Saturday, 28 February 2009

Feeling old

It is not often that I am up and out of the house early on a saturday, after all I thought saturdays were invented for recovering after a week at work.

But today I had an early appointment. JA and his mummy were both having eye tests. Having assured me last night that he would have no trouble getting up in the morning

'I am always up early at weekends!'

I was amused that I had to drag him out of bed at 8.45 to get to our 9.10am appointment.

While JA was having his eyes checked I watched a young couple with their little girl (no more than about 15 months) as she cooed and clucked in a delightfully happy way. Then it was my turn to have puffs of air and bright lights shone into my eyes. How stupid did I feel after stating that I couldn't see the second line let alone read it. Changing lenses made no difference all I could see was a white bar!! Then I discovered that I was too low down and could only see the very top of the page above the rows of letters.

The result of all these tests apart from streaming eyes, I need glasses!! Not just one pair for reading but also different ones for driving. So in a week I get to collect my new red yes thats right I have got red glasses for reading, and my black and pink reaction glasses for driving. I could do with having the driving glasses for wednesday but as they won't be ready until wednesday I can't get them until saturdy.

Later I attended my second appointment of the day. I had rung during the week to make the appointment and was told that it would be with Hannah. I didn't know who Hannah was but trying to figure out which of the girls/women I remember there but don't know the names asked if she had dark hair. Yes but shes got blonde bits too at the moment. So imagine my suprise when I arrived that I only recognised two of the girls, all but the one who cut my hair last time had long blonde hair with dark underneath, I think its called 'dipped'. I had absolutley no idea which of these young women was Hannah. Maybe I am just getting old but they all looked very young to me, none of them looked more than twenty. The salon normally full of chat was oddly quiet, with only the woman in the chair next to me having a conversation with her stylist (the one who last cut my hair). None of the older stylists that I am used to were there. My normal stylist only works wednesday and thursdays so I knew she wouldn't be there.

Hannah did a good job of my hair but hardly spoke at all during the process which I found quite amusing, there was none of the usual chit chat that you get with stylists that you don't know. Never mind, maybe they charge for chatting ( the charge for my hair cut was £10 less than I pay my stylist). The best part was that when I got home none of my boys even noticed that I have had my hair cut!!

After all this you would think that Kama would be champing at the bit to go to the pictures with me tonight. But he turned me down in favour of men with funny shaped balls. How could I have forgotten that this man who doesn't know Rugby league and Rugby Union have different size teams, always watches the England matches with a group of friends all dressed in their England shirts drinking beer at a club in a neighbouring village. The day we went out for dinner was one of these days and he had had to watch his mates drinking while he didn't because he was taking me out later. Tonight he is crying into his drink after England lost!! Serves him right I say, mind you earlier, when we were discussing the films that were on, he hadn't heard of the two I mentioned, Grand Torino and The International.

Friday, 27 February 2009


I have been giving some thought to how things are going with Kama and I am sure that if you are honest you will admit that you want to know what is going on with him.

It has now been 2 1/2 months since he first emailed me. This is definitely a slow burning relationship. It took us a few weeks of emails before we moved onto text messages and weekly phone calls.

It took nearly two months for us to meet. I don't think he was in too much of a rush, which suited me. I did want to meet him but I was afraid. I don't know how this will pan out for us.

I am not superstitious, I don't put much store in superstitions, opening an umbrella inside or putting shoes on a table etc don't bother me in the slightest. However I do believe in fate. I believe that Kama and I were meant to cross paths when we did. He was the first to find my email address the way he did. If he had contacted me sooner (even just a few days) I wouldn't have replied. I was not mentally ready for someone new to enter my life.

That was why I was happy to take it at his pace. We have met twice now. Perhaps before now I would have been hoping for sparks between us but they are not there. When we met there were no sparks, when we kissed there were no fireworks. Certainly when I met Romeo there were fireworks but look where that got me.

With Kama there might not be sparks flying all about the place but there is the feeling of a magnetic force quietly drawing us together. His text message always make me chuckle, when we talk we giggle like a pair of kids. There is so much common ground for us, I cannot believe we have never met before. We live close to each other, he is probably only yards closer to the local shopping precinct than I am. We know some of the same people (I am not talking about our neighbourhood now). His daughter 10 days younger than DC (I discovered they are friends). His son just a month younger than ET both heading for similar lives. Even in our work there are things we have in common. We communicate everyday even though it sometimes doesn't feel like it.

This past week has been a testing time. After I saw him briefly last Friday I knew that I wanted to see more of Kama. I decided to push things further. I let him know as part of a chatty email that I was fed up with the tedium of trawling profiles on dating sites when I had already met someone I want to be able to get to know better. The devastation I felt when I didn't hear from him for what felt like days but in reality was merely from mid morning Monday until Tuesday tea time. I was on the verge of asking if he had been abducted by aliens when he text me that he had been so busy he didn't know where two days had gone. We had a lovely giggly chat until my phone decided it was time to play up. My spirits were lifted just from having some contact from him.

