Finding family

Growing up I always felt that I was missing out. There were 5 of us...... mum, dad, me and my 2 brothers DA and TJ. Both sets of grandparents lived an hour away, before both sets moved further away from us down in Kent. My paternal grandparents moved first to Cotswolds then my maternal grandparents moved to deepest Dorset. My dad had a much younger sister but she was at boarding school then moved to Germany to follow her chosen career, she later met and married out there before years later having two children (now in their early 20's). My mum had one brother R who didn't want children, he met and married an American. He had only ever returned to UK a few times in the years since. So our life was not like that of all our friends who had extended families around them. There were no aunts and uncles or cousins in our lives.

My maternal grandfather was an only child but my granny was one of six although I only ever met great uncle John who lived with his wife and only daughter (mum's only cousin) on the south coast near Bournemouth. My paternal grandparents families were a bit of a mystery to us but I had always known that Grandmother M and her sister B had 'so many stepmothers they could make a ladder'. Great aunt B had four children (my dad had 10 cousins but I have no idea who the others are/were). I have always known the names of aunt B's children the youngest J is just 2 years older than me. I have heard tales of his antics when visiting us when I was a baby/toddler but have no recollection myself. Aunt B and her family moved to Glasgow when I was still very young so even these 'cousins' were out of my reach.

I did get to meet J and his sister S back in 1977 when we were on holiday in Scotland, we spent an afternoon visiting aunt B and Uncle D, both J & S were out but popped in for a short time. I was an inpressionable and shy 15 yr old and was instantly smitten with the good looking sporty 17 yr old cousin. The older siblings (sister G & brother D) had left home by then.

Some years later I met G and D (and his wife and baby daughter F) at a suprise family lunch for my grandparents golden anniversary. I was very poorly and spent much of the day sleeping in aunt B's hotel room. Everyone wrongly thought I was pregnant. Although I missed the meal I did manage to be in the family photograph taken in the hotel garden.

I saw my dad's sister BD and her two children a couple of times in the next few years (her son R is just weeks older than my #1 son DC and her daughter A just 2 yrs older). The last time I saw A & R was about 12 years ago. The last time I saw my aunt BD and cousin G was at my dad's funeral 15 yrs ago.

So it has been a long time since I saw most of my family. Great aunt B died a couple of years ago. My Uncle R was run over in Texas about 8 yrs ago.

My only two real cousins A & R who are nearer to the age of my children have grown up in Germany although I now gather that A lives in Ealing.

My only family I see regularly are my mum and my grandmother.

Until yesterday............I have found my family and there are so many ore connections going on that we didn't realise...........but that is another post

some of you will be interested to see who my 2nd cousins are and what we discovered on our day out..........Dani I will email you.

Still alive

Ok so I have not blogged for a while.

There have been a few times when I have thought...............I could blog about that. But by the time I get a chance the inspiration has gone.

There hasn't been much to blog about really. My work has been busy, Since March I have been attempting to keep up with as much work as I can which has seen me working through my lunch break a few times just to keep the pressure down a bit. The reason is that where a year ago there were three of us working together (in theory). Then since september it was reduced to two of us, since March my colleague has been covering another important post within the company (one which is vital to the running of the company). So for the last few months I have been trying to cope mostly on my own. (Business has also picked up a bit too). This has meant that I have been coming home exhausted. However things should be getting back to normal in the next few months with two new staff joining the office very soon.

I suppose I should update you on what happened after my last post.

SF arrived at my home with his friend and colleague from before he lost his licence 4 years ago. I chatted to GG for a few minutes as I hadn't seen him for a few years. SF is very lucky to have such a good friend who will turn out for him in times of need. (hmmm idea just sprung to mind GG now on his own since both kids have left home.........hmm perhaps should suggest this).

I offered SF a cuppa but he was ok he had his beer (a case of it) during the evening I chatted to him with our boys. He has been smoking since I filed for divorce, but agreed to smoke outside as this has always been a smoke free zone. It was fine while I was sat downstairs with SF and ET. I reiterated that it would only be one night.

