Friday, 24 August 2007

I dont know where I am............ but thats ok

I have tried unsuccessfully not to think about forest too much while he is away.
I have tried to occupy myself
I have tried to remove him from my mind
I have tried searching dating sites for someone to replace him
I have chatted on msn
I have had text conversations
I have exchanged emails

I have not been frantic
I have not been in a panic
I have not been throwing myself at every available man
I have not been totally good
I have not been terribly naughty either
I have not kept Forest from my mind

In the past week I have had offers
Oxo asked me to visit him and stay over I declined
Fireman Sam has hinted and I said maybe
Fireman Sam has even asked me to play with him I declined
Rusty has teased me with his text
Rusty has requested a repeat of our previous meeting I can't decide
Do these men think that I am avoiding them personally

I want to keep occupied
I dont want to think
yet I feel disinclined to accept these offers
it isn't that I have gone off sex
It isn't that I am saving myself
I just don't feel in a space where sex is everything
I feel as though these offers are something I can take or leave
I am choosing to leave for the moment and just be here
I leave my boys while I indulge in pleasure often enough
for the moment I shall just be here with them

I am not feeling the peaks and troughs that go with passion
I am feeling serene and calm
no need to rock the boat
I am happy just chatting, texting and emailing
I am connecting with friends old and new
just being me

I am trying to work out what I want
I am trying to work out what I dont want
I am lost without emotion
but that is ok