I have realised that I miss him when he hasn't been in contact for a few hours. A few weeks ago I took Romeo's picture off my desktop and replaced it with the photo of Kama that I lifted from the dating site.

Yesterday I finally took Romeo's pictures off the screen of my mobile. I feel ready to move on.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

The fourth floor

This is week two of my three consecutive four day weeks.

Last week I took a day off because I was being lazy about making alternative arrangements for getting too and from work whilst my car was in for its MOT.

Today though I didn't do a lot. I had a lie in, instead of getting up at 6am I got up at 8am instead. It was very strange seeing all my boys getting ready for their day, most days they are just stirring when I leave the house. I drove a bit, took a slight detour when I missed a road sign at a roundabout. But we still arrived on time. Climbed a few stairs (why put a meeting place on the fourth floor?). As a reward there were cups of tea followed by a trip back down the stairs. A chance to sit down as the lectures began but shortly after the first lecture we were seperated.

Within a minute of leaving the lecture room a woman latched onto me (she is from a cathederal city to the east of where I work). We stuck together for the short tour then back up to the fourth floor room where we had started. Here we found a tasty buffet laid out for us as we sat and chatted in small groups. Following the refreshments we were treated to more lectures on a variety of important topics like finance, employment and accommodation.

At the end of the lectures we were split into groups and trailed around being shown such facilities as library, laundrette, shops, computer labs, nightclub, shared accomodation blocks. Finally after a walk that took us up and down hill, up and down many flights of stairs, we reached our finishing point, the original starting place at the top of four flights of stairs! Here we were reunited and released from our groups to make our way back to our homes.

By now traffic had built up and we spent miles just creeping along the tarmac, we did take a wrong turn at another roundabout but my own personal living breathing satnav found us a route back to the A31 by way of several country lanes which included the village featured in the tv series that spanned a number of years, a decade ago 'The Village'. Eventually we made it home, tired and weary.

Did I mention that the maths dept was on the fourth floor!!

Next week we do it all again only we will be visiting Warwick University, it will be interesting to see how that compares with University of Surrey where we were today.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Owning My Cancer Part Three

It has been a long time coming, I know I promised I wouldn’t take so long before I wrote part three, it just hasn’t been all that easy to put myself into the right frame of mind at a time when I had enough time to do this. Unfortunately I am one of those people who has a need to complete a project quickly. I am not much good at going back to something I started earlier. There are two people who have prompted me to get back to this now. The first, Jade Goody, has been in the news as she makes plans to marry her boyfriend before she dies of cervical cancer. The second is Charlie’s mum. Although DC and Charlie are no longer together they do still have contact.

Apparently Charlie’s mum is finding that her treatment for breast cancer is not going as smoothly as it should. After being told that she would not lose her breast she had a couple of tumours removed but weeks later just prior to Christmas her breast was removed. She is the same age I was 39 when I went through my treatment. Earlier this month she had her first cycle of chemotherapy. There was a problem with this and somehow the chemo leaked inside her as it was being released into her. This has caused damage to her hand resulting in a need for plastic surgery on her hand at a later date. She is such a lovely woman I really wish she didn’t have to go through all this, not that I would wish any form of cancer or the treatment of it on anyone.

Earlier in the week I emailed all my female colleagues the open letter I had written back in October 2001. This resulted in a discussion between myself and my colleague, who was very forceful in stating that some people just don’t like Drs and should be left alone, she says that if she suspected that she had cancer she would rather not be treated but be left alone to die. I happen to disagree, we all have at times to do things we don’t like. I don’t like needles in any way shape or form but I put up with them because I have to. As I have said before cancer affects not just the patient but all the family. I can not even begin to contemplate what life would have been like for my four boys if I had not had treatment for my cancer.

Talking of treatment that is what I want to talk about this time. On looking back now I guess when I was told I had cancer and would need chemotherapy every week and radiotherapy daily I thought it would be simple. I would lead a fairly normal life except that I would go to the hospital every day for 5 minutes of radiotherapy. But on Tuesdays I would be there for hours for the chemo treatment which I did realise would make me feel ill. But I could cope with feeling ill once a week for a month if it was going to get rid of this growth.

What I hadn’t expected was the weeks of tests before my treatment could be started. There were chest x-rays, nuclear x-rays to test my kidneys, MRI scans to check for cancerous cells in other parts of my body most importantly to make sure my lymph glands were clear. There was the measuring to make a personalised stencil for the radiotherapy machine. Three tattoos to mark the spot so that the stencil could be lined up accurately for each treatment. All the time I felt as though I was fading away I was becoming weaker and paler by the day, the pain was increasing, but I was not going to let this get the better of me.