It was after I went to bed that it got worse for me. ET had also gone to bed shortly after me, I heard the stairs and landing creaking, I heard SF's voice outside my door, he was speaking to JA & ET. I lay awake until gone 2am listening to every noise worrying that my door would open. The memories of those 7 months of hell while he still lived in the house during our divorce came flooding back. The fears and feelings I had during that time had returned. There is no way in this world I could have another night like that. In the morning I got ready for work as I was leaving I woke JA telling him to ake his father a cuppa and get him to leave when he went to school. I was not impressed that the whole house stank of cigarette smoke and he had used one of my candle dishes as an ashtray. At work I worried that he wouldn't go. I phoned OJ (he had been out the previous night) repeatedly until he assured me at 9am that his dad had gone. Two days later he phoned me to ask if he could sleep on my sofa again. I said NO and he accepted that and to my relief hasn't bothered me since.

That same night I had also told Plumber online that it was time he started being honest with me. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about. But because SF arrived while we were talking we couldn't have a proper conversation that night. A couple of nights later we had a heated conversation about his lies. He has now admitted that he does live at home some of the time but they have seperate rooms. Hes still not being totally honest but its a start and he now knows that I will not stand for bare faced lies. Our relationship if you can call it that has become stronger. Over recent weeks he has said that he thinks I deserve a better life and if he could he would give it to me but current circumstances mean he can't at present. He says that he won't stop me seeing others and hopes I wont stop him but he won't go out of his way to see other women .......I satisfy all his needs. (whatever he means by that).

Plumber knows I have been seeing Sailor (who also knows about Plumber). They are both happy to share me but don't want me to be hurt or damaged. A few times there have been half arrangements for the three of us to go sailing together. But on the day things didn't work out. I have now been out in the harbour with Sailor on his boat a couple of times, once just using the engine then on Monday after work we spent a couple of hours sailing while the weather was good. I really enjoyed that and hope to go again this weekend. Plumber is very jealous (of us sailing).

Tuesday evening I had a posh frock evening (thank heavens for ebay) I wore a purple dress
with silver heels ..........my mum calls them y 'Dorothy slippers'. It was the Rotary club President's night. Very different to previous ones I had been to. This was at a pub on the A32 that I have passed many times but not taken much notice of because it does not look inviting from outside. It turns out to be a restaurant that has tribute acts performing a caberate on a small stage. The room we were in had a very strange mix of traditional countryside prints including a Roebuck, and theatrical ornamentation. There was a chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The place is run by a couple of men who had been in the theatre in their past. One of them apparently was one of the countries leading pantomime Dames.

So now you know what has been going on in my life in the last 5 or 6 weeks.

I'm not doing it for his sake

Today I invited SF (my ex husband) to sleep on my sofa ............for one night and one night only.

PB thinks I have lost all sense and gone completely mad.

I didn't make the suggestion for his sake although I do feel sorry for him (for today).

He rang me at work...........yet again!!

As soon as he began talking I knew he was distressed but it could have been that he was very drunk.

He said he had phoned OJ and asked him to stay with him tonight at his place..........he didn't say whether OJ had agreed or not.

He then told me that this morning when he got home from his early morning work he found his g/f dead on the sofa.............massive heart attack he said.

That was why he wanted OJ to stay with him to keep him company tonight.

I was not about to make my son spend the night in a room where someone had died just hours earlier.

That is why I said that SF could stay on my sofa for one night and one night only.............so that he could have the company of his sons without them having to stay at his place.

I am doing this for their sake not his.

But I am not such a cold hearted bitch that I would make him stay on his own

But it is for one night only..............he will not be moving in as PB thinks he will............. there is no way in this world I am letting him back.

And while I am feeling strong and imovable I have told Plumber to start being honest...........it will make life easier for him.

mixed basket

A lot of things have been going through my head

Firstly as I drive around at the moment it has been lovely to see all the daffodils waving their yellow and cream heads at us as we pass. I know they are very late this year, I'm not sure exactly but it has to be at least a month if not more. I got to thinking about all the roadsides that are wearing their coat of yellow, we become so accustomed to seeing them year in and year out. But it has never occurred to me before to wonder. Is this a British thing or do other countries have battalions of daffodils on their roadsides and roundabouts like we do.


