Lady in red

an afternoon at sea

2010-08-14T16:57:00.012+01:00

As I said last time I posted on here I spent a lovely afternoon out sailing on Sailor's 32' racing yacht. Plumber came with us. I had only just introduced the two of them when the harbour master gave the all clear. It was a sudden scramble to cast off.
Out in the harbour then out into the sea

the skipper of the yacht

the other crew member
oh and yes I was there too

returning to the harbour

In the lock as we return to the mooring

It was a lovely afternoon with two great guys who had two things in common a love of sailing and ME!! I also caught the sun

catch up

2010-07-31T20:29:00.004+01:00

Its been a while so here's a few things to catch up

My baby boy JA (he's now about 6" taller than me) has just two years left at school, when he goes back in September the hard work gets harder as he begins preparing for his GCSE's in 2012. At the start of the month he had a 5 day sailing course which much to my relief he loved.

ET how is it possible he is officially a man now at 18 but he will always be my timid little boy scared of everything. He is working part time at M & S for the summer then in September he is going back to college (I hope he sticks it out for longer than a term this time).

OJ is quite the independent young man at 19 son to be 20 he is doing well at Uni and is currently in Thailand with some of his Uni friends for 5 weeks. When he gets back here he will be moving into a house that he will be sharing with the same friends he is with now.

DC I don't see or hear much from him these days he is busy living his own life. He has also finished his first year at Ui and has already moved into a house with friends. He is also working through the summer (at last).

Mum is slowly recovering from her last knee op, she can now walk short distances without her stick, but she does suffer when she has done too much walking about. She drives short distances ie around out town and maybe to the adjoining town. But no further, her driving worries me and I always insist on driving whenever we go anywhere together. Last weekend I took her for an overnight visit to my grandmother in the Cotswolds.

Grandmother is now 91 and thankfully stopped driving last year. She still lives alone and seems to manage but her memory is not great. She talks a lot about her father and her sister. But also her little boy and her daughter. She asked me if I ever met her little boy (he was my dad). She cried when we were leaving ..........she doesn't think she will see me again.

SF is not my favourite person right now. In the last 3 months he has paid me only £50 towards the upkeep of our children. He is meant to give me £100 per month so he is £250 short. He says he has no money and anyway I earn more than him and have a laptop and run a car. I was thinking about going back to the CSA to get money from him when I received a letter from them advising of a new calculation of what he should be paying. I have called them asking that they collect the money from him. It would mean that he can't miss payments plus I would get more, not a lot but it all helps.

Sailor He is getting used to living on his own, spends a lot of time with his daughters and grandson. We see each other when we can, last weekend we went out sailing (with Plumber) it was the first time I had been out on the open sea.

Plumber........what can I say except that he loves me, he wishes I was his wife.

My garden is about to get a make over, very soon, a gardener is going to dig up just over half of my garden and paving it for me. A week later a contractor from my housing association are finally replacing my fence. (It has only taken since November).

Perseverance

2010-06-13T11:22:00.001+01:00

We have now been divorced for a little over 4 years yet several times a year and yesterday was one of those times he asks the question

Is there any chance we can try again?

No

Finding family

2010-06-06T11:24:00.006+01:00

Growing up I always felt that I was missing out. There were 5 of us...... mum, dad, me and my 2 brothers DA and TJ. Both sets of grandparents lived an hour away, before both sets moved further away from us down in Kent. My paternal grandparents moved first to Cotswolds then my maternal grandparents moved to deepest Dorset. My dad had a much younger sister but she was at boarding school then moved to Germany to follow her chosen career, she later met and married out there before years later having two children (now in their early 20's). My mum had one brother R who didn't want children, he met and married an American. He had only ever returned to UK a few times in the years since. So our life was not like that of all our friends who had extended families around them. There were no aunts and uncles or cousins in our lives.

My maternal grandfather was an only child but my granny was one of six although I only ever met great uncle John who lived with his wife and only daughter (mum's only cousin) on the south coast near Bournemouth. My paternal grandparents families were a bit of a mystery to us but I had always known that Grandmother M and her sister B had 'so many stepmothers they could make a ladder'. Great aunt B had four children (my dad had 10 cousins but I have no idea who the others are/were). I have always known the names of aunt B's children the youngest J is just 2 years older than me. I have heard tales of his antics when visiting us when I was a baby/toddler but have no recollection myself. Aunt B and her family moved to Glasgow when I was still very young so even these 'cousins' were out of my reach.

I did get to meet J and his sister S back in 1977 when we were on holiday in Scotland, we spent an afternoon visiting aunt B and Uncle D, both J & S were out but popped in for a short time. I was an inpressionable and shy 15 yr old and was instantly smitten with the good looking sporty 17 yr old cousin. The older siblings (sister G & brother D) had left home by then.

Some years later I met G and D (and his wife and baby daughter F) at a suprise family lunch for my grandparents golden anniversary. I was very poorly and spent much of the day sleeping in aunt B's hotel room. Everyone wrongly thought I was pregnant. Although I missed the meal I did manage to be in the family photograph taken in the hotel garden.

I saw my dad's sister BD and her two children a couple of times in the next few years (her son R is just weeks older than my #1 son DC and her daughter A just 2 yrs older). The last time I saw A & R was about 12 years ago. The last time I saw my aunt BD and cousin G was at my dad's funeral 15 yrs ago.

So it has been a long time since I saw most of my family. Great aunt B died a couple of years ago. My Uncle R was run over in Texas about 8 yrs ago.

My only two real cousins A & R who are nearer to the age of my children have grown up in Germany although I now gather that A lives in Ealing.

My only family I see regularly are my mum and my grandmother.

Until yesterday............I have found my family and there are so many ore connections going on that we didn't realise...........but that is another post

some of you will be interested to see who my 2nd cousins are and what we discovered on our day out..........Dani I will email you.

Still alive

2010-05-29T12:52:00.005+01:00

Ok so I have not blogged for a while.

There have been a few times when I have thought...............I could blog about that. But by the time I get a chance the inspiration has gone.

There hasn't been much to blog about really. My work has been busy, Since March I have been attempting to keep up with as much work as I can which has seen me working through my lunch break a few times just to keep the pressure down a bit. The reason is that where a year ago there were three of us working together (in theory). Then since september it was reduced to two of us, since March my colleague has been covering another important post within the company (one which is vital to the running of the company). So for the last few months I have been trying to cope mostly on my own. (Business has also picked up a bit too). This has meant that I have been coming home exhausted. However things should be getting back to normal in the next few months with two new staff joining the office very soon.

I suppose I should update you on what happened after my last post.

SF arrived at my home with his friend and colleague from before he lost his licence 4 years ago. I chatted to GG for a few minutes as I hadn't seen him for a few years. SF is very lucky to have such a good friend who will turn out for him in times of need. (hmmm idea just sprung to mind GG now on his own since both kids have left home.........hmm perhaps should suggest this).

I offered SF a cuppa but he was ok he had his beer (a case of it) during the evening I chatted to him with our boys. He has been smoking since I filed for divorce, but agreed to smoke outside as this has always been a smoke free zone. It was fine while I was sat downstairs with SF and ET. I reiterated that it would only be one night.

It was after I went to bed that it got worse for me. ET had also gone to bed shortly after me, I heard the stairs and landing creaking, I heard SF's voice outside my door, he was speaking to JA & ET. I lay awake until gone 2am listening to every noise worrying that my door would open. The memories of those 7 months of hell while he still lived in the house during our divorce came flooding back. The fears and feelings I had during that time had returned. There is no way in this world I could have another night like that. In the morning I got ready for work as I was leaving I woke JA telling him to ake his father a cuppa and get him to leave when he went to school. I was not impressed that the whole house stank of cigarette smoke and he had used one of my candle dishes as an ashtray. At work I worried that he wouldn't go. I phoned OJ (he had been out the previous night) repeatedly until he assured me at 9am that his dad had gone. Two days later he phoned me to ask if he could sleep on my sofa again. I said NO and he accepted that and to my relief hasn't bothered me since.

That same night I had also told Plumber online that it was time he started being honest with me. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about. But because SF arrived while we were talking we couldn't have a proper conversation that night. A couple of nights later we had a heated conversation about his lies. He has now admitted that he does live at home some of the time but they have seperate rooms. Hes still not being totally honest but its a start and he now knows that I will not stand for bare faced lies. Our relationship if you can call it that has become stronger. Over recent weeks he has said that he thinks I deserve a better life and if he could he would give it to me but current circumstances mean he can't at present. He says that he won't stop me seeing others and hopes I wont stop him but he won't go out of his way to see other women .......I satisfy all his needs. (whatever he means by that).

Plumber knows I have been seeing Sailor (who also knows about Plumber). They are both happy to share me but don't want me to be hurt or damaged. A few times there have been half arrangements for the three of us to go sailing together. But on the day things didn't work out. I have now been out in the harbour with Sailor on his boat a couple of times, once just using the engine then on Monday after work we spent a couple of hours sailing while the weather was good. I really enjoyed that and hope to go again this weekend. Plumber is very jealous (of us sailing).

Tuesday evening I had a posh frock evening (thank heavens for ebay) I wore a purple dress
with silver heels ..........my mum calls them y 'Dorothy slippers'. It was the Rotary club President's night. Very different to previous ones I had been to. This was at a pub on the A32 that I have passed many times but not taken much notice of because it does not look inviting from outside. It turns out to be a restaurant that has tribute acts performing a caberate on a small stage. The room we were in had a very strange mix of traditional countryside prints including a Roebuck, and theatrical ornamentation. There was a chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The place is run by a couple of men who had been in the theatre in their past. One of them apparently was one of the countries leading pantomime Dames.

So now you know what has been going on in my life in the last 5 or 6 weeks.

I'm not doing it for his sake

2010-04-19T19:04:00.003+01:00

Today I invited SF (my ex husband) to sleep on my sofa ............for one night and one night only.

PB thinks I have lost all sense and gone completely mad.

I didn't make the suggestion for his sake although I do feel sorry for him (for today).

He rang me at work...........yet again!!

As soon as he began talking I knew he was distressed but it could have been that he was very drunk.

He said he had phoned OJ and asked him to stay with him tonight at his place..........he didn't say whether OJ had agreed or not.

He then told me that this morning when he got home from his early morning work he found his g/f dead on the sofa.............massive heart attack he said.

That was why he wanted OJ to stay with him to keep him company tonight.

I was not about to make my son spend the night in a room where someone had died just hours earlier.

That is why I said that SF could stay on my sofa for one night and one night only.............so that he could have the company of his sons without them having to stay at his place.

I am doing this for their sake not his.

But I am not such a cold hearted bitch that I would make him stay on his own

But it is for one night only..............he will not be moving in as PB thinks he will............. there is no way in this world I am letting him back.

And while I am feeling strong and imovable I have told Plumber to start being honest...........it will make life easier for him.

mixed basket

2010-04-18T16:31:00.003+01:00

A lot of things have been going through my head

Firstly as I drive around at the moment it has been lovely to see all the daffodils waving their yellow and cream heads at us as we pass. I know they are very late this year, I'm not sure exactly but it has to be at least a month if not more. I got to thinking about all the roadsides that are wearing their coat of yellow, we become so accustomed to seeing them year in and year out. But it has never occurred to me before to wonder. Is this a British thing or do other countries have battalions of daffodils on their roadsides and roundabouts like we do.

Secondly I have been thinking about all the people stranded abroad and of course those wanting to go but I think it is worse for those waiting to come home. I know of 3 people who have been abroad and should have come home but are still stuck, one in Spain, one in Holland (I would have thought he could have got a ferry home) and another in Cairo. Every day the airspace shut down is extended by another 7 hours, we are told that this could go on for days maybe even weeks. Not only will this cause chaos for passengers who either can't get back from or get to where ever they need to be. There will be chaos for the air freight business too. I know that the Company I work for has to have good flown in from varios places and that is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. The bosses of the airlines must be pulling their hair out to have this happen (especially now). They did not have a good start to the year with the snow closing airports across the country. Then earlier this month there were the strikes. One has to wonder if some of the smaller airlines will survive.

I have been poorly again but you don't want to know that. I just figure I must have put my foot in my mouth big style when towards the end of march I told someone that I was very lucky that with all the colds and other bugs going around I had not caught anything for at least a year. Well I have made up for it big time in the last few weeks. I think I have paid my penance now for being so arrogant...............I've had enough now and think illness should leave me alone now and let me get on with life without disruption.

I met an old friend today while I was doing my shopping, she told me that she is going for tests tomorrow to find out if she as breast cancer. She is not coping well at the moment, it didn't help that a so called friend phoned her this morning to tell her that another friend died in the night with breast cancer. At least I was able to balance that out by telling her that on Friday I was told that someone who had been waiting for the results of the same tests had been told hers was non cancerous. I have promised to remind her every day that no matter what the results are she will get through it and to keep laughing.

I know a lot of women including the wonderful firebyrd and my son's g/f's mother who have had breast cancer and survived to tell the tale.

Its my birthday and I'll do what I want to

2010-04-11T18:33:00.004+01:00

It's my birthday .....another year closer to 50 eeekk

I woke up late to a quiet house. On my laptop there were some birthday wishes waiting for me on facebook including one from Vi who said my ears should have been burning in my dreas becasue she has been lucky enough to meet nitebyrd and Mulder on her holiday in USA. Now if I had been keeping up with my blog reading I would have known this as both Vi and Nitebyrd had blogged that they would meet. I am so jealous Vi is such a lovely lovely woman who I have had the pleasure of meeting 3 or 4 times. Nitebyrd I would love to meet and Mulder of course during his brief spell of blogging I teased relentlessly and would do now if he was still blogging. Anyway I am glad that they all got to meet and I shall look forward to hearing all about it ...........you guys have got my email address if you don't want to tell me in public.

I was just thinking about running a bath to get ready for meeting my mum for lunch. My phone alert went off it was a birthday greting from Karma.......wow I didn't expect that. We exchanged text a few weeks ago when we had almost bumped into each other at the Dr's carpark. But other wise we had not had contact for months. I didn't even think he knew when my birthday is. I can only assume that he had seen it on facebook (we are friends but I don't think he ever goes on there.......even less than firebyrd). So I text him back thanks and this is a nice suprise.......cheeky man replied didn't I know it was my birthday.

Yesterday when I was chatting online to Golf I had asked him for suggestions about where mum & I could for lunch today.......He suggested a waterside pub that he knows. If I was then free at a reasonable time we could meet up after lunch. It has been a long time since I last saw him and don't now have his phone number. He said he will text me.
Before I set off for lunch with mum I asked Marmie if she would recomend the pub Golf had suggested, but she mentioned another pub within yards of the first one. We followed Marmie's advice but parking was a problem. I had to drop mum off and go off to find somewhere to park (like looking for a needle in the proverbial haystack). I'm sure she was beginning to think she had been abandoned. It was at the pub that mum gave me my birthday card, I did have to laugh, not only is it so right for me but also identical to the one I got from my colleagues at work on Friday.

I have only received 2 cards at the moment and they are the same .........obviously I am predictable.

I was sitting chatting to mum at her dinning table back at her house when I got a text ..........happy birthday.........there was no name just an unknown number. I wasn't sure but I guessed it could be Golf. The next text asked if I had had a good lunch .........now I knew it was Golf. He was in his office in the city but about to go home to pack for a business trip to Egypt, we could meet on his way home. I told him I would be admiring the view of the city from a car park. I didn't say which one.

I drove up onto the hill glancing at the first couple of car parks for his car. He had sent me a further two text by then but my phone was playing up so I couldn't read them. I was just thinking about one of the car parks that had a slightly higher view point than others but decided to go to the car park where we last met last summer. I had just passed the turning when I saw his car coming towards me and turn into the car park I had rejected. I carried on until I could turn. Parking up next to his car I checked my phone again ....still not able to read my messages. He was quite bemused that I had found him as we hadn't agreed a place to meet. We chatted for a while and agreed to meet for a drink once he is back from his trip.

When I got home the boys were all awake (so they should be at 5pm on a sunday) and had cleared the kitchen and the livingroom.....not great but a big improvement. This evening I am going out for a drink with Sailor.

Day time tv

2010-04-04T20:09:00.004+01:00

The last week has meant a lot of sleeping. I don't think I have slept this much for years. The last time I felt this ill was whan I had a virus and my Dr thought my cancer had returned.

There has been a lot of tv watching. I have watched a lot of house programs either finding or doing up. I have wat
ched a few CSI programs. There have been old episodes of Top Gear. I have even stooped to watching Jeremy Kyle. There have been panel games and quiz shows.

There have been a fair few chats with a few men I have begun chatting to recently but being ill I have not really been that bothered about chatting a lot. My attention has been limited and have often just trialed off either forgetting they were still there or telling them I need to sleep.

But there has been one man I have chatted to most days on and off. He is having problems with his internet at the moment but BT have promised to have him back online by Tues. Feeling a touch of cabin fever after a week in my sick bed I agreed to go out for a drink with him. He really is a lovely man and fairly local too. I will definately be seeing more of him. (Actually this was not our first date as I met him before I became ill).
For much of the week food has been a big issue. I knew I had to eat to get stronger but eating anything was such a struggle. Hot food was out of the question as it made me gag, even the smell of food being cooked by/for my boys made me feel queasy. Eating anything was a chore, it was taking 5 minutes to eat a biscuit. But little by little I have got there, against his instincts Plumber brought me ice cream, cartons of custard and packets of instant dessert. I needed food that I could swallow without having to chew it. Apart from my boys Plumber was the only person I saw all week. He came round twice in one day although most days he said he would call in. He is an has been very goo for me but I still can't rely on him.

On Friday DC came home for a while and between us we made up a shopping list which he and OJ went off and bought returning 2 hours later......they seem to have bought everything I asked for. There have now been 3 occasions when all 4 of my boys have been in the house at the same time which has been nice. DC has even got himself a part time job (not before time) starting next weekend. OJ has been tutoring a friend's brother in A level maths every day this week for £10 hr. ET has got himself an interview to go back to college in Sept.

Things are beginning to look up.

Energy

2010-03-30T12:49:00.002+01:00

I have not been on here for a while not for any sinister reason but because I have been very stupid and given myself food poisoning. Thinking I had got over it I returned to work last friday where I had a diabetic episode and was sent home. By the time I reached home I knew I was very ill (felt like flu). But I was convinced that after a good nights sleep I would be better again. It is now Tuesday and although I am considerably better than over the weekend I am still very uncomfortable. I still have a severe lack of energy. But to slow down my recovery I am struggling to eat even the simplest of things. Although I was very pleased with myself yesterday for managing a whole slice of toast.

My Dr has signed me off work for the entire week with the threat of longer if I am not suitably recovered after the Easter bank holiday.

I am afraid this is all the energy I have to write ..............time to go back to sleep again

Couple

2010-03-19T20:48:00.002Z

It began with an afternoon shopping trip. This was going to be no ordinary shopping trip. Plumber was taking me to a sex shop, my first ever, to buy me whatever toys I wanted. As it turned out the shop was a bit of an anti climax. I chose one toy but overall we were not impressed with the shop. I think from now on I shall purchase any future toys and other accessories online.

Following this we investigated a new store that had only been open a few months. Starting off checking out the printed canvases and soft furnishings we then moved outside to the garden centre checking out bulbs, pots and possible paving designs. Next we took the escalator to the upper floor where we checked out the variety of sofas and armchairs. That was fun although I did bring attention to myself when I was about to stand up from one of the reclining archairs that Plumber couldn't make work. As I moved to stand it shot out suprising me so much that I shrieked, Plumber thought I had been hurt.

By the time we had been to Tesco for a bottle of my favourite rum and some diet coke we were both hungry. We decided against going anywhere for dinner instead we bought fish and chips to take back to his house. A glass or two each of red wine to go with our supper we had a relaxing evening watching tv and taking it in turns to have a bath. Of course that night we had to experiment with my new toy together with the other new ones I had got from an Ann Summers party a week earlier.

Sunday we had a lazy morning sleeping in, having a light breakfast and watching tv before he dropped me home. It being Mother's day we both had mothers to see. The rest of the week saw us spending each night either together or talking online. There was much tv watching, films included 'Troy' and 'The goood, The bad and The Ugly'. Documentaries included 'the Coast' among many others. Meals were cooked and eaten. Most of the time we were at his place but we also drank tea and watched tv at my place. He has forged a bond with our family cat.

Mid week he was poorly, he wanted me to spend the evening keeping him company. Just being there with him helped, he says I kept him calm where he would normally be irritable. That night I didn't stay over but drove home in the midnight fog.

This last week has been good, it has been companionable. It could have been a very sexual week but it wasn't it was nice just to have each other's company. It reminded me what I miss not being in a relationship. It was good behaving like a proper couple. But we are not a proper couple. I doubt we ever will be. He doesn't want a commitent and I have various reason why he would not be my chosen partner in life. But for now having him in my life is good and I am glad to bring some sunshine into his life too.

its a bet

2010-03-13T15:11:00.003Z

What is my son turning into?
This afternoon he posted the following on facebook

now has 32 bets on today's football. Potential winnings £500 Total spent £4.96. Oh the wonders of being a Mathemagician.

it's 32 separate bets on the same 5 matches.
The beauty of binomial expansion.
Basically £500 if all 5 are wins in my favour.
then i win less money if there is 1 draw
some money if there is 2 draws... See More
a bit more money if there is 3 draws
quite a bit of money if there is 4 draws
£400 if there is 5 draws.

If Everton win however I will cry

1 (free £5 bet) on all 5 winning, then 31x16p bets. 5 on 1 draw, 10 on 2 draws, 10 on 3 draws, 5 on 4 draws, 1 on 5 draws.

At the end of the day it's a fiver so i'm willing to take the risk on Everton. As they don't allow me to bet on Everton winning aswell becuase then i break the bookmakers system lol

p.s. I'd pay £5 to make football this much more interesting anyway. Even if i lose

Hmm he has been away from home less than 6 months and hes turning into ..........

more than a friend

2010-03-06T23:47:00.004Z

I thought that after my last post I should write a new one about Plumber.

We seem to have fallen into a comfortable friendship. Which is what he wants, a good friendship without commitment. He tells me that I am his lover and his friend. At the moment it is more friend than lover as there has been no intimacy between us since last summer. He visits me at home often, whether it is to help me with any jobs like my garden clearance or for a cuppa and a natter. But whilst he is here there is no intimacy at all. I would be quite happy to have a cuddle and kiss but while my sons are home he will behave like the perfect gentleman.

He says he is my fairy godfather, he likes to help me out. He tells me that he is always here for me. He tells me that if my landlords don't get my fence fixed soon he will do it and send them the bill. (I am still waiting for him to fix my shower since last June). I know he will do anything for me, I just can't rely on him.

Since he finally managed to switch to my main msn account we chat online more often. Last weekend we chatted in the early evening but he soon went off to bed early as he was very tired after working all day. I was up late but was just about falling asleep in the middle of editing some photos. It was slow going and was almost 3am, when I noticed the little orange tab showing that Plumber was chatting. I was more asleep than awake but this unexpected turn of events meant that I was soon wide awake again. We had the silliest conversation (one of these word association type conversations). starting off with him saying he would call round next day if I was in.

I have a date with a hoover

Edgar?

Damn you guessed

This went on for ages skipping from one subject to another until we ran out of steam when we got to cheddar gorge being cheesy. By this time it was 5.30am. This was a really silly conversation but it was one of the best even if it was at a stupid hour.

Earlier this week we were chatting early in the evening when I mentioned that it would be nice to have a cuddle. His immediate reaction was to ask what was the matter. I told him there was nothing wrong, I didn't need a cuddle just thought it would be nice. He came round for a cuppa and a natter on Thursday eve. We had been sat together on my sofa for a couple of hours when to my suprise he put his arm around me. I was even more suprised that he kept his arm around me when ET came through to make himself a drink. Plumber and ET had a conversation about job hunting. Still he kept his arm around me. Later he said something about me having the cuddle I had wanted. (there were a few kisses involved too).

