Monday, 29 September 2008

catching up

Where to start?

Saturday morning I went off to put a deposit on the car DC wanted to buy. Then I had to juggle my money so that there was enough in my current account so that DC could get the insurance set up, he had to pay for two months in advance then pays nothing for two months. This meant that I was left with very little to buy food but that was ok as DC was going to pay me back in cash when he got home. I spent a couple of hours with my mum in the afternoon.

Whilst at my mums she had a phone call, I could only hear her side of it but it was very soon apparent who and what the call was.

'no SF I can't lend you any money.'

'no I am a bit short myself at the moment'

'well I can lend you £20 that I have in my purse'

'I don't want you to come here'

'no don't come here and don't try to see LiR'

'I will give the money to her so she can give it to one of the boys to give you'

'No you will have to arrange to meet one of the boys'

No prizes for working that one out. I phoned OJ who said that his dad had rung him asking if he could lend him any money.

' I told him I don't have any and nor does mum.'

Sunday was another warm sunny day, I drove DC to where his new car was, he signed on the dotted line and paid his money. I drove around the corner and waited for him to follow but he didn't then I saw him in my rear view mirror talking to the guy he had just bought the car from. A few minutes later I got a text from DC

flat battery!

Jump leads and a couple of minutes with the engine running he was ready to go. So now my son has a car that he can afford to run so he shouldn't have any need to borrow mine.

I spent my afternoon at the cinema with my mum. The Duchess was a very moving and interesting film. Kiera Knightley' Duchess was a very powerful character,you could help feel her pain and frustrations.

I ended my day by having a long conversation with Forest. The start of this conversation was quite painful for me. We were not talking about our past, that is in the past now and we have moved on. But he was asking me about Romeo. I have been finding these last few weeks hard to cope with as I had not heard from Romeo for three weeks which is longer than any other time that I have not heard from him. I am and always have been confident that I just have to be patient and he would be back and I know that as soon as I hear from him I shall be fine. But talking to Forest made the whole situation worse for me. The questions he asked (the same questions everyone myself included) put doubts in my mind that I can't afford to have there. In order to survive these absences I need to be strong and patient and have absolute faith and trust in Romeo. When someone sows these seeds of doubt in my mind it hurts me. I had to change the subject.

Oh yes thats when things began to get hot. Among other things the conversation turned to Lotto, I am not saying why or how that subject came up. But to cut a long story short I was telling Forest about my conversation with Lotto last weekend, when he tried to be my master. He was very half hearted about it and caved in to me very easily. This led to me telling Forest that he would be good at being a Master. He is a passive aggressive, or so I thought a couple of times when we were together. Well it was like a light being switched on. Forest went into Dom mode and yes I would say that he has the making of a Dom, now this is a side to him that I never saw before.

Anyway having talked to him last night and following a text I got this morning from Aunty in reply to a text I sent to her on Saturday I was feeling rather depressed and hurt about Romeo. So much so that I was feeling like he was ignoring me. I wanted to send him a text telling him that he was hurting me but I didn't I just got on with my work and plastered a smile on my face everytime I answered the phone. I am not quite sure if I mentioned the other week that another of my customers has been chatting me up. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for his email address meaning his work one but he gave me his personal email address. We have exchanged a couple of emails nothing much.

Today I was given a message to phone him as he wanted to place an order. We must have been chatting for at least half an hour as I was taking his order. During the conversation he insisted on giving me his mobile number. I text him later to let him know that his order had been packed and would be delivered tomorrow. So now he has my mobile number. Perhaps that was a mistake. I really enjoyed chatting to him and our conversation lifted my spirits. So my depression was beginning to lift so I was feeling much happier. I think this guy could be featuring here a bit more so I had better give hima name. Paulo.

To my utter suprise I got a text from Romeo at lunch time telling me he has just returned from a trip to the far east. I guess he will be getting over jet lag for the next few days so I have just replied that I had started to get worried about him. I shall just leave him be now and wait for him to contact me. Although I enjoyed chatting to Forest last night I really wish he hadn't sown the seeds of doubt in my mind.

As for Paulo, I had only been in the house for 10 minutes when he phoned me just because he wanted to hear my voice. Apparently he finds my voice very sexy and I intrigue him. We talked about families (he has been seperated 6 months) homes, he wants to get my shower fixed for me (so he can share it with me tut tut)and we talked about food, dieting and gyms. Again we chatted for a good half an hour. I have had 5 emails from him in the last hour. Ok so he wouldn't keep sending them if I didn't reply. But I do enjoy talking to him.

So now I don't know where I am at. I have such strong feelings for Romeo but I feel hurt by his lack of communications in the last two months. I guess I shall just see how things pan out with Romeo over the next few weeks. If we can't progress in the next month then there is no point in carrying on all it is doing is hurting me. It hurts me that I am beginning to feel this way because I really felt we had something special. Perhaps its just the length of his absence then what Forest was saying last night that I just can't fully shake off.

Friday, 26 September 2008

Trying not to dance

The day started off a little badly, not terrible but not as it should have done.

My alarm didn't go off as it should have done, so I overslept (although some of the credit for that goes to the blogger I was chatting to on msn until I fell asleep). It seems that ET had turned my radio alarm off yesterday instead of letting it switch off on its own at 8am as it does every day. So at 7.30 I left the house a few minutes late only to discover that my car was not parked in its usual place. When will I learn???

Last night DC was going into the City with his work mates. His car was untaxed so I said he could borrow mine if he got a few bits of shopping for me first. He said he wouldn't drink and would be home early. Oh really!!! So why was it that when I rang him he was 'just leaving'.

Just leaving!!! Just leaving where??

The City and not just the city but the part furthest away and in the rush hour!!!!!

He finally arrived home with my car at 8.20 when I should have been at work before 8.00am. I finally got there at 9am. I'm not worried that I will have to make up the time though. I am always early, only take 30 mins for lunch and nearly always work 30 + mins later than I am meant to.

Anyway my day got better, mid morning I was given a piece of cherry and coconut cake (don't tell Trixie). One of our temporary temps makes cakes for a cafe and brought some in. It was very nice even if I am trying to be good.

But the best was saved for later.

Mid afternoon I was asked to look after the phones. As I returned to my desk from a foray into accounts NL was asked to go to the boardroom for a moment. I had an idea what that was about but was still suprised when he returned to his desk, put his coat on and was gone. so the deed has been done, my main source of stress in last few months has gone at last.

So I am trying hard not to DANCE, I want to dance and sing and show how happy I am. Less stress, less work, less frustration, less complaints.

Just to top that I have just been given an envelope containing £500 cash. DC is trying to sell his car and buy another cheaper one. The seller wasn't there today when DC had his day off but will be there tomorrow when DC will be working until 5pm. So good old mum has to go put a deposit on it for him or maybe even pay for it. Generously DC has said I can keep the extra £5. Now what shall I spend it on?