Secondly I have been thinking about all the people stranded abroad and of course those wanting to go but I think it is worse for those waiting to come home. I know of 3 people who have been abroad and should have come home but are still stuck, one in Spain, one in Holland (I would have thought he could have got a ferry home) and another in Cairo. Every day the airspace shut down is extended by another 7 hours, we are told that this could go on for days maybe even weeks. Not only will this cause chaos for passengers who either can't get back from or get to where ever they need to be. There will be chaos for the air freight business too. I know that the Company I work for has to have good flown in from varios places and that is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. The bosses of the airlines must be pulling their hair out to have this happen (especially now). They did not have a good start to the year with the snow closing airports across the country. Then earlier this month there were the strikes. One has to wonder if some of the smaller airlines will survive.

I have been poorly again but you don't want to know that. I just figure I must have put my foot in my mouth big style when towards the end of march I told someone that I was very lucky that with all the colds and other bugs going around I had not caught anything for at least a year. Well I have made up for it big time in the last few weeks. I think I have paid my penance now for being so arrogant...............I've had enough now and think illness should leave me alone now and let me get on with life without disruption.

I met an old friend today while I was doing my shopping, she told me that she is going for tests tomorrow to find out if she as breast cancer. She is not coping well at the moment, it didn't help that a so called friend phoned her this morning to tell her that another friend died in the night with breast cancer. At least I was able to balance that out by telling her that on Friday I was told that someone who had been waiting for the results of the same tests had been told hers was non cancerous. I have promised to remind her every day that no matter what the results are she will get through it and to keep laughing.

I know a lot of women including the wonderful firebyrd and my son's g/f's mother who have had breast cancer and survived to tell the tale.

Its my birthday and I'll do what I want to

It's my birthday .....another year closer to 50 eeekk

I woke up late to a quiet house. On my laptop there were some birthday wishes waiting for me on facebook including one from Vi who said my ears should have been burning in my dreas becasue she has been lucky enough to meet nitebyrd and Mulder on her holiday in USA. Now if I had been keeping up with my blog reading I would have known this as both Vi and Nitebyrd had blogged that they would meet. I am so jealous Vi is such a lovely lovely woman who I have had the pleasure of meeting 3 or 4 times. Nitebyrd I would love to meet and Mulder of course during his brief spell of blogging I teased relentlessly and would do now if he was still blogging. Anyway I am glad that they all got to meet and I shall look forward to hearing all about it ...........you guys have got my email address if you don't want to tell me in public.

I was just thinking about running a bath to get ready for meeting my mum for lunch. My phone alert went off it was a birthday greting from Karma.......wow I didn't expect that. We exchanged text a few weeks ago when we had almost bumped into each other at the Dr's carpark. But other wise we had not had contact for months. I didn't even think he knew when my birthday is. I can only assume that he had seen it on facebook (we are friends but I don't think he ever goes on there.......even less than firebyrd). So I text him back thanks and this is a nice suprise.......cheeky man replied didn't I know it was my birthday.

Yesterday when I was chatting online to Golf I had asked him for suggestions about where mum & I could for lunch today.......He suggested a waterside pub that he knows. If I was then free at a reasonable time we could meet up after lunch. It has been a long time since I last saw him and don't now have his phone number. He said he will text me.
Before I set off for lunch with mum I asked Marmie if she would recomend the pub Golf had suggested, but she mentioned another pub within yards of the first one. We followed Marmie's advice but parking was a problem. I had to drop mum off and go off to find somewhere to park (like looking for a needle in the proverbial haystack). I'm sure she was beginning to think she had been abandoned. It was at the pub that mum gave me my birthday card, I did have to laugh, not only is it so right for me but also identical to the one I got from my colleagues at work on Friday.

I have only received 2 cards at the moment and they are the same .........obviously I am predictable.

I was sitting chatting to mum at her dinning table back at her house when I got a text ..........happy birthday.........there was no name just an unknown number. I wasn't sure but I guessed it could be Golf. The next text asked if I had had a good lunch .........now I knew it was Golf. He was in his office in the city but about to go home to pack for a business trip to Egypt, we could meet on his way home. I told him I would be admiring the view of the city from a car park. I didn't say which one.

I drove up onto the hill glancing at the first couple of car parks for his car. He had sent me a further two text by then but my phone was playing up so I couldn't read them. I was just thinking about one of the car parks that had a slightly higher view point than others but decided to go to the car park where we last met last summer. I had just passed the turning when I saw his car coming towards me and turn into the car park I had rejected. I carried on until I could turn. Parking up next to his car I checked my phone again ....still not able to read my messages. He was quite bemused that I had found him as we hadn't agreed a place to meet. We chatted for a while and agreed to meet for a drink once he is back from his trip.