Next evening ET asked me

Is Plumber now your boyfriend?

He is my friend

You don't cuddle friends

I left it at that, I don't feel inclined to explain to my 18 yr old son that Plumber is my friend with benefits (more friend less benefits ~ although I benefit from being his friend).

clearance

2010-02-28T18:34:00.004Z

Over the years I have been adding to a collection that I would have preferred not to start.

It began while SF was still here. For many years SF worked for a company whose main business was/is waste disposal. Among the many things that annoyed me about SF was that most people take their rubbish to the tip but he had a habit of bringing other people's unwanted possessions home with him. One of these things was an upright piano keyboard. It was being thrown out by a school as it was passed it usefulness. For sometime it stood in my living/dinning area taking up valuable space. It was good for the boys to practice their keyboard skills provided they didn't play it for more than 10 minutes at a time (it had a habit of turning itself off).

So eventually it was moved outside a placed on the small patio up against the fence, before it would be disposed of. It was joined by a 3 seater sofa that had been replaced (by another second hand one). Neither of these items were going to fit into my car to be taken to the household tip. Over the last few years more and more has been added to this collection. I have made numerous trip to the tip getting rid of smaller items. As fast as I got rid of stuff more took its place.

I could have asked the council to take away the keyboard and sofa but they would have charged me. I could have borrowed or hired a van but I couldn't afford that and commercial vans are not permitted at the tip. I considered hiring a skip but even if I could afford it there is nowhere for it to be left as I do not have a drive neither is there a road outside my house.

All I could do was keep making trips to the tip with the smaller items that could be loaded into my small car. When I got my new furniture a few weeks ago I was determined not to let the pile of rubbish that my collection had become get any bigger.

I made up my mind that I would take a day off work during the school holidays so that I had teenagers to help. I text Plumber asking if he would be around on the date as I would be taking a day off. I told him what I planned and he agreed to help.

On the day Plumber arrived just as I was moving my car around to the garages to be loaded up for the first time. Between us with JA and ET we began the long task of clearing away as much as we could. Whilst we were doing this we heard the glanging of the hand bell being rung by te local scrap metal collector. That was lucky he doesn't come by very often (not that I would know not normally being at home in the day). He took away the old excercise bike, bbq and an old bike.

Plumber stood looking at the task ahead of us. He knew that with only my car to transport everything this was going to be a long hard day (in the rain). He asked for my phone book made a few calls and arranged for someone to call round in the afternoon to see what needed clearing.

Plumber went off to do some errands while I made the trip to the tip for what would now be the only time that day. He returned just prior to the arrival of the clearance man who judged the job would cost £150 and he could do it the next morning. Plumber paid him out of his own pocket.

True to their word when I returned home from work next day it was all gone.

A very long day

2010-02-18T20:25:00.003Z

After my late night drinking tea with Plumber I really needed to get an early night on Saturday but that wasn't to be. I had gone to bed and was just about to turn off my laptop when Plumber came online. We discussed where I would leave my car while I was off on my travels. I was meeting my colleague Cathy at my local rail station at 7am. (I must be mad!!). I had planned to park in a street not far from the station but Plumber was sure the station car park would be free on a Sunday. By the time we had finished chatting and I had checked out the car park situation it was gone 1am. Not clever considering I needed to be getting up at 5am.

When I arrived at the station at 6.45am Cathy was already there. Her first comment was that we were both wearing purple and black, my black trouser suit, purple blouse and accessories and her black and purple dress. Little did we know that when we eventually joined Boss Lady at the exhibition stand she would also be in black suit and purple patterned blouse.

We made good time arriving at the NEC at 9am but still had a long slow drive snaking along the road between the many car parks until we were directed to a parking space. We then climbed on board a bus (I was going to say jumped on but that would give an impression of fitness that isn't there). Hanging on for dear life as the bus swung us this way and that (it was standing room only when we got on). We were deposited outside the main entrance to one set of halls (luckily our hall was close by). A few minutes later we were checking out the floor plan to see where we should be. After 10 minutes of walking around in circles we were back checking the plan again. It still took a while searching before we found our stand.

I enjoyed the day talking to both current and prospective customers as well as meeting suppliers. (Thats something I don't normally get involved with as I am on the sales side of the business). It was very different meeting people face to face instead of speaking on the phone. Being cheeky and familiar with men I have never met before was fun as was showing off my memory for names etc.

The plan had been for me to catch the train home at 15.14 but it soon became apparent that that wasn't going to happen. In stead I set off for the station at 16.00 my poor feet hurting with every step made progress slow, it didn't help that I had no idea how far it was to the station, its all very well looking at a map.

On arriving at the station I rumaged in my bag for my ticket before looking at the board to find my train. Looking at the arrivals board there was no sign of my train. Not suprising really as the clock was now showing 16.15 damn missed it !!! I found a seat and prepared to wait for the next train in another hour. I made my way gingerly on still painful feet down the steps to the platform at 17.00 giving myself 14 minutes of agony standing waiting for the train.

It was with short lived relief that I saw the train pulling into the station. The carriage closest to me was packed, people were piling into the corridor. Walking down the platform I found that each carriage and corridor were the same. I had no choice but to stand in the very last corridor taking up the last standing position. With my feet screaming silently objecting to this further punishment. At least it should be ok once we reach Coventry and other passengers get off.

Coventry came and went yes passengers left the train only to be replaced by others, Leamington Spa was the same, Oxford and Banbury too. Finally after standing for an hour I managed to get a seat when we reached Reading. Squashed into the seat with more people standing in the aisles it was not much more comfortable but at least I could take the weight of my feet at last.

When I booked my ticket I knew that I would have to change at Southampton but it didn't say which of the two stations it was stopping at I needed to change. I chose to get off at the first of the two and yes according to the timetable there would be a train going to my home town in half an hour. It was by now 19.40 my train was due at 20.11. it would be more comfortable to sit in the waiting room. It was until the announcement that the waiting room was closing at 8pm.

Back on the cold dark platform I examined the timetable again as the trains being announced didn't seem to be going in the right direction. According to the lists of times and stations the train at 20.11 would call at my staion but the train that was due then was going in the opposite direction. I crossed to the other platform to await the next train going to Southampton central. Once I arrived there I looked for the next train home, I found the time but not the platform. I settled on a bench to wait, calling DC for a chat. I then checked again for my train discovering that I was on the wrong platform..........I reached the correct platform where my train was waiting, pressed the burron to open the door only to find that the train pulled away without me!

Ok so there would be another in 20 mins and at east now I was at the right station on the right platform! My phone rang unexpectedly, I assumed it would be a family member but it was LV. I told him where I was. He said that if he had known he would have given me a lift home. Isn't he a lovely friend. We had just finished chatting when my train arrived.

I finally arrived home at 21.37 after a very long and tiring yet enjoyable day. I am glad I went but next time I think I will drive myself, it will be quicker and less tiring than going by train.

Tea for two

2010-02-14T20:30:00.002Z

All week I have meant to write a post but wearyness over took me. It has taken me a full week to recover from last weekend.

On Friday evening I had arranged to go with my friend Jane to hear Plumber's rock band playing at a venue about 12 miles away. Jane had had a nightmare couple of days and only just got home when I was getting ready to go out so we were later leaving than intended. I think it was around 9.30pm when we walked in to the very quiet pub. Plumber had warned me that they treat gigs at this pub as practice sessions as it is never very busy. But I wasn't prepared for just how quiet it was especially as this pub is fairly big. Apart from the band and their entourage and the bar staff there perhaps a dozen customers in the pub.

Plumber greeted us saying that there had been a problem with one of the amps but they were still going to play. As the evening progressed more people arrived and the atmosphere improved. Plumber came over to speak to us a few times. I invited him to come round for a cup of tea after the gig (knowing it would be late). I did offer to open a bottle of wine but he would stil have to drive home so opted for tea. After the gig ended Jane and I headed out to my car, we were just getting settled in our seats when Plumber came looking for us. He complained that we had left without saying goodbye. (I didn't want to draw attention to our relationship in front of his friends). Jane thought it was very romantic that he had come looking for me.

Once I had driven home after dropping Jane off, I put on the kettle, lit my assortment of candles on the mantlepiece and grabbed some time to relax with my laptop while I waited. OJ who had come home for a few days was sat in the livingroom. I quickly went onto facebook changing my status to read................kettle on, candles lit, waiting for Plumber to arrive. It was about 1am when ET came in saying

'whats this about Plumber..........he isn't coming round now is he?'

With that both boys disappeared upstairs. You see Face Book does have it uses...........I didn't even have to ask my sons to give us some privacy.

It was 1.45am when Plumber arrived. We sat on my new sofa chatting and drinking tea until 3am. By the time I had turned everything off and gone to bed it was gone 3.45 when I finally went to sleep.

Just call me Rose

2010-01-31T22:11:00.003Z

Did I ever tell you that my name is Rose?

Have you ever heard of second hand Rose?

Well thats me. Second Hand Rose

Why am I telling you this now you might ask.

Back at the end of November I was asked if I wanted to change my 3 piece suite. I was being offered my friend PB's parents' suite as they were getting a new one. I was shown a photo of a suite in the same colour scheme as my livingroom. The yellow suite I have had for the last 5 years or so had previously belonged to PB and her then husband. As had the pink suite we had before that. Having 4 sons who were not only football and cricket mad but also into wrestling it didn't take long for these sofas to be ruined. I am glad I have never had new furniture while my boys were intent on climbing and jumping all over it. This time though I am hoping that the two still at home are old enough and mature enough to treat our furniture with more respect.

So today was the day my new suite was delievered by PB and my boss. But before they could deliver it I needed to make room for it. I had decided to keep the 2 seater sofa but throw out the 3 seater. Saturday evening saw me and ET attempting to get it out through the kitchen to our back garden. (I am planning to get a skip sometime soon to get rid of all the rubbish that is still there). Between us we manouvered it to the doorway upended it and began to move it through the gap. Half way through it wedged itself with just a couple of inches on either side I was stuck in the kitchen whilst ET was in the livingroom. It wouldn't move either way, so ET stood on the other sofa to reach the side of the arm cutting away at the fabric and foam covering in the hope that this would make a difference. When he had stripped away as much as he could there was nothing more he could do. Eventually we managed to get it back into the livingroom. It didn't matter which way we turned it, there was noway it was going to fit.

There was nothing else for it but to set about dismantling it. Out came my mallet and a pair of scissors. I excused ET saying I would call him when I need him. I actually enjoy weilding my mallet, seeing something solid reduced to a pile of wood and fabric. Not only does it give me great satisfaction but it is easier to get it outside and eventually into my car to the tip. I managed to break it down enough to get it through the kitchen door swivel it round and out through the back door..............all on my own. Then the clearing up process began. It's no wonder my shoulder has been aching since.

Now that I have a new two seater sofa and two arm chairs I think the old 2 seater will have to go too as there is not enough room otherwise.

This afternoon I took my mum out for a short drive. Nowhere exciting just to get her out of the house as she is feeling the effects of cabin fever now after a month of being stuck inside.

The good, bad and the ugly

2010-01-29T23:44:00.005Z

There have been some good things this week.

The money I had found last week was given to me mid week as it hadn't been claimed even though every female in the building was asked if they had lost any.

I had a very pleasant evening with a certain friend last Sunday.

I now have my train ticket for my journey home from the trade show next weekend (paid for by the Company).

this is a snippet of a conversation last night............
i know silly its me being happy and stupid
happy and stupid?
at the moment feel very happy cause i am talking to u
aww that's lovely kiss
but would like to try anything that makes u happy

I was invited to join a new social group set up by my friend Fire Byrd. (if you would like to have a look and maybe join then please go here)

There was something bad this week

I received my annual rent review. As from March my rent is being increased by 7% .......as if it wasn't already a struggle!!

That just leaves the ugly

Today I saw a Jaguar drive into the office car park. Now in itself that would be a good thing, I am sure that by now you are aware that I have an obsession with these beautiful cars. But this was just criminal...........this jag was being used as a taxi cab and as such had the taxi cab telephone number and name plastered along the sides and along the top of the windscreen. How could anyone do such a thing to one of these beautiful cars?

not an old boiler

2010-01-23T22:42:00.004Z

I have just had a good week

Not an exceptional week but a fairly decent one. On Tuesday I had a call from Spark he was placing an order but will only speak to me so instead of calling the office he calls my mobile. Not that I mind much. Because of the nature of his business he tends to collect his orders rather than have them delivered. But this time it was going to be difficult so he asked if I would be able to meet him to deliver his goods. As our journeys home from work took us in opposite directions along the same road.

So on Tuesday after work I drove over the hill to the Gladstonian where I parked next to spark's car. No sooner was I out of the car than he was kissing me. I broke out of his embrace and suggested we transfer the parcels from my car to his. He asked if we could sit in my car for a bit.
After a little more kissing Spark told me that he has thought about me a lot. He asked if I had been thinking about him and did I ever think we might meet up again.

'no not really..............you are not available and I am worth more than a quick fumble in a car'.

I think that suprised him. Although he did agree with me quite emphatically about being worth more. We talked and kissed for a while before going our seperate ways.

On wednesday late afternoon I found some money that someone had dropped. It was quite a bit of money and I could really do with it at this time. It would be really helpful a I don't get paid until next friday. I was telling Plumber about it later and he said

'I hope you kept it......but knowing you, you did the honest thing and handed it in.'

of course he was right, I did hand it in. Although it was very tempting I know I would be devastated if I had lost that amount of money and it didn't get handed in, besides I believe in Karma. It also felt good to be doing the right thing.

During my chat with Plumber I told him that I was meant to be going out on Saturday evening with a friend but I might have to tell her I couldn't afford it. I told him which pub in the city we were going to. I know that the band he roadie's for play there sometimes. But he told me we should go to their gig at a more local pub (in the village where my friend now lives) on friday. He even said he would give me money for drinks.

Work has been good too.....the volume of work coming in is not high but I have been able to make progress with a few of my projects. There is also a trade show at the Birmingham NEC very soon which my boss will be attending with a trade stand for several days. I shall be there on the Sunday which will be good experience for me and good for my networking. I have a choice now....do I drive there and back on the Sunday knowing that I will have to be in the office working on the Monday. Or get a lift there and train home (2 1/2 hrs drive or 3 1/2 hrs by train).

I was telling Forest about going up to the show, he thought I meant this Sunday, which would put paid to his plan to invite me round for some fun this sunday evening. After clearing up that bit of confusion I said I would consider it and let him know.

Friday evening arrived my friend picked me up and took me back to her place from where we walked to the pub which was already buzzing. A double rum and coke or two later when the band had begun playing I turned around and found one of my neighbours stood behind me. We chatted for a few minutes, our sons are friends. It occurred to me that I might be able to get a lift home with him. However he only stayed for the first set so that was no good. In the end I asked Plumber if he knew anyone who could give me a lift otherwise I would have to order a taxi. Plumber said that he could take me but I would have to wait for him to load up the van drive it to the drummer's house not far away and come back with his car.

His mate who has been over from his new home in a warmer european country (staying with him) offered to wait with me. He was very friendly and told me all about the lifestyle where he now lives. He did say 'so you know plumber then'. I was very vague just saying 'yes we are friends'. Fortunately our transport arrived just then. I climbed in the back and Plumber drove me home. On arrival he walked me to my back door (out of sight of his car) where he kissed me, told me that his mate doesn't know he is seperated. Noticed the state of my garden fence (which we had discussed at the time it came down a few months ago). He also said that he hoped I would be able to go to he party they were having on Saturday night.

I was feeling hungry when I got in so made a pasta snack but used too much water so it was too sloppy but at 1am I wasn't going to make anything else. To my suprise when I turned on my laptop Forest was there saying 'hello drunk' . I had warned him earlier that I was going out drinking. ( he isn't a night owl like me). I am afriad I fell asleep chatting to him. when I woke up half an hour later he had said good night so had Plumber who had also tried to chat to me.

Whilst at my mother's on saturday afternoon ET called to say there was a problem with our boiler, he had put more gas on but couldn't get the boiler to fire up. I went home to sort it out only to discover that it has lost pressure and needs to be re-pressurised. Fine! we followed all te instructions, locate flexible filler loop. That was the problem we couldn't find one. We checked online, I called Plumber and LV for help. Plumber was very good spending ages trying to help me on the phone but wasn't available to come round. He was setting up the gear for the night's gig in a village a little way off. (I told him I wasn't going after all as my friend couldn't get a babysitter). If I couldn't get it sorted he would call round on sunday to fix it for me.

I called LV who also spent ages on the phone trying to find the solution. Between all of us we conclude that the 'flexible filling loop' has been hard fitted, but I couldn't get it to do anything. So here I am on sunday morning feeling cold and unwashed. Waiting for a suitable time to request a visit from Plumber.

Plumber has been and took all of a minute to fix the problem :)

Unsung hero's

2010-01-07T00:31:00.002Z

One thing that impressed me during my hours of snowbound travel was the spirit of the people around me.

At various times people would leave their vehicles in search of news then on returning they would stop and share what news there was with others. When cars were stuck others gave a helping hand with pushing them until they could move without help.

When I reached the village 2.5 hours after leaving work, I got out of my car. The man from the car ahead of me (KFC)was standing around with his large umbrella he offered me shelter from the snow while we both stretched our legs. I had been trying to contact my sons to tell them why I wasn't home, but I couldn't get a signal. He offered me the use of his phone which was on another network.

During another break in our progress he went off to the garage to buy a sandwich. On his return he asked if I needed anything. Later when we were at another junction further on from the garage an elderly gentleman from a couple of cars behind me asked to borrow my mobile (I was using it to listen to local radio and to text my family ). KFC offered him the use of his phone. The elderly man was then able to contact an aquaintance to arrange a bed for the night. He was then assisted to move his car to the side of the road so he could walk off.

The car behind mine had a family including a girl of around 8 or 9 who seemed to be enjoying the adventure and played in the snow a bit. Her father and KFC helped me to find and fit my towing eye. There were people from nearby houses walking along offering hot drinks food and toilets. They also organised somewhere for people to go to if they were not able to go any further. They kept us informed of what was happening further up the hill where a farmer was towing cars with his tractor to the top of the long steep hill.

When it was almost our turn to be towed by the tractor locals gave us a push start to get as far up as we could. While I was being hooked up to the tractor the father from behind tried to give the tractor driver some cash to thank him for his work. But it was refused.

At one point when I was talking to the woman a couple of cars ahead she was very worried about having to walk the last few miles home. KFC lives in the same town, he said he would walk her home before continuing the last few miles himself.

Whilst all this was going on I was listening to the local radio in the hope of hearing anything useful. The entire time the only topic was the snow and the traffic problems. There were lots of tales of people helping motorists. Including a couple who had been not only giving motorist a helping push but hot drinks and toilet stop for some. They even gave a bed to an old lady in her 90's who had got stuck. The wife told how they had lost their son in Afghanistan last year and doing their bit to help in this current crisis had suddenly brought meaning back into her husband's life.

Drivers of 4 x 4's including a family friend were giving care workers lifts to work.

These people made what could have been a miserable experience less painful to endure. It is the way people pull together like this in times of crisis that put the Great back into Britain.

Snow happens

2010-01-06T10:40:00.012Z

Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen here.

Driving to work in the morning I heard on the radio that we were expecting heavy snow by the afternoon rush hour. Yeah right what a laugh ..........we don't get snow here..........even when the surrounding area gets snow it misses this immediate area by the south coast between the Isle of Wight and South downs. On the few occassions that we do get snow it might just cover the ground and be gone again between 12 to 24 hours. (Thats what happened when we had snow a week before christmas).

Heavy snow by the rush hour ............hmmm 4.45 it began to rain .......thats rain not snow not even sleet. Ok so just before we left work at 5 the rain had turned to sleet. Yes sleet but still not snow. Walking out to my car (sorry my mum's car .....I'm using that while shes in hospital), a few lumps of snow were falling. It was my intention to visit my mum at hospital on my way home (but I wouldn't stay long).

Two miles later I knew that this was going to be serious. The snow was laying very quickly, while stuck in very slow moving traffic I phoned mother to say I wouldn't visit. It took me an hour to reach the turn for the road down the hill towards the hospital. I had already seen that each and every turn was blocked with traffic. I could hear on the radio that the motorway was very bad on the stretch between the city and my town. I took the decision (maybe the wrong one) to take the road that goes down the back of the hill rather the south side where the roads off the hill were steeper. (I now know that one of our directors who lies on the south face of the hill skidded into a ditch before walking home.)Within yards of setting off down I was sliding and the brakes were not working. I turned the engine off and steered into a layby at the back of the ship on the hill. there were cars parked along the other side of the road and people milling around, one man asked me if there had been an accident on the top of the hill. I think it was just sheer numbers stuck in the already heavy snow. It had been snowing for about 40 minutes by then. Gradually I made my way down the hill and onto flatter ground where I was able to drive at around 10mph until I joined the queue of traffic trying to get into Wickham.

I had been on the road for 2.5 hours by the time I reached the village. This was when I got out of the car and chatted to the man from the car in front of me. He let me use his phone to call home as I couldn't get through on mine ....................got no answer (obviously too busy playing game on ps3). After several repeats of move a few car lengths then stop for ages we reached the junction beside the garage I had to go use their toilet (damn there was a queue). They must have had their best night ever for food if not fuel. Then it was the slow climb up the hill towards my town.I guess I must have been about a 3rd of the way up the hill when we stopped for what seemed like forever.

There were families from nearby houses out telling people what was happening, offering hot drinks, biscuits etc.....they were organising the community centre for people who needed somewhere to stay. Someone was going along the line of cars that hadn't already been abandoned checking to see if they had a 'towing eye'. I had no idea as it wasn't my car. With the help of the men from the cars around mine we discovered that there was one slotted inside the spare tyre pack. This was fitted to the front of the car. By the time I got a push start up the hill as far as I could go it was 10.30pm. When I ground to a stop about 2/3rds of the way up there were just 3 more cars ahead of me then it was my turn to be hooked up to the tractor with instructions to keep it in 2nd gear and drive normally but if I start catching up with tractor just take foot off excelerator. He pulled me to the top of the hill then told me to stay in high gear with low revs and I should be ok.

I got as far as the edge of town where I reached the steep hill that I just knew I shouldn't even attempt, I could see there were no fresh tyre marks on the hill so pulled over to the side. It didn't matter which route I took I had a steep hill to get to home. I was now stuck in deep snow and couldn't move back or forward. So I had gone as far as I could in the car. It was now time to start the plod home. It was 11pm when I started walking and 11.55 when I walked through the door.

Incredibly I didn't feel cold whilst walking even though I was wearing court shoes with a 1.5" heel and going through snow that was over my ankles. I wasn't even wearing socks just knee high nylons under my thin trousers. It was also extremely light. Walking along the ridge I stopped to take a picture of the motorway below where there was a string of lights from the crawling traffic in both directions as far as could be seen. (you might need to click o the image to see it the lights)

There were places where it was impossible to walk on the pavement as trees were so heavy with snow that they were bowed down in some places to the path below.

This morning after speaking to PB (who left work early yesterday because she was ill) the office is shut ......not that I was going to try getting in. I ventured out to the local garage to get milk and bread......there was no bread!! It had started snowing again so I must have looked like a walking snow woman when I got home. Here are a few photos I took this morning.

I am who I am

2010-01-03T11:57:00.006Z

Relax ....release .....let go!

I read these words on Mel's blog and it reminded me of something that was said to me last summer.

Remember Dylan ? I saw him a few times during the summer. He was a bit of an oddball but he seemed pleasant enough and he liked kissing me, holding hands and cuddling. So because he liked those things I will forgive him for being a total ummm what can I call him ok I will just say a total Dylan.

Anyway Dylan was a qualified counsellor...........um alarm bells should have begun ringing straight away. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a counsellor after all some of my closet friends are also in that line of work.

