Back to battle stations

If I knew who to vent my anger at I would give it to them with both barrells. If life wasn't hard enough already.

I have been having that feeling of one step forward two steps back situation again. But I know that in reality it isn't quite that dire its more like 1 step forward 95% of step backwards. So with each step forward there is a small amount of progress even if it isn't as much as I would like.

About 10 days ago I was cleaning up my laptop, I now think maybe a bottle of bleach would have been a safer option but I was trying to be good and treat my laptop with care and attention. Whilst doing this I deleted among other things all my internet history. Good idea I hear you say?

I thought so, got rid of all the crap that had built up. But it also cleared out all my usernames and passwords. Ok not such a bad thing I can easily remedy that. But then I came to log onto my online banking............ah now we have hit a snag..............where the hell is my identity number. Ok that was solved more easily than I thought. Number retrieved, usual login achieved, hmmm there was one payment on there that I was not convinced was mine but I had to rush off to work so would check later.

Later I attempted to login but it wouldn't let me. Thats odd perhaps its something I have done, typed in a wrong digit or something. I tried again but it still didn't work. Next morning same thing. For the rest of the week I was unable to login to my bank, I was also having trouble with my email accounts so perhaps it was my laptop that was the problem. Ok I knew I had enough money to cover any payments that should go out. SF gave me his monthly cash payment so I had money to buy food with. Perhaps if I had tried to use my card before today I would have discovered that it had been blocked. But I didn't try to use it until I tried to buy petrol at a fast track card petrol pump. It declined!! WTF why would it do that? I knew I hadn't made the two largest payment I should have made so the money for those should be in my account still. I drove to cash point (ATM) to check my balance..............where the bloody hell has my money gone?

Once again I have tried to login to my online banking to see whats going on. Still I couldn't login, so I phoned the number given. Why do they have to use these call centres where the staff don't understand me and I don't understand them. I have nothing against the operatives who I am sure work very hard and are quite capable but the language barrier doesn't help it makes me more frustrated! Finally after speaking to two different departments I was transferred back to UK for the Fraud department. After going through all the security questions yet again and answering a few questions about payments I have made it transpires there have been some that I have not made. Consequently my bank card is now cut in half and I have to wait for a new card to arrive in the post. I still can't get onto my bank account to see what payments have been made either legtimately or not. I don't even know if my rent went out on Friday.

I should receive a form to complete and return which will then mean I can get my money back. However I am not overly optimistic. The last time this happened it took a few months. They kept sending me forms that didn't arrive. Then when I did get a form and had it faxed back to them directly from my local branch they didn't receive it. It took many phone calls and written complaints to get my money back. So this time I know what to expect I am prepared to do battle again.

I wish I knew who had done this to me, I would love to have a chance to give them a piece of my mind.

Before when things like this happened to me I would just despair of ever getting through all these struggles. Now I just think it is so unfair that I struggle so hard to get out of debt then something like this happens it makes me angry. I am angry that someone else should put me back into a difficult situation when I have been clawing my way out for so long. How dare anyone do this to me. It is bad enough when my debts are of my own doing (or that of my ex) but some unknown person who knows nothing about me or my circumstances. They know nothing of my struggles, they don't give a damn about me or my children, how bloody dare they do this.

But whatever ..............I know one thing for sure............I won't let them get me down. But if I ever find out who they are they had better watch out!

Desperate for a man ?

Following my last post Queen of Gullible the question of whether I am desperate for a man has been raised.

Now I ask you this................why would I be desperate for a man?

I was married for too many years to want to be married again in a hurry.

One of the reasons I divorced him was so that I could make my own decisions without having to always defer to him first. (not a major reason for divorce but a welcome bonus).

Whilst I was still unhappily married I was scornful of women who had to have a man in their life.

Now here I am giving an impression that I must have a man in my life.

I am not one of those women who can only be happy if there is a man in their life.

I am and have since my divorce been happy with myself, my self confidence has grown immensely. After years of emotional and verbal abuse I had to relearn to love myself. Now I am in a place where I do.

I do not need anyone male or female to make me happy I do that myself. That does not mean that having a man in my life would not add to my happiness, it just isn't the recipe to happiness. I decided several years ago to be happy and I trully believe that we all choose whether to be happy or miserable. I choose to be happy. I do have off days where I am not so happy but they are few and far between.

