, Romeo is the only man I want to seduce, he is the only man I want to be seduced by. In a way the last few months have been a mutual seduction for us. Long may this continue




I know that many men like Ron wil disagree with me, that talking dirty with anyone other than Romeo is a betrayal, but I am looking at it this way, as harmless banter it is fun but I know I would not be happy if I thought Romeo was talking dirty with other women so I won't do it with other men anymore.

internet dating and flirting

I ahve been giving some thought to both internet dating and flirting. I guess to a degree it is because Vi has just begun her adventures with dating on the internet that has got me thinking but it isn't only that. I am registered with several dating sites but when I found Romeo I left a note on each profile saying that I am not currently looking as I ahve found someone who makes my heart sing. I have done this for a couple of reasons.



Partly because I don't want to delete my profiles and then find at some point in the future that I have to set up new ones. But whilst not deleting my profiles I didn't want any potential men wasting their time sending me messages that I wouldn't be replying to. But also I know that N is still on some of the sites and every now and then I get notified that he has been looking at my profiles. I figured that if he thinks I am happy with someone he will leave me alone. I have no intention of ever getting involved with him again so there is no point in us being in contact again. I know that if he thought I was receptive(even though he wouldn't know the word) he would be sending me text and IM messages.



Recently I have hesitated before deleting the emails that tell me I have new matches. I don't open them but I don't delete them straight away. The reason is that a very small part of me is saying it wouldn't do any harm to have a look. You never know who is out there. But as quickly as the thought crosses my mind it is gone again. I know if I go onto the site where I found Romeo the first thing I would do is go to my favourites which tells you the last time your favourites logged onto the site. In the beginning I was constantly looking to see when Romeo was last online. That did help when he went quiet that first time because I could see that he hadn't been on the dating site either so I knew he wasn't just avoiding me. Then I found that my trust in him had grown and I didn't need to keep checking. The last time I did look he hadn't been on there since before my birthday (around the time he was asking me how to delete his profile).



I have not mentioned Romeo much recently because there is not much to say. It is difficult to put my feelings into words. I don't really know what to think or feel at the moment. I don't know whether to be hurt, angry, confused or just simply trusting. I know he has been very ill, I know he has been feeling very low. I know he is often in places that make it difficult to get in contact. I send him emails and text messages but I have no idea how many of them he recieves or when.



Our last conversation was lovely surprise telephone call. He promised to call me again in a few days. He did but I missed it and he left me a voice message (which I have listened to over and over again) hearing his cheerful voice sounding a little unsure what to say when he finds I am not there has helped me over the weeks. after that voice mail I heard nothing from him for almost a week, then I got a text out of the blue telling me thast he was very ill. Another week and another text it was the first day his head had begun to clear, he missed me. Another week and another text he was finally beginning to feel better, he missed me and had been thinking about me. Next day another text should we see if we could meet one evening next week. Now a week later I have heard nothing more.



I don't know what to think. I trust him, I know he hasn't ditched me. I know I will hear from him. I don't need him, to make me happy. I am happy in my life it is all beginning to come together. But that does not stop me wanting him. Wanting the special bond we have built up over the weeks and months. Wanting to see him to touch him to kiss him to make love with him. If I didn't feel this bond with him I would have given up long ago. Some times I feel so disheartened. I don't feel anxious or stressed any more. I know what we have is good, I know he feels it too. I know I just have to be patient. But there are times when I feel as though my patience is wearing thin. I don't know how long I can keep going like this before something breaks. Mr Green says



'I really am impressed at your will power and loyalty to Romeo'.



I don't know if the likes of Lotto, Mr Passinate and Thomas make it easier or harder. They all let me know that they want me. In some ways this is very bad but in others very good. It is good because they make me feel sexy and wanted but bad because they tempt me but I don't want to do anything to spoil what I ahve with Romeo. I know that he trusts me without question, I don't want to break his trust. After all how could I expect to be able to trust him if I do something to break his trust in me.



I enjoy flirting with Lotto and Thomas on IM. I enjoy flirting by text or email with Mr Passionate. But I know it is nothing more than flirting. They are all lovely and sexy men, I enjoy their company. Although we have flirted I ahve not seen any of them for a long time, the last being Mr Passionate on that special friday last summer. Lotto I only met the once in March last year. Whereas Thomas I met several times and planned more encounters, but first his work came between us then mine. Who knows if we might have ever managed to make love, I have told him that it won't happen now but that I envy the woman who does eventually get him there. I feel a little sad that after everything between us we never did make it to bed but at least we do both have the memories of the times we did have and the gift I gave him one sunday afternoon so long ago now.



On the subject of flirting, whilst my marriage was falling apart SF constantly accused me of having affairs and flirting with the men at the football club. I remember thinking about this and coming to the realisation that upto that point and beyond I had never flirted. I don't think I ever conciously flirted even as a teenager. I was never interested in the boys at my school and too shy to mix with any that I didn't know. I was the proverbial wall flower (not quite content) to watch my friends having a good time while I melted into the background. Because I was so shy it puzzled me when at a local disco one lad asked me to dance, he later told me I was 'a cock teaser'. I had not as far as I was aware done or said anything to provoke this response. I wonder if he was in fact just trying the phrase out. I think I was 16 at this time.



I have always had a lot of friends, some close others not so close, but I was always the quiet one in the corner that people didn't notice or at least I never thought they noticed me. You know sometimes I really wanted to be noticed but it was always the bubbly girl who got noticed even though I felt I was prettier, slimmer (in my youth). I always felt I ahd so much more to offer than my friends but I was never noticed , why would anyone notice me when there was this bubbly out going girl or woman who was so much more fun. I was always the serious one. I remember saying to my friend at the football club a few years ago that I felt people just put up with me but she told me I was wrong. She said that everyone thinks I am lovely. I was not convinced but it was nice to be told that.



Over the past two years my confidence has grown enormously. I am still shy when I am in groups, perhaps this is a legacy of being slightly deaf I can't quite follow whats going on when I am in a group. I am much better when there are only two or three of us together. Over the past two years I have grown confident enough to flirt with men online, I can flirt on the phone too (the other person can't see me so that s good). But now my confidence is such that I can also flirt in person but only when I am in the right mood in the right situation with the right person.



I realise also that one reason why I never flirted before was that I was always afraid the other person would take my flirting too literally and think there was more to it when really there wasn't. So I took the safe option of never flirting. How much time did I waste? Now I love flirting and I think I am becoming quite good at it. But of course it always helps when the person I am flirting with is sexy too.



So now I have discovered that I can flirt and enjoy it too and now I ahve a job that allows me to flirt all day. But I can also have an intimate conversation without flirting. There is one man who I talk to regularly, I ahve met him a few times so I know that he is not my type in any way shape or form yet I still find myself having very intimate conversations with him. Mind you I did tell him today that I was not going to fulfil his fantasies over the phone when I work in an open plan office as he very well knows.

So tell me have always flirted or like me are you a late starter?

Is flirting just harmless fun that helps the world go around or is it a dangerous game to play?

have you had any particulary good or bad experiences of flirting?