He had a knack of getting me to open up. He would say something in an email that would open up the flood gates. I would start writing a brief reply and end up pouring out my soul. It was very cleansing for me and he said that he was glad that I had felt able to tell him the things I did. He said that he often seems to have this effect on women. That's good it wasn't just me then.

During our face to face conversations I would be telling anecdotal tales and would mention something about my ex or my illness etc. He told me that I should mentally put my ex into a box tied with ribbon, place it on a river and let it float away. Ok I can see that this could be useful. But I was not about to do this. I can understand that he was trying to help. He wanted me to forget about my past and move on. Yeah I get that really I do. I also get that he saw my ex as my baggage.

I don't know about you other girls and boys who are dating but a lot of people talk about baggage. Either declarations of not having any or not wanting to meet someone with baggage.

Now I figure that some people might perceive me as having a lot of baggage. Personally I don't think I have any baggage.

I have children (young adults really) but they will never be considered baggage by me, why should any child/young adult be given such a label?

I have a past life .............doh so has everyone unless they just suddenly woke up from a deep coma. If you are the real Sleeping Beauty I apologise for being so dismissive.

I can understand that it could be classed as baggage if events in your past make you bitter. But for me and I would assume most normal people my past is just that 'my past' I don't and won't pretend I don't have a past (even if I prefer not to mention some things). I won't pretend that my life has been easy, that the challenges I have been through didn't exist.

Everything in my past (distant or recent) good or bad, are a part of me. It is the past that has made me the person I am today. The things that happen today or in the near future will shape who I am in years to come. If I hadn't gone through the difficult marriage, cancer, difficult divorce, financial problems, rape or any of the other things that have occurred in my life I would not be the person I am now.

I hope that my past has shaped me into a good, caring, happy individual with a zest for life and a willingness to try many things.

Without the traumas of my past I might possibly be a very shy withdrawn person who lives through her children but has no life as a person, no personality, no sparkle just a drab lump of being.

If my past is baggage then I celebrate my baggage.

Dylan's final words were that I told him too much...........if he didn't want to know he shouldn't have encouraged me to open up so much, so thoroughly, so painfully. I know I am very open, but I have never told any one person so much as I did in those emails (replies to his probing). There were times when I made a simple comment and his reaction was far too deep. He needs to learn not to analyse everything anyone says so deeply and just accept that some things need to be taken at face value. It was his probing and constant analysing of everything I said that led to my revelations that were too much for him.

At the end of the day I am who I am whether you call it baggage or not.

Just how New Years Day should be

2010-01-01T18:26:00.003Z

After a late night and no I was not out partying I was at home with one of my sons while the others were all out enjoying themselves.

I slept in, had a very vivid dream about Mr Passionate. In which I had sent him no less than 4 New Year Text messages so of course he just had to come and find me. No it was not a naughty dream ...well ok it was naughty if you count the fact that he is married and in this dream he was surrounded by 3 yes 3 former lovers. but the actual content of the dream was not naughty.

When I finally awoke from my slumbers I figured I should email him to wish him a Happy New Year and hope that all is going well in his life since he moved out of the area. I had purposefully not done so last night, I even half thought I might have deleted him from my contacts during my most recent culling of names I no longer speak to.

This led to some blog writing yes this is my second post on here in two days. I have also written posts on all my other blogs ................get the Dr I must be ill. So much writing in one day, I have not done that in a long time.

By lunch time I had decided that today would be what is known as a pyjama day (for me at least). My sons were going to their father's for dinner or was it lunch (3pm) but first the 3 eldest boys went to visit my mother to help her move furniture around to make life easier for her when she comes home from hospital. She goes in on Monday morning (I have to get her there for 7am) for her latest knee op. DC drove them there and later took them to their dad's so I didn't need to get up as I wasn't going anywhere. Once I had finished writing and reading blogs I ran myself a hot soapy bath and managed to relax among the frothy bubbles for 40 minutes.

I am now dressed, even bothered to put on make up and jewellery, my curry is in the oven and I am about to paint my nails which I have not done for months (probably before the summer). No I am still not going anywhere but who says I can't dress up and look my best just to lounge around indoors with my sons who have now returned home.

Bliss ...............music playing on the radio and a glass of spiced rum and coke at the ready.

And Now its New Year already

2009-12-31T12:43:00.006Z

Its New Years Eve again ................how did I get here so soon?
I have been off work for a whole week......a whole week I can't believe it. All those plans I had for writing and walking, going into the office for a few hours to get work prepared for the new year. where has the time for all that gone?

Boxing Day I had a few hours of solitude while the offspring were with their other parent. Ideal time to write. I cleared the kitchen did some laundry tried to get some inspiration, resorted to reading my new book of humourous quotes. Nothing! I was just getting my second mince pie of the season when the phone rang......can you pick us up now please.

The rest of the week has been no better. If I wasn't giving ET a lift into work or shopping (yes I have visited asda and sainsburys) I was paying money into the bank (not only mine). Oh I did get myself some new shoes in the M & S sales. Surely you didn't think I would get through the week without some new shoes ..............purple ones to go with all my purple tops. I do like to be colour co-ordinated didn't you know. I have visited my mother several times and done a few errands for her. Including taking her to hospital for her pre op blood test.

Mother did tell me yesterday as I drove her home in her car........you are a good girl doing all this for me. ha ha I do try to be good when I can (I'm not naughty all the time).....I have accepted that I have reached that time in my life when I am still running around after my children but now also my parent (I only have one left). Nobody needs to know of the not so good thoughts I sometimes harbour.

I was just chatting to Forest comparing notes about conversations we have needed to have with our respective eldest child during the festive season. I told him that these are the times I hate being a parent. His reply ..........'these are the times they need us to be parents'. You see this is why I adore Forest not just for his body but he is also great to talk to. Even if he has got wharped ideas at times. Earlier I received a missed call (it rang once) from a very strange number obviously not a British phone number so I googled it. To my suprise I got a result..........a female filipino looking for hotel work. Forest predictably suggested hiring her to earn money for me.

It hasn't all been running around after others I did go out for lunch with Plumber on Tuesday. It was nice to spend a few hours together with no pressure of time or anything else just talking eating and drinking. I amost forgot that I had promised to collect ET from work at 5.30 it was 5.20 when I realised and we were sitting in Plumbers car chatting up on Winchester Hill in the growing dark. We quickly drove off to fetch ET (he only had to wait 10 mins or so). A quick kiss before I ran indoors. I had forgotten what it is like to kiss him. We have agreed not to wait so long before we go out again.

I won't pretend any of us received or gave many presents this year but Christmas day was good and we all appreciated what we did get, but I do want to share one gift with you. It is probably the loveliest gift I have ever been given.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminded that I have some wonderful and generous friends too. Which has led me to realise what my New Year resolution must be.

My New Year Resolution is to accept help when it is offered. I did think another resolution might be to actually ask for help but on considering that I realised that to expect that might be asking a little too much.

Here is my favourite photo from Christmas Day. After my mother's first visit to my house in a long time (she can't manage the stairs very easily and our bathroom is upstairs) I took her home we both forgot her basket but our cat Nipper decided to adopt it.

weather and all that

2009-12-23T22:11:00.004Z

It is no exaggeration to say that I have never seen anything like it.

Setting out at 6.45 am I slid gingerly along my garden path onto the public footpath. It only took 2 steps to realise I would be better off walking along the crisp frozen grass crunching along until I had to cross the pavement to grab hold of a neighbours garden fence. When the fence ran out I had no choice but to launch myself across the back ice topped tarmac down onto the road to where my car was parked. Slowly making my way around the car with scraper in hand, working to remove the ice from the windows. Icy rain making everything colder and wetter. Driving very very slowly skidding at the bottom of the road we crawled to the main road.

Carefully we made our way into town observing that pedestrians were without exception using the road rather than the paths. By the time I got ET to work we were a little late but at least we arrived in one piece. I was about to return home when I decided to pull over and phone my friend/neighbour/colleague PB to warn her what the roads were like. This was a bit of a mistake as I then couldn't get my car moving at first. However perseverance helped and with in a few minutes I was on my way again.

Calling into the local petrol station I found the forecourt being guarded by a man in a high visibilty coat standing next to a large sign proclaiming 'seriously severe ice'. He told me that they were open but be very careful. After filling up and completing my business I returned home passing PB as she was just leaving. Turning my car around I saw another neighbour (who I worked with a few years ago) with container of salt in her hand. She told me that she couldn't open her garage, as she couldn't stay on her feet. She had fallen and hurt herself already. Parking up I again managed to skate from my car to the pavement grabbing hold of my neighbour's fence I hauled myself along until I reached the grass (still crunchy even though it had been raining for some time by then). Once I reached my path I launched myself across the great devide that was formerly the pavement now an ice rink. Hanging on to the fence post geting a faceful of frozen wet leaves from the shrub that overhangs my side of the fence. (thank heavens I had cut it back about a month or so ago).

I left the house again at 8.40am for an audiology appointment at a local health centre. This time it was light and I could actually see the ice. There was not only ice on the road and footpaths but on the fences everything. Everything that was exposed to the elements was coated in solid ice. Never in my life have I seen so much ice everywhere. Again I crunched my way along the grass then holding onto the fence. Skating to my car I could see the frozen footprints where I had earlier stood to scrap the ice off which had now frozen again. Our road was still very icy but the traffic had by now churned the ice up to frozen slush. Even on the main road traffic was moving very gingerly. I didn't have far to go to reach the health centre. I noticed that the few people who were either brave or stupid enough to venture out were avoiding the paths still. As I attempted to turn into the health centre car park I saw that the gates were closed with a sign saying 'car park closed dangerous ice'.

On the one hand I could see the sense in that but on the other hand it was stupid. Perhaps there would be people falling over in the car park which like everything else was dangerously slippery. But where better to have a fall than in a place where there are doctors and nurses. Instead patients were forced to park across the road where there is a small parade of shops. I parked my car in one of the few remaining bays slid across the road running along the parade. Up onto the ornamental paving hanging onto the metal railings that surround the beds of shrubs that decorate the area. I made my way to the gap that led to the outer pavement lining the main road. At this point I had no choice but to let go and free slide to the edge and step into the road. Luckily there was still not much traffic (a mere fraction of normal) and those cars on the road were moving slowly. Reaching the opposite side of the road I joined about 4 others who were gingerly picking their way from gate to door of the health centre.

Once inside I was suprised to see an old friend working as a receptionist. I waited for heer to finish a protracted telephone call before greeting her. To my utter amazement she told me that she is now a granny (twice over), I assumed that this was from her daughter from her first marriage but no both her sons have become fathers. Her sons were school friends of DC and OJ. In years past there were often weekends when I had one of her boys sleeping over while she had one of mine. (in fact I had not long collected OJ from there when he fell out the window ripping open his armpit, about 9 or 10 yrs ago).

Anyway she made a note that I had arrived although it took her a while to find my name on the list as she was looking for LiR not my real name of Lady. (ok so that is not my real name but you get the idea). I then sat in the waiting room reading my book. Mother phoned me to tell me not to go out because it loks very icy, I shouldn't go to work (I would normally have been at work almost an hour by this time). I had to cut the call short when I was called in by the 'trainee scientist'. It was my time for my early christmas present. The young lady who didn't look much older than DC explained that she felt I would benefit from a different type of aid from the one originally planned for me.

I was hooked up to a computer via various wires connected to a machine that made noises at me. After an age during which she fiddled with her computer whilst I sat staring (as instructed) at the speaker emitting noises that would not be out of place on an episode of Dr who, she was satisfied that she had set the appropriate levels for me. This device I shall be wearing from here on in is a clever little thing. Not only has it been set reasonably quietly to give me a chance to get used to the new sounds I shall be able to hear but it gradually increases the volume over several months until it reaches the optimum volume. But I can adjust the volume according to various situations and it will remember those changes and make those adjustments itself next time I am in a similar setting. Armed with my new 'open fit' hearing aid, spare batteries, tips, tubes and leaflets I was now free to get off to work.

Although it was gone 9.30 by now it was still extremely icy outside. How I managed to stay on my feet I really don't know as my feet did slip countless times on my various trips to and from my car. Anyhow I made it safely back across the two road to my car and set off to work. Once I got back to the main road I was ok but I did still see others struggling. I made it to work without incident unlike many others according to my radio. This being our last day before we broke up for christmas I prayed we would be let off early today (in the hope the roads would have thawed and not refrozen). We were in luck, stock take completed we finished at 3 pm. Armed with my christmas cards a bottle of spiced rum and two bottles of shiraz I bade my colleagues christmas wishes and departed.

I didn't go home I collected a few items from a local store and called round to see my mother and collect the turkey. I was just leaving mother when OJ text me asking for a lift home from his soccer match at 6.30pm. That was an hour away, first I collected ET from work. While were were driving home there were flashes of lightning in the sky among the dark clouds. It was drizzling but nothing worse, the ice had eventually melted whilst I was at work. However when I was driving home with OJ the drizzle had become heavy rain that turned to hail. By the time we were half way home (its about 2 miles) the road appeared to be covered with snow. The hail was so thick everything was now covered in a blanket of white at least an inch deep. Hours later this carpet of white was still there. Adding to the excitement of our short journey was the sudden crash of thunder accompanying the sky splitting lightning.

This is one day I shall remember for the weather for a long time yet. How was your day?

Difficult decisions

2009-12-13T16:45:00.003Z

A cold reality has been slowly dawning on me and I don't like it not one bit.

I have been struggling with my finances for years and every now and then I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But right now reality is biting hard as it always does at this time of year. It is hard enough struggling for the rest of the year but the lead up to christmas always makes it worse. The realisation that I can't afford to buy any treats for my boys hurts.

Following the recent episode with my bank account I have found that I am several weeks in arrears with my rent. I am also in arrears with my Council Tax and sewerage rates. Every single month is a struggle. Every month I tell myself that next month will be better.
But I have come to the realisation that I simply do not earn enough to cover all my expenses even though I am very careful to keep spending down to a minimum.

I have a choice, I can change my job for one that pays more. That is not going to be easy besides I am one of the lucky few who has a job that I enjoy, working with people I like. Or I can continue with my current job (I have checked and I am earning the average amount for similar work) but take on a second part time job. I get tired easily so that would put an extra strain on me. But it would get me out of the house meeting other people. I could look for bar work a couple of evenings a week but that isn't going to make up the difference of £600pm between my current income and that of a year ago when I was on higher child tax credit and family allowance. Or as a family friend has suggested, a local coach firm are looking for more drivers particularly women. This would give me more money but would the greater number of hours be too much for me.

I have decided to apply for part time work with the coach company for the moment and see what happens.

Back

2009-12-13T00:05:00.005Z

Finally I am back

My laptop has been away for repair for 3 days which ended up being a couple of weeks. It is now almost virus free and after having windows reinstalled it is faster and cleaner. I haven't really missed it too much. I have been using JA's old desk top which doesn't let me do much but at least I could check my emails and go onto facebook to get my fix of bejewelled the game I play a lot.

I have recently got back into reading books, something I have not done much of in the last couple of years. I'm averaging one every week at the moment compared with one a year which is what I had been managing before.

I don't have anything exciting to tell you. There have been no dates to tell you about. No great social events to describe. My life has been a tad monotonous in that I go to work then go home.

I did drive upto Gloucestershire with my mother for a short visit to my grandmother a few weekends ago. She will be 91 on 27th December, although she is getting frail she still lives alone in the home she shared with my grandfather before he died at the start of 1994. When I last saw her in April I found it very difficult as she had problems with remembering names not just people but places and things too. Since then she has been assessed and is now on medication which has helped her a great deal, she doesn't get so confused and can now say names (even if she does get her sister and daughter muddled).

This time next week my boys will be home from Uni after their first term away. DC ran out of money a couple of weeks ago but OJ has managed his money much better. On Thursday he is getting the train home and we are going back to his college for awards night where he will be getting an award for his A level Law. Afterwards he will go back to Uni which finishes on friday then I will go up there to collect him and his belongings on Saturday. I can't believe it has been a whole term already, we have hardly had time to miss them as they have both been home a few times.

A couple of weeks ago I had my last oncology check up and have now been discharged after 8 years. I have also had a couple of audiology appointments and on 23rd December I should receive my new digital hearing aid. This is being tailor made to my specific hearing unlike my old hearing aid which just amplifies everything. The result being that I hear every noise around me clearly but still struggle with voices especially those people with low voices.

Back to battle stations

2009-11-15T19:40:00.003Z

If I knew who to vent my anger at I would give it to them with both barrells. If life wasn't hard enough already.

I have been having that feeling of one step forward two steps back situation again. But I know that in reality it isn't quite that dire its more like 1 step forward 95% of step backwards. So with each step forward there is a small amount of progress even if it isn't as much as I would like.

About 10 days ago I was cleaning up my laptop, I now think maybe a bottle of bleach would have been a safer option but I was trying to be good and treat my laptop with care and attention. Whilst doing this I deleted among other things all my internet history. Good idea I hear you say?

I thought so, got rid of all the crap that had built up. But it also cleared out all my usernames and passwords. Ok not such a bad thing I can easily remedy that. But then I came to log onto my online banking............ah now we have hit a snag..............where the hell is my identity number. Ok that was solved more easily than I thought. Number retrieved, usual login achieved, hmmm there was one payment on there that I was not convinced was mine but I had to rush off to work so would check later.

Later I attempted to login but it wouldn't let me. Thats odd perhaps its something I have done, typed in a wrong digit or something. I tried again but it still didn't work. Next morning same thing. For the rest of the week I was unable to login to my bank, I was also having trouble with my email accounts so perhaps it was my laptop that was the problem. Ok I knew I had enough money to cover any payments that should go out. SF gave me his monthly cash payment so I had money to buy food with. Perhaps if I had tried to use my card before today I would have discovered that it had been blocked. But I didn't try to use it until I tried to buy petrol at a fast track card petrol pump. It declined!! WTF why would it do that? I knew I hadn't made the two largest payment I should have made so the money for those should be in my account still. I drove to cash point (ATM) to check my balance..............where the bloody hell has my money gone?

Once again I have tried to login to my online banking to see whats going on. Still I couldn't login, so I phoned the number given. Why do they have to use these call centres where the staff don't understand me and I don't understand them. I have nothing against the operatives who I am sure work very hard and are quite capable but the language barrier doesn't help it makes me more frustrated! Finally after speaking to two different departments I was transferred back to UK for the Fraud department. After going through all the security questions yet again and answering a few questions about payments I have made it transpires there have been some that I have not made. Consequently my bank card is now cut in half and I have to wait for a new card to arrive in the post. I still can't get onto my bank account to see what payments have been made either legtimately or not. I don't even know if my rent went out on Friday.

I should receive a form to complete and return which will then mean I can get my money back. However I am not overly optimistic. The last time this happened it took a few months. They kept sending me forms that didn't arrive. Then when I did get a form and had it faxed back to them directly from my local branch they didn't receive it. It took many phone calls and written complaints to get my money back. So this time I know what to expect I am prepared to do battle again.

I wish I knew who had done this to me, I would love to have a chance to give them a piece of my mind.

Before when things like this happened to me I would just despair of ever getting through all these struggles. Now I just think it is so unfair that I struggle so hard to get out of debt then something like this happens it makes me angry. I am angry that someone else should put me back into a difficult situation when I have been clawing my way out for so long. How dare anyone do this to me. It is bad enough when my debts are of my own doing (or that of my ex) but some unknown person who knows nothing about me or my circumstances. They know nothing of my struggles, they don't give a damn about me or my children, how bloody dare they do this.

But whatever ..............I know one thing for sure............I won't let them get me down. But if I ever find out who they are they had better watch out!

Desperate for a man ?

2009-11-09T23:18:00.002Z

Following my last post Queen of Gullible the question of whether I am desperate for a man has been raised.

Now I ask you this................why would I be desperate for a man?

I was married for too many years to want to be married again in a hurry.

One of the reasons I divorced him was so that I could make my own decisions without having to always defer to him first. (not a major reason for divorce but a welcome bonus).

Whilst I was still unhappily married I was scornful of women who had to have a man in their life.

Now here I am giving an impression that I must have a man in my life.

I am not one of those women who can only be happy if there is a man in their life.

I am and have since my divorce been happy with myself, my self confidence has grown immensely. After years of emotional and verbal abuse I had to relearn to love myself. Now I am in a place where I do.

I do not need anyone male or female to make me happy I do that myself. That does not mean that having a man in my life would not add to my happiness, it just isn't the recipe to happiness. I decided several years ago to be happy and I trully believe that we all choose whether to be happy or miserable. I choose to be happy. I do have off days where I am not so happy but they are few and far between.

I take great store in being independent, managing on my own, being able to do everything a man can do. I have always believed that anything a man can do so can a woman. I do love to be feminine but I am also just as happy to get my hands dirty doing practical stuff. (that doesn't mean I am good at it but then not all men are either). A few years ago I said that there are only two things I need a man for.......putting up wallpaper and sex. So how do I manage .......I don't do wallpaper I paint my walls and for sex well that is easy .............I have Forest for that .....my 'occasional indulgence'.

So why would I want a man in my life........well thats obvious isn't it

To put up shelves and curtain poles, to unblock the toilet ...................to cut the hedge........strip wallpaper, all things that I am capable and do, do myself. But it would be nice to have some help with these things.

To share things with, holding hands walking along the beach, going out for meals or to the theatre/cinema. To go on holiday with.

I have struggled financially through out my life both during and since my marriage. It would be nice to have someone to share the burden with. Someone I can treat sometimes, someone to treat me occasionally.

For 20 years I was starved of affection, this has left me craving affection, it is very difficult for a naturally tactile and affectionate person to live in a world without intimacy.

All of these things are reasons I would like to have a man in my life but even without any of these things I am still happy.

I know that having a man in my life will not make me happy.............anyone who knows me knows that I am happy already.........a man in my life will only enrich the life I already have.

My idea of a perfect relationship is one where you live close to each other but not together. I think adjoining houses with a connecting door that you can lock would be great.

Queen of Gullible

2009-11-07T12:50:00.005Z

One reason I have not blogged much recently is that most of my blogging has been about my love life, family and work. I try not to blog about work very much but occasionally I just have to or at least mention it in passing.

I decided a while ago that I was going to try to avoid blogging about my love life (or lack of) as writing about it seems to have an adverse effect. That leaves my family, I think I have blogged so much about DC & OJ going off to Uni and ET 's attempt to join the RAF there is little else to write and they deserve a break as do my readers.

Having just said I was trying to avoid it, I am now going to write about my love life. It could be that every man who ever comes near me, reads my blog and as soon as they are mentioned they cut loose. Now I know this is not the case, besides, very few people read my blog these days. I have even been keeping quiet on Face book. But last week I posted on Face book that I have been invited to the England v Australia Rugby International at Twickenham. (I should be on my way there now). Surely the curse wouldn't be activated by such a simple thing as saying I had been invited. I didn't say who had invited me. But obviously the curse even reaches my face book.

Perhaps you would like a little back ground information here. Why am I suddenly blogging about going to Twickenham when clearly I am not. Who was I going to be going with. What is all this nonsense about a curse. Or perhaps you are just wondering if I have finally lost all my marbles (it has been on the cards for 40+ years).

Why the curse?

Back in the early part of the summer out of the blue I saw Oxo again after 2 years. He told me that he had thought we had a good thing going before, when I went off and left him. (I wanted a proper relationship, he didn't). He agreed to try having a relationship even though he feels he isn't good at relationships. A couple of days later I mentioned him to PB (friend/neighbour/colleague) that I was seeing him again. It must have been less than 30 mins later that I received a text from Oxo saying that he was sorry but he would not be in touch again. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but as shocked as I was, I wasn't upset just bewildered.

