Being pro active

I wouldn't want to go through the last week again in a hurry.

Nearly everyday I received at least one new statement from the TCO (tax credit office). Each day the amount of my alleged over payment was mounting. There is absolutely no way that I could both pay my rent and feed my family on the money I was left with. By wednesday I had no cereal, bread or milk left in the house, under £1 in my purse and not enough fuel to get to work and back. I managed to concoct some food for my evening meal but didn't manage to keep it down. I had earlier been thinking about taking a day off on Thursday because I needed a break. But I had decided to have the day off on Friday instead and make it a long weekend. But now that I was poorly I was forced to stay at home on both Thursday and Friday.

I spent a lot of Thursday and Friday in tears. It has been a long time since I was so down. But even though I was feeling so very low, I was determined not to just accept the situation. Letters were written to TCO and my local MP with a further copy being emailed to Tessa Jowell in her role as HM Paymaster General. Time was spent scanning all the statements onto the computer. I applied for and was accepted for a top up on my personal loan (with my monthly repayments increasing by just £7). I felt so much better for being pro active. I don't know if I can over turn or perhaps reduce the alleged over payments but at least I have tried to do something about it.

During this time I have also had some long heart to heart emails with a guy I have been in contact with for a few weeks. The upshot of all this is that he disagrees with all the advice that women have about men. The main thing being that women should just be themselves and not give the impression of being too strong. Strong women scare men away, men like to feel protective. I know he is right, my friend PB and her husband of more than 20 years split for this very reason. He felt he wasn't needed by his strong independent wife.

Talking of men, there has been a very unexpected twist in the tale. Two years ago I was seeing Forest but so infrequently that I was also seeing Oxo. Not long after my bust up with Forest I alo stopped seeing Oxo. It did take some time before he accepted that I wasn't going to be persuaded to see him any more. I had decided by then that I was ready to have a proper relationship. Oxo told me that he would wait for me. I knew he liked me a lot, but he wasn't interested in having a relationship.

On Saturday night I had been reading a message on one of the dating sites when I saw a photo that I recognised. It was Oxo, I sent him a very brief message using the code word we had used . Although he didn't recognise the photo of me with my glasses he knew straight away that it was me. A couple of emails and phone calls later he was telling me that he had thought we had something special before I went off and found myself a romance. He wants me back but I told him that I am only looking for a relationship not just a casual fling. We have agreed to give it a try. I don't know how this will pan out but only time will tell.

Another year under my belt :-)

Today was my annual check up at the oncology clinic. In September it will be 8years since I was told my cancer had gone.



Today's appointment was a bit of an adventure compared to previous times. A month ago the clinic had moved from the old inner city hospital I was familiar with to the new impoved 'Super Hospital'. I have been to this hospital many times, but in the last few years it has under gone major changes. Many departments have transferred to the new hospital.



I gave myself plenty of extra time to get parked and find my way to the new clinic. The main entrance has moved, which although I was expecting it was still a suprise. Entering the building at the north west corner on level C I found a desk where there were maps and a nice lady giving directions. Along the corridor were people in pink t-shirts emblazoned with 'hospital guide'. I made my way to the far end of the corridor to the lifts going down to level B.



It seems like a strange decision that the oncology clinic shares the waiting room and reception desk with haematology clinic. I had only just opened my book when an older lady sat beside me. She was keen to chat, it seemed we both had the same appointment time with the same Dr. It wasn't long before the two of us and another lady were led away to a sub waiting area. we continued to chat, mostly about her daughter and son in law. They live in Essex not far from where I was born. We talked about places where my grandparents had lived, her daughter has lived in the same area for years. Then she told me about her son in law, he is very like my ex, she couldn't believe the similarities between them. We had quite a good chat before she was called away and I settled to reading my book. Eventually my turn came.



I had quite a good chat with the registrar, probably the most frank discussion I have had with a Dr. She then examined me assisted by the nurse. She agreed that my cervix has been greatly affected by my treatment leaving it both tight and short. Due to my concerns that my efforts to lose weight have not been successful and eating just the smallest amount leaves me feeling bloated I am being given a CT scan, mainly for my peace of mind but also because it hs been 8 years since my last scan. We both agreed that it is probably my body adjusting to my diabetes that is causing the bloated feeling.



I am also being referred back to my consultant (who DJ calls 'god') for a discussion about the possibilities of reconstruction surgery. Unfortunately it has been too long for my mechanical problems to be reversed easily by other methods. I am not sure if I would go as far as surgery for this but I feel I should investigate all avenues if I am to have a successful sexual future. One of the reasons I feel there is little future for me with Plumber.



Whilst the Registrar was completing the scan request form I found that for the first time I could see written in black and white (more than once) the dimensions of the tumour they found 8 1/2 years ago. At the time I was told only that it was the size of an orange (which didn't really tell me much). But now I know that it was 8cm x 7cm x 7cm and extended from my cervix into my womb. No wonder they were concerned that I might later develop cancer of the womb.

Although I go back in 3 months for the scan results today's appointment was good.