Thursday, 25 September 2008

a question of no style

Following my post last night vincent asked about my comment that I had power dressed on Tuesday. I thought I would do a fashion post or lack of fashion maybe depending on your perspective.

On Monday I was feeling light and feminine so I went to work wearing a long pale pink skirt that I obtained during my ebay flurry in august.

This was teamed up with a thin cerise sweater.

My outfit was finished off with these pale pink shoes.

By contrast on Tuesday when I wanted to feel more confident and strong I chose a very different outfit. Short black pinstripe skirt, black tank top blouse and jacket finished with black stockings and black court shoes.

Wednesday I was feeling strong enough not to need the power suit so I wore black trousers, with a red camisole under a sheer black blouse embroidered with stars, finishing the out fit with these red shoes.

Today I went for a softer look wearing the black trousers again but this time with a white short sleeved blouse with a pink scarf and my pink sling back shoes.

I wonder what I shall choose tomorrow

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Update and accusations

I am relieved to tell you that after Monday life has settled down a little. Having talked to ET on Monday he went to college on Tuesday and seems to be in a happier place. I now think that his 'quitting college' was a knee jerk reaction to missing his train. I also think he now realises what a big step he would be making and probably not in his best interests to quit.

On the other subject, to bolster my courage I 'power dressed' for work on Tuesday to give myself more strength. In the end we didn't hear from SF at all on Tuesday. As he had said he doesn't have my phone numbers (even the house phone number was changed after he moved out). If he wants to speak to me he has to call one of our sons on their mobiles. We have all agreed that he can't stay here, that makes it easier for me knowing that our boys don't want him here. Tonight OJ had a missed call from him but none of us have spoken to him, I am still dreading his next call but I know there can only be one answer if he asks again about staying here.

On a different subject, back to that other boring topic, my work. One of our Reps made an accusation to me the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to him in a short period of time that morning. He said I was talking to him in a sexy voice and wondered why. I told him I wasn't I was just talking the way I normally do. I'm not sure he was convinced and I have not spoken to him again since. No thats not true I did speak to him again a short time later. Ok I confess I did alter my voice slightly when I answered the phone knowing it was him but I thought I was just speaking nicely. Perhaps it was more a case of what I said rather than how. The first time he called he said

'Oh hi LiR, how are you?'

'I'm fine .....all the better for speaking to you'.

my reply was just a bit of tongue in cheek fun, we have always got on ok, I have never flirted with him in any way shape or form so perhaps I caught him off guard.

So after he accused me of talking in a sexy voice, once I had denied it I had to make sure I kept my voice the same each time he called. I wonder how long I can keep this going. I have never met him as he is based in the north. Although one of our other more local Reps he lives in a small Kentish town that I knew well in my childhood, and visits our office every few months. He is not far off retirement but I can still wind him up so that he tells me I have made him 'come over all unnescessary'. Who says work can't be fun? Oh yes Bob was saying something crude to WM about what to do with an 18" roller sleeve, they both looked at me and said they wouldn't ask me what I would do with it. WM did mutter about it would need a lot of batteries though. I really don't know what they could be insinuating. Don't they know that I am a shy, innocent, naive single mum. Now Trixie don't spray your coffee everywhere. I am innocent I tell you.....stamps foot and goes off to the corner to hide with an impish grin spread across my face.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Bloody hell!!

Work was fine today even with NL back, it was a very quiet day which meant that I could get on with catching up with some of the things that have been put to one side for weeks. But whilst I was enjoying my work there were other problems rearing their ugly heads.

First I had a missed call from home while I was away from my desk, this was followed by a text from OJ.

ET needs to get his act together, cos this is 3rd day off out of 11 which is way below the compulsory 85% so dont be suprised if you get called in.

WTF when I left this morning ET was up and getting ready for college so what was OJ on about?

I rang home and ET answered, I asked him why he was home, he had missed the train so didn't go to college as he would have missed his first lesson. He is quitting college and has applied for a job at Co-op. I can't deal with this now so I will talk to him later. When I got home I discussed thi with all the boys, we all agree that ET can't give up college after just 2 weeks. He has agreed to stay at college until half term, then if he still feels that college is not for him he can leave but only on the condition that he has found himself a job that will pay him enough to be able to pay me the money I will lose when he is nolonger in education. So we will have to see what he does.

Then this evening their father phoned asking if he can sleep on my sofa until 10th October, hes very down and if he can't find anywhere that is near enough for him to walk to work (in town) at 4.30am each day then he will get under a rail line. Not sure how he would 'get under a rail line' but he seems to think he will. In other words hes blackmailing me. 'Give me a roof over my head or the boys lose their father'.

I told him 'no' time and time again but he kept begging, in the end I said I would think about it but wasnt making any promises.

I can't have him here and I don't know why he thinks otherwise. He told me that he doesn't mind if I have someone, he wont be any bother. Bloody cheek. As far as I am aware he doesn't know about Romeo and I would like it to stay that way for the moment, not that Romeo seems to be much in evidence at the moment. I wish he was around giving me the moral support I need right now.

Whilst I feel sorry for him I can't allow him into my home, into our lives. How do I stand firm and stop him from wearing me down on this. If he was still being objectionable it would be easy. But as we have been civil for the last year, it has become harder to say no without appearing cold hearted. I just know he is going to lay the guilt on me.

Right now I need Romeo to hold me and tell me that he will stand with me as I stand firm against this man.

Sunday, 21 September 2008

blowing away the cobwebs

Darling, for once it is a warm sunny sunday afternoon and I am looking out to sea from the place where we shared our first kisses. I miss you so much with all my body and soul. xxxxxxxxxxx

I was sitting on top of my favourite hill with the city spread out below me surrounded with blue sea under an almost cloudless blue sky. I didn't stop long, just long enough to write and send my text to Romeo. Before reaching this spot I had spent 45 mins driving at speed (averaging 80 - 90mph along the coast road to Chichester and back again, windows down, wind in my hair, music up loud, singing my heart out. Is there a better way to spend a quiet sunday afternoon, when my lover is away.

I had a headache all day saturday, and no that was not the countless rum and cokes I drank on an empty stomach on friday night. This was a tension headache, partially down to the ever present money worries. Did I mention that I had written to the child tax Credit agency to put their records straight. Last year they thought I was entitled to tax credit for DC until he turned 20 in feb but I was not claiming for OJ who is doing a 2 year A'level course at college!!

So now they have amended their records. In July they had increased my money by £60 per week now they have halved it, So I am back where I was before July, scratching around for every penny, but one of my debts has only £8.77 left to pay in October and another ends in November and another in December so progress is being made although it is slow going. At least the petrol prices are going down I paid £1.06 today at Asda.