Eventually and it did feel as though it had been a life time although in reality only a couple of weeks, my treatment was to begin. I think I even felt a little excitement mixed in with the anxiety. This was after all the start of getting better. I had always been a fairly patient person (laid back) but these weeks were when I really learnt to be a patient patient. There were two radiotherapy machines in use in the clinic, often one or both would break down causing a backlog of patients to be treated. It became more the norm than not to have to sit for two hours waiting for my turn. But going back again to that first treatment day. Having waited an hour or more among the other people who were very ill some terminal I was called into a cubicle. Here I was given a leaflet listing the foods I wouldn’t be able to eat during the weeks of my treatment. I hadn’t been prepared for this. Because my tumour was situated so close to my bladder and bowels I would need to be careful not to eat any foodstuffs that consisted of fibre. That meant a blanket veto on fruit or vegetables, brown bread, potato skins, baked beans and very many more. There were times it was difficult to find much that I could eat. It seemed that any food deemed to be healthy would be unhealthy for me. So I began a diet of stodge, eating lots of pastries and pies, things I would normally try to avoid.

But it wasn’t just the food issue, there were other rules too. No hot showers or baths, no bubbles in my bath, nothing on my skin that could react. I had to learn to have daily luke warm baths of plain water using only the minimum of things like shampoo. It was during these baths that I made the awful discovery. Because I wasn’t having chemo I wasn’t in danger of my hair falling out of my head, I wasn’t about to go bald. But to my horror I was finding that with no bubbles in my bath I could find hair floating in the water. As the weeks passed this was becoming more and more irksome, I couldn’t understand it but put it down to being normal but I wouldn’t normally notice, it was only because the water was clear. But then one day I realised why I was finding hair. My pubic hair was falling out, so much so that on one occasion SF asked if I had been shaved I hadn’t.

We fell into a routine where each day SF would head off to work early, then return mid morning to take me to the hospital on alternate days. My mum did the other days, we worked it out so that one week SF did three days and mum two then the following week they swapped. Both had incredibly understanding bosses who allowed them the time to do this for me. Each Friday my appointment was earlier so that I could attend clinic afterwards to check my progress. More opportunity to practice being patient. There were blood tests and more x-rays. I was still weak but the pain had begun to ease. I was very anaemic and required a blood transfusion the day before my 39th birthday. I did suggest they choose the blood of someone who had been partaking of gin or vodka.

Weeks passed and I knew I was beginning to feel better. My six weeks of daily treatment were coming to an end and my consultant told me that they wanted me to have a few weeks break then I would be admitted for a few days while I was given a dose of internal radiation treatment. I wanted them to forget giving me a break and just get on with it, lets get this out of the way. They wouldn’t do this, my body had taken a real battering even if I didn’t realise it. My body needed time to get stronger before the next stage of my treatment. It wasn’t long before I realised the wisdom of this.

Even now I don’t understand this but my treatment had made me so sore down below that each time I passed water it burnt so badly as though I had an open wound. One of the worst experiences there are. Then weeks later I was admitted onto one of the oncology wards. I had a single ground floor room with a tree outside my window. My room was very basic but I did have a tv although as I was to discover the remote didn’t work which meant every time I wanted to watch something I had to get a member of staff to do this for me as I was near enough immobile on my bed. The next three days were possibly the worst of my life. I was taken into theatre where three nuclear rods were inserted into my vagina whilst I was under general anaesthetic. With these rods inside me I couldn’t move much as their presence caused me a great deal of pain. For the duration of this treatment I was effectively radioactive. Visitors were at a minimum and those who could come in had to stand behind a large lead screen so I could just about see their head above it for the allotted 5 minutes. My boys were not allowed on the ward. Staff could only be in my room for a maximum of 10 minutes during any one shift. The constant sickness caused by the anaesthetic didn’t help this situation.

Finally the prescribed time came to an end and on the third evening I was given morphine so that I would be better able to cope with the pain as the rods and the accompanying packing materials were removed. What a relief that was to be able to turn over and sleep on my side. Next day I was told I would be able to go home providing the sickness had stopped. It had diminished but not cleared up completely but I managed to hide it from the staff so that I could be discharged.

That was the end of my treatment but not the end of the agony for me. Our life was still in limbo as we waited for more tests, more scans, another operation to examine my cervix to determine if all the cancer cells had been eradicated. Finally after months I was given the all clear on 19th September 2001. I thought this would mean that my life would no longer be affected by my cancer. I was wrong. The cancer itself was gone but now there were the Dr’s appointments, hysterectomy clinic appointments, hormone implants 3 monthly check ups at the hospital. I still couldn’t get back to a healthy diet. I couldn’t go anywhere without knowing where the nearest toilet was and that I could get to it quickly and easily. Before I could go anywhere I needed to take precautions which often left me doubled up with constipation. I was left with very little control over my body functions, when I needed to go I needed to be quick. But gradually over the months it did begin to improve. I still find that eating fruit can be unwise but I am no longer afraid of it.

