Wednesday, 8 August 2007

I am just a jealous girl

I was going to comment on Curvaceous Dee’s post Green eyes. I even began to write a comment but it was getting too long so figured that to give proper attention to the subject I should write my own post.

During the past year I have had a number of married lovers. At no time have I felt any jealousy towards their wives. Yet when I joined forces with SL to be a couple swinging together I did feel pangs of jealousy when he was interacting with another woman. I wanted him to be touching me not her. Yet I never asked him if he felt the same way when he saw me being touched by another man. But it didn’t bother me that he went home to his wife. I had no other problems with jealousy as far as swinging with SL went. We were close but not emotionally involved and when he told me about his bisexual experiences the only pangs of jealousy I felt were that he was getting more cock than I was. He was going off and enjoying himself on his own when we were meant to be a partnership. But I understood that many of the men he was meeting were gay as opposed to heterosexual or even bi. I knew that he saw other women but as I didn’t know who or when that didn’t bother me although I suspect it might have done if I had known the who, when and where side of it.

We began talking to a woman (Andie) who lives near me and is slightly younger, he wanted her to join us on some of our encounters with others. This didn’t happen, but after we had not spoken for a while we chatted one day and he told me he had gone off the whole scene it was getting too samey. I later learnt that he had teamed up with Andie but not told me. I was not and am still not jealous of her. (she and I were chatting for ages last night and plan to meet up for a drink.). I was not happy that he had replaced me with a younger model without telling me. I have now learnt he has moved onto a younger woman but Andie doesn’t seem to know. I don’t feel any jealousy, more annoyance but also relief as I realise that he was not good for me. He is a far greater player than I had realised.

I did feel jealous of the other women that Mr Passionate was seeing when I first met him. Chatting with another woman one day we were comparing the men on our profiles and those we both knew. When we got to Mr Passionate I told her hands off he’s mine, I was only joking but a part of me did feel that way. I told him what I had said to her he wasn’t pleased as he can see who he likes. I did make light of it saying I had been joking. He had already had one woman get in a strop with him when I had left a testimonial on his profile, she threw a fit and wouldn’t speak to him. Not long after that he decided that he just doesn’t have time to see other women. I was devastated that I was losing him but he said he will always have time for me ;-).
So now he only has two women in his life, his wife and me. Although I had felt jealous of his other women I don’t feel jealous of his wife. There have been times when she has rung or text him while he has been in my bed, but he waits until he has left before he replies. We talk about the other men in my life but he never shows any sign of jealousy, his only worry was that he thought I was going all moral on him and he wouldn’t see me anymore after I made my decision to give up married men.

Now I am seeing Forest but not often enough so I sometimes see Oxo both of them are single. Oxo knows that I have someone I really like but he’s happy being my fuck buddy. Before we met Forest knew that I was seeing other men and expects me to continue doing so. He was seeing another woman from time to time. I have no idea if he has seen her since we met. I don’t want to know as I know I would feel jealous. Not so much that he has seen her but that he has spent time with someone else when he could have been with me. When I told Forest that I had been dropped by SL he wondered if we could swing together as a couple. That was after all how we began chatting in the first place. Some days I feel I would love to swing with him as the idea excites me but other days I recoil from the idea. How could I even contemplate sharing this man I crave so much with anyone else? I just know that if the two of us swing together then the green eyed monster will surely rear its ugly head. I get confused when I think of him and jealousy. I see Oxo and rub it in his face because he is not with me himself, I don’t care if that makes him jealous, I hope it does as he has driven me into the arms of Oxo by his infuriating attitude. He actively encourages me to see other men yet I don’t want to see others, only him.

This is part of a comment by Temptress which Curvaceous Dee was answering.

How is it that you're ok with sharing? Try as I may, even though the thought of it turns me on, I can't really say I would be ok with it. And it makes me feel dreadfully selfish.

Now this I can fully relate to as it is how I feel about swinging with Forest. The thought of swinging with him does turn me on, it is incredibly tempting but then I battle with the jealousy I know I would feel at sharing him, but why should I feel jealous, what right do I have to feel jealous when since before I even began talking to him I was seeing multiple men.

Curvaceous Dee was also addressing a question posed by Z part of which was this

I still can't stop the pangs at times. And then it's worse, because I hate myself for my mean-spiritedness.

Again this is a feeling that I can identify with. I try to rationalise my feelings of jealousy. I tell myself that we don’t own each other we are free to see whom ever we wish. If I can have sex with others I can’t complain about him having sex with others.

Finally I must finish by quoting Curvaceous Dee.

For me, a lot of my jealous feelings boil down to my sense of self-worth. As my self-worth increases, my fears of abandonment recede (that, and I have the knowledge that even were I to be abandoned by everyone I love, I would still cope, for I have that strength)

I think this is a lesson I have been learning over the past year.