Added to this is the worry about what to do about our shower. I mentioned a while ago that our shower was not working as it should and someone cae out to look at it. I thought I was being fobbed off when he said it was just a case of cleaning the nodules. I am stil not convinced as there was no change in water flow through the nodules but I did buy a new head and it did make a difference. However, on friday morning I left the shower running while I made my cereal, when I went back upstairs I thought someone had turned it off but it was still on, only no water was coming from it. There was not much I could do about it at that time. So a quick strip wash and off to work, feeling dirty and yukky all day until I managed to grab a quick bath before I dashed out again for the marriage blessing.

Now my problem is that although I could live with having a bath every morning (short term) it is going to be a problem with 5 of us trying to get ready every morning. So I need to get the agency to come out and fix the shower which means being here when they decide to come out!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy.

I am also fed up because I have been trying to lose weight again but I seem to be gaining or at least my clothes are getting tighter. I feel like a bloated whale at the moment, which doesn't help my confidence. I really want to look good when Romeo returns but I feel as though I have become the michelin.

So that is why I have been suffering with headaches plus the tension at work which will hopefully improve soon. NL was poorly on friday and I begged Boss Lady to send him home, but she wouldn't because she didn't think he deserved to go home. But by 10.30 am we had all had enough and off he went, leaving me on my own and it was lovely. Oh and I was a bit naughty too, I asked one of my favourite customers if he had an email address (meaning a work one) but we ended up exchanging personal email addresses. (there has been an email exchange over the weekend).

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed with no headache but it did gradually return, so when I set off to go shopping I decided to have a run down the motorway and back to blow away the cobwebs as it were, had I got more time I would have just kept on going but I needed to be in Asda by 3ish. Who knows how far I would have gone without the time restraint, Bognor ? Littlehampton? Worthing? or maybe even as far as Brighton. One thought did occur to me as I was racing towards Chichester, it is now a year since my last late night visit to Bognor.

back to the grindstone now

Friday, 19 September 2008

Quiet Lady

Sorry I have been a bad blogger

In the last couple of weeks life has got in the way of blogging. Mostly that has been due to falling asleep but that also includes apathy. Not rushing to my blog to write a post or reply to comments. I think a lot of it is just being very tired all the time. I do read and appreciate the comments left here but just don't have the energy or the words to reply. I have not even been to visit all my favourite blogs, don't ask me why because I don't know the answer.

I am writing this quick post now mainly because I am off out again tonight for another wedding. So that is one funeral and two weddings in 8 days.

I am I guess feeling down because I have not heard from Romeo (his last text sunday before last telling me he was thinking about me). I am not worried or fretting that there is anything wrong between us. I am quite confident on that score. But I miss him so much. I have been through the various stages of being frantic that a day then two passed with no word, the need to be in contact everyday. The anxiety of how often should I text email him when I am getting no response. I am now in the calm space where I just wait th here from him, I am not constantly checking my phone or email. But in the evenings I find myself gazing at his picture willing him to be in contact. I open my phone to send him a text but have nothing to say. There are only so many times/ways of texting 'I miss you' without being like a broken record. I feel sad, alone, unloved, distant. But I know that when he returns he will let me know hes back and it will be as though this distance never was.

I am busy at work and tired at home, I am not just sitting around moping. When I have caught up with sleep and have the energy I am going to crack on with more writing. Anyway, I am still here just being quiet in the corner where I am not intruding on the world. Give me a few days and I shall bounce back all bright and breezy as usual.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

are you local?

Sunday morning I set off with my mum for the long drive up to Norwich. But first we had to stop for fuel. Being the attentive daughter I am I prepared to deliver the fuel to the car but mum decided to do this herself which was fine until she had finished. As she removed the nozzle from the tank she must have given it another squeeze. Yes you guessed it she splashed diesel down the front of the long skirt I was wearing. I thought I had managed to jump out of the way but no. It wasn't really until later that I realised the extent of the damage. Even hanging my skirt in the en suite bathroom couldn't hide the fumes. Each time we opened the door of our twin room the stink of diesel hit us smack in the face.

This meant that I drove hoe on Monday wearing the pink chiffon skirt I had worn for the wedding, not my casual beige skirt as I had intended.

The drive up didn't take as long as it could have done, primarily becasue after an hour and half of travelling at about 60mph (why did we have to be in the middle lane !!!!) we stopped at what I have been told are the most expensive Services in the UK, whether that is so I don't know. Fro there I took over the driving as mother's leg was hurting. so now we could go at a more comfortable speed, 70mph until I was sure I was not only used to the car but that mother was comfortable with me driving and began to relax. Soon I was making good time keeping to around 80mph. I was enjoying the freedom of driving a car that I knew I could accelerate easily to over take whenever I wanted to, no need to get stuck behind slow traffic simply because I was afraid of trying to pull ou and pass them with faster cars coming up on the outside. I could keep up with anyone. I was the Lady of the road for those few hours. (my version of king of the road).

The hotel was lovely (only about 20 rooms) , the groom was very nervous until the bride arrived. The bride was beautiful in a gorgeous gold lace dress. The food whilst nothing spectacular was good. The bestman (groom's sister) gave a very funny (humourous not odd) speech. I won the raffle prize for our table, the glass vase containing single red rose complete with jeweled pin. (But I left it behind on Monday). The dancing was energetic for me as I rarely dance, I was glowing so much that must have been at least 1lb of my weight although it felt like 1stone.

Next morning we all met for english breakfast in the main dining room before setting off in convoy to have a tour of the happy couple's new home. Huh I guess the groom is not used to leading a convoy especially along mile after tortuous mile of country lanes and staggered junctions. He set off at such a pace with others in hot pursuit that the car behind me couldn't keep up. Plus the bride and one other car had been left behind. I tried to keep far enough behind the car ahead of me that I could keep track of where they went whilst keeping the car behind me just about in my mirror. This was managed until we crossed one A road too many. The car behind lost sight of us and was not to be seen for the last few miles. I couldn't hang back and wait for him as I would have been lost too so I caught up with the others. Once at our destination I mentioned that we had lost our friend. Not to worry too much as they phoned for directions.

The house and garden are perfect as were our host and hostess. Can you believe that just before we left we discovered that among us were a family who live less than a mile from me and I drive past their house everyday. Yet I had to drive 458 (round trip) to meet them.

No internet at home, but hoping to get it up and running again soon. Funeral was good (for a funeral), Wedding was lovely.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Just a quiet day

After the last two days I have spent most of Saturday just trying to catch up on some sleep. I have not slept properly all week. Each time I feel exhaustion sweep over me the coughing starts until I am doubled over with tears streaming down my face. This means that for night after night I ahve been awake at 1am, 2am etc. Friday night I didn't fall asleep properly until around 4am, which meant that when the day began I felt dreadful.

I have spent much of my day (apart from when I was shopping and buying a train season ticket for ET) sitting on my bed with my laptop just surfing, falling asleep in the middle of reading blogs. So if anyone's stats show that I have been sat on their blog for hours on end I wasn't stalking you I was drifting in and out of sleep, hence I have left very few comments anywhere today.