The weight I had lost at the start of my treatment soon piled back as I continued my non fibre diet but lacked the energy to do much so didn’t burn off the calories I was piling in. Even now my cancer is still here in my life. I have been cured but I still live with cancer. I still have check ups, I still have hormone treatment, I still have the threat of further cancer hanging over me.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Doing what had to be done

Sometimes a woman just has to take her chances.

I was feeling a bit miffed that although he was working from home all there was to show for it was two late morning emails not a single text message and it was nearing the end of my day. I was talking to the customer that Boss Lady refers to as 'LiR's boyfriend' when Kama text me he was on his way to the sports venue which is next door to the business where my 'boyfriend' works. After finishing my call I text back that if I got bored I might turn up at the venue to check out a certain pair of legs. A few minutes later I text again that it had been a while since I had last seen Stan (another sports official at the venue).

Ha! good one LiR! xx

Whilst I was driving home I was considering paying the venue a visit, I stopped at Sainsbury's to get the boys some dinner first. It was in the store that I met Alex and his mum Lyn, Alex mentioned that he had a match in fact two matches at the venue tonight. He had been trying to persuade OJ to play as one of the teams was a player short. (He knows all the team and does play occasionally). I assured Alex that I would get OJ to play.

So at 7.15 I was stood with OJ and friends watching the end of Alex's first match. I could see Kama dressed in his full kit presiding over the match on the other pitch. When they discovered that their match was on that pitch OJ believed I would be able to watch both Kama and OJ at the same time. He was wrong.....................with the match about to begin another much younger ref who I also recognised walked onto the pitch blowing his whistle.

While the match was starting I made my way over to the bar where I could see Kama getting a drink. I sidled up beside him saying hello. It was lovely to see the smile that spread across his face. He bought me a drink (I only wanted water), then we found a table to sit and chat, we shared a bag of Hula Hoops (last of the big spenders lol). We had a lovely half hour together, I was suprised to discover that he had already finished his shift and was about to head off to his sister's place. so we walked out to the car park together where I got a peck on the cheek. Ok so it wasn't the kind of kiss I craved but we were in a public place where he has a position of authority and respect.

Later at home I was just about to send a text thanking him for dinner when his text arrived saying it had been lovely to see me and nice to meet OJ.

So tonight was not an ideal situation, it wasn't a date, it was too brief but it was very nice and it was also another step for us as we grow closer. Two hours later I still feel happy and smiley.

Mel asks what are Hula Hoops so here are a few but might I suggest asking The Brit, he will know.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Community Project

I am at home today having a much needed rest. My car is with my friendly local mechanic, currently costing me more money than I have in the bank until payday next week. It failed its MOT !! needing two new tyres(they looked good to me when I checked earlier in the week) plus something about front brakes needing to be released. The brakes work just fine but he won't know until hes had a look what the problem is so current running total nearing £160+.

So while I am at home without my car I have been busy on the phone.

Last night ET arrived home after visiting ..................... 'a girl' after his college day finished. It was quite late I was in bed by the time he came in. He has been requested by the leaders and other members of his course to make use of my contacts. Next week they are doing a Community Project. They will be working on the garden of a Community Centre, half of them gardening the others painting the fences. I have managed to get some paint brushes donated and have made enquiries using my contacts from work to get them some paint. I am currently working on finding someone to donate some garden hand tools ie trowels.

As I said to ET several weeks ago isn't always what you know but who you know. He didn't believe me but maybe now he will.

Oh and going against the rules of dating, with the encouragement of a man (some of you know this blogger) I have asked Kama out on a date, all we need to do now is find the time to fit it in.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Jade Goody

In the last few days there has been much in the news abouts Jade Goody being told that her cancer is terminal, she has only months to live.

I have not followed the ups and downs of her life since leaving Big Brother in whatever year that was. Every now and again I have heard something about her but I can honestly say that she has never been high on my list of must know topics.

I have heard that her diagnosis is bringing cervical cancer to the public notice. Her fight being so much in the public domain could help to save lives by inspiring women to have screening.

Yesterday I had yet another unwelcome telephone call from SF. But he said something to me that hit a chord. He said he had been discussing the publicity around Jade with one of his colleagues. He told his colleague about my battle against Cervical Cancer and the open letter I wrote once I was in remission which was sent to all the parents from the schools my children attended. It was published in a magazine that was circulated around the MOD Agencies in the UK. In the following couple of years I sent this letter to online friends across the world. I would like to share this letter with you now. I know this is not the first time, I am also aware that as my writing style has developed in recent years I would probably have written this letter differently if I was writing it now. But this letter was how I was feeling at the time.