When I got home the boys were all awake (so they should be at 5pm on a sunday) and had cleared the kitchen and the livingroom.....not great but a big improvement. This evening I am going out for a drink with Sailor.

Day time tv

The last week has meant a lot of sleeping. I don't think I have slept this much for years. The last time I felt this ill was whan I had a virus and my Dr thought my cancer had returned.

There has been a lot of tv watching. I have watched a lot of house programs either finding or doing up. I have wat
ched a few CSI programs. There have been old episodes of Top Gear. I have even stooped to watching Jeremy Kyle. There have been panel games and quiz shows.

There have been a fair few chats with a few men I have begun chatting to recently but being ill I have not really been that bothered about chatting a lot. My attention has been limited and have often just trialed off either forgetting they were still there or telling them I need to sleep.

But there has been one man I have chatted to most days on and off. He is having problems with his internet at the moment but BT have promised to have him back online by Tues. Feeling a touch of cabin fever after a week in my sick bed I agreed to go out for a drink with him. He really is a lovely man and fairly local too. I will definately be seeing more of him. (Actually this was not our first date as I met him before I became ill).
For much of the week food has been a big issue. I knew I had to eat to get stronger but eating anything was such a struggle. Hot food was out of the question as it made me gag, even the smell of food being cooked by/for my boys made me feel queasy. Eating anything was a chore, it was taking 5 minutes to eat a biscuit. But little by little I have got there, against his instincts Plumber brought me ice cream, cartons of custard and packets of instant dessert. I needed food that I could swallow without having to chew it. Apart from my boys Plumber was the only person I saw all week. He came round twice in one day although most days he said he would call in. He is an has been very goo for me but I still can't rely on him.

On Friday DC came home for a while and between us we made up a shopping list which he and OJ went off and bought returning 2 hours later......they seem to have bought everything I asked for. There have now been 3 occasions when all 4 of my boys have been in the house at the same time which has been nice. DC has even got himself a part time job (not before time) starting next weekend. OJ has been tutoring a friend's brother in A level maths every day this week for £10 hr. ET has got himself an interview to go back to college in Sept.

Things are beginning to look up.

Energy

I have not been on here for a while not for any sinister reason but because I have been very stupid and given myself food poisoning. Thinking I had got over it I returned to work last friday where I had a diabetic episode and was sent home. By the time I reached home I knew I was very ill (felt like flu). But I was convinced that after a good nights sleep I would be better again. It is now Tuesday and although I am considerably better than over the weekend I am still very uncomfortable. I still have a severe lack of energy. But to slow down my recovery I am struggling to eat even the simplest of things. Although I was very pleased with myself yesterday for managing a whole slice of toast.

My Dr has signed me off work for the entire week with the threat of longer if I am not suitably recovered after the Easter bank holiday.

I am afraid this is all the energy I have to write ..............time to go back to sleep again

Couple

It began with an afternoon shopping trip. This was going to be no ordinary shopping trip. Plumber was taking me to a sex shop, my first ever, to buy me whatever toys I wanted. As it turned out the shop was a bit of an anti climax. I chose one toy but overall we were not impressed with the shop. I think from now on I shall purchase any future toys and other accessories online.

Following this we investigated a new store that had only been open a few months. Starting off checking out the printed canvases and soft furnishings we then moved outside to the garden centre checking out bulbs, pots and possible paving designs. Next we took the escalator to the upper floor where we checked out the variety of sofas and armchairs. That was fun although I did bring attention to myself when I was about to stand up from one of the reclining archairs that Plumber couldn't make work. As I moved to stand it shot out suprising me so much that I shrieked, Plumber thought I had been hurt.

By the time we had been to Tesco for a bottle of my favourite rum and some diet coke we were both hungry. We decided against going anywhere for dinner instead we bought fish and chips to take back to his house. A glass or two each of red wine to go with our supper we had a relaxing evening watching tv and taking it in turns to have a bath. Of course that night we had to experiment with my new toy together with the other new ones I had got from an Ann Summers party a week earlier.