Now I need to go empty the tumbledryer and iron the clothes I need for the next two days. In the morning I shall be going off to Norfolk for The Wedding so I won't be on here again until Monday afternoon/evening.

Friday, 12 September 2008

two very different days I don't want to repeat

All week I have had trouble sleeping with this rotten cough. Each morning I have woken feeling dreadful.

Thursday I knew from the outset was going to be a hard day workwise. It isn't helped by the fact that I have become used to having my early mornings to myself, being up and out before any other member of the family. Every 4 or 5 weeks DC is working the early shift 8am until 4pm, but he still doesn't need to be up and about as early as me as he works closer to home. As from last week JA was back at school which means I must make sure he is up and out of bed before I leave the house. Then at the start of this week ET started college, for the first couple of days he had to catch the 9am train so that wasn't so bad but Thursday and Friday it was the 8am train. Wednesday OJ went back to college, catching the same trains as ET. This has been DC's week to work early. So the last few days have seen all 5 of us getting in each other's way as we get ready for the day ahead. aaaaagggrrrrrrr.

Thursday morning I was sorting myself out when ET got to the shower before me, drat that is going to put me behind schedule. Plus I need to go to the garage on the way to work to get some money. SF was meant to call round on wednesday evening (he even rang to tell me he was bringing me not only the money he had borrowed but the £100 he pays me each month) he didn't turn up. Whilst I was waiting for ET to finish in the shower I heard the travel news a lorry had over turned on the motorway diversions were in place. I text PB in case she hadn't heard it. By the time I had showered and dressed I was later leaving than I had wanted considering the possible traffic problem. At the garage there was only one person serving and a couple of customers taking for ever. Finally setting off I could see as I came down the hill towards the motorway that already the traffic was slowing down even though the overturned lorry was at the far end of the motorway just where it becomes an A road.

I wasn't going to sit in that! I diverted myself to go up over the hill but there was more traffic than normal for that time in the morning going that way. Obviously others had the same idea. As the road crossed the motorway I could see below me 4 lanes of stationary red lights. As the hill road climbed higher I joined the back of the traffic crawling along at 20mph but at least we were moving unlike the traffic below. Because it was still early and the weather dull I could see lines of headlights trying unsucessfully to escape the city, while similar lines of red lights sat waiting to circumnavigate the same city. Turning on my radio I heard that the overturned lorry contained gas canisters, an exclusion zone of 200m was being implemented. Nothing was moving in either direction down there.Meanwhile the traffic on the hill had become stop start as other vehicles tried to join us from the various lanes that criss cross my favourite road. Eventually I arrived at work after an hour (a journey that would normally take me 20 minutes). Every road in the area had become gridlocked. Boss Lady is usually in the office by 7.30 didn't arrive until after 8.30. It didn't matter which direction you came from you had to get caught in the problems.

By the time I arrived at work I was feeling quite poorly, at first I thought I was out of breath but soon realised that even with my cold my breathing was fine but my heart was beating 20 to the dozen. It took me a good half an hour to feel calm, I know this had nothing to do with the chaos on the roads, I was not stressed out about that. I was also in a lot of abdominal pain which I worked out to be trapped wind probably as a result of all the coughing I had been doing over the recent days and nights. A couple of pain killers soon eased that problem.

The office has been strained this week, with NL seemingly oblivious to the unacceptable amount of problems his incompetence has been causing. It has been noted that for one reason or another from the middle of August until the middle of October there is not one day when every member of the sales team are in the office. However it is becoming increasingly evident that NL is more of a hinderance than a help. We cannot carry on this way, something has to change. I have over the last couple of months been alarmed to discover that where I had believed myself to be very patient and enjoy teaching people on a one to one basis, I can in fact be very impatient with this young man. (as a person he is a perfectly nice young man). I try to be friendly towards him, but I CANNOT WORK WITH HIM. If it had been anyone else I could have taken some time off to get myself well again even if it was just a case of leaving a little early, but he cannot be left unsupervised. I dread to think what has occurred today while there was just him and BG(part time) and the boss. NL cannot even be trusted to take a message, it seems to be asking the impossible for him to obtain the name and company plus phone number. (there sure are a lot of "chaps" in his world).

Anyway I finally got home from work and collapsed in a heap on my bed feeling as though I had been fed through a wringer. While I dozed JA took it upon himself to feed all four boys. OJ was very impressed, as of course was I when I heard. SO Thursday was a day I don't want to repeat again in a hurry.

Today Friday was another day I don't want to repeat too soon but for very different reasons. I had sat up chatting to my mentor until gone midnight before being industriuos on my laptop, finally managing to fall asleep around 2am only to wake up at 5am Again!!! (thats every day this week). I was awake when the boys were getting ready for school/college, but too tired to get up. I dozed off again not needing to be at my mum's until later. I arrived at my mum's house in glorious warm sunshine. Managing to squeeze my car onto her drive I left the windows open about 5" to stop my car getting too hot in case DC used my car to transport people to the crematorium (I was going in the Limo).

I had plated up the food for later and was enjoying a cup of tea when my brother D his wife S and R (who I will tell you about another time, it is very complicated)all arrived. As we sat chatting the clouds burst open just then DC and JA arrived running from DC's car, they were soaked. Everyone kept telling me that my car windows were open, tossing my keys to DC he turned and ran back out to close my windows for me. Poor lad when he came back in he was soaked to the skin. My mum tried to dry him off with her hair dryer but that wasn't working so I suggested we iron his shirt, that worked lol. Its a good thing we still had plenty of time. As per usual T and his wife J (Tom and Jerry as D calls them) arrived not long before we the car was due to arrive.

My Grandpa didn't follow any faith so this was not a religious funeral, we started off with some Greek music as he had always loved Greece this was followed by my mum telling the story of her dad's life. Next some quiet reflection time as we listened to some bird song to celebrate his love of the New Forest. Next the part I had been dreading, I stood in front of these people (most of them my family) and read out the memories I had written down from the times my brothers and I had spent with Grandpa as children. I have always had problems with speaking to a group of people, one or two I can manage but more than that I feel my face turning red and my eyes water. But I was prepared to give this a try in the knowledge that if it became too difficult the Funeral Director would take over for me. However I managed to keep reading to the end and apparently read it well and clearly so that even in the back row I was heard. I was complimented even on the way it was written. My memories were followed by the reading of "Death is nothing at all" by canon Henry Scott-Holland. We finished off with a rendition of "The Essex boy" Brass Band music that he loved (especially appropriate for a man born and bred in Essex).

At the end of it all I can say that it was a lovely funeral and the lady from the Nursing home who came along left saying that she wants hers to be like that. But I shall repeat that that this day s not one that I want to do again just yet.

Of the dozen funerals I have now attended this was the second that was more a family celebration of a life than a religious ceremony. Do you all know what kind of funeral you want? Will it be a burial, cremation, a green funeral, will your passing be mourned or your life celebrated? .