October , 2001

Dear Mothers:

Some of you will know me but many of you won’t. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I have just recently been given the all clear, I am now cured. However I wanted to write to you to ask you to do your best to make sure that your children don’t have to go through what my children did.

There has never been any history of cancer in my family I don’t smoke and I am only in my thirties and have never missed a routine smear test. I had no reason to believe that I would get cancer especially not at this age. But I did, I have been very positive all through my treatment and have now come through it with a clean bill of health. When I told my boys that the cancer has all gone away they were all very pleased especially Elliot who announced to everyone within earshot, “I have got my normal mummy back.”

Hearing my son saying this has confirmed what I already knew, it was not only my life that has been put on hold for the last 8 months, but my whole family. We have had a lot of support from a lot of people including the staff at school. Some of you will also be aware that I have made it my aim to make sure that as many women as possible are made aware of just how very important it is that we all keep healthy. It is especially important to check your breasts regularly for lumps and go for regular smear tests. From asking around I have discovered that the general rule at Dr’s surgeries in this area is to call women for a smear test every five years. However the specialists at the hospital are adamant that we should be all tested every three years. If you don’t want to go to your own doctor’s you can get a smear test done at your local pharmacy. Just ask for an appointment although you will have to pay a small fee. It is not important where you go as long as you do get tested at least every five years, but every three years would be better. I know having a smear test is not pleasant, but it is nothing compared to the treatment for cancer.

If you have a smear test that shows abnormal cells you can be treated and like me get better.

For the sake of your children please, please look after yourselves.

Monday, 16 February 2009


It would seem that I am an unqualified failure.

I tried .................. really I did

Day one was successful

Day two was on the way to a success right up until the last minute

Day three was a failure

or was it

Saturday I managed to keep him on his toes, not replying to him for hours, letting him think I was going out in the evening.

Sunday I didn't make any contact until the evening when he enquired if I had been to the gym. I let him know that I hadn't been there, instead I had indulged in some other fun excercise which resulted in me getting wet and he wasn't impressed when he got cramp in his foot. ............... no response to that. Whilst I had been out he had sent me an email about some naughty valentines cards, asking if I had received any like these. I just told him no none like that. Let him read into that whatever he chose.

Again I was holding out well

Until just before midnight that was

I know I should have held fast I almost made it

But in the end I just had to tell him

So just before midnight I sent the text ..............................

'meant to ask if you like swimming'

'I was wondering what you had been up to LiR...!'

Ok so I slipped in my resolve

But it was today that was my undoing

Every morning when I am at work I get at least one text, but not today

Nearly every day when I stop for lunch I find at least one joke email with a short message

Today was no different

Today there were two

The second one was one of those feel good messages

As I scrolled down to the end I found this line

'forgive quickly, kiss slowly'

So I replied that the email had told me to

'forgive you quickly and kiss you slowly ....................just don't do it again!! (next time send individual text messages)'

He couldn't figure out what I was talking about

So I told him that my phone had reveal all the numbers he had sent his hearts message to

'Ohhhh dear, didn't know it did that. Thanks for letting me know. That's a little embarrassing LiR, sorry..! If it's any consolation, I only got a reply from my niece, sniff, sniff..! Actually thats not true, I had a black stocking clad pair of sexy pins sent me..! xx'

I didn't hear from him again all evening until just before 10pm when he phoned me. We had a lovely chat, its great how we can talk about anything even when we don't agree. He apologised again for the text, thanked me for his telling off. He admitted that apart from me the others were all family. Yes I know he could be spinning me a line there, but from what I have gathered about him in the last two months, he is the kind of man who would do that for them. He talks about them a lot.

I did try to play the dating game (I did spend last night chatting to two new men), but I just can't play mind games. It just doesn't sit well with me. Ok so perhaps being honest doesn't always win the man, maybe they do like to be the hunter. But if I play the game as it should be played then I won't be being true to myself.

Maybe I am a failure at the dating game but I am still me and to my mind that is more important.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Over the grumps

I have got over the grumps of yesterday. I think a big part of it was that I had woken up with a sinus headache then discovering that my sweet text was not exclusively mine just sort of tipped me over the edge as it were.

I had a long chat with Dani which resulted in both of us getting back into doing some ground work on our dating sites. In fact I have just replied to a message from a sweet guy not far from Mei. But he often drives down this way. I booked myself a night out at a valentine's disco in a pub in the city where I have been to a few social events before.