Going Pink again

On Thursday 9th July 2009 I said a sad farewell to my black Razr V3 after 19 months together. I had been having a text conversation with sexy Forest when the battery drained and died. I tried to revive it when I got home but it was having none of it. It had been playing up in recent days telling my that the battery was incompatible. I had been having to take the battery out for an hour or so before reinserting it nd plugging the charger back in.

But on this day nothing was going to bring any life back into it. So sadly I had to accept that it had served me well but was now having a well earned rest. I worked out that my 18 month contract with 02 was about up so I would see if I could get an upgrade. As it turned out my contract had expired so I was entitled to an upgrade. Either that or I could take out a new contract with a different network. I decided to stick with 02, looking at the various handsets on offer that were displayed along the walls I dismissed the Soney Ericcsons and concentrated on the samsungs. I also noticed few Blackberries, I decided that of the phones on display the blackberry pearl took my fancy the most.

The young lad who served me dismissed this idea out of hand saying that I probably wouldn't get on with a touch screen some people do but many don't. Cheeky git!! He suggested a Sony ericcson I told him I wasn't keen but he wanted to show me one that he thought would be jsut right for me as I want to be able to send and receive text, make and receive calls and take photos and listen to music. He brought me a pink C905 cybershot which he informs me is the best camera phone with 8.5megapixels. including smile detection and other wonderful photographic tricks. I put my sim card into the handset to try it out embarrsingly my messages began pouring in, he left me to read them while he sorted something else out. That was lucky as there was a very rude one from Paulo. Anyway to cut a long story short I am now the owner of pink Sony Ericcson. I am still working out how the various features work but I discovered that one of our security staff at work has the same phone so she will help me if I get stuck.

The first photo I took was of my air fresheners in my car, a combination of two of my loves. driving and high heeled shoes. I have two of these as you can see but can't remember where I got them from and never see them now. Does anyone know where I can get any more?

screwed yet again ............in the worst way

About 10 days or so ago I got a phone call from the Inland Revenue regarding my Tax Credits. They were reassessing my entitlement regarding a letter I had written to them stating exactly when each of my sons finished school started college finished college. The reason I wrote the letter was that there seemed to be some confusion about the dates DC finished college and also the dates OJ started and finished college. It seemed that they had been paying for DC to be at college until he turned 20. He finished college aged 18. But they had only paid for OJ to be at college for 4 months instead of 2 years.



Now that their reassesment has been completed it seems that they overpaid me by several thousands of pounds. (well I can assure everyone that it certainly didn't feel as though I was being over paid!!) I don't remember being flushed with extra money. So the over payments are being clawed back from me by vastly reducing the amount I would be entitled to now. I wrote some time ago that I was now £300+ a month down on what I had been receiving (even then it was a constant juggling act to make ends almost meet). Now they have reduced my money even more so that I am now nearer to £450 per month down. Excuse me but how long does it take to read a letter and get the figures right. I could perhaps understand if I had written the letter a few weeks ago, I might just be able to accept it if they had had my letter for a couple of months but 12 months !!!!! that is just rediculous. If they had acted on my letter 12 months ago then the amount over paid would have been less and they wouldn't have to now reduce the payments I am entitled to by so much.



I am going to write a complaint and perhaps write to my MP too.



On top of that I have 3 sons who are not in eduction 2 of them sat at home all day everyday doing nothing, not earning, eating every bit of food that comes into the house, plus a third who is earning but does nothing to contribute to the home in anyway either practical or money wise. I was discussing this with my mother today. She has concluded that although my sons know we have nothing they still don't realise how poor we really are. They think they are on a par with all their friends. Maybe it is because we don't live in a council house. I have just told ET that we won't be going swimming again unless he gets a job and can pay for it. My fear now is that in 6 weeks my money will be reduced even further because I will nolonger be entitled to any money for OJ, even though it will be October before he goes to University.



Finally this week ET and OJ have got off their backsides and done a few bits around the garden like cutting back the hedge. On Monday they are both heading for the Employment Office in the hope of either getting job or at least signing on for Job Seekers Allowance although I am convinced ET is too young to be entitled to anything

Taking back my love

Tonight as I began my drive home this track came on my radio. I have liked this song since the first time I heard it. But tonight I paid more attention to the words and made a decision I didn't think I would be able to make (or at least not for a long time).

The more I thought about it the more I knew it was something I had to do, it wouldn't be easy and I expect I shall cry before the night is out. To help me I have started on the bottle of smirnoff I had been saving for some unknown reason.

I have deleted Romeo's emails and his email address. I would have deleted the hundreds of text messages but last week my mobile phone died. I now have a brand new pink Sony Ericcson C905 but have lost most of the phone numbers and all my text messages and photos. Next I have to delete his photos from my computer, that will be the hardest part.

I am taking back my love. I gave him too much of myself and got so very little back. This doesn't mean that I have stopped loving him, it means I have made the decision to close the door. Even if he came back he doesn't deserve my love. I need to put him in the past stop hoping that one day the fairy tale would have a happy ending.

I know I will never be happy with anyone else all the time I was still wanting/loving/pining for him. I need to be able to open up my heart and let someone else in. I would have like to get some closure from him but it has now been 7 months since I last heard from him so that is never going to happen. Next week it would be a year since this happened.

