Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Here we go again ........or perhaps not

For a few months I had a fair few dates, mostly with Plumber (hes currently out of the country for the second time in less than a month). But although I was having these dates most of the time I was behaving myself. I know I have at least one reader who keeps trying to read between the lines, thinking there has been more going on than I was telling. But the truth is that although I had some fun with Plumber and even spent a few nights with him, I have had relatively little sex in the last six months. To be honest there has been very little action for the last two years since I had my bust up with Forest. In fact since then I could count my sexual encounters on one hand. Until six months ago that is, but even in the last six months I have only made love 4 times (once with Thomas who will always hold a special place in my heart) and 3 times with Forest.

Forest is the reason that this blog has the address it does, I originally dedicated this blog to him. I adored him, I gave him my heart. But he didn't want it, I was very hurt, but I dusted myself off and got on with life. I vowed that I would never see him again, we did manage to pick up the pieces of our friendship. The subject of sex was avoided for a long time. Even when it did become a topic of discussion, it was only general, never sex between us. Then came the day when that changed, it was just talk, nothing more.

That was until about six months ago when we began discussing the possibilities of being friends with benefits. Sufficient time had elapsed for my broken heart to be mended, I was able to be dispassionate about it. We tried it once and it was good, very good. We both know how to give each other pleasure and this time I was able to stop my heart from being involved. I think that knowing there is no emotional involvement helped. I am a great believer that sex is better when love is involved, but in this case we like and care about each other and that seems to be enough to enable us to have great sex.

But he has gone and spoilt that. I have been getting random kisses from him by text. Over the weekend we chatted online (twice........very rare to hear from him at all at weekends). I told him about meeting Spark who reminded me how it feels to have butterflies. He told me about his date with a lady who gave him butterflies. Which is why I am suprised that he has been thinking about me. Why, if I had met someone new who gave me butterflies I would be thinking about them not my friend. When I said that I doubt he thinks about me very much he replied 'probably more than you realise'.

I really wish he hadn't said that, because now I keep thinking about him. I don't want to be thinking about him too often. I know that if this continues then the feelings I had for him 2 years ago will start to come back. It was humiliating enough before, it would be doubly humiliating to go there again. I do like him, we have some long conversations about all sorts of things including family things. I know he likes me as a friend (as a friend he sometimes has great sex with). But he doesn't want a relationship so I have to guard my heart from falling for him again. He knows that I won't stop being friends with him for any man but if I become involved with someone then I shall be faithful to him. Our friendship will go back to being non sexual. But at the moment he is filling my thoughts and I wish he wouldn't.


Fire Byrd said...

Uuumm! Ok you know you can't afford to go there, so quick write him a letter that you will not send him pouring out what's in your heart to him. Then give yourself a stiff talking to about what he's actually doing to your state of mind and rip the paper up and say he can't have that part of you he doesn't deserve it. Failing that sacrifice a chicken or goat and do a demented dance round the kitchen whilst screaming like a banshee. Which won't of course do anything but you'll feel great when you stop!!!

Lady in red said...

Fire your comment had me laughing like a banshee.

I am pleased to say that I have been fine today, it was probably more of a problem yesterday because I was at home with too much time on my hands.

Today I have been back at work which has kept my mind busy, I have also been checking train times and texting ET all day as he has been preparing to return home early from his course.

Joanna Cake said...

I think Id find it very difficult to have casual sex with a man I once adored without becoming emotionally attached again. If you want to continue for the sake of getting laid, you have to be prepared to be hurt again... although there's nothing to say that someone who can play fast and loose with your heart wont do the same with someone else's and try to be physically involved with both women. Did he say those things in order to confuse you and keep his place over the new guy? Difficult times x

nitebyrd said...

Hello, LIR! You're lookin' good over there! I could have sworn I left a comment here. :/

You've got more thinking to do. I'm not sure what Forest is wanting. Proceed with extreme caution, though.

You've got an award over on my blog!

CheekyDani said...

Been meaning to comment for over a week, just haven't had a moment to myself.

Typical confusing male!! Personally I'd find it very difficult to go from sex partner to friend - even a few years on. At the very least it's a very warped sort of friendship as you cannot cover many personal subjects.

Cross fingers things become clearer soon x

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