I finally dragged myself out for a spot of grocery shopping at about 6pm, leaving my phone at home (something I don't normally do if I can help it). When I returned I found that Kama had text me (his 3rd of the day I hadn't replied to either of his earlier texts). He mentioned the rugby and asked what I was upto. I was already having doubts about going out but I told him I was going into the city later. He then wanted to know where I was going. We exchanged a few text as I described what I was going to wear to the valentines disco. I didn't say where it was or if I was going with anyone. At 9pm he text asking me what time I was going as it was already 9pm (my last text was 8.30!!) so I just didn't reply. Let him think I had already gone.

Instead of going out I stayed in and watched tv and a film with ET cuddled up to me for 4 hours. We also talked about him joining the RAF which to my suprise he has already applied online and received a career opportunities book from them. He's working on getting himself fit following their plan. So instead of my sunday afternoon visit to the gym the two of us are going swimming. Neither of us have been swimming since our disaster of a holiday in Clacton in aug 2006. It is good to see him taking the initiative instead of me having to give him step by step instructions.

This morning I have played agony aunt to not one but two guys online with their vastly different problems. At one point I thought I had written a long bit of advice on one guy's sexual problem to the guy who was having custody issues. But to my relief I hadn't.

I had better get myself organised now and feed my friend's cat then get on and do all the other things I have got planned for today.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Feeling let down

All week I have been feeling happy.

Kama had said he liked me and wanted to see me again. The emails and texts have continued as before. But there has been no mention of when we might see each other again. He had told me during our meal about his busy schedule especially this week with family and friends. His son has been celebrating turning 17 for the last few days and tonight he is taking both his children out for dinner to celebrate both their birthdays as his daughter will be 21 this week. There is also the Rugby 6 nations to watch with friends. But I can be patient!! (I don't feel patient).

Last night when we were texting I sent him a blue peter text. (one I had made earlier). I had sent it to Romeo months ago. It starts off tantalising was dreaming of being naked together in a sunny room with birdsong coming through the open window.......but then makes you laugh because there is also the drunk across the road making a ruckus.

He replied in kind which I thought was very good. 10/10 for that.

This morning I was woken by his text ...........a picture of hearts with the words have a wonderful day.

I just rolled over and went back to sleep after all it won't hurt him to wait for an answer.

Later when I woke up properly I looked at it again, this was when it hit me. I had scrolled down a little further than before to the bit under the message. This was when I noticed that it showed his number plus who he had sent it to. There below his number was mine. But below my number were 4 others!! Of course it could be his daughter, sister and niece but that still leaves one more.

So who else was he sending this non personal message to?

We have not made a commitment to only see each other, it is early days yet but still I feel let down. He has every right to see others just as I have, but still I feel put out about this. I am not going to challenge him about it, it is his business. But I can't help feeling a little hurt. I have toyed with the idea of sending him a valentine email. I have toyed with the idea of not sending him anything. I thought of doing what he did. I have never tried sending an sms picture from my current phone. I was experimenting in replying to a text from him and inserting a picture. I didn't find the usual pictures only my own photos. Scrolling through these was interesting as I had forgotten about some of them. Then I tried to exit the photos and found that I had inserted one of my photos. I tried to cancel the message but found that it was too late the picture was sending itself to Kama. Damn and blast I didn't mean to do that. I know he will think I have sent it on purpose and he will like it but that wasn't what I was trying to do. I guess it could have been worse, much worse, there are some awful pictures on there and some that would have made no sense at all arriving out of the blue like that with no message. The picture I sent was one of a pair of photos. The other one is the only saucy picture I have sent him.

Although I don't mind that it was this picture I don't want him to think I am trying to win him over with my pictures.

Perhaps I should ask Dani to ask Nigel what I should do now. My instinct is to just go quiet and see what he does next.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

After the date

After I got home I lay on my bed and wondered what he really thought about me. I was just starting to write him a brief email to thank him for a lovely evening when he text me.

Thank you LiR for a lovely evening. so glad to put a face to a name behind the emails, txts and phone calls. I was very nervous, sorry if it showed, NN sweet dreams. Kama xx

I emailed him that I thought he was lovely and a nice kisser.

In the morning we exchanged the usual pleasantries by text.

I was pleased that nothing seemed to have changed yet I was concerned. How did he really see me now that we had met. Were we destined to be nothing more than friends? I decided to keep myself busy.

Imagine my suprise late in the evening when I received this email.

and thanks for a lovely evening last night. I was very nervous and apprehensive, I can tell you. What was really nice was that our converstaion never dried up and you are very easy to talk with and that put me at ease. You are a lovely lady and I really enjoyed your company.

I would like to see you again LiR. NN sweet dreams. Kama xx


...forgot to mention LiR that your kisses were soft and luscious. You too are a good kisser.

We have continued to exchange emails and text messages intermittently each day since our date. I don't yet know when I will see him again but it is definitely on the cards and if I have anything to do with it I won't have to wait for too long.