Then, there was a new guy in my life fairly quickly after that (I have forgotten what I called him). He tells me that he is a trained councellor, he works with people who are terminally ill. He scolded me about my humour, I thought he was eccentric, but to cut a long story short, after weeks of emails we had a long chat on the phone which resulted in us agreeing to meet for a drink. That mid week drink led to an afternoon/evening the following sunday talking, holding hands and dare I say it, kissing. A few days later an another evening together and promises to go to a party together after my imminent holiday. Before we had met he had got me to open up to him about various issues. The flood gates had opened and I ended up telling him so much more than most people ever know about me. (he said he was honoured that I had told him). I mentioned this promising new man on my blog.

When I returned from my family holiday he didn't go to the party, or answer any of my emails or text messages. Eventually he confessed that he nolonger wanted to see me. He said I had told him too much plus he feels that I have more than my share of health issues!!! He couldn't cope with me being a diabetic, cancer survivor, but the last straw was my headaches (I get fewer now than in previous years). Ok his loss, I was not upset about losing him so soon but it was the way he went about it that got my goat.

But moving on within a week I met Spark, he had not been intended to be a love interest, he was a customer from work. We met for lunch which went too well, he asked to see me again the next evening. After many comments from a colleague at work about the big grin on my face I mentioned to her that I had seen one of our customers. Next day he told me that he didn't want to mess me about, he has a girlfriend and although it may not last he felt guilty about me.

I decided to give dating a break when I got a message out of the blue from a new man from a dating site that I don't set much store by, but have had a profile on for years. The message was different to most.......it was neither a 'hi fancy a chat' or a 'lets have some fun'. Neither of which instill me with much confidence. But this man got my interest, I have to be honest and say that just looking at his photo (which I quite possibly had done several times) I would not have looked any further. I replied by chatting about something on his profile. Soon the messages going back and forth became emails, phone numbers were exchanged (but not used.....that first conversation on the phone is difficult when you both have children who seem to congregate when you want a private conversation). Our emails became a daily ritual. We agreed to meet for a meal 3 weeks down the line. But then we both realised that it would be halloween weekend and he needed to see what his children were doing. (they are younger than mine).The day of our meal was fast approaching and no decision made whether our date would be this coming weekend or the following one (today).

Twickenham

On Friday morning he emailed me. He has tickets for England v Australia @ Twickenham (today) would I like to go with him and have a meal after. Now this is when I wrote my question on Face Book saying that I had been invited should I accept. Of course I did want to go but I had one small reservation in that it would be a very long day to be with someone I had never met, if it turned out that we didn't get on. (thats me trying to be sensible for a change). Before I left work I rushed off a quick reply (I would be out all evening) saying that it sounds good but mentioned my reservation about us not having met. Also would this be as well or instead of our meal the next day. Saturday came and went so did Sunday......nothing. I wrote to him saying that it would have been nice to be told that Saturday was definitely off as I could then ahve made other plans for my evening. It wasn't a nasty email, if anything it was apologetic in case I had missed something and he had already told me. But I have had enough of being treated badly so I was standing up for myself, expressing my right to be treated with respect. Monday and Tuesday came and went, still no word. By wednesday evening I was getting jittery about today. I sent a brief email saying he is obviously busy but could he please tell me what the plan was for today.

It is now Saturday lunch time the match is about to begin and I am still at home not having had a single word from him since he issued the invitation 8 days ago. Now I wonder if it is the curse of having mentioned his invitation even though I didn't mention him. Or is it that he is a jerk just like all the other men who have come and gone in my life. Perhaps he is one of the many 'time wasters' who lurk on dating sites, they like to email and chat but never actually meet. (He wouldn't be the first to make arrangements to meet me but then vanish when the day arrives). During a chat conversation last night I was asked if he is now History. As much as I know you want me to say yes, I can't.

Marles lost?

You see I have done a fair bit of thinking about this. On the face of it, he is just another one who has messed me about and for whatever reason, having reached this far has decided to just cut me off. There is always of course the simple explanation that he has not been near his computer or there is something wrong with it. But I have dismissed that idea for two reasons, he could phone me if that was the case. Plus his business is internet based so he would need his computer for his work......he wouldn't therefore go a whole week without it. So it is obvious isn't it, he has messed me about and now he doesn't want to know.

But maybe it isn't as simple as that, maybe he has a perfectly good explanantion and I will find out what that is when he eventualy gets in touch again. Maybe he is ill, (Swine flu is still rife). I don't know what the explanation is, but I think that if I am patient I will soon find out. You see from what he has told me about himself and his family I don't think he would just stop speaking to me, especially when his last email was to invite me out. Perhaps my email asking for a little respect upset him, I don't think so. It certainly wasn't a spitting my dummy out, type of email and even if it had been, I don't think it would have scared him. From what he has hinted at he has led quite a dare devil life in the past. A few words from me are not going to have him quaking in his boots. Besides I rather think that if he hadn't liked what I had said, he would have told me that, not just gone silent. Unless everything he has told me about himself is a complete and utter lie then I don't think he is the kind of person who would do any of this intentionally. It seem so out of character to me. But then again we all know that I am the queen of gullible.

To blog or not to blog

2009-10-25T01:31:00.005+01:00

I am not sure how much longer I shall continue to blog. In the last year I have seen many of my blogger friends give up blogging. Whilst I am still here I don't blog anything like as much as I have done in the past. Days and sometimes even weeks go by before it even occurs to me to visit blogs. Now that is not how it was, there was a long time when I was visiting blogs several times a day not only to read new posts but to keep up with the comments too.

I think I have changed in the last few years since I began blogging. whether I realised it or not I used blogging as a kind of validation. friends leaving comments meant that people liked reading what I wrote. That made me feel good inside. But now I don't need other people to make me feel good. I feel more confident more worthy without the validation of others. Therefore I write less frequently, which in turn means that less people bother to read my blog and even fewer bother to leave comments. In the past I would have found this hard, but right now I am feeling good about myself and don't need the validation so much.

However I am glad that I have been blogging for the last 3 or is it 4 years as I have made some good friends and I shall stay in touch with those that I can even without a blog. If I don't have your email address and you would like to stay in touch, if I do give up blogging which is by no means certain at this moment in time please feel free to email me at ladyinred62@hotmail.co.uk.

In the last six months I have been feeling closer to my sons than I had been for a long time. We have always had a close bond but now I feel even closer to them even those who are not here. OJ turned 19 on Thursday and returned home on friday, his first trip home by train. I collected him from the station and we joined my mother and friend at a rotary club evening. My boys have been to several rotary quizzes and murder mystery evenings, this one was 'call my bluff'. The panel were brilliant, the food was provided by a local Spanish Restaurant (selection of tapas which I have never tried before). Next weekend I am being taken to a Spanish restaurant (I am wondering if it will be the same one) by a friend of the restauranteur.

I had been feeling on top of the world on Friday until about mid afternoon when a niggly pain in my temple started. For me this meant that although I enjoyed the evening I had difficulty keeping my concentration (especially as I had my back to the stage and had to turn right round). I found myself people watching whilst I half listened to the hilarious (but seriously delivered) definitions of the strangest of words. Being a rotary evening as I would expect the average age of those in attendance were 20 or 30 years my senior. I did notice though how much these people were all enjoying not only the entertainment and each other's company but the food and drink (there are always copious amounts of wine drunk at these events). I noticed that these men and women, mostly retired professionals know how to enjoy life (many are still children at heart giggling and telling jokes). Their lives are so very different from mine, but it made me realise that growing older doesn't mean we have to stop enjoying life. The pace of life might slow down a little but it doesn't have to stop. I hope that I am enjoying life like they do in 20 years time.

All change

2009-10-18T09:33:00.003+01:00

I had a visit yesterday lunch time from Plumber. I can't remember the last time I saw him (I would have to check back on here to find out). In the mean time he has been in Spain twice (hes been back a week since his last trip) so he is looking rather tanned. He also looked rather shocked but pleased when he saw me.

Did I mention that I had my hair cut two weeks ago and after wearing it in a bob for a few years then letting it grow quite long I have gone back to wearing it short. Very few people (family aside) who I see frequently these days have seen me with short hair before. Somewhere further down my sidebar there is a photo of the new me taken by LV the day after it was cut. (we had been out for lunch in the New Forest). Apparently the new style makes me look younger. One of my friends from my pre marriage life commented on my new picture on face book that I look no different than I did more than 2 years ago............well she can't see the grey hair and wrinkles in that small picture.

My relationship with Plumber has changed in recent months. When it started we agreed to having a casual relationship ........we were not committed to each other and could see others. All very well but he was very jealous if he thought I was seeing anyone else not that I ever talked about it. I knew he really likes me but wasn't prepared to give me any kind of commitment so I felt justified in seeing others without making a thing of it. He used to tell me that he had growing feelings for me.............but that was as far as it goes. Our friendship has grown and I know that I only have to ask and he will do anything for me (if he has time). I know he would be happy to continue to see me on a casual basis although not very often these days, but I ahve made it clear to him that I am nolonger happy with a casual relationship. For me it has to be a committed relationship so I am now looking for a long term relationship again not casual. (although I am not really looking very hard at the moment but just enjoying life as it is).

Life at the moment involves being more into family life. With the two older boys gone (although not for long enough for us to get used to it) the three of us who are left have been spending more time together actually sitting in our livingroom for hours at a time instead of all being in different rooms. This week ET suddenly got in the mood to tidy their bedroom (I had been saying that it was such a mess with clothes all over the floor that I wouldn't go in there). This led to more change. JA has moved into the box room (formerly DC's room). Tv, stereo, and other such things have been moved around and both boys are now quite happy to have a room of their own. With a dozen bin liners lined up in the livingroom full of rubbish/old clothes, this led to a trip to the amenity tip yesterday.

On Thursday evening ET was complaining that the light in his room isn't very bright. (with bunkbeds and a cabin bed in the one room it is a very dark room). He has the brightest (energy saving) light bulb I had, I figured that having an uplighter shade probably doesn't help. The light shade in JA' new room is all bent and scorched so I took the shade from ET's room and put it on JA's room. Now I need to get a new shade for ET , I found that the light fitting is so old that the part the bulb goes into is very brittle and burnt as I was screwing it back on bits were breaking off. After putting JA's shade up I discovered that I couldn't replace the bulb as the metal housing for the bayonet was broken on one side. OK no problem I would get new fittings for both at the weekend.

This is where it is useful to have a Plumber for a friend. Late on Friday night/early saturday morning he came online after a gig. We chatted and I mentioned the light fittings.............in a flash he offered to come over and do them for me and supply the fittings too. (sorry couldn't help myself). Hence he came to see me on a Saturday lunchtime. (he also had a long chat with ET about RAF and Forces life in general ............he was a weapons engineer in Army before becoming a PT instructor).

Finally Student Finance have got their act together. Having applied online for student grants back in April, sending off my documents in May, (receiving them back in July) now in October I received two 'Urgent' emails telling me that I need to send more documents, only they didn't say what. It took several phone calls to find out that they wanted my P60 for 2007/8 but I had sent my P60 for 2008/9. ................It is beyond me why they couldn't have said this on the comp slip that accompanied my documents when they were returned. Why did it take from May until October to tell me they needed a different P60 and even then only after several phone calls from me. DC posted the correct P60 on Monday 12th October on Friday 16th I had two letters addressed to the boys for them to sign and return so that the monay they are getting can be paid. I now have to post OJ's to him so he can sign it and post it again before the threatened postal strike on Thursday/friday. I saw DC for half an hour yesterday so he has done his. I only hope that next year it is all done much quicker.

Who ate all the cheese?

2009-10-12T22:40:00.004+01:00

Well it has now been a couple of weeks since our family dynamic changed. Just when the three of us who have been left behind, were beginning to get used to only being three. They returned.

They didn't take turns at coming home ..............no they arrived within minutes of each other. OJ arrived loaded with back pack, wheeled trolley bag and laptop. I barely had time to say hello before I collected DC from the station carrying his one small back pack. I had expected DC to bring home his washing but he didn't. OJ on the other hand brought home not only his laundry to be washed but also some of his crockery to go in the dishwasher. Only my son would do that!!

During the time they have been away we were just starting to get used to having food in the fridge for more than two days. (I'm not saying that either of them eat a lot). The milk lasted all week, we lasted until Thursday before I had to buy more bread. At the time when my sons arrived home we still had more than one carton of orange juice left and 1/3 of the block of cheese that had lasted 2 weeks. The following morning all the juice had gone, only a very small slice of cheese and a small amount of milk remained.

Nobody is owning up but I have my suspicions who ate the cheese.

It was good to see them both and hear how they are getting on in their new lives. It seems that they chat to each other online quite a bit. In fact I only knew that DC was coming home because he told OJ who then told JA (also online).

Here we go again ........or perhaps not

2009-09-30T01:20:00.003+01:00

For a few months I had a fair few dates, mostly with Plumber (hes currently out of the country for the second time in less than a month). But although I was having these dates most of the time I was behaving myself. I know I have at least one reader who keeps trying to read between the lines, thinking there has been more going on than I was telling. But the truth is that although I had some fun with Plumber and even spent a few nights with him, I have had relatively little sex in the last six months. To be honest there has been very little action for the last two years since I had my bust up with Forest. In fact since then I could count my sexual encounters on one hand. Until six months ago that is, but even in the last six months I have only made love 4 times (once with Thomas who will always hold a special place in my heart) and 3 times with Forest.

Forest is the reason that this blog has the address it does, I originally dedicated this blog to him. I adored him, I gave him my heart. But he didn't want it, I was very hurt, but I dusted myself off and got on with life. I vowed that I would never see him again, we did manage to pick up the pieces of our friendship. The subject of sex was avoided for a long time. Even when it did become a topic of discussion, it was only general, never sex between us. Then came the day when that changed, it was just talk, nothing more.

That was until about six months ago when we began discussing the possibilities of being friends with benefits. Sufficient time had elapsed for my broken heart to be mended, I was able to be dispassionate about it. We tried it once and it was good, very good. We both know how to give each other pleasure and this time I was able to stop my heart from being involved. I think that knowing there is no emotional involvement helped. I am a great believer that sex is better when love is involved, but in this case we like and care about each other and that seems to be enough to enable us to have great sex.

But he has gone and spoilt that. I have been getting random kisses from him by text. Over the weekend we chatted online (twice........very rare to hear from him at all at weekends). I told him about meeting Spark who reminded me how it feels to have butterflies. He told me about his date with a lady who gave him butterflies. Which is why I am suprised that he has been thinking about me. Why, if I had met someone new who gave me butterflies I would be thinking about them not my friend. When I said that I doubt he thinks about me very much he replied 'probably more than you realise'.

I really wish he hadn't said that, because now I keep thinking about him. I don't want to be thinking about him too often. I know that if this continues then the feelings I had for him 2 years ago will start to come back. It was humiliating enough before, it would be doubly humiliating to go there again. I do like him, we have some long conversations about all sorts of things including family things. I know he likes me as a friend (as a friend he sometimes has great sex with). But he doesn't want a relationship so I have to guard my heart from falling for him again. He knows that I won't stop being friends with him for any man but if I become involved with someone then I shall be faithful to him. Our friendship will go back to being non sexual. But at the moment he is filling my thoughts and I wish he wouldn't.

Moving on

2009-09-27T23:58:00.004+01:00

It feels as though the whole of the last 14 years have been leading up to this weekend. Since he started school OJ has been destined to go to Uni. DC was not such a certainty but with OJ there was never any question of whether he would go. It was just a question of which one. The last year especially the last 6 months have been getting ready for him going to Uni.

Yesterday was the day, he had booked his moving in slot 1.30 to 3.30pm. we set off at about 11.20am to give us plenty of time. Stopping off at asda near to where I work to pick up a couple of last minute items including some lunch and fill up with petrol. It was just when we were leaving there that OJ realised he had left his phone behind so we went back to get it. (If we had got any further I wouldn't have bothered).

The drive there was fairly uneventful after that.We collected the key and set off to find a place to park near to his residential halls. I didn't think much of it as I was driving up the narrow winding road parking in the warden's spot. No lift at these halls unlike where DC is, luckily it was only one flight of stairs to his room. We unpacked his things before moving my car back to the main car park. It was only when I went to move my car that the realisation hit me that I had to reverse all the way back down this narrow winding road with low walls on either side. Not only that but first I had to negotiate around the estate car that was now parked in the nearest spot to mine at an awkward angle (on a slope that was both vertical and horizontal.........not easy). It must have been painful for any men watching to see my slow progress. I had almost reached the end of the road when the vehicle parked on the side was one obstacle too much for me. I managed to find the only space to turn around using the good old 3 point turn that I have not used for many years.

Having parked in the main car park we walked to the nearby Tesco store which took us about 20 minutes (it will only take him 10 when I''m not with him). I expect my boy will be fine but I do worry about him more than DC. OJ has shared a room with his brothers all his life, now he is on his own, he has more space than ever before. He will find it very quiet (apart from the bell of the nearby cathederal). Today two of his friends from home were moving into nearby halls, so he won't be totally alone.

The view from OJ's new home

Family steps

2009-09-20T21:31:00.003+01:00

It has been a tiring week, a good one but tiring all the same.

Work has continued to be good, I am enjoying my work again just as I used to do.

Preparations for the exodus have been stepped up a gear. (Nagging increased too). DC was quite happy with his idea that he would just load everything into my car as it was, no boxes or bags required!!!!! I had brought some boxes home from work for him to use. I told him that my job was to ensure he had the essentials and be his driver on the day but packing was down to him.

Thursday evening I took him to visit my mum so that he could tell her a bit about his american trip before we went shopping. She presented him with a cheque to keep him going for the first few weeks (student finance is still pending). He insisted that our trip to Asda would be quick as he wanted to visit Charlie. We didn't leave there until 10.15pm and over £100 later with a trolley laden with "essentials" and even some food (cereal, pasta, long life milk etc). He didn't get to see Charlie that night.

On Friday I decided that as two of my boys are over the legal age to drink and I have never bought either of them a drink we would all go out for a drink when I finished work. We drove up onto the hill so that they could see the view over the city as they drank. Would you believe it .....everyone of them had Appletiser!! .....well that was a cheap round for mum. It was interesting though to hear DC and ET giving OJ advice about beer and alcho pop drinks. DC is concerned that OJ will be a wet rag during his Freshers week. Neither of us want him to sit alone in his room while the other students are out enjoying themselves. Later at home DC gave OJ a bottle of beer to try, he wasn't impressed with the taste but did a very good impression of a drunk leaning against the wall. I was struck by how accurate his impression was of how his dad used to be. I had completely forgotten what the staggering had been like. Obviously OJ hadn't forgotten, I was very shocked by this act.

DC and I had agreed that we would leave early on Saturday morning as he didn't have a specific time slot for moving in (unlike OJ), especially as Southampton FC which is just a stones throw from his Halls of residence, were playing at home. However he didn't appear until about 10am and still needed to pack my car. He thought we would need to make two trips but I managed to get it all in. The forecast had been for showers but it was hot and sunny (27 according to my car at one point and 24 for much of the time). Finally he was in his new home with his belongings and I left him at 1.45pm. (during the afternoon I got a series of texts telling me the things he had forgotten but wanted). So that is one son stepping out on his own to begin the next stage in his life. Next week we repeat the process with OJ.

Last weekend ET discovered a function on his mobile phone that allows him to turn his wallpaper into a pedometre. We both have Sony Ericsson phones so he has changed mine too. Each day we have had to compare how many steps each of us has taken during the day. (not so easy for me as most of my clothes are pocket less.) There have been many times I have left my phone on my desk/bed forgetting to carry it with me. Anyway I have made a concerted effort to make sure that each day I reach or exceed the final total of the previous day. Having a job that is desk based doesn't lend itself to a particularly active life. But my determination not to have a bad day has encouraged me to walk more than I would otherwise do (no bad thing). After yesterday with trips to and from my car, a tour of Halls, a trip into town centre with OJ to choose his first pair of glasses, followed by a wander round Asda kept my total for yesterday quite healthy. So today I was trying to figure out how I was going to keep up my record. It occurred to me that I could go for a walk somewhere, but where?

I decided to take the boys on a mystery tour, they wanted to watch the football on tv but came anyway. It was the first time I had been to Winchester Hill in daylight (each time Plumber has taken me there it has been dark). It had been overcast all day but I was convinced it would still be relatively warm. I hadn't banked on the drizzle we were greeted with. Even with the low grey cloud and drizzle we could still see a very long way into the distance towards Southampton. We walked to the iron age fort and back, a good hour plus which gave me not only a healthy total on my pedometre but also a healthy red glow too. I was shattered by the time we arrived back home to the aroma of casserole and baked potatoes almost ready.

During this coming week more steps will be taken by this family, both on our pedometres and as my boys move nearer to their future lives. This time next week OJ will be in his new home and ET will be about to set out on his next adventure.

A question of wind

2009-09-13T11:54:00.006+01:00

I find it incredible in this day and age that this is even an issue.

We all know that our natural sources of power as in fossil fuels are running out. We all know that as humans we need to reduce our carbon footprint if our world is to survive. We should all want to create a better, healthier life for our children and their children and all the other generations to follow.

For centuries we have harnessed water and wind to make life easier. we are used to seeing traditional windmills although these days there are fewer and fewer still in working conditions. I did see a fair few on my holiday in Norfolk.

Now though there are a new kind of windmill .....the Wind turbine there are wind turbine farms, usually situated in remote locations. During the summer there were protests against one such wind farm being set up on the Isle of Wight not far from my home near the Hampshire coast. Local residents on the island were very much against this happening near them. At the same time there were other protests on the island involving a sit in by employees of a company that was about to close which would mean job losses for 600 people on the island. The company produce components for wind turbines. The closure of the company was due to a lack of demand for wind turbines in Northern Europe.

Now maybe I am the only one who can see the irony of this. However the Islanders are not the only people who do not want these great white structures blotting their landscape. As the months have marched slowly by in recent years I have heard of a fair few protests by residents refusing to allow a wind farm to be built near them. Maybe if the Islanders and others like them were not standing in the way of progress, then there would have been no need for the company to close and those 600 people would still have jobs (something to hold onto in this current climate).

Personally I think they should be considering the bigger picture and what these turbines mean to our future as oppossed to what future our children and grandchildren will have without them.

Whilst in Norfolk not only did we see far more of the traditional windmills than we normally see these days but there were also clusters of turbines in remote fields plus others dotted around standing alone. It was quite an unexpected view on our boat trip to see two traditional windmills seemingly next to each other although actually on opposite banks of the broad, then in the distance a solitary turbine appearing to stand between the two older structures.

The place where we were staying has a wind turbine farm just a little way out to sea. Far from being put off by the sight of these majestic towers I found them fascinating. I do not understand what all the protests are about. There are far worse things we can live near such as the electricity pylons that stretch across our countryside buzzing away day and night. If we went back in history to the days when windmills were first constructed we would probably find that they were considered to be unsightly and unwanted. Now we find them quaintly magical. Perhaps in years to come we will forget how ugly some people find the turbines. My son has just returned from his 28 days travelling across US and he tells me that these Wind Farms can be see all over the place.

I would like to say that if such a farm were to be situated near to my home I wouldn't bat an eyelid but somehow I doubt that would be true .......perhaps the novelty would wear thin after a while but I think I would be fascinated by them for quite some time.

If such a wind farm were proposed in your local area would you welcome or reject it. If this has already happened did you protest or welcome the progress for our future?

wooohooo

2009-09-12T11:05:00.003+01:00

The sun is shining and I feel good

I had a lovely evening last night with a friend (ok he did spoil it a bit at the end by telling me he he really wants me always has). He knows I will only ever be his friend, someone he can talk to. He is one of these people who everyone else turns to with their problems, I am the one he can turn to ocassionally when there is nobody else.

I am in a good mood, things with the butterfly man have been put to rest. We can be friends, we both know there is a spark there but it isn't going to be lit. Instead we will work together to do more business, it makes more sense, the more business he gives me the better prices I can give him, both businesses benefit.

DC arrived home from his travels yesterday. He has lots of tales to tell, he says his trip was amazing. After being away for 28 days we will just about get used to him being back when he will be gone again. I can't believe that this time next week I will be taking him to Uni.