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

A new Decision

When I was in my late teens a few years ago, who am I kidding, a decade or three ago, I began to write childrens stories. Nothing fancy, not even very good, they were for my own amusement, occasionally I allowed friends to see them.

In October 1983 a very important lady left my world. I was devastated to say the least, that sunday morning I walked from one end of town to the other and back again, finally ending up at a friend's family home. Even at such an eary hour on an Autumn Sunday, my grief stopped me from staying wrapped up in my warm cosy bed, the bed I had only got into a few brief hours earlier. I felt selfish, I was so wrapped up in my own distress that I was not ready to comfort my mother in her hour of need. I had sat on the stairs and sobbed even before the news was passed on. I knew without being told you see.

The very fact that the phone had rung at 6am on a sunday was warning enough, but hearing his voice on the line, cracking up as he asked to speak to my mother. There was only one thing this unexpected call could mean. Like many men, especially in those days, he didn't like to talk on the phone, preferring to let his wife do this for him. But on this sad occasion he had no choice, his wife was gone, taken from him in the night, he was the only one who could do this. It was his duty and his need to be the one to tell his daughter that her mother was nolonger by his side.

My sadness was so consuming that it tainted my joy in writing, I could no longer continue to amuse myself by writing. Over the years I wished I could again pick up my pen, but it just was not to be. Then in January 2007 it began. I wrote a fantasy, I enjoyed writing it. My friends enjoyed reading it so I wrote more. Over the past 18 months I have written a number of pieces. Not as much as I would like although I have a growing store of beginnings, locked away in a file called creative writing. Last September I joined a creative writing class and really enjoyed it. I stopped going at Christmas when I began to work full time hours, I needed to give myself time to get used to working longer hours. I enjoy my work so the longer hours don't worry me but I do get tired.

I had been pondering whether to go back to my writing classes. I have now made my decision with the help of my grandpa. One of the pices I wrote for the class last year was inspired by the retirement home where he was living at the time. I enjoy that piece which was so different to anything else I had written. Now that my Grandpa has died I could give up writing as I did when my Granny died but instead I am going to write more than ever.

I added another new widget so who is going to be first to use it. just click on the link to follow this blog

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

which path

Completely shattered after a very poor night, full off cold I didn't get to sleep before 2am and was awake again by 4.40am just about ready to go back to sleep when it was time to get up for work. I sneezed and coughed my way through the day, feeling really out of sorts, just about managing to last until it was time to leave on time for a change (just goes to show how poorly I was feeling). Driving home was a nightmare, heavy rain and spray meant poor visibility, very slow stop start traffic with me having to concentrate 500% just to focus on the road. I just about managed to get through the door before collapsing on my bed. Having rung home earlier to let OJ know that he would be cooking dinner tonight as I would be going straight to bed.

So I have been dozing on and off all evening, feeling more awake now but with no intention of writing a blog post................yeah right so what do you call this then I hear you say. Now are you sitting comfortably, there are cushions scattered around my side bar if you need one (sorry they all seem to be RED or PINK) and I will begin.

Not wanting to go to the bother of writing a post I decide to satisfy my blog addiction by visiting a few of my blog pals. One of these is Trousers, he isn't a frequent visitor here, just as I visit him from time to time but not religiously. We have met a couple of times and he is not only a lovely man but interesting too. Anyway I am reading his post about having a panic attack which by the way rings a couple of bells for me. I move onto his comment box and find several references to people arriving from the Black Boxes Widget. Now just like a cat or is that a pussy I am always curious so I have scrolled up and down his blog a few times looking for this Black Box thingy but there is nothing there so I move on amd forget about it.

After I have had my fix of blogs I went over to face book which I do infrequently, there was a link on there from dj Kirkby for the Black Boxes widget. So now my curiousity really has been piqued. Following the link I find myself on Caroline Smailes blog. Now I have seen Caroline comment on blogs and dj mentions her frequently but I have never checked her out myself. It now appears that Caroline has a new book titled Black Boxes, another blogger has designed this rather smart widget along the theme of Caroline's book. You click on a set of choices and depending on your answers it takes you to a mystery blog. The more people take part the more blogs you will visit. (If you are a slave to blog hits this could be right up your street).

So I had a go at it and wouldn't you just know it, first blog it takes me to is Trousers. I have had several other goes and gone to other blogs I wouldn't have visited otherwise.

Here is the widget so you can all join in with the fun. I have already installed it in my side bar so you can continue to play anytime. I figured after the last week I needed to have a little frivolity on my blog.

Its drafty here

Did I mention that my mum wanted her three children to each read out our memories of her dad at his funeral on Friday. Today she had a meeting with the Funeral Director ( a fellow Rotarian) who suggested as we will be pushed for time we should have one reading of our collective memories. So muggins has been charged with the task of writing these memories up. Mother has spoken to T and I spoke to D who has yet to come back to me with his memories.

so I have done a first draft of memories, I thought I would try it out on you lucky lot. I have decided, without conferring with the brothers, that instead of writing it as though I am describing memories to people who don't know him (we all do). I am doing it as though this is just another visit where we reminisce about the past. See what you think, does this work. your

feed back would be appreciated.

Hello Grandpa Bill,

Are you awake?

It’s LiR and I have D and T with me, we have been talking about the things we remember from when we were children. Do you remember all those times we went with you when you walked your dog Candy through woodlands and along winding farm tracks. Do you remember the treats you always carried in your pockets, there were dog biscuits for Candy and foxes glacier mints for the rest of us. As we walked along you would tell us things, sometimes it was about the countryside around us and other times your adventures on your travels. T has been remembering the humour in your stories, I always liked to hear about the time when you were stopped from boarding a plane after a visit to India, you had gone so brown that they thought you were a native.

In your younger days with your love of gardening you always had that tanned weather beaten colour, unlike these last years when you lost most of that colour through being stuck inside so much. But wasn’t it lovely for you to sit in the sun lounge when you were living at Oak Mount. Do you remember that day when a bird got inside and couldn’t escape, I was so afraid that you would have a panic attack with the fear of birds that you always had but you were brave and allowed me to encourage him to the open window.

When we were children and we stayed with you and Granny Pat, you spent a lot of time tending your garden, it was always bright with flowers, but the brightest of them all were the marigolds, proper ones not like those French ones you see so much now. We all remember sitting quietly while you watched your favourite Western Films, or if it wasn’t westerns you liked to watch Top of the pops but your favourite bit was always when those dancing girls ‘Pans People’ were dancing to the latest hit.

After you retired and moved down to the middle of nowhere, deep in the heart of Dorset , you had your work cut out for you in the form of pesky moles. You tried everything known to man to get them out of your vegetable garden. Mind you I am sure us children caused as much damage to your garden as the moles did. If we were not building a camp out of bits of wood we were chasing butterflies with our nets.