Monday, 9 February 2009

When it is time to go home

After our meal we continued to chat for a while longer. I needed to visit the cloakroom, whilst I was gone he paid the bill (I am sure Dani will be pleased about this). Shortly after this we each donned our leather jackets and walked back to his car. Again we chatted all the way back as he drove along different roads from our outward journey. These roads were more familiar to me. I can't begin to tell you what we talked about as I honestly can't remember. I do remember a wish not to get home too quickly. I remember willing him to touch me or at least kiss me.

All too soon we had arrived back at my road. He pulled into the layby next to my car. He told me he had had a lovely time and we should do this again.

Dissapointed I am sure that reading between the lines he is saying he would like us to be friends.

Before I open the door he unfastens his seatbelt and leans over to give me a chaste kiss on the lips. Mmmm that was nice but I want so much more. He leans in again for a second slightly longer kiss which I make the most of ensuring that he is not left in any doubt that kissing me was the right thing to do. He has nice soft warm lips, it was a very nice kiss. I am wondering now if things would have been better if I had kissed him on the lips as he greeted me earlier.

We say good night and I climb out of his car, as I do so he tells me that he liked the red and black colour scheme of my outfit....... (of course I knew that as he had told me 2 weeks ago that red and black are his favourite colours).

I began to stumble away from him as the sudden rush of cold air mixed with the amount of red wine that I am not used to, took effect all at once. He leant out of his window asking if I was alright. I was almost tempted to walk over and kiss him through the window. I could also have asked him to escort me along the footpath back to my home. I did neither, telling him I would be fine I set off away from him.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

The date

7.30 on the dot I put on my jacket tottered down the stairs and walked down to the road. He was to pick me up on the corner at 7.30pm. I was there before him waiting on the corner. I watched him drive towards me and swing his car into the entrance of the road. He stopped his car and climbed out greeting me with a hug and a kiss. I think I may have put him off though as not wishing to smear red lipstick on his face before we even started I turned my face so that he kissed my cheek.

We both got into his car and he drove off, we talked about the afternoon's rugby match he was astonished that I could compare rugby to american football. What I had actually said was that I have been known to watch rugby but cant claim to be able to follow it any better than american football. We then discussed football followed by cricket. I know not the normal things women discuss on a first date. We were following the same route I had taken Romeo when he visited until we took a turning that was unfamiliar to me. When we had chatted earlier he had suggested we drive into the country and find a pub with a roaring fire. I was somewhat sceptical that even if we found such a pub we would be able to find a table close to the fire. We did find such a pub and we did sit beside the fire. The food was good, the wine was enjoyable, I wonder now why it is that until 18 months ago I would never drink red wine.

Never have I been anywhere that served the food so incredibly quickly (and fresh). Our chatter was non stop covering a wide variety of topics. Although I had sat with my back to the wall so that I had a good view of most of the room (I do enjoy people watching) he kept my attention on him all evening. We both kept our eyes on each other only looking away to read the menu or to eat the food. We laughed and smiled a lot. Until it was time for the drive home.

Red and or black

After a couple of text during the morning Kama aka The Man phoned me at lunch time for a chat. I had woken up with a splitting headache at 4am. I wasn't taking any chances so took one of my migraine tablets and slept it off. So by the time Kama called I was almost headache free. 6 hours to go and I still had no idea what I would wear. His parting words had been 'wrap up warm' so I knew he wasn't expecting me to be wearing anything skimpy hee hee.

I couldn't decide on skirt or trousers the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to wear my red heels. I wanted to wear red and black I just didn't know what. My jeans are all either too big or too small none are a good fit right now. My black trousers fit well but I have been wearing them for work most days the last couple of months. Besides I would prefer to wear a skirt. Heading into Town I soon had bags containing new dark red nail varnish and lipstick, a new mascarra and blusher. A soft woollen red scarf, black mid calf length skirt and a black scoop necked top and finally some new red flower earrings.

I spent the rest of the afternoon painting my nails I normally do this in a rush and end up smudging them. Left hand perfect! right hand not so perfect. I really thought they had dried completely before I grabbed the towel from the airing cupboard as I prepared to have a leisurely shower. I had finally decided to wear my new black skirt with scarlet tights (I couldn't find any scarlet stockings other than my fishnets). When I put on the new black top it wasn't what I wanted so I opted for black camisole with red cardigan. But when I put the cardigan on with 10 minutes to go, it stank. I had taken it out of the washing machine a couple of hours earlier and part dried it in tumble drier before draping it on my radiator. To me it smelt as though some one had been sick on it, OJ said it smelt like cheese. With such a short time left I quickly swapped camisole for the black lace top I wore at the book launch.

Make up applied, a dash of prada scent, my new earrings and a new red and black bead neacklace all I need now was my red scarf and my leather jacket, I was ready to go out.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Home Safe

I have been out for dinner with Kama.