All this is good but the icing on the cake has to be the letter I just got from my MP. He enclosed a letter from Rt Hon Stephen Timm MP.

"In this case HMRC failed their responsibilities and LIR has at all times provided the correct information regarding her income and circumstances. She therefore met her responsibilities and I am pleased to say that HMRC have reviewed this case and have written off the overpayments. all her acounts are now balanced with no overpayments. .................They have therefore now repaid the incorrectly recovered amount of ****** . HMRC confirm that no further recoveries are being made from LIR's award."

They have also apologised for sending me both incorrect and confusing information and apologise for any worry and distress their mistakes have caused.

I am so glad that they had made me so angry that I wrote to my MP about this. If I had just accepted that I owed them money and must pay it back, I would still be paying them a lot of money I can't afford to lose. .............................Go me ..................I got something right for once in my life

How can it be right when its wrong?

2009-09-11T00:31:00.002+01:00

He smokes, not heavily (upto about 15 per day) but it is still smoking.

He drinks, but not when hes driving, but he still likes a lot of beer.

He isn't available, he wasn't happy before we met but he is still with someone

So why is it that he is in my head so much, so quickly

Why is it that I never noticed that although I really liked some of the men I have been seeing in the last 9 months, they didn't make me feel butterflies when I thought about them. It is only now that he gives me butterflies that I realise they had been missing.

He writes poetry , has already made up a verse on the spot for me.

He opens doors and pulls out seats

He strokes my arm while I drive, but concerned that he might distract me.

He makes me feel so special

He has put a huge smile on my face.

A good day gets better

2009-09-08T20:53:00.003+01:00

Today has been a good day.

It started out a bit damp, a little drizzle with a promise of more. It didn't bother me as I already knew it was going to be a good day. Or perhaps I should say that I had high hopes for a good day.

By the time I reached the office the clouds had parted and the sun was trying to show itself.

As soon as I walked into the office I knew it was going to be not only a good day but a good week with more to follow. I do feel sorry that she was now facing that awful situation, would now become one of the growing number of unemployed. But for those of us left behind you could almost feel the collective sigh of relief as everyone realised that the desk opposite mine was vacant. The personal objects nolonger there, a presence almost forgotten already. My suspicions of last night confirmed. My last dream before waking had been this but my fear had been that I was wrong.

Eleven months ago she had come to work with me, for the first couple of weeks we thought it would work out well, but it wasn't long before we knew otherwise. I was dumbfounded that even the simplest of things seemed to be beyond her comprehension. But it was thought that with time she would eventually get to grips with what she was doing. But six months on I was cringing at some of the things I would hear her telling our customers on the phone. Her moods were incredible, she has so many chips on her shoulder it was unbelievable, but occassionally she would snap out of them and become friendly for a few days. Our work load has deminished in recent months leaving her sitting twiddling her thumbs or surfing the net. Whilst I had enough initiative to keep myself busy working on projects to improve customer accounts.

Now I won't have as much time to work on my own projects but those of us left behind can cope with the work load as it is. In a much improved cheerful atmosphere (I also get to have my lunch earlier).

Talking of lunch................ whilst my computer was warming up I sent a text naming a pub and the time frame I could be there. Minutes later my phone rang unexpectedly, the venue and time quickly agreed. For the rest of the morning I happily got stuck into my work, cheerily greeting phone calls from customers in my usual manner. Then at 12.30 I left the building and drove the mile or so to the pub. I had never been there before, neither had I met him before. I had no idea what to expect. I saw his vehicle straight away and parked up next to him in the now hot sunhine. He bought our drinks (both on diet coke) which we took out into the garden to sit in the shade of a cherry tree. We chatted amiably about work and about ourselves. A quick sandwich to keep the hunger pangs at bay. All too soon it was time for me to return to work. As we stood beside my car he kissed me goodbye which took me by suprise, but not as much as the next kiss or the one after that. I liked this but mindful of the time protested that I really should go. He didn't want to stop kissing me. He asked to see me again, I passed him the envelope from my passenger seat.

A couple of text during the afternoon confirmed that we had both enjoyed our lunch. I am hoping that he will find more products in the catalogue I had given him that he could use for his business, I have already increased the lines of products he buys but would just love to get more. Days like today are why I love my job so much, but I did find it difficult to keep my concentration for the rest of the day. Not that I will be letting him know that. He is after all a customer (one who wanted to meet his favourite sales lady, to meet the woman with the lovely voice). .....................this sounds familiar

Time flying by

2009-09-07T22:39:00.009+01:00

It only seems like 5 minutes since I was trooping around checking out Universities with OJ.

Now all of a sudden it is almost time for him to go.

In 12 days DC moves into halls at Southampton (he will have been home from his trip for just one week). 7 days later OJ will be moving into halls at Guildford (he has booked his moving in slot 13.30 - 15.30)

This evening we have had a taste of what life will be like. DC is still away, OJ has gone out with friends and ET has been out since lunch time with his new g/f. All evening JA has been saying hello to me. He has gone to bed early because he is bored. He could have made the most of having the TV, PC and PS3 all to himself but it isn't the same without his brothers to argue over them with.

I can't believe it is already more than a week since we got back from our lovely holiday. Tonight I finished resizing my many photos.

Early morning on the deserted beach
swans at Potter Heigham where we eventually had a boat trip on the Broads.

I heard today that following another visit to see her consultant this morning it has been agreed that my mother will be having another operation on her knee..............I hope that after this one she will at last be able to walk again. The pain and inability to walk much have really aged my mother during the last few years. She is 66 going on 75.

Being a mother is the best and hardest job there is

2009-08-31T11:33:00.004+01:00

I have just returned from one of the best holidays I have had. Sharing a 2 bedroom caravan with my crippled mother and 3 of my 4 teenage sons. The site was very small approx 40 caravans on a tiny plot meant that there was very little room to swing a cat (if we had taken one) either inside or outside the caravan. Our caravan was no more than 70 feet from the beach. (allowing for 2 x 20ft caravans plus space between). Immidiately in front of the front row of caravans there was a low wall seperating the beach from the caravan site. The sand was gloriously soft and felt lovely under foot, there were a few reed covered dunes then more soft sand before a band of pebbles between the soft sand and the water's edge. I spent a lot of time walking, sitting and photographing that beach (Caister on Sea). My sons played games and buried each other many times.

We did a lot of driving around the broads (I did the driving everyone else just watched the ever changing scenery). We planned a trip on a paddle steamer from Hickling, had a scrumptious meal while we waited for our trip, then I got stung by a wasp on the underside of my arm (excruciating pain). In a way it was a good thing that at the last minute two coaches turned up and took all the places on the boat so we couldn't go. It would have meant a further 1.5 hrs before I could get to the anti histamin cream and tablets.

We drove passed the RAF Base ET would be going to for his training (only to find when we returned home that he is now going to a different base). A visit to the zoo involved hiring a wheelchair for me to push my mother around in (a glimps of the future perhaps). We finally managed to get a boat trip on Friday from Potter Heigham luckily it was a covered boat as we were hit by a storm during the ride. (We had been so lucky with the weather until then).

I thoroughly enjoyed everything (apart from the wasp sting) but what really made the holiday so good was just being totally relaxed and enjoying being with my sons (mother too but more especially my boys). It was really good to see them enjoying themselves and enjoying being together (not always on the computer/games console). I had many many cuddles with both ET and JA, not so much OJ (being nearly 19 hes far too grown up to have cuddles with his mummy).

It was very important to me that we had this holiday together. I very much doubt that it will ever happen again. Next year even if I have two of them I doubt I would have all three together again for a holiday. All our lives will have changed in the next 12 months. My one regret about this holiday is that DC was not with us but he has already branched out by going to USA with his friends. We have had sporadic contact with him as they progress from west to east coast (last we heard they were in Denver).

Now we are back home, back to realilty. There was a letter waiting for ET his pre joining course has been brought forward to 28th Sept. He has his train tickets, all he has to do is get a train to London Waterloo, find his way to London Liverpool Street then get a train to Bury St Edmunds. He has a choice of two trains to BSE one arrives at 18.32 the other at 20.50 (transport will collect him and others at 21.00) so he is faced with a choice, wait around for 2.5 hrs or get the later train with the risk his train could be late. Now I have no worries about him getting to or from London on his own it is the bit in the middle that is causing the crisis (mainly my mother in a panic). He has only ever been to London a couple of times and never alone. (mother is convinced he will be mugged). I now have a list of items he will need to have with him for these 4 days. I have just managed to get him some high leg black boots (no steel toe caps) with heel and ankle support from ebay. (hopefully he can get them broken in by the time he goes).

The month of September is looming up in front of me with all these changes and arrangements that need to be organised. I can see that come October I shall be exhausted. Between now and 4th (3rd really) I have to make sure JA has everything he needs for the new school year, I had asked their father to do this for him, he hasn't...........as usual it is left to me. JA already has the biggest feet in the family (I only hope he doesn't keep growing too much). DC who returns from his trip on 11th will no doubt sleep for a couple of days while I try to get him organised for his move into University Halls on 19th. Whilst all this is happening I am trying to organise OJ ready for his move into Halls on 26th follwed by ET's adventure on 28th. (working full time all this time).

I have always believed that I am not the kind of mother who wraps her children in cotton wool. I have always given my children freedom (within reason and safety). I believe that although I have never had any control over my children I have managed to instill good manners and morals into them. I am often praised for how well spoken and behaved bright young men they are. However during this time of preparation it has hit me that I have not done such a great job. During our holiday we encouraged them to cook and clean etc (not out of laziness but for their own preparation to look after themelves). They can all cook (meaning heat up) food. But they cannot do the simplest of tasks without contantly asking how/where/when. Perhaps it is a boy thing they don't seem to be able to work things out or read instructions they have to be told step by step what to do.

I have always seen my boys as bright capable lads, now I see boys who have been molly coddled by their mother for far too long. Where I tried not to nag them too much, they don't seem able to think for themselves. Now I am worried that I have created mummies boys who might not manage without their mother telling them what to do every step of the way. I am not saying that I always do everything for them (I definitely don't) but I have always been there telling them what to do. If not in person then on the phone.

I don't know all the answers I don't always know what they need to do especially now that they are entering worlds that I have never been a part of. The rest of this year is going to be hard for them and for me, while they settle into their new lives and JA and I are left at home wondering why it is so quiet, worrying about our boys. I know they will each manage (they won't have a choice in that). Having two boys leaving the nest within a week of each other will be hard on us. Then if ET gets through his course (I have every confidence he will) then it won't be long before he joins the RAF properly and he will be gone too.

I love all my boys without exception, I couldn't possibly choose a favourite as they are all so different (my favourite is usually the one I am with at the time). I would never want to have not had any of them but I am not sure if I would ever want to go through motherhood again. When we are young we are warned that parenthood is not easy, there are no hard and fast rules but you never really understand just how hard it is being a mother until you have been through all the stages of your child's growing up (and I have been lucky to have an easy time of all my son's teen years).

is it morning already

2009-08-30T10:18:00.005+01:00

I have only been awake for 20 minutes, I can't believe I slept until 10am but I do think I deserved a lie in this morning. I have driven hundreds of miles in the last week, much of it in either slow traffic or on narrow winding country lanes. Although we took 2 cars to Norfolk we only used one during the week and I did 99% of the driving. Mother drove back from petrol station and took herself on a short drive with her camera on Thursday (practice for the long drive home on Saturday).

All week I was waking up between 6 and 6.30am (to glorious blue sky every day except one) yesterday I was busy packing by 6.30 and on my knees cleaning the floor by 8am (the carpet cleaner didn't work so I had to use a small 'soft' hand brush ~ not easy). Having left at 9am we finally arrived home at 3pm. I was hoping to have a sleep for an hour before preparing for a night out with my friends from work.

My car had been unpacked, the mouldy food left in the fridge thrown out and I was preparing to rest when I realised I couldn't find the hand bag I had used all week. I knew it was the last thing I had picked up along with my book (yes I actually read a book ~ first in ages) and keys. I had handed it to one of my sons when I got into the car. Now they all denied having it, I turned out all the remaining bits still in the back of it..............nothing just their rubbish. Eventually ?i found it ............pushed right under the passenger seat.

Time for my rest now while I contemplated what to wear for the party. I had invited Dylan but hadn't had a chance to tell him where or when so I tried calling him, his phone is switched off, switch on laptop and email him. My phone rings but it is my mum, she had passed a car like mine with an Rescue van on the motorway so she was checking that we had got home. (she had wanted to take her time driving home). She was out by our garages so I collected the few things that were in her car.

Now I can rest ..............I was just getting settled when mum rang again. Her foot had seized up as she drove away, she had managed to get herself parked up at our local shops so I had to walk up there and drive her home (keeping her car here over night). By the time I had unloaded her and her luggage, nipped to shops for food, I had one hour to bath, eat and dress ready to go out. It was when I had run the bath while my food was cooking and I was ironing my red skirt that I discovered we had no gas. My bath was freezing cold!!

JA went over the road to get some gas so I could finally have a warm bath, I was just about ready in time phew that took some doing but I hadn't had my sleep. So by the time I got home having had 4 drinks I was somewhat tired. I was nicely merry but not drunk as my boys were saying.......huh what do they know. So I have slept in this morning............now I have to tackle the washing and shopping. But first here are a couple of the many photos I took on our lovely holiday. Boys having fun on the sandy beach just yards from our caravan.

Meercat at Banham zoo

Paddle steamer on the broads at Hinkling

vacation

2009-08-22T08:15:00.001+01:00

off to sunny Norfolk for a week

Perfect 10

2009-08-21T06:17:00.003+01:00

First things first............for those of you not on my face book .............important announcement.
A level result were out yesterday. But before the results were given to the students they were able to go online and find out whether they have got into the University of their choice. 6.50am OJ discovered that both his chosen Universities were offering him a place. So although I was waiting for it I still jumped when my phone buzzed to let me know I had a text.
Applied Maths A,
Further Maths A,
Law A
ICT B (A for his coursework though)
So all the hard work has paid off but now the harder work begins. He has accepted the place at University of Surrey (Guildford). With the results he got he will get an automatic scholarship of £4000 but not until March 2010.
Obviously his mother is extremely proud of her son.

I would have written this pot last night but I was out with Dylan. Sitting outside a bar overlooking a Marina close to the city. I had under estimated how cool it would be near the water so we moved inside the bar to a leather sofa for our second round of drinks. We chatted about all manner of things including this video which he hadn't expected me to know. Before we knew it the bar was empty of other customers (or at least the downstairs bar......there wa still noise emanating from the upper bar). It was 11.30pm already ........where does the time go?

We walked back to my car holding hands, a few kisses and cuddles before I drove away (no need to read between the lines, it was only a kiss and cuddle).

An Item

2009-08-17T20:37:00.006+01:00

I was due to see Echo again on either 6th or 13th August but I wasn't sure if this was what I wanted. I do like him, he is a quiet and gentle man. But I wasn't sure if I wanted the kind of relationship where I would only see him occassionally and could only contact him by email. I decided that this was not a life I wanted so I emailed him to call an end to it. He was very gracious about it.

Last week I had two very different dates with two very different men. Tuesday was fish and chips eaten from the paper in a park half watching a cricket match as we chatted in the evening sun. Romantic? perhap it would have been with a different companion. don't get me wrong Wilf was well mannered, polite but spineless. He hasn't met anyone for years and was far too deferential for my liking. He kept telling me that I was in charge, all decisions were mine.

Next day it was a drink in a local pub with Dylan. We just sat talking for 3 hours until we were thrown out. Standing beside my car he hugged me and gave me a few kisses, nothing passionate but nice all the same. Being hugged by Dylan felt good. Later that night he emailed me saying that I am fabulous. (a few bonus points for that ;-D ). Next day he phoned me and during our chat suggested a walk along the beach on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday lunchtime I set out to meet Dylan at the agreed place 1pm beside the pyramids. But to my horror it was so jammed packed all long the seafront not a single space to park. Having circled the car park a few times I tried to phone Dylan, no answer. So I set off along the seafront away from the city until I found some spaces. Parking up I phoned Dylan again, still no answer, I text him to let him know where I was. Finally at 1.30 he called me he had driven home to pick up his phone!! Eventually just before 2pm we met up and began walking. Stopping briefly to buy drinks the wind whipping my hair around my face. Spotting an unoccupied bench we sat to consume our drinks. We chatted easily as we watched the world go by, both on the beach and far out to sea. Neither of us noticing how much time had passed until we realised it was 5pm already oooopps we both had parking tickets!! With Dylan leading the way I follwed him back towards the city and dinner at Pizza Hut.

Again we had to search for parking places. These found we walked hand in hand to the restaurant. After eating and paying the bill we continued chatting. When sometime later the waiter came over to ask if we were ok I thought he was going to ask us to leave but instead we were offered more drinks on the house. He asked if we were just out for a meal and a chat.

'we just got married'

'really, oh congratulations, really? you just got married, great'

'yes, show him your ring'

I flap my ringless hand in front of him

'we couldn't afford a ring'

'give her a ring from Haribo'

lol

His face had been a picture before he realised it was a joke. By the time we left it was 8.30 and I was getting weary after a long day. I believe we are now officially an item, he has already had heated exchanges with another woman after he let her know he had 'met someone'.

We just got married

2009-08-16T23:23:00.003+01:00

Thats what he told the waiter at Pizza Hut. Poor lad even believed him at first

Early morning start

2009-08-13T13:54:00.003+01:00

It was only 5.15am when he shook me awake. I had insisted that he say goodbye before he went, I wanted to be awake when he left. It isn't that I am worried, I believe they will be safe and have a brilliant time. He will return with lots of tales to tell. It isn't that it would be the first time he has gone away. He has been going away without his mum for the last 10 years, first on tours with his football club then later with his band. But this time it is different, he will be in USA for 28 days just him and 2 mates. Although I have seen photos of them and their names have been mentioned many times over recent years I don't actually know either of them . When he returns he will only be here for a week before hes off again on his next big adventure. This time it will be 3 years of University. I know he will only be about 12 miles away but he won't be living at home, he will be back for visits but I don't expect them to be either frequent or long. So apart from that one week in September I feel that my blue eyed boy has left home. He has suddenly grown up, by Christmas I expect he will have changed a great deal.

Today I am not at work, I was supposed to be having a day out with Plumber, but at 7am this morning he told me that he can't make it. So I have spent my morning tracking the status of DC's flight to San Francisco, they became airborn at 11.44 not bad for an 11.30am flight. I have also been studying their very detailed schedule for the next 28 days. among other places they will be visiting San Francisco, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Grand Canyon, Denver, Hot Springs, Chicago and Niagara Falls finally ending their trip in New York City. He has promised me that they won't do anything silly that will get them into trouble during their trip. This is where they will be staying for the next few nights.

I have had a couple of dates in the last few days which I will tell you about shortly. I was going to write about them now but I have to go out on family errands.

Togetherness

2009-08-09T23:50:00.009+01:00

Saturday afternoon and everyone was at home. None of us had any plans to go out. Bolonese was simmering one of the working hot plates. I am trying to be more active by going for walks, and of course taking my camera phone with me. I need to get some photos of all my boys together, a rare occurrence these days. I don't like posed photos so what better than a family outing.

Duck watching

Waiting for mum to cross the stepping stones

Watching

Tranquil

Sometimes

2009-08-07T23:04:00.004+01:00

Sometimes it feels as though I must have been very wicked in a previous life to have such bad luck in this one.

On Tuesday I had a phone call at work to say that the internet at home wasn't working. Our connection was not even showing on the list of available networks. It had been getting steadily worse for sometime dropping in and out of connection. I had promised that I would call our internet provider on Thursday (I had booked the day off on Thursday). But now I had no choice.

When I got home from work I prepared the evening meal (corned beef hash) before making the call to talktalk. Following the instructions from the operative I reconnected to the internet. So that was another problem solved. Time to finish cooking the dinner, I put a tray of chips in the oven for ET.

Next thing I know ET is telling me we have got a power cut, but the lights were still on. I climbed into the cupboard under the stairs where the fuse box lives along with the gas and electricity meters. The trip switch was down and wouldn't stay up. I phoned LV for advice. We worked out that it was the cooker that had blown the circuit. By switching off the cooker at the wall I was able to switch the rest of the circuit back on. It was lucky that most of the dinner was already cooked. This was one of those moment when I wonder why me? Just how bad was I in a previous life.

On wednesday I was alright as I was going out for dinner with Plumber. I was wracking my brains trying to figure out what my boys could have for their dinner. We decided on some frozen meals that I usually oven cook but that can be done in the microwave. However it turns out that after I had gone out they decided to walk to the local chip shop, stopping on the way to buy a pizza to go with their chips. It wasn't until they returned home that they realised that they couldn't cook the pizza!

During our meal at a newly refurbished and reopened (after a year) pub beside a river in an area renown for its watercress beds, I explained to plumber what had happened with my cooker. I am hoping that it might be a simple inexpensive job that he can do for me, but then I am still waiting for him to fix my shower for me (2 months after he said he would). If I could afford it I would get someone else to do it for me.

The setting for our meal was lovely, the pub is very spacious but each area is very intimate and interesting. The food was delicious although the menu was very limited ie 4 starters and 4 main courses. I would say that this place is well worth a visit if you are in the area. It was the first time I had been there but I gather from friends that it was very popular years ago but it went downhill and had a bad reputation for several years. Hopefully now that it is under new management it will become popular again.

Thursday morning I was woken by a tremendous crash of thunder and heavy rain so that was the end of my hopes for a warm sunny day off. I had a headache all morning which tablets didn't touch. In the afternoon I went shopping for microwavable food then called round to see my mother. By then it was raining steadily with no sign of letting up, but at least my headache was easing. Mother was excited because she had something for me, a free gift that had arrived with some stationary she had ordered. She opened the parcel and handed me a flat oblong box. Inside this box was stainless steel precision scales, (I had been talking about getting some digital scales) but these are not designed for the purpose I had in mind. There were more for weighing letters and parcels than people. Only my mother could have made such a mistake bless her.

I ended my day off by driving 34 miles to visit Forest. As always we had a very relaxing time kissing, making love and chatting. We discussed the problems I am having with my cooker and my shower. He suggested that I should switch the cooker on at the wall while the cooker is completely turned off, then one at a time turn each part on to see which parts of the cooker if any worked without tripping the fuse again. He also suggested that the solution to my problems with my shower could be a magnetic descaler on the in pipe. I now know that my oven and one hot plate still work. But since then the microwave has begun sparking and flashing so I wont let anyone use that! Luckily I was chatting to a friend about this and he has very kindly bought me a new microwave oven. It is things like that which remind me I am lucky to have such lovely friends.

me and my camera

2009-08-02T20:00:00.010+01:00

The sun came and went a few times this morning but the rain stayed away. I couldn't just stay in doors the next dry day I shall be at work. This week there is the annual 'Cowes week' I have never really taken a great deal of notice but my brother always tried to be there until a few years ago (he remarried 5 yrs ago so its probably about 7 yrs since he went). Yesterday when I went down to the beach it was almost deserted.....not suprising really with the insistent rain (insisting on getting anyone brave or foolish enough to venture out soaked). But today as I would my way along the country lane skirting the nature reserve I turned the corner to discover that the parking spaces lining the road beside the beach were all filled. There were families with picnics, couples with cameras some with tripods and zoom lenses, others were armed with binoclars.

Passing the sailing club with its full car park, all the spaces lining the lane a it rose above the beach were also taken. Finally I found a space in the car park at the far end of the village. The one where I have stood to watch the fireworks at the end of cowes week several times in the recent past. The place was packed with dog walkers, families picnicing either on the pebble beach or on the grass between the car park and the beach. I followed the pavement to the end then followed the beach towards the west heading in the direction of the sailing club. Stoping to take a few photographs. Looking out across the water towards Isle of Wight I could see hundreds of yachts with colourful sails but thousands of white sailed yachts and dingies.