By the time you moved to Village we were all growing up and doing our own thing so we didn’t see you so much anymore. But just because we didn’t visit so often didn’t mean you were forgotten, just as you won’t be forgotten now. We all have children of our own now and you are a great grandpa to DC, OJ, ET, JA, HM, H and E. As well as those little boys in America, Uncle Rick's grand children through his adopted daughters A and S.
Grandpa Bill your memory will always live on in our hearts and in the pictures you created with your eye for detail in every painting you did. I am sure each of us will visit with you again soon so for now sleep in peace until you feel the touch on your arm to let you know we are here once again.

Your loving grandchildren LiR (Nellie as only you could call me) D and T.

Sunday, 7 September 2008

62 is not enough

I was just scrolling down and noticed the labels section of my side bar. It tells me that I have written 62 posts that mention Romeo. I can't believe that it isn't more considering that I have written 191 posts so far in 2008 and I did find Romeo in February and I wrote less posts in both January and Februaury than in any other month this year. So now I feel a need to redress that situation.

Did I tell you that he is 6' and well built (not fat at all just right for his height). In the first few days I asked him what would be the first thing I would notice about him. He told me it would be his presence. Yes he does have a presence about him, not just at close quarters but in his phone calls too. He is ever present in my day no matter where in the world he is. Not a day and possibly not an hour goes by when I don't think about him at least once.

He has a full head of brown hair so soft and clean, no gunk of any description, a joy to run my fingers through. To match his brown hair he, like me has hazel eyes, full of mischief and desire.

His hands are large but soft and gentle yet still strong enough to hold both of mine in one of his as he pins me down hands behind my back. His nails clean and well kept, no jagged edges to catch on my soft skin.

His lips are soft and inviting to be kissed and he will get no argument from me there. Every day I long for more of his kisses. I can just taste his mouth on mine which just makes me hunger for him even more.

are you feeling sick yet?

shall I go on or have you had enough for today?

Oh yes there is one more thing, I was talking to auntie again yesterday, yes I know it has only been a week since the last time. We talked about Grandad and about SF (damn that man I found out last night he has borrowed money from DC and OJ as well as me). Then she said lets have another look at Romeo. I told her about an email I sent him on friday telling him that he had spoilt me with his text and emails in the early months and now I am greedy for more of the same. She says that made him smile. I won't go over the same things she told me last week. But she did say that he isn't in love with me but he isn't out of love either. He is right on the edge, whereas since we met I have fallen over the edge and am in love with him. (do you think that makes it official).......LiR is in love with Romeo.

She went on to tell me that he is in it for the long haul, he isn't going to leave me. If anyone decides to end this relationship it will be me, not because I fall out of love but because I might get fed up with waiting around for him. I know what she means because I do get fed up with all this waiting around, but at the moment I feel he is worth the wait. I think I would be hard pushed to ever again meet a man who is so very right for me. As auntie pointed out and I almost forgot she had said, we don't just desire each other but we genuinely like each other as people. We have enormous trust and respect for each other, how many couples can
say that?

Tears and Flowers

This morning along with my mother we travelled down through the New Forest to visit the little village church where my Granny was buried in October 1983. I was just 21 when she died, I was very close to my Granny, they had been due to visit us for a few days but she died of a massive heart attack during the night just a week before their proposed visit. The first thing I wanted to do when I heard the news, was to phone my Granny and tell her about this awful thing that had happened. Of course I couldn't ring her to tell her of my loss because she was the one I had lost.

I had inherited my love of writing from both my Granny and my mum. My Granny had a number of short stories published when I was a child, apparently she had a small income from her writing. In my late teens I had begun to dabble with a little creative writing of my own, just for my own amusement. But when she died so did my desire to write, I wanted to continue but somehow the flame had gone out. I didn't start writing again until January 2007, which was when I first began allowing others to read my work. I have made a decision to go back to writing classes and continue writing.

Today we visited her grave, we had meant to do so when we drove back from Bournemouth on Bank Holiday Monday, but didn't as we hadn't brought any flowers with us. My grandpa had done his best to tend her grave until he had to give up driving aged 90. Mother and I visited the grave when we could sometimes together but mostly alone. I think the last time I went was on the day of G's cremation 3 or was it 4 years ago. We left some potted flowers and I tidied up the headstone as best I could.

On the way we had talked about the funeral this coming Friday. It won't be a religious affair as unlike my Granny, my Grandpa didn't believe. So it will be a few pieces of music with a few words from mum about her dad's life then the hard part, I shall be reading out some of my memories of this man I am proud to be related to. My brothers will also do the same.

One piece of music my mum would like to play at the funeral but won't because listening to it has her in floods of tears is this one by one of her most favourite artists.

At the moment I am not feeling too great as I came down with a head cold on Friday, obviously my guard was down and the stinky rotten germs managed to get in under my defences. Maybe thats just my way of allowing the tears to escape. Considering that I am such an emotional person I find it very difficult to release any emotion in these times of sorrow, I don't cry or get angry, I was the same when my dad died prematurely aged 55. I was the same when I had Cancer. But when I have a head cold the tears stream down my face as though from a tap with a dodgy washer that just won't quite shut off. I guess its just another example of my upbringing, the British Stiff Upper Lip thing. Having to be strong, not collapsing in a heap in times of sorrow. My head tells me that I should allow myself to grieve but nothing comes. Maybe I have built a wall around my heart that keeps me going, yet I can read or watch something sentimental and I'm a sopping heap of tears why is that?

Saturday, 6 September 2008

I believe love blooms here

A funeral and then a wedding within 48 hours

My Grandpa (thats the name we used) or Grandpa Bill as he wanted us to call him Bill once we became adults but we just couldn't drop the Grandpa bit. He will be cremated on Friday at 3.15, it will only be a small gathering, my mum and me of course, both my brothers and their wives. My Grandpa's late partner G (they never married although they were together for 21 years until she was claimed by Cancer) younger son. My Brother D will be giving him a lift as although in his time he was a professional driver, even chauffeur to the stars (often Alan Titchmarsh) R is now almost completely blind in his early 60s. Possibly Rose (Grandpa had a soft spot for G's hairdresser) she became a close friend of his in the last few years,with her husband.

SF has expressed a wish to be there if I allow him, I have agreed on the proviso that he doesn't drink. My eldest son DC automatically made arrangements to have time off work, no question of not being there. JA my baby has also said he would like to attend. I will have to tell the school to let him out early. There may also be one or two people from the Nursing home, but there won't be anyone else, he has out lived his friends and older family. There is still a cousin who is in his 90s still living in East Anglia, they have not seen each other for many many years.

My mum was meant to be going away for a few days on Thursday, she and her friend Vee were going to Norfolk from Thursday until Sunday morning. Vee's husband M was due to pick me up (not literally but by car) sunday morning so that we could join them at a hotel not far from Norwich. Because at 3.30pm on sunday our mutual friend 'garden fairy' is getting married. We would stay the night in the hotel and make our way home again on monday. I booked the day off from work way back in March. Now that Grandpa has died and his funeral is on Friday mum and Vee have cancelled their short break. Garden fairy has said she would understand if we didn't want to go to the wedding. But we have both said we will be there with bells on. After all didn't I just spend my week's leave searching ebay for suitable clothing to wear for this special occassion.