I am now home safe and happy (perhaps thats the red wine)

Best experience ever

I was at work when I got the text mid morning

How will I get home?

This was the start of a flurry of calls and texts.

It was 12.40 when he told me he had arrived back where he had started from. I told him I would be there around 1pm

I arranged with my colleagues that for a change I would be going out at lunch time and taking at least an hour instead of my normal 1/2 hour at my desk.

When I arrived after driving through sleet to get there he complained bitterly that I had parked in a puddle.

As I drove he told me all about his last few days. Building a sculpture out of snow to represent something that the whole group felt would represent what they wanted out of this week. They made a flight of steps to represent steps to success.

He told me about being sea sick as they rowed canoes down a very cold river.

He told me that he made an omelette for the first time in his life and they didn't use milk.

He told me about the rock climbing, high wires and other things they did.

In short my quiet, shy boy talked all the way home. He told me that he feels more confident, they had learnt how to get over his lack of confidence. He told me that he could see the difference in others as the week progressed.

When I arrived home I watched him walk towards our house with a slight swagger as he carried his bags and his sleeping bag before I turned my car around and drove back to work.

When I got home he was on the pc chatting. Apparently he has put a message after his name on MSN that he has just had the best exerience of his life

For me that says it all. I am glad he has had a good time even though his mother was worried about him in the blizzards doing all these outside activities.

Welcome Home ET

Thursday, 5 February 2009

i'm confused

I'm sure I posted on here this morning

Oh silly cow....!!!

its over there!!!!!!!!


if you want to know more then you need to follow the link

btw The Man now has a name ........................... Kama

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Buses and 5 could be 2

Buses seem to be a theme for today.

Earlier I was checking out the photos from DJ & Chopper's book launch. To see them go here. Now I am quite good at convincing myself that I am overweight yes theres no getting away from that but I am not too overweight. Then now and again I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflected back from a window. I don't like what I see so I move passed quickly, back into my fantasy land where I am just large but not massive. But then there are these cruel people in life who just have to take pictures. Thats fine but sometimes these pictures have me in them. Not much else as that would mean using an extra wide lens.

So what has this got to do with the book launch or with buses, anyone who has read dj's blog this week or her comments on here will know that she has been saying how beautiful I am.......can you see the glow from my red cheeks already? Not only has dj been saying this but casdok has joined forces with her saying I am gorgeous and have an aura about me.......... more girls more, I am even beginning to believe it.

But then I saw the photos of all the lovely people at the launch, dj you and casdok are both gorgeous (there are not enough photos of the beautiful casdok). But then I saw the ones that include this massive blob of lace and velvet. All I could see was the back end of a bus. Now I know you were drinking on monday but you must have been slaughtered to see beauty in this big old crate. I might be able to run away from mirrors and windows but photos are more permanent reminders.

Anyway this morning the flow of text messages between myself and The Man which began yesterday has continued until, that is I stopped to look at the photos mentioned above. This is when I did something naughty...........

Just looking at pics from monday. My friends keep saying how beautiful I am but all I see is back end of a bus! You might want to have second thoughts about meeting! x

Silence ......................obviously I am good at cutting off my nose to spite my face. My reasoning behind what I did was that I have very carefully avoided mentioning my weight problem to him. I had intended to pretend my weight doesn't bother me (yes I know you all know that it does). I figured that he would think I was being a typical woman exaggerating, then if when we do meet he doesn't like what he sees I can say that I had warned him.

2 hours later!! he replied

LiR...! whats that got to do with anything.? Yeah like I' a pin up as well...! Your friends see the beautiful person both inside & out & in those I would trust. We will only eet when 'we' are ready. I for one am looking forward to meeting you LiR. xx

So that has got that one out of the way :-)

I have also been exchanging a few brief emails with dj regarding firstly her new announcement which if you want to know what that was go visit her here. But also the worries of a parent whose 17 yr old son suddenly announces a wish to join up and the resulting fears of him going into conflict. It seems I made them laugh by saying that my brother (who I was very close to at the time) was merely 19 when he was sent to the Faulklands war. He now faces conflict everyday in his role as a Bournemouth Bus driver!!

My personal feeling is that yes I worry about my child being hurt or worse killed, but the reality is that in the battles faced these days the chances of being killed in action are far less than in earlier conflicts. It is tragic that too many of our young men and women are killed in action but the numbers are still less than are killed daily on our roads and other accidents. If anything I would be happier knowing that he had a career mapped out for him with all the benefits that come with being in the Forces especially in these days where jobs are few and far between, than for him to be wandering aimlessly through life not knowing what he wants.

So after more conversations about it all last night, unless they won't have him, later in the year our little family unit could be cut from 5 to just 2 as the three older boys go off into the world within a short space of time.