After I had walked along the beach and back the sun had reappeared, it was lunch time so I headed off up to my favourite hill for a much needed and very rare burger and cup of tea. More photos with my new camera phone. Here are a few of the photos I took today.

New Direction

2009-08-01T21:36:00.005+01:00

This has been a better week, not great but better. I have been in a better place, knowing that although my case has not yet been resolved, it is going to be looked into. I might yet have to pay back every penny that I have allegedly been over paid. I don't know how anyone can be certain about the final figure. It seems to me that the TCO are incapable of consistently calculating the correct figures. How else could they come up with different figures on two consecutive days using the same information. I have finally received the dispute form that I to complete. I have read the accompanying booklet which explains in detail both their responsibilies and those of u mere mortal who believe they are there to help us afford to work. It is my belief that I have always given the correct information within the reqired time scales. Whenever I have received paperwork that I either didn't agree with or understand I was straight on the phone that same day. Anyway I feel so much better simply because I am not accepting that I have to pay this money. In the meantime I have increased my personal loan to give me soe breathing space. I got confirmation on Thursday that the loan has gone through.

The new old romance with Oxo that started up again so suddenly, ended just as quickly. Less than 72 hrs in total. I was pissed off at the way it ended but not overly bothered. On the evening of the day that that particular relationship ended I was already due to go out with some of the girls from work. A chat with forest involved a request to visit him after my evening out. 7.30pm I set off with PB on the short walk to our local Tandoori restaurant. I was wearing jeans and my Purple top with black beads on the shoulders. I decided to wear my black beaded shoes (a favourite pair that I have worn many times). But day in and day out for months I have worn open sandals, wearing y shoes with bare feet was a mistake. By the time we joined our friends (6 of us in all) my heels were blistered. We had a lovely evening, but by 9.45 we were all ready to go home. My feet were very sore so I ended up walking 2/3 of the way home bare foot. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered just how badly injured my heels were. I text Forest to let him know that I wouldn't be visiting him. I told him that my evening had been nice as had been the rum, wine and baileys that I had drunk. He was disapointed but agreed that I should not try to drive.

When my colleagues saw my poor cut heels I soon gained a new nickname........scabby cow (ok it was me who said it first).

I am not entirely sure how my thoughts progressed as I was driving home from work but I know I started off thinking that adult education classes start again in september and I really should do something (even if it mean asking my mother to pay for it for me ..not something I like to do). I could go back to creative writing classes, that would force me to do more writing but isn't exactly very active. I revived my contemplation of whether Belly dancing could be the way for me to go.....perhaps I could try a weekend session. I began thinking about doing something which would get me out of the house and meeting new people. Somewhere along the line I came up with an idea, one that had never occurred to me before. An idea that most of you will find unexpected if not a little odd. But if you knew more about my life growing up in Kent you might be less suprised.

When I got home I went online to find local clubs, there are about 8 within a few miles. I checked out a few of the websites, read about training coures. What each club has to offer, membership fees, club houses. I gathered that the various club houses are open on saturday and sunday lunchtimes and evenings as well as weekday evenings. They all have regular social events. They all encourage people to visit them to find out more. So having done a bit of homework I made a choice, I didn't discuss it with anyone, choosing to keep it to myself until I had been there. At lunch time today I parked in the small carpark beside the clubhouse, climbed the stairs to the small bar where I was welcomed by a very friendly bearded man. I told him I had come to have a look at them. That my family are growing up and it is now time for me to find a new interest. He asked me if I had done this before.

Not since I was a child

Not very long ago then

He seemed friendly, there were not too many people there, so I couldn't really get a feel for what they are like but reading through the most recent issue of the club magazine I think it could be good for me. Later I called round to see my mother and after a while I told her about my idea, he thinks I should do it.

I am still thinking about it, I don't know if I will do this, I might have to be extra nice to my mum, not that I am ever anything else.

Watch this space

Being pro active

2009-07-27T23:17:00.004+01:00

I wouldn't want to go through the last week again in a hurry.

Nearly everyday I received at least one new statement from the TCO (tax credit office). Each day the amount of my alleged over payment was mounting. There is absolutely no way that I could both pay my rent and feed my family on the money I was left with. By wednesday I had no cereal, bread or milk left in the house, under £1 in my purse and not enough fuel to get to work and back. I managed to concoct some food for my evening meal but didn't manage to keep it down. I had earlier been thinking about taking a day off on Thursday because I needed a break. But I had decided to have the day off on Friday instead and make it a long weekend. But now that I was poorly I was forced to stay at home on both Thursday and Friday.

I spent a lot of Thursday and Friday in tears. It has been a long time since I was so down. But even though I was feeling so very low, I was determined not to just accept the situation. Letters were written to TCO and my local MP with a further copy being emailed to Tessa Jowell in her role as HM Paymaster General. Time was spent scanning all the statements onto the computer. I applied for and was accepted for a top up on my personal loan (with my monthly repayments increasing by just £7). I felt so much better for being pro active. I don't know if I can over turn or perhaps reduce the alleged over payments but at least I have tried to do something about it.

During this time I have also had some long heart to heart emails with a guy I have been in contact with for a few weeks. The upshot of all this is that he disagrees with all the advice that women have about men. The main thing being that women should just be themselves and not give the impression of being too strong. Strong women scare men away, men like to feel protective. I know he is right, my friend PB and her husband of more than 20 years split for this very reason. He felt he wasn't needed by his strong independent wife.

Talking of men, there has been a very unexpected twist in the tale. Two years ago I was seeing Forest but so infrequently that I was also seeing Oxo. Not long after my bust up with Forest I alo stopped seeing Oxo. It did take some time before he accepted that I wasn't going to be persuaded to see him any more. I had decided by then that I was ready to have a proper relationship. Oxo told me that he would wait for me. I knew he liked me a lot, but he wasn't interested in having a relationship.

On Saturday night I had been reading a message on one of the dating sites when I saw a photo that I recognised. It was Oxo, I sent him a very brief message using the code word we had used . Although he didn't recognise the photo of me with my glasses he knew straight away that it was me. A couple of emails and phone calls later he was telling me that he had thought we had something special before I went off and found myself a romance. He wants me back but I told him that I am only looking for a relationship not just a casual fling. We have agreed to give it a try. I don't know how this will pan out but only time will tell.

Another year under my belt :-)

2009-07-21T21:07:00.004+01:00

Today was my annual check up at the oncology clinic. In September it will be 8years since I was told my cancer had gone.

Today's appointment was a bit of an adventure compared to previous times. A month ago the clinic had moved from the old inner city hospital I was familiar with to the new impoved 'Super Hospital'. I have been to this hospital many times, but in the last few years it has under gone major changes. Many departments have transferred to the new hospital.

I gave myself plenty of extra time to get parked and find my way to the new clinic. The main entrance has moved, which although I was expecting it was still a suprise. Entering the building at the north west corner on level C I found a desk where there were maps and a nice lady giving directions. Along the corridor were people in pink t-shirts emblazoned with 'hospital guide'. I made my way to the far end of the corridor to the lifts going down to level B.

It seems like a strange decision that the oncology clinic shares the waiting room and reception desk with haematology clinic. I had only just opened my book when an older lady sat beside me. She was keen to chat, it seemed we both had the same appointment time with the same Dr. It wasn't long before the two of us and another lady were led away to a sub waiting area. we continued to chat, mostly about her daughter and son in law. They live in Essex not far from where I was born. We talked about places where my grandparents had lived, her daughter has lived in the same area for years. Then she told me about her son in law, he is very like my ex, she couldn't believe the similarities between them. We had quite a good chat before she was called away and I settled to reading my book. Eventually my turn came.

I had quite a good chat with the registrar, probably the most frank discussion I have had with a Dr. She then examined me assisted by the nurse. She agreed that my cervix has been greatly affected by my treatment leaving it both tight and short. Due to my concerns that my efforts to lose weight have not been successful and eating just the smallest amount leaves me feeling bloated I am being given a CT scan, mainly for my peace of mind but also because it hs been 8 years since my last scan. We both agreed that it is probably my body adjusting to my diabetes that is causing the bloated feeling.

I am also being referred back to my consultant (who DJ calls 'god') for a discussion about the possibilities of reconstruction surgery. Unfortunately it has been too long for my mechanical problems to be reversed easily by other methods. I am not sure if I would go as far as surgery for this but I feel I should investigate all avenues if I am to have a successful sexual future. One of the reasons I feel there is little future for me with Plumber.

Whilst the Registrar was completing the scan request form I found that for the first time I could see written in black and white (more than once) the dimensions of the tumour they found 8 1/2 years ago. At the time I was told only that it was the size of an orange (which didn't really tell me much). But now I know that it was 8cm x 7cm x 7cm and extended from my cervix into my womb. No wonder they were concerned that I might later develop cancer of the womb.

Although I go back in 3 months for the scan results today's appointment was good.

Going Pink again

2009-07-19T14:34:00.006+01:00

On Thursday 9th July 2009 I said a sad farewell to my black Razr V3 after 19 months together. I had been having a text conversation with sexy Forest when the battery drained and died. I tried to revive it when I got home but it was having none of it. It had been playing up in recent days telling my that the battery was incompatible. I had been having to take the battery out for an hour or so before reinserting it nd plugging the charger back in.

But on this day nothing was going to bring any life back into it. So sadly I had to accept that it had served me well but was now having a well earned rest. I worked out that my 18 month contract with 02 was about up so I would see if I could get an upgrade. As it turned out my contract had expired so I was entitled to an upgrade. Either that or I could take out a new contract with a different network. I decided to stick with 02, looking at the various handsets on offer that were displayed along the walls I dismissed the Soney Ericcsons and concentrated on the samsungs. I also noticed few Blackberries, I decided that of the phones on display the blackberry pearl took my fancy the most.

The young lad who served me dismissed this idea out of hand saying that I probably wouldn't get on with a touch screen some people do but many don't. Cheeky git!! He suggested a Sony ericcson I told him I wasn't keen but he wanted to show me one that he thought would be jsut right for me as I want to be able to send and receive text, make and receive calls and take photos and listen to music. He brought me a pink C905 cybershot which he informs me is the best camera phone with 8.5megapixels. including smile detection and other wonderful photographic tricks. I put my sim card into the handset to try it out embarrsingly my messages began pouring in, he left me to read them while he sorted something else out. That was lucky as there was a very rude one from Paulo. Anyway to cut a long story short I am now the owner of pink Sony Ericcson. I am still working out how the various features work but I discovered that one of our security staff at work has the same phone so she will help me if I get stuck.

The first photo I took was of my air fresheners in my car, a combination of two of my loves. driving and high heeled shoes. I have two of these as you can see but can't remember where I got them from and never see them now. Does anyone know where I can get any more?

screwed yet again ............in the worst way

2009-07-19T00:29:00.004+01:00

About 10 days or so ago I got a phone call from the Inland Revenue regarding my Tax Credits. They were reassessing my entitlement regarding a letter I had written to them stating exactly when each of my sons finished school started college finished college. The reason I wrote the letter was that there seemed to be some confusion about the dates DC finished college and also the dates OJ started and finished college. It seemed that they had been paying for DC to be at college until he turned 20. He finished college aged 18. But they had only paid for OJ to be at college for 4 months instead of 2 years.

Now that their reassesment has been completed it seems that they overpaid me by several thousands of pounds. (well I can assure everyone that it certainly didn't feel as though I was being over paid!!) I don't remember being flushed with extra money. So the over payments are being clawed back from me by vastly reducing the amount I would be entitled to now. I wrote some time ago that I was now £300+ a month down on what I had been receiving (even then it was a constant juggling act to make ends almost meet). Now they have reduced my money even more so that I am now nearer to £450 per month down. Excuse me but how long does it take to read a letter and get the figures right. I could perhaps understand if I had written the letter a few weeks ago, I might just be able to accept it if they had had my letter for a couple of months but 12 months !!!!! that is just rediculous. If they had acted on my letter 12 months ago then the amount over paid would have been less and they wouldn't have to now reduce the payments I am entitled to by so much.

I am going to write a complaint and perhaps write to my MP too.

On top of that I have 3 sons who are not in eduction 2 of them sat at home all day everyday doing nothing, not earning, eating every bit of food that comes into the house, plus a third who is earning but does nothing to contribute to the home in anyway either practical or money wise. I was discussing this with my mother today. She has concluded that although my sons know we have nothing they still don't realise how poor we really are. They think they are on a par with all their friends. Maybe it is because we don't live in a council house. I have just told ET that we won't be going swimming again unless he gets a job and can pay for it. My fear now is that in 6 weeks my money will be reduced even further because I will nolonger be entitled to any money for OJ, even though it will be October before he goes to University.

Finally this week ET and OJ have got off their backsides and done a few bits around the garden like cutting back the hedge. On Monday they are both heading for the Employment Office in the hope of either getting job or at least signing on for Job Seekers Allowance although I am convinced ET is too young to be entitled to anything

Taking back my love

2009-07-17T18:50:00.002+01:00

Tonight as I began my drive home this track came on my radio. I have liked this song since the first time I heard it. But tonight I paid more attention to the words and made a decision I didn't think I would be able to make (or at least not for a long time).

The more I thought about it the more I knew it was something I had to do, it wouldn't be easy and I expect I shall cry before the night is out. To help me I have started on the bottle of smirnoff I had been saving for some unknown reason.

I have deleted Romeo's emails and his email address. I would have deleted the hundreds of text messages but last week my mobile phone died. I now have a brand new pink Sony Ericcson C905 but have lost most of the phone numbers and all my text messages and photos. Next I have to delete his photos from my computer, that will be the hardest part.

I am taking back my love. I gave him too much of myself and got so very little back. This doesn't mean that I have stopped loving him, it means I have made the decision to close the door. Even if he came back he doesn't deserve my love. I need to put him in the past stop hoping that one day the fairy tale would have a happy ending.

I know I will never be happy with anyone else all the time I was still wanting/loving/pining for him. I need to be able to open up my heart and let someone else in. I would have like to get some closure from him but it has now been 7 months since I last heard from him so that is never going to happen. Next week it would be a year since this happened.

I will never forget how that day felt, or how he made me feel, but it is time to put it behind me.

Sunday morning stroll

2009-07-10T21:46:00.003+01:00

He was staying in the area on saturday night so we met up on sunday morning. He had only said that he would be in 'The Other City' but not where so I chose the woodland park where we would meet and sent him the post code and directions. He text me that he would be there in 10 minutes. That surprised me as it would take me nearer 15 to get there, I was even more surprised when he still hadn't arrived after 10 minutes of waiting. A quick phone call revealed that he was parked in the wrong place further down the road.

I walked to the car park entrance to meet him, I had only been stood there about a minute when I saw his car pull up. We walked hand in hand through the wrought iron, leaf shaped gate, I had not seen that before. There were numerous other walkers mostly with dogs on leads, soon to be released to run around investigating all the smells of various animals and birds that live here.

It turned out that the friend he had visited lived not far from where we were. It was very peaceful in the park this early in the morning. Families with children enjoying the freedom had not yet arrived. We avoided the paths that led down to the ornamental ponds with their fish and ducks all clamouring to be fed. Instead we took one of the paths that eventually wind around the wooded area to emerge with a view of the busy river estuary. It was very quiet, the only sounds other than our own chatter, the rustling of birds in the undergrowth, the occasional crashing of a dog through the bushes off the beaten path as the owner attempts to call them back to the path.

We found a quiet secluded corner where we stopped for a while to kiss, but I couldn't stand like this for too long, the ground beneath my sandals soft after the recent rain. The big difference in height didn't help either but leaning against his strong body did help to steady my balance. We made our way back to our cars where we said goodbye until another day. I drove off first but by the time I reached the junction with the main road he was behind me. We travelled in convoy until he turned off to join the motorway. When I got home only JA had emerged from his bed so the house was still quiet. None of them realised I had even been out.

I have no idea when or even if I will meet up with Wednesday again but we have continued texting. He has been a big support for me with my diabetes as he has had it for 8 years.

Wednesday Echo

2009-07-03T22:49:00.002+01:00

I had a surprise text on Tuesday asking me to meet for a quick drink. Wednesday would be passing my town on his way home from a day working in Bournemouth. Just as I was parking outside the restaurant/bar I got a text asking what I wanted to drink. I walked into the bar whilst he was ordering my drink. Both of us being diabetic and driving we both had large glasses of diet pepsi. I had known even before I arrived that Wednesday wouldn't be able to stay long but we had formed a kind long distance bond over the weeks that we have been chatting. He looks exactly like his picture on MSN although I hadn't expected him to be so tall (almost 6'3"). I didn't notice his strong accent so much in person as I do on the phone. Talking with him was so easy (ok I admit it I just love talking). He told me that I am exactly how he had expected, very down to earth, (well lets face it, at 5'0" I am never very far from the earth.)

He had intended to only stay for half an hour but after an hour of chatting he really did have to leave. Walking out to the car park together we stood beside my car talking (there may have been some kissing too but I can't really remember). After a while I agreed to sit in his car which was in a more secluded part of the car park. There was definitley some kissing now. By the time I left him, insisting that he really should go now, it was an hour and a half after the time he should have left.

I was rather stupid on Thursday. Knowing that I had an exciting few hours ahead of me at the end of my working day I prepared myself by buying a wholemeal sandwich to keep me going until I had my evening meal. (very sensible as I now have to eat regularly). However I was so involved in my work that when I was rushing out of the door it occurred to me that I had actually forgotten to eat my lunch!! let alone my sandwich.

I should have left the office at 4.30 so that I could arrive as soon as possible after 4.45pm. I didn't leave until 4.40 so when I got stuck in traffic (some inconsiderate person had allowed a building at the end of a row of shops to catch fire). There were people milling around and police had blocked off the road outside the shop, I wasn't going that way but vehicles ahead of me had stopped to look!!!

By the time I reached the city I took first one then a second wrong turn in what was now becoming heavy rush hour traffic, with traffic lights on each turning of the busy main road. Finally I arrived at the hotel very hot and very bothered. Echo greeted me with a kiss, poor man must have thought I wasn't coming, he had text and called me, I hadn't answered either and he had been sat in his car in the glaring sun for half an hour waiting patiently.

We had a lovely time kissing and cuddling and getting to know each other better. He is a very gentle man and extremely sweet, it is just a pity that his work commitments mean that the only time we can get together are usually Thursdays but he has to pick up his teenage daughter from her maths tutor mid evening, he has a long drive to get there. I decided to stay in the room after he left. By this time I was beginning to feel ill, I ate my sandwich and made myself some hot tea, ate the battered looking mars bar that I have been carring around for emergencies. Watched a bit of tv and lay on the bed. I must have just drifted off after a brief conversation with Wednesday when I was rudely woken by an alarm going off. I was so disorientated I didn't know if it was a fire alarm or some other alarm. I was running around the room not knowing what to do. I calmed myself down as I couldn't hear other people vacating their rooms. The alarm had stopped and I sat on the bed again and watched a bit more tv until I felt I would be ok to drive home.

Can you believe that on Friday I almost forgot to eat my lunch again!! It was about 2.30 when I realised. I usually have my lunch around 1.30pm

hypnotised?

2009-06-28T13:59:00.005+01:00

Whatever can be done with me?

Tonight I am meant to be meeting Golf (he has promised to look over a financial agreement for me before I make any decision about it).

On Thursday I have a date with Echo, dear sweet echo I fear I might be too wanton for him if he only knew how passionate I can be.

Forest keeps asking me when I will be ready to see him again. I still find him sexy but I am enjoying keeping him dangling this time around. (not that that is the reason I have delayed.....more a case of a lack of energy and petrol).

Plumber I know he wants me ...............he tells me he has growing feelings for me, he calls me his 'sweet one'. But I have not seen him for a couple of weeks, we have only chatted online a couple of times (probably because one or other of us hs fallen asleeep first). But he seems to have forgotten how to use his phone. I am not really bothered except that he has promised me a new shower and I am not one to be pushy I will make do with baths until he has the time.

But even with these men around me I am not happy. Karma is still in the background, he still keeps giving me mixed messages so I don't know if he is just too scared of getting hurt again or he really isn't interested. In all these months I have remained friendly but not pushed him in anyway, but now I have reached a point where I need to know if he is still interested or not. So I text him asking if hes busy next weekend, which he is as hes going away with family. So I text back saying that I just wondered if he had had enough time yet to decide whether he still wanted to see me again or did he need more time, I didn't want him to miss my 'sell by date'. 3.5 hrs later still no reply (first reply was within 20 minutes) so I am guessing I have my answer now.

I also sent an email to Romeo this morning, not that I am expecting anything to come of it but I need closure at least with him. I told him that the logicl side of me realises that its over but a part of me still hopes. I also told him that early on he had said that I shouldn't think hes lost interest when I don't hear from him and until december he always did get in contact just when I was becoming distraught thinking he had gone. I always believed that he would tell me if he didn't want me anymore. I never believed he would just stop contacting me. I don't know the reason that happened. I don't feel distressed at his loss, but I think about him every single day.

Although I have these other men in my life I would rather have a relationship with Karma than any of the others and if Romeo came back into my life I would go to him like a shot (but he would have to do some serious grovelling before I forgave him). I have told him about my new challenge and my problems with testing my blood, I have asked him if he has any wise words or mantras he could offer me. Don't laugh, I have never told you before but he has all the skills of Paul McKenna. (I don't think he ever hypnotised me but he has the ability) but that is only part of his work. I really do miss him every day which probably sounds stupid seeing as I only met him once last July. I know he doesn't deserve me and I deserve better but we don't chose who we fall in love with. If we did I would have chosen someone much more available.

Looking Forward

2009-06-24T14:00:00.002+01:00

I have not been feeling like blogging much in the last couple of weeks. I have had things to say but neither the inclination or energy to write anything. I am afraid I have not been reading other blogs much either and those I have read I haven't been commenting much so I apologise for my bad behaviour.

But I thought I would let you all know I am still here, my world is not totally centered around my health.

Tomorrow night I have an excuse to get all dressed up as I am going to a Rotary Dinner (that will be interesting my first meal out since this started).

Sunday evening I am meeting up with Golf.
Thursday evening I am seeing Echo
Both Plumber and Forest are around but nothing has been arranged with either of them although Forest does seem to be very keen to see me again when I am ready.

OJ has now finished his A'levels and thinks he has the whole summer to laze around before he goes off to Uni in early Oct. (His mother has other ideas).

DC is finally selling his car on Saturday!! He is furiously making arrangements for his month long trip to USA (3 of them are driving from west coast to East). Before he goes off to Uni late September.

ET is still trying to build his muscles and get fitter for his big adventure with the RAF (we still don't know when).

JA is just being a typical 13 yr old but has come into his own in the school cricket team (5 wickets and 54 runs not out yesterday). We are trying to prepare ourselves for the mass evacuation leaving the two of us alone together.

Behaving badly

2009-06-20T19:42:00.003+01:00

If you think you are going to read about my naughty behaviour you will be disappointed although my doctor might say I am.

It is a part of me that is behaving badly, a part I can't live without even if I wish I could.

If you have read the two posts before the last one you will be aware that I have been diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes. I started taking my metformin tablets last Friday evening . I have been trying very hard to be good with my diet. Some evenings I have felt off colour but I put this down to adjusting to the new medication and regime. I have spent far more time looking at food labels than usual. I never really noticed just how much sugar there is in most food we buy (normally I would be concentrating on the fat/calorie content).

I have noticed that I have been getting very sleepy earlier than usual too. Even though I often have a nap when I get home from work.

On Friday I had an appointment with the Diabetic Nurse. She explained everything to me (much of it I knew from being married to a diabetic). She gave me my own personal torture kit. My husband had one so I am familiar with them.

When the time came to take the first test before lunch I got everything out on my desk set the time and date and worked myself up to do the deed. I depressed the needle dispenser.....nothing, I tried a bit harder, still nothing. Pressing it as hard as I could still it would not budge any further. By now I was becoming agitated so I gave up and had my lunch.