I take great store in being independent, managing on my own, being able to do everything a man can do. I have always believed that anything a man can do so can a woman. I do love to be feminine but I am also just as happy to get my hands dirty doing practical stuff. (that doesn't mean I am good at it but then not all men are either). A few years ago I said that there are only two things I need a man for.......putting up wallpaper and sex. So how do I manage .......I don't do wallpaper I paint my walls and for sex well that is easy .............I have Forest for that .....my 'occasional indulgence'.

So why would I want a man in my life........well thats obvious isn't it

To put up shelves and curtain poles, to unblock the toilet ...................to cut the hedge........strip wallpaper, all things that I am capable and do, do myself. But it would be nice to have some help with these things.

To share things with, holding hands walking along the beach, going out for meals or to the theatre/cinema. To go on holiday with.

I have struggled financially through out my life both during and since my marriage. It would be nice to have someone to share the burden with. Someone I can treat sometimes, someone to treat me occasionally.

For 20 years I was starved of affection, this has left me craving affection, it is very difficult for a naturally tactile and affectionate person to live in a world without intimacy.

All of these things are reasons I would like to have a man in my life but even without any of these things I am still happy.

I know that having a man in my life will not make me happy.............anyone who knows me knows that I am happy already.........a man in my life will only enrich the life I already have.

My idea of a perfect relationship is one where you live close to each other but not together. I think adjoining houses with a connecting door that you can lock would be great.

Queen of Gullible

One reason I have not blogged much recently is that most of my blogging has been about my love life, family and work. I try not to blog about work very much but occasionally I just have to or at least mention it in passing.



I decided a while ago that I was going to try to avoid blogging about my love life (or lack of) as writing about it seems to have an adverse effect. That leaves my family, I think I have blogged so much about DC & OJ going off to Uni and ET 's attempt to join the RAF there is little else to write and they deserve a break as do my readers.



Having just said I was trying to avoid it, I am now going to write about my love life. It could be that every man who ever comes near me, reads my blog and as soon as they are mentioned they cut loose. Now I know this is not the case, besides, very few people read my blog these days. I have even been keeping quiet on Face book. But last week I posted on Face book that I have been invited to the England v Australia Rugby International at Twickenham. (I should be on my way there now). Surely the curse wouldn't be activated by such a simple thing as saying I had been invited. I didn't say who had invited me. But obviously the curse even reaches my face book.



Perhaps you would like a little back ground information here. Why am I suddenly blogging about going to Twickenham when clearly I am not. Who was I going to be going with. What is all this nonsense about a curse. Or perhaps you are just wondering if I have finally lost all my marbles (it has been on the cards for 40+ years).



Why the curse?

Back in the early part of the summer out of the blue I saw Oxo again after 2 years. He told me that he had thought we had a good thing going before, when I went off and left him. (I wanted a proper relationship, he didn't). He agreed to try having a relationship even though he feels he isn't good at relationships. A couple of days later I mentioned him to PB (friend/neighbour/colleague) that I was seeing him again. It must have been less than 30 mins later that I received a text from Oxo saying that he was sorry but he would not be in touch again. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but as shocked as I was, I wasn't upset just bewildered.



Then, there was a new guy in my life fairly quickly after that (I have forgotten what I called him). He tells me that he is a trained councellor, he works with people who are terminally ill. He scolded me about my humour, I thought he was eccentric, but to cut a long story short, after weeks of emails we had a long chat on the phone which resulted in us agreeing to meet for a drink. That mid week drink led to an afternoon/evening the following sunday talking, holding hands and dare I say it, kissing. A few days later an another evening together and promises to go to a party together after my imminent holiday. Before we had met he had got me to open up to him about various issues. The flood gates had opened and I ended up telling him so much more than most people ever know about me. (he said he was honoured that I had told him). I mentioned this promising new man on my blog.



When I returned from my family holiday he didn't go to the party, or answer any of my emails or text messages. Eventually he confessed that he nolonger wanted to see me. He said I had told him too much plus he feels that I have more than my share of health issues!!! He couldn't cope with me being a diabetic, cancer survivor, but the last straw was my headaches (I get fewer now than in previous years). Ok his loss, I was not upset about losing him so soon but it was the way he went about it that got my goat.