The reason I call the bride 'garden fairy' is that when I was very ill back in 2001, I was not strong enough to work on my garden. GF would arrive at random times over the weekends and some evenings to tend my garden for me. She worked full time in a senior management post, has suffered for years with back problems, but she wanted to do this for me. She never told us she was there, she never wanted anything for her work. It would only be when someone saw her through the window or went to the door and found her crouched over my flowerbeds that we knew she was there. A few years ago GF and her elderly mother moved back to Norfolk where she had grown up. Not long after she moved she met a lovely semi retired man who has been a breath of fresh air in her life. I have met the groom a couple of times in the last couple of years and know that these two people are so well suited that it shows that even middle aged women can have their fairytales come true. They give me hope and inspire me, with belief that life can be good, you don't have to be young to be happy.

So on sunday we will be setting off early to attend Garden Fairy's wedding. She is such a lovely lady she deserves this happiness. Joking the other day I said to my mum that we have the wedding and the funeral all we need now is a baby. That was when she said, 'did you see the email from AD'? It seems that the one life for another cycle is repeating itself. A few years ago my mum's only brother died suddenly in a road accident in Texas where he had lived for many years. His adopted daughter from his second marriage gave birth to her first child 2 weeks later. Since then she has had 2 more sons, her latest email was to announce that she is expecting her 4th child in a few months. So now we have all three.

Friday, 5 September 2008

Feeling like death warmed up

By the time we arrived it was too late grandad had passed away.

I can't help feeling that he would have preferred it that way. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sat there watching for his last breath. Waiting for his last moment. We had said our goodbyes hours earlier. He had not been aware of what was happening for hours, he had had enough. We had been there for him when he was still conscious, that was more important to us and him.

Thursday was a strange day waking up feeling crap (having been awake until 5am) I still cant believe that at one point I told my mum I felt like death 'warmed up'. It was only later I realised what I had said. When I mentioned it to my mum she said she had noticed and had chuckled to herself. But she agreed that she felt as though she had a hangover. The day was a mixture of phone calls and sleeping.

One phone call I hadn't expected was SF, he had tried calling me at work. To give his sympathy?

No he didn't know grandad had gone. He does now and I have said he can attend the funeral (if he doesn't drink first). No he was phoning to ask me to lend him £50 to tide him over until he gets paid next week. I really wish he wouldn't put me in this situation. Most months I find myself just scraping through with no spare money. But I do still have money in the bank not that I want him to know that. I don't want to be lending him money but I feel that if I say no then he might be less willing to help me out next time I need it. (hopefully those days are now over). Equally I don't want to set a precedence for him to keep begging me for money every time he wants beer or cigarettes. I gave him £20. I could have managed more but don't feel it would be helpful to either of us if I did.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

unexpected emotions and thoughts

A day of unexpected emotions and thoughts.
Mid morning my mum called, my granddad had been taken to hospital, she was waiting to find out which hospital. In the meantime she had an appointment to see her consultant about her knee at 1pm. She would call me later to let me know which hospital grandad was now in. If it is the ‘Super Hospital’ which is more or less on my way home, I would visit him after work.
A short time later another call, he is in the Super Hospital would I be able to take her to visit him, with her bad knee she can’t walk from the car park it is to far.
What time do you want me to pick you up?
Now!! the hospital, have said I should come now, it might still be too late.
Abandoning my work saying I may or may not be back later I rush off to get my mum, 35 minutes later I have dropped her off at A & E whilst I find somewhere to park. A quick call home to let the boys know where I am, and off to find my mum. I am ok as I make my way across the car park and along the road passing buildings still under construction, but as I turn the corner towards A & E it hits me the last time I was here. But more about that later.
I was directed to where granddad was laying on a trolley surrounded by medical staff. A doctor was talking to mum. As soon as I arrived granddad seemed pleased to see me, holding out his hand and trying to say something. I took his hand in mine, for a few moments I really thought this is it, he’s going to die right here right now, while I’m holding his hand. He was trying to talk but I was not able to make out what it was. Already he had pulled off the oxygen mask, he is very weak, but his grip is firm. After a minute of stroking my hand he relaxes back against his pillows. My wild imagination convinces me that he is happy he has his daughter and granddaughter with him, now he can let go.
But I was wrong; he still has too much fight left in him. My granddad is 94 and has never been ill in his life until he caught pneumonia 18 months ago. This now is his third bout of pneumonia. The doctor explains that one of his lungs is now very bad. Mother and I follow as he is moved to an assessment ward. Still he fights off every attempt to give him an oxygen mask, even when one is successfully put in place it is not long before he has taken it off.
My granddad is lying in his hospital bed looking like a tiny white haired frail man little more than a skeleton. Drips and wires trailing fro his bed, his breathing a laboured rattle. He sleeps fitfully, we sit quietly by his side wanting to be there for him but knowing that he is past being aware of us. We are both becoming hungry so regretfully I left mum sitting there as I went in search of the shop for a sandwich and drink each. It didn’t take me long to find the corridor where the shop used to be, but it had moved. Ten minutes later back on the ward as we munched our sarnies the physio explained that she wants to try to shift the fluid from his lung by pushing a tube down his nose and into his lung. I can’t help feeling that this is wrong.
I don’t want to lose this man who I have loved all my life, the man who took us children on long country walks with his dog, always having mints in his pocket to hand out to everyone. The man I was slightly afraid of but loved anyway. The man who even after he retired was always up by 6am every day. The man who told me in 1983 when my gran died that he wouldn’t be here in 10 years time. The man who a year later was embarrassing me by asking my advice on how to keep an erection when he was with his new partner. The frail man who looked after his partner on his own until she was admitted to hospital with cancer in 2005. The man I would drive every weekend to visit his partner in Bournemouth Hospital until she died. The man who continued to live alone until he became too weak to manage and moved into a rest home in September 2006 aged 92. The man who in February 2007 began to tell us about his time in the second world war when he was on secret missions travelling into Southern France, going into hiding from the Germans until he could be rescued. Things he had never mentioned before, because he had signed the Official Secrets Act. But now he wanted his family to know about it and he felt that it wouldn’t be a security breach now.
I shall be sorry when he is not here any more, but I feel it would be so much better for him if he was just left in peace to fade away. At 94, unable to dress himself, feed himself or do anything other than watch the tv which he can’t always hear, this lovely man who is still in possession of an active mind has nothing left to hang to for.
We left the hospital late afternoon, he was sleeping, he hasn’t tried to speak since I first arrived. Tonight they have moved him to a room on his own. Mum and I talked on the way home and over a cup of tea at her place. We are both feeling a little sad although not upset. We both feel that this time he may not make it. We are glad that we were there for him this afternoon. If my mum gets a call in the night to say that he is going I shall of course rush to get her back to the hospital. I don’t feel that I must be there when he dies, if I am needed by either of them I shall be there but I feel like I said my goodbyes to him today. If he pulls through I shall be happy, but this time I think he will give up. But having said that, I have been surprised how firm his grip was and his determination to rid himself of all gas and air masks. So there is still fight in him even if that is just instinct.
As things stand at present, I shall go to work as normal tomorrow. Life goes on it has to, but I shall be paying closer attention to my mum and how she is.
I mentioned earlier the last time I was in the A & E department. It was September 2005, SF had during the night threatened me with a carving knife in front of JA (9yrs) then when JA became distressed, he took an overdose of his anti depressants, I called an ambulance, took JA to my mum’s the older boys wanted to stay at home so they could get themselves off to school etc in the morning. When I arrived at the hospital SF was being assessed. Hours later it was evident that he had only pretended to over dose. SF was then seen by the mental health team before he was discharged.
This was one of the lowest points for me, I had already begun divorce proceedings. Today brought back the vivid recollection of sitting on the ward being told by these people that I had to give him another chance, he needed my help, I have to make allowances for him in his poor mental state. I just sat there and sobbed and sobbed, they had no idea what they were asking of me. When I said to my mum today that walking around that corner had brought back memories of the last time I was here, she knew exactly what I was thinking about. It is one of the things I had shut out, very rarely talked about, best forgotten. But today I was back there, back in that place 3 years ago. But it also made me think about how far I have come in the last 3 years. There is no going back ever!!
Earlier I read Miss Understood’s purse meme which included a post she had written several years ago Russian Doll. I am linking to it here as reading it seems to apt considering this last part of my post. Do read it, Miss Understood makes a lot of sense.