In the evening I tried again before my dinner, again I couldn't get it to work. I had my dinner and waited the 2 hours before the next attempt. this time I persauded DC to hel me, he couldn't operate it either at first then realised we were doing it wrong. Now he had figured it out he managed to get the needle to stab me. But although my finger bled it was only a tiny drop, not enough for a reading. Second and third attempts still not enough blood for a reading. I gave up yet again. I understand the importance of taking these tests but I also know how stressed out I was becoming with all these failed attempts.

Ever since I was pregnant with DC I have experienced intermittent problems with giving blood samples. There were times when it took several nurses to obtain a blood sample from me. I have 'sluggish blood'. One thing is for sure I am never likely to bleed to death.

This morning before breakfast I had another attempt at doing it myself. Again very little blood came out, I had failed again! An hour after breakfast I fell asleep again for an hour and a half. It was too late for my next blood test so I waited for my pre lunch test. This time I just couldn't get the needle to work, so another failed attempt. I tried again 2 hours later but this time I just could not force myself to press the button.

Tonight before my dinner I tried one last time on my own before getting any help. I couldn't believe it, this time it actually worked. Not only did I get the needle to work but there was enough blood to get a reading of 5.6 which I believe is just as it should be. Yes it did hurt but not for long so maybe I might just get used to this a little quicker than I had thought providing that my blood behaves.

Just typical!

2009-06-17T21:51:00.002+01:00

I got a text from OJ late in the morning.

'exam was delightful'

only my son would send a text like that after his A'level Maths exam (and mean it)

Adjusting

2009-06-15T23:45:00.006+01:00

I had a very quiet weekend really just letting my body adjust to my new medication.

I discovered on Friday evening that my tablets, as large as they are, are not difficult to swallow. (says the woman who for years had to have soluble tablets as I could not swallow them any other way). I felt no side effects at all on Friday other than I was ravenous all evening.

Saturday was a bit of a non starter because we had no food in the house that didn't involve cooking. It was early afternoon when I met SF in town s he could give me this month's maintenance money. Still only a meagre £100. Last month I asked him to give me the £60 he owed me from the two previous months when he had short paid me. Oh well at least now I know how to get rid of him when he starts pestering me again. (Saturday was the first time I had heard from him for a month). I nipped in to see my mum as she had taken to using that well used line............I've forgotten what you look like.

It was about 5pm by the time I got to Asda after not eating all day (yes I know I mustn't do that especially now). I treated myself to a chicken wrap before going home. I have decided that while I am on just one tablet a day I will take it after my evening meal as that will make any side effects easier to deal with. This time I felt quite off colour for an hour or so after taking it. I had to have a nap before I started feeling more myself.

Sunday was a lazy day at home starting with a bowl of weetabix with skimmed milk. I spent most of the day messing around with photos on my laptop. The boys went to their father's for a roast dinner so I had salad for my lunch. I was feeling fine all day other than the guilt complex for not going on my planned walk. (Karma sent me a message on facebook asking about my diabetes and saying to let him know if I need anything). I did reply that perhaps he could accompany me on some of my walks. I was prepared for feeling off after my dinner of jacket potato and curry but I felt absolutely fine.

Working is going to be my challenge. After my breakfast of 2 weetabix at 6.30am it was too long to last until my salad at 1.30pm with just a few red grapes to snack on during the morning. By the time I took my lunchbreak I was feeling light headed and had a slight cold sweat. After my lunch I had ten minutes to spare so went for a walk around the block in the sunshine. I shall try to do that every day although I am not sure I will have the will power in the rain. With only a few more grapes during the afternoon I had a quick snack of wholemeal bread with marmite when I got home. (I had been trying to avoid bread for a few weeks). It was about 7.15pm by the time I sat down with my jacket potato and salad with a small piece of ham and leek quiche. Again I didn' feel quite myself for a time during the evening.

Now I understand why I am on 1 tablet a day for 4 weeks before having 2 per day after that. My body is adjusting to my medication. It is going to be trial and error for a while. I think I will kep a food diary to help me work out what works for me and what doesn't. I have also been reading the diabetic cookbook that SF left behind when he moved out. I hadn't realised how many scrumptious recipes it contains. Added to this I have been reading up on the internet about the different foods that are good or bad etc.

When the Dr says 'I have bad news'

2009-06-12T13:46:00.004+01:00

This morning I went to see my gp for the results of my recent blood tests.

As soon as I walked in she said ..........I am afraid I have to tell you something that I don't want to tell you.

Tests show that I am Diabetic

sniff sniff sob sob................my life has ended

Not really!!

My Dr didn't want to tell me this bad news but I am taking it in my stride just as I did the news that I had cancer. Maybe I am just odd but these things don't reduce me to a heap of tears. My attitude is ok so this is what I have now lets get on with dealing with it. It isn't something I can just pretend isn't there. It isn't something that will go away if I shut my eyes. It isn't a death sentence. I am trying to think of it as a new opportunity.

Being diagnose diabetic means that I now have a reason why I get tired so easily, I have a reason for all the trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I now have my medication which will help my body to cope with the symptoms that had previously gone untreated. Taking my medication, watching what I eat and increasing my exercise should help me to regain a slimmer figure. Plus it means I get free prescriptions and eye tests.

My Dr although worried about giving me the news is quite positive because as she says I am still young, I don't smoke, I am a 'trivial drinker', my blood pressure is good and I am willing to do what I can to keep this under control. My blood test results were also good apart from the glucose. My Cholesterol level is good (that surprised me) but there was one odd result. My thyroid instead of showing a tendency to be underactive was actually slightly overactive. I have to have another thyroid test in two months.

I have collected my tablets from the pharmacy Metformin hydrochloride 500mg once a day for 4 weeks then twice a day. The instructions say 'swallow whole: do not chew' fine I can manage that except I thought that before I saw how flippin big they are..........monster tablets how big do they think my mouth is? Apparently these will give me the runs so I have been advised to have them after rather than with food. As if I didn't have enough problems in that area.

So anyway instead of thinking of this as being the end of my life as I know it I am taking the attitude that this is the start of a new improved life.

I am feeling quite ok about it at the moment.

Meeting Echo

2009-06-11T21:48:00.004+01:00

Only I could think about eating a salad where the main ingredient is shredded beetroot for my lunch.

Only I could think of eating a salad of shredded beetroot whilst weating a white blouse.

Only I could think of eating a shredded beetroot salad whilst wearing a white blouse when I have a date with a new man straight after work and I have no spare clothes to change into.

Luckily I only dropped one piece of beetroot.

Luckily the blouse has a low cut neckline, the beetroot landed on my cleavage. The purple stain was the size of a pin head and not easily visible.

Luckily Echo did not notice the stain, or if he did he didn't show it.

We had arranged to meet at a pub, not far from my work, at 5pm. He had said that he would be there at 4.45pm. I was to leave work at 4.30pm for a change although I could do so every day. I fixed my make up and changed into my red heels to go with my red suit and white blouse. I arrived at the pub car park and text him that I had arrived. A minute or two later I saw a car drive passed, I recognised the driver from his photo. Once he had arked I got out of my car and was fiddling with the lock when he came up behind me checking that it was me.

Neither of us had been to this pub before, the bar area was dominated by a very large party of drinkers sat in a big group, probably a works do. Echo ordered two 'random' J2O's for us we both got raspberry. I don't think the young barman understood the concept of 'random'. We made our way to a table in the corner, both of us aiming for the same chair.

We chatted easily, which was good because he told me that he had met a few others and found that the conversation was not great. But for us there were no awkward silences, if anything I talked too much. I wasn't the slightest nervous, I felt totally at ease with Echo. Unfortunately echo couldn't stay long as he was scheduled to play a tennis match later. we did manage an hour before he had to go. We walked out to our cars together and he kissed me lightly on the lips before leaving me.

Later I found a long email from him saying how much he had enjoyed meeting me and he had really wanted to kiss me much more but then he wouldn't have been able to tear himself away.

I am hoping that his work (which is not always regular hours) will soon give us the opportunity to meet again, for longer next time.

He made it after all

2009-06-10T13:36:00.002+01:00

After a week of trying to build my boy up. Increasing his food intake (lots of bacon and eggs etc as well as sponge/suet puddings). I even trawled the supermarkets and local chemist for protein shakes. I don't know if he has gained any weight yet. He has been doing lots of muscle building excercises but no running.

Yesterday he got a phone call from the AFCO (Armed Forces Careers Office) telling him that the Doctor who he had seen hadn't realised he is under 18. The minimum weight is less for under 18s so he has passed his medical after all.

He is now waiting for a letter giving him the details of his 3 day pre joining training course which all prospective Gunners have to go through.

He is a smiley boy again unlike JA and OJ who are sad that this means I won't be forking out to buy extra food!

Plumb job

2009-06-07T23:35:00.005+01:00

I have continued t spend more time with Plumber.

I didn't see him on Thursday although we did chat on the phone. On Friday evening he phoned to say he was going out with his mate for the evening but would like to see me later if I wanted a chat or some pleasure. I was just running bubble bath at 10.30pm when he phoned, he would call for me at 11.20pm. Armed with a glass of whiskey and lemonade each we cuddled up on the sofa. Or to be more accurate I was snuggled up to him while his cat made himself comfortable on his lap. It was about 2am by the time we snuggled down to sleep so it was nice not to wake up until 7am. I could easily have gone back to sleep if he hadn't made us both a mug of tea. I don't know how it is that after just a few cuddles the clock leapt forward to 9.15am.

Plumber had promised during the week that he would put my dishwasher in for me on Saturday morning so I figured it was time for us to get the day started. Right on cue Plumber received a text from his mate asking if he was coming over to collect the dishwasher. He took me home then went off to get my new prized possession. He didn't return until about 1pm, at which point he discovered that this was not going to be a five minute job. The space that it was going into was not big enough! That isn't quite accurate, the space was big enough but the inlet pipes for the washing machine were in the way. In the end the whole thing became a major operation. Plumber's mate passing him the required instruments when requested. (Not really, I left him to it and got on with other things in other rooms).

Just after 3pm he left saying he would be back at 5.45pm to take me out (oh and dress warm as its going to be cold and might even rain). He arrived at 6.05pm apologising for being late as he had been to a bbq in Grotspot and got stuck in traffic. A mere 12 minutes later we joined the queue of traffic trying to get into the Marines Base where we watched the final dress rehearsal of the Marines Marching Band preparing for The Trooping of The Colour next weekend. Following this very visual event we headed off to Asda to get my shopping as I hadn't been able to go earlier. He left me at home unpacking my groceries while he went home promising to be back in the morning to finish putting in the Dishwasher, but he wouldn't be too early.

He arrived a little after 10.30am asking if I had just woken up............cheeky git, I was having my breakfast, but had been up for a while. He didn't take long to realise this job was going to be even more work than he had thought when he began yesterday. I left him banging, sawing and cursing while I went online to check what was going on in the blogosphere and Facebook land. Don't worry I didn't abandon him completely, I did make him a cup of tea before he turned the water off. Once I had made sure all was well with all my online friends I continued sorting through some old paperwork that was stacked up on my units in my lounge/diner. As 12.30pm approached Plumber told me that he had to go for lunch with his mother as she hadn't seen him all week. '57 and she still treats me like a child'. He said he would put the water back on for me while he was gone. We soon discovered that he didn't and it wasn't easy to get to the stopcock as the washing machine was now in the way.

We were begining to wonder if he would return when he finally came back just as I was about to text him 'water!'. More banging and sawing took place until finally it was time to slide both the washing machine and the dishwasher into their slots. The maiden run took place at 5.45pm and to my delight everything is working brilliantly. I am only sorry that what was supposed to be a simple job turned into a major plumbing job.

All this has made me realise that no matter how independant I am, I still need a man to look after me and my home.

Surprising friends

2009-06-06T22:37:00.005+01:00

In the last few days I have gained three new friends on Facebook. All three men are real friends in one way or another.

First, I had a surprise friends request from Mr Green. Mr Green has not been mentioned on my blog for a long time. I have not seen him for ages but he is the friend who gave me advice when I had my interview for the job I have now. We are friends who keep in contact erratically. We go out for a drink and a chat infrequently. I wrote a fantasy for him the summer before last.

He has since emailed me to say he doesn't know why he joined Facebook as he prefers normal emails. I really must reply to him before I forget.

Secondly, after an unexpected exchange of text messages this morning I happened to go onto my facebook and found a friend request from Karma. I was very surprised about this for two reasons. I didn't think he would join Facebook especially as he doesn't even use an instant messenger. Again he prefers good old email. The other reason I was surprised was that I am never really sure where I fit into his life. we are friends but I don't know if he wants more , or even if there are other women in his life. I notice that I am one of just four friends the others being his son and daughter and another male. So I am honoured that he has chosen to ask me to be his facebook friend.

Thirdly, Paulo. This was rather odd, he flashed up on my screen as a possible friend. He has an unusual name so I didn't think there would be many others with his name. It also showed that we had a mutual friend (Having my Cake). I text him asking if he had a friend with this name. He replied that he did, I told him she is a friend of mine.

'Is she as sexy as you?'

'Don't you know?'

'I don't have a clue, I saw her ass and added her for fun x'

'We have been online friends for a couple of years and yes she is a yummy mummy'

So I think now I shall have to be very careful what I write on my facebook

Getting cold

2009-06-05T14:05:00.002+01:00

I am worried that I am getting cold!

Earlier in the week I turned down an evening with Forest again. We have chatted but I have been very careful not to give the impression that I am keen to see him. I do want to see him but I am not falling over myself to move mountains to get there. 2 years ago I would have done anything just to spend a few minutes with him.

I have been spending a few evenings with Plumber this week. He provided a dinner of cold chicken and salad on monday evening with cheesecake for dessert (not very nice we donated 3/4 of it to ET's get fat campaign). Followed by tv before an early night of passion. Tuesday evening was bbq in his back garden, tv and an early night falling asleep almost straight away. Wednesday I decided to stay at home with my boys but Plumber had other ideas so I had dinner with him, then home for an early night alone. It has become obvious that he likes me a lot. He even phoned me last night because he hadn't seen me online. Apparently I am his number one.

I have not asked him outright about being married but the evidence of the last few days has been confusing to say the least. One minute I am convince he does still live there then there is proof that he doesn't. Anyway what I was going to say is that I am enjoying the attention and he os good for me but I don't miss him when he is not near. I don't get palpations when I think about him. I like him but there is no spark. Last night he waited until he had spoken to me to see if I was going over to his place before he cooked his dinner. I could have gone over but I chose not to. Instead I stayed home and chatted to Forest without any feelings of guilt.

Urgent help needed

2009-06-02T14:33:00.004+01:00

My boy went for his medical today for the RAF and didn't pass. There is nothing mentally or physically wrong with him. He has never had any major illnesses. He has never had asthma or fits or any such thing. He has never broken a bone indeed he has never had to go into hospital for any reason. I don't remember the last time I had to take him to visit the family Doctor.

So why did he not pass?

Because he doesn't weigh enough!!
He has to put on 1.5kg before he can be accepted.

How does a naturally fit but skinny boy (who eats all the wrong foods) put on weight quickly?

I can't help it

2009-05-31T18:29:00.004+01:00

You all know how much I have been having fun dating lots of different guys in the last few months.

There has been Karma who is still in the background but not coming forward. I still like him but don't think it will come to anything.

There has been Plumber who I have seen a lot of, we have been out for drinks, meals walks around a rainy Chichester, star gazing from hill tops late at night, boat spotting by starlight, we have even spent a few nights together as well as a night at the cinema. Although he tells me that he has growing feelings for me and he has been good for me, I don't predict this will be a long term relationship.

There has been Golf who I have only met once but still chat to regularly, he is not the most fanciable of men but he gets my adrenalin running (and more).

There is Forest who I spent an enjoyable evening with after not seeing him since Aug 07 when we had our bust up because I wanted to stop playing the field and become a one man woman. He didn't want to be that one man. I am fully aware that it is a sexual relationship nothing more but it was still good and at least now I know that I am completely over him on an emotional level. We can be friends with benefits for as long as it suits us both.

There has been Thomas my delightfully sexy, knight. We hadn't thought we would ever see each other again as it had been more than 2 years but our lust for each other has never diminished so when the chance to spend an hour together came up how could we not take it with both hands.

Now there are other potential men on my menu to be tried to see if they suit my palate.

But when it all comes down to where my heart lies I can't deny it I am still in love. I bet you thought you would never see me saying it again but there is one man who won't leave my heart. I might not mention him very much. I might not be agonising over his loss. I might not be distraught at his absence. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about him all the time. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. Maybe he is the reason I am finding it difficult to find someone who lives up to him.

One of the oddest things is that whenever I am chatting to or thinking about Golf in my mindseye it isn't Golf I am picturing but my beloved Romeo.

Every single day I consider sending him a text or an email. I spend a fair amount of time thinking about what I want to say to him.

You see I have learnt that yes I can live without him in my life. I can have a good life without him. I can be happy without him but I still love him and given the chance I would go to him at the drop of a hat. This is perhaps part of the reason there has been little progress with Karma. Karma has been hurt several times, he is afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of hurting him. I am afraid of getting involved with him incase Romeo turns up again. I know that given the choice I would pick Romeo over any other man. I wouldn't want to have it on my conscience that I had been the one to hurt Karma again.

I have not heard from Romeo since December ( a week before Karma came on the scene) but that doesn't stop me wanting him.

I don't want to go

2009-05-30T13:16:00.007+01:00

Tonight Plumber's band are doing a gig at the same place where I saw them last month. He has invited me to go along. He can give me a lift even though he is already taking others. When he asked me last week I said I wasn't sure. This week we hadn't talked much until he phoned me last night from the pub. He was with his Aussie friend who arrived on Thursday, one of his old bands was playing. Apparently there were a lot of old friends there from other bands which he had been part of at some point or another. He reminded me about the gig tonight I said I wont go.

This morning he woke me up with a text telling me he was online. We chatted for a while before he went into town. He again invited me to the gig tonight but I said no. He wanted to know why.
so I told him that I don't want to pretend to be 'an aquaintance'.

He is happy to be seen with me but won't tell anyone who I am. I am sorry but if he can't acknowledge who I am then I don't want to be out with him. If he wants to keep me a secret then don't take me to places where his friends are.

Once his mate leaves on Monday we are supposed to be seeing a lot of each other in the next two weeks. I think this will be make or break time. He will have to come clean about what is going on.

Anyway this week I have begun chatting to some other guys (2 of them who I have chatted to on the phone in my lunch breaks have the same name as Plumber). Whatch this space for more news about Wednesday, Max friday, Captain, The Doc, Echo and last but not least Embassy

Motorbike rider

2009-05-22T21:29:00.003+01:00

'Silver Toyota T reg x'

'Motorbike red'

This was how we were supposed to find each other at our rendevouz. Unbelievably we had never seen each other's vehicles before.

He had text me this morning saying he could drop by at lunchtime. I didn't get a reply when I asked what time. But when I was out helping my mother to buy a new mobile phone (she also treated me to a new strimmer) he text to say that lunch time had come and gone, not much time at weekend so we would have to meet at airport station at either 4.45pm or 8.45am tomorrow.

'It will have to be 4.45 I'm afraid'

So there I was at 4.40pm parked up waiting, he text to say he had got caught on phone but would be there soon.

I settled down to read a bit more of this book while I waited. Before too long a rider on a red motorbike drove passed me then returned but didn't stop just carried on. It must have been at least 5 minutes before my phone rang.

'where are you?'

'in my car'

'but where?'

'where are you? I'm parked at the back of the platform........when you drive into the carpark pass the station and up ahead'

'when I drove in I passed the taxi rank and round the small roundabout'

'I can see the taxis from here.'

'ok I will come find you'

I saw him drive back past the taxis and disappear back into the other part of the car park. I waited a few more minutes then got out of my car to stand leaning against the bonnet as I continued to read my book' I heard his bike but didn't look up from my book until he stopped next to me.

I moved to stand nearer to him, we spoke briefly as he reached inside his jacket pocket, pulled out a case which he opened up to reveal two pairs of glasses. Looking inside I selected the pair with the pink tinged black frames, put them on my face and we said our goodbyes wishing each other a good holiday weekend.

getting the needle

2009-05-21T19:54:00.003+01:00

On Monday morning I had to make a detour on my way to work. I had rung the phone number, written down the details of where to go and when. I checked my map book to find the right road, you see I know the main roads in this place but not the side roads. Driving into the road I found a car park, paid for my ticket and set off in search of my destination. Walking back to the end of the road then finding my way to the high street looking for the Pharmacy. The instructions had said it was behind the pharmacy. Typical, the pharmacy was quite some way down the high street on the corner of another road. I found my destination at the far end of the road where I had parked and what do you know, there was another car park right opposite the entrance.

It was only 7.45am but even so the room was already crowded. I took a number from the modern machine on the wall, took up a position next to the internal door ready to wait. At 8am the first buzzer went, as the numbers on the screen slowly changed and chairs were vacated I managed to find a seat where I sat clutching that important scrap of paper. My ticket was adorned with the number 20 but by the time it was my turn to leave the waiting room the numbers being churned out were in excess of 50.

Walking into the room handing over my form, I confirmed my name, address and date of birth. Sitting in the big black chair with the big sloping arm rests I turned my head away as I chatted to the lady with the needle. I never like to see the point when the needle goes in. When she had withdrawn this evil instrument of torture, applied pressure and a wad of rolled cotton wool, I was again able to give my attention to this woman while she wrote my details on the four narrow phials.

2 days later I phoned my Dr's surgery to arrange an appointment but was told that most of my results were in, but one needed to be retaken. There was of course only one test that it could be, the one that required me to starve for 12 hours again. I need to retake the glucose test.

So tomorrow I have to again face the lady with the needle

answers on a postcard

2009-05-19T22:48:00.005+01:00

Ok just to put you out of your misery, nothing has happened. But as Fire Byrd worked out it is to do with Plumber. From the beginning I have had my suspicions, but he has maintained all along that he is seperated from his wife and living with his mother. He tells me that he still pays the mortgage on the marital home and still keeps all his tools there. He comes and goes when his wife is not there and house/cat sits when she is away. From the start I thought this was odd, but as they say

'theres nowt stranger than folk'

Anyway as the weeks have gone by I have given him plenty of opportunities to admit that he isn't seperated, but he still carries on. Last night we had this conversation. He still hasn't said that he is still with his wife but thats my interpretation. He does know that I have been involved with a married man before so why would he not tell me the truth?

when does this start?

what
your house sitting when you are planning to kidnap me
end of the month after the 30th i hope
so end of next week then
i have an aussie mate staying with me next week so i hope he has gone by the sunday
the one that came over for wedding
yep
i was going to have u stay on the sat nite but he wants to come to the gig on the sat

thats ok
I understand
theres only two seats in your van
so i hope he has gone on the sunday if not i think he will go on the monday
if not it wil be tues
no i can take the car i just have to say u are a friend
as he thinks me and her are still together
I am assuming that most people do
and we have not told many people that we are living apart at the moment
apart from your mum
so we are putting on a front at the moment / yes
so when you have mates round it is at the marital home not your mums
yes it is
sad aint i
so do u want to come to that gig
we are playing this friday but other half will be there unfortunatly
I will see not sure at the moment
so don`t want any friction yet but u are very wellcome to come
i have had the third degree from most of the band saying who was that u were chatting to at the last gig LOL!!!!
Lol
i told them u were my brush sales lady LOL!!!
and you said you were helping me with my plumbing?
no with your drainage problem of squirty parts LOL!!!

So what do you think?

Tell me I am wrong

2009-05-19T14:03:00.003+01:00

I am having serious doubts that there is a single honest man in this country!!

stood up!!

2009-05-17T00:28:00.004+01:00

It was still early evening when he messaged me, but I ignored it for a few minutes, he has picked up that annoying msn virus that keeps sending out messages inviting you to click the link to see sexy pictures or join a great new site. I've told him and Neptune who has the same problem to uninstall msm messenger then install it again neither of them have managed to get rid of it. But luckily I opened the window to make sure instead of just closing it down without checking first as I often do.