But moving on within a week I met Spark, he had not been intended to be a love interest, he was a customer from work. We met for lunch which went too well, he asked to see me again the next evening. After many comments from a colleague at work about the big grin on my face I mentioned to her that I had seen one of our customers. Next day he told me that he didn't want to mess me about, he has a girlfriend and although it may not last he felt guilty about me.



I decided to give dating a break when I got a message out of the blue from a new man from a dating site that I don't set much store by, but have had a profile on for years. The message was different to most.......it was neither a 'hi fancy a chat' or a 'lets have some fun'. Neither of which instill me with much confidence. But this man got my interest, I have to be honest and say that just looking at his photo (which I quite possibly had done several times) I would not have looked any further. I replied by chatting about something on his profile. Soon the messages going back and forth became emails, phone numbers were exchanged (but not used.....that first conversation on the phone is difficult when you both have children who seem to congregate when you want a private conversation). Our emails became a daily ritual. We agreed to meet for a meal 3 weeks down the line. But then we both realised that it would be halloween weekend and he needed to see what his children were doing. (they are younger than mine).The day of our meal was fast approaching and no decision made whether our date would be this coming weekend or the following one (today).

Twickenham

On Friday morning he emailed me. He has tickets for England v Australia @ Twickenham (today) would I like to go with him and have a meal after. Now this is when I wrote my question on Face Book saying that I had been invited should I accept. Of course I did want to go but I had one small reservation in that it would be a very long day to be with someone I had never met, if it turned out that we didn't get on. (thats me trying to be sensible for a change). Before I left work I rushed off a quick reply (I would be out all evening) saying that it sounds good but mentioned my reservation about us not having met. Also would this be as well or instead of our meal the next day. Saturday came and went so did Sunday......nothing. I wrote to him saying that it would have been nice to be told that Saturday was definitely off as I could then ahve made other plans for my evening. It wasn't a nasty email, if anything it was apologetic in case I had missed something and he had already told me. But I have had enough of being treated badly so I was standing up for myself, expressing my right to be treated with respect. Monday and Tuesday came and went, still no word. By wednesday evening I was getting jittery about today. I sent a brief email saying he is obviously busy but could he please tell me what the plan was for today.

It is now Saturday lunch time the match is about to begin and I am still at home not having had a single word from him since he issued the invitation 8 days ago. Now I wonder if it is the curse of having mentioned his invitation even though I didn't mention him. Or is it that he is a jerk just like all the other men who have come and gone in my life. Perhaps he is one of the many 'time wasters' who lurk on dating sites, they like to email and chat but never actually meet. (He wouldn't be the first to make arrangements to meet me but then vanish when the day arrives). During a chat conversation last night I was asked if he is now History. As much as I know you want me to say yes, I can't.

Marles lost?

You see I have done a fair bit of thinking about this. On the face of it, he is just another one who has messed me about and for whatever reason, having reached this far has decided to just cut me off. There is always of course the simple explanation that he has not been near his computer or there is something wrong with it. But I have dismissed that idea for two reasons, he could phone me if that was the case. Plus his business is internet based so he would need his computer for his work......he wouldn't therefore go a whole week without it. So it is obvious isn't it, he has messed me about and now he doesn't want to know.

But maybe it isn't as simple as that, maybe he has a perfectly good explanantion and I will find out what that is when he eventualy gets in touch again. Maybe he is ill, (Swine flu is still rife). I don't know what the explanation is, but I think that if I am patient I will soon find out. You see from what he has told me about himself and his family I don't think he would just stop speaking to me, especially when his last email was to invite me out. Perhaps my email asking for a little respect upset him, I don't think so. It certainly wasn't a spitting my dummy out, type of email and even if it had been, I don't think it would have scared him. From what he has hinted at he has led quite a dare devil life in the past. A few words from me are not going to have him quaking in his boots. Besides I rather think that if he hadn't liked what I had said, he would have told me that, not just gone silent. Unless everything he has told me about himself is a complete and utter lie then I don't think he is the kind of person who would do any of this intentionally. It seem so out of character to me. But then again we all know that I am the queen of gullible.