1.45am just been called to go to hospital now

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Raining idiots

It was raining hard this morning. This worried me, no not that I don't like rain, it can be depressing when it doesn't let up, but mostly I am ok with rain.

But rain tends to bring out the idiots which meant that I was doubly afraid of the new road layout as mentioned in passing in my post yesterday. I listened carefully to each travel bulletin, just waiting for the news that would surely come. Sure enough there were problems on the motorway, but further west, yeah yeah I know one junction down the road can hardly be classed as far away, but the main thing was that it wasn't going to interrupt my journey to work.

So I drove to work in heavy rain, there were still idiots without lights or only side lights. On the whole my drive was uneventful.

But it was when I reached work that it started. I am convinced that the rain was heavily laced with some kind of idiot serum. Virtually everyone I spoke to seemed to be missing a few marbles. Now the fact that the carrier firm which was delivering 2 parcels to the same place for us, managed to seperate them and send one to London and one to Manchester, nolonger surprises me.

The fact that when asking the acting warehouse manager when a local delivery was made by our own delivery van, he could find no record of the order (which was being delivered at just that moment) didn't surprise me either. This is the man who will phone me up to ask a question about an order that is in his hand , expecting me to know what the customer requires. which then means that I have to go down to the warehouse to look at it or ask him to bring it to the office. Excuse me you have the paperwork in your hand!!!!!!!!!

But the customer who rang up to ask why we had sent him some products that he had asked for the previous day as they had been missing from his original order that was a surprise. Not only that but it took me a good hour of phone calls going back and forth, paperwork checked and colleagues who had spoken to him yesterday questioned, to get to the bottom of his problem and convince him that the products were his and he has already paid for them so no we didn't want to collect them again.

My day just kept getting better and better, not.

There was also a long conversation with Garfield which culminated in him saying

If I said meet me in a hotel would you?

I think it was a shock to him that any woman would dare to turn him down. I don't know if he thinks he is a sex god or if it's his money that talks for him. He tried to persude me that it would be ok for me to meet him because Romeo is not around. He just doesn't get the idea that I have decided to be faithful to Romeo and he cannot bribe me into being unfaithful. Besides I could never get involved with someone so closely connected with my work.

But the sun did come out this afternoon and for a while the feel of warm sun on my arm was lovely and soothing. I almost forgot that I have been feeling quite down since early yesterday evening.

Monday, 1 September 2008

They must be joking!!


Since January there have been road works on the motorway between the small market town where I live and The City.

When I returned to work after my week off I was surprised to discover that the speed restrictions had been lifted. It has taken a while to get back to driving at normal speed along this stretch of the motorway. I guess us drivers have become conditioned to drive at 50mph for that stretch of road. But now I am finding that the rushour traffic is moving along better. Not long after I had passed the main junction for my town the one where the road works had begun, I noticed that the fourth lane is now open and we are merrily speeding towards the city.

But someone must be having a joke at our expense. No sooner have we begun to enjoy the freedom of not only having 4 lanes to spread across but no speed restrictions when bam!!!

Brake lights flash on and stay on as car after car, van and lorry after van and lorry skids almost to a stop. The new found freedom of 4 lanes has been taken away from us already. Four lanes are condensing to 3 lanes again, with traffic trying to shift from one lane to another.

To my horror this is not occurring on my left but on my right. It is the fast lane that comes to an end. So there we are the two 'fast' lanes crawling along to acommodate two files of vehicles in one lane, whilst the two 'slower' lanes are speeding past us.

Whose lunatic idea was that!!!

Who wants to cause accidents on top of a hill midway between two very busy junctions. Is this some mad man's idea of traffic calming?

I don't know how long it will be before there is an horrific accident................. Not long I shouldn't think.

My bet is that the person who dreampt up this scheme received a pat on the back and a big payout as a reward. What he should have got was a straight jacket and a padded cell.

How many deaths will there be on that stretch of road. Ok so we have done the drive once now and tomorrow we will be better prepared, but that is only those of us who travel that road regularly, what happens when a speed freak from out of the area goes bombing along and has to brake suddenly because they run out of road.

Going back home I had another surprise. For months there has been one sign before the start of the westward roadworks announcing that a climbing lane will open in Autumn 2008. Now I may not be the brightest button in the tin but to me climbing lane means a lane for the really slow vehicles going up the hill. The slow lane, am I right or am I right. Ok so I am driving along at between 70 and 80mph uphill, still only three lanes all the way until near the top a fourth lane opens out .................on my right!!! the fast lane just became the fasr lane and the extra fast lane. But what is this ?

Oh yes they have brought us back down to 3 lanes again after just a couple of hundred yards, what was the point?

We have endured months of disruption while they widen the road to four lanes for a couple of hundred yards and not even as you go up the hill, where a slow lane is needed but when you are near the top and starting to level out again.

I think I am going to be sticking to the middle lane from now on, no more using the fast lane for over taking , I shall be too worried about running out of road before I manage to get back across.

Does anyone know of similar road schemes and if so how have they worked out?

I don't predict my journey to and from work will improve. If anything I feel it will get worse.

Oh and why do they need a climbing lane for the traffic going down hill, not only that but the extra lane is on the flatter part of the hill???
Rant over