We chatted for a while before he asked what I was doing tonight. Deja vue, he was the second man to ask me that within a few hours. I was due to help Harvey with his paperwork problem for an hour or so mid evening. I forget how the conversation went now but it reached a point where I challenged him. Like me he is a night owl, it is not unusual for us to be chatting until 2am so I told him to pick me up at around 11ish and we could go for a coffee and a chat I might even be generous enough to kiss him again. He said that unless he had drunk too much to drive he would pick me up but I must text him to check.

So at around 10.30 I text him just before I jumped into the shower. I had just finished getting dried and dressed when I got a text, but it wasn't from him it was from Karma. A joke which suprised me as it was late for him to be texting (he isn't a night owl). We exchanged a couple more text (he said he had been to twickenham and was shattered.) That was a pity because I was beginning to think I had been stood up, I know he is well known for always being late but it was 11.40 by now and no word. I mentioned to karma that perhas we could have had a coffee as it looks like I have been stood up.

Nothing!!

so that was nothing from either of them.

Even Plumber was giving me the silent treatment after asking me if I had been out...........no I had been busy on another computer thats not online. He then asked me about the music I was listening to then nothing more. Perhaps he doesn't like Lemar.

No more emotional mess

2009-05-15T20:26:00.006+01:00

Last night I saw Forest

It had been over a year and a half since I last saw him. We have become friends again during the intervening months. But I didn't think I could ever risk seeing him again. I was afraid that seeing him would undo all the healing I had done. I was afraid that seeing him would bring back all the old feelings I had had for him.

About a month ago Forest suggested meeting up again. I thought about it for a day or two but didn't give him a decision right away after all he might have just said it on the spur of the moment. I figured that perhas he was just feeling horny and wanted to get his leg over thinking he could get this with me. He assured me that this was not the case at all. I waited for him to ask me again a few days later before I agreed to meet up. Over the next few weeks he was texting me on and off but we didn't make any plans to actually meet until last week when it was decided that it would be either sunday or Tuesday evening. By last Friday the decision was made that I would go to his house on Tuesday evening.

I had just arrived home on Tuesday when Forest text me that his son had decided to spend the evening with him. We agreed to postpone our evening until Thursday besides I was not in the best of spirits as that was the day I was feeling really down. Wednesday I was getting more texts

hugs

cuddles

kisses

Thursday morning he text to make sure I was still ok to see him that night. I was looking forward to seeing him again but not sure how I would feel when I did. When I arrived and he greeted me with a kiss before making me a nice cup of tea then leading me into the livingroom where we sat chatting and kissing oblivious to what was going on on the tv (The Devil wears Prada).

Like me he has put on weight since I last saw him (not that I made any comment) and his hair is a little greyer than before. Other than that it was as though it had been only weeks not months. I felt very relaxed with him. To my delight although I still like him and think he is sexy I didn't feel emotional at all. I was even wondering why I had been so besotted with him before. I am sure that now we have spent one evening together there will be more but this time the

emotional mess is absent.

Much to my amusement Forest said he was suprised that I am not blonde anymore. I have never been blonde! I had been colouring my hair with various shades of red and brown which had faded leaving my hair lighter than my natual colour. You can judge for yourselves if I look blonde in this picture taken just weeks before we fell out.

Proud Mother

2009-05-14T14:10:00.002+01:00

ET had his interview to join RAF today

He passed!!

What a mess

2009-05-13T23:58:00.004+01:00

It has been quite a stressful few days for me. I don't often let life's worries get to me too much but this time it just felt like there is no way I can manage this. Up until now I have believed in my ability to manage but this time the problems felt insurmountable.

First it was the conversation with Plumber. He has had a problem with his vehicle since our canoodling on Friday night. Apparently the evidence that I was highly aroused has been a bit of a problem for him. He declared that he wasn't complaining and I shouldn't worry about it. But although initially I was ok it did start to bother me. That plus the fact that he says I snore softly and my house is not up to his standard (his house is imaculate not a thing out of place). I was beginning to feel depressed.

Add to that receiving my new statement of tax credits for this year. When I applied for my current job I rang the Tax credit office who told me that my increased hours and salary would not affect my Working Tax Credits until April 09, 16 months later I had forgotten that! So now my Credit Award has been reduced. Coinciding with this reduction ET finished his full time Education so I nolonger get Child Tax Credit for him. In addition to these two reductions they have decided that at one point in the past I was over paid so they are now recovering the over payent by reducing my current payments. These three changes mean that I am with immediate effect approximately £350 pm down on my monthly income. Seeing that I was barely managing before I really don't know how I will be able to pay my bills and feed us for the next few months until October when DC and OJ go to Uni.

So is it any wonder that my stress levels were sky high on Tuesday, so much so that I was close to tears for much of the day. I was, as I told my mother 'wallowing' I have to do this occassionally for a couple of days then I pick myself up, dust myself off and get back to normal. Tuesday was not the best day to be wallowing as I had plans to make it a special day (I had been invited to visit someone I have not seen since Aug 07). But first there was my much awaited Drs appointment to discuss such issues as breast reduction options.

My Dr had other ideas. Firstly she advised me that they nolonger provide this service on NHS, it can only be done privately now. She has prescrived me extra strength Ibuprophen for my back pain to allow me to be more active. She is concerned about my recent weight gain even though I have tried to be active and dieting. I am to have blood tests for diabetes. She also wants to work with me on my weight, her concern is not the amount of weight but that it is all in the front (stomach and breasts).

When I had been home a few minutes I got a text apologising but my evening out was cancelled due to unexpected family arriving. (our evening together is now planned for tonight). It was just as well really because although he would have been a tonic for me, I wouldn't have been much company for him. During the early evening I had a conversation with Plumber via IM. I said something about being a lost cause. He then admitted that his feelings for me are growing, I am becoming very special to him. He will do anything he can to help me with anything.

I fell asleep early that night (waking up at midnight thinking I had slept for hours) which I obviously needed. Wednesday saw me almost back to normal. The money worries are still there but I feel better able to cope with things again. At 1pm I got a call from Plumber he was not far from my office so would come to see me at lunch time. We spent an hour sitting in the van he was driving (he does some Agency driving) in Asda car park drinking tea from his flask. So that made a nice change.

In the evening I had a visitor. Harvey had rung me on tuesday wanting my help with something on the computer. I hadn't heard from him for at least 6 months since he moved out of the area. Hes moving back to the area at the weekend. He is back with his ex g/f and wanted me to help him edit his phone bill to remove some calls that she mustn't see. I told him it is a bad idea but he is determined.

Who did they send then?

2009-05-11T14:09:00.004+01:00

Last friday I gave instructions to both ET and DC (he was having a few days off work) to make sure they were awake when the plumber arrived to look at our shower that thinks it is on health plan......a couple of minutes of scalding water followed by freezing water before continuing the cycle again and again.

I got a phone call from the contractor saying he was stuck at wholesalers and would arrive around 12 midday.

Aparrently he was a little early and DC was in the bath when he arrived.

I asked DC what the diagnosis was ( Plumber believes it is the solenoid that is the problem).

'he only stayed a couple of minutes.....he said that he would have to get a plumber to look at it as he didn't know what was wrong'

If he wasn't a plumber who the F *** was he ?

Why would the contractors send some out to assess a problem who had no idea what he was looking at?

can you hear them?

2009-05-09T16:40:00.005+01:00

Did you hear them?

No what?

The sheep!

No I can't hear anything just you

You can't hear the sheep baaaaing?

No nothing

Now?

No!

Cup your ears like this

Nothing

You really can't hear them?

No..................oh hang on I heard something very faint, yes now I can hear them getting clearer

We were stood on the top of the hill looking out to the horison where we could see the lights from Fawley Power Station then further west Southampton. There were other lights dotted around the landscape before us between the fields and trees. We couldn't see much else in the darkness with only the moon to light our way. The clouds fanning out from the moon in a way that reminded me of sun rays. Craning my neck as I tried to make out the star formations between the clouds. He held me to him as he stood behind me arms around my body as we found The Plough, but unable to clearly make out any other formations even though we knew they were there.

Our evening had started out with us driving aimlessly not knowing where we would end up. First we stopped at the pub famous (in the past) for all the shoes you could see on display there. The shoes were removed by the current owner so I only saw 2 on the mantlepiece (one that must have belonged to a very large man). As we chatted and drank our Australian red wine he regaled me with tales from his time in The Army along with stories of sailing trips with friends. When we left he wanted to show me the view from Old Winchester Hill. Of course at that time of night there wasn't much to see but it was still lovely looking out into the empty night with the only sound being our own voices and those of the sheep in a nearby field (when I finally heard them). After a few minutes cuddling in the open air we drove further along the lane so we could see the lights of Portsmouth and further out Isle of Wight. Before turning back and parking up in a secluded corner of a carpark hidden away from the road for some canoodling.

Unlike Cinderella I wasn't home before midnight but not much later as we were both tired.

wet feet

2009-05-05T22:21:00.003+01:00

It has been a busy bank holiday for me. Between clearing the greenery from my garden, that takes me a long long time I have had my hair cut, had a brief unexpected encounter with Karma which was followed a few hours later by 2 hours of text tennis.

I have made several trips to the amenity tip, with many more trips still to go. I was lucky that each visit was timed to perfection in that I didn't have to queue but moments later queues were building.

When my ex husband lived here he was a firm believer or should I say he practiced the religion of 'bodge it and leave it'. One of his bidge its was my litchen floor. The old lino was in poor condition but instead of taking it up and replacing it with a new floor covering of our choice he laid first a rug over the lino, then more cheap thin lino over that. This top layer of lino ripped easily and has been steadily disintegrating.

For sometime now the floor has felt cold under foot. On Saturday JA commented on the floor being wet which it was beside the sink unit. I took this to be a result of enthusiastic washing up. Sunday the floor was still wet. I discovered that there were several patches of wet floor. I mentioned this to Plumber who promised to investigate on Monday evening.

This was enough to get me working hard on nonday to get my litchen looking better than it has for a long time. This included ripping up the top layer of lino. To my horror the now exposed rug was sopping wet so this followed the lino ...........out the door.Now I noticed that everywhere I stepped the now lonely layer of ancient floor covering was wet where my feet had been.

I figured that maybe the washing machine was leaking or the pipes leading to it were. On arrival Plumber checked this out there was no leak there. But when he checked under the sink he discovered the problem. The machine inlet pipes were not properly fitted, they were dripping and probably had been for years. 4/5ths of the floorboards were soaking wet. Plumber using his handy moisture absorbing vacuum sucked up all the surface water, (we had removed the remaining lino). My floor is now drying out, I was lucky that we caught it before it was too late.

Last night I had a long conversation with Plumber about the sorry state of my home. He is going to help me to get everything fixed up but as a bonus he is going to talk to my boys 'you mustn't be there though' to tell them that they must do more to help me instead of expecting me to pick up after them.

I think Plumber is good for me at the moment.

Pros and cons of a bust

2009-05-03T20:36:00.004+01:00

Plumber and all the other men who have been in my life to one degree or another have admired and enjoyed my large bust. They probably don't realise how lucky they are that I have this bust.

I was an early developer, by the time most of my friends were starting to develope I was already a size 36c (I don't know how that equates for anyone outside UK). By the time I was 15 I had to get used to comments from biys and men such as ' you don't get many of then to a lb' 'look at those melons'. I didn't like it and whenever a lad asked me out I always worried that it was my bust he was interested in not me. Perhaps being shy didn't help matters there.

By the time I left school and began working I found that it was difficult to find clothes to fit. I was still slim in those days so finding anything that fitted across my bust was too big on my shoulders. But anything that fitted across my shoulders gaped at my bust. I was also exeriencing shooting pains in the underside of my breasts. I visited my Dr who agreed that my bust was too big for my narrow back to cope with. He talked to me about getting my bust reduced on the NHS, there was a long waiting list for this. He told me that part of the operation would involve removing the niples but replacing them at the end of the operation, but they would not be connected to the milk ducts. He went on to assure me that although I would not be able to breast feed any babies I had I wouldn't anyway because I would suffocate them before they could get any milk. My Dr wanted me to have this operation because he felt that my breasts were far too heavy for my back which meant that without a reduction by the time I was 40 I would be hunched over from the weight.

Several trips to the nearest hospital that specialised in plastic surgery, Queen Victoria(East Grinstead, East Sussex)to be examined and accepted for surgery. I was warned that it could be several years before I reached the top of the list (I was 22 at this point). I just got on with my life as best I could.

I met the father of my children and had DC who I managed to breast feed for 6 weeks (not without difficulty but did it). I could ever manage one handed as I needed to use my fre hand to hold the breast away from the baby's face while he suckled on my nipple. 2 1/2 yrs later OJ came along and I managed to breast feed him too which I did until he was 10 weeks old when being a big baby (10lb 2oz at birth) he needed more than just milk. But although he was now starting to have solids I still expressed milk for him. I had so much milk that I could easily have donated spare milk to the maternity hospital if it had been closer. When I had ET 14 months after OJ I again breast fed him 12 weeks this time with the added problem now that my milk was so profuse that each time I fed him I had to place a jug or a bottle under my other breast because each time he suckled on one nipple the other would begin releasing a stream of milk too.

It was when ET was about 5 weeks old that I received the letter advising me that my operation to reduce my bust would be in one week from the date I had received the letter (it had been doing the rounds of my home town until my brother received it and passed it on). I was now 30 and not in a position to be able to go ahead with the surgery. I declined the chance to have a more normal bosom. I have never done anything more about getting it done.

In my younger days I hated my breasts, they were heavy, uncomfortable and attracted more attention than I liked. I got into the habit of walking around with my arms crossed in an effort to diguise my assets. But as I got older and my marriage broke up, I began dating again I found that I enjoy the attention I get because of them. But I still find that they are a problem when it comes to clothes. Bras are very expensive to buy (when can find my size 44g at one time but only 42DD now). Even when I had lost a lot of weight and was wearing size 14/16 skirts/jeans I was still size 20/22 top because of my bust size.

I find even simple tasks like washing up arduous because standing for more than a few minutes gives me back ache. working in the garden as I have been doing for the last few days takes me a long time because I have to keep stopping for a rest. It isn't lack of energy but back pain that makes even simple chores so difficult for me. It has always been this way for me but it has taken me until today to work out why I find everything so much effort. Perhaps if I had had my bust reduced all those years ago my house and garden would have been much easier for me to manage.

Now I think I shall see my current Dr to see where I stand re having a reduction now. Having said that I still don't know if I would go ahead with it, I have kind of grown attached to my bust now but if it is the reason I find everything so difficult it might be just what I have to do.

the expense and the relief

2009-05-02T09:45:00.003+01:00

I woke up with a splitting headache, 3rd day in a row I had woken up with a headache but this was by far the worst. I was trying to force myself to get up after taking a couple of tablets. It was no good my head didn't want my body to move let alone stand. I knew that it was going to be a quiet day in the office and I just couldn't face the constant moaning from across the desk so I text my colleague to tell him I had a migrain. I am guessing that he must have got my text as nobody phoned to see where I was. I would normally phone in but at 6.22am when I sent the text I didn't want to wait until 7.45 for there to be anyone in the office.

I settled down to sleep, at 6.45 (I later found out) there was a tapping on my hip, JA asking why I was still in bed. 8.55 more tapping OJ asing if I was going to be very late for work! It was nearly 11am before ET tapped my leg........'are you ill?' So much for sleeing it off!!

So I had managed to sleep until about 11am took a couple more pain killers and had a session on face book, nothing that meant concentrating (that would have taken too much effort). I think it was around 12.30 before I staggered downstairs to grab a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal. Back to bed a bit of blogging before tackling what had probably been the cause of my headaches. Paying a few bills etc.

First things first though I had received my Child tax credit renewal pack in the week and now I have my P60 from work I wasn't going to leave it until the last minute this year like I normally do. I phoned them and gave all the relevant details including informing them that ET completed his college course on 17th April. I also enquired why my weekly payments had gone down by £40 pw since start of April 'because ET has finished his Further Education' hang on I only just informed them of that!!

Next was the council tax, I have had a letter telling me that I was late making my April payment and must pay up within 7 days or face a court summonds. I am still playing catch up from 2008 @ £175 pm there is no way I can pay £120 on top of that!! I phoned the council and explained my situation and offered to pay £60 at the same time informing them that I never received notification of my bill for this year so had no idea how much I had to pay or when the payment date was. Apparently its the 1st of the month so now I already owe May as well! As I only have one more payment to make for 2008 I will then be able to start paying more to the council so will have caught up with my payments by the time DC and OJ go off to University at which time my Council tax will go down because I will be the sole adult in the home. No they won't even make a note of that until September. But anyway this time next year I should be in a position to pay my Council tax on time as I should be straight long before the end of this year's scheduled payments. So thats another worry sorted.

Next I made my penultimate payment on last year's Council tax which is a great relief to know that that is almost finished. So now I could turn my attention to the TV licence. when I was on benefits I had gone onto the weekly cash plan. But for ages now I had been trying to change to monthly direct debit. I had tried to do it online bt couldn't because I didn't know when the renewal date was. There is no phone number on the website grrrrrr. A couple of weeks ago I got a reminder that my licence exired 31st March. so I have now set up a monthly DD. One of the things that have annoyed me about they way we have to pay for our licences now is not just the cost but also that they take the money for the current licence in the first 5 months then you start paying for next year's licence. Talk about greedy. Perhaps I should demand to get the programs for next year early!! Why should I have to pay 6 months in advance for their service. Suposing anything (god forbid) happened to me or even (not likely) I moved in with someone else and didn't need my own licence next year will they pay the money back?

Tomorrow I have to cancel my motor insurance with dialdirect who had failed to collect my direct debits for 6 months then demanded it in one lump 3 days before I got paid. Obviously the DD rejected due to lack of funds so now I have bank charges of £8 and interest for the day the money left my account. I was about to ring them to make the payment (which would leave me seriously short of money this month) but I didn't. DC organised a new policy for me through the company he works for he also added himself as named driver. Next week he is going to see about selling his car (that will save him £100 per month) my new policy which he will pay half of is £35pm. So tomorrow I shall pay some of what I owe to Direct dial. It is their fault they didn't take the money each month so they can have it a bit at a time.............they can't cancel my policy as I am going to do that myself.

By this time I was feeling quite good, so after a salad and a bit more rest I had a bath, dressed and went off to a Rock gig. (my head was pounding again after it though). Plumber was soundman/roady for the band. He came over to my table for a chat during each break. Ithought it was funny that he didn't introduce me to the band (he was going to say I was an 'aquaintance') but it must have been obvious from the attention he was giving me and that I had to wait for him while they were clearing up after the gig that I am not just an aquaintance. A friend of his (chippy) was coming to the gig with his g/f and another couple. They sat at my table, we hardly spoke but thats ok. But when I first saw Chipy he looked familiar but I dismissed it until I heard his mate mention his name. So I checked with Plumber what the chippy's full name was. Yes I did know him. I used to hang around with his ex wife for a couple of years when the kids were little. He didn't recognise me but thats not suprising it must be a at least 12 years since he last saw me and in those days I had very long hair and wore shapeless baggy clothes ie joggers and t-shirts/sweatshirts ( thats how SF wanted me to dress). SF hated me being friends with Chippy's wife.

After the gig I followed Plumber home (until I got bored of doing 65mph and over took him) but he had to go and unload the equipment at the Drummer's house. I went home took some pills and had a bite to eat while I waited. It was 1.44am when I got the call that he was outside in his van. So we had a chat and a few kisses before I came back in at 3.3oam OMG it was that late!!

benefits of blogging

2009-04-30T21:12:00.005+01:00

As you know I was out socialising with fellow bloggers last saturday evening. Bloggers who hadn't just nipped down the road for a drink. I think most of you now know that it was Fat Controller and his lovely wife (and subject of his HNT pictures as well as his very well written tales of love within a marriage) Heather. Fat controller and Heather live in her native country but visit the UK from time to time. So last week they were over here having a well earned break in the depths of North Wales before visiting his family via a stop over with Trixie.

Before leaving Trixie they were entrusted with a parcel for me. So you see even if they hadn't really wanted to meet me they had no choice. Trixie had decided that they would make a very good substitute as a carrier firm. As I live en route from Trixie to FC's family it made sense. However I hadn't been apraised of this. It wasn't until we were about to part company that I was told they were holding a package for me. This package (ok so it wasn't wrapped but who cares) turned out to be a book that Trixie had promised to send to me 2 months ago. Trixie herself had come by this book as a gift from Fire Byrd who inturn had received it as a gift from Queen Vixen. I am now half way through this book (started reading sunday morning and couldn't put it down until I was forced to). When Fire Byrd sent this book to Trixie it was with the instructions that she should pass it on to another blogger when she had finished it. So now it is in my possession and I have instructions to pass it on to another blogger when I am done with it. Now let me see who should I send it too next? Let me know if you want it.

Isn't it funny the way blogging connects us in so many ways. I was rather amused when FC mentioned (when we were talking about English food he might miss ........... he can get most things) that he and their son have become addicted to this and its all my fault. I had done a post about them ages ago (I can't even begin to remember where on here). My first thought was that they would be disgusting but DC persuaded me to try a bite and I am now hooked. I try to avoid them but sometimes needs must ............I am sure FC agrees. Have you ever read a post about something you had never seen or thought about ...........tried it and become hooked?

If you didn't know what book I was talking about it was this one.

Recipe for a lovely evening

2009-04-27T22:56:00.003+01:00

For the first time I turned on the air conditioning in my car as I made my way in the sunshine. I was as usual later leaving home than I had planned, driving along the familiar motorway then turning north on the A road that I have driven many times before but this time watching out for the side road that I had never taken before. The winding country lane I found myself going up and down hill, I noticed the Ancient Farm off to my right. I had always wondered where that was although I had believed it to be a mile or two further north on the west side of the A road. Well now I know exactly where it is, perhaps I will visit it one day.

Cautiously racing on up and down turning left and right as the lane meandered between farms. I soon found my destination, parking in the one obvious space left, I checked the time…..only a couple of minutes late……..not bad seeing how I had left it so late to leave. Scanning the tables set out in the garden I could see them through my rear view mirror.

As I walked across the car park they both looked around, I waved to indicate that it was me. They both stood up to greet me, I had remembered as I was driving that he no longer sports the facial hair he has worn for most of his adult life. One of the first things I noticed was that like me, she was wearing red and black. We sat talking about our children and the problems of bringing up our teenagers while he went inside to buy my glass of cider. Where I don’t feel the cold so much these days my companion was feeling cold especially when the sun was hidden by the building cloud. Such a shame as until now it had been a lovely sunny warm day.

Conversation with both my companions was easy and relaxed. So much to talk about, so little time. We made a move inside to get out of the chilly breeze, another round of drinks more chat about the differences between life here compared to where my companions live. We talked about blogging, of course we did after all it was blogging which had brought us together. Time was passing hunger pangs were making themselves known so we decided to have a meal, although there were some interesting dishes on offer none of us were in the mood for these, I plumped for a jacket potato with fresh beef chilli topped with cheese. Both my companions plumped for hoisin duck wraps but ended up with baguettes.

Eating did prompt us to discuss the diet plan we had been on last year and agreed that while we have continued to try keeping to the diet plan in the year since we had started we had slipped in our resolve but do try to avoid bread where possible. My female companion told me about her experiences of trying to cook dishes from her native country whilst here and how difficult it is using the ingredients available.

I did enjoy our time together but all too soon it was time to part company as my new friends had another hour to drive before reaching their destination for the night. Driving home I was enjoying the space on the roads with such little traffic, very different to my normal drive home among the rush hour traffic. As I was passing the city a car came speeding past me, its occupants waving, together we raced up the hill and down the otherside until I reached my junction and waved goodbye for the final time.

I wonder if any of you can work out who my companions were. Trixie is banned from answering.