I will never forget how that day felt, or how he made me feel, but it is time to put it behind me.

Sunday morning stroll

He was staying in the area on saturday night so we met up on sunday morning. He had only said that he would be in 'The Other City' but not where so I chose the woodland park where we would meet and sent him the post code and directions. He text me that he would be there in 10 minutes. That surprised me as it would take me nearer 15 to get there, I was even more surprised when he still hadn't arrived after 10 minutes of waiting. A quick phone call revealed that he was parked in the wrong place further down the road.

I walked to the car park entrance to meet him, I had only been stood there about a minute when I saw his car pull up. We walked hand in hand through the wrought iron, leaf shaped gate, I had not seen that before. There were numerous other walkers mostly with dogs on leads, soon to be released to run around investigating all the smells of various animals and birds that live here.

It turned out that the friend he had visited lived not far from where we were. It was very peaceful in the park this early in the morning. Families with children enjoying the freedom had not yet arrived. We avoided the paths that led down to the ornamental ponds with their fish and ducks all clamouring to be fed. Instead we took one of the paths that eventually wind around the wooded area to emerge with a view of the busy river estuary. It was very quiet, the only sounds other than our own chatter, the rustling of birds in the undergrowth, the occasional crashing of a dog through the bushes off the beaten path as the owner attempts to call them back to the path.

We found a quiet secluded corner where we stopped for a while to kiss, but I couldn't stand like this for too long, the ground beneath my sandals soft after the recent rain. The big difference in height didn't help either but leaning against his strong body did help to steady my balance. We made our way back to our cars where we said goodbye until another day. I drove off first but by the time I reached the junction with the main road he was behind me. We travelled in convoy until he turned off to join the motorway. When I got home only JA had emerged from his bed so the house was still quiet. None of them realised I had even been out.

I have no idea when or even if I will meet up with Wednesday again but we have continued texting. He has been a big support for me with my diabetes as he has had it for 8 years.

Wednesday Echo

I had a surprise text on Tuesday asking me to meet for a quick drink. Wednesday would be passing my town on his way home from a day working in Bournemouth. Just as I was parking outside the restaurant/bar I got a text asking what I wanted to drink. I walked into the bar whilst he was ordering my drink. Both of us being diabetic and driving we both had large glasses of diet pepsi. I had known even before I arrived that Wednesday wouldn't be able to stay long but we had formed a kind long distance bond over the weeks that we have been chatting. He looks exactly like his picture on MSN although I hadn't expected him to be so tall (almost 6'3"). I didn't notice his strong accent so much in person as I do on the phone. Talking with him was so easy (ok I admit it I just love talking). He told me that I am exactly how he had expected, very down to earth, (well lets face it, at 5'0" I am never very far from the earth.)



He had intended to only stay for half an hour but after an hour of chatting he really did have to leave. Walking out to the car park together we stood beside my car talking (there may have been some kissing too but I can't really remember). After a while I agreed to sit in his car which was in a more secluded part of the car park. There was definitley some kissing now. By the time I left him, insisting that he really should go now, it was an hour and a half after the time he should have left.



I was rather stupid on Thursday. Knowing that I had an exciting few hours ahead of me at the end of my working day I prepared myself by buying a wholemeal sandwich to keep me going until I had my evening meal. (very sensible as I now have to eat regularly). However I was so involved in my work that when I was rushing out of the door it occurred to me that I had actually forgotten to eat my lunch!! let alone my sandwich.



I should have left the office at 4.30 so that I could arrive as soon as possible after 4.45pm. I didn't leave until 4.40 so when I got stuck in traffic (some inconsiderate person had allowed a building at the end of a row of shops to catch fire). There were people milling around and police had blocked off the road outside the shop, I wasn't going that way but vehicles ahead of me had stopped to look!!!



By the time I reached the city I took first one then a second wrong turn in what was now becoming heavy rush hour traffic, with traffic lights on each turning of the busy main road. Finally I arrived at the hotel very hot and very bothered. Echo greeted me with a kiss, poor man must have thought I wasn't coming, he had text and called me, I hadn't answered either and he had been sat in his car in the glaring sun for half an hour waiting patiently.



We had a lovely time kissing and cuddling and getting to know each other better. He is a very gentle man and extremely sweet, it is just a pity that his work commitments mean that the only time we can get together are usually Thursdays but he has to pick up his teenage daughter from her maths tutor mid evening, he has a long drive to get there. I decided to stay in the room after he left. By this time I was beginning to feel ill, I ate my sandwich and made myself some hot tea, ate the battered looking mars bar that I have been carring around for emergencies. Watched a bit of tv and lay on the bed. I must have just drifted off after a brief conversation with Wednesday when I was rudely woken by an alarm going off. I was so disorientated I didn't know if it was a fire alarm or some other alarm. I was running around the room not knowing what to do. I calmed myself down as I couldn't hear other people vacating their rooms. The alarm had stopped and I sat on the bed again and watched a bit more tv until I felt I would be ok to drive home.



Can you believe that on Friday I almost forgot to eat my lunch again!! It was about 2.30 when I realised. I usually have my lunch around 1.30pm