Sunday we had a lazy morning sleeping in, having a light breakfast and watching tv before he dropped me home. It being Mother's day we both had mothers to see. The rest of the week saw us spending each night either together or talking online. There was much tv watching, films included 'Troy' and 'The goood, The bad and The Ugly'. Documentaries included 'the Coast' among many others. Meals were cooked and eaten. Most of the time we were at his place but we also drank tea and watched tv at my place. He has forged a bond with our family cat.

Mid week he was poorly, he wanted me to spend the evening keeping him company. Just being there with him helped, he says I kept him calm where he would normally be irritable. That night I didn't stay over but drove home in the midnight fog.

This last week has been good, it has been companionable. It could have been a very sexual week but it wasn't it was nice just to have each other's company. It reminded me what I miss not being in a relationship. It was good behaving like a proper couple. But we are not a proper couple. I doubt we ever will be. He doesn't want a commitent and I have various reason why he would not be my chosen partner in life. But for now having him in my life is good and I am glad to bring some sunshine into his life too.

its a bet

What is my son turning into?
This afternoon he posted the following on facebook

now has 32 bets on today's football. Potential winnings £500 Total spent £4.96. Oh the wonders of being a Mathemagician.

it's 32 separate bets on the same 5 matches.
The beauty of binomial expansion.
Basically £500 if all 5 are wins in my favour.
then i win less money if there is 1 draw
some money if there is 2 draws... See More
a bit more money if there is 3 draws
quite a bit of money if there is 4 draws
£400 if there is 5 draws.

If Everton win however I will cry

1 (free £5 bet) on all 5 winning, then 31x16p bets. 5 on 1 draw, 10 on 2 draws, 10 on 3 draws, 5 on 4 draws, 1 on 5 draws.

At the end of the day it's a fiver so i'm willing to take the risk on Everton. As they don't allow me to bet on Everton winning aswell becuase then i break the bookmakers system lol

p.s. I'd pay £5 to make football this much more interesting anyway. Even if i lose

Hmm he has been away from home less than 6 months and hes turning into ..........

more than a friend

I thought that after my last post I should write a new one about Plumber.

We seem to have fallen into a comfortable friendship. Which is what he wants, a good friendship without commitment. He tells me that I am his lover and his friend. At the moment it is more friend than lover as there has been no intimacy between us since last summer. He visits me at home often, whether it is to help me with any jobs like my garden clearance or for a cuppa and a natter. But whilst he is here there is no intimacy at all. I would be quite happy to have a cuddle and kiss but while my sons are home he will behave like the perfect gentleman.

He says he is my fairy godfather, he likes to help me out. He tells me that he is always here for me. He tells me that if my landlords don't get my fence fixed soon he will do it and send them the bill. (I am still waiting for him to fix my shower since last June). I know he will do anything for me, I just can't rely on him.

Since he finally managed to switch to my main msn account we chat online more often. Last weekend we chatted in the early evening but he soon went off to bed early as he was very tired after working all day. I was up late but was just about falling asleep in the middle of editing some photos. It was slow going and was almost 3am, when I noticed the little orange tab showing that Plumber was chatting. I was more asleep than awake but this unexpected turn of events meant that I was soon wide awake again. We had the silliest conversation (one of these word association type conversations). starting off with him saying he would call round next day if I was in.

I have a date with a hoover

Edgar?

Damn you guessed

This went on for ages skipping from one subject to another until we ran out of steam when we got to cheddar gorge being cheesy. By this time it was 5.30am. This was a really silly conversation but it was one of the best even if it was at a stupid hour.

Earlier this week we were chatting early in the evening when I mentioned that it would be nice to have a cuddle. His immediate reaction was to ask what was the matter. I told him there was nothing wrong, I didn't need a cuddle just thought it would be nice. He came round for a cuppa and a natter on Thursday eve. We had been sat together on my sofa for a couple of hours when to my suprise he put his arm around me. I was even more suprised that he kept his arm around me when ET came through to make himself a drink. Plumber and ET had a conversation about job hunting. Still he kept his arm around me. Later he said something about me having the cuddle I had wanted. (there were a few kisses involved too).

Next evening ET asked me

Is Plumber now your boyfriend?

He is my friend

You don't cuddle friends

I left it at that, I don't feel inclined to explain to my 18 yr old son that Plumber is my friend with benefits (more friend less benefits ~ although I benefit from being his friend).